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The Freedom of Giving Fewer F*cks · The Nadia Chapman Show

• 0:06
  Welcome back to the Nadia Chapman Show. I hope you are well.
• 0:10
  Yesterday, I took a long train ride back home from Orange County back to Goleta.
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  And it's a four-hour long train ride, which is lovely because it forces me to do nothing.
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  As much as I bring my computer and I'm always trying to bring work on the road,
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  sometimes I'm just kind of forced to look out the window and think,
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  you know, when you're driving, obviously you pay attention to what you're doing.
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  So it's different. But being in a train for four hours gets you thinking.
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  And I was thinking about getting older. And I was thinking about something that
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  has become more and more important to me as I get older.
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  And it's not a very complicated mindset strategy. It's not a productivity hack.
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  It's not some secret formula for happiness. But one thing that I've applied
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  to my life over the last few years that brings me great joy,
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  a tremendous amount of peace and freedom.
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  It's learning how to give fewer fucks. You've heard that right. Now.
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  Before you think that this episode is about becoming cold and detached and a
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  mean bitch or not caring about people, that's not what we're going to be talking
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  about by all means. In fact, it's the complete opposite.
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  I want this episode to be about becoming intentional with your energy. It's very important.
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  It's about recognizing that your time, your emotions, your peace are all limited
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  resources. And if you're not careful, you'll spend them on things that are not worth the price.
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  One of the biggest life lesson I think you learn with age is that peace is expensive.
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  And by that, I mean that every unnecessary argument costs you some peace.
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  Every grudges costs peace.
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  Every hour spent replaying an old conversation and all situation in your head costs you peace.
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  Every attempt to get someone to understand you, to like you,
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  to love you when they've already decided not to cost you peace and happiness,
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  actually, and a whole lot of different things.
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  But every time that you obsess over what someone is thinking,
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  what somebody is thinking of you, it costs you peace. See where I'm going?
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  And the older I get, well, the more I realize that peace might be one of the
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  most valuable thing that I can have.
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  You know, when you're younger, you care about everything. You care about being
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  like, you want to be loved by everybody. You care about fitting in.
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  You care about what people think so much.
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  You care about being invited to that party and you care about proving ourselves.
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  Even as young adults, when you show up at your kid's school,
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  I remember seeing this all the time, all these moms trying to fit in with the cool mom group.
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  We care about fitting in even up in your, you know, your 30s and your 40s.
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  We care about having the last words in conversation. We care about making sure
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  that everyone understands our intentions.
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  It is absolutely draining.
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  We start realizing that not everybody is going to understand you.
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  Obviously, once you're my age, you realize that not everybody understands you.
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  Not everybody is going to like you.
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  Not everybody is going to approve of your choices, even if you try,
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  even if you're the cutest, nicest person on earth.
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  And perhaps most importantly, not everyone needs to.
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  And this is where I want today's message to go. One of the most freeing mindset
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  shifts that I've ever made was replacing the question, who's right,
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  with a different question.
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  Is it worth my peace? And just for a second, think about how many situations
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  in your life would instantly become simpler if you ask yourself that question.
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  You know, that comment somebody made once, or the family drama you've been through,
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  or the social media debates online, whether it's about politics or whatever.
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  That friendship that's been draining your energy for years. Or maybe it's that
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  person who constantly misunderstands you.
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  Is it worth your peace? Is it worth your energy? Is it worth your happiness?
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  How long are you going to let all these things live inside your head?
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  You know, every day you're spending emotional energy, whether you realize it
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  or not. You know, you're investing your thoughts somewhere. You're investing
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  your attention somewhere.
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  You're investing your focus somewhere. And the question is whether or not you're
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  getting a return on that investment.
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  So many people are emotionally exhausted because they're spending their energy
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  on things they cannot control. This is one thing I do with every single person I work with.
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  Let's go over everything that you control and everything that you do not control.
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  A lot of people are trying to change people who don't want to change.
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  A lot of people are trying to convince people who don't want to be convinced.
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  You know, we're all at some point or another trying to manage everyone's opinion
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  or carrying problems that don't belong to us.
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  And then we wonder why we feel drained all the time.
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  And as a mindset coach, one of the things I see over and over again,
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  no matter how old the person I work with is, is that people aren't necessarily
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  overwhelmed because they have too much to do. They have too big of a goal.
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  They're overwhelmed because they're carrying too much mentally.
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  We are carrying old conversations and disappointments, old expectations.
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  I had a conversation this morning with somebody about that.
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  Old stories, old resentments. We carry things that we should have let go years ago.
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  And all of that takes away your energy.
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  So imagine carrying a backpack every single day and adding one small rock every
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  single time something bothers you or somebody doesn't agree with you or somebody doesn't like you.
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  And I'm telling you, because I know that in the backpack that you are carrying,
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  you are carrying rocks that you were never meant to carry in the first place.
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  And one of the healthiest thing and the best thing you can do for yourself,
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  and you can learn to do is ask yourself, does this deserve my energy?
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  Not every problem deserves your attention or opinion deserves a response.
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  And not every invitation deserves a yes.
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  You know, I think with age, you learn how to say no, and it's very freeing.
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  I love saying no, because I had a hard time saying no for a long time.
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  You know, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just to let things go.
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  Not because you're weak, not because you don't care, of course not,
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  but just because you've decided that your peace and your happiness matters more.
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  And I think this becomes especially important when it comes to personal growth.
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  You know, if you're trying to build something bigger than yourself and improve
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  your life, whether it's reach a goal as an athlete or start a business,
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  or maybe it's pursue any dream, raise a family, I don't know, improve your health,
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  become a better athlete, a better person, or simply just become a better version
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  of yourself, you're going to need that energy.
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  You're going to need that peace. A lot of it. And every single minute spent
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  worrying about things that you can't control is a minute stolen from something
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  that actually matters in your life.
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  Imagine if you took all that energy that you spent on worrying about other people
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  and you invest that into your goals. Ha!
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  Ooh, that can be the writer downer for today. Imagine if you took all the energy
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  you spent worrying about what other people think and you invested that into your goals.
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  Imagine that for a second imagine if you took all the energy that you spend
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  replaying stupid old mistakes failure all that crap and you invested that into
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  learning from them that is personal growth and that is why i'm so passionate about the work i do.
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  Imagine if you took all that energy, trying to be like and all of that,
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  and invested it into becoming who you're meant to be. Your life would change.
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  One thing I've learned is that maturity isn't caring less.
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  It's caring more selectively. If you know me, I used to host huge barbecues,
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  huge parties, big gatherings all the time.
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  I would have bands playing at the farm on the weekends and birthdays and invite
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  half the school in the neighborhood.
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  And now I am so much quieter. I work on my business. I work with my clients.
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  I'm building my little empire. I'm working on my podcast, I'll garden.
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  I cut back on so many things around me, not because I don't care and I don't
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  love people, but I'm being very selective.
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  And that's the difference. The goal is not to stop caring and to isolate yourself
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  and cut everybody off, but the goal is to become intentional about what gets
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  access to your attention.
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  Give your energy to your family, to your health, to good friendships.
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  Give energy to your dreams. Give energy to your growth.
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  You should get up in the morning and focus on the people who matters in your life, right?
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  And stop giving it away to every criticism, every opinion, every distraction
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  and unnecessary conflict that crosses your path.
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  It's life. It's going to happen. You need to just cut it off.
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  You don't have unlimited emotional resources to carry all this crap all the time.
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  None of us do. One day you're going to realize that your life isn't shaped by
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  everything that happened to you. It's truly shaped by what you gave your attention
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  to. and attention is one of the most valuable currencies that you'll ever have.
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  So here's what I want you to leave with today. You only get so many fucks in a lifetime.
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  So spend them wisely. Give them to the people you love. Give them to your purpose.
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  Give them to your health, to your peace. Give them to the life that you're trying
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  to build and stop spending them on things that were never worth the price, all right?
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  Thanks for spending a few minutes with me today. If this episode resonate with
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  you, please share it with somebody who might need a little reminder.
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  And until next time, take care of yourself, protect your peace,
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  and keep becoming the person you were meant to be. I'll see you in the next episode.