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Transcript

Humiliated in Health Class Bo Johnson Stand Up comedy 😁🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Visiting from Seattle, Washington, born and raised there, went to school there too.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I actually got a call from my old university earlier this week and they went, hey, we want you to give us 200 bucks.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Exchange will give you a branded University of Washington license plate.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I'm 33 years old.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: I drive a 99 Camry with 200,000 miles on it.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: You should be paying me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Make sure no one knows I went to your university.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: This sales call is turned into a hostage negotiation.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: How about you give me the 200 bucks?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll buy a hoodie from the rival college.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: One of my best friends from school, same age as me, no car, never had a driver's license his whole life, but this past year he did just get his private investigator certification.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I love the idea of a PI with no license.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Before I get too deep into the set, I want to point out I am aware I have a certain type of energy to me.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you shut your eyes, actually sound less like a comedian and more like an audiobook narrator.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: After each punchline, I should just go, end of joke two.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Growing up, I had a favorite teacher.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Her name is Mrs.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hoover.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: She's our health teacher in high school.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And she's the kind of teacher where she didn't really cover anything she was supposed to, just stories about her life every single day.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: So by the end of the year, I didn't know anything about the human body or the reproductive system.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I did know most of the mistakes Mrs.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hoover made in her early 20s.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Our first pop quiz, she goes, What is the epididymis?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I think that's the Greek island where she cheated on her boyfriend.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: During our unit on the dangers of drugs, she told the whole class, she goes, you know, you should never have sex in the drug Molly.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because it'll be so good that it will ruin regular sex.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked and I was like, that is not in the textbook.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: My high school was actually far less anti-drug and more anti-tobacco.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up in a window of time, a lot of judgment around smoking.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I have realized actually there's one group that loves smokers, no judgment.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: A dog loves a smoker.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Dogs love smokers.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: A dog's like, you're telling me we get to go out 11 times in one day.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: This is the best day of my life.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever is driving you to behave like this, I hope it never stops.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Look at us, me and you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're both aging in dog years.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: My high school, you had one rule for all the school dances.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: It was no freak dancing allowed.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they called it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: No freak dancing.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Bottom of the poster, smaller font, no one is allowed to be bent over, more than 90 degrees.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: And 90 degrees feels like a lot.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can work with a lot less than 90 degrees.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Often as you get older, you have to.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I love that poster.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because that means there is a PTA meeting where the geometry teacher broke out a protractor in front of all the parents.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, pick picture your sons and picture your daughters.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: When are we uncomfortable?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: High school is a dangerous time, you know.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: High school's a very dangerous time.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: You say the wrong thing in high school, it'll follow you.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: There was a kid in that health class, Ernest's question, not being a smartass.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Mrs.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Hoover, can you use butter as lube?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And for the rest of his high school career, everybody called him Butterboy.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't stand for any type of bullying whatsoever.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: But let's be honest.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: He went to our guidance counselor, he's like, Mrs.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Gostaldi, everyone's been calling me Butterboy.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know what to do about it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, that's awful, Spencer.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Why would they do that?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, well, one time during a quiet reading period in class, during the cruelest years of my friends' lives, I asked if you could use butter as lube.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, well, I don't know what you want me to do about that butter boy.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And now whenever I use lube, I can't help but think, man, I can't believe it's not butter.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I lost my virginity, my senior year of high school, and I put the condom on just like I learned in health class.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And my girlfriend at the time, she's like, What the fuck are you doing with that banana right now?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Why did you peel the banana?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And that was my first relationship and to high school through all of college.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So when it came to an end, I was 21 years old, never been single before as an adult.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was going to bars and clubs for the first time.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I was talking to this lady one night, thought it was going pretty well.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: She had her hand going up and down my leg, and all of a sudden she goes, Oh my gosh, you are so nervous right now.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: You have no idea what you're doing.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, That's not true.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Prove it to me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I did what I thought a cool guy in the movies you do, and I leaned in, and she leaned in, and I leaned in and she leaned in and we kissed, and she looked back at me and she just goes, That's not how a confident man kisses a lady.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah, because you're a stranger.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: No, but if you saw a man just grab a woman by the hair at a bar, you wouldn't go, Hey, look, what a confident man.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: I bet he would bring eight of his own rugs for comedy taping.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: But she reached back out, she grabbed my shirt and she pulled me in, and she kissed me really hard, and she goes.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now that's you kiss a lady.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm not a lady.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: You were the lady.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Then I put my bike helmet on and I ran away like a man.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have a girlfriend again now, and I I love having a girlfriend because I love women.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, very brave of me to say I love women.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I love women because women improve men, you know.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: For every single lotion in my skincare routine, I can tell you the name of a woman I used to date.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not that I don't teach my girlfriend stuff too, it's just not that the information is not equally valued.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were making dinner one night, and I picked up the tomato, and I was like, Did you know if you put this tomato in the microwave, it won't explode, it'll just kind of melt like a sad candle.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Why do you know that?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Well, one time, three days ago, me and my friend Brad, we got pretty high, and we invented a new game show, and it's called Cook Time.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And it's exactly like the price is right, but instead of trying to guess how much a vacuum cleaner costs, we try to figure out how long different pieces of produce will last in the microwave before they explode.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I lost$50 on the tomato.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And she just kind of had this like stunned look on her face.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I doubled down.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I picked up a piece of broccoli, and I was like, Did you know?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Let me guess.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: It explodes after a minute.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, couldn't be further from the truth.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: The broccoli will never explode, and you'll dig yourself out of a$75 hole.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: End of joke 12.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was a very shy, quiet kid growing up.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't always this loud and charismatic.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I loved to read as a kid.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I loved reading.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: When I was in fifth grade, I took an aptitude test, and I was reading at a tenth grade level.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty cool, pretty impressive.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: 33 years old now, proud to say.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Still reading at a 10th grade level.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I've been working on it, I've been trying to get back in the game, you know.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was in Oakland, California a few years ago now.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: I go into the bookstore, immediately drawn to a fantasy novel.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Slim chance, maybe a handful of you might have heard of it.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's a book called Fourth Wing.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I finished the book, and it turns out I love literature written for horny women.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know the novel, it's a smut novel about an elite dragon riding academy.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty much Top Gun But for Dragons.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Only if Maverick and Iceman did full penetration.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And something you know from the cover alone, you would never know this was a smut novel.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I certainly didn't know when I bought the book.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like if you got 200 pages into the Fellowship of the Ring and the Hobbits just had an orgy.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I know I'm not the demo for the novel because it's 665 pages.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: 665 pages of smut.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And only a woman would need that many pages.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Smut for Men would be a one-sided pamphlet.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And he would start with the sentence, he put it in.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm in Baltimore reading the book.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my buddy Tyler were sharing a hotel together for some shows.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Wow, we both brought books.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: How fun would it be if we each read a page?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I hate that idea.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, My book is about the history of storytelling.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it says in here that story is a human tradition passed down via genetics, the same way eye color or hair color is.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that fascinating?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, that is so fascinating.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: What's even more fascinating is that somehow my book is about the exact same thing.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: So you could probably just skip it tonight.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, read the page you're on right this second.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, uh well.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, the book's been pretty academic up until this point in time.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: So this page does feel like just a little bit of a departure from the rest of the book.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: But what it says is uh he slipped the strap of my nightgown from my shoulder, and the cool air kissed the hardened peak of my nipple.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: So two hours later we finished the book.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: All right, thank you very much for your time, everybody.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great rest of the show.