Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / PIPA Rewind: Preparation, Communication & Regulation with Dr. Christine Lang, How Moms Can Stay Ahead, Communicate Clearly & Keep Their Cool

Transcript

PIPA Rewind: Preparation, Communication & Regulation with Dr. Christine Lang, How Moms Can Stay Ahead, Communicate Clearly & Keep Their Cool · Pretty In Pink Again

• 0:00
  I'm Christina and I'm T and this is the pretty and pink again podcast We're motherhood meets rediscovery We are so excited to have our first guest, Dr.
• 0:20
  Christine Lange in this episode we are going to explore the three biggest game changers for moms.
• 0:27
  And really I think for anybody, not just moms, which are preparation, communication, and regulation.
• 0:34
  Scrambling through the day and struggling to express those needs and feeling of overwhelm does not have to be the norm.
• 0:41
  So Dr.
• 0:42
  Ling explains that the key to success is preparation, but not always in a way that leads to control.
• 0:49
  Instead, strategic preparation creates freedom and ease.
• 0:53
  This conversation will uncover the power of planning ahead, communicating without blame and staying calm even when the chaos unfolds.
• 1:01
  Let's go.
• 1:02
  Hey, we have our first guest on here today.
• 1:05
  Yay.
• 1:06
  We have Dr.
• 1:06
  Christine Lang.
• 1:08
  Hello.
• 1:09
  Hello.
• 1:10
  And not only is she one of my best friends, but she is also a behavioral specialist, a communication expert.
• 1:18
  Our sons are best friends, hockey mom.
• 1:20
  We want to hear a little bit about yourself.
• 1:22
  Sure.
• 1:23
  Thank you so much for that very special introduction.
• 1:26
  Another mom of four over here.
• 1:29
  Another mom of four over here.
• 1:30
  I have four kids.
• 1:31
  Two girls and two boys.
• 1:34
  Sixteen, thirteen, eleven, and nine.
• 1:37
  Hockey mom, you mentioned, constantly running around, I should add, I feel like mostly an Uber driver in the afternoons.
• 1:44
  Little chauffeur.
• 1:45
  In addition to being a college professor, as well as working with families, individuals, groups, organizations on behavior management and positive behavior strategies.
• 1:59
  Wow.
• 1:59
  Quite the mouthful.
• 2:00
  I know.
• 2:01
  Yes, I know.
• 2:02
  And I should add that when I met you, I thought you were a stay at home mom like me for the first like four years of our friendship because you would create your schedule so strategically that you could still do like some of the kids stuff that I was doing in the morning.
• 2:17
  But what I didn't realize is that you started your day like three hours before mine and taught a class and also went for a run and then worked in the afternoon.
• 2:26
  Yes.
• 2:27
  I think that I try to maximize every minute of the waking day.
• 2:33
  And so you're absolutely right about that.
• 2:35
  I kind of work minute to minute, but I'm also realizing that not everyone does that, especially my family.
• 2:41
  So that's something we'll definitely talk about today in terms of preparing things in advance.
• 2:46
  But a lot of times I go minute to minute and when I'm ready for the next thing, I don't realize that I didn't let other people know my plan.
• 2:54
  And what we need to do next.
• 2:56
  So you're going to talk about that preparation piece.
• 2:59
  So Christina and I were talking two weeks ago, about control and how we feel like there's a fine line between controlling everybody around us, but you reframe it as preparation.
• 3:13
  Which I think is so important because we had said there's such a fine line between that, but I like that if you can reframe it, it doesn't feel as controlling.
• 3:21
  But we were saying that sometimes you do need to have things under control because you end up dealing with the repercussions of if things go off the rails and that's sometimes where that controlling behavior can come from.
• 3:34
  But I like that you reframe that as being prepared.
• 3:38
  And it takes that nasty term of controlling off the table.
• 3:42
  Yeah, so we have three pillars that we're going to discuss with you today.
• 3:45
  Preparation being a big one.
• 3:48
  Communication and regulation.
• 3:50
  So take us through where did this all stem from?
• 3:53
  How, what does this look like?
• 3:55
  Sure.
• 3:55
  as you just mentioned, we all have these moments and we feel inside okay, what's happening right now?
• 4:02
  What do I need to get done?
• 4:04
  And you just mentioned, where did it start from?
• 4:05
  So I would notice every time I got into the car with all of my kids to go somewhere is when I would start feeling this like twisting feeling in my stomach.
• 4:14
  And I felt like I really wanted to snap, even if someone started breathing too close to my presence.
• 4:20
  And I was noticing that this was like such a huge antecedent for this, feeling dysregulated as a mom.
• 4:28
  And I was like, okay, I'm cramming too much into this time, and I was on the treadmill.
• 4:33
  Let's say we needed to leave at 9 30 to get to hockey for 10 30.
• 4:37
  I'd be on the treadmill until 9 26 thinking, okay, I have four minutes.
• 4:41
  I'll get my stuff.
• 4:42
  We'll get in the car.
• 4:43
  Before I went on the treadmill, I said, Hey guys, we have to leave in a little bit, make sure you're dressed.
• 4:47
  And I'd come off the treadmill and everyone's still in their pajamas.
• 4:51
  And I was like, wait, how did this happen?
• 4:53
  We only have four minutes.
• 4:54
  And so now I am worried that we're going to be late.
• 4:57
  And when you as a mom get dysregulated, You couldn't possibly help your kids in terms of staying calm.
• 5:05
  So now they're going to an activity and it goes from a fun day to now you're like, hurry up.
• 5:10
  We're going to be late.
• 5:10
  What are you doing?
• 5:11
  Why aren't you ready?
• 5:12
  Then I'm like, where's your stick?
• 5:13
  Where's your water bottle?
• 5:14
  Where's this?
• 5:15
  And so I realized if I want to do those things for myself, like you talked about last week in terms of self care, And I feel like that treadmill time was really significant for me.
• 5:25
  Then I needed to take a few steps back and say, okay what is it that we need to get done to be able to transition successfully so that time of going from the house to the car isn't so chaotic and stressful.
• 5:39
  So the treadmill was supposed to be your way to regulate yourself.
• 5:41
  That's why you're doing Your movement, but what it ended up doing when you planned it too close, it dysregulated everything correct.
• 5:49
  And then again, when our kids, you mentioned this a few episodes ago, they have their antennas up, they can read you so well.
• 5:58
  And so when your body language, your tone, just your overall presence is putting off stress and anxiety then that obviously can rub off on everyone else's behavior and I work on this in my practice, too It's funny because people are asking me for advice or I have friends saying I was channeling you last night And I'm like, Jesus, I'm always so effed up, but yet people are asking me for things.
• 6:21
  I always ask you for things, for everything, for my own personal stuff, for all four of my kids, for relationship advice with my husband, like communication piece.
• 6:30
  shouldn't get lost on you that even if you don't practice it every day yourself.
• 6:34
  No, I appreciate that.
• 6:35
  And I actually remember in graduate school one day, I went to my professor who was like the, all knowing of all behavior stuff.
• 6:43
  And I said to him, why can't I do this and he said, I said, it's so easy to do it with the kids we work with.
• 6:48
  And he said, it's really hard to work on changing behaviors of people that you love and in this situation, because there's so much emotion.
• 6:57
  So it's easier for me, not that I don't care about you tremendously and your family, but it's easier for me to look when I'm helping others to see what's happening from a different perspective.
• 7:08
  But when I'm in it, I have all these internal emotions and feelings to what's sometimes harder to do the things that I'm preaching.
• 7:17
  You can stay regulated when you're on the outside looking in, but it's hard when you're actually in it.
• 7:23
  A thousand percent.
• 7:24
  Once you realized what your trigger was of that getting in the car, that scrambling, that time?
• 7:29
  What did you do differently?
• 7:30
  And so I think when I recognized that it was happening more and more, I said, I need help with this and I think the most important piece is recognizing, which you've talked about so many times, is you don't have to do things by yourself.
• 7:44
  And I think a great part about being an educator and a clinician is I understand that we're always learning and it's not necessarily a weakness or a bad thing if you're trying to seek help.
• 7:55
  And so I had connected with this amazing clinician who I had wound up also doing these like Six week parenting classes on learning about and we're going to talk about different kinds of strategies, which we'll talk about in terms of pausing and the power of pause.
• 8:12
  And so that is what jump started my ability to start making these little tweaks and pausing first and recognizing okay, the self awareness piece, what's happening?
• 8:23
  What does it feel like in my body?
• 8:24
  What do I need?
• 8:25
  What do I need to do to help problem solve here?
• 8:28
  And then also help everyone else in my family feel regulated, calm, and enjoying our time together.
• 8:35
  So you started exercising this power of pause.
• 8:38
  So what does a pause look like?
• 8:41
  It's interesting because the very things we want our kids to learn, we see lots of adults in all walks that we engage with, almost engaging in similar behaviors.
• 8:53
  Sure.
• 8:53
  And it's we want our kids to use their words and we want our kids to stop before having a tantrum, but a lot of times We don't even do those things.
• 9:01
  Yes.
• 9:02
  I am so guilty of that.
• 9:04
  Yes, and so you might be upset with a spouse or a child or something and maybe you huff off or shut the door or Do some kind of body language, Obviously, we all can talk a lot.
• 9:15
  That's evident through here, but we have the words to express our wants and needs, but sometimes in the moment, those are inaccessible because of all the emotions that take over.
• 9:26
  So the pause kind of gives you that time to regroup instead of just reacting right away and engaging in some impulsive type behaviors, again, that our kids might do.
• 9:37
  I want that.
• 9:38
  I'm just going to go take it from my sibling.
• 9:39
  And then.
• 9:40
  It's a huge, fight versus, I want that, can you say, hey, can I have that please?
• 9:47
  And then working through the following pieces from that.
• 9:51
  So would you clue everybody in around you, like I'm taking a pause or is this a private pause?
• 9:56
  I think it's a little bit of both because we also want to model these behaviors for our kids.
• 10:02
  So I might say guys.
• 10:04
  Everyone's calling my name at once.
• 10:05
  I'm getting really confused.
• 10:07
  I feel my stomach turning and I don't want to snap.
• 10:10
  I'm going to take a few minutes.
• 10:12
  Just take a few deep breaths, just give me a second so I could come up with what I think might be what I want to share with you.
• 10:18
  Oh, that's so nice.
• 10:19
  Instead of stop it! Yeah, that seems to, what flows out of my mouth much easier.
• 10:23
  For sure, it's like instinct.
• 10:25
  That's what first comes out of my mouth.
• 10:27
  But I like that because even for me with someone with very young kids, I feel like three year old his new thing is oh, mom is gonna take a deep breath because I've said that out loud.
• 10:38
  And.
• 10:38
  And at first I was like, is this a bad thing that he's saying this?
• 10:41
  Like he's recognizing that I'm in, like you had said, the kids have their antennas up.
• 10:46
  And so I almost feel guilt where I'm like, Oh, he's sensing that I'm off.
• 10:50
  But I also think that there's something really powerful in them also sensing that yes, something's off, but she just worked through this in front of me, I think that's critical and really important and significant that at such a young age, you're working on this And that's another piece, too, when, kids or adults are sharing their feelings.
• 11:06
  I say, we're supposed to have feelings, we're supposed to feel angry, we're supposed to feel excited, we're supposed to feel sad, but it's how we take those feelings and then interact with others around us and what we do with those feelings.
• 11:19
  But didn't we grow up in the generation of, you're fine, I knew that was what was said in my house, or, if the kid goes to the nurse, take your temperature, no fever, go back to class, how can those be the only two barometers of if you're okay or not, I think that's such a really good point because Times are definitely different from when we were raised, just because of, so many different pressures, social media, kids have so much access to lots of other things.
• 11:45
  There's this book that I love, it's called, Mom, Get Out of My Life, But First, Will You Please Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?
• 11:52
  And in the preface of that book, the author talks about how parenting has shifted, and some of the strategies that might have been able to be utilized 30 years ago aren't necessarily best practice today, and the best way to have this Mutual respect with your children is to remain calm in the face of, let's say, lots of challenging behaviors and that's how you show your strength as a parent.
• 12:17
  I think if I over explain things, they'll listen, but sometimes I just have to sit there quiet and listen, not ignore them, but just sit there and listen to it all.
• 12:27
  That's all they want to do anyway is just say all their things to you.
• 12:31
  And again, I mentioned this earlier, but taking things that you learn from other people.
• 12:35
  Bits and pieces here and there what you like and don't like is what helps us continue to grow and I remember Our pediatrician when we lived in New York gave the best advice that I use all the time still she said, you know your daughter's turning this age and this age is this and When she starts talking, you need to say, do you want me to be the listening mommy or the listening plus advice mommy?
• 12:58
  And I was just like, wow, I love that because sometimes you don't want someone to start offering solutions that happens in, I think, any relationship.
• 13:07
  I think that could happen with friendships that could happen with your spouse, that could happen with your parents that is such a good point because sometimes you do just want to vent, you want to offload, and then sometimes you're looking for the constructive feedback, you're looking for advice.
• 13:22
  So that's very interesting to apply that to your kids as you're starting to parent them.
• 13:26
  You're not always looking for that validation.
• 13:29
  Sometimes you just want to get it off your chest.
• 13:32
  And maybe hear a, I know me too.
• 13:35
  Yes, definitely.
• 13:37
  So that power of pause.
• 13:40
  Do we want to talk about what it stands for?
• 13:42
  Pause comes from a component of the internal family systems model and the pause, the P for pause actually means pause.
• 13:51
  And so you really take a pause, before jumping to this reaction or response to the situation.
• 13:59
  And then the next, the A is awareness, like okay, what is happening right now?
• 14:03
  What parts of me are coming up?
• 14:06
  What am I feeling?
• 14:07
  How do I respond?
• 14:08
  Thinking about where you're coming from.
• 14:10
  And then the you is the understanding, which is a little bit of what we just spoke about.
• 14:15
  What is the listener or the other person in this situation?
• 14:19
  What are they experiencing?
• 14:20
  Where are they coming from?
• 14:22
  So then that can help you with searching for solutions, what have I done in the past when this has happened, what has been successful, what has not been successful, and then in terms of the E, it's now we're exploring how do we execute this, and I think a lot of times It's like tennis and I know we've all played for fun or in matches and things But you can watch it or you can see what you should have done or could have done But that doesn't mean you actually know how to execute it in the moment and so a lot of this is This is a totally novel situation I've never experienced this But now that I know what happened Like when we go to Dunkin Donuts and they are all of a sudden out of blue slushies and it's a complete and so I was like, okay, this is going to be a really epic meltdown.
• 15:04
  Okay.
• 15:04
  I wasn't expecting that.
• 15:05
  It was totally novel.
• 15:06
  But now that I know what happened, I can think about what to do.
• 15:11
  In other situations when my child might want something and it's not available and it circles back to that preparation piece So for example, I might say if if I want to get a tea from Dunkin Donuts But now I'm like if they're out of the thing he wants I don't want to deal with the meltdown and then maybe I don't even go which you don't want your kids dictating because then there's a consequence for you, right?
• 15:33
  And so I would Say hey buddy, mommy's getting a tea, but if they're out of the slushie, let's talk about what we could get instead.
• 15:40
  How's it gonna make you feel if they're out of it?
• 15:42
  No, I really want it.
• 15:43
  I get it.
• 15:44
  I get it.
• 15:44
  But what could we get instead?
• 15:46
  You could get this, or this.
• 15:47
  So I know I circled back a little to the preparing in advance, but it really goes for everything.
• 15:53
  So yeah, cuz that's not just organization.
• 15:55
  Like I was thinking of that when you had said that originally, more of an organization, step by step, what can I do to get out of the house?
• 16:02
  You're even saying circumstantial.
• 16:04
  You're saying that you can be prepared and think through what's going to help with a potential meltdown, like for more behavior things.
• 16:12
  If you're talking about it when you're there, it's too late.
• 16:15
  It's too late.
• 16:16
  You do all the talking before you even go, the expectations, what it's going to look like.
• 16:20
  Whatever it is that's important to you for that event.
• 16:23
  And again, sometimes it's a situation that your child has handled beautifully and today they're not.
• 16:28
  And you're like this is like right out of left field.
• 16:31
  I wasn't expecting this.
• 16:33
  But then again, it's okay, let's add that to my list of things that I have to think about when we're doing something else.
• 16:39
  And I think when you have multiple kids, or even one kid, obviously, but it takes a lot more of this behind the scenes work.
• 16:47
  And one of the things I like to share is that you can't control everything.
• 16:51
  We know that.
• 16:52
  But let's get good at the things we can.
• 16:54
  Let's make sure that our kids have eaten.
• 16:57
  Let's make sure that we have things handy.
• 16:59
  Let's make sure we find all the equipment and the uniforms and the instruments.
• 17:03
  Let's pretty much check all the boxes so when something does go wrong and the shit hits the fan, We're not scrambling to do other things and now we're available to handle this sort of emotional like crisis the emotional mess do you find that it's easier for you to take that on yourself and pack the bags and do all the things how do you teach your kids how to be independent and responsible?
• 17:30
  But yet also know that the emotional toll it can take on you to scramble When you're trying to get four kids out the door at the same time that's a good point.
• 17:39
  And I think it depends on what your goal is at that moment.
• 17:43
  So for example, if my goal is for my child to get on the bus and not miss it, and it means me packing the bag because my ultimate goal is that they get on the bus because I need that for the rest of my morning, then I'm fine.
• 17:55
  So that's the, that is like for me that's where a lot of my behavior comes from about, cause I'm a control freak.
• 18:02
  Like I would consider myself just.
• 18:03
  Just type A.
• 18:05
  It's an internal thing.
• 18:06
  Something you're working on.
• 18:07
  It is.
• 18:07
  It's something I'm working on.
• 18:08
  But a lot of the times I feel like that comes across so negatively, right?
• 18:12
  But it's to set myself up.
• 18:14
  So you just were used that word to free up your time.
• 18:18
  So you need him to get on the bus so that you can do what you need to do.
• 18:22
  That's a lot of the times where my frustrations are coming from.
• 18:25
  So that if it's done the rest of your day is set up for success.
• 18:30
  Because the way you framed it doesn't sound controlling or negative at all, it just sounds like it makes sense.
• 18:36
  It's controlling, but if you're reframing it as prepared then it also allows flexibility later on.
• 18:45
  So you're doing some of the work so that you have flexibility a little bit later.
• 18:50
  And that being said, we still need our kids to learn to do these things independently, but then you could do that in a less high stakes moment, where you have the time if they can't find things.
• 19:01
  And the other piece is for the kids to do things more independently also requires us to be more organized, is their uniform washed, or is it shoved in the bottom of your laundry basket?
• 19:11
  So when you tell them to go get their uniform and it's a matter of also delegating things around the house, you don't have to do it all.
• 19:19
  But if you want your kids to do things independently, we also have to make sure that stuff is accessible.
• 19:23
  They're set up for success to do that, I know there's nothing more I hate when I'm not home and I think I've set everybody up and I get a call.
• 19:31
  Where's my hockey sock or where's my uniform or where's the milk?
• 19:37
  Where do you think the milk is?
• 19:38
  In the oven?
• 19:40
  I feel like you can be prepared, right?
• 19:43
  But I feel like there's more to that.
• 19:46
  So you can prepare all you want on your own, but if you are doing this all in your head and you're holding all of this close to the vest and you have a spouse and you have multiple children, you need to communicate this to everybody that's such a good point because if you're the one prepared, you're still carrying the mental load of everything.
• 20:06
  So what can we do?
• 20:08
  How can we communicate our needs as moms?
• 20:11
  I always like to share that communication is really the most critical piece of any relationship, whether it's coworkers, colleagues, your spouse, your children, and communicating your wants and needs without hurting the other person or blaming the other person is really a skill that we all can continue to learn.
• 20:30
  And it goes back to that listening to listen, not just listening to speak back.
• 20:35
  And.
• 20:35
  You're totally right.
• 20:37
  For example, I could have this whole thing, like I said earlier, we're leaving at 9 30, I have the treadmill, I have this, but then someone didn't know that was the plan, and my car's blocked in, or my husband said, I took your car to get detailed, because I wanted you to have a nice, And I'm like, I love that.
• 20:57
  That's my favorite thing, except I need to leave in 30 seconds.
• 21:00
  And I didn't communicate all these things that were in my plan.
• 21:04
  My husband also travels a lot for work and on the weekends, he's a college hockey coach and we're a hockey family.
• 21:11
  So I'm so used to doing weekends by myself that I don't even really think to convey that information.
• 21:20
  Because, That's how we've navigated everything.
• 21:23
  And I could have called and said, why would you take my car just now?
• 21:27
  That like I need it.
• 21:28
  And so now I'm blaming him for this communication mishap.
• 21:32
  And he was actually doing, let's say a really nice thing, which now got misconstrued, misinterpreted and everything.
• 21:39
  And on a similar note, you mentioned Dr.
• 21:41
  Becky, one of her podcasts, which I love, is about repair.
• 21:46
  It's totally worth the listen.
• 21:48
  But she talks about communicating with your kids or your spouse without blaming them looks like this, I'm sorry that I yelled at you before, but if you didn't complain about what I made for dinner, I wouldn't have had to yell at you.
• 21:59
  And that's blame.
• 22:00
  Yes.
• 22:00
  And that does not open lines of communication.
• 22:03
  It doesn't demonstrate to your kids what accountability looks like and instead she shares, which again, I love to take bits and pieces from other practitioners.
• 22:13
  I'm really sorry that I snapped at you before.
• 22:16
  Mommy really wants to work on that.
• 22:18
  I'm trying to work on it and we can work on it together.
• 22:21
  And what I should have said was I worked on this dinner all day and if you don't love this, next time let's talk together about what I can make instead.
• 22:30
  I just think that accountability is an important piece, let's say, of what we feel like are our family values.
• 22:37
  And if I'm not demonstrating and modeling that, then how can we expect our kids to engage in that same behavior?
• 22:44
  So can you help us reframe, how to communicate?
• 22:48
  So I feel like a good example would be, you never help.
• 22:52
  Like you're never helping with this to how should we say it so that it's the message is being received on the other side and it doesn't feel resentful.
• 23:01
  It doesn't feel like you're trying to blame somebody.
• 23:03
  Can we reframe these like popular phrases, or things that would Mostly come up in conversations.
• 23:09
  Can we reframe that so it sounds a little bit nicer and it's better received?
• 23:13
  Yes.
• 23:14
  So then you get the help.
• 23:15
  Yeah.
• 23:16
  It's funny when you say sounds a little bit nicer.
• 23:18
  Sometimes I say pretend you're talking to a co worker.
• 23:22
  Would you say, clean that up, why would you leave that there?
• 23:26
  So maybe one step is to take out the emotional piece and really convey your exact message and it goes back to the pause.
• 23:34
  Where you're in a moment, you feel like you're not getting the help you need, instead of saying that instantly, you're pausing, you're thinking like, okay, what parts are coming up for me right now?
• 23:43
  I'm feeling frustrated.
• 23:44
  I feel like I do everything.
• 23:45
  It's a mess.
• 23:46
  I have to do this, and this.
• 23:48
  But if I say that, I'm definitely not going to get help, right?
• 23:51
  It's going to result in more whatever.
• 23:55
  So how can you convey your wants and needs?
• 23:57
  It goes back to the same thing without blaming or so it might look like, Hey, what's going on?
• 24:03
  I really need help with this.
• 24:05
  And you just actually say the things that you need help with.
• 24:08
  Because no one's a mind reader as much as we feel like it's an understood.
• 24:14
  It's really not, everyone doesn't have the same things on their mind when they're looking at a situation, right?
• 24:20
  And saying you never help isn't even asking for help.
• 24:22
  It's just saying that XYZ times ago You didn't help me, right?
• 24:27
  But it's also like the you never or I always and it goes back to the same thing that we always say like Multiple things can be true at the same time..
• 24:35
  So you saying to start by Hey, I need help with this.
• 24:40
  Very explicitly what you need help with.
• 24:43
  And so we, again, we have.
• 24:45
  Sense.
• 24:45
  It's this organized chaos that if I had an afternoon free.
• 24:50
  I probably wouldn't even know what to do with myself.
• 24:52
  I feel unsettled because I'm always going from one thing to the next.
• 24:56
  And I usually just ask for the help in a really specific way.
• 25:00
  Hi, so and so needs a ride at this time.
• 25:02
  Are you available at that time to give a ride to here and pick up here?
• 25:07
  Or, we're having furniture delivered tomorrow at 10.
• 25:09
  Will you be home at that time?
• 25:12
  So being really explicit with your wants and needs without talking about previous things or, and this kind of brings me back to an example like about our kids.
• 25:22
  My son had this like super fun day.
• 25:25
  He got to go to work with his dad, do all these fun things.
• 25:28
  And then he was not behaving nicely later on.
• 25:31
  And our first instinct might be like, Why are you acting like this?
• 25:34
  We just did all these things for you.
• 25:36
  Or, I just took you to the mall and bought you all these things.
• 25:40
  Why are you acting like this?
• 25:41
  And you just mentioned this.
• 25:42
  They're two separate things.
• 25:43
  You could have had a fun day.
• 25:45
  And now, you're feeling crappy about something different.
• 25:48
  And so not taking anyone's misbehavior, a difficult interaction, it's not necessarily about, what happened earlier or it's just what you need right now.
• 25:59
  So because you're allowing yourself to pause, you can differentiate that they're two different events and one is related to the other.
• 26:08
  Christina, you mentioned this an episode or two ago that you have all these ideas in your head about how something's supposed to go, and then it doesn't happen, but you never actually conveyed that to anyone else.
• 26:20
  I never do.
• 26:21
  That's, oh, it's in my own head.
• 26:23
  I'm the one that's building it up and I'm setting.
• 26:25
  Wait, I even asked you, how do you get them out?
• 26:28
  Yeah.
• 26:29
  And you said you keep them in your head.
• 26:30
  I do.
• 26:31
  And that's Which I know is a mistake because it's ridiculous.
• 26:34
  It's like, how do I expect anybody else to know what's going on inside my head?
• 26:38
  And so it's almost like a it's a mental block because I'll do it to myself, but then I do not communicate.
• 26:44
  So how can I expect the situation, especially if it involves other people, how could I expect anybody to know, What was in my head if I don't communicate it effectively.
• 26:54
  And so one, another strategy for that, I love to suggest like pulling out your phone, using the notes section or dictating and writing down all the things that are, is on your mind right now about like a communication situation and taking out the words you and I.
• 27:13
  So you write this whole thing and you're talking about whatever happened, but you're not saying like you did this and I did this.
• 27:19
  You said this, I said this.
• 27:21
  It's just when this happened, it made these feelings of, X, Y, or Z.
• 27:26
  So you're like I said, taking out this blame and just looking at the situation.
• 27:31
  And remember earlier, we talked about it's harder to change behaviors or work on behaviors with the people you love because the emotions get so heightened.
• 27:38
  But taking that step back, writing down all the things that you might have in your head, refining it, looking at the right words, it's like how you prepare for this.
• 27:48
  You don't just show up and say, today we're just going to talk about Yep.
• 27:53
  Communication.
• 27:54
  I didn't realize all the things that go on behind the scenes to prepare for this.
• 27:59
  And just any career or job.
• 28:01
  When I My husband, as I mentioned, is a coach.
• 28:03
  He wouldn't just go to the game without working on the power play all week.
• 28:06
  Because then if they get a penalty, they're ready.
• 28:09
  They have the play.
• 28:10
  They're ready to go.
• 28:11
  And so same thing with our daily lives.
• 28:14
  But I think because of that, people, for the most part, they don't want to see how the sausage is made.
• 28:19
  They just want to see the final product, there's like that saying of just be a duck, like petal underneath or, underneath the water, but appear calm on top.
• 28:28
  If my husband comes home, he sees a duck, he sees a house that's clean, kids that are where they have to be and me calm.
• 28:35
  So he thinks for me, okay, now she's taking off the mom jacket and putting on the wife jacket.
• 28:41
  Like it's just as easy as that, right?
• 28:42
  Cause you make everything else look so easy and seamless, but the preparation piece takes so much.
• 28:49
  Effort that sometimes once your like the job is never done, never.
• 28:55
  Yes.
• 28:56
  Yes.
• 28:56
  And that I was thinking earlier too, something that I always share is this isn't easy.
• 29:01
  Like you just want to be a mom and say what you want to say, or a wife or a friend.
• 29:05
  Having to pre think about how you're going to respond.
• 29:10
  And this happens a lot more when you have teenagers.
• 29:13
  In a situation is exhausting, especially, when you're someone said this to me once and I said, Yes, you nailed me.
• 29:22
  I feel like all the tabs on my iPhone, like in my brain are open at one time.
• 29:27
  And I'm bouncing from one thing to the next, trying to find what do I need to prioritize right now?
• 29:34
  And so when you have all those tabs open, you're less likely to be able to handle new things that are coming at you.
• 29:42
  And so when you're prepared though, and you have a couple things done behind the scenes, it can help with that in terms of making you more available when challenging situations come up with your family.
• 29:56
  Are you somebody that struggles with making decisions?
• 30:01
  I am.
• 30:02
  I am.
• 30:02
  You are?
• 30:03
  Yes.
• 30:03
  For a hundred percent.
• 30:04
  So if you were having your home painted, this is like a good analogy, how long would it take you to pick out the color of your house?
• 30:10
  Because you know me, I'd have one sample up and that would be the end of it for the next ten years.
• 30:14
  Circle and circle things and I would have the paint swatches and then I would be like bringing them and Waiting for all of the light throughout the day to show and then I would be Bringing fabric swatches next to it and I can never make a decision.
• 30:27
  I can never it's like it's a huge flaw of mine I can never make a decision.
• 30:31
  Okay, so you're not impulsive.
• 30:33
  Obviously.
• 30:34
  No, not even a little bit not even a little bit So I would take what you said and say, okay I like to overthink a lot of situations and going back to the pause and the internal family system stuff, it, it's like instead of thinking things that you have are negative or a flaw, okay, like my overthinking can benefit me in certain situations.
• 30:56
  It's really a positive.
• 30:58
  But anything to excess is, can be problematic.
• 31:02
  So it's okay, my overthinking part has taken the wheel right now.
• 31:05
  I have so many other amazing parts.
• 31:07
  Hey, I see you, but guess what?
• 31:10
  I can make this decision.
• 31:12
  I got it.
• 31:13
  And so thinking about, what you said, I agree with you.
• 31:16
  This is something that I struggle with tremendously.
• 31:19
  We were just talking about overthinking.
• 31:21
  Yep.
• 31:22
  And so I have conversations.
• 31:26
  to talk to myself you can do hard things, you can make a decision.
• 31:30
  But I think the funny part is, I almost am a combination.
• 31:33
  I don't want to make the choice, the painter will come, and I'll say, whatever you think close to white.
• 31:38
  Then once it's all done, I'm like, ugh, I don't like it.
• 31:41
  And then I wish that I had done some of this background research, and I overthink it, and I take the time, but I think I do it after the fact, instead of before.
• 31:51
  There's a redo consequence sometimes.
• 31:54
  So that's something that you're trying to avoid, right?
• 31:57
  Yes.
• 31:57
  Yes.
• 31:58
  So that, but then I spend way too much time not doing things.
• 32:02
  This is what we talked about in our first episode or one of our, one of our first episodes where I said that I'm trying to just get things done and it's, so that's why I like the Mel Robbins five, four, three, two, one, the like launch, because that's a pain point for me.
• 32:16
  It's like nothing will get done if I just circle and circle., I need the little.
• 32:20
  Jump.
• 32:20
  Whereas I think I need the Mel Robbins 1 pause.
• 32:24
  Cause I think sometimes I can be very impulsive because I often find I have so many decisions and things to do that I just want to do.
• 32:33
  Right?
• 32:34
  And then, to your point, sometimes I'm redoing or regretting after.
• 32:38
  That's why I can't buy anything with stores that have not good return policies.
• 32:41
  I need to know in advance what I'm getting into if I'm like quickly just making decisions.
• 32:48
  Could you imagine final sale only?
• 32:50
  I couldn't.
• 32:51
  No.
• 32:51
  Forget it.
• 32:51
  Yeah, no, that's not my thing.
• 32:53
  The only final sale only is your husband.
• 32:55
  Yes, I could live with that one.
• 32:57
  Okay, so the next thing that we want to talk to you, we're hoping to get your advice on, another kind of pain point for me is regulation and trying to stay calm when everyone else around you is losing it.
• 33:11
  So I have two toddlers at home.
• 33:13
  This is extremely difficult for me to do.
• 33:16
  And I do not thrive in chaos and so I know you had said that you don't know what to do outside when you when it's not chaotic.
• 33:23
  I am very much struggling with having a very like calm and peaceful household to now having two toddlers run the show in my house and there's times where both of them are screaming.
• 33:35
  It's hard.
• 33:36
  For me to get everybody's shoes on to get out the door.
• 33:39
  It's like I'm holding one and one of them's running up the stairs who shouldn't be doing that yet.
• 33:44
  I go into, I don't even know how to regulate myself at that point.
• 33:49
  I'm in such a frenzy and we've been talking about how that ends up rubbing off on your kids and.
• 33:55
  It's helping absolutely nobody if I'm not calm in that situation.
• 34:00
  Are there ways, to help stay calm?
• 34:04
  Or if you're not calm, are there kind of tips and tricks to get yourself back to that place?
• 34:10
  I know we had talked about the power of pause, but sometimes in that moment there is no room for a pause.
• 34:16
  It's, are there other things to do to keep yourself?
• 34:18
  You want to remain a sturdy leader.
• 34:20
  Of the households.
• 34:22
  And still allow for some chaos.
• 34:25
  Of course, there's going to be some chaos, but I can hold it together for so long until I can't, right?
• 34:31
  And I will, I'll hold it together, and then it's just something will happen and I'm like, I cannot I'm going to have a meltdown because in that moment you don't know what to do.
• 34:41
  And I, that is how we all feel in many moments.
• 34:45
  And so you brought up such a good question, like in the moment, there's no time for pause, right?
• 34:50
  Like in a high stress moment.
• 34:51
  And like where it's right, there's no chance to pause.
• 34:55
  So there's two pieces to that and it almost goes back to the preparation piece.
• 35:00
  And then we'll talk about like the responding piece.
• 35:03
  And so preparation you talked about in terms of being organized, preparing for possible outcomes, but it's also preparing yourself, like getting yourself in a place that's ready to.
• 35:15
  Address whatever's happening in the day and so for me, it's that time on the treadmill or it's movement.
• 35:22
  So I've identified things that help me get to my baseline level.
• 35:27
  So then when I do need to step into the next role, I might be better able to handle things and my threshold can get higher and higher, right?
• 35:36
  So step one would be to get yourself at that level and do the things that you need to do in the morning or whatever time it is.
• 35:44
  For example, my son has ADHD, so if he needs to sit for an increased period of time, we're going to run around first.
• 35:51
  Like we're prepping ourselves for what's coming next.
• 35:54
  So in the same way, like we need to get ready to leave.
• 35:57
  There's a transition coming and you're going to a birthday party.
• 36:00
  You need to get yourself in a place that's ready first and only you can recognize what those strategies are.
• 36:08
  And so to go back to what we were talking about a little, I recognize transitioning and going to the car was my time where I felt like you just described.
• 36:16
  So I needed to do get things prepared, get myself, I wanted to get my workout in, get my outfit together, have, make sure I had gas the night before, like it keeps going further and further to getting yourself together.
• 36:29
  And then if it's now happening and we're in the car, You have to, number one, we talked about recognize the physical signs because then it's like a cue okay, my stomach is getting that knotty feeling, or for others it might be my heart is starting to race, or I feel hot, or my head starts spinning.
• 36:45
  It's okay, body is telling me that I'm about to have one of these episodes, I need to implement my strategies.
• 36:52
  And for me, I go back to writing the notes on my iPhone, I have my own things.
• 36:57
  I love to listen to like a particular instrumental type music.
• 37:02
  it helps me feel chill.
• 37:04
  Or, I love my peach iced tea from Starbucks.
• 37:08
  I keep in my car a little bag of dark chocolate.
• 37:11
  And Some of these things sound counterproductive'cause they involve caffeine.
• 37:14
  However, they are like my comfort things.
• 37:17
  They're also tailored to you.
• 37:19
  Yeah.
• 37:19
  They may not be yours.
• 37:21
  and we talked about this on the podcast last week, how you've taught me how to hijack my senses when my nervous system is going to overload.
• 37:28
  And this is what we need to learn and what we want our kids to learn too.
• 37:32
  So it's recognizing the physical cues in your body.
• 37:35
  Then it's an indication that you need to use a strategy.
• 37:39
  Self selecting those strategies are all work so I have learned my strategies are I will wake up early even if it's sacrificing being extra tired because I know going for a run helps me get ready for the morning of 7 a.
• 37:54
  m.
• 37:54
  getting everybody together.
• 37:55
  It helps me get to a baseline instead of already starting where my cup might be three quarters full.
• 38:01
  Now I've lowered it to be able to, handle more things.
• 38:05
  And identifying your own strategies might take some time.
• 38:09
  Writing them down, helping, mine, like I said, taking deep breaths is really critical, not just for oh, take deep breaths, but it is a scientifically evidence based strategy for lowering stress and anxiety.
• 38:23
  So on my list, it might be taking deep breaths, it might be calling a friend, having my peach iced tea, having my dark chocolate, going into Dom's which is a coffee place in town, which I was going to add to my pink spotlight, but Just the sounds, the smells, just it helps me feel more calm.
• 38:42
  You don't know what to do It's learning about yourself to be able to prepare for that very moment.
• 38:49
  Yep.
• 38:49
  And we talked about this last week with tea.
• 38:51
  Cause we had we had teased those it's almost like little micro bursts of like self care and you're doing those things before, in anticipation, knowing that you're going to be in a tough situation later.
• 39:03
  So T had said that hers was doing those things before she gets the kids after school, and then you're going to be running around for the rest of the day until it's bedtime.
• 39:12
  She's setting herself up to, like you had just said, to be in a good place so that you're, you feel a little bit more, not just.
• 39:20
  mentally prepared, not just prepared Oh, I have all of the stuff for all of their activities.
• 39:25
  And I'm in a cue active set and I have my face on.
• 39:27
  You're also doing these things to get yourself like emotionally stable before something is happening.
• 39:34
  So that's probably what I'm missing is that I'm always going into the phase, right?
• 39:40
  Already at a low baseline because I haven't done these things to regulate myself before I jump back into The role.
• 39:48
  When Christine first shared with me what her hacks were, the same ones for her weren't for me right away.
• 39:55
  Some of them did, but some of them didn't, but it just took a little bit of time and For me, I would implement them before I even got the knot in my stomach because I knew the knot was coming but for me, once that happened, it was almost too late.
• 40:09
  Like how you say to prepare because once you're already there, it's too late.
• 40:13
  It's too hard to come back from.
• 40:14
  And that's, I was just going to say, that's what my original response was.
• 40:18
  Like once your kids are in this mode, it is a little bit too late.
• 40:22
  You can do some damage control, but.
• 40:24
  But I always recommend that at that time, they're inaccessible to hearing anything you're saying or doing.
• 40:31
  So the best thing to do is stay as calm and monotone as possible.
• 40:35
  And that makes sure everyone is safe.
• 40:39
  But it's almost like you have to ride out this storm.
• 40:42
  Your kids are small enough that you could physically redirect them, which isn't a strategy when your kids get a little older.
• 40:48
  And we have to again, stay as calm as possible while they're dysregulated, and then we can return and regroup to the situation.
• 40:56
  I would also suggest when you have little kids, or even older, to try and have everybody done separately.
• 41:02
  Let's say, Your little one, you're going to make sure she's dressed, her diaper's changed, her bag is packed.
• 41:08
  She's like literally ready to go out the door, and then you're going to tell Leo hey buddy, it's time to go.
• 41:14
  And now you could work on one child at a time, but one person's like fully ready.
• 41:19
  And then he can stay put, and then I get her kind of situated.
• 41:22
  I think even for me, like I'm coming back into this, into this situation as.
• 41:28
  a working mom, like I'm outside now and I'm coming back in and I'm not doing those things.
• 41:34
  I'm not like I'm working, right?
• 41:36
  Like I'm coming back from work.
• 41:37
  And so yes, theoretically some of my cup is full because it's Oh, I just felt good.
• 41:42
  And I had a work day, but I'm not.
• 41:44
  Making sure that I eat like I'm fed.
• 41:46
  I'm not making sure that I have a fun drink for the rest of the day.
• 41:50
  You know what I mean?
• 41:50
  I'm saying I don't know what my things are, but I'm definitely not doing them.
• 41:54
  So I'm going back into a situation trying to turn mom back on and usually I'm already coming at it from like not a calm place because I'm trying to transition and then they're transitioning and then I'm trying to get everybody like outside.
• 42:09
  And so I'm already frazzled.
• 42:10
  So that's usually where I'm coming from, where I'm like, those are the situations where I lose my mind or I'm trying to get everybody back in the house.
• 42:18
  And the other day it was like, I'm trying to get everybody back in.
• 42:21
  We had just spent all this time outside.
• 42:23
  There was mud all over everybody.
• 42:25
  Cause The yards are disgusting and so I'm like trying to get everyone in and Leo's like running into the house literally filthy and I exploded and I felt so bad it's almost like you need to set up one of those baby octagons and it's like, all right, you're the runner up.
• 42:39
  This is the safe place.
• 42:40
  You're in here.
• 42:41
  Okay.
• 42:41
  And as you're coming into the house, okay, you're in here.
• 42:44
  Runner up.
• 42:44
  is that I'm, so I need to definitely find it where you're saying where it's like you deal with one at a time.
• 42:49
  And how is my house set up to do that?
• 42:51
  That's on me.
• 42:52
  And that's not always possible though.
• 42:54
  If you're at a family event.
• 42:55
  And everyone's out at once.
• 42:56
  But, and everyone, as you said, finds what works best for them.
• 43:01
  With all four kids, they all have different school departures, and so I focus on whoever has to be ready first, I let the other sleep, once one's on the bus, then I'll go to the next one, because I know my bandwidth is such that I can't do it all at once.
• 43:16
  But the first person that got ready was you.
• 43:18
  Yes.
• 43:19
  Which is, what you're saying, you have to wake yourself up extra early, you know that if you're gonna do this, So if you want to give special attention for each kid and drive each kid to school and give them their time, you have to do it for yourself first.
• 43:32
  And that's a really good point because sometimes I have strategies that are very parsimonious, they're not rocket science, but it's Hey mom, maybe you have to wake up 30 minutes earlier just so now you have, and you mentioned this, like a little bit of your alone time.
• 43:46
  So you're not getting out of bed right into scrambling to get lunches together, looking for shoes, the bus is coming.
• 43:54
  I think you have some homework to do.
• 43:56
  And find out.
• 43:56
  Yes.
• 43:57
  God, I, like how I asked you what was your perfect day.
• 43:59
  And I said I don't know.
• 44:00
  And you said I have no idea.
• 44:01
  Yep.
• 44:02
  That's just some homework for you to do.
• 44:04
  Yep.
• 44:04
  Yep.
• 44:04
  It's part of the rediscovery.
• 44:05
  So I want to talk about something that our listeners have brought up to us a lot, which is mom guilt and how it's such a real thing.
• 44:13
  And it often stems from like very unrealistic expectations, I think.
• 44:19
  And trying to be.
• 44:20
  Everything for everybody all the time trying to do it all, which we had an entire episode about trying to do it all.
• 44:27
  You can't do it all, all at the same time, right?
• 44:32
  Do you have any advice for reframing some of this mom guilt and how it could be applied?
• 44:38
  And segueing into the mom guilt from what we talked about earlier is It's ironic because all the things that we're trying to do for ourself, if you picture Oh, I just went to a bar class.
• 44:49
  I feel so guilty.
• 44:50
  My kids are at home versus I just went to a bar class.
• 44:54
  So now when I come home, I could be more available for them because I did the things that I know help regulate me and recognizing that is really critical, but the mom guilt piece is real.
• 45:07
  But I wonder if we change it to guilt to just, okay, again.
• 45:12
  Even if you don't have multiple kids, you might have other things going on and you can't be everywhere at once.
• 45:18
  And in a given weekend, we might have eight or nine hockey games going on in our family, and the commutes could be from one to three hours away.
• 45:26
  And I have it in my head that I have to have a touch point.
• 45:30
  I need to be at least at someone's game one time.
• 45:33
  And so I was telling Christina last week, my husband sometimes gives me, he calls it my efficiency score.
• 45:40
  And he'll, I'll tell him what I did over the weekend.
• 45:42
  And I say EJ had a game here and Reese's game was only two hours away.
• 45:47
  And I, if I left his game right when it was over, I was able to make the last three minutes of her game and drive her home.
• 45:53
  So now I spent eight hours, eight hours in a car, eight hours in a car.
• 45:57
  I come home.
• 45:58
  Now I'm exhausted.
• 45:59
  We're trying to order food.
• 46:01
  Yes, did I show my face at her game, but am I really in good shape now for anybody?
• 46:07
  Your efficiency score was a two.
• 46:09
  Yes, and now on the drive home, I am at that point where I have the stomach turning because I'm exhausted.
• 46:15
  I didn't stop to eat.
• 46:16
  I'm not the best version of myself anymore.
• 46:19
  And so it's almost like you're guilty.
• 46:22
  But it's these like self imposed things of what I'm supposed to do as a good mom is be at everything for everyone.
• 46:30
  And it's more about.
• 46:32
  Even if it's five minutes, but you had undivided, no phone, looking at your child where they're speaking, quality time.
• 46:39
  Yeah, so quality over quantity.
• 46:41
  Yes, definitely.
• 46:42
  I think that's super critical and these things don't have to be extravagant.
• 46:46
  Like spending a few minutes going to Starbucks to get a quick drink and coming back, but you listen to songs together.
• 46:52
  Maybe you didn't even speak, but you're not distracted by All the other things that are happening, you're really present for that little bit of time that you might have.
• 47:04
  You said something, you said it's self inflicted or self imposed.
• 47:08
  Chances are, maybe your kids are telling you.
• 47:11
  I want you there, but sometimes it's you putting that on yourself.
• 47:15
  They will, sometimes they'll say Mom, are you coming to my game today?
• 47:17
  With this intonation that, to me, sounds like they want me to be there, and who wouldn't want their mom or dad at the game?
• 47:25
  I just feel like sometimes, I think I'm supposed to be everywhere at once instead of being present for the places that I am at.
• 47:34
  I remember once my husband and I tried to go to two weddings in the same night and they were really far apart, but we barely had a good time because we were stuck in traffic.
• 47:45
  We could only be at the cocktail hour for one, barely made it.
• 47:48
  moral of the story is when you try to divide yourself and do too many things at once, You're missing the purpose of why you wanted to go to the game in the first place.
• 47:55
  Is to be there, be present.
• 47:57
  I like that reframing the bar or the bar analogy.
• 48:02
  Oh, I feel so guilty I left the kids at home.
• 48:04
  That's only normal to feel like that.
• 48:05
  How many times do we say oh, I feel so bad I left them all at home.
• 48:09
  But is it because we think we're supposed to say that?
• 48:12
  Because other people know that.
• 48:14
  Your kids are home on spring break and you're out working out at the bar.
• 48:18
  I know, I just said sometimes I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty.
• 48:21
  You said, you had said last week that you don't feel guilty because you needed that time away.
• 48:27
  You just felt bad, like you knew that they missed you.
• 48:30
  And so there was like a feeling of I understand.
• 48:32
  And I understand that there's, that they miss you.
• 48:34
  So it was more just compassion, but you took the guilt off of that because you said we deserve this time away.
• 48:41
  We need this.
• 48:42
  And you removed guilt off of the equation, which I think is extremely healthy to do.
• 48:47
  I think it's very hard to do that in most situations because you do feel guilt, but then I also feel like you feel you can feel a twinge of guilt, but I also do think that there is this, I'm supposed to feel.
• 49:02
  And so you add that layer into it where maybe you don't feel as guilty.
• 49:06
  You deserve something and you want to do it, but then you feel like other people might judge you for it.
• 49:12
  And so you're taking that and like twisting it and turning it into putting guilt on yourself and making a whole episode just about guilt.
• 49:21
  Yeah, definitely.
• 49:23
  And also our kids.
• 49:25
  Kids need to be with other kids and need to do things independently.
• 49:29
  So you know, back to my example of trying to be at everywhere at once they might carpool with another family and they had the best time with their friend and another mom or dad.
• 49:40
  And those things are really important too.
• 49:43
  So alleviating the thought that you have to be there at everything.
• 49:49
  is freeing sometimes, but I, it's hard, it really is hard and that goes back to, the self regulation strategies when you start to feel spiraling or your start to feel mom guilt, anything we talked about today, like when you start to feel feelings that are now taking over.
• 50:07
  It's time to implement your strategies and those strategies are independent for everyone you have to figure out works best for you.
• 50:15
  And we talked about this, but having a personal mantra, having a special snack, making sure that you had movement, if that's something that's important to you, music, touching upon all the senses, but you really have to know what works for you.
• 50:30
  And then I would add that we have to do this for our kids.
• 50:33
  They have to learn what works for them when they're feeling crappy, because we can't always be the ones that help regulate them.
• 50:42
  Maybe you can point out to them, Hey buddy, I'm noticing you seem like, whatever language you want to use, like for the little ones, it was like, your engine is running hot.
• 50:51
  Or, there was those colors of regulation for them.
• 50:55
  And.
• 50:56
  It's great they teach that in school now.
• 50:58
  You forget as an adult, you still have those same zones of regulation.
• 51:04
  But it's interesting because in the history of trying to.
• 51:08
  Help someone get calm.
• 51:09
  Saying calm down never works.
• 51:12
  But yet, that's something we always Imagine if somebody said that to you.
• 51:15
  Imagine if your spouse said that to you.
• 51:17
  Yeah, calm down is, or relax.
• 51:19
  It's like one, it's such a triggering word.
• 51:21
  It's the, and it is, it's the worst thing that you can do to somebody that's in that frenzied state.
• 51:25
  And it's like when you're talking to a toddler or a kid.
• 51:27
  That's not going to help anybody.
• 51:29
  Nobody calms down when you say calm down.
• 51:31
  It's not happening.
• 51:32
  And this goes back to your that the best thing to do in these heightened moments is to really just stay quiet, calm, monotone, implement the pause, even if you feel like there's no space for it, it really is the best thing to do because you need to regulate your own nervous system before you can interact functionally and practically with anyone.
• 51:56
  I love it.
• 51:56
  So I shared yesterday what my sort of perfect day was and I feel like you and I are very similar.
• 52:02
  We have very similar perfect days.
• 52:04
  Except I felt like when you were talking about all of your things and you said you try to touch upon them once a week, I'm like, I think I do all those things on a daily basis.
• 52:13
  Good for you.
• 52:13
  You're a working mom.
• 52:15
  You have.
• 52:15
  for kids and you're still finding the time to fit these things.
• 52:20
  And I come up with excuse after excuse of like why I'm unable to do that.
• 52:24
  And I think that's why I get myself into these frenzied situations where then I'm needing to do some repair afterwards because I got myself to a bad.
• 52:34
  Because I didn't take care of myself.
• 52:35
  You've given yourself permission now.
• 52:37
  It's not like that just happened yesterday.
• 52:38
  You've given yourself permission to know I need to carve out this time every day for me to get regulated so then you could then work, see patients, teach your classes, and tend to your children.
• 52:50
  In order to fill all of those pieces, you have to carve out time.
• 52:55
  And also, these perfect day things don't take hours upon hours.
• 52:59
  We're talking about an exercise class that's an hour, and when we talk about grabbing coffee, when you and I grab coffee, how long are we there for?
• 53:07
  I said 15 minutes.
• 53:08
  Yeah, you did say 15.
• 53:09
  Yeah, you said it was like a quick, yeah, because sometimes it's just A little dose of, this happened, what do you think about this?
• 53:14
  Grab your drink and we're out of there.
• 53:16
  So one of our listeners wrote in, how do I manage my teens emotions?
• 53:23
  And I thought that was an interesting way to phrase it because we're, I feel like we're always managing everybody else, right?
• 53:30
  So I know I'm always asking you for.
• 53:34
  and you have a teen yourself.
• 53:37
  And I feel like today I keep going back to the same kinds of strategies, which suggests how significant they are.
• 53:44
  But again, when your teen starts to engage in like highly emotional behavior, the most significant strategy is to stay calm and monotone because if you match their tone, their loudness, their energy, You're definitely going to now have probably a really heated altercation that then you're going to feel bad afterwards.
• 54:07
  nothing has been resolved, but that is a really hard thing.
• 54:11
  It's one of the hardest things is to remain calm in the face of this.
• 54:15
  And sometimes a lot of people will say but then you're letting them get away with that.
• 54:19
  You're letting them act like that.
• 54:21
  But I think it's really critical to look at the function of the behavior.
• 54:25
  And so are they.
• 54:27
  Are they speaking like that because they're just overall rude, disrespectful, bad, or are they speaking like that because they really have something going on, or they haven't eaten, they didn't sleep, they did poorly on a test, they had something social happen at school, so they had all these factors.
• 54:43
  that are contributing to the way that they might be responding right now.
• 54:48
  I feel like that's the definition of a teen.
• 54:50
  Having all of those things happen at the same time.
• 54:52
  But don't you think that's the definition of a mom in stress?
• 54:55
  Like I also feel, I'm sitting here okay, that's what I do.
• 54:59
  That just happens sometimes.
• 55:00
  That could happen in a stressful situation.
• 55:02
  And we had said it at the beginning of the episode, but we put all of this emphasis and pressure on our children and our teens to behave in a way that sometimes we don't always model.
• 55:13
  And so I think that's, it's such an interesting point.
• 55:17
  And this is something, like I said, I think it's one of the most important parenting strategies is to stay calm.
• 55:25
  And a lot of friends, people will say you're like the calmest person I know.
• 55:28
  How do you handle that?
• 55:29
  But inside, I have that twisting feeling that I actively have to work on calming.
• 55:36
  You're just not, you're not actively showing it because you have these systems in place to get yourself.
• 55:42
  But that doesn't mean that's.
• 55:43
  Sometimes it happens, like we're all human, but I might have that explosion.
• 55:48
  We're human.
• 55:48
  Yes.
• 55:49
  And so it happens, and I go back to the two things can be true.
• 55:55
  You could be a good parent, and you could have an explosion.
• 55:59
  But that's why you have to have the repair, to quote Dr.
• 56:02
  Becky.
• 56:03
  If you have the explosion, you have that accountability moment, where you said, we're modeling.
• 56:08
  Yes, we had that behavior that we wish we could take back, but now I'm saying And that was so heightened what was going on for us there.
• 56:18
  I didn't like the way I responded.
• 56:19
  I really want to work on that and I was really trying to listen to you.
• 56:23
  To bring it back to the question about managing your teen's emotions, I even feel this as a parent of toddlers, right?
• 56:29
  It's like you see some behavior, you see an explosion, a tantrum, and you do start worrying about is this a behavior is everything an addressable moment or sometimes can you just remain calm and is that enough parenting?
• 56:45
  But I would say that You are addressing it, you're addressing it by not responding in an emotional way.
• 56:50
  So it's maybe even teaching them.
• 56:52
  It's like you're tying back.
• 56:53
  We keep having the same where everything is circling back.
• 56:56
  It's like it's a teachable moment without it having to be a teachable moment where you're saying it's just that you're modeling behavior that it will rub off on them if they see that this is how you respond.
• 57:08
  If you fight fire with fire, you're only reinforcing that behavior.
• 57:13
  Perfectly said.
• 57:14
  I couldn't, have explained it any better and to go back to the original question Maybe it's not managing their emotions But it's learning how to respond in the most helpful and effective way to their emotions How to respond to their emotions not manage them And in that response, as Christina just said, you're modeling for them over time communication without blame, without, it's all the three things that we talked about today circling into one.
• 57:41
  And now I also know that, okay, I need to prepare in advance when I pick him up from school, I'm not going to start firing a thousand questions because when I did that, I noticed I got these really difficult responses.
• 57:54
  So now I'm reshaping what does the car ride home look like?
• 57:58
  Maybe we don't say anything.
• 57:59
  Maybe I just say, Hey, are you hungry?
• 58:01
  Would you like to stop somewhere?
• 58:03
  Instead of adding to their emotional load, you don't know what happened for them in the day.
• 58:08
  I can't speak for other moms of teenagers, but I know, and you know this, I wind up taking, it's like a chameleon.
• 58:15
  If my teenager's having a hard time, I'm down in the dumps.
• 58:19
  I am like, my heart is hurting.
• 58:22
  You're only as happy as your unhappiest kid.
• 58:24
  But then the next moment, they've forgotten about it.
• 58:27
  They've moved on, and I'm like, wait a minute, that was like So awful.
• 58:32
  What do you mean?
• 58:32
  It's over?
• 58:34
  We're good?
• 58:35
  It's done?
• 58:36
  And that's another, you mentioned, oh, that, I like to say newborns, if you look it up in the dictionary, in the encyclopedia, which isn't a thing, you Google it, and they say tiny little humans that don't sleep and cry and burp and need to be fed.
• 58:50
  You look up teenagers, developmentally, we're seeing a group that has difficulty with regulating emotions, usually ha, are messy, forgetful, there's all these things that are happening for teenagers developmentally.
• 59:05
  That it's hard for them to hold it all together because they're experiencing so many changes physically and brain development.
• 59:15
  Wow, that definition I feel like it's me right now.
• 59:18
  Forgetful, messy.
• 59:21
  Have I not developed?
• 59:24
  It's because you have too many things on your plate at once, so some things are bound to get forgotten.
• 59:29
  So another listener question is, how do I get my partner to take on more of the mental load without feeling like I'm nagging?
• 59:37
  I feel again, we could do an entire episode on the mental load of motherhood and what goes into decisions and again, it ties back into all of our themes of the controlling behavior and all of that.
• 59:50
  What would you say to her?
• 59:52
  I think Christina mentioned this a few episodes ago in terms of recognizing that everyone in the house can have different roles.
• 1:00:01
  And if you feel like you're nagging, let's say, about our same particular thing, why don't we have communication about I need help.
• 1:00:09
  I feel like I can't do all of this.
• 1:00:11
  Let's talk about some things that I know that you leave early in the morning for work, so maybe helping getting the kids ready.
• 1:00:18
  Might not be something you can help with, but is dinner something or is, bringing home dinner or is, really dividing tasks that are conducive to everyone's schedule and not thinking also things have to be done at that moment.
• 1:00:35
  And I think about kids and our spouses, for example, you need help with this table being moved.
• 1:00:42
  Asking your husband during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl to move something is the same thing as asking your child who is building this Lego set that it's time to leave.
• 1:00:53
  And so also timing the way that you ask for help and need the support in terms of when everyone is accessible.
• 1:01:04
  I love that.
• 1:01:05
  I love that.
• 1:01:05
  I know we talked a lot about everything in this household is about how we frame it, when we ask for it, how we ask for it, because chances are like if I want my needs met, if I want my son to bring down his laundry basket, I can't yell at him in the middle of his Fortnite game.
• 1:01:23
  He's going to a get mad that I turned off fortnight and B he's never bringing down the laundry, right?
• 1:01:28
  It is.
• 1:01:28
  I agree.
• 1:01:29
  All of this is about reframing.
• 1:01:31
  I had talked about this.
• 1:01:32
  I think I touched on it briefly in another episode, but I go to therapy and I have difficulty with communication and a lot of it is because I'm communicating in my head and I don't verbalize those things out.
• 1:01:46
  And one of the things that my therapist told me is reframing how your wants and needs into just that.
• 1:01:54
  And we touched on this instead of the blame game and instead of coming at it from maybe something where the other person might receive it as a negative thing, you do say things like, I want, I need, I feel.
• 1:02:11
  And if you reframe questions with those three kind of beginnings, the question sounds so much nicer and it's mostly well received.
• 1:02:21
  By doing it that way.
• 1:02:24
  Agreed.
• 1:02:24
  And it goes back to before we talked about that strategy of jotting everything down on your iPhone and taking the you out of that communication exchange.
• 1:02:32
  You never help.
• 1:02:33
  I need you to do this.
• 1:02:35
  So you take the you out and it's I really need help with this today because I have a really busy day.
• 1:02:41
  If you just focus on the second part of that sentence, you never do this.
• 1:02:45
  I need, if you just remove the, you never, and you just say, I need you to help me with the kids getting everybody out the door this morning.
• 1:02:53
  It just, it doesn't feel as.
• 1:02:55
  I guess forceful or it feels a little bit more collaborative, right?
• 1:02:59
  Yes, and that goes back to the whole strategy of pretending it's a co worker.
• 1:03:04
  Our brains are hardwired to respond to situations the way that we have Historically been doing it for the past however many years 15 20 30 years So we're instinctually responding the way that we have previously responded.
• 1:03:21
  So a lot of the things we're talking about it, it's not always natural to not respond while your kids having a tantrum.
• 1:03:27
  It's doesn't always feel natural to stay calm when someone's throwing something across the room.
• 1:03:34
  And so it takes a lot to retrain your brain to think in a different way and say, okay, like this behavior looks like he's trying to.
• 1:03:44
  acquire my attention.
• 1:03:45
  So the best thing to do is to remain calm, make sure he's safe, remove things with no emotion, and then regroup and reset.
• 1:03:53
  That doesn't seem like something we would just naturally do without recognizing over time Oh, that was successful.
• 1:04:02
  I stayed calm.
• 1:04:04
  It worked, it decreased or things like that.
• 1:04:06
  So a lot of the stuff we spoke about today, I don't think it happens naturally or intuitively.
• 1:04:12
  It really takes a lot of work to do all the preparing in advance and to look at your lifestyle and see what areas need the most advanced preparation.
• 1:04:22
  Both for possible outcomes, as well as the organizational piece, and again, the communication, the pause helps you think about, how do I want to say this right now without hurting or blaming?
• 1:04:34
  That, again, takes a lot of effort to retrain your brain.
• 1:04:38
  It also takes effort to, let's say you get there, and you're pausing.
• 1:04:43
  In front of your child, but then you have your spouse who hasn't learned that tool yet, right?
• 1:04:48
  And then they're jumping in because you haven't communicated with them yet.
• 1:04:53
  This new tool that you've used, that you've learned, and I think because of my background in behavior, A, I feel ridiculously embarrassed if my kids behave poorly because I'm like, wait a minute, I do this every day.
• 1:05:07
  We should have model children sitting perfectly at everything, which is, if you know the langs, that's not the case.
• 1:05:15
  But it is hard sometimes because I don't want to overstep my husband's interactions with the kids and I don't, I would not want to correct a behavior in front of them either.
• 1:05:26
  I don't think that's appropriate or helpful, but if I have this level of expertise and I want to share it, how can I do it in a really kind way that truly is for the best outcome for the kids.
• 1:05:39
  Just I don't know anything about hockey, so I would value, let's say his input on, a certain situation with the kids or something like that.
• 1:05:47
  So that's where that communication piece also comes in.
• 1:05:51
  Like, how can I communicate to my spouse?
• 1:05:54
  Hey, we're ignoring that behavior instead of.
• 1:05:58
  Creating, now you're starting something else in front of the kids and now you and your spouse are dysregulated in their presence.
• 1:06:05
  Because now you're not blaming.
• 1:06:06
  And you're not, you're doing clear communication.
• 1:06:09
  And sometimes things have to happen after the fact.
• 1:06:12
  And then you add it to your toolkit for next time this is a problem.
• 1:06:16
  This is what we need to work on.
• 1:06:17
  And let's go from there.
• 1:06:19
  Yeah.
• 1:06:20
  So now we're going to do our pink spotlight of the week, and this is an exciting one because we have three pink spotlights to share.
• 1:06:26
  So we will let our guests go first, but our pink spotlight is a segment where we each share a person, place, thing, or tip that is helping make life a little bit better this week.
• 1:06:37
  So Dr.
• 1:06:38
  Lang, what is yours?
• 1:06:40
  So I think I alluded to this several times today, but I wanted to share that my pink spotlight is the gift of movement.
• 1:06:48
  I think that we take it for granted possibly that we have the ability to just freely move our bodies every day.
• 1:06:56
  And so besides the physical benefits that many are aware of in terms of cardiovascular health, Managing hormones, boosting your immune system, strength and flexibility, increased energy levels throughout the day.
• 1:07:09
  There's even more significant mental health benefits to daily exercise and movement.
• 1:07:16
  And moving your body every day can help with anxiety, depression, stress levels, all the things we talked about.
• 1:07:23
  It releases endorphins, which are natural mood boosters.
• 1:07:27
  And movement is my pink spotlight and I like to try to infuse that every day, even on vacation.
• 1:07:33
  I feel like it's something that I need to do in order to feel regulated all circles back and I would be remiss not to mention that typically it also helps support your social connectivity so how we met going to a fitness class or playing tennis or getting the coffee after.
• 1:07:53
  Is also helpful.
• 1:07:55
  So you're not feeling isolated all day and you're moving, interacting.
• 1:07:59
  And so that is my pink spotlight.
• 1:08:01
  I love that because then that ties back into the finding your flock episode, which was our first episode, which we had said we, I had asked T what were some ways that she met other friends and she went through the list and said, exercise was a great one.
• 1:08:13
  Me and Christine met at bar when our littles were just babies.
• 1:08:17
  Yes, Drew was three months old.
• 1:08:19
  They're still very good friends.
• 1:08:20
  That's so fun.
• 1:08:22
  I love it.
• 1:08:22
  Okay, so T, what's yours?
• 1:08:25
  I know usually I'm talking about my new favorite lip gloss or beauty fine, but today I'm going to piggyback on this lesson today and it's just listening.
• 1:08:37
  I have a And lately, all I find from him is all he wants to do is come home and unload the day on me.
• 1:08:45
  And he does not want me to solve anything.
• 1:08:47
  He doesn't want me to solve any problems.
• 1:08:49
  He just wants me to listen.
• 1:08:51
  And it is actually much harder than you think to just listen to your kid, tell you all of these things.
• 1:08:59
  All you want to do is write an angry email or call somebody or.
• 1:09:03
  Tell him what to do or whatever and I just listen and I've noticed that he and I are having these great conversations now that I'm just listening to him.
• 1:09:14
  So it's this whole new thing I'm trying.
• 1:09:16
  I love that.
• 1:09:17
  I feel, and I feel like that's something that could apply to really any relationship that you have.
• 1:09:22
  Yeah.
• 1:09:22
  I'm all ears for him lately.
• 1:09:24
  I love that.
• 1:09:25
  Yes, and it goes back to the you in the pause in terms of understanding, like trying to understand where the other person is coming from and that can help with your communication because you're listening to listen.
• 1:09:37
  So I'm listening.
• 1:09:38
  one person in my family.
• 1:09:40
  All right.
• 1:09:41
  How about you, Christina?
• 1:09:42
  So mine is going to be a thing and it I guess it does go with Dr.
• 1:09:47
  Lange's movement because so now I have two toddlers and they both want to like move.
• 1:09:53
  And so the stroller walks that I used to go on that kind of would save me mentally.
• 1:09:59
  are gone because I can no longer take anybody in a stroller.
• 1:10:03
  Like they want to be free.
• 1:10:04
  They want to move too.
• 1:10:05
  Yeah.
• 1:10:05
  The stroller is so restrictive, but at the same time, they're both very little.
• 1:10:10
  And so if we go on a walk I know I am an eventually have to put them in something because I can't be carrying them both and they can't walk for miles and miles.
• 1:10:19
  My parents actually gifted us this wonderful wagon and ours is a two seater, but it is amazing because it's basically a humongous wagon and, but there's much more room in it.
• 1:10:34
  So if you have kids that are probably a little too big for a stroller, but like they're also too little to walk.
• 1:10:41
  This is a great in between and so there's two seats You can actually drop the seats down or remove them So it could just be like an open wagon if you want or you can put the seats in Because I have my littlest one leila she can't even sit like she can't even it looks like a little bench in there She doesn't even want to sit so we drop the seat down and she just Stands, it actually looks like she's in I you have on a parade flow to close.
• 1:11:05
  Looks like she's like the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.
• 1:11:07
  Like she looks like she should be waving at everybody as we're walking by.
• 1:11:11
  But'cause she stands literally like with her elbows on the top and looks out and then my son will happily sit in the seat.
• 1:11:18
  But that is gonna be like a game changer for us.
• 1:11:20
  I feel like t you might see me walking around the neighborhood I just love them so much.
• 1:11:25
  And but it's been a game changer and I know that they make them even.
• 1:11:28
  bigger, like they have, they make four seaters.
• 1:11:31
  I feel like that might start to get a little bit tough to push, but you just need the golf cart.
• 1:11:34
  Yeah.
• 1:11:35
  Yeah.
• 1:11:35
  Then I'm going to, yeah, then you need a golf cart, but we want to keep these kids moving.
• 1:11:39
  It's nice because I can do a walk with them.
• 1:11:42
  And then when they tire out, they get plopped in.
• 1:11:45
  In the wagon.
• 1:11:46
  So it's a little bit of movement for me and then it makes them happy.
• 1:11:49
  So I'll make sure to link the one that we have.
• 1:11:51
  It's awesome.
• 1:11:52
  I love that.
• 1:11:53
  So to piggyback on the movement piece, next week we have Leah Maselli coming on.
• 1:12:00
  So excited.
• 1:12:00
  And she is a clinical dietitian and Pilates instructor.
• 1:12:05
  She's my Pilates queen.
• 1:12:06
  I've been doing Pilates with Leah for over five years.
• 1:12:09
  I cannot wait to have her on.
• 1:12:11
  I know.
• 1:12:12
  She is incredible.
• 1:12:13
  And she's awesome.
• 1:12:14
  She's also an entrepreneur and she has built an amazing platform and we're just excited to share a lot of tips with you guys about movement.
• 1:12:23
  But also as a business owner, I feel like she's just very inspiring.
• 1:12:28
  She's had some rediscovering of herself too, maybe not as a mom, but also just with shifting her careers and starting this platform.
• 1:12:38
  How, even though she has now a virtual platform, it's still very community based.
• 1:12:42
  Yes.
• 1:12:43
  Yeah.
• 1:12:43
  We're so excited to have her on, but.
• 1:12:45
  Christine, thank you so much for coming on today.
• 1:12:48
  so much.
• 1:12:48
  Our first guest.
• 1:12:49
  Thank you so much for having me on.
• 1:12:51
  That was really fun and exciting.
• 1:12:53
  And I wanted to share that for those listening that want to learn more about the PAWS model and some of the methods that I had learned about as well, you can visit www.
• 1:13:05
  selfcollaborative.
• 1:13:06
  com.
• 1:13:07
  Selfleadershipcollaborative.
• 1:13:08
  com.
• 1:13:09
  And where can our listeners find you?
• 1:13:10
  Anybody that's local in the area, New York, Connecticut, looking to seek out a behavioral specialist for their child.
• 1:13:17
  Where can they find you?
• 1:13:18
  Awesome.
• 1:13:19
  So that would be Westchesterbehavior.
• 1:13:21
  com.
• 1:13:22
  Okay, great.
• 1:13:23
  We'll link that in the show notes, but thank you so much.
• 1:13:26
  We're so lucky to have you in our lives and now our listeners are too.
• 1:13:29
  Alright, see you next week.
• 1:13:31
  Bye.