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Transcript

S3 Ep1: Man's Best Friend… Is Himself 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting old.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you never know how you're going to find out that you're getting old.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: But the world will tell you.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I heard a vampire weekend song in a blood pressure commercial.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to do cocaine to that vampire weekend song.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I am currently on that blood pressure medication.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be young and beautiful like you.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I used to use my body.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I would drink until I was blacking out, and then I would do a bump of cocaine just so I could keep drinking, and the entire time I would be on Molly.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: You understand?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And now, if I eat a cookie, I can't read for an hour.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm only 39 years old.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I look 39, by the way.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I look 39 the way people in the 1970s looked 39.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Some people tell you their age, and then people are like, what?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Drop the skincare routine, Queen.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Go on.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: No one has ever said that to me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a routine, too.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I moisturize.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I do, but when I moisturize, I don't look younger, I just look old and wet.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I look like.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I look like I own a failing deli.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I look like every time there's a boar's head recall, that hits me personally.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at the age now where my mom's kitchen art is starting to hit.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you know you're old.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be in my mom's kitchen and I'll be like, damn.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: The butterfly does get all the glory.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the caterpillar does all the work.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I should schedule a colonoscopy.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's what.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I see another fact about how old I am that hurts my feelings.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be scrolling on Instagram or TikTok, and I'll and I'll see something that's like, did you know that the amount of time between right now and the release of the first Jurassic Park movie is the same amount of time between the release of the first Jurassic Park movie and when actual dinosaurs roamed the earth?
• 2:41
  unknown: Thank you.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to age gracefully, I'm trying to, I'm trying to I'm trying to own it, I'm trying to make my life better.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I realized recently that I have anxiety and I've I've been trying to deal with it.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: My wife told me that when I get anxious, I should take a bath to calm down.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that is excellent advice for a beautiful person.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get in the bath, I'm in the bath with me, and that is not a calming experience.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am covered in hair from the top of my head to the top of my feet.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And when I get a bath, all of my body hair starts free-flowing in the water.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like a kelp forest.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just flat, and then my penis is floating there too, so this way, body hair and my penis.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like Danny DeVito going for a swim off the coast of Monterey.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You realize eventually that getting older means finding out that everything that once brought you joy is now, in fact, slowly killing you.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew that would happen.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that would come with the food and the drinking and the drugs.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I went to the doctor recently, and my doctor told me that I can no longer even sleep safely.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because my doctor told me that I have something called sleep apnea.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this is after every woman I've ever slept with telling me that I have sleep apnea.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: In case anyone doesn't know, sleep apnea is a condition where when you fall asleep, uh your your belly presses down on your lungs and you snore so bad that not enough oxygen gets to your heart and your brain.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, when I fall asleep, I turn into a pug.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I turn into a pug, like medically.
• 4:37
  unknown: French bulldogs.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, French Bulldog, too.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Pug, French Bulldog.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Any of those things that we probably shouldn't have created, but now our aunts love them so much that we can't we can't turn back now.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've come too far.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: All of the Danny DeVitos of the dog world that would have been like, well, we love Danny DeVito.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's awful.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You think a pug ever sees like a wolf and he's like, yeah, us, dude?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Us, bro.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: My cat, we were watching, uh we were watching like Animal Planner the other day, and I saw my cat watching a cheetah on the screen, and I felt so guilty.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what was I tired?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god, sleep apnea.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's depressing finding out that you have sleep apnea.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But also, if you think about it, it's a tale of human triumph.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have become so comfortable, so good at eating, that I can no longer sleep safely.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I broke the system.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have become comfortable beyond God's foresight.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And we have even, humans, conquered sleep apnea.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have a device now that I can put on when I fall asleep that lets me sleep safely.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's called a CPAP mask.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a mask that goes on over my whole nose and my mouth.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I look like a fighter pilot on a mission to never have sex again for the rest of my life.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: If I have sex now, that happens between noon and six.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand me?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a mask with a hose that goes to a box.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: When that thing goes on, it's it is off.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't look like it's time to have sex, it looks like it's time to say goodbye to pop pop for the very last time.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I worry about this.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I worry now about what might happen if I die in my sleep while I'm wearing this mask.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I die in my sleep while I'm wearing this mask, that means my ghost will also be wearing this mask.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: We all understand how that works, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your ghost is wearing whatever clothes you were wearing when you die.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's hard science.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's hard, that's a hard scientific fact.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's gonna make it hard for me to meet the other ghosts because they're gonna see me wearing this mask and they're gonna assume I have a cool story, right?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna be like, oh, ho ho ho ho, what happened to you, dude?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: That could be that guy died in 1543, by the way.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: We have no idea.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: We have no idea what ghosts sounded like.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what they sounded like in the 1500s.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus could have talked, like, wow, what's up, dude?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Every he could like, oh yeah, I actually hang out with hella prostitutes, bro.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm cool.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll wash your feet, dude.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Whip those babies out.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll wash your feet right now.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Every guy I knew who would wash someone's feet sounded like that.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think Jesus sounded like that.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: One water, please.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: But they're gonna think I got a cool story.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna be like, oh man, what happened to you?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did you did you die undersea welding or something like that?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna let them down.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to let them down.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be like, oh no, nothing like that.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I had so much fudge that my body forgot how to sleep.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: One nice thing about getting older is you really know what you like.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm an elder millennial from Portland, Oregon.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I like all of the elder millennial from Portland, Oregon things that you think I like.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I won't eat at a restaurant unless the light bulbs and the beverages come in mason jars.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand me?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Every restaurant that I like to eat at has an ampersand in the middle of the name.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's always something and the wolf.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Every restaurant I eat at, turkey and the wolf, the wolf and the wolf.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'll eat at any one of them.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: As long as there's an ampersand in the middle, I'll eat at Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Every restaurant I like to eat at is farm to table.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I won't eat at a restaurant unless it's farm to table, which is a very silly thing for a restaurant to say about itself.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's where they grow food.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what you eat it off of.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And every restaurant on the planet.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Arby's is a farm-to-table restaurant.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a disgusting farm.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the table is bolted to the floor, but it's a farm-to-table restaurant anyway.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: When I say farm to table, I mean something very specific.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean a farm owned by a lovely lesbian couple who left entertainment and bought goats.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say table, I mean like a door that used to be on a very old church that's been put on its side, and then you sit around it with six other couples who you don't know, you didn't come with them.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you all talk about the same three A24 movies all the time.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: When I go to a restaurant, the waiter always says the exact same thing when they come over.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: They say, Is this your first time dining with us?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have to let you know we do things a little bit different here.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Every single time we do things a little bit different.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Never once has it been different.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's always like small plates, they come out when they're ready, you're supposed to share them.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: They've never been like, we do things a little bit different.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now take your shirt off and get in the kitchen.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're making me dinner.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've never ordered the onion ring tower that comes out on a man's erect penis, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta finish it before he goes soft or they fall on the floor.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've been eating Caramel, thank you for your time, you're wonderful.