Latest / Dits & Dahs / giving myself a helping hand
Transcript
- Sue: I've had over a week since the last of my late husband's equipment has left the house to organize my thoughts regarding a cleanup, an organization of my stuff kind of plan. Feature of it is, is that while I can estimate how long it's going to take to do X, Y, and Z past, that was predicated on the fact that I had a partner that was taking care of A, B, and C while I was attending to the other. Of course, now I have to see to the entire alphabet all by myself. And it's a kind of shift in my mindset because these things aren't things that get done on a routine basis, but now I have to make a routine for them for the sake that there's not a second person to assist, nor is there money in the kitty to pay for professionals to do the job. One of the daunting feelings I had was the fact that recognizing that in order to do task A, It was going to take me eight or ten hours and as I mentioned, I'm the only one doing this stuff and I can't afford to put that much attention in one task when there's other responsibilities. These are the realities of what it is to be a surviving spouse after your life partner dies. Because there are things that you don't often come across and it might be years before that opportunity presents itself and you find yourself as I did for a couple of days thinking I'll just plan as I always did and started to recognize that, know, you can't do it that way. That's not your life anymore. And then with that reckoning, say to self, well, Susu, what is your life? And it comes back to being able to do a little bit on everything every day. And if the weather is conducive, things will all get taken care of reasonably in a balanced manner. And to give myself grace and patience for it to have to work unfolded that way. By doing so in this way, it gives me the opportunity if I have to step it up, I can do so without offsetting the entirety of my life schedule for a couple of days. I'm now in a place where if somebody calls me up and says that they're coming for a visit, it's much more of a reasonable thing for me now to prepare for. And I can put forth that effort rather than not being able to handle it all. Not being able to handle it all means that I might not have had the money to make those kinds of visits happen. It might have been that I didn't have enough room in the house to make those events happen. For a long time, I didn't even have a sleeper couch to appropriately give somebody use of if they wanted to spend the night. So for a year and a half when I didn't have that couch, my mindset changed to not even entertaining the possibility that that kind of guest would be coming, because where would they go? And those kind of subtle adjustments may not seem like a big deal, but If you're, for example, a situation where you're living paycheck to paycheck and you find out that you're going to be hosting guests on a very short notice, what are you going to do if you don't have money to put forth? Because you want to be hospitable and generous with what you have and share it, of course. So these are the kind of changes in my mindset that have transitioned me to a place to understand that I can get everything done well, just that things are more segmented now. I suppose I should probably hang on the front door. This is a work in progress. I suppose it's like ⁓ painting bridges. Some of them are large enough where once they start painting them, once they get to the end, it's ready to start the process again. That kind of eternal circle of events, which of course is life and I embrace it. But it does make for a different mindset now. And as they say, it's not something that would have been appreciated by me four years ago because I was going through many more things that had higher priority. The fact that I can focus on purging more of my material belongings with the space to shuffle things around and properly clean now is first time in this house that that's happened. And what I appreciate is the opportunity now to make of the space as I see fit that best suits Rita and myself today. Thankfully, she's got a couch long enough for me, so if I have to sleep on it to entertain guests that visit, I'm good. Not that I've extended any invitations, but I'm much further along in this chapter of my new life than I was even six months ago. But it's a curiosity to me that in the week that I spent sort of planning the cleanup and the reorganization and the purging, that I had slipped into the old school mindset because there was no reason to adopt a new mindset until this week. And how comfortable it was and how much I didn't notice it wasn't fitting until... I spent a couple of days just not being frustrated, but just sort of looking at what really needed to be done and understanding there was no way I was going to be able to do the kind of push of labor that I might have in the past if had I had a partner in the house with me. Even if that partner wasn't working on the specific task, it's just the idea that something else is getting done in the house that I can't attend to, as I mentioned. It's little old me, and that's okay. I've mentioned in previous videos that when I first experienced a morning in grief, I was so paralyzed by it that I had to do a physical, or I should say a mental list each and every day, a checklist of was I emotionally okay, was I physically okay. was I spiritually okay? And to make certain that one of each of those realms had some little effort put forth in a positive way to help and to also give myself grace on those days when the grief was too much to do much of anything else. I don't live my life that way anymore, but certainly the events of this last week have sort of shown them again in this context. And the other side of it is at the end of the day, I always express a bit of gratitude for the things that I was able to get done. And I suppose it's like in my professional life where I would finish the workday planning what I hope would be the agenda for the next day and be flexible if things conspired against that happening. By giving thanks for what I was able to do is valuing myself more. And if all that I was able to do was to spend a day reflecting and relaxing. I value myself more for that. I have to make certain that those are sprinkled in a balanced way amongst the rest of the days when I really should be doing something like finding the pocket knives in each and every garment of clothing my husband owned. I'm realizing that he also sprinkled flashlights or torches as the Brits say throughout the house. And so part of the reorg is to gather all those like items, put them in one place, purge from the mindset of somebody who has a minimal amount of tools that are everyday carry and has decided that he'd rather have enough duplicates of the tools rather than transfer the everyday carry kit with him from garment to garment daily. Just put your EDC in each and every garment you have that has pockets. This is a man who amongst the nightmares he shared with me was one of not being able to buy a tool as he walked past a hardware store and admired it in the window realizing he didn't have any dosh. I don't know what other nightmares he had, but that was one that was repetitive and often spoke conversation. I mentioned this only for the sake that there are times when significant life events occur. It doesn't have to be a death. mean, it could be, you know, relationship ending or a job changing towns or, you know, something that is the kind of upset to the routine of something that you might have been doing mindlessly, if you will, for years. And while most of what you're doing is remaining the same, does nonetheless require a different focus on your part. And it can create a bit of unease or in my case a couple of days of only to get myself motivated on the path. So I'm grateful that I found a more practical approach to all that has to be done. And a lot of that is due to the fact I'm in my happy place most of the time. And this is where your spiritual balance is key because that way you see things from a much further distance or better. you need to. I think it's easy to overlook how much grace and patience we have to have with ourselves. It feels weird. And then when you put some logic to it, you recognize, well, I'd be giving that person external of me grace and patience. I should give myself that. When I look back on this week and the mental planning I've created for myself, it's an affirmation. I control myself. No one controls me. Not even for a fun game. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we're in control of ourselves. If you need a reminder for me that you are in control of you, I've just given that to you. You are in control. You don't feel that you're in control of yourself? Have a look within. Or are you allowing in your energy to manipulate you so that you do not fail? It's not about being solo in your life. It's about being autonomous. Thanks for listening.