Latest / The Diva Details / The Art of Communication: Stop the Games — Dating, Texting & Honest Communication

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The Art of Communication: Stop the Games — Dating, Texting & Honest Communication · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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Hello, this is Diva Mia, and today I wanted to talk to you about dating.
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So we've talked a little bit about flirting, we've talked a little bit about
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kissing, now we're going to cover the art of dating.
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I think it's important the communication that goes along with it because it
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will determine whether or not
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you date someone long-term or whether it's a short-term dating situation.
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We're all trying to find the soulmate that is the person that makes us feel
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comfortable, makes us feel like we've met the person that matches our values,
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that aligns with us, that is romantic, that does things the same way we would do things.
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Finding your soulmate is what I think we're all kind of looking for.
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Dating apps have kind of polluted it a little bit.
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I think it gives you opportunities to meet more people, but at the same time,
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a lot of people don't give the right people the amount of time that they need.
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You have to decide right away what you're looking for, Whether you're looking for a relationship,
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whether you're looking for marriage, whether you're looking for just some fun
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time with someone else, some connection, some closeness, you have to decide
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what's most important to you.
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I think emotional intelligence is a big part of this because you need to look
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inward and say, where am I at in my life and what am I specifically looking for?
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Because it may be a point in your life you don't always have to go for a relationship.
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Maybe you're just wanting someone to hang out with once in a while.
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Maybe you're looking for someone to date once in a while. It doesn't have to
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be your forever person just because you're dating them.
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But if that's the situation, you need to make sure you explain that to the other
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person. You're not looking for anything serious.
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If you're going to be dating around, you should also tell the other person that,
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Hey, look, I'm dating lots of people right now.
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I haven't decided on one so that you don't, you know, break their heart or hurt
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their feelings because they may wrap a lot up into you.
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Just because you're dating around doesn't mean that they are.
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There is a lot that goes into dating.
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And texting has become a huge part of dating that didn't even exist when I was
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first dating back in the day.
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Texting can get you into trouble because sometimes people read into texts a
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lot and they say, What did they mean by that? Or how did they mean that?
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So be careful with texting. When you over-explain things, it comes across as
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callous. And sometimes when you under-explain things, it does.
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So texting should be, you got to get good at texting. If you're not good at
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texting, it may hurt your dating abilities.
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One of the big things too is we need to stay calm in our communication,
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but also be confident because your confidence will come through on your texting
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and your phone conversations and your dating.
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It shows a level of emotional maturity and that you're grounded.
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And both men and women want that. We want to find people that are emotionally
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mature and grounded. It can be confusing because a lot of people will ghost you.
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A lot of people will lead you on and then completely disappear.
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A lot of the dating right now is just kind of surface level.
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You'll go on a date and it's a little fake, honestly.
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I always come out on my dates as pretty honest. Great, if you like what you
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see, great. If not, then move on.
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I'm not going to fake for anyone. And the reason is because I don't want to
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date someone for three months and then think I'm one way and then come across.
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And then when they get to know the real me, they don't like it.
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I'm very much upfront about who I am.
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And if they don't like me, that's okay.
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Dating, honestly, dating feels exhausting these days.
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It's not because love is dead, but it's because communication is broken down.
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People don't know how to talk.
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We're focused mostly on communication today because that's such an integral part of dating. does.
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Fear of the unknown, fear of talking to people is still a problem for people.
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People want to connect, but they also want to protect themselves without the gameplay.
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They want to talk to people. They don't want to be ghosted. If you're talking
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to someone every day and then you just disappear for three or four days,
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that's considered ghosting.
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Even if you haven't dated them, it's still considered ghosting.
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So do the nice thing and say, look, I'm just not feeling it. And just say goodbye.
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There's no reason to game play with people. I think we need to be more clear
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because we need to respect ourselves, but we also need to respect others.
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If you're clear and honest about what you're looking for and what your attraction
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levels are, it will go a long way.
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I know there's a lot of pushy people out there, but you have the right to say
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no if you're not interested.
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I encourage that. If you're not interested, just say no.
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Hopefully, by the end of this episode, you're going to know how to communicate
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without chasing people.
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And chasing is not good. I don't really think chasing is great on either side
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because it always makes one side look desperate.
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But there should be an equal back and forth communication.
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If you're having anxiety around texting, that's kind of a sign that you need
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to do some more internal work, just so you know.
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If you're anxious about somebody not texting or texting, go look inside and
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find out where your flaws are and what you need to work on.
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But don't lead people on. Don't lead people on. Don't try to manipulate them.
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It's just not a good way. And you're going to lose out on people that could
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really very well be your soulmate.
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I think dating right now feels a little hostile. out.
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We go back to the time before there was texting, and people would meet people
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in bars, they'd meet people at clubs, they'd meet people at events. They still do that.
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There wasn't a bunch of texting first off. Right now, when you meet someone
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on a dating app, the first thing you do is you text them.
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They can ghost you. They can give you breadcrumbs where they're just every once
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in a while reaching out to you and kind of leading you on. Or there's like a hot, cold behavior.
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This is making it feel very hostile to date for a lot of people.
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Because what's happening is people have access to hundreds of other people.
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And they're weighing one person against another. There's a scale.
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If you don't rise to the top of it and you're not a great texter,
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you're going to lose out. A lot of good men may lose out because they're not
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good at texting, but something you need to develop.
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Don't text too fast, culture is going on right now.
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Like, there's a rule that, oh, you can't text them back right away.
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I kind of disagree. I think it's disrespectful to wait a day to text someone back.
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I think there's this internal power struggle going on with texting that doesn't
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need to be there. If you're honest and open, I'm not saying as soon as someone
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texts you, jump on the phone and, oh, I got to text them back right away.
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But don't wait for a long time just to play some game.
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If you want to text them back, text them back.
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Games are not confidence. It's fear that you're wearing as a costume.
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It really is. When you play games with somebody, you're just afraid of finding
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out yourself and finding out who they are.
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But if you're playing games, you're being tricky and manipulative and fake. Here's the truth.
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If you're a game player and you're texting someone...
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They have, they'll just walk away now. It used to be when people couldn't play
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games, they were playing coy and playing hard to get.
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It worked. But now if someone plays games or they constantly ghost you or breadcrumb
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you, most people will just say, I'm not interested and walk away.
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They do that because they're like, well, I got a hundred other people waiting
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in my queue that aren't ghosting me or at least 50.
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So people don't have to wait around for your gameplay and your manipulation. People don't like it.
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Emotionally mature people aren't playing games because when emotionally mature
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people see the gameplay, we recognize it as complete manipulation.
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We leave quickly. If you're going to gameplay with people and try to manipulate
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people, they're just going to leave.
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I mean, I had a person do that to me and I just left. I just ended it right there.
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I couldn't take it. I was like, I deserve more. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
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I found it very disrespectful, the whole ghosting and hot and cold behavior. I don't like that.
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It's a waste of my time. Because honestly, if you're hot and cold now,
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how are you going to be in a relationship?
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If you gameplay now, are you going to gameplay the whole relationship?
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I don't want a manipulative relationship. I've done with narcissists. I don't want that.
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If that's what you're looking for, then kudos. But most people don't want that.
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Most people want honesty. They want maturity. They want consistency.
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Because quite frankly, if you're not consistent with your texting and communication,
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you're going to find that people don't want to be around you.
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So I will say I've dated people that were very consistent and I've dated people
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that were not consistent at all.
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The people that were not consistent, they annoyed me. It was more of an annoyance.
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I was like, well, maybe they'll follow up. Maybe they won't.
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I just kind of gave up on even caring.
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Because if they're not consistent, it shows me they don't really care.
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Now, when they're consistent, it shows they care. Why would I chase someone
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that doesn't care about me unless I want to, you know, self-sacrifice myself?
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So games, they create distrust.
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There's no desire for a person that is playing games with you. The desire goes away.
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It might be fun for a little bit, but it's gone after any amount of time.
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A secure person also, a person that you're looking for as a secure partner,
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they're going to show up.
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They're going to be consistent. If someone's secure and you're game playing,
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which I would expect most people want a secure relationship,
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not an anxious relationship and not an avoidant.
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Most people want a secure partner. If you're playing games, anybody that's secure,
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they're just going to say, too bad, I'm done and leave and walk away.
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So you're going to be left with the crappy people and then you're going to complain
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about it because you're only dating crazy men that are either avoidant or have anxiety or anxious.
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Avoidants, they're the ones that play the most games.
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Realize that if somebody's being an avoidant, they're talking to you,
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talking to them, they ghost you. That's probably an avoidant type of personality.
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We did talk about the personality types and the attachment styles.
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If you date an avoidant, it's very difficult to pin them down.
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And a person that's anxious probably over-text. That's kind of annoying too.
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You want somebody that's got a nice, even keel, consistent, and not over the top.
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Let's talk about the art of honest communication, because I'm a big believer
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in honesty and relationships.
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I don't think you should play games. I don't think you should try to manipulate.
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That's kind of an old-school tactic that people would use to reel a man in or
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reel a woman in. They would play games. They would do hot and cold.
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They'd play hard to get. It doesn't work as well anymore. You're going to be
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left with people that are anxious or people that aren't necessarily the person you want to be with.
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When you talk to someone, you need to be clear.
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You need to be calm and kind. You need to be honest.
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You need to tell them exactly how you feel, exactly what you're looking for.
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Don't date someone and tell them you're looking for marriage when all you're
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wanting to do is a hookup, because that's manipulative.
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That's not going to last. It's going to work out very poorly in your favor and theirs.
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But if they expressed interest, then you can express interest back.
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You don't need to get attached right away.
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Interest is just saying, hey, I think you're nice. Maybe we can go out sometime.
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Or if they say, hey, I'd like to take you out. Great.
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If you're a woman, I do feel like it's the man's job, though,
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to take a woman out and schedule the events.
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Men, I think it's time for you to step up and be men again. I think if you're
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going to take a woman out, you need to pay for their meal because a woman does
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a lot to get ready for these dates.
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They're getting their nails done, their hair done, maybe even getting lashes put on.
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They're getting all done up just for you for a date. And I think it's important
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that a man takes a woman out and shows her a good time. If you're going to take
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a woman out, take her out, show her a nice meal, go to a nice place,
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go dancing, maybe whatever your interests are.
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But I do think it's important for a man to schedule. Don't go somewhere like
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a movie on a first date because you're not going to be able to talk to the person.
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I believe that if you express interest, that they will express interest back.
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If they don't, then move on.
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There's no pressure to find a person that's not interested in you.
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Just move on. Okay, so if you share that you're interested and they say,
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oh, I'm kind of interested and not really into you, then just move on.
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Example, for example, if somebody says, I enjoy talking to you,
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I'd like to see where this goes.
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That's a sign of interest. A man, a woman may say, I'm dating intentionally,
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but I let things unfold naturally.
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That's a way to say, hey, I'm looking for more of a long-term thing,
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but I'm going to let it unfold naturally.
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That's not saying, hey, I want to get married right away. I mean,
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come on, ladies, let's be honest. Just to date with intention.
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Being clear and honest is attractive to men.
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Being clear and honest about what your desires and wants and needs are is attractive
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as well. If you date a man and you want a man that makes a lot of money,
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then be clear and honest. If you date a guy that's not making a lot of money,
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then at least he knows he's not a good fit.
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If you're dating a man that you want to have six foot tall, then that's fine.
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Everyone has different desires.
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Everyone has different needs. You should know what those are.
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When you find it, great. If you don't, just keep trying.
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It's like anything. You might have to date a hundred people before you find you're one.
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That's the truth. If you spend your time with the wrong person for too long,
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you'll miss out on opportunities that you might have found the right one.
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So don't date someone just to have someone. Date someone with intention.
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Date someone clearly that you are attracted to and don't date them if you find that you're not.
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When you're ambiguous with people, you're not going to find the person you want.
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So be clear, be honest, and look for exactly what you're looking for.
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Let's talk again about texting.
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Let's text and not scare the people away, okay?
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When you start texting in the early dating stages, I would say that you're not
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texting all day long. You're just texting, hey, have you a great day or
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It's really cute to have a man say in the morning, good morning,
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hope you're having a wonderful day. That's really nice.
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Then sometimes they'll text in the evenings. If you talk to him on the phone, great.
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But you don't need to have more than one to three, one to five text exchanges during the day.
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In fact, honestly, I think a couple, two to three is probably the best.
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You talk to him real quick in the morning and then maybe you talk to him later in the day after work.
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It doesn't have to be a lot. It does need to be consistent though.
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So if a man is starting to early date you and he's not reaching out to you every
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day or every other day, it's probably not a good fit because they're probably
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dating other people and you're just one of the many.
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Man, you need to be consistent for a woman to actually want to give you her
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time. If you're not texting her at least once a day and you're starting to date
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her, she's probably going to lose interest and move on to the next guy as well.
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But consistency is king. Even when you're dating and even when you're like long-term
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dating, be consistent. Consistency is better than intensity, I will say.
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It's more important to say hello and talk a little bit than have a strong intensity.
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Chat with them 15 times a day. It's more important just to be consistent.
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Then match each other's energy. Try not to exceed it.
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Somebody's really happy one day and they text you six or seven times because
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they just won something at work or they got promoted.
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That's okay, but on regular days, let's match each other's energy because matching
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energy matters too. If you're dating someone and they're really low-key and
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they only want to text you once a week and you want to be texted every day,
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it's a sign they're not a great fit.
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All right? Then what should you be texting is a good question next,
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because I think you should be curious about the other person.
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If you're not curious about the other person and trying to ask them questions
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and find out more about them, what are you doing? If you're looking for a relationship
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or marriage or even just a long-term dating partner, you should be curious about the other person.
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You should want to know more about them.
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You should want to know about their family, about their past relationships,
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about who they are as a person, about where they work, about what their hobbies are.
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Be curious. And also show appreciation.
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Like, for instance, every morning they text you and they're super consistent.
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You tell them, hey, I love it when you text me in the morning.
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I really appreciate it. It brightens my day. That's a great thing to say.
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I did text one person back that one time.
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He was very consistent. As soon as I told him I liked it, he stopped doing it.
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That was a sign that he was just playing games. When people play games with me, I just leave.
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I just, I'm done. The more I tell people I like something, if they don't,
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when I show them appreciation, if they don't continue to do it after the appreciation.
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They're just playing games, then I just move on. It shouldn't be too intense.
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You're looking in the beginning just to have like kind of a light emotional presence.
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It doesn't have to be over the top. By all means, people, stop texting nude pictures.
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Do you guys realize how much blackmail is possible when you guys text nude pictures to each other?
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Do you realize, I don't care what age you are, stop texting nude pictures, period.
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It's ridiculous at this point. And no, women don't want to see the size of your long john down there.
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We don't want to see it, so stop texting it. I think a healthy text is something
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like, I appreciate the fact that you texted me earlier, I liked how thoughtful
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you were, or say, tell them if they make you smile or they make you laugh.
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Just be genuine and honest.
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Whatever language you type like
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to use, be genuine and honest without the over-the-top perversion, guys.
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I don't think it's okay to flirt a little bit. It's kind of weird to have people
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like over-the-top talking sexually explicit.
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Text in the very beginning because that just means somebody's looking for a
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hookup. If that's what you're looking for, fine.
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But if not, when you see those over-explicit texts, it's kind of like a see you later.
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The other thing is try not to over-explain. If somebody asks you a question,
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how many kids do you have?
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Try not to over-explain. Just be careful with over-explaining because that's
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more for a phone conversation than in a text message.
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And don't constantly check in. Don't tell them where you're going all day long.
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I just got to the gym. I just got to the hairdresser. I We just got to the grocery store.
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If you're checking in over and over again, it's going to be annoying.
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They have stuff to do too, guys.
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This is early dating. You're not part of their circle yet.
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Just give it some space. And don't do passive-aggressive silence is what I call
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it. It's when people, they get upset about something, so they just ghost you.
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And it might be something you texted that was misconstrued.
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If you get upset about something, just say, Hey, look, I didn't like the way
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you spoke to me in that last text.
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Did you mean this? or, hey, I don't appreciate being spoken to that way.
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Please explain why you said that. That's a way to have proper communication.
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There's been so much lost in proper communication that I don't think people realize it's an art.
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It's an art to communicate with people the right way. Most people have forgotten
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how. When you can't communicate with people, how are you going to communicate in a relationship?
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If you act like throw a temper tantrum early on, we're going to look at you
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as a little child that's just looking for a mommy. Remember,
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texting does matter, and you need to learn how to do it in a more appropriate way.
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One of the things I don't do is I don't ghost people, and I don't lead them on.
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If I'm interested in someone, I'll say, oh, you seem very nice.
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I don't make the first move on dates. If somebody wants to ask me out,
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that's up to you. I might say, I'd love to get to know you more, but I'm not going to say,
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Hey, take me out. If somebody wants to ask me out, they can't. I don't push for that.
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If they want to follow through with plans after I say, hey, I think it'd be
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nice to meet you sometime, great.
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Or I think I'd like to get to know you more, great. That's showing interest
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without scheduling a date. But be kind and brief and honest.
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Don't like over push when you're when you're pushing someone.
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But I would say it's better if you're not interested in someone just to say,
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hey, you know what? It's not a good fit. It's not what I'm looking for right now.
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After dating this one person, we aligned and clicked really well.
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So I decided to not go out on dates with the other people.
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I told him, I said, look, I met someone I align with. I kind of want to see where it goes.
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I ended up canceling the other dates with the other people because when I find
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someone that I align with, I do want to see if I can take it further.
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I don't want to be dating around. Now, if I'm not aligned with anybody and it's
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just kind of so-so, I might go on a date or two with a guy or three dates and
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then see if it's a good match.
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Sometimes it takes a couple dates, two, three dates before you figure out if you align with them.
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Sometimes you find out on the first date. It's not always the first date,
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but sometimes it is. If you align with them, great. If you don't, that's okay.
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Try it again. Maybe go on a second or third date. But when you're dating,
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you can date more than one person when you're doing first, second,
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third dates. I don't recommend sleeping with multiple people, but it's your call.
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But if you're going out on a date with a person on first or second time,
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usually you haven't slept with them yet. You're just kissing them or maybe even
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just hugging. You don't even know where you're at.
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Most people aren't intimate with people until they get, at least especially
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at our age, until they've been dating a person for a while.
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If you're dating and you're dating several people, don't ghost them.
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Just say, hey, look, I found someone else or I'm just not that into you.
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I think you're a great person, but it's not a good match. Most people understand.
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We're adults. We're matured by now. If you're going out with a guy that's not
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mature, then you need to have a better picker, honestly.
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Because if you're taking someone out or going out with somebody that is a little
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on the weird or crazy side, I know you can't determine it all up front,
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but you need to be more selective on your screening process.
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You need to screen better in the beginning so that you're not going on dates
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with people that aren't worth your time.
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If you go on a date and you align, you can just say, I enjoyed meeting you.
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I had a lot of fun, love to do it again sometimes. That's a nice thing to say.
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If you don't align, you just say, I enjoyed meeting you, but I'm not in alignment.
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I'm looking for something different, but I wish you the best.
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I hope for you the best. Now, if they sit there and say, what did I do wrong?
21:38
That's showing you somebody that, you know, won't let it go.
21:41
Just sometimes you just have to say, look, it's just not a good fit and let it go.
21:45
Now, if a person keeps pushing, you do have the right to block them.
21:48
But I always I always let them know it's just not a good fit in the beginning.
21:53
Ghosting out there, though, people.
21:55
You have to realize, or they may have had a great date and you didn't.
21:58
When you ghost someone, you're actually creating emotional damage in the other person.
22:02
You're making them have more boundaries, and it's not fair. It's not right,
22:06
because you wouldn't like to be ghosted either, especially if you really like the person.
22:10
If you really like the person and it's not a good fit, or if they really liked
22:14
you and it wasn't a good fit, just let them know so that you don't lead them
22:17
on. There's no reason to lead people on.
22:20
There's no reason to be abusive to people's emotions. It's not a game.
22:24
Let's be nice and kind to each other, even when we're not interested, okay?
22:28
Because you never know. You might be friends with the person in the future.
22:31
You might end up working with them in the same company. You never know where
22:35
you're going to run into the person.
22:36
If you ghost them, you're creating a really bad reputation for yourself,
22:39
and you're creating a lot of animosity towards you and a lot of negative energy
22:44
towards you. I don't think that's a good thing to do.
22:46
Having closure, even in a dating situation, it shows emotional maturity.
22:51
So if you can give someone closure and say, look it just wasn't a
22:54
good fit instead of ghosting them come on don't ghost
22:57
people it's so ridiculous at this point it's like
23:00
you lead them on and then you just shut down and that's just so
23:03
cruel stop being cruel to each other stop ghosting each other if you don't like
23:07
them just tell them it shows a level of integrity and self-respect if you can
23:12
actually tell someone hey look it's just not a good fit i don't care if you've
23:15
gone on 10 dates with them if it's not a good fit just be honest and tell them.
23:20
Even if you're dating someone for six months or a year, just tell them. It's not a good fit.
23:25
You don't have to be in any relationship you don't want to be in. And that's the truth.
23:30
We are, most of us have either had a marriage or gotten divorced or lost a spouse.
23:36
And we've been through this before.
23:37
So there's no reason if you're dating in your 40s, 50s, 60s, in order to
23:42
for you to ghost anyone. I've seen it so many times by both men and women, and it's ridiculous.
23:48
It's ridiculous. Anybody that ghosts me, if they come back a week or two later
23:52
and want to ask me, I'm just like, no.
23:54
I'm like, I'm not interested because you already showed me who you were as a
23:57
person. You showed me your true character by ghosting me the first time. I'm not interested.
24:02
Ghosting is kind of a version of game playing. It destroys all hopes of future
24:07
relationships or love or intimacy, because nobody wants to be ghosted.
24:12
And if you don't want to be ghosted, I'm always a big believer of the golden
24:15
rule, stop ghosting other people.
24:18
Do unto others as you would have done unto you. I know there's a push-pull dynamic,
24:23
but it can be exhausting to secure people.
24:26
I think if you're just honest, and now I tend to be a person that texts back,
24:31
I don't know, within five, ten minutes.
24:33
Somebody texts me, I just text them back. If somebody says good morning,
24:37
and I'll text back, good morning. I don't need to wait till noon.
24:40
But I don't like the push-pull dynamic because I'm a pretty secure person.
24:44
I don't want to deal with the gameplay.
24:46
If somebody texts me, I text them back. The only time I don't is if I'm in a
24:49
meeting or in an appointment or...
24:51
I do that with everyone, friends, family, relationships. I'm not going to play games.
24:56
I find that people that play games with me, they just, they're emotionally immature.
25:00
And I don't want to deal with emotionally immature people.
25:02
Sometimes people do it to test the other person to see how much they're into
25:06
them. The problem is, is that creates a lot of resentment.
25:10
You're creating gameplay and resentment in a relationship that you're trying to build trust in.
25:14
How can you build trust when you're playing games? It doesn't work.
25:18
Power games, it blocks trust, it blocks safety, it blocks intimacy.
25:22
It changes the feeling of a relationship. These games, you may think you've
25:27
got the upper hand, but why would you want the upper hand? Because a relationship
25:32
is supposed to be more of a partnership.
25:33
It's supposed to be two people coming together and aligning.
25:36
When you're playing games, you're not creating a partnership.
25:38
You're creating animosity. You're creating resentment.
25:41
You're exhausting anyone that has a secure attachment style.
25:44
Those are the people you want to be attached to, not the ones that are anxious,
25:48
not the ones that have avoidant issues.
25:51
Remember that. You don't win love by pretending that you don't care.
25:55
If you're showing someone a lack of caring, thinking that I'm playing a game
26:00
here to see if they'll come back, whether it's a guy or a girl,
26:03
if you pretend you don't care, most people say goodbye and walk away.
26:07
There's too many fish in the sea now, people.
26:09
It's not like it was 30, 40 years ago when there wasn't anybody online.
26:14
It's not like that anymore. Now, if you show that you don't care, people just walk away.
26:19
They're like, fine, I'll go find somebody that does care for me,
26:22
that does match my energy, that does match my alignment, that does show me care and consideration.
26:27
Because that's what we're all looking for. Care and consideration.
26:31
We want somebody to align with us. We want somebody to match our energy, match our vibe.
26:35
And if the people out there aren't, it's not a good match. So when we communicate,
26:39
you want to not lead people on.
26:42
You don't want to lose yourself in the communication either. There's a balance.
26:45
All right. So I know when I was dating a lot of people, it was a lot of work.
26:50
I mean, when you're dating multiple people, you're going to find that it's a challenge.
26:55
When you date multiple people, you have to keep up with multiple streams of communication.
26:59
So hopefully you can get it narrowed down quickly because I really don't like
27:03
dating more than two or three people in a given week.
27:06
But if you're showing interest, that doesn't create obligations.
27:10
There's a balance. If you have boundaries, it doesn't mean you're rejecting
27:13
someone. It just means you're protecting yourself in ways you need to.
27:18
And if you're attracted to someone, that doesn't mean you're always available for them either.
27:22
Just because there's attraction doesn't mean that you have to be at their beck and call.
27:27
So there's a balance. And I think as mature adults, we realize that there's
27:31
a balance. People have work obligations.
27:33
They have family obligations. They may have children.
27:35
They may have exes they have to deal with. They may have friends that they have
27:38
obligations with. Remember, there's a balance in all.
27:41
You can enjoy someone without promising a future to them. You can enjoy spending
27:46
time with someone. You can enjoy a relationship.
27:49
You don't have to move as quickly as they do. You move at your own pace because
27:53
you don't owe access to anyone. Just because they like you, you only help yourself.
27:58
The truth. If you like them, great. If you don't, then if you're wanting to
28:02
spend time with them to see if it develops, fine.
28:04
If you don't like them, it's probably best you move on. But things move at different
28:09
paces for different people.
28:10
And remember that some people fall in love faster than others,
28:13
but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to keep someone interested in you ever, ever, ever, ever.
28:19
Never give up your work, never give up your home, never give up your schedule.
28:24
Never give up your workouts just because someone's interested in you.
28:27
Keep your schedule going and add them.
28:30
If you don't have time to add them, maybe it's not the right time to be dating
28:33
them to your schedule. Add them to your life because dating should be calm, not chaotic.
28:38
It should not create a sense of chaos. If it is,
28:42
it's probably not the right fit. Because when you date the right person,
28:46
they should give you a sense of calm, a sense of peace, a sense of freedom, a sense of joy.
28:50
It shouldn't be chaotic. But if it's familiar, that's a good sign as well.
28:55
Because if it's a confusing dating situation, meaning if they're not texting
28:59
or ghosting you or mippling playing or game playing, that's confusing and that
29:03
is kind of a turnoff for people that are looking to find a soulmate.
29:06
Because a soulmate is calm. A soulmate feels familiar.
29:09
I always say a soulmate feels like home. It feels peaceful. It feels like you've known them forever.
29:14
When you spend time together, time seems to stop. You could spend four hours
29:18
together and it feels like 30 minutes.
29:20
You might feel like a kid again, like a teenager.
29:23
Everything's playful and fun again. They will definitely make you feel safe.
29:26
They will not be putting on a performance. They will not be baking.
29:30
They will make you feel safe. But you can only match with a soulmate if you're
29:34
honest, open, and trusting of other people as well.
29:37
But to find a soulmate, and that's what I think we're all looking for.
29:41
You have to be honest in your communication.
29:43
You have to text with honesty. You have to look for with intention if you're looking for a soulmate.
29:50
When you align with someone, it's going to have to have mutual effort.
29:54
I call it the art of reciprocity. If someone is giving me reciprocal attention and a reciprocal of
30:01
care and consideration. That's a good long way to finding a soulmate because
30:06
a soulmate you want to align with.
30:08
You want there to be emotional ease and you want it to feel natural and consistent.
30:14
Every single day, it shouldn't be a struggle. It should be easy.
30:17
It shouldn't be hard. It does help if you have shared values.
30:20
If you have shared values, it's much more likely that this could be a soulmate
30:26
or someone that you're going to have long term in your life.
30:28
So remember, shared values, You're emotionally relaxed. You feel peaceful.
30:34
And a soulmate doesn't make you anxious. It doesn't make you avoidant.
30:39
A secure soulmate is going to make you feel calm, make you feel peaceful.
30:43
It's going to make you feel joy on a daily basis.
30:46
Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes the person you think is not going
30:50
to be a good match or was just going to be a friend ends up being a soulmate. It very well may happen.
30:56
Now, just because they're a soulmate doesn't mean you stay together forever.
30:59
Sometimes soulmates come in and out of your lives.
31:02
You never know until you develop that relationship.
31:05
You just never know. I think what people are looking for in dating is it's not perfection.
31:10
It's not the thrill of the ups and downs, especially when you get a little bit older and more mature.
31:16
And it's really not their status. It's more emotional safety,
31:20
consistency, care, lovingness.
31:22
It's also nice to be chosen without feeling like you're constantly competing
31:26
with other people I will say that part of the reason why I stopped dating other
31:30
people when I when I found the guy was dating that I liked.
31:34
Was because I didn't want him to feel like he was still competing with other people.
31:37
I wanted him to be open and show me who he was so I could decide whether or
31:42
not he would be a good long-term fit.
31:43
You can always go back to other people. If you were honest and said,
31:47
look, I just met somebody I really like, I don't know, or I'm going to see where
31:52
it's good. I would say I'm going to see where it goes.
31:54
I want to see how it fits. I'll let you know if it doesn't work out,
31:57
but right now I'm going to focus on this. People respect that.
32:01
People, when they see that, they respect that. they're okay with allowing you
32:06
to come back in the future potentially.
32:09
Let's say it doesn't work out with the guy that you're dating and you want to
32:12
go back to one of the people you dated before.
32:13
If you just say, look, it didn't work out with the other guy, are you still single?
32:17
They might still want to go on a date with you. But if you ghost them, there's no way.
32:21
There's no way because you basically, you take away that sense of honesty and
32:27
trust that you're so trying to build when you first start dating someone.
32:29
It's hard to build trust with people that have been hurt in the past.
32:33
So when you're trying to build trust, you've got to be honest and open and ethical.
32:38
It is nice to feel seen, respected, and desired as well.
32:42
So the more you can do that for your partner and the more they can do that for
32:45
you, the more secure you're going to feel in your relationship.
32:48
Even in the very beginning, peace plus passion creates a crazy connection that
32:55
you're going to find with someone.
32:57
When you find those connections, you're going to be like, Wow,
32:59
I was missing this before. How is that even possible?
33:03
Not everyone is right for everyone else. Like, for instance,
33:07
you may like a person that holds your hand.
33:09
Other people may like it not to hold hands in public. They are embarrassed by
33:13
it. You may like a person that walks up and gives you a kiss every time you see them.
33:17
Other people aren't like that. It depends on what you're looking for.
33:20
That's why it's so important to align.
33:24
Alignment is so amazing.
33:26
Alignment not just sexually, but
33:28
alignment with communication because it's going to make you feel secure.
33:33
So if they text you and you text them back and then they text you again,
33:36
you text them back and there's a consistent communication, you're going to feel
33:39
more secure in a relationship.
33:41
If they text you and you don't text back till the end of the day,
33:44
every day, or you wait three or four hours, you're going to create insecurity
33:48
in the relationship, which you may think is a gameplay, but over time,
33:52
it will really break down that relationship.
33:54
I think that people also appreciate effort. And when people do give an effort
33:59
in your relationship, you should state it out loud. You should thank them.
34:04
Thank them for what they've done for you and address any issues that you have
34:08
early on. Talk to people.
34:10
I mean, come on, communication, we really need to develop as a skill set.
34:15
The calmer you can be when you communicate with people and tell them your concerns,
34:18
and the earlier you do it, the less likely it is to develop into a full-blown
34:22
fight or to have an issue later on.
34:25
So if somebody does something that hurts your feelings or rubs you the wrong
34:29
way because your boundaries are up or whatever, just tell the person,
34:33
say, hey, look, this really annoyed me or this hurt my feelings or I didn't feel good about this.
34:38
And when you tell them, it's a good thing to do, because that way they realize
34:42
that maybe they shouldn't do it.
34:43
Now, if they keep doing it over and over and over again, that's kind of a sign
34:47
that maybe they're not the right fit.
34:49
Don't ignore it when people violate your boundaries. But when they do,
34:53
sometimes they don't know.
34:54
If, for instance, you want a guy that helps you to assemble things,
34:58
but you don't tell him to help you, how is he going to know?
35:00
Because sometimes people at Women are like, oh, he should know better.
35:03
No, not all men do. So sometimes they need a little help. Now,
35:07
if you tell them over and over again and they're not getting it,
35:10
that's a sign that they just don't really care.
35:12
But if you tell them once or twice and they get it and they help out, that's a good way to go.
35:16
But don't introduce fear into your relationship by playing games. And that's all it does.
35:22
It creates insecurity where there doesn't need to be insecurity.
35:25
And the newer the relationship, the more insecurity that both people will have.
35:30
There's always going to be a little bit of insecurity in a new relationship.
35:33
So why do you want to add to it? There's no purpose in adding to it.
35:38
Don't create a problem where peace should be existing, where safety should be.
35:43
If you're creating problems and creating issues in your relationship just to
35:48
see if you can have the upper hand or be more powerful, you're not creating
35:52
a partnership. You're creating a dominance, which will cause the relationship
35:56
to end eventually anyway.
35:58
But in general, and just kind of to wrap this up, love is not confusing.
36:02
When you know all those sayings, it's kind of true.
36:05
When you align, you'll know, and it'll feel different than all the others.
36:09
You don't need a strategy. You just need to trust yourself that you can interpret
36:13
and find your right person.
36:15
Because the right person will respond authentically.
36:18
They're not going to have games. They're not going to have tactics.
36:20
They're not going to ghost you.
36:21
They're going to be loyal, they're going to be loving, and they're going to be into you.
36:24
But you're going to have to do some reflection on how you communicate and what
36:27
you're looking for. Don't do anything out of fear.
36:30
If you're fearful, maybe it's time to do some inner work on you.
36:33
Don't be creating fear in your relationship or have any habits around fear because
36:38
clarity in your relationship is super important, and clarity is more important
36:43
than fear, it's more important than control.
36:45
I would say the more honest you can be in a relationship, the more loving you
36:49
can be in a relationship. And the more you can communicate on a consistent basis,
36:53
the more likely you're going to have good dating partners.
36:56
Not everybody's going to align with you, and that's okay. But when you find
37:00
the one that does, I hope that you stick with them.
37:02
This is Diva Mia signing off. You guys have a wonderful day, and happy holidays.
37:09
Thanks for tuning in. Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from you.
37:15
Visit the divadetails.com to connect. See you next week for more.
37:29
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37:50
Podcasts are researched and accurate to the best of our knowledge at the time
37:52
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37:53
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37:55
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37:57
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37:59
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38:01
be considered professional advice.