Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / I Choose...Presence, Not Perfection with Gabby Reece

Transcript

I Choose...Presence, Not Perfection with Gabby Reece · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: Hey everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: about choices, the big ones, the small ones, the impactful ones,
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: and how they mold us and shape us into the
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: people we become. My guest today is a celebrated former
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: professional volleyball player, a mother and a wife, and a
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: badass businesswoman. The first female athlete to ever design a
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: shoe for Nike.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: You guys, that's huge.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: This woman is also a model, having grace the covers
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: of Sports Illustrated, for Women, Vogue, and so much more.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: She is a television host, a New York Times bestselling author,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and now the host of her very own podcast. She
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: also co founded with her husband a performance lifestyle system
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: focused on breath called XPT and Layered Superfood. Our laws
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: are weirdly paralleling. I can't wait to talk to her
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: about relationships, about motherhood, letting your kids graduate and fly
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: out of the nest, business. I want to know what
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: it's like to be a professional athlete. I'm so excited
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: for this conversation. Please welcome Gabby Reese.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: To the podcast. Okay, first of all, how are you?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Because I know that both of our youngest just graduated
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: from high school, like our babies.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm good.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: How was the experience for you? Like I was all
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: over the place with feelings and memories and all the things.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's always bittersweet, right, And for me
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: to act like there isn't that element because it's also
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: the reflection of time, time passing, where I'm at in
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: my own how much runway I have left all of
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: these things. So I think it's a it's an accumulation
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: of things. But I'm definitely a person who scans. I
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: try to be as present as possible, but I'm a
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: definite scanner of the future landscape. So of course I'm
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: not surprised. You know, it's like she's in tenth grade,
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: now she's in eleventh, right, then.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Goes to twelfth.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: Yes, So there's a part of me that I'm like,
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: this is the honor of being able to make it
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: to this stage because I have friends and not getting
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: you know, two morbid that have had children that passed.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: And so I think what I've learned is it's even
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: like getting older, is that realization of oh yes, and
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: this with its own hardships is actually you're still have
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: a gift, which is that you're here and that they
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: did graduate and that they will be living their lives.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: So I tend to look at it that way. But
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: also I have slowly packed more things onto my own
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: life so that there was momentum and places for me
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: to put my energy in focus.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, otherwise you'd just be standing there going what do
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I do now?
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: You actually have three daughters just like me.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: Yes, my oldest is my stepdaughter, and that's not to
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: differentiate her, but it's to say that her mom. She
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: has a great mom. So my full time were two
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: girls at home, and then she was my only kid
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: for eight years. The oldest who's going to be thirty?
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Wow, what a bond? What the oldest?
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was interesting, and it's interesting when kids go
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: through things as adults, right, that's fascinating when people go, oh,
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: teenagers and I go, oh, yeah, wait till they're in
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: their twenties and all of a sudden they're going through
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: their own struggles or in her case, maybe she took
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: a sort of a separation. You know. I think a
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: lot of us do that. Where we go. I would
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: like to live my life more quietly without the input
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: of my family and sort of allowing that space. It's
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: really interesting.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is, like I say, sometimes like I'd rather
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: go back to my girls being in diapers and toddling
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: around because that kind of parenting for me was so
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: natural and so easy, and I just loved every second
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: of it. And then they grow up and then they
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: become young women and everything shifts. There's like, now they
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: are they have all these emotional needs and they need
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: advice on like big things in life. And sometimes it's
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: just harder for me with the grown up girls now.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's a hard time.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: It's a hard time on top of it to be
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: breaking out on your own. Yeah.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: The world woman confusing, and I think that it's also
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: hard for us to put ourselves in their place. We
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: can remember being that age, but we're not navigating what
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: they're navigating. We didn't navigate they what they are navigating.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: So when I say, say my kid has just gone
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: out for the night or wants to go out to
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: whatever club to dance or whatever, I say, oh no, no, no,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: no no, because I recently, I mean, you know, thirty
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: or forty years ago, did that and I know what
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: it's like. But I can't say that anymore. I actually
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: don't know what it's like being out there as a
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: young woman.
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: I have a very specific philosophy on this, and it's
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: only because it got beat into me, not because I
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: arrived at it gracefully. Is I've always actually encouraged my
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: girls if they want to go out. For example, I'll
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: use my youngest daughter as an example. She graduated at seventeen.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: She won't even be eighteen until next year, so she's
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: a younger kid for her grade. But my thing was,
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: get it all out of your system, kinda while you're
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: under my roof, because I'm here and your dad's here,
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: and we can be here even if it's weird, because
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: if they're prone to do, let's all them naughty things.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Just experiment.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: Correct. I'd rather it's not the first time out in
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: college and who's looking after you, and so it's for
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: them to I almost want them to drive fast, but
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: when I'm around in the car still, because then what
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: I have seen is that they understand the way the
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: world is, they don't have quite an itch for it,
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: and then maybe they don't have to be so extreme.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: So if they were going to experiment, maybe they don't
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: have to just lose their minds because it's the first
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: taste of freedom, and you know, in the moment, it's
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: always scary. Like I let my now seventeen year old
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: go to Europe with her friends in her after her
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: sophomore year and after her junior year to Europe with
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: her friends, and yeah, were they in France, probably having
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: you know, alcohol and other things because that was their choice,
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: I know, for real, Yeah, and you know, short skirts
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: and the whole nine yards. But then it's like, yeah,
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: but I'm still here and looking after you, and so
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: is your dad, and it doesn't mean to stop you,
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: but it means to be the set of people that
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: are really unconditionally looking out for you. And so in
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: the moment, it's it's more scary, you know, sleepless nights,
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: like okay, they got home at what time? But I
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: feel like with girls, especially because I always joke with
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: my husband, who is obviously not a girl, don't make
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: good liars. Girls are very conniving and shifty, and I
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: certainly was.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You were too well. I was a really good liar
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: of women.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: I mean, people don't like it, but I think one
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: of our skills, not one of our good skills, is
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: I think we can really be deceptive much more than
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: men overall. I mean, obviously are there you know worst,
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: you know, the worst males and the worst of course,
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: but I'm saying in general, teenage girls are It's a
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: different breed. And so even like the walking out of
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: the house with the outfit on. I used to say
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: to Laird, no, be happy that that's the outfit, because
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: if that's not the outfit, it's the one in the purse.
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: So keep a beat on what's going on. And that
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: doesn't mean that there aren't times where you go, hey, no,
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: or that skirts ridiculous, But when you say it, there's
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: a little gravity because there is that room to express yourself.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: You know, that's great advice. Would you say that's the advice?
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: That's more advice for parenting? What's the advice you send
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: your girls out into the world with.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: I don't. I just try to be an example. They
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: know my values and how I conduct myself and how
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: I treat myself and my body. And I always say
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: to them though, like what are you selling? And when
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: you walk out of the house in a certain outfit,
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: and my girls I have smart girls. I'm like, understand
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: the what you're selling is how you look, and this
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: with this get up, what you say you're worth is
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: is this. But I also remember going through puberty and
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: being like, oh, new body. We'll call it the new car,
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: and you know, like people are looking at my car
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: and noticing my car. And I think young women need
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: to go through that process, hopefully safely, where they start
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: to understand who they are as young women and what
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: that is and the appropriate place when you know when
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: to use those things.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Recognize that power.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And so it was sort of like be a
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: said fast example, occasionally you know, maybe talk about it
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: not to death because I think then they tune you out.
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: And I've also I also will ask permission, like hey,
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: can I say something? And then because if I see
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: it the cart, because I have seen the carts all
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: of them go off the tracks, I can see it coming,
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: I can feel it coming, I'm watching it, and so
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: then I might accelerate some of the things I'm trying
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: to say.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, like we said, it's so tricky out there.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: So what do you think your life with laired is
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: going to be like? As an emptiness?
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, so I heard a great term, not empty nest, open.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Nest openness exactly. Yeah, because it's never it's never empty.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: It isn't And in this group, again going back to
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: it's a lot harder, I think you'll see sometimes a
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: lot of times kids rebounding back home because it is
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: expensive to go out on your own. And we could
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: do it, you know, when we were younger, and now
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: I think it's it's a lot harder, and they're assaulted
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: all the time with information and stimulation and all these things.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: So you know, luckily Laird and I have worked or
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: made a pretty conscious effort to keep our relationship alive
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: and dynamic between us as who we are today, not
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: when we met and had kids and all of a
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: sudden we looked up and here we are twenty years
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: later and like, who the hell are you? So we
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: have a dynamic relationship, and I'm also looking forward to
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: I've said this where it's like I'm ready to take
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: my foot off the break now with my my own work,
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: because I realized I always have my foot on the gas,
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: but I also have my foot on the brake, and
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: so now part of that is with layered and part
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: of that is just for.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Me right, and that feels so good.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: It does. And I don't know if you've experienced this.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: I get tired of worrying about everybody else. I'm tired
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: of that, like it's never going to go away. But
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: there's a part of me that's like I call it
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: parental fatigue, where you're just like the nights you haven't slept,
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: the nights you're worried about this one and that one.
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: And now, of course they're always in my hearts and
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: I'm always concerned about them, But part of it is
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: going to also shift.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Is there something that you said shift? Things sort of
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: shift and we start to maybe learn lessons from our kids.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I know, for me, my girls have definitely been very
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: gently and kindly teaching me to let go, you know,
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: and and establish them as their own individuals. And it
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: was definitely challenging for me because they're just my baby
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: birds and I want to keep them so close and
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: I want to help them with everything, and I want
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: to be their number one call, you know, but you
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: have to let go, and that that for me has
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: been really hard of you have your girls taught you
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: any like great lesson about momming moving forward?
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Well, my girls are definitely nothing gentle about them.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Oh, no, I like that girls. Yeah.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: Well, and just even when they do radical stuff, they
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: don't they don't you know, make little mistakes. They just
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: you know, break shit like they're They're very much like
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Laird and I non compliant. And if I'm going to
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: miss make a mistake, oh yeah, I watch this one.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: And so I have been tempered greatly. And you know,
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: people talk about faith or acceptance, uh not living in
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: what can happen, And what they have shown me is, yes,
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: it lurks, the shadow of worry will lurk, but I
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: realize it's really of no use. And so I have
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: tried my best and I fail, but to be disciplined
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: in I'm not going to worry about it until I
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: have something to worry about, because I don't want to
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: live in that state. It's not even productive. And you
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: can do that in your life. So I'm just trying
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: to expand that idea to parenting harder. But I realize,
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: me worrying is doing what good.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Just giving us wrinkles and lost sleep, yeah.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: And more annoying. And then our antenna, our vibration is
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: you know, kind of scratchy and helter skelter. And I'm
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: not calling in the things that I really want in
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: my life. And so I just feel like they have
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: really shown me that I'm not in charge and I
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: am here to love them. I can throw down boundaries,
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: I can put up some rules, but ultimately, when they
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: talk about having faith, if I say, oh, I have faith,
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: these are the moments that I get to practice that
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: and say, hey, there is a plan for their life.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: I don't see it. It worries me, and yes, I
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: have the faith to let them go absolutely.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Then that faith really gets tested and I think, oh,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: my gosh, am I an idiot to have faith? My
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: daughter was just in Las Vegas and she got home
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: and then the news came out that there was a
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: shooting in the exact restaurant she had been in, at
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: the Bellaggio, And those are the moments where you're like, Okay,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: that faith is really working. I'm so grateful and like
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: you just I don't even know how to express my
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: gratitude in knowing that she's protected somehow, you know, magically.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: And sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're not, and we weren't
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: and we're here and we made it. Yeah, and it's listen,
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: it's called being a parent. That's I think really what
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: it is. And that's why all parents laugh at their
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: teenagers that have all the answers and know everything, because
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: in your mind you think, huh, yeah, wait to see have.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: You ever pulled out the uh? You'll see what it's
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: like when you have your own children.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: Not too much what I have done, because my girls
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: would scoff at me. For sure if I said.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: That, yeah it didn't go well for you, Yeah.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: They'd scoff at me. It might. You know. Sometimes if
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: I know I'm not getting through but it feels really important,
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: I'll say can you please look at me? And I go,
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: can you consider yourself warned? And they're like yes, I go, okay,
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: can you say that to me? You consider yourself warned?
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: And then that's all.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: Eat.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: What am I going to do? When I have a
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: club every day with the same whiny nagging, It's like,
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: look at me, I'm saying something. If I speak really
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: as seldom as I can control myself, can you understand that?
• 16:11
  Speaker 3: Because I believe this is important information for you.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: So it's so beneficial not to be that nagging mom
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: that hover.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Everybody's different, Yeah, everybody has to do it how they
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: do it. One thing I have learned. There's sort of
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: universal principles to a lot of things in life, but
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: when it comes to parenting, it's like moms know their kids,
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: they know the dynamic, they know themselves, their cellular download.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: It's like a million variables. So I think everybody has
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: to do it the way they have to do it.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: So true, I guess, yeah, because there's no one way
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to get through it.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: No, and we're all so different, and so maybe one
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: kid something works and another kid it doesn't, and for
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: one parent it works. It's just it's that dance.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you got to figure out that dance before. Oh
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: my god, it's really.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: Hard to figure out. By the time my youngest is
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: twenty five, I'm like, wait a second, I have an
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: idea about how to parent, right. Yeah.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Well, marriage is hard. I know. I've had a couple
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: of them.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Oh good, congratulations, thank you. Yeah.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: It's one of the things though I admire about you
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: is that you and your husband Laird, who is a
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: pro surfer, like beyond right. So that's one thing. But
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you guys have been married for twenty seven years.
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we've been married a long time.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, that is congratulations.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: First of all. Oh, well, I listen. I'd like to
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: say that we're so smart. I think we got really
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: fortunate that we found each other and we made it
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: through a couple rough patches. And I really now that
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: i've been with laired this year, I will have been
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: with Laird for thirty years, I realized again, we're not
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: that smart, and he's a gift to me, you know,
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: he I was lucky or fortunate in it. You know.
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: That's another thing about marriage I say, is there's a
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: lot of ways that what success looks like could be
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: ten years, could be five, could be you know, till
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: someone passes away. And so I never think the success
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: of a marriage is like you stayed together and that
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: was that. It's like, hey, we did this for this time,
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: we learned these things, whatever it is. And so I
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: just think, for whatever reason, at least for today, Larry
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: and I we can dance pretty good.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: I love that you've both been open about how giving
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: each other space and freedom has been integral in the
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: success of your relationship. How do you keep your sense
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: of identity? You're a mom to three girls, that's a lot.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: You are a wife and you have a partner, and
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: you're also your own individual, like how do you keep
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: your individuality? How do you not get in the life
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: by the process exactly.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: Being all these things for other people?
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all thats.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: I had a pretty robust sense of self at twenty five,
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: and that's the age I met Laired, So I think
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: that was helpful. I had some momentum about like what
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: I liked and what I liked to do, and I
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: had a career and I made my own living and
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: things like that. But what I will say is that
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: it's pretty hard to do. But it's something that in
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: these couple spaces I'm ruthless about, which means no matter what.
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: And it's such an interesting dance because as I get older,
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: I'm actually trying to lose identity, right, I'm trying not
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: to be defined by my roles. I'm trying not to
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: be like my ego and I do this and this
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: is who I am. And you know, all these labels
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: and titles, you know, like oh, actress or athlete or whatever.
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: The things are so simultaneously of trying to be more
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: holy and fully who I am within my sense of
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: self as a human being, I'm trying to offload being
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: attached to well, this is what I do and I'm
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: that mother and I'm his wife. So it's this weird
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: thing of doing both a lot and stripping down to
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: like I guess, for lack of a better word, your essence,
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: and not allowing other people, including Laird or my daughters,
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: to infringe so deeply on me that I lose that.
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: So I guess a little bit of selfishness is maybe
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: what it comes down to. I mean, I talk a
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: lot about choosing yourself. I choose me.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I want women to choose themselves. It's like everything I'm
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: all about. And there are oftentimes when I come up
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: on that word, that selfish word, and there are some
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: people that are just really uncomfortable choosing themselves or allowing
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: themselves to choose themselves, and they see it as an
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: act of selfishness. How do you feel about that.
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: I think it's your duty. I really think it's your
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: your it's your obligation to yourself and to the life
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: that you're here to live. And luckily I can understand
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: where a lot of people don't get this idea that
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: it's okay, because think about when you're a young woman,
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: especially to be nice. Right my least probably my least
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: favorite word I'd switch out. I'd swap out and put
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: kind for nice all day long. Oh well that's not nice,
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: and don't say that that's not nice, that's not nice acting.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: So we've wrapped up, I think more so than men
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: as women that to be a good person, which I
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: think most of us are hoping to try to be
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: that we have to be nice or we have to
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: please people. And coming I think from sport, you sort
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: of learn all other gears and languages, which is like, hey,
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: part of this isn't personal. So if you and I
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: are playing against each other, it's like my goal and
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: your goal is to win. Someone's not going to be happy.
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: So I don't like it has nothing to do with
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: how I feel about you or how I am as
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: a human being. It's like, this is what I'm doing.
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: And so if a woman's in the workplace and she
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: is in the position where maybe she's the boss, part
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: of that job is going to probably make people feel
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable or they're not going to like you because you're
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: going to say, hey, here is the standard at our business.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: This is what we're doing. So I would just encourage
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: people to not farm that out some to the world,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: to say well, I'm just going to do what I'm told.
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: So I'll go to school, maybe I'll meet somebody that
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: i'll get married, maybe i'll have a kid, whatever that is,
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: and then I'm going to be somehow pissed that I
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: did what I was told and then I got left
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: behind and everybody's still doing their thing, but what about me?
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: And so within it. That's why I'm such an advocate
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: of taking care of yourself because I think it makes
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: holding that space for yourself a little easier because you
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: feel a little better, your mind's a little more clear,
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: and you can go, yeah, that's not going to work
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: for me, and you do these tweaks all along the way.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: But it isn't easy. Listen, there's days I do feel
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: swallowed up by my schedule and my family and my work.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: But I course correct really quickly because I know in
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: the long run, it's not only going to be better
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: for everybody, but guess who also it's going to be
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: better for me. That's right, and that's on us because
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: I think with women sometimes too, we take on this
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: like very caregiver thing, which is great, but it can
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: easily turn to victimhood, which I think should we should
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: definitely try.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: To avoid what do you mean by victimhood?
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Well, because then it's not fair. And then theyre he's
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: playing golf this weekend, and they laughed, and I did
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: the thing. It's like, listen, if we get ourselves in
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: those situations, even if we were well intended, it's still
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: on us.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: You got yourself there.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I know, it's like a really brutal
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: thing because you're doing again, you're following the rules, you're
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: being of service, you're doing all these things that you
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: think are the right thing. And then somehow fast forward
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: a few years and when you really listen to how
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: you speak or you're vernacular, sometimes it's connected to victimhood.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: And one thing I am really intense about is I
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: am not here to be the victim of any relationship
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: or my story. And shit's unfair everywhere, and that is true,
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: and that's just kind of the way it is. But
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: it's like that for men, it's like that for everybody.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: We just sometimes don't realize it because they speak up,
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: I want to go do this, it's going to be
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: fun for me, or da da da da da, And
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: the fact that they don't have biological responsibility of being
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: pregnant and giving birth and nursing and trying to juggle
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: all that. Their brain doesn't work the same way, so
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: they have a different story than we do most times.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's just a different vocabulary, it's a
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: different it's a different brain.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we all we live in a world where everybody's
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: trying to make everybody the same. And one thing that
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: I have learned through being in movement, fitness, wellness, whatever
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: the terms are now, there is certain biology that if
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: I can understand my biology where it's working for me,
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: maybe where it's not like, for example, advocating for myself
• 25:22
  Speaker 3: or rocking the boat is actually typically for women less biological.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: So I have to learn. Oh I don't have that skill.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: That doesn't come as easy for me. So I'm going
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: to develop it. I'm going to try it. It's going
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: to be uncomfortable. I'm going to piss some people off.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: It's worth it. It's always worth it. You speak in your
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: book about how you thought that you had to suck
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: it up when it came to your relationship and someone
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: usually your spouse, is being an ass. Yeah, and you
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: you said that you probably I learned that from being
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: an athlete, and coming up in that world. I am
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: not an athlete, and that's one of the things that
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: I've done too. I stopped speaking up and I didn't
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: want to rock the boat, like you just said, peace.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: Can you tell me what you've learned about communication in
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: a relationship?
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: Yes, you know, listen, it takes courage. The courage I
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: didn't have because also, what was tricky about let's say
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: my dynamic is I was very stoic. So it could
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: be perceived as strength, but it was really a fear
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: of being able to make like I didn't want to
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: deal with, like if there was going to be a
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: hassle or I was going to show my vulnerability of
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: what I really wanted and needed. So there was a
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: couple things wrapped up so it looked quite strong, but
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: it was really me just being like, oh, and what
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: I have learned is because I got myself into some
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable situations by not speaking up, was I'd rather deal
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: with ten minutes, thirty minutes, a couple of hours of
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: conflict doesn't have to be radical, right. It's also how
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: you present You know, you can say to somebody it's
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: not an attack on you. I just got to share
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: my feelings. So sometimes people have to realize you can
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: be in a relationship and the other person is not
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: wrong because you have feelings about something that you don't like.
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: And so I think learning those two things together more direct,
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: but also learning how to position things and say it
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: in a way that I'm not coming here to attack you.
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: I'm coming here to share with you, but I'm doing
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: it in a way that's also maybe in a language
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: you're going to understand. So typically I do it sooner
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: than later, so I'm not hysterical.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: Because that like, it doesn't fester, because that's.
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: What happens, right, We flip our lids and we finally
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: say it, and then the other person's like, WHOA can't
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: handle that. It's just like I don't even know what
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: this is or where this is coming from. So but
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: sometimes that harsh because I do that and I'll say
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: it like really direct, and I can see for a
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: second Lair's eyebrows kind of go oh because they're not
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: used to that either, Right, So it's this funny thing
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: where you kind of got to pick a side and
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: deal with it. Now, if someone has to talk to
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: their partner, what I would say that is quite nice
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: is you could go for a walk. They even talk
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: about it with teenagers. You don't have to always be
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: face to face. You could be walking side by side
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: and just say, hey, you know, i've been going through
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: this or I've been thinking about this and I just
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: want to share it with you and see where it goes.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: And usually we don't give them enough credit that they
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: could they could work with us.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: On a lot of this, right we assume. I think
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I probably assumed younger younger me that this is going
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: to make a big thing and he's going to be
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: defensive or he's not going to see it the way
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I see it. But I haven't even talked about it
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: to him.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I almost got divorced for that because I didn't
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: say anything, didn't say anything, didn't say anything, and then
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: I left, and then that created a whole other set
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: of complications and then I'll never forget. And I've shared
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: this before because Laird is like the best person to
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: say uncomfortable things too, no problem. He could be like,
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: oh okay, like he can think about his job. Yeah, no,
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: it's stressful, it feels threatening. He's totally calm. Is he
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: said to me, well, why didn't you say anything, and
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: I thought, oh yeah, and by the way, if your
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: partner can't handle it, that's kind of their problem.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: And if you do it round and round, after a while,
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: you might be like, maybe we're not meant to be
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: in this partnership, or wow, amazing, we can grow together.
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: We've learned new things about each other. There's greater intimacy.
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: I can show you my cards and you can be like, yeah, okay,
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: I'll take them. So it's I mean, you might as
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: well get to it.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: I mean, you might as well get to it because
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: you're gonna have to get to it with somebody if
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: you want to it be in a relationship. It's gonna
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: come up. It's gonna keep coming up until you fix it,
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: get it right, yeah, or just get it better, get
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: it better, get it better. I mean, that's been the
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: challenge of my life relationships. And I too, am a
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: very direct person, and it is some people can handle
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: it and some people can't. And I never mean anything
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: by it. It's just who I am, you know how
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: I So I do work at softening the delivery of things.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I do think about that. I do think about my
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: husband as an individual now, not like you know, my
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: therapist that I had a while back taught me about
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: circle square circle, where you're two circles and then there's
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: that square in the middle that's the relationship and you're
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: putting stuff into it, but the lines aren't crossed. There's
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: no like you know, and the rings for a wedding
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: you always see like the intertwined real I hate that
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: because you complete me. Yeah, I don't. We're not Yeah,
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: we are not one. No, we have a thing going,
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: but we're not one.
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And there's these moments we're sort of lighting and
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: doing these things together as one.
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: It's it's interesting too though. Women have the impulse to mother, right,
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: so we're always trying to sort of get our partner
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: to be how we think they should be. So if
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: we're saying, hey, we are two individuals, we also have
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: to be willing to be like and I accept your
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: loud talking, inappropriate jokes, whatever, you know. So I think
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: the other thing was very helpful for me as I
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: have a husband who will not be mothered. So it
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: really got me off the hook from that impulse.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: It broke that pattern for you, yeah.
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: Because I was like, oh, we should act all.
• 31:38
  Speaker 4: Be like this, you know, and Lard was like, yeah, no,
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: I had a mom and I was like, got it noted, Yeah,
• 31:45
  Speaker 4: which was great for me because it liberated me from
• 31:48
  Speaker 4: even thinking that I was going to spend time and
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: energy doing that.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: What sign are you?
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: I'm a capricorn?
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, mom, we both have ok yeah, it's good. She's
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: a great lady. We both have three girls. We both
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: almost got divorced. As the directness, yeah, but.
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: It's so feminine. It's so.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: It seems like, oh no, it's you're tall.
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I really intimidated. Well, yours are so shiny
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: and sparkly voice.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Thank god.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: That's great.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: But it does it does come across as abrasive to
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: some people, people that take things personally. I don't take
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: things personally, and I try not to. That's one of
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: the naughty things.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: You don't take them personally.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: Well, I actually read I learned it from a book.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: I learned it from the Four Agreements, and it's one
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: of the core the things that I live by and
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: I try to remember all the time. It's got nothing
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: to do with me. It has everything to do with
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: the other person, what they're going through, how they're feeling,
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: what their day has been, like you know, and it's
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: important to like remember that before you speak sometimes.
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I think being being direct doesn't mean
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: not being thoughtful, right. I am very thought kind about
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: what I'm going to say, and I will even wait
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: for a fertile ground. I won't just be like, oh,
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: we're in traffic and we have nine thousand things going,
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: this is the time, so I want to be clear.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: I'm also like very you know, thoughtful in when is
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: the best time.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: I do that a lot too now, where I never
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: used to do that. I used to be so indulgent,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: self indulgent and like do me and how I needed
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: to do it and when I needed.
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: To do it.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But now I'm much more thoughtful about is this
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: a good time for both of us to have this
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: conversation and then having to control the ability to wait,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: whereas I don't think I have that for a very
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: long time. Yeah.
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: And I think when you are younger sometimes you do
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: wait too long, right. And the idea is I'm going
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: to enter all of these conversations with an idea of
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: finding a solution, not in trying to be right. And
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: I think when we're younger, because we just sort of
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: are getting our voice. It makes perfect sense that the
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: only way I'm going to be heard is if I'm right,
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: And so as you get older, you like, oh yeah, man,
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: right wrong.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: It's like it's.
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: All in the gray. Let's get to the solution. And
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: if I need to apologize for part of this too,
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: I can live with that.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So interesting. I just had a pretty big argument
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: with one of my daughters, which is very rare for us,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: and my ego was flaring. It was like, you've got
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: to see it my way, and she was very set
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: in You've got to see it my way, and ultimately
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: we were just like, let's walk away. I need She said,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I need space from you. I was like ouch, But
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: then I thought, okay, she needs space. I'm proud of
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: her for saying that. I'm proud of her for like
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: taking care of herself. Yeah. But it's so interesting as
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: this version of me having those conflicts with people that
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: mean more to me than anything in anyone in the world,
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: and I'm able to just kind of step out of
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: it and watch it. Yesterday, I wasn't proud of what
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: ended up. Can you know happening between the two of us.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of time to think about it,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: and so I feel really good about going back to
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: her and saying, hey, I see where you're coming from.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: I want you to know I heard you. And there's
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: got to be a middle you know, let's fix this.
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: Well, you're modeling to them. And also it's really powerful
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: to let another person who's saying what they really think
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: and feel and saying and yes, you're right, so that
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: the next time they want to say what their opinion is,
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: what they think and feel, they're not worried that they're
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: going to be shut down. And ultimately, that's you're doing
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: your job as their mom, which is to send them
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: into the world being willing to stand up for what
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: they think and feel, whether they're right or wrong, not
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: to be silent.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: Because speaking your mind is right.
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: It's always right. It's always right, Yeah it is, and
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: to be open, right, Like, that's what it is. It's
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: the dialogue, it's the learning. It's seeing it from another
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: person's point of view. It's taking a new input and
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: being like, oh, well, you know I thought this, but
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: now with that information, maybe I can adapt. Because that's
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: where people get in trouble, is well, no, this is
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: how it is. It's like okay, but if we're not
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: growing and changing and changing our mind forever, I think
• 36:45
  Speaker 3: we're dead.
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: That sounds pretty boring.
• 36:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's what a lot of people do.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a lot of people, A lot of people. You
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: were saying that you almost got a divorce. How long
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: were you separated, because Dave and I almost got a
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: divorce two we're separated for I call it twelve months. Yeah,
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: a good year. Yeah, And the divorce papers were ready.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: It was happening really and then one day it wasn't happening.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: Like we came to this aha moment individually and it
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: just I don't know what happened, but it just worked again.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: And I think that's so interesting. I'm curious. So when
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: you do, like your anniversary number, did you count that
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: year or not? Because I don't count that year. We've
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: been married for ten years, but I call it nine.
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: Oh no, I count it all.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: Hell, yeah, I counted all because that was some hard times.
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: I count I was never more married than when I
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: was almost getting divorced. What do you mean, like, you know, well,
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: you know, and it was early in our marriage, was
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: it was it was twenty five years ago, so it
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: was the first few years of our marriage, I was
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: not willing to to be vulnerable, and I hadn't ever
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: really learned the safety of a relationship. I didn't learn
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: it from my parents, and so I was always alone,
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: kind of wolf, even though I was married. And it
• 38:12
  Speaker 3: was Lard who There was two things that happened that
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: were really poignant. We were broken up and Lard came
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: to the house. He was back in Hawaii. I was
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: in California, and he came to get snowboarding gear. And
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: he's very generous with his emotions and his affection and
• 38:29
  Speaker 3: love and like really there. And I remember he was
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: going down a staircase and the staircase is kind of
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: round at our house, and so he was there and
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: then he rounded the corner and he wasn't and I realized, oh,
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: he was being generous. He has the choice to be
• 38:49
  Speaker 3: that present, that loving, that kind, and now that I'm
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: not reciprocating, he has then taken that back because it's inappropriate.
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: And we went we went through some stuff and Lard
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: said to me, you know, do you want And I
• 39:04
  Speaker 3: had divorce papers. He said, drop divorce papers. That was
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: him being chivalrous. And you know, in California, you have
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: to wait a little bit. That's why we weren't. And
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: he's like, do you want it? Are you really you
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: want to throw this all away? Or do you really
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: want to give it? Do you want to try? He
• 39:22
  Speaker 3: was the one who was way more courageous, and I thought,
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: and then seeing the difference of somebody who could be
• 39:30
  Speaker 3: so loving and saying like, oh you don't want this,
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: then I'll I have to. I'm not just going to
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: let it sit here like an idiot. I'm going to
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: move on. I remember thinking, oh, that's right. There is
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: strength in being loving that weakness.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: How did you come to allowing yourself to be vulnerable
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: in a relationship?
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: You just realize, what's the point if you're not going
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: to risk? And and it's all scary, loving somebody having kids,
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: going for a dream, trying, you know, starting a business,
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: like it's all has a risk element, But what's the point.
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: And so when that was so clear to me, I thought,
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: why would you half asset? And you have somebody right
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: on the other side of you who doesn't half asset
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: and most people do. And you really like him. He
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: has all these traits, like he's honest and hard working,
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: and he's smart and funny and like all these things.
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: And I was like, you might really be blowing it
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: and missing an opportunity of a lifetime that you may
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: never get again. And so I had an awakening of like,
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: because you know, my dad died when I was five,
• 40:50
  Speaker 3: and I my mom left when I was two and
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: came back when I was seven. This is not bagging
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: on her, but the point is is sometimes when that
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: happens when you're young, you don't learn how to feel safe.
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: And I thought, yeah, but you're not a seven year
• 41:05
  Speaker 3: old kid anymore. You know, you're a thirty year old woman.
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: You're and it's like you're playing an old game, you know,
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: but you're in a different life. And so it was
• 41:17
  Speaker 3: really this idea of why would I hold on to
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: that story and why would I not live in them
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: in the actual moment that I'm in with the person
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: that I am with, and it's on Chartered Waters. I
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: don't have the language. Maybe I could do better.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: That's very inspiring for anybody listening. I think, who's struggling
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: with that? Being vulnerable?
• 41:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but pick a person. No one's perfect. People were
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: going to disappoint each other, but pick a person that
• 41:46
  Speaker 3: you can really show them and they won't hold it
• 41:49
  Speaker 3: against you or bring it up later.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: That's the great thing. I had a partner and I
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: have taken on the trade myself where I could show
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: them all the ugly stuff sides of the good stuff
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: and he'd be like, oh okay, and it was safe. And
• 42:04
  Speaker 3: so I try to do that with my kids. I
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: definitely try to do that with my friends. Is be
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: that person that someone can really reveal themselves and you say, oh, okay.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: I want to go on to talking about entrepreneurship with you,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: because I can tell this is something we also have
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: in common. A drive, yes, a strong drive to be
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: who we are and be successful and make a difference
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: where we can.
• 42:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, And I think when people hear that,
• 42:41
  Speaker 3: it feels daunting, right, Like I could hear someone else's
• 42:45
  Speaker 3: story and think, oh, should I be like that? No,
• 42:47
  Speaker 3: you shouldn't. You should figure out like kind of what
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: turns you on? And I used to joke with my friends.
• 42:52
  Speaker 3: I used to teach a dollar class on kwai three
• 42:55
  Speaker 3: days a week. As a dollar, Probably eighty to one
• 42:57
  Speaker 3: hundred people will come to the class, and I'm like, listen,
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: if I baked cookies. I can make you cookies, but
• 43:02
  Speaker 3: this is kind of what I can do. This is
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: how I can contribute. This is what I'm passionate about.
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: This is what excites me. So this is what I'm doing.
• 43:10
  Speaker 3: And so I think the idea of really drilling into
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: who you are. What would you authentically want to spend
• 43:17
  Speaker 3: your time doing. What problems do you want to be solving.
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: If it's a product, for example, would you wear it
• 43:23
  Speaker 3: for me? Would I eat it or drink it or
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: use it? And as long as you keep lining up
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: those things, I think even in the idea of being successful,
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: you already are. We measure success by okay, this, you know,
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: what are your margins? How many millions have you sold?
• 43:41
  Speaker 3: How many skews?
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: Eba like, where how deep do you want to go?
• 43:46
  Speaker 3: But for me, the idea that I even get the
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: chance to spend my time doing it, there's a success
• 43:54
  Speaker 3: in that. And so I've learned to really trust that
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: over the years, the.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: World knows you as a former volleyball player, right, I've
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: always been curious as an athlete when you work and
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: train so long for something to perfect your game and
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: then it's time to retire from the sport. What goes
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: into making that choice? How do you face that? I
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: think for a lot of athletes it's your body just physically, Yeah,
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: you just kind of know, well, I don't maybe have
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: the juice. I think for me it was a combination
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: of my body and I knew I wanted to build
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: other things, and I knew those take time. Because anyone
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: who talks about being an entrepreneur, let's just start it
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: five years, right, Everyone's like, oh, I'll put together a
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: business plan and you know, family and friends around, and
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: then in six months it's like, yeah, no, just to
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: start it's five years. Kind of yeah, it can be
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: for sure, So what's the hall and how long is
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: that going to take? So I knew I had so
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: many other things that I was going to be interested
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: in doing, so that combination and then also starting a
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: family really informed my decisions. But going back to earlier
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: of I sort of scanned the horizon. You know there's
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: an end now. I will say if I was a
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: tennis player and I was really good, I would have
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: just done that till the wheels came off. Because it's
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: a big platform. It's the time spent versus the return
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: it makes a lot of sense.
• 45:26
  Speaker 3: Beach volleyball it doesn't. So there's the over practical side
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: of me that was like measuring all of that out
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: and saying, yes, I love this game. I'm going to
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: have a lot of life to live after this. What
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: do I think I want to be doing? And I
• 45:42
  Speaker 3: have a lot of ways I want to express myself
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: and so you better start creating some momentum in some
• 45:48
  Speaker 3: other ways as well. So I think that that really
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: informed my decisions. It was all of the variables. You know,
• 45:58
  Speaker 3: if I was a guy and I was playing baseball, yeah,
• 46:00
  Speaker 3: do it to you're thirty, you know, eight if you can,
• 46:04
  Speaker 3: and then you'll do the next thing, and you could
• 46:05
  Speaker 3: find your own project by then. Beach volleyball is just
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: a different, different deal. It's a small platform.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: Right. How old were you when you decided to.
• 46:14
  Speaker 3: Well, I officially like was done at about thirty one
• 46:16
  Speaker 3: or two. I did come back one more time at
• 46:19
  Speaker 3: thirty seven. I was pregnant with my youngest daughter.
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: Oh I got to remember this.
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: It was great, really sexy.
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: No, it's a moment's pregnant.
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: You're just like really, because they were going to try
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: to bring back this discipline that I loved very much
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: four and four beach volleyball, and it's a natural game
• 46:36
  Speaker 3: for me, and I thought, yes, I would love to
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: see the next group get to play this discipline, so
• 46:40
  Speaker 3: I'll come and play for a little bit. But yeah,
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: pretty much not long ago. Wow, lives ago.
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: And your body, did you feel that your body was like, uh.
• 46:51
  Speaker 3: No, No, I could handle it because I was trained,
• 46:55
  Speaker 3: so I was in shape. I was just pregnant.
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: It's a little extra.
• 46:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I had a couple of beers. I don't really
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: I'm not a drinker. So the joke I was like, oh, Gabby,
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: she's like really been letting it out, you know. And
• 47:08
  Speaker 3: but no, I I My body was was fine. And
• 47:13
  Speaker 3: your brain, you know, you've done it so many times.
• 47:16
  Speaker 3: Your first step is in is quite as good, but
• 47:18
  Speaker 3: you sort.
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: Of know, yeah, thirty seven, you still got it going on.
• 47:23
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. I think women and men for that matter, especially
• 47:27
  Speaker 3: a game like beach volleyball, it's not the end, you know.
• 47:29
  Speaker 3: It's not the NFL where you get taking hits or
• 47:32
  Speaker 3: gymnastics or something. Beach volleyball is weirdly like you're getting
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: stronger because of the surface and the impact is less
• 47:39
  Speaker 3: because of the sand. So there's a lot of room
• 47:42
  Speaker 3: in there for your experience and as long as you
• 47:44
  Speaker 3: stay in shape, right, Yeah.
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: The endurance of beach volleyball, Yeah yeah, volleyball in the
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: sand gets me every time. I'm really loving this concept
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: that I'm hearing from you of scanning the horizon. I
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: think there's something there and I think that's such a
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: good tip hack, whatever you want to call it, advice
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: to give other women other people.
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: Well, not too much.
• 48:14
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 48:14
  Speaker 3: It's like this thing about like my middle daughter, who's
• 48:17
  Speaker 3: very wise. We were talking about my youngest and how
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: you know, she's always trying to make everything perfect. She's
• 48:23
  Speaker 3: very smart kids trying to and also you're in a
• 48:24
  Speaker 3: group of you know, TikTok and Instagram where they're all
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: trying to make everything perfect, every event perfect. It's all
• 48:30
  Speaker 3: monumental and it's the veneer of it. And my middle
• 48:35
  Speaker 3: daughter goes doesn't she doesn't, doesn't she know? The only
• 48:37
  Speaker 3: perfect moment is in the is the when you're present,
• 48:42
  Speaker 3: and so there within lies that, you know, rack focus
• 48:48
  Speaker 3: of just checking in you know, every day, who am
• 48:53
  Speaker 3: I today? Am I heading in the direction or my
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: relationships heading in the direction that I want that it
• 48:59
  Speaker 3: feels like still represents me. Is my job doing that?
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: All these things, and then kind of living being present,
• 49:09
  Speaker 3: and then every once in a while looking up, because
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: you have to have a target. If you're orienting the
• 49:14
  Speaker 3: ship somewhere and it's like, yeah, I don't think I
• 49:17
  Speaker 3: want to go there. I think I need to do
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: certain things, whether it's changed my thinking or my daily
• 49:22
  Speaker 3: habits or practices, to kind of set the course a
• 49:27
  Speaker 3: little bit, a couple of degrees over here or over here,
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: and only use it as an indication. Because a bullseye
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: often is very hard to hit, so I often think
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: it's building a sort of I always say head that way,
• 49:41
  Speaker 3: you know. It's like even with health, when everyone's like, well,
• 49:43
  Speaker 3: I'm doing my macroism, I go, oh, give me a break,
• 49:46
  Speaker 3: Like you can't. You're not you haven't gotten off the
• 49:48
  Speaker 3: couch yet, and you're talking to me about this, you know,
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: like my heart rate variability. It's like, no, let's just
• 49:53
  Speaker 3: head that way, let's walk, let's eat real food. Then
• 49:57
  Speaker 3: if you get really good, okay, we can start to
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: te it up. And then when we're in the position
• 50:02
  Speaker 3: of a bulls eye where we can take a real shot,
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: then okay, get the bulls eye. But I think we
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: are always setting up bulls eyes way too soon, yeah,
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: way too.
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: Soon, and it can be disappointing, disappotening.
• 50:15
  Speaker 3: We never make it, we give up. So I think,
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: you know, head that way, like today, I'm going to
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: be you know, thoughtful or kinder to my partner or whatever,
• 50:26
  Speaker 3: you know, not all this monumental.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: Every day, every morning is a new opportunity to go
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: that way.
• 50:34
  Speaker 3: Just have that way.
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so true. And if unless you break it down
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: to that simple formula, it's all too complicated.
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: It is. We call it majoring in the minors.
• 50:46
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 50:46
  Speaker 3: It's like people get like all that and they use
• 50:48
  Speaker 3: that actually as an excuse to not do the thing,
• 50:51
  Speaker 3: not do the thing because the thing is hard and
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: the thing is unknown because we don't really know. And
• 50:57
  Speaker 3: sometimes head that way is a lot more achievable and
• 51:00
  Speaker 3: doable because it's like, well I don't have to know,
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: but I could. I sort of have a sense that
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: if I did these couple little things, that would be
• 51:08
  Speaker 3: one step in that direction. But you believe in goals,
• 51:11
  Speaker 3: like oh yeah, I mean, I'm a.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: Do you see it? Do you imagine you achieving the goal?
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: In your mind and then you go for it.
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: I talk a lot about we all have a whisper,
• 51:27
  Speaker 3: a personal whisper. I hadn't when I was a kid.
• 51:29
  Speaker 3: I followed my whisper through my life and it has
• 51:32
  Speaker 3: led me to the places. So it shows up usually
• 51:35
  Speaker 3: first as a whisper, as like, hey, this would be
• 51:38
  Speaker 3: interesting to do, or call that person, or do you
• 51:42
  Speaker 3: want to build that thing? And then it's like okay.
• 51:45
  Speaker 3: The other part of that is learn enough about what
• 51:48
  Speaker 3: you're trying to do first, then create the strategy, because
• 51:53
  Speaker 3: you don't know enough about it to actually create a
• 51:56
  Speaker 3: real strategy. So whether it's a business or or getting
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: in shape or whatever it is, it's like, you know,
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: kind of move that way, start to get a sense
• 52:06
  Speaker 3: of what it is, and then you'll be informed enough
• 52:10
  Speaker 3: to really start to lock in a real strategy to
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: make a not these whimsical like I'm gonna do this thing.
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: It's like what does that mean? And what's the first step?
• 52:19
  Speaker 3: And what's the second step, and what's the third and
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: what's the fiftieth And sometimes you have no shot of
• 52:24
  Speaker 3: even knowing the ninth or tenth until.
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: You take the first or second exactly, So you.
• 52:28
  Speaker 3: Got to get pushed by your whisper, you know, never
• 52:31
  Speaker 3: be too proud to do like the junk work. I
• 52:34
  Speaker 3: always say I've been a rookie because that's very sports oriented.
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: We used to say it when I went to Florida
• 52:40
  Speaker 3: State to play volleyball. The freshman all carried the medical kit,
• 52:43
  Speaker 3: so when you traveled, it was like the kind of
• 52:46
  Speaker 3: the crap job. You know, that's what rookies do. And
• 52:50
  Speaker 3: then when you're not a rookie, the next group does it.
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: And so the other thing I've learned about being an
• 52:54
  Speaker 3: entrepreneur or starting new or a new dream is always
• 52:57
  Speaker 3: be willing to do the grunt work, never above it. Well,
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: well I was really good at that. It's like, yeah,
• 53:02
  Speaker 3: but you're not doing that anymore. You're doing this and
• 53:05
  Speaker 3: you're at the bottom starting over. And when you get
• 53:08
  Speaker 3: the comfort with that and knowing, like also the power
• 53:11
  Speaker 3: of your own like I pick up the phone and
• 53:13
  Speaker 3: call myself if I want to meet somebody or talk
• 53:16
  Speaker 3: about an idea or learn something.
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: I thought you I do, Like, wait, you call yourself?
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: How do you do that? But you're saying I will.
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: Pick up the phone and just be like hey, like
• 53:25
  Speaker 3: you were never above or too big or too prideful. Now,
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: then there comes another point in my career in certain
• 53:31
  Speaker 3: areas where it's like, that's not worth my time. My
• 53:35
  Speaker 3: time will be better spent over here, so I can
• 53:37
  Speaker 3: have delegating something. Yes, yeah, but sometimes part of learning
• 53:42
  Speaker 3: the thing and how to make the real plan and
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: the real strategy and creating the real goal is you
• 53:48
  Speaker 3: got to do it too.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: Absolutely. Yeah, I love that. That's just that's it. That's
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: the real deal right there.
• 53:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 53:54
  Speaker 3: And then when you really get deep into your businesses,
• 53:57
  Speaker 3: then you have much smarter people around you because I'm
• 54:01
  Speaker 3: not going back to business school. I'm not going to run,
• 54:03
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to be the CEO, and you know,
• 54:06
  Speaker 3: worry about manufacturing. So it's like in and out and
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: you go, oh, I'm out of my depth. But the
• 54:13
  Speaker 3: business is matured, so now we need some grown ups.
• 54:16
  Speaker 3: And so it has all these phases.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, How do you you spoke about the whisper?
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: How do you hear your whisper? Like? When do you
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: hear it? Because sometimes the world is so noisy.
• 54:31
  Speaker 3: That's where my physical fitness practice comes in place, because
• 54:35
  Speaker 3: then I stay in tune with how I'm feeling and
• 54:40
  Speaker 3: then I just check in. And so every day, whether
• 54:43
  Speaker 3: it's the shower or I'm alone in my car, I
• 54:47
  Speaker 3: just kind of, you know, hit the flywheel. How's my family?
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: They're always first? How my girls? And then it goes
• 54:56
  Speaker 3: to like, what's happening in work? What's not happening? Do
• 54:59
  Speaker 3: I need to kick someone in the ass? Do I
• 55:00
  Speaker 3: need to kick myself in the ass? Who haven't I
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: called back? Why haven't I called them back? And just
• 55:07
  Speaker 3: always and pull the weeds. You know, Laryer has really
• 55:10
  Speaker 3: taught me that where I don't let things go go
• 55:13
  Speaker 3: and go. It's sort of like when that weed shows up,
• 55:16
  Speaker 3: I just pull it right away. Whether it's like I
• 55:18
  Speaker 3: don't really want to work with that person or I
• 55:20
  Speaker 3: really need to call them and ask for help, whatever
• 55:23
  Speaker 3: that is, I try to do it quickly because then
• 55:26
  Speaker 3: it leaves room to hear the whisper instead of you
• 55:29
  Speaker 3: get buried under your own to do list or other things.
• 55:34
  Speaker 3: So I also try to be pretty on it with
• 55:37
  Speaker 3: those things. But the whisper is your instincts, and your
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: whisper is the dreamer in you. And just let that
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: person thrive and live and trust them, and why not
• 55:50
  Speaker 3: have some audacity. Yeah, you know, and that's why we
• 55:53
  Speaker 3: got to let go of the identity part, because then
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: we never give ourselves permission to be something new and different.
• 56:00
  Speaker 3: I'm not that person.
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: I don't do that.
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: I do that right, It's like, no, you can't yet,
• 56:06
  Speaker 3: and and light yourself if you're sincere. You know, if
• 56:09
  Speaker 3: it's just well because so and so is doing it,
• 56:11
  Speaker 3: or that seems to be popular, that's not usually a
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: good night now.
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: For that for me was the one of the biggest
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: deterrens of going for the thing. Other people were doing it,
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, they're great. Everything's they're doing great.
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: I don't need to get in that space or do
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: what I really want to do. It's it's very very
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: hard to find the whisper though sometimes, but you're right,
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: it's in the in between spaces, and it's so important
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: to pull the weeds. I love that too.
• 56:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you got to pull them. It's like, you know,
• 56:42
  Speaker 3: when you have a little kid, that's like let's say
• 56:44
  Speaker 3: three or four, right, and you have a friend visiting
• 56:47
  Speaker 3: whoever it is. I always used to say to my girls,
• 56:52
  Speaker 3: and my youngest daughter is at times not the most
• 56:55
  Speaker 3: polite person I've ever met. She's very polite, like you.
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: Ticul to a restaurant right out in the world.
• 57:00
  Speaker 3: But if someone comes over and she's not good at
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: small talk and she doesn't want to feel she doesn't
• 57:05
  Speaker 3: feel like it right. So I used to say, hey, listen,
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: just the basics of your manners, just the basics, like, hey,
• 57:12
  Speaker 3: how are you nice to see you? You can walk away,
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: I don't care. But the other thing I learned is
• 57:17
  Speaker 3: if my kids did not lean into somebody, even if
• 57:20
  Speaker 3: I loved the person, I never was like, give them
• 57:24
  Speaker 3: a hug. Because the whole thing is to teach everybody
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: young listen to your whisper because you're getting messages all
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: the time about the world around you and what works
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: for you and what we do. Sometimes, whether it's in
• 57:38
  Speaker 3: school or as their parents, is we teach them not
• 57:44
  Speaker 3: to trust that because we're so worried about how it looks.
• 57:49
  Speaker 3: Or they'll be like, oh, you know that Hamilton kid,
• 57:52
  Speaker 3: is you know, kind of rude or not well raised? Right,
• 57:56
  Speaker 3: I'll take it.
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And you start to believe in yourself.
• 58:00
  Speaker 3: And it's scary every second. Right the whole time, you're like,
• 58:03
  Speaker 3: I don't know, I hope this works out, but I
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: feel compelled. I got to go, you know, And so
• 58:07
  Speaker 3: I think it's it's knowing too that yes, you never
• 58:09
  Speaker 3: know for sure.
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: No, everything's a risk. Love, loving your children endlessly, Yeah, it's.
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: All risk, starting a new business, asking for help, all
• 58:19
  Speaker 3: of that. But the other thing, and people have talked
• 58:22
  Speaker 3: about this, why not and why not you?
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: That's what I said to myself. Yes, they're doing it.
• 58:27
  Speaker 3: Why not me? Yeah, as long as we're genuine about
• 58:31
  Speaker 3: our reasons. Why even if we say to ourselves, I
• 58:33
  Speaker 3: just want to make money, Okay, that's genuine and honest,
• 58:36
  Speaker 3: right if people. I love when people are like, I'm
• 58:38
  Speaker 3: trying to do good in the world, but really there
• 58:39
  Speaker 3: reasons they want to make money or get attention. I'm like, listen,
• 58:42
  Speaker 3: just be honest about whatever it is. And it could
• 58:45
  Speaker 3: be all of the all three. But I love when
• 58:48
  Speaker 3: people feel like they have to house it in. Oh,
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: well this is going to be It's like, okay, but
• 58:53
  Speaker 3: why you're doing it is you've whiteboarded this, you see
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: that there's space here, you think you can make money here.
• 59:00
  Speaker 3: But the question is do you really believe it and
• 59:02
  Speaker 3: are you willing to do it when it really sucks
• 59:05
  Speaker 3: because doing especially businesses, you know, new businesses, it's a
• 59:10
  Speaker 3: bit of a lift.
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: Have you had to do that, have you had to
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: make decisions you probably wouldn't have just for security or
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: money or forward movement or whatever.
• 59:20
  Speaker 3: It is not too often. You know, Lard and I
• 59:24
  Speaker 3: both are hardwired. I think a little bit like this.
• 59:27
  Speaker 3: Lard always says, the best the only time to say
• 59:30
  Speaker 3: no is when you can't. The only time it really
• 59:33
  Speaker 3: counts is when you can't, when you can't afford it,
• 59:37
  Speaker 3: when you can't whatever. So I've really tried to adhere
• 59:41
  Speaker 3: to my compass. And even when I was like, oh
• 59:46
  Speaker 3: I really like to take that job, it's like, that's
• 59:49
  Speaker 3: not really me. And so yeah, you listen to that.
• 59:55
  Speaker 3: It is and you just know that gets baked into
• 59:58
  Speaker 3: your cake and your big cake and it's always going
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 3: to be better in the long run for you. And
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 3: everybody has a different gauge of success. So for some
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 3: people it's like, well, zero's is the success. For me,
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 3: it's I can look at myself in the mirror, I
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 3: can look at laired in their eyeballs, and I know
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 3: my kids know, and so I start there, yeah, and
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 3: then then yeah, I want to win. I want my
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 3: companies to thrive and make money and grow and do
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 3: all that. But we always say not at any cost.
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: That's true. Yeah, we want to win. We're just hardwired.
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I want to win, but I don't want to
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 3: win and not play by the rules because I tell
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 3: my girls this, play by the big rules, right, So
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 3: tell the truth, work hard, treat people with kindness, whatever
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 3: those big rules really are, and then break every other rule.
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, right, Like, go for it, Yeah.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 3: Go for it, but always play by the big rule.
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 3: Because I think we do need a north star because
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 3: it's easy to then you just be all over the place.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 3: So create your north star, whatever that is for you.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 3: So I think it's like our company like so, for example,
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 3: we have a guardrails, and one of the guardrails is
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 3: we don't use natural flavors. So when we can't make
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 3: a vanilla creamer because we can't get the flavor right
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 3: and there was a bad crop in Madagascar of real
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 3: vanilla because it was and now it's too expensive, well
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 3: we're gonna are we gonna use natural flavors. It's a
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 3: really easy decision. And let me tell you what the
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 3: most popular flavor of creamers is Vanilla. So we were
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 3: in business for five or six years before we could
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 3: do vanilla. So that's the point. You have your guardrails,
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 3: so when it gets you get squeezed, you know what
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 3: you're doing and not doing just makes it easier.
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're staying true to your standards. Memrals, so so
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: good before I let you go. Yes, Gaby Reese, what
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: was your last I choose mean? Moment's cool question. It
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: can be big, it can be small.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 3: I'm more of like a small I choose me like
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 3: and usually it has to do weirdly with like beauty
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 3: things like getting my hair done, which because I put
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 3: all that stuff way back on, I don't It's not
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 3: that I don't care, but I mean, it is what
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 3: it is, right like even I'm fifty five, like I am,
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: I look how I look. It is what it is.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: So it's when I say I choose me, it's like
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 3: my fitness for me is my I choose me, and
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 3: it's you know, absolutely often. But I also know when
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 3: I get I go too far, I just tell everyone
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 3: I'm out, I'm going to get my hair done, I'm
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 3: going to get my nails done. I don't apologize I
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 3: don't wiggle around. I just look at everybody like that's
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 3: what I'm doing. And so yeah, I think that that's
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 3: like self care. Yeah, and just if it gets too far,
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 3: I go, why is it too far? Because I haven't
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 3: taken care of it? But really it's it's the training.
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 3: Training is the I choose me every week. Absolutely.
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're a great role model. You are inspiring.
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like we are twin flames somehow. I want
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: to be friends with you. But I just want to
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: say thank you so much for driving to the studio
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: and being here today and being so open and honest.
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 3: Well, thank you, and I drove here because I do
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 3: really appreciate your message. And I think, you know, I
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 3: always say like all hands on deck, and so if
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 3: we can all help each other and being in small
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 3: ways and encourage each other and say like, yep, it's messy,
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 3: don't know what we're doing the best we can. I think,
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 3: because we live in a world where everyone's trying to
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 3: make it like it's perfect. What's wrong? I mean, down
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 3: to like a gender reveal, It's like that's not real life.
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 3: And so I really appreciate that you're sort of saying, hey,
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 3: remember if you're going to be doing all these things
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 3: for everybody that it is important to make sure you're
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 3: taking care of yourself.
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: Thank you,