Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 48: The Life Listing: Making Upgrades and Repairs for a Better Future

Transcript

48: The Life Listing: Making Upgrades and Repairs for a Better Future · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hi there and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So I was recently interviewed on the healing, her podcast, dedicated to interview women from different healing modalities and it was so much fun.
• 0:31
  I really enjoyed the conversation over there.
• 0:33
  So I thought I would also share the episode here with all of you.
• 0:36
  We talked about boundaries, the rings of relationships, things that hold us back, embracing all the seasons of life and so much more.
• 0:44
  So I hope that you enjoy it.
• 0:46
  And again, as a reminder, I am officially on leave while my family is moving across the country.
• 0:50
  But I am also currently building my waitlist for when we get settled.
• 0:55
  So my current clients will be getting Deb's on the timing for my sessions, but I do plan to increase my hours of availability.
• 1:01
  Once we get settled.
• 1:03
  And so if you would like to be the first on my waiting list to get started toward the end of august first part of september please email me@marianneatmariannewalker.life.
• 1:12
  and i will add you to my list and with that enjoy this episode of healing her Marianne.
• 1:18
  Hi.
• 1:19
  How are you?
• 1:20
  Good.
• 1:20
  How are you?
• 1:21
  I do well.
• 1:23
  So I have to ask you something because when I watch your content and I specifically get it from Instagram, I've been listening to some of your podcasts as well.
• 1:32
  You bring such a.
• 1:35
  Enthusiastic and high vibrational energy to your page.
• 1:39
  And if I'm having a low day.
• 1:42
  Or I'm just like, kind of like, eh, If I go to your page, I immediately feel a lift.
• 1:49
  Is this how you, you show up.
• 1:53
  Typically, or is this like the work face?
• 1:57
  If you will.
• 1:59
  We try to show up in that way.
• 2:00
  I do.
• 2:00
  Of course, you know, every day is different, but, but yeah, for the most part, I just love life.
• 2:05
  So that's how I try to show up.
• 2:08
  Well, it absolutely translates in your work.
• 2:11
  I mean, even on your podcast, you definitely start out with this great energy and then I feel like you come into, uh, I don't want to say somber, but maybe more of a neutral space where you're sharing important information that can be easily applied to any of your listeners life.
• 2:28
  And I love how you offer visuals as well.
• 2:35
  So what brought you?
• 2:38
  To life coaching as opposed to like say fitness coaching, what brought you into it?
• 2:43
  Yeah, well, it's been kind of like an evolution, right?
• 2:45
  So I knew I wanted to help people.
• 2:47
  And so I kind of started out in the, in the helper.
• 2:50
  Realm where it was like, you know, helping out friends with different things.
• 2:53
  And then I thought, well, you know, I want to like, actually do this as a career.
• 2:57
  Okay, well, I'm going to try out reflexology for awhile.
• 2:59
  So I did that for a while and I kind of learned a bit more about energy and healing and expanded out from there.
• 3:05
  And, and then I just kind of realized that like for me then the greatest and fastest changes happened, really, I think healing can be.
• 3:13
  As quick as a thought.
• 3:14
  And so I thought, you know what, like, I really think I want to work specifically doing thought work with people.
• 3:19
  Uh, to help to create those changes.
• 3:21
  Cause there's something really feel into the body and then other things that as soon as you can bring it into your conscious awareness.
• 3:26
  It can help to trigger that change.
• 3:29
  And so I really wanted to help other people to experience that as well.
• 3:35
  That's pretty incredible, especially how you describe.
• 3:39
  You know, assault can occur in a moment and it can shift your perspective.
• 3:44
  It can shift your world.
• 3:45
  It can shift your mood.
• 3:47
  I even think about being a mom, right.
• 3:49
  And there are these certain times in my life.
• 3:51
  Maybe I've been exhausted.
• 3:53
  Or I just, haven't been in a state of.
• 3:57
  A lot of energy.
• 3:59
  Something comes up with my child.
• 4:02
  It is immediately tangible and I'm.
• 4:05
  You know, Right into action.
• 4:09
  That's a thought.
• 4:10
  Right.
• 4:11
  I mean, I think to myself, oh my goodness.
• 4:14
  I have to take care of it.
• 4:16
  Like today, actually, something like that occurred.
• 4:18
  And I was like, all right.
• 4:19
  This has to be taken care of.
• 4:21
  And, my mind, my mood, everything can shift on behalf of my son.
• 4:26
  Right.
• 4:27
  Yeah.
• 4:27
  It's so amazing.
• 4:28
  I love that example because it's so true.
• 4:29
  Like oftentimes it's, we don't recognize the power of a thought until we have those big deal thoughts, right.
• 4:35
  Where it does change our whole day in an instant where we think we have our list of priorities for the day.
• 4:39
  And then something happens and we think it's, the circumstances that are creating these things, and those do have influence, but thinking on like, whoa, It's really how we're thinking about it, how we're thinking about these things that are happening around us.
• 4:51
  That is moving us into action.
• 4:53
  So I love that example because you're exactly right.
• 4:55
  Like kids, especially something goes on with them.
• 4:57
  Yep.
• 4:58
  Moms at the ready.
• 5:02
  Um, so, so you've done this other work.
• 5:05
  You've done some reflex reflexology work.
• 5:08
  You've done some energy work.
• 5:10
  How does that help you and your work?
• 5:15
  As a life.
• 5:16
  Coach.
• 5:17
  How does it feed your work?
• 5:19
  Yeah, well, it's been really interesting to try to, incorporate all of those together.
• 5:24
  And so that's really kind of my goal and I'm still figuring out all of the ins and outs of it.
• 5:28
  Uh, but it's been really fun for me, because as I was learning life coaching.
• 5:31
  I'm going to the life coach school.
• 5:33
  And so it's very much just life coaching.
• 5:36
  Based.
• 5:37
  And so it's an interesting just tweak it and make it my own.
• 5:40
  But I have found that, the energy aspect has really been beneficial for me.
• 5:44
  What I'm able to engage with people on that, on the energetic level, I identify as an empath and so is that an interesting experience for me too, whereas I've been somebody who traditionally has really felt people's feelings and they've almost been overwhelming for me.
• 5:59
  To have to set those energetic boundaries and realize like, okay, this is this person's experience.
• 6:04
  I can sit with them and I can mirror back to them.
• 6:07
  I need to do something so I can make this more sustainable for me, because I found that as I was working with people, I was using my own energy force to help people.
• 6:16
  And only do so much with that.
• 6:18
  Um, but when you're able to just hold space with somebody and actually just reflect things back to them and hold space for them on their healing journey.
• 6:26
  Uh, that's been, it's been very helpful for me.
• 6:28
  So it kind of was a natural evolution.
• 6:31
  Um, my own journey with learning how to navigate life as an empath to learn how to hold those energetic boundaries.
• 6:36
  And I think the life coaching really helped to, not only identify what my boundaries needed to be, but gave me ample opportunities to practice setting those boundaries so that now, I'm not as easily overcome.
• 6:47
  By other people's experiences.
• 6:49
  When they're shared with me, I can actually hold space.
• 6:52
  And help them to navigate their own problems.
• 6:54
  Whereas before I felt like I had to fix everything.
• 6:57
  So it really shifts the energy of the interactions when I'm able to just be with them.
• 7:03
  Where they're at?
• 7:04
  I think so often we try to encourage people on their path, maybe at a rate that they aren't quite ready for just to make us feel better.
• 7:12
  And so in order to sit with somebody exactly where they're at.
• 7:15
  And be okay with it and let them know.
• 7:17
  Like, Hey it's okay.
• 7:19
  Because I think that that's the only time that people actually create lasting change is when they feel loved and accepted.
• 7:25
  Exactly.
• 7:26
  Where they're at.
• 7:28
  I have, I have a million thoughts as I was listening to you and I can resonate with that.
• 7:32
  And I imagine many of our listeners today can also resonate with it.
• 7:37
  This idea.
• 7:39
  Identifying as an impasse and sealing the feelings of others, deeply, myself included.
• 7:46
  Um, I would say over the past year and a half, two years, I have learned.
• 7:52
  So much about that and how I would, I tend to, to carry the weight of other people's emotions and so much so that it would derail me from my own.
• 8:03
  Dreams desires, work, et cetera.
• 8:06
  And I would think, oh, I, you know, I know how to help.
• 8:13
  I know what you need to do.
• 8:14
  I know I can just maybe just do this and this and this right.
• 8:19
  And, I started seeing an acupuncturist and I asked her the question.
• 8:25
  How do you do your work?
• 8:27
  Because not only was it acupuncture, but she also did, I guess some coaching during the sessions, you know, drawing out.
• 8:34
  Conversation of what's going on, that kind of thing.
• 8:36
  And I would think to myself, from my perspective, like hearing all these stories of.
• 8:41
  people through the day and there.
• 8:44
  There.
• 8:45
  Probably deep stories, right.
• 8:47
  You know, you're in this intimate, intimate setting and.
• 8:50
  She's asking what's going on.
• 8:51
  And where are you feeling?
• 8:53
  Things that get that kind of stuff?
• 8:55
  And she gave me this really cool example again, and it's similar to your work like this visual that I could hold.
• 9:00
  And it helped me.
• 9:01
  She said, when you leave.
• 9:03
  I create, almost like a cloud or a bubble around you.
• 9:08
  And she said, I sent you off with love and I send that bubble out the door with you.
• 9:14
  And I thought, Ooh, I like that.
• 9:16
  And she says, you can use it.
• 9:18
  You can use it anytime you want.
• 9:20
  If you've taken on a lot of energy from another person or even a situation, um, I remember witnessing a car accident one day and I felt.
• 9:29
  Really tied up in that accident.
• 9:31
  And later I thought to myself, okay, I need to, I need to put that accident in its bubble and send it on its way with love.
• 9:39
  To secure my own energy.
• 9:41
  And where I'm going with, this is the idea of boundaries, right?
• 9:46
  There's a lot of talk about boundaries and.
• 9:49
  I'm not sure.
• 9:51
  People.
• 9:53
  Have a good idea of how to do that necessarily.
• 9:56
  And that visual really helped me.
• 9:58
  And.
• 9:59
  Is there something in your work that you say to people who work with you, how to set a boundary or how to draw a line?
• 10:07
  Yeah.
• 10:07
  I mean, first, I really love that example of just sending somebody out the door in a bubble of love.
• 10:11
  Like that's one of my main missions as a life coach is to help the helpers and the healers and the people pleasers.
• 10:17
  To find a life that is more sustainable for them by minimizing that compassion, fatigue, and burnout.
• 10:22
  And, you know, a lot of that is that we're bringing those things home with us.
• 10:26
  Right.
• 10:26
  Somebody's unloading everything on us and then we're taking all of it home and trying to sort it out.
• 10:31
  And so, yeah, so I do something similar.
• 10:33
  I kind of just imagined myself as I'm in session with somebody.
• 10:36
  I imagined that my art is like a one-way mirror, so I'm able to sit with them and then my only job is to reflect things back at them.
• 10:43
  And rather than taking it into my body to fill into process and then giving it back to them, I can just simply sit and hold space and allow that one way mirror to just say, okay, I see this and okay, well, let's look at it from this other angle.
• 10:55
  Um, and so that's been really helpful for me to, as with my energetic boundaries to just keep things.
• 11:00
  Just a little bit outside of myself and as loving space where I'm able to just reflect it back to them, like, Hey, this might be what's going on for you.
• 11:07
  And, and, and let's see what things we can do.
• 11:09
  Let's let's just.
• 11:11
  Look at things a little bit more clearly, which kind of like has me thinking now about the idea of radical acceptance.
• 11:17
  Like that's another piece that's been very huge and healing for me when it comes to seeing things more clearly is that radical acceptance piece of acknowledging.
• 11:25
  Okay.
• 11:25
  What is mine to own?
• 11:27
  And what is there?
• 11:28
  Um, and just acknowledging what things I do and do not have control over.
• 11:33
  And that little piece has been very helpful and supportive for me too, and helping to create those energetic boundaries and, and help me to just be able to, um, yeah.
• 11:42
  Be able to love and to serve without.
• 11:44
  The compassion, fatigue and the burnout just by identifying those parts of, you know, what belongs to me and what belongs to them.
• 11:51
  And I'm, I am going to send them the love and the light and the hopes that pay like I trust and love you.
• 11:58
  And I believe that you're capable of learning how to navigate this.
• 12:02
  And I'm more than happy to sit with you and hold space and offer guidance.
• 12:06
  But I know that the only way you're going to learn how to navigate this on your own is if I actually let you practice learning how to navigate these things on your own, it can be something as simple as processing an emotion.
• 12:17
  You know, oftentimes we think, oh, I need to solve all their problems for them.
• 12:21
  So often it's just holding space for somebody to just sit with a singular emotion.
• 12:26
  And just be okay with that.
• 12:28
  I find that a lot of my coaching is just that it's identifying.
• 12:31
  Okay.
• 12:32
  But what's the feeling coming up for you?
• 12:34
  And how does that feel on your body?
• 12:36
  Where is it showing up for you?
• 12:38
  Because truly every way that we show up in life, it's because of how we're feeling or how we think it's going to make us feel.
• 12:46
  Really neglect.
• 12:47
  Side of stuff.
• 12:49
  Motivating force.
• 12:52
  Yeah.
• 12:52
  Also as I'm listening to you.
• 12:54
  I do think about the difference between how women processing emotions and men process.
• 13:00
  Emotions and this.
• 13:02
  This goes back to the example of motherhood and my son's father.
• 13:07
  The way he approaches emotions and responds to my son's emotions are very different than how I would that idea of.
• 13:17
  a woman sitting in a holding space with emotion.
• 13:22
  It's something that I continue to practice with myself.
• 13:26
  I would like to come.
• 13:28
  Talk.
• 13:29
  About the ring of relationships that you had in your recent podcast?
• 13:36
  And.
• 13:38
  Bring that to the boundary conversation that you were just, Highlighting.
• 13:44
  And I wonder if there is a difference between a hard boundary.
• 13:50
  And a soft boundary.
• 13:52
  And by that, I mean, Thinking of the ring of real relationships, and let's say I am ready to move an intimate relationship into a.
• 14:03
  It's like the outer ring.
• 14:06
  Of the ring of relationships.
• 14:08
  Yeah.
• 14:08
  Yeah.
• 14:09
  So, first of all, just kind of briefly go over like what the rings of relationships are and kind of how that impacts us.
• 14:14
  So I kind of like to think of our relationships as like rings on a bullseye.
• 14:18
  And so the outer ring is going to be kind of the people out in the community.
• 14:23
  And of course with each ring, we're going to have different expectations.
• 14:26
  So the community members will be, you know, the people that you pass on the street or that you see at the store.
• 14:30
  You're going to smile and say hello, but that's the extent of your level of intimacy.
• 14:34
  And then the next ring is going to be your acquaintances.
• 14:38
  So this might be your coworkers or maybe who you work out with at the gym.
• 14:42
  And you're going to see them probably on a regular basis and in very specific settings.
• 14:46
  But you might not see them too much outside of that.
• 14:49
  Those.
• 14:50
  Amateurs.
• 14:51
  And then the next ring in is your acquaintances, which of course, you know, there's a bit more intimacy, a bit more frequency and how often you spend time together and then the inner circle.
• 15:01
  And that's where our intimate are, which of course has the highest level of intimacy.
• 15:05
  You're probably seeing them a lot more frequently, but this is also our highest level of expectations are.
• 15:10
  And so it's interesting to think on so much conflict in relationship comes from.
• 15:15
  Not actually.
• 15:17
  Believing people.
• 15:19
  When they tell us who they are.
• 15:21
  So we hope that maybe they're going to be sitting in a certain ring of relationship, for example.
• 15:26
  So maybe someone, they feel like they can maybe be an acquaintance for us, but we really want them to be an intimate.
• 15:32
  And because we want them to be an intimate so badly.
• 15:35
  We hold them to these really high expectations.
• 15:39
  And then of course, we're getting frustrated because they are not meeting our expectations.
• 15:43
  They're probably also being frustrated because.
• 15:46
  They can tell that we're upset with them and we just have such high expectations and they can't meet them.
• 15:51
  And so there's just so much peace that comes from looking at the relationship, looking at how people are actually showing up.
• 15:57
  And then I'm putting them in the ring accordingly.
• 16:00
  First of all, to help us to have a more accurate or more, healthy.
• 16:06
  Expectations around the relationship.
• 16:08
  And so it's kind of just acknowledging like, okay, I'm going to radically accept where you're at.
• 16:12
  And then I'm just going to believe you.
• 16:14
  I'm just going to believe that this is your capacity to show up right now.
• 16:18
  And that's okay.
• 16:19
  Rather than forcing them to fit into a Rainbird where you're both going to be kind of a little bit uncomfortable.
• 16:25
  But as this pertains to the boundaries.
• 16:27
  Oftentimes we get kind of mixed up on even what a boundary is.
• 16:30
  Because so often we think, well, no, like my boundary is you have to treat me this way.
• 16:35
  But the thing is we have zero control over how the other person treats us.
• 16:39
  We cannot control them.
• 16:41
  And so oftentimes we think that control equals a boundary, but that's not true.
• 16:45
  A true boundary is actually radically accepting that the other person is going to do what they're going to do.
• 16:50
  And we get to act accordingly.
• 16:53
  So, for example, a true boundary, instead of saying, Hey, you can't smoke in the car.
• 16:59
  Like, I can't tell them they can't smoke, but I can say, Hey, if you're going to choose to smoke, I'm going to choose to walk or take my own vehicle.
• 17:06
  And it's saying, I am going to do in response.
• 17:08
  They're still free to choose to do what they're going to do.
• 17:12
  And, and that's totally fine, but I am also free to choose how I'm going to respond and I can do whatever I need to do in order to keep myself safe.
• 17:20
  That's a great explanation for that.
• 17:24
  I do agree with you that oftentimes there is this misconstruing of control.
• 17:31
  Equaling a boundary controlling what.
• 17:35
  The other.
• 17:35
  PR person is going to do.
• 17:37
  I have a question for you also around relationships.
• 17:41
  And.
• 17:42
  Boundaries and the ring of relationships.
• 17:45
  So as an example for myself, this is a true story.
• 17:50
  I had a woman come into my life as a friend and I have been learning.
• 17:56
  My typical tendency was, I meet somebody.
• 17:59
  I like, and there's this great energy between the two of us since.
• 18:03
  We're going to be friends, right.
• 18:08
  And I had to check myself on this and what had happened was.
• 18:14
  We started out kind of strong.
• 18:16
  I'll say good communications.
• 18:19
  You know, getting together when we had free time.
• 18:21
  And then I noticed each time this friend would reach out to me.
• 18:26
  She would tell me how busy she was.
• 18:30
  Literally an every, we would exchange a lot through voice messages.
• 18:35
  Or voice memos.
• 18:36
  Voice text I think is what it's called.
• 18:39
  And I thought to myself, my goodness, every time she.
• 18:43
  gets in touch with me.
• 18:44
  She's telling me how busy she is.
• 18:46
  And I think I need to bring this to her attention because I really want her to be my friend and maybe she doesn't know that.
• 18:54
  And this was a little odd for me.
• 18:55
  I mean, you know, it's, it's later in life for me and I, I have been thinking a lot about this idea of almost, Having a friendship contract, and I'm not talking about a legal document, but you know, agreements that we have in relationships.
• 19:11
  And so.
• 19:13
  I sent her a voice text and.
• 19:16
  I did point out to her that when she, get in touch with me, she would often tell me how busy she was and if she was truly that busy and didn't have time for the friendship that I understood that.
• 19:28
  And you know, it was okay.
• 19:30
  And maybe it's just not time for us to be friends.
• 19:33
  But if she wanted to take some time, Excuse me and reflect on that and see in her schedule, if she truly had time to be a friend of mine.
• 19:44
  That I would love to be a friend of hers.
• 19:46
  And she did.
• 19:47
  She took a few days to think about it and part of my brain thought to myself.
• 19:52
  Oh yeah.
• 19:52
  Oh, great.
• 19:54
  Look what you went and did kind of thing.
• 19:56
  And then there was the other part of me that thought, and this was more, actually, this was like 25% was like, oh, look what you did.
• 20:04
  And I would say 75% was thinking that was brave of you because I think in female SunChips.
• 20:11
  These conversations.
• 20:13
  I don't know.
• 20:14
  I mean, you can tell me maybe in your life.
• 20:17
  How, you know, How open I have been with female friendships over the year.
• 20:21
  That was probably.
• 20:24
  You know, one of the more braver.
• 20:27
  I openly communicative moves that have ever made.
• 20:31
  So when it, when it comes to your relationships specifically, like friendships, Do you find yourself being bad?
• 20:40
  Radically open or what are your thoughts on that?
• 20:44
  Like, Female friendships and open communication.
• 20:48
  Yeah.
• 20:49
  Yeah.
• 20:49
  I mean, I find that as I get older than I've had to be a bit more clear in my communication because honestly, the older I get, the more I realized I want to be in relationship with people that genuinely want to be in a relationship with me.
• 21:02
  And so, I have grown tired of being in the story where I'm just waiting for the other person to show up or wondering if they like me.
• 21:09
  And so I've been more bold in like, Hey, like I really like you and I want to be friends.
• 21:13
  Hey, I have been more, a lot more bold in that way.
• 21:17
  And I think that the only way that you can find the people that really truly do resonate with you is by actually doing that by being your true self by.
• 21:25
  I showing up and saying, Hey, this is what I'm looking for in relationship.
• 21:28
  Are you looking for the same thing?
• 21:30
  Maybe they're looking for the same thing and maybe they're not, but you can't know.
• 21:34
  Unless you actually put it out there.
• 21:36
  Um, and it's interesting too, because sometimes, you know, it's those thoughts getting in our head about, you know, thinking that somebody should be different than they are.
• 21:44
  And so that's exactly what I tell my clients to do is, is exactly what you did by.
• 21:48
  I'm making a request.
• 21:50
  And then you can see if they're willing to fulfill it or not.
• 21:52
  And then you can act accordingly, oftentimes they want to react emotionally and.
• 21:57
  But no, but you should hang out with me more and you shouldn't tell me that you're busy and because she might have it in her head that, you know, we don't know what's in her head, but she might need.
• 22:06
  I'm just letting her know that I am busy right now, but maybe she's neglecting to say, but I'm coming back or I'll.
• 22:12
  I get back to you in 30 minutes.
• 22:13
  You know, so just tweaking her communication could be very helpful.
• 22:17
  so it's interesting to notice what the stories are that we have going on when somebody does tell us that they're busy.
• 22:23
  Like, do we believe in that we're busy?
• 22:25
  Do we believe, oh, well they're just making excuses.
• 22:27
  They don't want to hang out with me, but just noticing, like, what is the story that's coming up in our head.
• 22:32
  Because so often we assume the story and we have the stories.
• 22:36
  That it is true.
• 22:37
  But when you can actually have those conversations like you did with your friend and bring it out into the open, then there's a little space in the local little wiggle room.
• 22:45
  Who maybe receive a bit more insight as to what the actual story is so that you can adjust your expectations accordingly, because maybe it is somebody that they are only able to show up for you in the ways of an acquaintance right now.
• 22:59
  And so maybe then maybe once a month, And then you get to decide if it's a relationship you want to invest in or not.
• 23:05
  But also, maybe this is just a specific season of life where it's crazy busy.
• 23:09
  You know, I know for me, it's the end of the school year and it feels bonkers and like, I also just be all right.
• 23:16
  She's just kind of busy and you know, but maybe next month it'll be a different story.
• 23:21
  And so just being open to the idea and the possibility that, okay, well maybe I don't have all the information yet.
• 23:26
  Kind of looking at it, like you're a scientist, like, all right.
• 23:28
  I just need to gather a bit more information and then I can choose how I want to invest accordingly and adjust my expectations accordingly.
• 23:36
  You know what happened after all that?
• 23:38
  When I did share with her, our relationship.
• 23:41
  Our relationship improved.
• 23:43
  Oh, good relationship improved.
• 23:45
  And, and I thought to myself, that the way that I spoke with her and I come from a history of have hard boundaries, right.
• 23:55
  Rather than soft boundaries.
• 23:58
  And so when I.
• 24:01
  Said to her, Through the voice text.
• 24:04
  And there's something actually really beautiful about voice texting.
• 24:06
  I have to say.
• 24:09
  They really is something beautiful about it.
• 24:11
  because I could say everything I needed to say.
• 24:15
  She could hear it all.
• 24:18
  Without.
• 24:19
  She couldn't respond to me in the moment.
• 24:21
  Right.
• 24:22
  And she could go back and hear it again.
• 24:26
  and hear my tone.
• 24:27
  And, so I'm learning more about softer boundaries rather than harder boundaries.
• 24:33
  Like, oh, I'm done because I definitely had that thought in my head, right.
• 24:37
  Like, oh, she doesn't, she doesn't want to be friends with me.
• 24:40
  She tells me how busy she is all the time.
• 24:42
  And then when I grounded myself, I thought to myself, okay, I have to offer her the benefit of the doubt and actually say what's on my mind.
• 24:50
  And let her know you were saying this too.
• 24:53
  Hey, I want to be friends with you and it seems like such a silly, childish thing.
• 24:58
  But to actually let someone know I had a woman do this to me one day.
• 25:02
  She's like, I really like you.
• 25:03
  I want to be friends with you.
• 25:04
  And it filled my heart and soul.
• 25:08
  And I thought to myself, I'm going to do that with my friend too.
• 25:10
  And let her know that I really want to be her friend.
• 25:13
  And that also this is coming up and maybe she doesn't want to be my friend, or maybe it isn't the time.
• 25:20
  Right.
• 25:21
  She's having a season in her life where.
• 25:23
  It's just not possible.
• 25:25
  And that was a bit difficult for me to do, but, and once I did it, And she responded back to me, I would say we're in the acquaintance ring, but we have a good level of intimacy, meaning we share some pretty deep topics.
• 25:38
  Um, yeah.
• 25:40
  I love that.
• 25:40
  I think that's beautiful.
• 25:41
  And I love what you said about the voice text, because it's so true.
• 25:45
  Right?
• 25:46
  When we're texting, it's really easy to like infer tone, right.
• 25:49
  And.
• 25:50
  Oh, they're so mad at me when really they're just thinking something very matter of fact, you know?
• 25:55
  I love the boys texts.
• 25:56
  Cause you're spot on.
• 25:57
  But yeah, there is so much more information in the tone that you can't read.
• 26:02
  Via text.
• 26:03
  And I also love, the clear communication.
• 26:05
  I think it was Bernay brown that said clear is kind and unclear is unkind.
• 26:10
  Yes.
• 26:12
  And that's true for relationships too.
• 26:13
  Like being clear about what it is that you want and offering them space to be clear about what it is that they want.
• 26:20
  It's just so refreshing to have that clear communication.
• 26:22
  I realized When I was neck deep in the people pleasing.
• 26:25
  Right.
• 26:26
  Very very passive and by communication.
• 26:29
  And, and that really left a lot of things open to interpretation and it has been so refreshing to just be more clear and to make friends with people that are more clear and direct in their communication.
• 26:41
  And oftentimes we refrain from having those clear conversations because we're worried about offending the other person, but my experience has been, it is just so refreshing.
• 26:50
  Because I have to sit and wonder and worry about what their story is.
• 26:53
  I can just ask them and be like, Hey, can you let me know?
• 26:56
  You know, can we just get some clarity around this?
• 26:58
  And I've had the same experience as you are.
• 26:59
  It really has.
• 27:00
  Helped to deepen the relationship because then we're not just stuck in limbo.
• 27:05
  Wondering if the other person really wants to be our friend or not.
• 27:08
  Absolutely.
• 27:09
  And, you know, and even in the worst of scenarios, let's say that she did get back to me and she said, I don't want to be friends with you, even if she kind of said it like that.
• 27:21
  It is clear and it is done.
• 27:25
  Rather than being in that passiveness or that people pleasing stage.
• 27:30
  Lord knows.
• 27:30
  I think I still have parts that to me, It is refreshing.
• 27:35
  It is relieving and it allows.
• 27:39
  For getting to the next thing.
• 27:42
  I so often think about.
• 27:45
  Tethers in my life and what tethers me and prevents me from doing the things that I want to do.
• 27:54
  I can write goals.
• 27:55
  I can journal.
• 27:56
  I can, and I can do the thought, like I can do the thought thing where my mood can shift and my actually can shift.
• 28:03
  But what I think about.
• 28:05
  Excuse me, the sustainability.
• 28:08
  And.
• 28:10
  Having to come back to something to free me up to do the things I want to do.
• 28:14
  Oh, my gosh, my train of thought is going off into the ethers.
• 28:19
  Um, Maybe, I don't know if you can think of something related to tethers that hold.
• 28:26
  Yeah, hold someone back.
• 28:29
  The thought isn't enough.
• 28:31
  The movement isn't enough.
• 28:32
  There's this perpetual cycle in the mind, that's holding them.
• 28:38
  From.
• 28:39
  Moving ahead in some way.
• 28:42
  Yeah.
• 28:42
  And it's interesting.
• 28:43
  Cause yeah, first I think it's really when, things are unclear and go unsaid.
• 28:47
  That that is where the resentment comes in, where we're going to experience that conflict in a relationship.
• 28:51
  And I think like is you're talking about tethers, I think kind of about tethers in two ways.
• 28:55
  There are those tethers, like you said, that hold us back.
• 28:59
  In relationship.
• 28:59
  And then there's those tethers that really ground and center.
• 29:03
  And choosing intentionally, okay, where am I going to focus this?
• 29:07
  because oftentimes being tethered can be a great thing.
• 29:10
  But it's interesting to just notice, like in relationship or in our personal development, like, what is it that is holding me back right now and, and being really clear and identifying that because when we can be really, really honest about where we're at, that's the only way that we can come up with a plan moving forward when we're denying the reality of the things that are actually holding us back, we're just living in cognitive dissonance.
• 29:33
  Like we are not actually problem solving.
• 29:35
  We are not actually moving forward.
• 29:37
  But that's when we're unwilling to look at it.
• 29:39
  I was reading, the untethered soul by Michael singer.
• 29:43
  Talks about.
• 29:44
  the thorn and the arm.
• 29:45
  And he said, you know, essentially lots of us go through life with a thorn in our arm and we're trying to protect it and pretend it's not there.
• 29:52
  And we think if I just don't look at it, it'll go away.
• 29:55
  But we still have a thorn in our arms.
• 29:57
  So we're going through life and re.
• 29:59
  But then it's making it so we can't get too close to people because what if they bump it and we have to wear certain clothing, so it doesn't irritate it.
• 30:07
  And this thorn is actually dictating our whole life.
• 30:10
  But if we could just sit with it and look at the thorn in our art and acknowledge that, Hey, this is holding me back.
• 30:16
  This is a tether.
• 30:17
  I need to actually look at that.
• 30:19
  I need to figure out how to address this wound.
• 30:22
  What tools might I need to remove it?
• 30:25
  How can I tend to, how long does it need to heal?
• 30:28
  Once I removed it, what do I need to clean it?
• 30:30
  It's only when we are really actually able to sit and look at it and identify it with honesty.
• 30:36
  That we're able to get that clarity around how to release it and how to actually create that healing for ourselves.
• 30:43
  Love that.
• 30:44
  And I love that book.
• 30:46
  Me too.
• 30:47
  That's one of my favorites.
• 30:48
  I read it every year.
• 30:49
  It's fantastic.
• 30:52
  It is one of those books that is worth revisiting, not all books are, but that books, that book surely is a, an, an annual read.
• 31:00
  Something that I usually do.
• 31:04
  At the beginning of the podcast and I'm going to suggest we do it now.
• 31:07
  As to have three.
• 31:09
  Grounding breaths.
• 31:11
  And the reason I do this is one.
• 31:15
  I love to do it.
• 31:16
  Much more often during the day to ground me in, even sometimes when I get in the car, I'm driving off to do all the things.
• 31:24
  If I take these three breaths, I find that things go better.
• 31:27
  So for our listeners, for you, for me, we're just going to take a pause and take three breaths.
• 31:33
  Right now.
• 31:34
  Here we go.
• 31:40
  One.
• 31:49
  That's two.
• 31:59
  That's right.
• 32:01
  I always noticed such nice shifts after I do that.
• 32:06
  Yeah.
• 32:06
  When I left the timing of that, I know you said you had to get the beginning and want us to do it now, but it was nice for me to like, even just because of this conversation.
• 32:14
  To use that moment to intentionally ground and also intentionally release any of those tethers that are holding me back.
• 32:21
  So that, that timing of that was beautiful.
• 32:25
  Thank you.
• 32:27
  Another thing that I typically do on the podcast, ask my guest, what is your favorite way to heal at the moment?
• 32:35
  And you're not so favorite way to heal.
• 32:38
  And the Y.
• 32:39
  And the why of it.
• 32:41
  Oh, that's interesting.
• 32:43
  Um, I think that currently my favorite way to heal is.
• 32:48
  Just spending time in nature.
• 32:49
  I've just realized I am very much solar powered.
• 32:54
  And I just experienced so much healing, just being outside and being really intentional about my time outdoors.
• 33:00
  You know, I like to spend some time barefoot.
• 33:02
  I like to just be out in the elements and, and be intentional about leading my earbuds at home.
• 33:07
  So I can just be fully present with all of my senses in nature.
• 33:11
  I find that to be.
• 33:12
  Very very feeling.
• 33:14
  I understand that.
• 33:16
  And how about your.
• 33:18
  Least favorite way to heal at the moment.
• 33:21
  So this might sound a little bit.
• 33:23
  Counterintuitive, especially since we're both podcasters.
• 33:26
  But I find that sometimes when I'm really need appealing and I really want to go listen to the podcasts, but that's a little bit counterproductive for me when I'm really in that place of deep need of healing.
• 33:35
  Um, sometimes that creates the passive action for me, where I'm instead thinking about all the things I should be doing, but I'm not actually creating any change for myself.
• 33:44
  I'm not actually sitting with that.
• 33:46
  I find that for me, I'm sometimes using, all of the books and podcasts as a distraction for my pain, even though in my head, I'm saying, oh, no, no, this is me healing.
• 33:54
  It.
• 33:54
  But I'm not actually doing the work.
• 33:58
  Hm.
• 34:00
  I understand that.
• 34:02
  I think that there's just certain times in seasons.
• 34:04
  We're certain things resonate.
• 34:05
  And, and I think that we're just naturally drawn to whatever it is that we need in that moment, you know?
• 34:11
  And so sometimes like, yeah, we might have a bit of resistance around.
• 34:14
  Yeah.
• 34:14
  Breathwork is a funny one because sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it and that is really funny.
• 34:18
  I also.
• 34:20
  And very much in tune with the idea of seasons.
• 34:25
  And I would say personally, I'm coming out of a darker season.
• 34:28
  I truly feel like spring has arrived not only on the calendar, but also in my life.
• 34:34
  This this time for seasons in.
• 34:37
  In life and, you know, equally to being a new mother versus being a mother to an almost team.
• 34:44
  Um, You know, being a woman.
• 34:47
  And our twenties versus being the age that they have.
• 34:49
  Now, I don't talk about my age, but.
• 34:51
  Uh, my chronological age anyway, so, but like going through the years and, looking back and then even looking ahead, I think to myself.
• 34:59
  Okay.
• 35:00
  I've had the seasons in my life that have been dark.
• 35:04
  Right.
• 35:05
  Dark lonely.
• 35:06
  How will I figure this out?
• 35:08
  How will I do this?
• 35:09
  How will I do that?
• 35:11
  Seasoned said can feel all consuming.
• 35:14
  And then I definitely had those seasons of.
• 35:18
  You know, life is great.
• 35:20
  Life is wonderful.
• 35:21
  This is flowing easily.
• 35:23
  That is flowing easily.
• 35:25
  And.
• 35:26
  I like to remind myself that.
• 35:30
  Every season has its own beauty.
• 35:33
  And some of the darker seasons have taught me.
• 35:38
  Some of the best things to apply in my own life.
• 35:43
  And there's a book called no mud.
• 35:47
  No Lotus by, I believe his name is pronounced tick.
• 35:53
  he's a, I believe.
• 35:54
  Uh, I think he died about a year or two ago.
• 35:57
  A Buddhist monk, I believe.
• 35:59
  And in this book, he writes that the beautiful Lotus flower.
• 36:05
  Which is fragrant.
• 36:07
  And.
• 36:08
  People often love this flower.
• 36:11
  Is made possible by the sticky.
• 36:15
  Gross messy mud.
• 36:18
  And I love to think about life that way and remind myself, even when I'm in those, those seasons of.
• 36:26
  Mud.
• 36:28
  That oftentimes a beautiful flower is going to sprout from it in some way.
• 36:36
  What are your thoughts on people who might be listening, who are in a dark time or even in a great time?
• 36:44
  What what's your perspective on this?
• 36:46
  The hard times, the good times.
• 36:50
  Yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on that.
• 36:52
  But I guess if I had to sum it up.
• 36:54
  Yeah, I think just recognizing like this too, shall pass.
• 36:58
  Like it doesn't matter if you in the abundant space or if you're experiencing the lack and the darkness.
• 37:03
  But knowing that this too shall pass, I think it helps me to.
• 37:07
  Navigate the hard times, knowing that, okay, we'll come to an end and also helps you to better appreciate the positive times.
• 37:13
  But also, I love what you shared about the Lotus.
• 37:15
  Cause it also had me thinking about, sometimes It just feels like you're being dragged your crap, right.
• 37:21
  Think about, let's just talk about manure on the fields and how much beautiful growth comes from it.
• 37:27
  And it probably doesn't feel very good.
• 37:29
  To be that field to be tilled and to have your dirt's turned up and.
• 37:34
  Put her on you and all of these things.
• 37:36
  But knowing that.
• 37:38
  Okay.
• 37:38
  But the growth is going to come and it can be so hard to remember that.
• 37:42
  When you're in it.
• 37:44
  I love the example you gave at the seasons, because truly the seasons.
• 37:48
  We know the cycle, we see it, we see the trees lose their leaves.
• 37:51
  We see everything go into hibernation and stillness.
• 37:54
  But during that time of hibernation and stillness, like a lot of those trees are building their root system.
• 38:00
  We can't see the growth, but it's happening under the surface.
• 38:03
  We just don't know it yet.
• 38:04
  And the same is true for us.
• 38:05
  Like oftentimes we guilt ourselves and shame ourselves over those times where we need the stillness and the hibernation.
• 38:12
  And we label it as well.
• 38:14
  I'm just shut down.
• 38:15
  I can't do anything.
• 38:17
  But thinking of those times as no, this is me having a hard reset.
• 38:20
  I can love myself through this.
• 38:22
  This is just me going into hibernation mode so I can come out stronger.
• 38:26
  Like this is where the growth happens.
• 38:28
  This is where the under the surface growth happens.
• 38:31
  And so I love that comparison about those seasons, because that's definitely been true for me as well.
• 38:39
  There's a quote by, I think, um, I don't know.
• 38:43
  Philosopher.
• 38:45
  Loxo or something.
• 38:46
  Everything in nature.
• 38:49
  Is done on time.
• 38:50
  It's something like that.
• 38:51
  Have you heard it?
• 38:53
  Yes.
• 38:55
  And their own season.
• 38:55
  He.
• 38:56
  Right.
• 38:56
  Yeah.
• 38:58
  If we're going to lose our blossoms and that's part of life, like.
• 39:01
  You know, my beautiful orchid, but I love it when it's in bloom, but it's not always in Lim and that's okay.
• 39:07
  Like we give, we give grace to these plants.
• 39:10
  Um, it's okay for them to not always be in bloom.
• 39:12
  And we think for some reason we should always be in abundance.
• 39:16
  We should always be in full bloom.
• 39:18
  But when we look at nature, we can see that no things ebb and flow.
• 39:22
  Like our energy is going to go up and it's going to go down and each one serves its purpose.
• 39:27
  And that's where the beauty is.
• 39:28
  we wouldn't really appreciate the beautiful orchid, if it was always in bloom.
• 39:33
  Right.
• 39:33
  We take the time to invest in it and to wait it out and to know that, oh, this is a beautiful time of growth.
• 39:38
  And also there will be times of that stillness.
• 39:41
  And it's still as an orchid and it's still as beautiful.
• 39:45
  Love that.
• 39:46
  I also think too about the idea of conditions matter.
• 39:51
  I remember when my mother was learning how to grow orchids and she thought it was this really complex in depth.
• 39:57
  I'll never rave or, uh, be able to achieve it act.
• 40:01
  And she had a cousin come over and show her.
• 40:04
  And I remember my mother saying, oh my gosh, it's so easy.
• 40:08
  It's actually so easy to take care of.
• 40:11
  An orchid.
• 40:12
  And, when she learned the conditions that the orchids needed to thrive and not continuously dissolve.
• 40:21
  Into.
• 40:23
  You know what my mother could not maintain.
• 40:25
  Then we have a lot of orchids around the home.
• 40:29
  And conditions.
• 40:31
  Also matter.
• 40:33
  And by this I'm drawing in the seasons again, right?
• 40:36
  So let's say in the winter time, when, you know, there's less light, there's potentially, you know, snow, et cetera, depending on where you live colder temperatures, you're wanting to be at home more.
• 40:48
  Those conditions in winter that send us home.
• 40:53
  Right.
• 40:54
  They send us home a bit sooner.
• 40:56
  They send us into our pajamas and.
• 40:59
  A little sooner.
• 41:00
  Those conditions are important, right?
• 41:01
  So that perhaps let's call it the hibernation period, right?
• 41:05
  The quieter time where root systems are developing something new is maybe percolating underneath the ground.
• 41:13
  Right?
• 41:14
  Um, Traditions matter and as difficult as it might be.
• 41:20
  And I don't always let those hard times, I mean, I'm not always loving on my hard times, but.
• 41:25
  Conditions matter.
• 41:26
  And it's important to, as you say, give yourself grace, give the moment grace.
• 41:33
  Hm.
• 41:33
  Yeah.
• 41:34
  Yeah.
• 41:34
  And those times of winter and hibernation.
• 41:37
  It's such a perfect time.
• 41:39
  To self-reflect.
• 41:40
  Just like how the trace put nuts root system to go inward, to turn inward and do all of that inner work.
• 41:46
  Even though people might not see it from the outside and to recognize that yeah, there is beauty in every season.
• 41:51
  If you're willing to look for it.
• 41:53
  Um, I love that.
• 41:56
  Beauty and every season.
• 41:58
  I'm writing it down.
• 42:00
  If you're willing to look for it.
• 42:02
  And on that note.
• 42:03
  Marianne do you prefer Maryann I've even asked you this, do you prefer Marianne or.
• 42:08
  Yep.
• 42:10
  And do you have a story?
• 42:11
  Is your name.
• 42:12
  I love those stories too.
• 42:14
  Um, family name or not?
• 42:16
  My parents just liked it.
• 42:17
  Apparently.
• 42:18
  There were a lot of Sarah's when I was growing up and they wanted to name me, Sarah, but there were too many in the neighborhoods.
• 42:22
  So they named me Maryanne.
• 42:25
  Looking at that.
• 42:26
  You were unique from the star.
• 42:28
  Your given name like that?
• 42:32
  I love it.
• 42:32
  I love it.
• 42:33
  Marianne.
• 42:34
  Thank you so much for your time today.
• 42:36
  It's been wonderful talking with you.
• 42:38
  I'm going to send people over to your Instagram page.
• 42:41
  Where can people find you?
• 42:43
  Right.
• 42:43
  Well, thank you.
• 42:44
  Yeah, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook at Marianne I thought life.
• 42:49
  and you can also follow my podcast in our work with Marianne Walker.
• 42:52
  If you want to learn more about how coaching might support you on your journey.
• 42:55
  So yeah, lots of ways to find me.
• 42:57
  You know, what else I love about your name?
• 43:00
  Marianne Walker.
• 43:02
  It's like you're walking people through their sayings.
• 43:06
  Well, I love that.
• 43:07
  But think of that.
• 43:09
  No, I never did.
• 43:11
  That Mary and laugher Marianne walking with you.
• 43:17
  I want to keep your podcast name.
• 43:19
  Well, I mean, And have an evolution.
• 43:23
  I am.
• 43:24
  I'm actually, this is my second round with podcasting.
• 43:28
  The first time I did podcasting, it was a very different.
• 43:31
  I guess vibe or feel.
• 43:33
  And I, this is a renaming of my podcasts from my former.
• 43:38
  So maybe that happens for you one day.
• 43:40
  I don't know.
• 43:41
  Maybe I love it.
• 43:43
  All right, Marianne.
• 43:44
  Well, thank you.
• 43:46
  It's been nice chatting with you.
• 43:48
  Bye now.