Latest / Success Matters / Removing the Mask with Thomas Eberts

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Removing the Mask with Thomas Eberts · Success Matters

0:00
The first really important event that I can't track back is my
0:03
mom having cancer when I was six years old.
0:05
I didn't know about it, but my nervous system felt it.
0:08
I was scratching myself bloody throughout the night and I
0:12
didn't even notice. Every time my wife was emotional
0:15
with me brought a concern. I'll take it personal, I'll blow
0:18
up, I'll yell around, I'll leave, I'll come back,
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everything will be fine with me. But she would still be feeling
0:24
like shit. What does a healthy
0:25
communication look like? What do healthy boundaries look
0:27
like? Nobody has ever taught me what
0:30
it means to be a husband, what it means to be a man, what it
0:32
means to be a father. So for a good two years I really
0:37
fucked up everything I could in our relationship.
0:39
In the following 16 months, I went on to the deepest deep dive
0:43
of human psychology of my own human psychology, rebuilt my
0:46
marriage and create and and and build a thriving marriage.
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Well, Thomas, thank you very much for joining me on Success
0:57
Matters We, you've had a very interesting life.
1:01
And let's start actually with your journey growing up in
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Germany and how that affected you and what it made you become
1:10
for a short while. I was born in a small town
1:13
called Borkin in Borkin in northern Westphalia, and I think
1:18
that the the first really important event that I can't
1:21
track back is my mom having cancer when I was six years old.
1:25
I didn't know about it, but my nervous system felt it, meaning
1:29
I developed a condition called neurodermatitis, which is
1:37
basically my skin inflaming itself through the stress that I
1:41
was feeling in my nervous system.
1:43
And for anyone who doesn't know about it, I was scratching
1:46
myself bloody throughout the night and I didn't even notice.
1:51
And I woke up with like bloody insides of my arms and wrists
1:55
due to the stress that I was living through.
1:58
And yeah, that's, that's basically where, where the big
2:01
unfolding of who I am today started with my mom's cancer
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and, and, and her being, yeah, her being diagnosed with cancer,
2:10
my, my parents moving through that together.
2:13
Right. So you were, you were six years
2:15
old. I mean that's quite a lot for a
2:17
six year old to handle, right. And were you scared of losing
2:21
her? Was that really where that kind
2:23
of roots of that neuro dermatitis came from?
2:26
Yeah, I, I believe so. I mean, at the end of the day, a
2:30
mother and a son are uniquely connected, right?
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I mean, the, the, the mother is, is basically the, the closest
2:37
person that that you could ever have as a boy or as a girl as
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well. And my parents didn't tell me
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with six years old. My parents disclosed that to me
2:46
when I was 12. So that happened a lot later,
2:49
six years later. But my nervous system, basically
2:52
the nervous system is is is the system, is our operating system
2:57
that runs our entire body from your breathing through your
2:59
sleep to how you navigate through your day, how you react,
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how you respond, anything. Your nervous system is basically
3:07
the, the, the translator in between your brain and your
3:10
body. So what I believe is that
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energetically I, I do believe that we emit a certain frequency
3:17
energy around us and that when humans come together, their
3:20
nervous systems Co regulate, meaning they regulate together.
3:24
So when somebody's really dysregulated, my nervous system
3:26
tends to be more dysregulated as well.
3:29
So with my mom and my dad moving through a time where my mom was
3:33
diagnosed with cancer, basically the doctor saying Miss Ebert's
3:38
get your will straight because 99.9% you're going to die.
3:43
And my mom being like fuck you, I'm making my own statistics.
3:47
And my mom and dad just sitting outside smoking a whole pack of
3:50
cigarettes and just breaking down entirely.
3:53
Like when you bring that energy home, my nervous system as a
3:56
young boy is very sensitive, is not that strong yet.
3:59
So I did pick up on it energetically and I think that's
4:03
what affected the neurodermatitis as a condition
4:05
itself, because I don't really have it anymore.
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Yeah, I think you're right. Kids pick up on these things as
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particularly kids, right? They're more receptive to it and
4:15
they pick up on the the environment, the growing up in
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the, the, the parental situation, whatever.
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So yeah, that's absolutely makes sense.
4:23
So you, you Benjamin, when we were preparing for this that you
4:26
entered like an emotional void and kind of went, went off the
4:30
rails in in many regards. Yeah, so, so that was Fast
4:34
forward six years. So we're six years old.
4:37
I think we're seven years old. I went into school and then in
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second grade I was quote UN quote, diagnosed, very
4:44
intelligent. I don't know how you call here
4:46
in the States, but but I had to take a test and they literally
4:50
told me I have an IQ of 142 or something.
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So I had to jump a class, skip a class into third grade.
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So I was one year, I was one year younger than everyone else
5:01
in a time where went through puberty and the body started
5:04
changing so quickly. So I was behind with everything
5:06
on my development here in my body, in my physical vessel.
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But up here I was so quick. So why that's important is Fast
5:12
forward to when I was 12 years old.
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I was in 7th grade I believe, and my parents told me, I sat me
5:19
down and told me that my mom had cancer and that she could pass
5:22
away any day and that she has to go back to the hospital and it's
5:25
going to be gone for three weeks for surgery.
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So she had brain cancer on her brain stem.
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So they had to get into her brain again after so many times
5:35
already. And they told me, hey, it could
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be possible that your mom is going to die.
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I'm doing this. And So what my nervous system
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did in my entire body is shut down.
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I completely shut down. I was because my, I think my, my
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system tried to protect itself from the potential outcome that
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my mom is going to die, right? And so this is, this is what I
6:00
say, the emotional void because here mentally and like in in
6:04
this first layer of my mind, I shut down entirely and I didn't
6:07
allow myself to feel anymore. I didn't talk about feelings, I
6:10
didn't cry. I didn't do anything to protect
6:12
myself from the depths of feeling that I had about my mom
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potentially dying. So what that caused is that then
6:21
my nervous system had to take the toll, just like with the
6:24
neurodermatitis, it got even stronger.
6:26
So my immune system got weakened very strongly.
6:30
And then a virus entered through like one of these scratch marks
6:34
that I had on my skin and infiltrated my entire system.
6:38
And it got to the to the point where was able to pull the skin
6:42
off my face in batches like this underneath raw flesh.
6:49
And that PE physical, physical exercise.
6:52
I say. I think you, you, you call him
6:54
in the States or in English. You know, I was running, I was
6:57
sweating, I was burning in my face in the in, in the locker
7:01
room. My, my classmates will be
7:04
bullying me off like, hey, you don't need to look into the
7:06
mirror. You're not going to get any more
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beautiful if you look into the mirror.
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And I went through a really, really tough time because not
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only do they have this condition that we didn't even know about,
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but also my entire school started bullying me, started
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running away from me, started calling me a monster, kicked me
7:22
out in games at first, never chose me.
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So it was like I had to deal with so much.
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I had to deal with my mom having cancer, me having this skin
7:31
condition that made me look and feel like a monster.
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And then I had this reflected to me day in, day out.
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So and that made me emotionally completely shut down of like,
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I'm not going to take in anything.
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I'm not going to put out anything.
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And yeah, to to expand on on one more thing here.
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What, what happened then is then and one morning and I think that
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speaks to to how emotionally shut down I was. 1 morning, I
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came down for the breakfast table.
8:02
I completely broke together and I told my mom and my dad, I
8:06
don't want to live anymore. I want to kill myself.
8:08
This experience is not what I want to live anymore.
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I'm in so much pain physically, emotionally, I can't do this
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anymore. I was breaking together
8:16
psychologically. I was just crying and crying and
8:18
crying. So I'm not going to school.
8:20
I'm not going anywhere. And then my mom said, OK, let's
8:24
do one last attempt. And we were to the skin experts
8:28
3 or 4 times already. She took me again, they took
8:32
tests again. And then after an hour of
8:34
waiting for the test, they said again, we don't know what's
8:37
wrong with you. And then we went back home.
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I didn't go to school. My mom didn't go to work, stayed
8:42
with me home. Obviously, you know, her son was
8:45
suicidal. Like, you know, I'm not going to
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just go to work. And she was there with me.
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And then 30 minutes after we came home, the expert gave us a
8:53
call and said, like, pack the minimum things you can right
8:56
now. You have to get in the car right
8:58
now and you have to go to this specific place in Germany, the
9:01
only ones that can treat what you have.
9:03
I found out what it is. So it was a herpes, herpes virus
9:07
that entered into my system and it was on the way to my brain.
9:13
So I got into the clinic and the people, they're just walking
9:18
into the clinic, they were looking at me as if I was dead
9:20
already. That's how I was looking.
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And I got into the elevator, The doctor pulled me in front of
9:25
everyone, pulled my blood and I passed out just on the floor.
9:28
I fell from the stool, from from the chair onto the onto the
9:31
floor. And I woke up hooked up to
9:33
machines and tubes and all of that stuff.
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And I was in there for three weeks and after these three
9:41
weeks, my, the, the, the skin issue was healed.
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I went through torture, dude. Like they, they put like salves
9:47
and creams and shit on me like day and night.
9:50
And I was looking like a rat man because they put iodine on this
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and all of that stuff. But after three weeks I was
9:57
quote UN quote healed. The skin condition left and and
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my mom told me dude, like if we would have been an hour later,
10:05
you might have died. How about this?
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Wow. So I went back to school
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thinking everything changed because I changed my I'm not
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looking like a monster anymore, so why would they run away from
10:16
me? Nothing changed in my school.
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Everyone running away from me. I was still the monster.
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And yeah, that's that's basically the emotional void
10:25
that I built because then I was broken even more.
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I thought the problem was my skin, how I looked.
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But then I got back and they didn't change, my environment
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didn't change. So I started questioning myself.
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What is wrong with me as a human being that they are still
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running away from me after not looking like a monster anymore?
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Yeah. That's like where where do I
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even begin? That's a very, very deep Thomas
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and I, I think. Well, yeah.
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One of the things that kids are ready, kids are great, but kids
11:01
are also very cruel when they stick a label on you that you're
11:05
a monster. And then no matter whatever
11:07
happens, that label sticks with you, right?
11:09
It sticks with you for those kids that grew up because you
11:12
were in school for life, right. Oh, yeah.
11:14
Do you remember Thomas? We called him the monster.
11:16
Maybe they don't think the same way anymore, but that's that
11:19
cruelty. It really kind of came across
11:22
within that. So how did, because I know
11:24
that's affected also then you as you were going through through
11:28
your life and growing, you know, in your 20s and the like.
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But how did you come to a point where you actually had a moment
11:35
to to change, if you like here, you mentioned a speaker came to
11:38
your school and that was a moment that kind of changed
11:42
things for you. Yeah, yeah, it was a big moment
11:45
of of revelation for me. And leading up to it, I think I
11:48
want to I own a bridge like these three pivotal years.
11:52
Sure of. So when that when when I was
11:55
still being bullied in school, what then happened is my I told
11:57
my parents about and they took me out of school and got me into
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a different school. The first day of going to that
12:03
new school, I was absolutely perplexed because everyone
12:07
started waving at me, smiling at me, talking to me, making
12:10
compliments. And I was like, I was
12:13
overwhelmed and my nervous system was like, I'm not fucking
12:16
trusting anyone. I just can't be real.
12:19
It's it's like day and night. Like before, my character and
12:23
who I was as a human being, my soul, my spirit was faulty and
12:25
everyone was running away. And then I come to that new
12:27
school and everyone is like, hi, I thought everyone was fucking
12:30
fake. And so I went into a deep fear
12:33
mode of like, I don't want to experience again what I
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experienced before. So what I did is I went into the
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I started building a mask like the indestructible if you look
12:47
at The Dark Knight, for example, Batman, The Dark Knight.
12:49
So what I did is I started shaving my head.
12:52
I started wearing clothing that was that was labeled like far
12:57
right. I was going to MMA sports and
13:00
learning how to quote, UN quote, kill people through Wing Chun,
13:04
which is a Chinese martial art. I started taking drugs.
13:09
I started dealing drugs. I started doing all of these
13:11
things that would be labeled as, Oh my God, you want to stay as
13:14
far away as possible from this human being because that human
13:18
being could be dangerous. And I built that mask
13:22
intentionally because I didn't want to be hurt.
13:24
It was not. It was not consciously, but my
13:27
other than conscious mind created this mask to protect me
13:32
from any further pain and be the one that nobody wants to hurt.
13:39
And then to speak to, to what you spoke of like the, the
13:43
speaker coming to our school. So what happened is that so
13:47
that, that, so the, the, the criminal kind of like stuff in
13:51
MMA and all of that happened starting 14 until I was 17,
13:57
until I was 18 and when I was 16.
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So in the middle of that is when the speaker came to our school.
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And So what I wanted to do is just you know, not a tent and
14:08
just sit outside in the park, smoke a big fat as join and just
14:11
sleep and not care about what anyone else is doing.
14:14
But my head of school made me attend and sign something.
14:18
All was expelled from school so I had to go.
14:22
So I was going. I smoked a joint before to just
14:25
sleep in there and man I didn't want to listen to an idiot on
14:28
stage for four hours. Like talking about motivation,
14:31
like my life is shit basically. But I sat there and then this 7
14:37
feet tall guy, A2 meter, a tall guy comes on there with like a
14:42
red headband that says follow your heart.
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And I was like, Oh my God, we're in it for a good one.
14:48
And then he started speaking. Within 20 minutes, he mentioned
14:51
something, I can't remember what it was, but it cracked my heart
14:54
open and I started crying. And I hadn't cried for years and
14:58
years and years because of the emotional void and shut down and
15:02
it just it just cracked open my heart where I was like I tears
15:07
came out rolling and rolling and rolling.
15:08
I could I was feeling all of these suppressed emotion and the
15:12
joint that. Was in a group of people.
15:14
Right. Yeah, yeah.
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Can you imagine me having built that mask and me being high as
15:20
fuck and getting in there and then this guy coming on there
15:23
for 20 minutes? I'm just wailing.
15:26
It was, it was uncontrollable. So then I after I got on stage
15:32
because he invited us on stage if we had questions, not on a
15:35
microphone or anything more in private, but I sat on stage and
15:38
I told him, so his name is Christian, Christian Bischoff.
15:42
So if you on Germany, it's Christian Bischoff.
15:47
So I went on there and said, Christian, this is what's going
15:50
on. I told him everything, how do I
15:52
get out of this? And was looking at me.
15:55
And so you probably expect a really complicated answer, but
15:58
it isn't complicated at all. What you got to do is you got to
16:02
you got to create perspective in your life.
16:04
So you need to think about what do you want to achieve in the
16:07
next 10 years. And you need to write down three
16:10
very specific things and you need to read them out loud every
16:15
morning, three times with confidence, every night before
16:19
you go to sleep, three times with confidence, and your life
16:24
will change. I didn't believe shit of what he
16:27
said, but I did it. And I was so intrigued that for
16:33
the first time in my life, I spent my money not on drugs or
16:36
anything else. I actually bought his freaking
16:39
book on Amazon. And I read that book, 15
16:42
Principles of Life, How to Live a Successful Life.
16:45
I read that book within two weeks, I, I inhaled that book
16:51
and I started living by these principles.
16:53
And over the next two years, what happened is I started going
16:57
a completely different path within my circle of criminal
17:00
friends. So I stopped drinking, I stopped
17:03
smoking, I stopped smoking marijuana.
17:05
And while I did that, what they did is they started taking
17:09
ecstasy, they started taking cocaine.
17:11
They started getting even worse, having guns, firing guns,
17:14
getting more violent. And at some point, I said, like,
17:17
yo, what are you all doing with your lives?
17:21
I'm not going to do this. And that's when I made the
17:24
decision to move away from my hometown to get out of this
17:27
circle, friends, and start my career as a real estate agent in
17:31
the second largest firm in in Germany.
17:34
Yeah. Right this this is quite a
17:37
there's not even childhood, right teenage years.
17:39
It's it's pretty pretty amazing. And as you were talking now, I
17:42
was reminded that we none of us knows what's going on in
17:45
someone's life, right? And we often make judgements
17:48
based on the appearance. As an example, right, You shaved
17:51
your head, you were dressing like a far right person, almost
17:55
like a thug maybe in some regards and dealing. 100% as a
17:59
thug, exactly like 100. Percent, yeah.
18:02
And looking, you know, I can't imagine you like, like a thug,
18:04
right? But yeah, as a teenager, I'm
18:08
sure that's how you came across. So.
18:11
So you moved on to have a very well, we would say successful
18:14
life when we think about some of the metrics that people measure
18:18
in terms of income and mouth. And you were a digital nomad.
18:21
You lived in 26 countries. You've got some great awards
18:24
behind you. Tell us a bit more about the
18:25
awards and and what you were doing having kind of moved on
18:29
from that period of your life. Yeah, So my statement with with
18:36
with the real estate company was pretty bold because I only a
18:40
road to applications, a road 1 to the biggest and 1 to the
18:43
second biggest. And the biggest didn't want me
18:47
because my because my grades were a little bit off.
18:50
And the second biggest invited me and they asked me why I was
18:52
there and said because the biggest didn't take me.
18:54
So you have a chance right now. And they love that.
18:56
They love that boldness. And within that year I was the
19:00
best in school. I had a plus everywhere.
19:03
Like, I don't, I don't know if, if the UK has a similar ranking
19:07
system, but Eins plus one plus. So I was, I was a straight A
19:13
student. I was so good.
19:15
And then in, in, in the company, I was extremely good as well
19:18
because I would always go above and beyond because of what I
19:20
learned in the book. But then after a year, I was in
19:25
a department that was responsible for renovations and
19:30
then making tenants move out so we can increase the rents.
19:36
So I started making phone calls and had to let people and
19:41
families with like 5 kids know like we just renovate it.
19:45
You won't be able to pay the rent because the government is
19:47
taking taking care of your rent. You have to move out.
19:50
And that didn't fly with my heart.
19:52
And so two or three months earlier, I wrote an e-mail to my
19:56
HR and said I want to get into the Department of Law, marketing
20:02
and Sales. That's what I want to learn.
20:04
And they hadn't replied. So and then these two things
20:06
came together and I was like, fuck that.
20:08
I went into the office. I said, I'm quitting today.
20:10
She was like, Are you sure? I said, yes, I'm sure you
20:12
haven't responded to my e-mail. And what this company does
20:15
frankly sucks. So I'm going to do my own thing
20:18
and I'm going to build my own business.
20:19
And it's when I wanted to go to to university.
20:22
And then while I was while I was applying for university, I found
20:26
a digital nomad that was looking for somebody in marketing and I
20:30
started learning marketing on my own to build my, to build my own
20:33
business. Basically I started building
20:35
niche publications online and do affiliate marketing, started
20:38
earning my first money online with like 20.
20:42
And then I got this position and that's when I started traveling
20:45
the world. So you took me my first journey
20:48
was from Berlin to Bali was like a 46 off light for 500 bucks and
20:55
was wild. And then I arrived like in
20:57
Indonesia on Bali men. It's like such a different
21:00
world. And then I really started
21:02
understanding K, what is what is success online about, about
21:05
relationships, about value propositions, about how you
21:08
market yourself, the content you produce, the way you speak to
21:11
your audience, etcetera. And then I went basically from
21:15
20 until 27, I went for seven or eight years on a journey of like
21:20
learning everything about online entrepreneurship, digital nomad.
21:23
And that's where I got these awards.
21:25
One award is missing. So I got featured by Forbes next
21:28
to Jordan Belfort about how emotional intelligence is
21:31
closing more deals. And then the the award to my
21:37
right is a Click Funnels award, which I got in 2020 or 2019 for
21:46
making $1,000,000 with a single sales funnel.
21:48
So webinar structure with paid advertising that we set up for
21:51
one of our clients and then won another word a little bit
21:55
earlier for making the $1,000,000 within 48 hours with
21:58
the company that's called online training.
22:00
Lead sense was over Black Friday and we just absolutely kicked
22:04
it, knocked it out of the park. And I was basically building on
22:07
that success. Then I had build a very good
22:10
crypto portfolio in 2020 that really lifted off, made a good
22:16
six figures in in returns and invested those six figures then
22:21
with an investment fund fund of my friends, crypto hatch
22:25
investing fund and they paid me massive interest.
22:29
I was like, yeah, I was I was living off my interest.
22:32
And then I was able to really travel the world and study with
22:35
indigenous cultures in the Brazilian Amazon and in Mexico
22:41
and, and really learn about life from a completely different
22:44
perspective. Yeah.
22:46
And that's, that's basically, you know, that's the transition
22:49
period and what what I've done since then.
22:52
Yeah. And that's what I was about,
22:54
yeah. Oh, that.
22:56
I mean, that's that's really, really cool.
22:58
But then life changed for you in 2024.
23:02
Yeah, so life actually changed drastically in 2022 and 2023
23:10
because 2022-2023 I came to the States and because I was on a
23:16
visitor visa, I couldn't work, so I had to stop working.
23:19
And I met my wife here. We fell in love online, as funny
23:26
as that sounds, but we had a very strong connection.
23:28
When I heard a voice for the first time, my heart felt at
23:31
home with her instead of crying. So I knew I had to get to know
23:34
this woman. And I invited her everywhere, to
23:36
Costa Rica, where I was working, to Mexico, where I was working.
23:39
Like all of these magnificent places.
23:41
She could never come anywhere. So on Christmas in 2022, I was
23:45
like, fuck it. I'm a go fly over there and I'm
23:47
a go get to know her. I want to get to know this lady.
23:50
There's something important there.
23:52
And so 2023 we got pregnant very, very quickly, within three
23:56
months of us being together. We married because we wanted to
23:59
do things right. We loved each other.
24:01
So we wanted to build that relationship and and marriage on
24:04
a good foundation, having children on a good foundation.
24:08
But nobody has ever taught me what it means to be a husband,
24:12
what it means to be a man, what it means to be a father.
24:17
So for a good two years, I really fucked up everything I
24:22
could in our relationship of like being emotionally
24:25
defensive, reactive of, you know, in arguments, being like
24:29
being the one that is fighting back and was like stupid shit.
24:33
Like stuff that is sometimes it's hard, but stuff that you
24:38
can learn that that would have like prevented that from
24:40
happening. And so September 2024 came and
24:46
my wife sat me down and said, like Thomas, the only way
24:49
forward I see for us is a separated 1A divorce.
24:53
And we already had daughter that was almost a year old by that
24:56
time. And then that shook me to my
25:01
bones because yes, I knew we were not good, but I didn't
25:05
expect us to be at the point where she wanted to divorce.
25:08
And so, you know, I love my family, I love my daughter, I
25:12
love my wife. And that love within my heart
25:16
just kicked my ass so strongly that I turned around everything
25:21
in the in the following 16 months, I went on to the deepest
25:24
deep dive of human psychology, of my own human psychology and
25:28
understanding what it takes for me to actually rebuild my
25:32
marriage and create and, and and build a thriving marriage where
25:36
my wife can find more happiness when my children feel safe, when
25:39
she feels safe. Where emotional Co regulation,
25:42
nervous system Co regulation is a is, is a, is a strong factor
25:46
where I'm able to lead the relationship through masculine
25:50
leadership where she knows she can just like melt into my arms
25:54
and knows that I have her and our family's best interest in
25:57
mind with everything that I do. Recreating physical and
26:01
emotional intimacy again after destroying that for such a big
26:05
part. So I was like huge undertaking,
26:07
but I got it done within 60 months.
26:09
And then we got, and then my son was born this year in January,
26:12
some other age. He was born this year in
26:15
January. And our marriage has never been
26:18
better. Our relationship has never been
26:19
better. And the connection and and and,
26:21
and my connection with my children and, and how I'm living
26:24
my life. It's, it's never been better.
26:27
So as you went through that self discovery exercise, was it kind
26:33
of, was it obvious to you that things that happened in your
26:36
childhood then we're manifesting themselves in a similar way here
26:39
or did it take a bit of time to kind of come to that?
26:43
I'm making assumption here that was the kind of realization
26:46
point of of how it was affecting your relationship now.
26:50
Yes, entirely. I think the the biggest
26:55
realization was my motherhood wound.
26:57
My mother wound because my mother had cancer since she was
27:00
6, my parents told me when she was 12.
27:02
So I always was. My nervous system was built and
27:06
feared to lose my mother, and the closest thing to my mother
27:09
is going to be always my partner.
27:11
Yeah. So the fear of losing my partner
27:15
would make me do things from my nervous system, from my
27:19
operating system would make me do things quote UN quote.
27:21
I don't want to make myself a victim, but unless you are aware
27:24
of your behaviors, it your nervous system does make you do
27:27
things. So yeah, I would replicate like
27:32
these patterns of like fear of losing and doing anything to not
27:35
lose her. But at the same time I would, I
27:39
would see how I, how I had assimilated the patterns of my
27:42
father, who was a very negligent husband and where.
27:47
So basically whenever there was conflict, my father would blow
27:51
up, yell around, slam doors, leave, come back and be OK.
27:58
Every single time I was the exact replica.
28:03
Every time my wife was emotional with me brought a concern.
28:06
I'll take it personal, I'll blow up, I'll yell around, I'll
28:10
leave, I'll come back, everything will be fine with me.
28:12
But she would still be feeling like shit and I had no idea how
28:17
to navigate this. I had no idea.
28:19
What does a healthy communication look like?
28:21
What do healthy boundaries look like?
28:23
What does How does repair look like?
28:25
Hell no, No idea about these things.
28:29
So yes, I did. I did a because at the end of
28:32
the day, once we become men, husbands and fathers, we take
28:38
over the operating system that we observed as a child, right?
28:43
So it's, it's an operating system that we learn by
28:45
observation and we learn by seeing how through body
28:50
language, like our language, I was spoken, verbal language and
28:54
then emotional language, we learn how to operate, not
29:00
successfully, but we learn how to operate in a marriage, right?
29:04
Or as a father, right. And yeah, I, I took these things
29:08
from, from both of my parents and absolutely messed up my, my,
29:12
my marriage in the first two years.
29:15
Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, it's, it's
29:20
great to hear that things are back on track and as they should
29:22
be. You've got a son there.
29:24
You, you're welcomed into this world just a few months ago, so
29:27
congratulations on that. I have a tradition in my podcast
29:31
to ask a previous guest a question for my next guest, and
29:36
1 of this will be interesting because it's a little bit
29:39
different. The previous guest asked, and I
29:42
thought this was a good time to ask it.
29:43
If you could do anything else other than what you're doing
29:46
now, what would that be? Homesteading.
29:54
I would be homesteading. I would build my farm.
29:59
I would. I would build my home with
30:01
natural materials that I can get on that land.
30:03
I would not go outside. I would I would.
30:05
I would build with everything that I have on that piece of
30:07
land. I would start growing food.
30:10
I would start getting animals on the farm, meaning chickens,
30:16
cattle, and then I would Start learning hunting and basically
30:23
make sure that I'm completely off grid with electricity, water
30:29
and food and have enough land for all of my family and friends
30:33
to come over and be there and build with me.
30:36
Yeah, that's what I would do if I couldn't be doing what I'm
30:39
doing right now. OK, why is that?
30:44
What's the attraction of that? Yeah.
30:46
So in 2020, when the world shut down, I went into a very deep
30:51
research of our monetary system and everything else connected to
30:54
it. And there's a deep sickness
30:58
within our monetary system that will make the monetary system
31:03
that we have right now crash in one way or another.
31:06
If we look at the war that's going on right now in multiple
31:10
areas of the world, it's just setting us up for World War.
31:13
So with every World War, there was a shift in power and a shift
31:17
in the leading currency and a shift in economic power.
31:20
And with the shift in economic power and currency, etcetera,
31:23
what what changes the monetary system as well.
31:26
So now this being very parallel to everything happening with
31:31
crypto and, and blockchain and central bank digital coins and
31:39
digital currency and, and things like that, I do have a very
31:43
dystopian outlook on, on what the future holds beyond 2030.
31:48
So what motivates this is to, until 2030, be absolutely
31:55
self-sufficient and not dependent on a system that I'm
31:59
seeing is going to break rather sooner than later.
32:04
Right, OK, All right. I mean that I had a proofs guest
32:09
on who has a similar view and he's he talks about the monetary
32:14
system being kind of on the brink of collapse and, and, and
32:18
the like. Now I'm, I'm no expert in this,
32:20
so I kind of have to take your kind of view on it.
32:23
So as you know, this is called success matters and you've been
32:27
on a real journey. You've been on a like the, the
32:30
highs and lows might make a highs and lows.
32:33
What does success mean to you now?
32:44
Success means to me now to be at peace within my heart.
32:48
And when I say to be at peace within my heart, I mean that
32:53
everything I'm doing in my life feels aligned, feels like
32:58
nothing really needs to change in order for me to live a happy
33:02
and fulfilled life. Of course with ups and downs,
33:05
but the ability to navigate them in a way that feels constructive
33:09
and strong. Success means to me to take
33:13
money out of the center of my life and put family and God back
33:17
into the center of my life. Success means to me seeing my
33:22
children grow in an environment that enables them to become who
33:28
they are destined to be. Success means to me for my wife
33:32
to be able to find more happiness within an environment.
33:36
Success means to me to leave the world a better place.
33:41
Success means to me to do what I love and love what I do.
33:47
Yeah, that's what success means to me.
33:50
Well, that's that's quite a lot of facets to that.
33:53
But ultimately there's what what's in your heart, I think
33:56
right is what was speaking there.
33:58
And that's how how far do you feel you are down that journey
34:03
or be all of these things being aligned?
34:12
I would say I'm, I'm, I'm about 70% there.
34:15
The the last piece that really just needs to fall into place is
34:19
the homestead is the farm. And being completely off grid,
34:21
I'm in preparation. I'm on the last step of it.
34:26
And once I'm there, of course, there's a whole other world of
34:29
things that will open up and that I need to learn.
34:31
But I'm a fast learner. I, I have very good, I have a
34:35
very good sense for, for, for understanding patterns and
34:40
learning patterns and, and modeling patterns and hence
34:43
learning new skills. But yes, I would say I'm, I'm
34:46
70% there. And the last, last piece that
34:48
really needs to fall into place. Actually, two things, one is the
34:52
is the homestead is the off grid farm and then schooling and
34:56
homeschooling because we're building our own homeschool
34:59
homeschooling curriculum right now.
35:02
I'm inspired by Waldorf, Rudolf Steiner, extremely amazing human
35:07
being. So yeah.
35:09
So these are the 2 two biggest things that, that, that need to
35:12
fall in place for me right now in order in order to say, OK,
35:16
I'm, I'm pretty close to success, but I will never be
35:19
100%. So my mind and, and my spirit
35:22
will always find another thing that, that will add on top of,
35:26
of what it needs to be fully successful, right?
35:28
We always strive for the growth, but.
35:31
That's right. We're always growing, right?
35:32
And I think, you know, particularly you strike me as
35:36
someone who will always be looking to expand, right?
35:39
Expanding in whatever fashion that may be.
35:42
So yeah, I don't think you'll ever be a point where you'll
35:44
think, OK, that's it, right? My teacher in the Amazon.
35:48
Yeah, my teacher in the Amazon, he always in the mornings we
35:51
study with him all night long underneath the stars.
35:54
And then in the mornings, you know, when people get sleepy, he
35:57
always says don't get lazy or that they will get you.
36:01
And then that's typically when the sun comes out, we go out and
36:04
plant trees. And he has planted over
36:05
3,000,000 trees in the past ten years on his on, on his land.
36:11
Yeah, with, with all of his, like, disciples.
36:14
And yeah, he always says don't get lazy, Don't get lazy.
36:18
The other day is going to get you, Yeah.
36:21
Absolutely. So, Thomas, do you have a
36:23
question for my next guest? Are your Are your guests
36:31
predominantly men or women? 64% of my guests are women.
36:37
OK. Do you know your next guest?
36:40
My next guest is off the top of my head.
36:42
I can't tell you who my next guest is.
36:45
OK, so let me find a good question.
36:51
Does it make a difference if they're male or female for your
36:54
question? Yeah, for for male I would have
36:57
asked a different question, but now I'm I'm going to take a
36:59
unisex question. OK.
37:05
Oh yeah, that's a good one. What would the world need to
37:09
look like for your children to grow up and be able to unfold
37:19
their full potential? What would the world need to
37:23
look like? What would the world need to
37:25
look like for your children to grow up and unfold their full
37:29
potential? Yeah, to be enabled to to.
37:31
Be enabled. Yeah, to be enabled to unfold
37:34
their full potential, Yeah. I like that word unfold their
37:39
potential because that's like suggested, it's kind of there
37:44
and then you can unfurl it, you know, like, I don't know, just a
37:49
bit of I've got this image in my mind, but I can't describe any
37:53
words. Yeah, it's easy to describe when
37:55
when you know the opposite. Destroying the potentials,
38:01
putting a human being in a box, putting a label on top of the
38:04
head and say this is exactly who you are, what you're going to
38:07
do, who you will be. And the opposite is to let the
38:11
like, like if you look at like a very complex origami and you
38:15
unfold the origami and you find new pieces and new pieces and
38:18
new pieces and new pieces until you get to the core or like, or
38:21
like an onion, for example. And yeah, So that's yeah, yeah.
38:27
So you've already kind of given a description, the homestead,
38:30
the homeschooling. What other things do you think
38:33
would need to be right in the world for your children to be
38:36
able to unfill their full potential?
38:39
So base I, I think basically we need to the system of governance
38:48
on our planet is really rigged, is really rigged is is really
38:51
captured by an intent that is not pro human.
38:56
So if we look at if we look at how our planet is governed, is
39:01
governed in in in the thinking of how can I exploit more and
39:05
make more money? How can I make more, gain more,
39:09
get more, be more, have more influence, more power.
39:13
And I think the governance of our planet needs to change from
39:16
how can I benefit to how can I make everyone else benefit?
39:21
Because if we do that, we will basically change the way we
39:28
operate on our day-to-day and everything that we do.
39:31
And if we do that collectively as a human race, I do think that
39:35
all of the problems we have as a human race right now, we will be
39:38
able to, we will be able to eradicate very quickly.
39:42
And to, to elaborate about something that my mom told me
39:46
when I was 14, she said, Thomas, there is going to be a moment in
39:50
time when the planet is when, when the planet is reaching its
39:56
tipping point of consciousness. There's a, there's a specific
39:59
percentage of people that need to be conscious and aware in
40:03
order for the tipping point to come.
40:04
And what will happen is that the human race will split into two,
40:08
and the one part of this race will die out very violently, and
40:13
the other part of the race will thrive and rebuild what was long
40:17
forgotten. My mom was wild.
40:21
Like, she has read so many books.
40:25
You can only, you know, you can only imagine if you if you're
40:28
battling cancer for 16 years and you were diagnosed to live for
40:31
three months, like that Lady had to do something, right.
40:33
But yeah, so she said that. And I do strongly believe that
40:40
in order for my children and children to grow up and be able
40:44
to unfold their full potential, this change of governance need
40:48
to happen. And I'm making it happen within
40:51
my community, within the people around me.
40:53
And whenever I encounter, how can I get more?
40:56
How can I make more? I'm very strongly.
41:01
I'm confronting that very clearly.
41:03
And it's like, hey, let's look at the other side of the
41:06
spectrum. How can we make each other win?
41:08
Because that way we'll give and multiply rather than take and
41:12
deplete. That makes sense.
41:14
Yeah. It made it makes perfect sense
41:16
to me, the multiply effects of US winning together versus me
41:20
winning ill and you losing because that often is how it's,
41:24
you know, done it. The multiplied rates of win win
41:26
is is vast. So I understand what you're
41:29
saying there, Thomas. We're at the top of our time
41:32
now. It's been a really fascinating
41:34
conversation and thank you so much for sharing the journey you
41:37
went through, especially in your your younger years.
41:41
Yeah, that must have been very difficult at that age to handle.
41:44
And you've had that moment to be able to reflect, which many
41:48
people don't. And let's face it, they carry
41:49
this through with them. So it's been been great if
41:52
people want to get in touch with you to find out more about the
41:55
work you're doing now or just to, you know, get add to their
41:58
network and sense of of the things you do.
42:01
What's the best way for them to get in contact with you?
42:04
There's two ways. The way that's more like
42:07
consuming information of like, hey, how do you fix your
42:09
marriage? How did you rebuild your
42:11
marriage? Like what was the step by step,
42:13
etcetera. I'm writing a weekly newsletter
42:15
that comes out every Monday, sent straight into your inbox
42:19
every Monday evening. They can go to
42:22
thedashintegrated-father.com and sign up for that newsletter and
42:26
get it every Monday for free into the inbox.
42:28
That's number one. And then so that's most like the
42:31
consuming part. But obviously everyone can reply
42:34
and and get into a chat with me. But then the more interactive
42:37
part is following me on sub stack.
42:39
I just recently started a sub stack and I'm writing by week,
42:44
twice a week there. And this is a little bit more of
42:48
an engaging platform where there's the ability to ask me
42:51
questions and get answers. And they're different forms of
42:54
articles where go where write essays about specific topics
42:58
like what we just discussed today.
43:01
Yeah. And and a lot more in depth
43:03
content. So newsletter is consumed within
43:05
5 minutes every Monday and gives you 1 one take away to do
43:09
different from now on that will better your marriage, rebuild
43:12
your marriage, build a thriving marriage in an environment where
43:14
where you find happiness and joy and fulfill fulfillment in your
43:17
marriage. And then the Subs that goes a
43:20
little bit deeper on, on, on, on, on a lot of different topics
43:25
that are related to how to show up as a man in the world.
43:29
What are the skill sets? What, what, what are the values
43:32
to principles I need to embody as a as a man in order to lead
43:35
my life, lead my lead my, my family's life.
43:39
And, and, and what is important for a man in, in the modern
43:43
times? Yeah.
43:45
OK, how would people access that sub stack?
43:48
It's thomasebits.substack.com. If there's a link in the show
43:54
notes, that's good too. Yeah.
43:56
So either way, it's I have a look for Thomas ebits on sub
43:59
stack. If you are not on sub stack yet,
44:02
you can just go to thomasebits.substack.com or the
44:05
newsletter is the Dash integrated-father.com.
44:08
OK, we'll put the links into the show notes for for this episode.
44:12
So thank you once again, Thomas, for taking part in Success
44:14
Matters. Yeah, it was.
44:16
It was a great pleasure talking to you, Sanjay.
44:18
You're very gifted in what you do.
44:19
I appreciate you. No, thank you.
44:23
To find your success, contact me at
44:25
info@successmatterscoaching.com. That's
44:28
info@successmatterscoaching.com.