Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 217. Sexual Rejection In Marriage: Let's Talk About It

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217. Sexual Rejection In Marriage: Let's Talk About It · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Before we jump in and get started, we are talking in this episode about sexual rejection on both sides.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: We understand it happens.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Women get sexually rejected and men get sexually rejected.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: If we're referencing something a man's needs or what, have you recognized that?
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: We are talking about how this goes both ways.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: We'll try to do that, but we understand that it does go both ways.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: We're not always just the men that are getting sexually rejected, but that's often the case.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: That's more of the majority of the case, more of the majority, yes, but it's happening to women a lot too.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: So when we're talking about it, just recognize we're also referring to if there's a woman with a strong sexual desire that is getting rejected from her husband.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: That also is in play as well too and you hear us talk about this in previous podcast episodes with there being a high desire spouse and a low desire spouse, and really this imbalance can really cause a lot of disconnect and even potentially lead to divorce.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: I mean, one of the big reasons for divorce has to do with sexual dissatisfaction or sexual infrequency.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: So this is a very important subject and a very important topic to talk about, and I know there's a lot of people out there probably rolling their eyes and thinking, oh, my spouse just wants sex, because he wants sex and it's not really a need.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: It's a want.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: But hopefully, after this podcast episode, hearing some of the comments other people have shared in videos and things like that, you'll recognize that sex really is a need.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not physically going to die from it, but your marriage will die.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: If you don't have that balance in your relationship, your marriage is not going to survive.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: If there is a high drive spouse.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: If there is a high drive spouse.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Correct yep.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I'm sure there are marriages out there where both people don't have a drive and they probably are fine.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: But if it's important to one person it's probably going to kill the marriage.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: If the other spouse doesn't think it's important.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: And we say that often like we don't always have to understand the reasoning behind why something is important to our spouse.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: But if you're truly love your spouse, if something is important to Amy, even if it's not the highest on my priority list, if it's important to her, then it's going to be important to me because I want to show her how much I love her, and vice versa.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Should be.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: So do we want to dive in?
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: I think, I think, let's.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: We do talk about this a lot and you're like, oh my gosh, sexual intimacy again, emotional intimacy again.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: We are going to focus on emotional rejection in our next podcast episode.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: So, if you're, we're not just wanting to focus on the sexual rejection, because emotional rejection hurts just as much or more or equally to other spouses, so I think that's of equal importance.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: We're just going to focus on sexual rejection in this one, right yeah?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: And if you've heard of the heard the previous podcast I don't remember exactly what episode it is, but we talk about the, the game being played in marriage, and this happens a lot of time in marriages where if, and let's just say that the husband keeps getting sexually rejected, he stops providing the emotional intimacy, so the wife feels emotionally rejected, so she stops really providing or wanting to have anything to do with sexual intimacy, and that that marriage just starts growing apart and apart.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: It's almost like a magnet, you know, that's getting repelled or turned around where you literally it's so tough to put those together and that marriage is just going to get further apart.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: There's going to be bitterness and from a husband standpoint, he's going to say why am I going to provide the emotional if she doesn't care about my needs and the wife's feeling the opposite?
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Why am I going to provide that if he's not meeting my needs and it's she's not meeting my needs?
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: Sorry, and it's.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: It's such a common thing that occurs in marriages and I think most marriages have dealt with this or seen this happen.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: So but let's, let's before we jump in, though it's easy to cut off the emotion, it's not easy.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: It happens the emotional intimacy get cut, gets cut off.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Like you said, it turns into a game.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: But there are.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: The thing that makes the sexual intimacy so easy to get cut off is because with sexual intimacy, there's so many things that play into that.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: It could be disrespect, it could be resentment, it could, it could be boredom, it could be depression, it could be addiction, it could be higher priorities, it could be loss of libido, it can be the disconnection in the marriage, because there's, if you really start thinking about it, rejection with sexual intimacy.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: There's like a hundred things that can cause that to not be prioritized right.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: And usually when emotional intimacy yeah, those things like absolutely affect emotional intimacy too.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: But if any of those things like sexual intimacy, is that like most vulnerable act in marriage right, the most vulnerable, and for most women like they're not even going to go there if the relationship isn't going super well and they're feeling super connected already, which is important, but that's the case.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: So you've got all these things that can get in the way and that's why rejection with when it comes to sex is so strong.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Well, and I will say this I don't know what the stats are, but if you look at couples that have a good, healthy and happy marriage, like hands down across the board, they are having sexual intimacy more often, Unless there's a health issue or something.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: But people that have good marriages are connecting sexually all the time.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: And they're both enjoying it.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: And they're both enjoying it.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: And I don't think people realize how important sex, like Amy said, plays a role in the happiness in a marriage.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: Again, if you look at the most common reasons why people get divorced, the top one or two always comes down to a problem with sexual frequency or not being fulfilled sexually.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: I just again, I think we don't recognize how important sexual intimacy plays in marriage and I think that's one of the reasons why people use sex maybe sometimes as a weapon to get what they want or punishment, like if things aren't going perfect in the relationship.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Then the first thing that usually typically gets cut off is sexual intimacy, and I know a lot of spouses use that and recognize how important sexual intimacy is, especially to a husband.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: But it goes both ways.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: But they know how powerful that is, they know how bad their spouse wants that and so that is used as a tool or a weapon, so to speak, again to manipulate the relationship or get what they want or withhold it for punishment or things like that.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: There really is such a fine line, though, to making sure your marriage is respectful and loving and emotionally strong, and having that healthy balance versus withholding and it turning toxic right.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all about finding that healthy balance, that sex really is connecting and loving and uniting for the both of you, so yeah, for sure it's a hard topic in every marriage.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I mean we've struggled with it, we've played the emotional sexual game.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I mean sometimes if I'm withholding for any reason, he starts withholding it and it actually goes opposite with us.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: It's like you, you're like super awesome when you're wanting it, like it's just it changes because the emotions are so strong with connecting in a marriage right, like if one person is a high drive and another is lower, that like can really throw you off easy.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And so we're just coming from an aspect of.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: It's happened to everyone, it's happening to everyone.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: It's a really hard balance to find and it can turn into a you give first, or men all give, or you know what I mean.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I think, like as humans, we get stubborn.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: We're stubborn humans.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: We want our needs fulfilled.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: When we're not getting our needs, we have a hard time giving, and that's what really.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: What marriage is all about is not being selfish, which is hard for everybody.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Well, I think so often the higher desire spouse sorry, the lower desire spouse just assumes we only know what we feel, right, like I don't know what's going on in Amy's head and her body, I don't know how she feels like, I can only assume based upon the way she's reacting to things or the way she's telling me.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: But so so, as men like, or I should say, the lower desire spouse, all they know is that they don't crave sexual intimacy.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: So in their mind, I think they think well, I don't desire it, therefore it's not that important.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: My spouse must feel the same way Because I don't crave it or desire it.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: They must not crave it or not crave it or desire it, right Like we don't really understand how our spouse really feels.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Well, we'll never know how our spouse feels unless we listen to them and actually care right.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Like so in our marriage.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: If, if Nick goes a certain amount of days, I can tell that he's starting to get, how would you?
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: What would you say?
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I don't want to put words in Maybe describe you in the wrong way.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: No, no, I'll totally say it.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: So if I yeah, if we go a few days, I like multiple days.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I start to feel like, oh man, she like doesn't want me, she doesn't desire me, she doesn't crave me.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: What's wrong with me?
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: And?
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: then like another day not that this happens very often, but like another day, you, you kind of get a little more.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say onry, because Nick doesn't really get onry, but I can tell he's a little more on edge.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no question.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Is that the right way to say it?
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: And I know Nick.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I've never been a man so I can't say what he's feeling, but I do know him well enough after almost 22 years that he is a very good and loving and he doesn't get upset easy.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: So when I can tell that he's getting on edge, that's not him naturally.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: So I know that that's affecting him physically because that's not him.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: So I have learned to say okay, I can tell how you feel, I can tell what this is doing to you, like I can feel that, like I'm in tune with that.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: And so to me, even though I don't understand, like what it's like to have a major high drive and to need that physically, I can tell that's doing something to him physically and I know that that needs to be important in our relationship and it goes both ways, in different ways.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: And I want to bring up a point that I think a lot of men and some women are going to shake their heads as well, too is sexual rejection doesn't mean that you pursue and then you get rejected.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: Yes, that is one form of sexual rejection, but I think for a lot of people sexual rejection also feels like if you just feel like your spouse isn't interested.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: So if we go five or six days and Amy's just not seeming interested, even though I'm not technically getting rejected because I haven't pursued it, I still feel rejected because I feel like, oh, she isn't desiring me.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: Therefore that's another form of rejection, right?
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: So I think we need to remember, too that rejection isn't for the high desire spouse doesn't just look like, oh, I wanted to try to make love and they rejected me.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: It sometimes can feel like we're being rejected if there's no initiation or anything on the other side.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: Now, having said that, what happens to a lot of higher desire spouses when they feel rejected is they just stop even trying.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: I think for a lot of high desire spouses it's more hopeful to get rejected than to not even try at all.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: And so what happens is high desire spouse will say, oh, I'm not even going to try anymore because rejection is too hard.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: And still they stop trying, they stop initiating, they just completely start withdrawing emotionally and rather than even pursuing it anymore, they would rather not get rejected than even try to get moved forward in that direction.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: And I think what you brought up about your other spouse the spouse that's not initiating you got to be careful about feeling rejected or sensitive about that.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm just coming from someone without a desire I'm not going to think of sexually.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: My body doesn't tell me to think of it, naturally.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: So if the other spouse is feeling some kind of rejection or hurt because I'm not thinking about it or desiring it, they need to be careful with their feelings.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: And if they're feeling a certain way, instead of cutting something off or not being emotionally connected or doing little things for their spouse, you've got to talk about it.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: And I think that's where communication comes in.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Because if Nick's feeling a certain way and he's like I can't believe she hasn't initiated in a week, yeah, that's not going to happen for someone that doesn't think about it.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Like my body is not telling me that I need that, like his is right.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: Correct Is that what you're saying.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: So that's never going to happen for me.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: I could probably go a month and I don't think my body would ever say I need it.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: It sucks.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I know I'm working on it, but for someone who doesn't have a drive and yes, they're curious, we've talked about in that previous ones but someone that doesn't have that natural drive is not going to happen and maybe they show it in other ways.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: And this is where you can talk about loveliness.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Is there other way to express love or other ways to show affection?
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: You know, if one person is not naturally ever going to initiate, the sex talk has to be very important.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: So, Amy, like Amy said, you have to talk about it.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: Number one, and without jumping ahead too much, you can have scheduled sex.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, that really takes away the issue of one spouse wondering are we ever going to have sex?
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: Right, and it takes away the rejection standpoint and things like that too, which we'll get more into.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: But I want to circle back and just ask this question Imagine what would happen if you didn't communicate with your spouse for a couple of days, a couple of weeks or even a month, If your spouse didn't communicate with you for a period of time, whatever that is.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: How would that make you feel?
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Would you feel loved?
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: Would you feel important to him?
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: Would you feel rejected?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I would think the marriage was over.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: I literally would be like this is not a marriage.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: If you went a week, even just a week, even if you went three days without speaking to me, well for us one day.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: But, like some, couples don't see each other or aren't big talkers, but if we went a couple of days without speaking to each other, I'd be like something is not okay If I just didn't talk to you for a few days.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: No, not okay, and if it went a week, I would be like we must literally be at a breaking point.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: So what I'm saying is, even though that's a way of kind of being emotionally rejected, that is the way that the high desire spouse feels with sexual rejection, if you're not connecting in that way, because most men and some women feel love through that physical touch, that sexual connection.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: But I would hope the other spouse would say hey, you haven't spoken to me in a couple of days, or a day or a week or whatever that time that you're bringing up right you haven't.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Can we talk about why and what's going on between us?
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly, because other person might not be a talker.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: No, you're exactly right so it all comes down to.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: If there is an issue there, it needs to be discussed.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Why.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Why is this not a priority?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: It is to me.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Do you think we could try harder?
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: And I think a lot of marriages feel this way too.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: So let's say you're sitting around, just just browse in your phone and but yet you sexually reject your spouse.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: You sexually reject your spouse but you have the time and energy to browse on your phone to look at social media or whatever the reason you're doing.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Imagine how that makes your spouse feel that, oh, you have time or you have the energy to sit on your phone or the attention to watch social media or do these things, but I'm so disgusting that you don't want to be intimate with me.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: Right, like I think that's the way a lot of people feel and look at rejection is you'd rather do this than spend time with me, and that can be really.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: I mean, that can be a big blow to I don't know just your confidence level and that's why it's so important to talk about this, because if someone's picking their phone or social media for an hour and a half and then they can't spend 20 nights connecting, intimate 20 minutes nights 20 minutes connecting intimately, then they're probably number one not enjoying being intimate or there's a disconnect deeper in the relationship that needs to be fixed.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: That takes putting your phone down, fixing the disconnect first right and then figuring out how to enjoy, enjoy sex so it's literally feels good for both of you.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: Because for a lot of women that don't take the time or men mostly women that don't take the time to get to another body to figure out what they enjoy, to keep sex exciting and fun, they're going to reject it.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: If one person's like acts like it's all about them.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe the husband hasn't taken the time to help her climax every single time, like if she's not having an orgasm every single time she's not going to want to be intimate.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry yeah right absolutely not going to happen, like you have to make that super enjoyable for both people.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Both people need to have to be able to look forward to that.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: It's got to be awesome for both people.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: That's that's one of the major steps to picking being intimate and really prioritizing timing.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Your day is.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: It's got to be great well, what you're talking about is so important is finding the the barrier that is keeping you from having the sexual intimacy you both desire, absolutely like.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: What is the barrier if you don't, if you aren't craving to be intimate with your spouse, why?
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: Why are you not craving that?
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: Are you spending too much time on social media?
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: Are you um?
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: playing your video games?
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Are you picking your friends?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Are you too tired because of your kids, because you sign them up for too much crap?
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: it's all the stuff we talk about yeah, and if there is a low libido or a concern there, get the help that you need, because it's not just it's not just about you, it's about both of you.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: You're you're a couple.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: You're you're one.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: You need to work together.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: That is the whole thing about marriage.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: That is is awesome and amazing.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: It's about serving each other.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: It's about often doing things that maybe isn't our favorite thing to do, but we we serve our spouse and do things because we know what's important to them.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: That's what it's all about is give and take.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: Now we're not implying that, oh, you just have to have sex every time your spouse wants to have that sex.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: We're not saying that at all.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: But you gotta, you gotta find a balance.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: There is give and take in everything absolutely.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I just wonder how many people in our audience like when you, when you get engaged, how many of you got engaged and said yes and were excited to get married and literally thought that once you were married, your spouse just shouldn't ever ask for sex?
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Like nobody.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Everyone gets married because they want to make out, they want to make love, they're passionate, they're excited to have this romantic partner and they're this romantic person your partner in life, your best friend in life, your spouse.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: Like they're they, you go into marriage wanting that right expectations expectations that it's going to be romantic and passionate.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: You're not just getting married because you're like, oh, I found someone, I guess we'll just go create a life together, like it's always passionate, so that's the entire thing is like nobody signed up your, your husband, didn't sign up, your wife didn't sign up for a roommate.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: So we have to take commitment to another level.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: That means taking care of each other's needs, and they're both equally important.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: So finding those barriers, like you said, is part of being a committed married person yeah, absolutely I tell me what you want me to read our polls yeah, let's get in there.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: But I wanted to just point this out real quick too.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: Um, there are a lot of things that sex does emotionally, physically, mentally, uh, for a man or for a woman, and I want to read one of our polls that we took.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: But we, we asked husbands, but this could also apply for, uh, wives as well, if they're the higher-desire spouse.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: But does making we ask the question, does making love help you feel less stress and more confident?
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Right, and so many things.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: In marriage, our well-being is focused around being less stressed, more confident, um, and 97% said yes that making love helps them feel less stressed and more confident.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: Sex is so much more than just a physical act.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: It it.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: There's so many benefits, uh, for both the emotional well, for the emotional well-being as well.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: It's a way to connect.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's a way to, like I said, get stress, um out of your life.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: It's a way to feel more confident.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: It's a way it's the most vulnerable way to connect.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: As Amy said, there's nothing more vulnerable, and so the way connecting through sexual intimacy is a very, it's an amazing experience.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: It's a stress reliever, it builds confidence.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's so many, so many other benefits to connecting sexually for sure let's, let's.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: I love you know.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: We have a video going viral about this exact subject sexual rejection and we've gotten so many great comments.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: Let's, let's, maybe read a couple of those and talk about those okay.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: So the question I asked on this video is why on earth do some spouses think that it's okay to reject their spouse sexually over and over and over, yet they would never be okay with their spouse rejecting them emotionally?
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Can anyone answer this?
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: First, of course, emotional intimacy comes first.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time and it's most important to have a loving, respectful and honest relationship.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: But when marriage is good and healthy, it isn't okay to reject constantly, and the keyword there is constantly you're not feeling good if you're sick.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: I mean there's always times to read where rejection is okay if you do it nicely, you know oh, I love but it's how you but I'm talking about constant rejection, like that's what's hurting couples is constant rejection, like nobody got married to be constantly rejected, and that's why I asked that there is no wife out there.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: If, if emotional connection is what you need in the marriage, you're not going to be okay if your spouse rejects you, rejects you okay, let me say the word rejects you emotionally, like that's not, that's not okay.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: So it's interesting to me that's what we're trying to answer here is why do you think it's okay to reject constantly sexual intimacy when you don't wanna be rejected either?
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: So Well, I love how you said.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: It's also the way you reject right Absolutely Like, instead of just saying, oh my heck, you wanna make love again.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: All you ever wanna is sex.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: All you ever wanna is sex, instead saying, oh, you know what.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: I'd really like to connect as well.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: I'm not really feeling well tonight.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Could we make love tomorrow, or could we make love in the morning?
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: What do you think your spouse is gonna do there?
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: They're gonna be the happiest person in the world, so they're gonna understand too.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: They love you.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: It's the way you do it.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: If you're not feeling good, your spouse is gonna be like well, I don't wanna make love if you're not feeling good.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: I love you Like.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: I want you to be into it.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: This is for you too, right.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: That's a healthy marriage.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: So no marriage is perfect.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: But if your spouse is trying their hardest and is loving and kind and hardworking, why is intimacy being rejected over and over?
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: So we got tons of comments and I'm just gonna read a few of them.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: One answer was slight generalization here, but bottom line we men need sex.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: Without it, Emotional bonding isn't going anywhere.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Women, on the other hand, need that emotional bond before they want to have sex.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: So sometimes it turns in to a stalemate situation.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, talk about that all the time.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: That's the game, the toxic game, where you have to go first.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: I'm not giving in unless you're.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not getting what I need, so I'm not gonna give your needs.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Like, if you have that attitude in your marriage, you're gonna wreck all the areas of intimacy, right?
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and instead of letting those things repel you and growing further apart, just sit down and say just sit down and have a conversation and say what can we do to be better?
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: What do you need from me emotionally?
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: And here's what I need from you, and have that important conversation and find that balance.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Exactly, and here's another comment that goes along with that.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: It says chicken or the egg.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: If I will only ever get rejected, why would I feel hurt?
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: Emotional bucket first.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: I keep hearing this husbands, you have to do your part first, then the sex will come.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Except the sex doesn't happen in some marriages.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Why would a husband continue to do his part first and only to be laughed at, emasculated every time he initiates sexual intimacy?
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: It hurts, right.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: Oh, it totally hurts.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: It's same thing, like why would your husband keep continuing to do all the fulfill all of your needs, or a wife, if you're never, ever gonna fulfill their needs?
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Like it, yes, in marriage it's like give, give, give, give as much as you can, but there comes a point in any marriage I don't care who you are that you can only give so much until you need a little bit back right, absolutely.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Like if Nick just cut off my needs, I would probably get to a point where I'm like I can't live like this anymore.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: This is not a marriage right.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: It's not a marriage yeah, totally agree.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: If you got married to have a happy marriage, you're not gonna just wanna settle for a marriage.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: You want a happy marriage.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: Another comment we got was how can I emotionally connect with someone that rejects me all of the time?
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Same thing, same thing.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: I agree 100%.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: A lot of men on here like to blame, and no doubt you may have a valid point, but it's very unlikely that any issue is completely the fault of one side or the other.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: What are you doing wrong or what can you do to make it happen?
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: This is a comment For me.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: It's brutally honest about what's going on, what my thoughts are and how I truly feel.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: This isn't easy.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: You take a chance on getting hurt and or hurting her, but it needs to be said.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: The short-term pain becomes long-term happiness, in my experience.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: I like that comment because it's all about communication.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: What he's saying is a lot of men are like she won't give me a sag, she just rejects me all the time, blah, blah, blah.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: What he's saying is like it's really, really hard, but you have got to have this conversation with her.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Whether it hurts her or you get hurt, it has to be said and the short-term pain becomes long-term happiness.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: And I wanna point out that I don't think if the conversation's brought up the right way and it's a conversation expressing how you feel, then no one should ever get hurt.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: It shouldn't be a hurtful conversation.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: No, it shouldn't, it should be important Exactly.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: To both people right and regardless of what happens or what you think, whether you agree with how your spouse feels or not.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: If it's done in the appropriate way, then there shouldn't be any hurt in it.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: And that comes down to how you communicate.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: When there's blaming, when there's finger pointing, your spouse is gonna wanna run and hide and not talk about it.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: But when you come into a conversation that's really, really important, like sexual intimacy and marriage, it's about how you approach it, how you communicate it, the tone of voice you use, not pointing fingers.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: It's about this.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: This is a really big deal in our marriage.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: We need to discuss this.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: This is how I feel.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: How do you feel?
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Talk about?
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's figure out what the barrier is.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: Like we talked before, like there's good, healthy ways to talk about this.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: The next comment we got is you've missed the point.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: Men are not removed emotionally first.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: That happens, well, after the rejection becomes commonplace.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Building back that emotional connection is a reward for her.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: She doesn't see the importance of her role in the relationship.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: She doesn't understand how her role is pivotal, necessary and life-giving.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: She has been told that sexual intimacy is for building a family only and not for sustaining or maintaining or growing a healthy relationship.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Sex might be bad in her mind.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Pleasure through sexual intimacy might be pointless, she might believe.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: To fix this she must put in the work to reprogram her thought process and for your mind to grow with her spouse and this can go the other way around to a husband.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: Pretty much what that comment is saying is that it really does come down to your mental and your brain process about how positive sex is for the marriage and with the women that have the higher drives that are getting rejected by their husbands sexually, same exact thing.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Like you have to talk about why sexual, being sexually intimate with each other is so important to you and the deeper reasons for that right, because it's not just about sex.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: What's amazing, too, is it really is amazing how many messages we get from women saying I just want so badly to be sexually intimate with my husband.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: If they weren't the woman you would never know.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: You think you were listening to a husband, but how badly they want to be desired, how badly they want to be sexually intimate with their husbands and have that connection.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: So I don't think it's really any different for men and women in a lot of cases, because there are a lot of women that have those same desires.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: And have the stronger sex drive.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna end with this comment because I can't read them all, because there's a ton, but this I can't tell.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: I think it's a man.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: You can't reject your spouse constantly and consistently without issues.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: In marriage, you either grow together or you will grow apart.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: It's just that simple right.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: It really is, yeah.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: It's just that simple.
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: You're either growing together in love and intimacy or you're growing apart.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: You're gonna choose in your marriage whether you want to both give in to each other's need, not give in to enjoy each other's needs, talk about each other's needs, learn why their needs are important and vice versa, and want to care about each other's needs, and not even just about your spouse's needs, but how those needs become your needs, like why?
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Why are their needs so much different?
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, maybe that's what we need to work on is why is this such a need of yours and not mine?
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: How do I get this to be a need and find that balance to make it a little more close right?
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Well, I was gonna say Amy and I are a perfect example of what we're talking about.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: I have a very high Not that we're a perfect couple.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: We have issues.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I'm not saying that at all.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: What I'm saying, though, is as far as sex goes and sexual desire.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: I have a very high drive.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: She has a very low drive.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: Yes, we are a great example of this.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: So we're the kind of couple that most likely you would see that I'm always initiating and she's always rejecting and things like that.
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: But that doesn't happen in our relationship, because we've really learned to talk about things and she understands how important sexual intimacy is to me and I really try to meet her emotional needs and other needs as well too, and we have an understanding or we constantly are talking about how we're feeling and how important this is.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: And so what I'm saying is for the majority of couples out there where there's a high desire spouse and a low desire spouse, instead of just thinking, oh, we can't make this work because the desires are completely different, we're here to tell you that you absolutely can make it work, but it requires constant communication and talking to each other and expressing how you feel and, as we said, another great thing is scheduling sex when we're not talking about writing.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I promise we're not talking about writing it on the calendar.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: We have never written it on the calendar, right Correct?
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: When we talk about scheduling sex, it's more like hey, maybe in the morning.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: Hey, let's make love after date night tonight.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: It's something like that, like it's getting it in our mind that we're gonna be intimate later.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: That's what we're talking about.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but for some people it might be saying, hey, every Tuesday night we're gonna make love, right?
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: That can turn into a chore, though Like I can see where that just becomes a I gotta get it over with tonight.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Like it's definitely important to keep it spontaneous.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: Still prioritize it right.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: Whatever works in your marriage, no question.
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, figure out whatever works.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: I mean, different things are gonna work for different couples.
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: But the point I'm trying to make is, if you have a high desire spouse and a low desire spouse, instead of just saying oh, that sucks and we're not going to be able to make this work, don't buy into that.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: There are ways to make it work.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: Even though Amy doesn't have that high desire, once we start making love, it's something that she can really enjoy and I think mentally and correct me if I'm wrong but I think mentally she knows that it's something that she's learned how to enjoy.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: So it's one of those things where in her mind she thinks well, even though I don't have those desires to drive me to that point, I know that once we get going, I'm going to enjoy it and it's gonna be a wonderful experience.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: And that's the key is that the emotional intimacy is already strong.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: So I'm willing.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: So to be willing means that your marriage is in a good place and you're willing to be intimate right, and that's very important.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: And that doesn't always take like a ton of work, that just means maintaining your marriage so that it's healthy.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: And one of the ways we figured that out is Amy said go, I know being sexually intimate is enjoyable for you for 20-30 minutes, like it's feels good to you the whole time.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: To me it only feels good for a matter of you know, 15 seconds or whatever it is.
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: So what we tried to do in our relationship is say how can we make it more enjoyable for her the whole time?
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: And that's where we found a tool that has been a game changer for us in our marriage.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: It may not be for everyone, but for us it's awesome, because now Amy's like man, I feel good the whole time, like when we're being intimate, right, or at least a lot longer, yeah.
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: And so that's how we resolved it in our relationship is we found something that kind of filled that void, so to speak, that made it a lot more enjoyable for her.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: The key is really it just comes down to and we'll end it here is maintaining a positive marriage, maintaining a positive attitude about sex.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: If you don't have one, fix those barriers.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: Figure out how to enjoy it with each other to and I'm not just talking like intimately and connectively and uniting, I'm talking like physically, like physically enjoying it together, making sure both of you are physically enjoying it.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: Which is why we created the app to help you find positions, to help you try to find techniques that will help you enjoy it physically, because it's not supposed to just be bonding and uniting.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: It's supposed to feel good to for both people.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: So when you figure out those barriers that are keeping you from from wanting to be intimate, that changes everything, yeah absolutely so.
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: Bottom line if you're in a relationship where you're feeling sexually rejected, there's two things you need to do.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: Number one you need to talk about.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: You need to sit down, communicate and talk about how you feel and try to figure out what barriers are keeping you from having the sexual intimacy you want.
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: Find out the why.
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: If you don't know the why, you're never going to be able to deal with that sexual rejection.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: So communicate, find out the why and we hope this can really help you find better balance in your sexual intimacy in your relationship.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: And if you are just like there are so many barriers in our way right now, like you just don't even know where to start.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: This is literally why we created the sexual intimacy communication workbook slash course that we have on our shop.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: It's literally 26 pages.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: There's like what 14 or 15 different topics that go through all the barriers keeping you from having amazing sexual intimacy.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: Like like listing them out, having like rating your marriage, asking each other questions on every single topic and figuring out where are we struggling?
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: Why are we struggling?
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: What is keeping us?
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: What is keeping us physically, what is keeping us emotionally from wanting this?
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: What is keeping us?
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: All those different areas and barriers?
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: Why are we on such a different level when it comes to sexual intimacy?
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: And we created that I mean the two of us with some experts how to figure out, how to talk about it, how to ask questions about it and really dive into the discussion about sexual intimacy and how to find a better balance in your marriage.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: We hope you'll check it out if it's something you need.
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and if it's dealing with, if you think it's the sexual intimacy that's keeping you from having more sexual intimacy, then we have the sexual intimacy marriage work.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: But if you feel like it's an emotional thing that's keeping you from having the sexual intimacy you want, then we have the emotional intimacy work.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: But so you can check that out at shopultimateintimacycom.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: And we hope all of you enjoyed the podcast today and until next time we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.