Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Very Special Middle Ages: Siblings, Bikes, and Do-overs | Ep. 48

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The Very Special Middle Ages: Siblings, Bikes, and Do-overs | Ep. 48 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:17
  Cheryl: Hi gal.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: How are you doing?
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Hi, doing good.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: Glad to be here.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:22
  Cheryl: And Ellen's lot here.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Oh, I knows that.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: you know, so she texted she's on her way here.
• 1:30
  Cheryl: She was at natural grocers and went out and had a flat tire.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Oh man.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: You know, and got those, the nitrogen filled tires.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: So you just can't have someone come and put a bunch of air in it.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so, We're gonna miss her.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:47
  Cheryl: Oh, we do.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Alan.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: We're missing you.
• 1:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:50
  Danae: So I'm really excited you guys to dig in and talk next week about the podcast that Dr.
• 1:57
  Danae: Stevens did on adolescent.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:00
  Cheryl: Well, that'd be fun.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: There's mm-hmm, so much, I mean, mm-hmm, when I'm sitting here in this room talking with him, mm-hmm he just has so much and I go, okay, Kelly, that one phrase we could talk for an hour.
• 2:13
  Christie: He is forever talking me down for my fears.
• 2:17
  Christie: yeah.
• 2:18
  Christie: So good.
• 2:18
  Christie: So good.
• 2:19
  Christie: Cuz yeah, the fear is real and, and it's bringing a perspective that's realistic is helpful.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that's exactly right.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: And I love that's.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: What he tries to do is to bring reality.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: But come on, let's bring the fear down.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm adolescence.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: I'm just saying, right.
• 2:35
  Cheryl: Good.
• 2:35
  Cheryl: So it's gonna be fun.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: I can hardly wait till we jump into it.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:39
  Cheryl: All, but instead of that age period, what I thought we'd talk about today is that, uh, younger, maybe we're talking kind of four to eight ish so, okay.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Not, infants, not those that are pre-pubescent mm-hmm so just that general age group,
• 2:56
  Danae: when they're still kids and children,
• 3:00
  Cheryl: I'm hearing their voice.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: I think it's a lot simpler time period.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: In some ways, for sure.
• 3:06
  Christie: Right.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: you know, it's interesting.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: I don't know about job, but this age and mm-hmm that I sort of feel maybe it's not addressed as much.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm a little bit, maybe the invisible years.
• 3:19
  Danae: Mm-hmm cause you don't, you're not getting as many questions about that age
• 3:23
  Cheryl: group.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: Are you or podcast or books?
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 3:27
  Christie: they're kind of the peaceful years in a lot of ways.
• 3:31
  Christie: They're a little.
• 3:31
  Christie: More agreeable during these ages.
• 3:34
  Christie: Well,
• 3:34
  Cheryl: and we've talked about it before, these are training years.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: You know, and It's just as isn't talked about very much.
• 3:41
  Danae: Mm-hmm Yeah, but what I'm thinking, when you say training years, you know, that's the time that we can, if it is a little calmer, maybe that's the time we can really be more purposeful and thoughtful, kind of get our minds together about what we value and
• 3:54
  Christie: right.
• 3:54
  Christie: And you still have a little bit of a clean slate.
• 3:56
  Christie: There's not an overabundance of pushback and outward influence.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Oh, true.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and so, uh, one of the questions one parent sent us was they had a child, uh, believe it was a six year old mm-hmm and they said my, yeah, they said my six year old.
• 4:15
  Cheryl: still can't ride their bike.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: They still need training wheels.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: And most of their peers, are you doing it?
• 4:21
  Cheryl: Am I doing something wrong?
• 4:23
  Cheryl: You know, is this a bad thing?
• 4:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: And so I came with all my know, I don't know so what I did is I went and researched and found a doctor that was speaking about it in, since she's not sitting here with us Mm-hmm how about if I kind of summarize, cuz I thought she had interesting things to say mm-hmm yeah.
• 4:44
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:44
  Danae: I don't really know anything about
• 4:46
  Cheryl: bikes
• 4:48
  Christie: yeah.
• 4:48
  Christie: It's, it's something that just kind of happened.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Well, she said it's a wonderful form of exercise.
• 4:54
  Cheryl: yes.
• 4:54
  Cheryl: And particularly with parents being more conscious about their children's health and their weight and so forth.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and then she also said it's an important developmental milestone and some independence and freedom.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so then she said, the age do you masterly ride?
• 5:10
  Cheryl: A two wheel bike without training wheels.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm It's generally four to nine, but that most children do accomplish that on the lower end of the spectrum mm-hmm
• 5:22
  Danae: yeah.
• 5:22
  Danae: And probably enough opportunity to ride a lot
• 5:24
  Cheryl: into practice.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: But she said, okay, if this is true, why am I seeing so many older kids on the end of the spectrum?
• 5:33
  Cheryl: Eight, nine year olds that are still struggling?
• 5:35
  Cheryl: With training wheels.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 5:38
  Danae: Oh, I hadn't thought of
• 5:39
  Christie: that.
• 5:39
  Cheryl (2): And she started talking about ideas that I didn't know.
• 5:43
  Cheryl (2): And she said, she thinks that maybe particularly here in the United States, we need to reassess our technique for how children ride.
• 5:52
  Cheryl (2): And that really got my interest up.
• 5:54
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 5:54
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm what do you mean?
• 5:55
  Cheryl (2): She thinks that Europeans have got it.
• 5:58
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 5:58
  Cheryl (2): And they do something a whole lot that we don't do so much here.
• 6:02
  Cheryl (2): Um, because she said, what we typically do here is we do, oh, what are they?
• 6:07
  Cheryl (2): Big wheels
• 6:08
  Cheryl: and then Training wheels.
• 6:10
  Danae: Okay.
• 6:10
  Danae: I loved
• 6:10
  Christie: my big wheel.
• 6:11
  Christie: Oh I know I did two, my brother and I both had one.
• 6:13
  Christie: We raced them up.
• 6:14
  Christie: Oh, so y'all are
• 6:15
  Cheryl: so much younger.
• 6:17
  Cheryl: we just had the red and white trikes.
• 6:18
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And then that leads into the training robot with training meals.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: And she said from a scientific and body develop.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Aspect.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: We're really not teaching balance.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: And she said, balance is the issue because That's What makes you fall?
• 6:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, on a bike is balanced, right.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: And what they're doing.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: That's a very popular in Europe.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: and we're seeing a little bit here are called balance bikes.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Do you know what those are?
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm okay.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: So they're um, little ones.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: It's two wheels, Uhhuh, and it's Fred Flintstone where they have handlebar, right.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: But no pedals.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: And no training wheels.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so they're Fred Flintstone, just walking it.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: And then what they start doing is as they get better and more balanced and they're getting the reinforcement all the time.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 7:10
  Danae: you know, as I've gotten older, I keep hearing about how I need to have strong core I wish I would've known
• 7:17
  Christie: this about Mike.
• 7:17
  Christie: Oh yeah, for sure.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so it's developing their strength and their balance mm-hmm and what it appears to be is then they get the balance down.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: And pretty soon you start seeing'em coast mm-hmm because there can go so much faster.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: And then all you do is put on, pedals and they're riding it to well, what, yeah, I thought that was brilliant.
• 7:38
  Danae: Yeah, that is I'm wondering if the child is a little bit older and a little more advanced than that.
• 7:44
  Danae: If having them have a bike, that's a little smaller.
• 7:48
  Danae: Yeah, than what, you know, maybe their size is if you go to the store, cause I'm having this flashback, this memory of, you know, my kids enjoying being on like their little brothers or little sister bikes.
• 8:00
  Danae: And I wonder if it's because they can be a little more daring on those bikes then, you know, I think I tended to do this with shoes and probably bikes and lots of other things.
• 8:10
  Danae: Like let's get the one that's just a little too big for you, so you can grow
• 8:14
  Christie: into it
• 8:15
  Danae: and you know, maybe.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: That could be a trick.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: Well, and actually that was the one little Tibit she put at the end is mm-hmm don't buy up.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: Buy for their right size.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: And then when they're really, really comfortable,
• 8:27
  Christie: that makes sense because it's gonna build confidence.
• 8:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm and they're they're gonna have security there.
• 8:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:32
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 8:33
  Christie: I love that because I was.
• 8:35
  Christie: Typically a little more fearful of pain and injury for my kids.
• 8:39
  Christie: And I think they picked up on that.
• 8:42
  Christie: It's a little bit contagious.
• 8:43
  Christie: And so I think this, especially for some of my personality types, would've been really helpful because it would be on their own initiative rather than this intimidating thing of today.
• 8:53
  Christie: We're gonna learn how to ride the bike without training wheels.
• 8:56
  Christie: Mm-hmm you know, that's very scary.
• 8:57
  Christie: Mm-hmm but if they're able to take in increments on their own initiative, that's a lot more
• 9:01
  Cheryl: empowering mm-hmm and I think he brought the word in fear.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because I'm wondering how much that plays into the fact she sing it delayed so much in childhood mm-hmm mm-hmm that they're not getting the opportunity.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: And that out of fear mm-hmm parents.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: Aren't letting'em do it.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and then.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: It does hand them more freedom and independence and right.
• 9:24
  Cheryl: You know, we've talked about it before, if we're operating in fear.
• 9:27
  Cheryl: We don't wanna hand that gift off too early.
• 9:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:30
  Christie: Well, I think we see that too in the way that our younger kids tend to do things a little earlier.
• 9:35
  Christie: Because they've broken us in a little bit.
• 9:38
  Christie: We're not as afraid of that new skill, because we've already taught one child to do that, or we've seen that it turned out.
• 9:44
  Christie: Okay.
• 9:44
  Christie: Mm-hmm And so the younger siblings sometimes are a little more advanced in those things.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: Well, and it's interesting with mine because I did have an older one that athletics didn't come particularly easy.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: And then when the one behind her was climbing trees, skipping rope, riding a bike, that was the motivation to, oh, wait, I need to do this.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: So maybe not
• 10:05
  Christie: always birth order, but just the example.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: And I think the balance bike would've been perfect.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because that is the issue it's balance.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:14
  Danae: Okay.
• 10:14
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:14
  Danae: And on a practical note, we had an elementary school not too far from our house.
• 10:19
  Danae: And so either I would have the kids ride, uh, walk their bikes mm-hmm to that.
• 10:24
  Danae: Or then the older ones as they got more comfortable and I felt more comfortable with them, you know, riding their bikes and then they could just, you know, go as fast as they wanted.
• 10:34
  Danae: We didn't have to worry about other cars.
• 10:35
  Danae: And so they really got.
• 10:38
  Danae: To be more independent, right.
• 10:39
  Danae: And to challenge themselves and the ones that are more careful could be more careful.
• 10:43
  Danae: And yeah.
• 10:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Christie: You know, we did the same thing.
• 10:45
  Christie: We had a large parking lot near us and our kids actually learned to ride their bikes and drive a car in the same parking lot.
• 10:51
  Christie: oh, Aw.
• 10:53
  Christie: That's fun.
• 10:53
  Christie: All the seasons of life.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: this was a little more practical, but I have a little bit deeper question that another mom sent us.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: How do I help my child who has a hard time controlling his words or actions, especially with siblings?
• 11:11
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 11:13
  Danae: Yeah, that's a big one.
• 11:14
  Danae: That is a big one.
• 11:16
  Danae: You know what?
• 11:16
  Danae: We've talked about this before on a previous podcast and I.
• 11:20
  Danae: First assessing, are they tired?
• 11:23
  Danae: Mm-hmm are they hungry?
• 11:25
  Danae: You know?
• 11:26
  Danae: Um, did you just have a big outing and is, is, was it always on the way back from church or something or they had a lot of stimulation, you know, first kinda looking at the patterns of that.
• 11:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm good.
• 11:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 11:38
  Cheryl (2): Oh, it's interesting.
• 11:39
  Cheryl (2): You say that because I just, this week had an, uh, opportunity to watch this in action with the youngest of a group of the grandchildren.
• 11:49
  Cheryl (2): And.
• 11:50
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm
• 11:51
  Cheryl: their
• 11:51
  Cheryl (2): mom said, watch cuz we're
• 11:52
  Cheryl: seeing
• 11:53
  Cheryl (2): this child gets tired, tends to sometimes reach out and hit or hurt one of the siblings mm-hmm And so I saw it happen.
• 12:04
  Cheryl (2): I was really glad
• 12:05
  Cheryl: she
• 12:05
  told
• 12:05
  Cheryl: me
• 12:05
  Cheryl (2): because.
• 12:06
  Cheryl (2): At nap time It actually happen Mm.
• 12:10
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 12:10
  Cheryl (2): And in contrast to the way they'd been playing well, all along suddenly it was like, they snapped mm-hmm and so I was so impressed because clearly.
• 12:19
  Cheryl (2): What she's done is watch the pattern mm-hmm and see the pattern to develop yeah.
• 12:24
  Cheryl (2): And be on guard for it to intervene and help with it.
• 12:28
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm mm-hmm right.
• 12:29
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm and so those really good advice.
• 12:32
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 12:32
  Christie: yeah.
• 12:32
  Christie: I mean, a lot of times you'll hear parents say, well, I'm just gonna let them work it out.
• 12:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Christie: But really, they need to be equipped.
• 12:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:40
  Christie: To work it out.
• 12:41
  Christie: there's some training that has to happen to prepare them for that moment of working it out.
• 12:46
  Christie: You've just got two personalities going at it.
• 12:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:49
  Danae: I remember when my kids were little and we did playgroup and I remember, you know, kind of wanting our kids an earshot mm-hmm because I knew they needed to be trained.
• 12:59
  Danae: Yes.
• 12:59
  Danae: Right.
• 12:59
  Danae: On how to be a good friend.
• 13:00
  Danae: Right.
• 13:01
  Danae: They don't have the skills to do
• 13:02
  Christie: that.
• 13:03
  Christie: Right.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And it's one thing also when they're disagreeing over what crayon or something at that age, let'em work it out.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so I'm wondering Is it?
• 13:14
  Cheryl: Do we intervene or
• 13:15
  Danae: not?
• 13:15
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:15
  Danae: So let's just talk about that for a minute.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: what would you say it's.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: The relationship when they're being disrespectful or unkind mm-hmm or maybe one is a stronger personality and they're bringing that strength then to dominate.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: I'm like you, I wanna train, wait, wait, wait, let's talk about this.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: How are we gonna treat the other person?
• 13:35
  Cheryl: Yeah, because left to themselves.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: We would've had Lord of the flies.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 13:41
  Danae: and, you know, we're, we're trying to build values.
• 13:43
  Danae: You know, we had a podcast about our family values and, and I think first of all, you know, um, Choosing the values and, and explaining to your children, we're gonna be respectful.
• 13:57
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:57
  Danae: With our words and our actions at all times.
• 14:00
  Danae: And, you know, things do happen.
• 14:01
  Danae: Like they're tired because of a nap.
• 14:03
  Danae: But as parents, we still encourage.
• 14:06
  Danae: This value of being yeah.
• 14:08
  Danae: Kind mm-hmm being gentle, being respectful.
• 14:12
  Danae: So something that I think is just brilliant is something called a do
• 14:17
  Cheryl: over mm-hmm okay.
• 14:18
  Cheryl: So tell us, tell us more.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:21
  Danae: um, yeah, I think the practice really.
• 14:24
  Danae: is good between the parent and child mm-hmm true.
• 14:27
  Danae: you know, we have enough examples of times when our children are being disrespectful to us, mm-hmm that's when the practice happens, the do over.
• 14:38
  Danae: And then you help maybe that child that isn't as.
• 14:42
  Danae: Assertive assertive.
• 14:44
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, they're, they're getting that practice to be able to say what they need
• 14:49
  Christie: What we're really starting to do is build that self-awareness in others' awareness.
• 14:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm in them, in these little incremental ways.
• 14:57
  Christie: Yeah, because they, they don't know themselves well enough to.
• 15:00
  Christie: Okay.
• 15:01
  Christie: I'm a bulldozer.
• 15:02
  Christie: I might run over my younger sibling.
• 15:04
  Christie: Yeah, yeah,
• 15:05
  Danae: yeah.
• 15:05
  Danae: And I think what it does, children, relationships, adult relationships.
• 15:09
  Danae: A lot of times we get into these heated discussions.
• 15:14
  Danae: Mm-hmm and we wish we could push the pause button, but we don't know how, right.
• 15:19
  Danae: So I think if we can pause mm-hmm and say, Hey.
• 15:24
  Danae: Could I say that over, right?
• 15:26
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:27
  Danae: Could we start again?
• 15:28
  Cheryl: And what we're actually doing is teaching them what Dr.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: Stevens.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: And we talk about all the time respond.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: Don't react.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yes.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Cause see they're reacting.
• 15:39
  Cheryl: And we're trying to say, wait just a minute.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Let's learn how to respond.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and you can be unhappy, but we're gonna respond with kindness.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:48
  Cheryl: And not dismissing
• 15:49
  Danae: how they feel.
• 15:49
  Danae: No.
• 15:50
  Danae: Right, right.
• 15:50
  Danae: Cuz I'm really big about that.
• 15:52
  Danae: Like you don't wanna say you should be happy.
• 15:54
  Christie: You're just empowering them to be honest in an appropriate way.
• 15:58
  Christie: Exactly.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: So what do you mean?
• 15:59
  Cheryl: Yes, like with this one where bam and that was hitting.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:03
  Danae: So I would say to this child, would you like a do over?
• 16:08
  Danae: Would you like to do that again?
• 16:09
  Danae: Mm-hmm we're giving them the opportunity to kind of like rewind the tape mm-hmm you know, and I know there's a consequence.
• 16:17
  Danae: We all in our families will have different consequences for unkind words or unkind actions.
• 16:22
  Danae: So I'm not saying, oh, you just let it.
• 16:25
  Danae: Slip by and they have no consequences.
• 16:27
  Danae: Right.
• 16:28
  Danae: But you can also give them an opportunity to, I guess, like redeem themselves.
• 16:33
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Danae: Mm-hmm and.
• 16:35
  Danae: I don't know about you, but as, I mean, as adult now with, with my adult children and in other relationships, I can sometimes maybe I'm tired or I'm hungry, or I misunderstood, or I'm getting defensive about something.
• 16:46
  Danae: I can say something I really don't mean.
• 16:48
  Danae: Well sure.
• 16:49
  Danae: You know?
• 16:49
  Danae: And so giving that child, the grace and the opportunity to say, maybe they didn't mean that.
• 16:55
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:55
  Danae: Maybe they'd like a Doover.
• 16:58
  Danae: Right.
• 16:58
  Danae: So you say to your child, Hey, would you.
• 17:00
  Danae: To back up and let's start over.
• 17:03
  Danae: Mm-hmm would you like a Doover you're handing them this opportunity and I would tell you a lot of children are like, yeah, could I, right.
• 17:11
  Danae: Could I have
• 17:11
  Cheryl: a Doover and what I like about Danae?
• 17:14
  Cheryl: Cuz you were talking about, okay, so we've decided our family values, as we've talked about here mm-hmm is we will show respect.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Choose to be kind to one another mm-hmm and then you're not just correcting.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: Like you said, a chance of restoration and redemption mm-hmm because particularly, if you've worked that into your family ethos, and this is what we're trying to be
• 17:37
  Christie: ,Oh yeah
• 17:38
  Cheryl: or they know there're gonna be consequences when I act like this or hit.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm they may be upset about the consequences, but I love, no, this is life let's do this together.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: Let's practice and give you the opportunity to do the right thing.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and say it the right way and to.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: like I said, when I was with my grandchildren a lot this last week, remember, let's use our words and not our bodies.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm when we're frustrating.
• 18:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know?
• 18:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: So just moving them to not using their hands and their bodies.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: But to start using their words.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: So did
• 18:10
  Danae: that child, you could say, would you like a do over mm-hmm and if they.
• 18:15
  Danae: I sure would or yes, or even maybe, and shrug their shoulders, which little kids can do and say, well, what would you like to have done differently?
• 18:23
  Danae: Mm-hmm or what would you like to say to your sibling?
• 18:26
  Danae: And then they get to say, please move out of the way?
• 18:29
  Danae: Like, could I please play with that toy?
• 18:31
  Danae: Or mm-hmm Or I wanted that cracker, you know, you're helping in so many ways children.
• 18:36
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:36
  Danae: You're helping them know what they want, express what they need.
• 18:39
  Danae: Mm-hmm but to do it in a kind way, and you're having this model to them, I mean, I think even the, the young ones we can model to them, would you like to say, would you like to do?
• 18:50
  Cheryl: to say that with the really little ones.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: To say, how about we do a Doover?
• 18:55
  Cheryl: And so then that begins to be the pattern yes.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: That we choose to do a Doover.
• 19:00
  Cheryl: if you ask'em they go no, or they might be crying.
• 19:03
  Danae: Right.
• 19:03
  Danae: They don't know what that is.
• 19:05
  Danae: Especially, you know, we talk a lot about like practicing mm-hmm So if you know, this is something you wanna implement into your family, I mean, and you can do it with your spouse.
• 19:14
  Danae: You can do it with an older child, or even do it with that child.
• 19:17
  Danae: You can say.
• 19:18
  Danae: Hey, could I have a do over, you know, I need that every day.
• 19:23
  Danae: I think, you know, I need it in here at the table.
• 19:26
  Danae: exactly.
• 19:27
  Danae: So we model that to our children and then they'll know what that means.
• 19:32
  Danae: And, and then I would say go back and, and probably this child you're talking about.
• 19:36
  Danae: You know, would have a consequence and be like, thank you so much.
• 19:39
  Danae: That was such a good job.
• 19:41
  Danae: Those were such kind words.
• 19:43
  Danae: You were really self-controlled.
• 19:45
  Danae: However, you know, one of our family values is to not hit.
• 19:49
  Danae: So this consequence is gonna need to happen.
• 19:52
  Danae: But now you're not all upset and fearful and agitated.
• 19:56
  Danae: Everybody's had a chance to
• 19:58
  Cheryl: calm down.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: What I like about that toay is the response to making a bad choice.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: isn't just the consequence.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that they learn.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: No, we want to try to restore their relationships.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm we want to try and do things right.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: And learn a new way and you may get a consequence, right?
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: But the more important thing is learning to do what is right.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm thinking about how we're gonna treat people using our values.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: And even again, Restoration mm-hmm and in the thing as well as, oh, by the way, you don't get the blue truck anymore.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: The consequence
• 20:37
  Christie: mm-hmm I love that because the goal is not just to not get in trouble and not avoid the consequences.
• 20:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Christie: The goal is the restoration of the relationship and treating that other person well, and whatever the circumstance
• 20:51
  Danae: might be and training our children, how to become healthy functioning adults, adults.
• 20:55
  Danae: Right.
• 20:56
  Danae: Yeah.
• 20:56
  Danae: Is exactly what you said.
• 20:57
  Danae: Mm-hmm it's just maybe just teaching them You know, these choices just to not get in trouble instead of how am I a good friend, right?
• 21:05
  Danae: How am I respectful?
• 21:07
  Danae: Right.
• 21:07
  Christie: And I think, you know, in the beginning when they are younger, we may just say, we're going to have a Doover, but as they get older, it is nice to say, do you want a Doover it puts the ownership on their side to say, I do wanna do over, and this is why, and I,
• 21:23
  Danae: and I think they could come back to you later.
• 21:26
  Danae: Also an older child.
• 21:28
  Danae: Mm-hmm it could be at the moment.
• 21:30
  Danae: they may not.
• 21:31
  Danae: Right, but we're, we're opening this dialogue that maybe that evening later they come back to you.
• 21:37
  Danae: Hey mom.
• 21:38
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 21:39
  Danae: Can I have a Doover?
• 21:41
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:41
  Christie: I love that.
• 21:42
  Christie: Just to make it a culture in the relationship where it's mutual mm-hmm we both need do overs
• 21:47
  Danae: sometimes.
• 21:48
  Danae: Yes
• 21:48
  Cheryl: we do.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Oh, that's good.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: But If you're only tool is consequence or ignoring it.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: You know, again, it's sad, but if only consequences always worked, nobody would buy cigarettes.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and our prisons would only have first timers mm-hmm right.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: Because there's a lot of consequences to going to prison.
• 22:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but legalism doesn't work except it's kind of efficient.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I love this kind of model.
• 22:17
  Danae: Yeah.
• 22:18
  Danae: So have lots of do overs in your home.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm okay.
• 22:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:22
  Cheryl: This is really good.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 22:24
  Christie: you know, the, the circumstances, what we're talking about right now are a little more behavioral.
• 22:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Christie: But I, I was having a mom ask me not too long ago about, um, more emotional meltdowns and just feelings of being overwhelmed and, and melting down because of that.
• 22:40
  Christie: And, um, I think it it's similar.
• 22:43
  Christie: You do wanna ask the questions.
• 22:45
  Christie: Is there a trend?
• 22:46
  Christie: Is there a reason behind this?
• 22:48
  Christie: I know I had one that would melt down every time we got home from running errands, it was just so much for her to hold herself together.
• 22:55
  Christie: She's very introverted, is less introverted now, but holding herself together while we were out running errands was so hard.
• 23:02
  Christie: So when she got home, she just lost it.
• 23:04
  Christie: And, and so I think, you know, that part is the same.
• 23:09
  Cheryl: Oh, true.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: Christy again, I'd like that because you're being a student of your child.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so instead of doling out consequences, oh my child can't control herself.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: You're watching.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 23:23
  Cheryl: And you saw a pattern and a need
• 23:24
  Christie: mm-hmm Yeah.
• 23:26
  Christie: And I think, you know, we have to model that emotional health of being self-regulated in our own.
• 23:32
  Christie: I, and looking back, I did get overwhelmed very easily mm-hmm and would, would get emotional of, we had a lot of things going on at once.
• 23:40
  Christie: And so I'm sure that was part of, you know, she picked up on that, but, um, you know, I was just encouraging this mom to, to think of ways that you could practice.
• 23:52
  Christie: You know how to process emotion, how to validate and empathize with them in that moment and say, you know, I've struggled with this too.
• 24:00
  Christie: Why don't we practice how we could respond to those emotions?
• 24:04
  Christie: I think that's
• 24:05
  Cheryl: helpful.
• 24:05
  Cheryl: So let's role play right here.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: Cause we're talking about role play, right?
• 24:08
  Cheryl: So let's role play right now.
• 24:11
  Cheryl: We got home.
• 24:13
  Cheryl: I'm your child.
• 24:14
  Cheryl: And I have melted down again from the overstimulation.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Of being out there too much.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 24:20
  Danae: wait, wait, I wanna be the emotional meltdown.
• 24:22
  Danae: Okay.
• 24:23
  Christie: okay.
• 24:24
  Christie: Are you an experienced actor in this?
• 24:26
  Christie: Are you experiencing?
• 24:27
  Christie: No, you've got ahead, Cheryl.
• 24:28
  Christie: I'm just gonna say, oh, she just wanted an outlet free chance to be emotional.
• 24:32
  Christie: That's right.
• 24:34
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:34
  Cheryl: Role play with me.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: Talk to me.
• 24:36
  Cheryl: So the parents listening can hear the kind of dialogue of what you would do.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: Well, I think
• 24:42
  Christie: my tendency always was.
• 24:45
  Christie: go sit on your bed.
• 24:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm we're not gonna act that way.
• 24:48
  Christie: That's what I want to do.
• 24:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm but I think the healthier approach is to sit with them, hold them, let them get those emotions out and then start validating and empathize.
• 24:59
  Christie: It was a hard day.
• 25:00
  Christie: Wasn't it?
• 25:00
  Christie: I'm tired to,
• 25:01
  Cheryl: I want you to talk to me.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: And so pretend I'm her.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: And mom and another thing.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: And then, then, and then this morning, everybody laughed at me at breakfast.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm okay.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: So here I'm pouring it all out.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:15
  Christie: we've had a really busy day, haven't we?
• 25:17
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:18
  Christie: And it's, it's just been hard.
• 25:19
  Christie: I would've rather stayed home in my jammies and watched a good movie.
• 25:23
  Christie: Wouldn't you?
• 25:24
  Christie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, mom.
• 25:26
  Christie: But you know, we had to get those birthday presents for your friends and we had to get these things done, but now we're home and I understand that it was hard.
• 25:36
  Christie: We can't act like that because it's, it's not good for you.
• 25:38
  Christie: It's not good for me, but why don't you tell me more about how you're feeling with your
• 25:42
  Cheryl: words.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:44
  Cheryl: And then I start telling you And mom, and
• 25:50
  Christie: GiggleThat's perfect.
• 25:51
  Christie: I think that's really helpful
• 25:54
  Danae: basically what you're wanting to do in the beginning is just really validate.
• 25:58
  Danae: Your child.
• 25:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:59
  Christie: Let them know those emotions are valid mm-hmm and you can sympathize with them and understand, and then put words to it for them.
• 26:07
  Christie: If they can't
• 26:09
  Cheryl: mm-hmm and then maybe talk through a way of when you're feeling like this again, and then maybe give them tips or ways mm-hmm that they could let you know or.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: How you could help them.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: So they didn't have to act it out.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: Oh, great.
• 26:27
  Cheryl: Really wise.
• 26:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:29
  Christie: I think another thing that can be helpful that we did with one of my, our girls was having a code word, you know, whenever they just feel.
• 26:39
  Christie: Like they can't get the words out.
• 26:41
  Christie: Mm-hmm to have a code word and say, you know, pineapple or whatever.
• 26:47
  Christie: And then that helps them see, oh, this is one of those out of control moments I need to wow.
• 26:52
  Christie: Take a breath, sit down because you know, when you're in the moment, You may not even recognize, especially a young child mm-hmm of what, what they're feeling.
• 27:02
  Christie: But if you have a code word that you've already talked about.
• 27:04
  Christie: Yeah,
• 27:04
  Danae: this, yeah.
• 27:05
  Danae: I like that so much because it's hard to name the emotions.
• 27:09
  Danae: Right.
• 27:10
  Danae: Mm-hmm in the moment.
• 27:10
  Danae: Mm-hmm I, I think it's so important.
• 27:12
  Danae: Yeah.
• 27:12
  Danae: For, to help our children have those emotional words.
• 27:15
  Danae: There's a lot of tools out there right now, but goodness, when you're feeling out of control.
• 27:21
  Christie: Right, right.
• 27:21
  Christie: It just, it puts a pause button, even that could be your code.
• 27:25
  Danae: pause.
• 27:25
  Danae: Pause.
• 27:26
  Danae: Mm-hmm but I kind of like pineapple.
• 27:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 27:29
  Cheryl: and I wish I'd had these tools.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm to do that also the two breaths mm-hmm because I've seen my children do it with my grandchildren and then I've adopted it from them.
• 27:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And taking breaths.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: Let's just take a slow breath.
• 27:45
  Cheryl: Just to bring it all down.
• 27:48
  Cheryl: Really great.
• 27:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 27:51
  Christie: Talking about all of this.
• 27:52
  Christie: I feel like for me personally, I am just drowning in adolescence because we've been talking about it here a lot.
• 27:58
  Christie: I still have teens at home and you know, I look back at these years of four to eight and they were just such golden opportunities for training.
• 28:07
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:07
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 28:07
  Christie: where you start losing that authoritative voice in their lives as they get older.
• 28:12
  Christie: Right.
• 28:12
  Christie: Mm-hmm and you can't go back.
• 28:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:14
  Christie: So yeah, those years were just really sweet times to.
• 28:18
  Christie: Equip and train and teach when it's still accepted.
• 28:22
  Christie: Well.
• 28:23
  Christie: Wow.
• 28:23
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's really great.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm to maximize, even though it looks a little invisible mm-hmm and it might be a little easier.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: We don't wanna miss this opportunity.
• 28:33
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm good.
• 28:35
  Christie: Yeah, that really is good.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: And remember parents, we wanna hear your questions cuz that's what prompted all of this mm-hmm and um, we've gotta go though.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: Our time is up.
• 28:47
  Cheryl: Now
• 28:47
  Danae: my gosh, I feel like we were talking for like five minutes.
• 28:50
  Christie: Really?
• 28:51
  Christie: yeah, it didn't
• 28:51
  Cheryl: get by fast.
• 28:52
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 28:53
  Cheryl: Ellen.
• 28:54
  Cheryl: We missed you.
• 28:54
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:56
  Christie: So just always fun when Ellen's here.
• 28:58
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 28:58
  Danae: She would've told you to go to your room, right?
• 29:03
  Danae: when you're acting.
• 29:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 29:04
  Christie: Right, right.
• 29:06
  Cheryl: okay.
• 29:07
  Cheryl: So parents remember.
• 29:08
  Cheryl: Hang in there.
• 29:10
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.