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16. One family in two homes: talking with your children about separation · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me again on the post-separation abuse podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to tell your children that you're separating.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Telling your kids that you're separating from their other parent can be very challenging, confronting and upsetting, and it's important that children are told in a child-focused and age-appropriate way and, wherever possible, that they're shielded from the adult issues.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: It can seem almost impossible to explain something so life-changing to your children and to support their emotions during a time when you yourself might be feeling very emotionally fragile with not much left to give Because of those challenges.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: It's understandable that some parents avoid having this discussion with their children for as long as humanly possible.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: However, as challenging as it is, your children need you to communicate with them.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Avoiding the conversation has the potential to cause lifelong trauma and to significantly undermine the trust that your kids have in you.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Children also have a tendency to fill in the blanks themselves when they're not given information from their parents, and it's not uncommon for children to blame themselves for the relationship breakdown of their parents, for example.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: They may start to think something along the lines of mum and dad are breaking up because I'm too naughty, it's all my fault.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: This can be particularly common when we're talking about children who are neurodiverse, who may have additional needs, particularly if they're aware that the needs that they have or particular behaviours associated with some of those differences may have caused conflict between you and your partner in the past.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Conversations with children about separation and divorce should be done in a way that does not expose the children to adult issues, where possible.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: This can be hard.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Emotions may be high at this particular period of time, particularly if one parent is not supportive of the decision to separate or if the separation is related to infidelity, family violence or some other significant breakdown in trust and healthy communication.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Where possible, it's also strongly advised that you speak privately with your child's teachers, carers at daycare or childcare any other adult who comes into contact regularly with your child.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: This might also include the school chaplain or student well-being staff.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: It's important that these trusted adults are aware so that they can also provide support to your child at school if needed.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Having an ongoing and open dialogue with the school about the needs of your children is very important.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: This can also include having a confidential conversation with your child's teachers or perhaps other staff at the school about family violence, if that's something that you've experienced, and particularly if that's something that your child has been exposed to, these conversations can be confronting.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: However, as a former teacher, I do encourage you to speak to your child's educators or other carers.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Your child's teacher wants to know what it is that your child is dealing with and may have been exposed to.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: This helps your child's teacher to truly understand what's going on in the life and the world of your child, and this can help put together a lot of puzzle pieces.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: If there are concerns about why your child may not be able to concentrate very well in school, particularly if that's not common for them, it's important that you think carefully before speaking with your children and plan what you will say.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: You might like to write out your own script to help organise your thoughts and feelings before having this conversation.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You don't necessarily have to share your script with the other parent, particularly if you've been experiencing family violence or there's other sorts of conflict going on.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: However, if possible, it is a good idea to talk to them and to try and come to an agreement again if possible and safe to do so about how and when to have this conversation with your children, perhaps all together as a family, if that's an option for you.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Part of the work that I do with my clients is helping them to compose a script that they can then use to base the conversation that they have with their kids.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: I also support clients in communicating with school staff, with daycare staff all of those sorts of things, particularly if the situation is high conflict, if there's court proceedings or if there's a potential for court proceedings, because you need to be very, very careful in those situations with what you disclose to other people.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: You need to be aware that not all conversations that you have with other people are going to be treated as confidential, and it's important that conversations that you have with other people, such as teachers, don't later come back to haunt you in the event that these things are raised during court proceedings.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: An important message for children when you're discussing separation with them is to repeatedly tell them that you are still a family, but you will be a family living in two homes.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: It's important that they understand that they are loved and that the separation is not their fault.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: It can be a good idea to invite your kids to ask you questions.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: This will be dependent on the age of your kids.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: They may have questions right there and then, or they may not.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: If they don't have questions for you right in that moment, it's important that you let them know that they are able to come to you at any point in time to ask any questions that they might have and to talk about the importance of asking those questions, rather than bottling those things up and worrying about them.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: If your children ask you a question and you don't know the answer in that moment, for example, they might want to know where you're going to be living, where the other parent's going to be living, how often they're going to be spending time with the other parent, all of those sorts of things that may not be things that you've fully decided upon yet.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: And if that's the case, it's important to be honest and to let your kids know that you're not yet sure of the answers to all of those things, but that as soon as you have the information that they're wanting, that you'll sit down with them and that you will let them know.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: That's the key.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: The unknown and uncertainty surrounding separation is what can cause a lot of anxiety for children.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Also, separation and divorce in and of itself is not what is significantly harmful to children.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Ongoing conflict and exposure to that conflict between parents.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: That is what is harmful for kids.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Protecting your children from being exposed to conflict should be your number one priority.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: This can be really challenging when your ex-partner has a high conflict personality.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Perhaps they've been controlling, perhaps abusive in other ways.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: If you're contemplating separation, or perhaps you're in the early stages of discussing this with your partner and you're concerned about the impact on your children and the way in which to have this conversation, this is something that I can help you with, and I invite you to book a free 30 minute discovery call with me To find out if working with me is something that's right for you.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Join me in the next episode where I discuss parenting plans and some important things to keep in mind when you're considering a parenting plan.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Thanks for your time.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.