Latest / The Parent Tap / Breaking the Generational Cycle of Anger

Transcript

Breaking the Generational Cycle of Anger · The Parent Tap

0:00
SPEAKER_00: I have to catch myself and I'm like, oh my God, because we have this like family temper and it's like been passed down the lineage my dad told me like his dad would beat him.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: It was more probably acceptable on those times, unfortunately.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't want that that image to be in my kids, but I do realize I raise my voice or I my buttons get pushed at times.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: And so it's like recognizing that, but also acknowledging, like, hey, this is where I need to walk away, or this is where I need my wife to step up and kind of take over or whatever.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's just recognizing those triggers and being like, hey, this is this is where I tap out, right?
0:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I need help in this situation.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: And so for me, anyways, that's what I'm trying to draw on and connect the dots to and realize that like why am I why am I wired this way?
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Because I this I hate the yelling.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: But then again, when my kids act up, I revert to yelling and it makes no sense.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: Like I hate, I hate that cycle, but it's like it's like ingrained in me and embedded in me.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: And I just I can't sometimes like break it out.
0:57
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's also giving yourself grace and realizing you're gonna yell sometimes, like that's okay.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Yet knowing when it's you know, choose your battles and when it's appropriate and when it's not, you know, and and if you and the moment you notice yourself losing it, that yeah, go go go take a ride or go for a walk or whatever it is.
1:12
SPEAKER_01: And and if you can't escape the situation, take some deep breaths or you know, whatever you need to do to reset yourself.
1:18
SPEAKER_01: And you know, is is this worth me getting my, you know, my six-year-old, you know, all upset about?
1:23
SPEAKER_01: You know, like is it worth exactly?
1:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, I want to talk about the parents from the parents' lens.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: They brag the ones that brag about their straight A student, their varsity athlete, you know, on social media.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: But you call these kids pressure cookers and say their current successes might just be a false start for future burnout.
1:43
SPEAKER_00: Why is the dream student actually in so much danger right now?
1:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I want to start by saying thank you for having me.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: I'm excited to be here.
1:51
SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, like I was that kid.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: And don't get me wrong, there's a lot of high achievers that can balance it all and their parents don't put pressure on them.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: But honestly, I have a lot of parents that come to me to say, I don't put pressure on them, they put pressure on themselves.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: So it's a little bit of the parents, you know, because you got to get the GPA and this college and, you know, captain of this and leader of that.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: And there's a place for all of that.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: Yet what I found as a school administrator is schools are great, but we are set up for academics.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: We're not set up to support them emotionally.
2:23
SPEAKER_01: So a lot of kids are have underlying, like, they don't know how to handle hard things or relationships or breakups or friends, or you know, you name it.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: And um, they just kind of keep in that identity of achievement, like I got another award, I got another A.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: And then they just keep going, going.
2:40
SPEAKER_01: And uh, part of your question is like, then at 30, they wake up and they're a dentist and they're like, I don't even like this.
2:46
SPEAKER_01: Why am I doing this?
2:47
SPEAKER_01: Work with families how to handle that life.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: And that was me as 30 as a teacher.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I was like, um, why am I a teacher?
2:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't like being a teacher.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: And so I shifted careers.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: And so um, I totally get what you're what you're talking about.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Um, because I was kind of uh you know, pushed by my parents to like do the traditional thing, go to college and know what I would wanted to do, and just like teaching seemed like uh, you know, something I think I can do.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I did I feel like I didn't really like do what I wanted to do.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
3:13
SPEAKER_00: Like if I feel like if I had another life, I would do things different.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm happy where I'm at, but it's also like, you know, I wish I wish my parents knew some of this this stuff that we're gonna talk about here.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: So you work with elite, high achieving families.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: So be honest, Savvy, how much of this teen anxiety epidemic is just working parents taking their own corporate, you know, work hustle culture, KPIs, their own burnout and projecting it directly onto their teens.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's a portion of that.
3:39
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: There is a piece of that, and that's you know, I'll I I have a lot of families where I meet with like their kids on such and such a day, and I meet with them on another day of the week, partially to help them through their stuff and you know to support their kids.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: So there's a lot of it with them.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: And even more so than that, there's the their past trauma.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: They're just parented like they were parents.
4:00
SPEAKER_01: So, and again, no knock on parents, everyone is doing their best without a manual, you know.
4:04
SPEAKER_01: So, but with that being said, you know, my mom used to yell at me, my dad was absent.
4:08
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, whatever, whatever your story is, yet that follows.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: And interestingly enough, I've even spoken with grandparents, parents, and kids in the same family, and they're the awareness is step one.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: And then work, everybody's gotta work on their own stuff.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: So there's a bit of what you said, like that societal culture and pressure, and and then there's also the what you're what you're carrying, what your baggage is.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: So why are we like our parents?
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Because like I know for me personally, it's like there's obviously I love my parents and I'm appreciative of what they've done for me, but there's certain aspects I'm like, I don't want to carry that on to my kids, but I realize that I kind of am in in some aspects.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: Um but why like I'm trying to break the cycle, but I just like why the heck are we so wired?
4:51
SPEAKER_00: Is it just like our, you know, what we've observed from from our upbringing, or is there more to it than that?
4:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, I think it's it's the vast majority of it is our experiences.
5:00
SPEAKER_01: So I'm a tomboy because my dad played sports with me.
5:03
SPEAKER_01: Love don't have a problem with that.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: You know, I hear myself talk and it sounds just like my mom's voice, you know.
5:09
SPEAKER_01: So, and that's all good.
5:10
SPEAKER_01: And then I think it it's the part of it is like, you know, okay, you probably do 80% of the stuff your dad did, and probably 60% of that is good.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: But then noticing, like, ooh, I just yelled at my kid for this thing.
5:21
SPEAKER_01: I just okay.
5:22
SPEAKER_01: And then, and all you can do is is reflect and adjust.
5:25
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it's it's trying to, like you say, break the cycle to the best of your ability, like as many more positives as you can insert.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: Great.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, I mean, we're carrying it.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: We're we're doing it.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: And like I said, a lot of it's good too.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: So don't forget about that.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: But working through what we don't want to continue to pass on is the key.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like those damn progressive commercials, um, you know, where it's like you become your father or whatever.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Like that was kind of the recurring like theme or joke.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what it is, but you know what I mean.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: So it's just like I get it.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: I see myself going to church.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: Like I go to church and then I go to Walmart.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: I go, what am I doing?
6:01
SPEAKER_01: What is this?
6:02
SPEAKER_01: You know, you just like have these habits, and then I'm like, I gotta stop that.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, shutting shutting the light at 10 and going to bed.
6:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what are we doing?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, but that's me.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: My mom would always fall asleep on the couch watching TV.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: And now I was like, oh my god, mom, you're so old.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: And now that that's me.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Like eight o'clock.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm like watching the sports game, and I fall asleep.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my God.
6:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Back in the day, like I the games would start at eight, and I'd be like, oh yeah, it's a late start.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: Like, because you know, I'd stay up till all night, and now I'm just like, I can't make it.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I totally get that.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: 100% that shift.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: Like you said, though, it's good to acknowledge that there's good parts of our upbringing from our parents, but there's also stuff that we we I think we acknowledge in, you know, reflecting back as you know, we we get older and we mature and we have potentially kids of our own that there's some things we want to change, right?
6:47
SPEAKER_00: Like we don't want to always like carry on the stuff I can recall, you know, the yelling, you know, the constant fights.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: Um God bless my parents, they're together 50 years.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And so that's hard to do, especially in this day and age.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: I shudder when there's arguments or when there's yelling because it's like it brings back that childhood memory.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: I feel just uncomfortable in that situation.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: And it's funny you say that because I have two things.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: Say one, some of the parents that come to me are the opposite of, so they they they want to be completely different than their parents.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: So if their parents yelled at them, they let their kids do whatever.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: And that's not good either.
7:22
SPEAKER_01: You got to be cognizant of that.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: And kids know it.
7:24
SPEAKER_01: Like I have 11-year-olds that are saying to me, like, I don't want to pass on, my mom's yelling at me, or my mom's doing this to me.
7:31
SPEAKER_01: And I know her mom did that to her.
7:34
SPEAKER_01: And so they're very aware.
7:35
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's being vulnerable with your kids about it, depending upon their age and and their their maturity, of course.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know I appreciate that.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, I just wanted to kind of dive into more of the like the family dynamics on like how it's passed on from generation to generation.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: I want to talk a little bit more about the operational shift a parent can make tonight to stop that performance-driven pressure, you know, that we talked about initially.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: What do you think like we can do?
8:01
SPEAKER_00: Parents are exhausted, many were working eight to 10 hours a day at least.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: So, what could we do?
8:06
SPEAKER_00: That's my my model is kind of like the lazy approach.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not lazy per se.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Like, I know it's like a negative connotation when you say, like, I'm lazy, but it's like I'm starving for time.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: My dog woke me up at 4 30 this morning.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: I took him on a walk.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: I took a short little cat nap before my daughter's graduation at nine.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: I've been prepping for this interview and then I got work after this, and it's like then the kids get home.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
8:29
SPEAKER_00: So it's like, and I'm not, I'm not, that's not anything uh atypical.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Like, I know other parents are capped for time too, but I realize that like if we're playing a game, I'm at a disadvantage because of because of my situation.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: I have a two-year-old and a five-year-old with autism, and we just adopted a puppy.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: It's tough.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm lazy.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to make shortcuts.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, what's the five-minute operational shift a parent can make tonight to stop performance-driven pressure?
8:53
SPEAKER_01: I think, well, it it's kind of like two things you're saying there.
8:56
SPEAKER_01: So to stop all performance-driven pressure, you know, okay, like it's gonna take more than a one one-minute thing.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: But I would say it presence is is what, you know, so I know you said you have all these things going on, okay?
9:10
SPEAKER_01: Well, but what's most important?
9:11
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you have to show up for work and you have to make sure your kids are fed and clothed and all the things, right?
9:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, but your kids are a little bit younger than the kids that I work with, you know.
9:21
SPEAKER_01: Uh, just for example, like I have um a lot of families, the only discussions they have are over like a problem or a you failed a class or you know, just just a problem, let's just say it doesn't matter what it is.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: But I think prioritizing time with your kids, even though you think you don't have time, that's the best time to do it.
9:40
SPEAKER_01: So if you have work with teens and tweens, so if you have, you know, that age kid, have a weekly meeting with your kid for 20 minutes, no phones, let them lead it.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: And what's it gonna be about?
9:52
SPEAKER_01: Whatever they want to share with you, or go for a walk with them, or you know, just something that that is present you when you are present with them, not like oh, I'm gonna go take you for ice cream, but be on my phone the whole time while we're at ice cream.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: You know, and and so the shift is really not something I would say is like a framework or uh, it's just can you be present with them?
10:11
SPEAKER_01: And then the more present you are, and the more vulnerable you are, and you share things with them and you have a a light discussion focused on things that they want to talk about, even if it's a video game that you do not care about, talk about that video game.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: You know, so just just you know, reigniting that that connection so it's not always the exchange isn't always around grades or pickup or drop-off or friends or problems, you know.
10:35
SPEAKER_01: And I think that shift is is where you could start is just prioritizing like where you want your family to focus their life on and their time and their thoughts and their their feelings on.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: My daughter loves K-pop demon hunters.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: So what we do in the car is that it's about six-hour drive.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: We were just listening to like all these different remixes of like the the the K-pop songs and it's like metal, and then you got like a rap version.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like cool for you know, for us to kind of take ownership of stuff she liked.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, I think it makes her feel special and we try to give her as much one-on-one time because we realize that like the two-year-old for the last two years has been more about him.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: We get, you know, a bottle every hour.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: There's so much needing care that's that's given to an infant versus a child that's already kind of through those stages.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: And you've been open.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: So I want to get to your story.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I was reading your profile.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: So you were a 14-year-old varsity star who eventually hit a total right life reset in your 40s, right?
11:33
SPEAKER_00: You were an administrator and now you're doing your executive coaching.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: So if a parent ignores this blueprint because they're like, hey, my kid is getting into a good college, you know, like we're just we're just gonna keep going with that path.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: But what are we actually setting them up for?
11:47
SPEAKER_00: If we keep pushing them, we keep pressuring them, we keep just kind of moving them through the motions.
11:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think um, I think you kind of set them up for eventually not liking who they're becoming.
11:58
SPEAKER_01: And that's what happened to me.
12:00
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know any different.
12:02
SPEAKER_01: Like I I knew you graduated high school and you went to college and you got you're a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, you know, you got a job.
12:09
SPEAKER_01: And I didn't know much else outside of that.
12:12
SPEAKER_01: So I just kept getting good gr getting good grades and pleasing my parents.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: Then it was after college, it was, I'm gonna, I'm a teacher.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta be a a a leader, and then I gotta be an assistant principal, and then I, you know, just moving up the ladder.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: And then I was getting to this place where I was just like working all the time, exhausted.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: I moved to Florida, which is gorgeous, and I wasn't even enjoying this, you know, like the beach, let's say.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what am I doing?
12:38
SPEAKER_01: And then I was just like short-tempered or you know, I just didn't like where I wasn't authentically who I was meant to be.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: And I always saw these problems with kids, like being anxious, overwhelmed, wanting to help them, couldn't help them because I had paperwork to do.
12:51
SPEAKER_01: So I was like, why don't I just be who I want to be and do what I want to do and be fulfilled?
12:56
SPEAKER_01: And so that's when I like had that shift and just left my position.
12:59
SPEAKER_01: And so I guess I had to go through and it leaving of the position is the thing that happened, let's say.
13:07
SPEAKER_01: But deeper than that was like the whole time was like letting go of that old self that was like that false self.
13:12
SPEAKER_01: That over was the the real shift, you know, going from the title of assistant principal to to mindset coach, it's not just the title, it's all the work behind it.
13:21
SPEAKER_01: And now it's like I don't even recognize that person.
13:24
SPEAKER_01: So I guess with parents, and then what I do with kids is helping them to remove that resistance of around their whatever it is, lack of self-confidence, not thinking they're not enough, all these reasons why they're achieving, and really sitting down and saying, it's okay to achieve, yet where do we want to go and why?
13:44
SPEAKER_01: Like and and for what purpose?
13:46
SPEAKER_01: And really having like deep thoughts on that, not just like, oh, I want to make a ton of money and get a Lamborghini and live in Miami.
13:51
SPEAKER_01: Like, okay.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, sort of like when you and I grew up, it was more like I want to be a basketball player, a baseball player, or whatever, an actor, a movie star.
14:00
SPEAKER_01: Now it's I want to be an Instagram influencer or TikTok or you know, but just how can I support my tween or teen to just be happy with themselves, really?
14:10
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: They they said what they wanted to be when they grew up, right?
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Like when they got their diplomas, and one one little kid said he wanted to be a YouTuber.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, damn it, I do too.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: At 40, that that's when you kind of had your career shift.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, and and that's been kind of the realization for me, too, is like, you know, I feel 40s kind of like, well, you know, I've I've kind of lived half of my life at this point.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: And so I need to kind of finish that second half with what I want to do and establish my goals and do the things that I want to do.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: Like I I've had other YouTube channels, but I haven't followed through on stuff, you know what I mean?
14:41
SPEAKER_00: And so it's like really being consistent, doing what I want to do, enjoying the work that I have.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And it's just like it's a different disposition on life because I like I had a lot of that crankiness last year, a lot of that like I just I didn't want to wake up in the morning kind of feeling.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: And then now today I'm like, I'm just oh, what can I do to improve the channel or what what guess can I get?
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Or there's so many things I'm like thinking of like randomly in the middle of the night, like to progress the show.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure you feel this way about your business.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: I I just have this great um motivation and and drive to just build it and do the best I can and just like I'm hungry for it.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: It's just it's incredible when you when you go from a career, you know, we're we're kind of similar.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: You were an administrative, but I was a teacher, but you're just like kind of going through the motions of the now actually getting to do what you want to do.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: And that's awesome.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: And so could you tell us a little bit about the rise model to help the family shift from performance pressure to identity-based competence?
15:35
SPEAKER_00: So it is shifting identity.
15:37
SPEAKER_01: So as kids work with me and parents, it's like today they tell me they want support around uh their relationships.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: And then as the kids get stronger in their relationships, then something else pops up.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, so coaching's kind of like growing, but not a straight line.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: There's ups and downs, ups and downs.
15:53
SPEAKER_01: The rise model stands for resilience, identity, self-confidence, and emotional regulation.
15:57
SPEAKER_01: So step one's managing your emotions.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: If you can't manage your emotions, you are powerless.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: So helping kids to just understand and manage big feelings.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: So I've, you know, I've had a breakup or uh somebody passed away, or just small things like getting a poor grade.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Kids have a, you know, they fall apart.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: And as they decide, like I can do this or I've done this before, and and they manage their emotions, they're more resilient, they're bouncing back, and they're not they're always gonna have negative emotions, but they bounce back quicker, build that self-confidence and they're growing and they're thriving, and then they shift into that next identity.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: So it's and then as they go over time, they just grow stronger and stronger, and it's like they're unrecognizable.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: The transformation from, you know, a year before, you can't you can't even recognize them.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: And kids move through that fast.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: So it's really exciting.
16:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I love that.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for breaking that down.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that sounds like an awesome model and something that really again helps these these families going from, you know, how most of us probably were raised with the the pre, you know, you were uh the performance pressure of they would incentivize it with money or whatever.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: But it was like very if I didn't get an A on my report card, it was like I did something wrong.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: I was either talking too much in class or I didn't do my homework, or I wasn't stuck, you know what I mean?
17:10
SPEAKER_00: It was like I did something wrong.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't there wasn't any inclination of like maybe that's just not like my subject matter.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm not great at math.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Like I would not be expected to get A's in math, but my parents like they just thought I should get straight A's because my my brother did.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: That's it was kind of the expectation set.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: And so that's how I felt a lot too, like growing up.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: And like I even to this day feel like I don't know, like I don't feel like I'm enough sometimes.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: I I feel like I'm always trying to live up to someone else's expectations or standards, even though like deep down I think I am a perfectionist because like I don't I want to like prove people wrong, and I like I just have this like chip on my shoulder kind of thing too.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: It's like those two things are just kind of like constantly fighting with each other.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: I think there's a lot of childhood trauma I got.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: I think it's more of like a psych psychological trauma where it's just like I'm not really sure about myself and like I've carried this baggage for a long, long time.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: So now I'm actually unleashing it, talking about it, bringing in the experts to kind of like wrap my head around it because I'm not really sure what to make of some of the stuff that I've carried.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: And well, hopefully, other people can kind of relate to that.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was gonna say, like it it when I first started like telling my story and you know, say going on social media and things like that, I was like, uh, this isn't a big deal, like because I wasn't physically abused, but it is because it is, it is valid to have those feelings.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: And it I'm glad that you're going through it and and trying to work through it and and realize like, okay, I think you you have to basically rewire your brain to one, believe you are enough, but why are you enough?
18:44
SPEAKER_01: Well, because of all these reasons.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: And you can, you know, it's where we focus.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: We can focus on the fact that you didn't you got a B instead of an A, or you can focus on the fact that I really improved from my the beginning of the semester on my writing.
18:58
SPEAKER_01: No matter what the outcome was, my writing is so much better now.
19:01
SPEAKER_01: You know, so even when I work with like athletes, it's like it's not about winning the match, it's about like, did you play better?
19:07
SPEAKER_01: Were you a leader?
19:08
SPEAKER_01: Did you pep up your team?
19:09
SPEAKER_01: You know, all the things because that's what matters because 99% of kids aren't going to be a professional athlete, but they're gonna be on a team in a in a job.
19:16
SPEAKER_01: If you can, if you can so those are the skills we're really working on.
19:21
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's the the football team today, but it's the the office tomorrow.
19:25
SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm proud of you for like recognizing and doing what you need to do and starting working through these things.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Good for you.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: No, and I I love everything you can bring up about sports because that's how I relate everything to in my life.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: My father was very into sports, and it's like still like our one connection today.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: You said you were in varsity um at 14, I was a basketball player, but like I was cut my freshman year, my sophomore year.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: I didn't even have enough confidence to try out junior year.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, I was the MVP of the the varsity team.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: And then I wasn't able to even like get much playing time on the varsity team.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: And so it was like it was a real big mind like confidence issue where I was like, how did I go from being the you know the MVP on this other team to not being able to even like get the court?
20:09
SPEAKER_00: I I just realized you gotta be the consummate teammate at that point.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: You gotta support other people, you gotta be ready when your time comes and like all and it's tough to do, but and that's why I love sports, and I'm trying to get my my daughter and son into sports because I think it builds a lot of great team teamsmanship and just working with others and going through the ups and downs that life is gonna throw you.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be moments where you're the MVP, and there's gonna be moments where people think you suck and you can't get off the bench.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: And so I've been in both of those situations.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: I think there's so many life lessons in sports, and that's why I'm always like bringing it back to sports and how how it can relate because it's a great teacher.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: I have a lot of kids that are like they could be in theater or dance or cheer, you know.
20:51
SPEAKER_01: So some sort of team environment, maybe they do wrestling, BJJ or something.
20:55
SPEAKER_01: So that is so good because now I play sports and I like I compete and then but I couldn't even tell you the score because it's so much just about being out there and having fun.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: And then, like, oh, we won, great.
21:10
SPEAKER_01: Or that was a really nice play you just had on the other team.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: It's not holding on to that like hardcore.
21:16
SPEAKER_01: Yes, you want to work hard, we want to win, but like, are we gelling?
21:19
SPEAKER_01: Are we supporting one another?
21:21
SPEAKER_01: Are we like doing study hall together, whatever it might be?
21:24
SPEAKER_01: It's it's just looking at it differently and making it I don't know, a little less heavy too.
21:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: And and and talking about sports, so like what's one meaning well-meaning compliment parents give their kids after a big game or big test that they think is building confidence, but is actually destroying the child's identity.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think um what you want to do is always talk about effort versus like winner winner loss.
21:51
SPEAKER_01: So, like, if they won, you know, it's like great job.
21:54
SPEAKER_01: If they lost, good job, sorry you didn't win.
21:56
SPEAKER_01: But you know, I I did my dissertation, part of it was the whole honor.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Feedback and good job means nothing, but it's more about the effort.
22:04
SPEAKER_01: So it's all around that whole growth mindset.
22:07
SPEAKER_01: So win or lose, I saw you, you know, really persevere when such and such a thing happened in the game.
22:14
SPEAKER_01: But it's recognizing their effort because you know what areas they're trying to work on.
22:18
SPEAKER_01: And so shifting the focus to that versus the like win-loss, right?
22:22
SPEAKER_01: I remember my dad used to yell from the sidelines.
22:25
SPEAKER_01: He used to yell at the basketball game.
22:26
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, all right, you know, he knew basketball well.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, this sucks, but he knows basketball.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: Then he would yell at the soccer game.
22:32
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, dad, I know you don't even know soccer.
22:34
SPEAKER_01: Stop.
22:34
SPEAKER_01: You know?
22:35
SPEAKER_01: So just but and he always meant well, like, love him to death.
22:38
SPEAKER_01: But no, like I don't, I didn't know it then.
22:41
SPEAKER_01: But what I needed to hear was like, man, that third goal that you you saved, like when you did this and this, like that was a great, you know, way that you moved your feet or what whatever it was.
22:50
SPEAKER_01: So uh yeah, praise is nice, but uh but praising their effort is is even better.
22:56
unknown: Yeah.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: And like you said, being specific too of like, oh, I liked, I liked your effort, or I liked the way that you did so and so rather than just good job, or my my upbringing was more focusing on why did you strike out so much, or why did why did you not shoot the ball when you got in the game?
23:14
SPEAKER_00: You know like it's just it just made me like second guess myself.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: And so I definitely don't want to do that to my kids, you know, because I I hear some of that with my nieces who, you know, were at their softball games.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: I hear a lot of the like negative stuff that I'm like, oh shit, that was the stuff that I grew up with hating and it kind of just messed with my confidence.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: So I hope that um yeah, we can focus more on the positive, but also like you said, being being more specific about like the good things that they are doing and putting out there because I I'm living with that destroyed confidence, I feel like at this age.
23:43
SPEAKER_01: The the why question that you just said there, like at all times trying to avoid why.
23:48
SPEAKER_01: Because as soon as you say why, you go on the defensive.
23:50
SPEAKER_01: Like, why did you strike out?
23:51
SPEAKER_01: If you want to know why they struck out, you know, maybe it's like in the third inning, I saw that you like moved your foot avoiding the why question at all costs, unless you must ask them that, because then then they're more apt to share and kind of go through it with you versus versus being on the defensive.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: As soon as they're on the defensive, they shut down and that's it.
24:11
SPEAKER_01: And then you know, I know your your daughter's, you know, in pre-K a teenager, shut down immediate.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: They're not they're not gonna want to talk to you, they're gonna go right straight to their room if they just think you're judging them or you know, but if they think you're actually like engaged and not and concerned about their progress, they're gonna be a little bit more aft to share, you know.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, that's totally true.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: My parents know nothing about this podcast.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: We don't have that rapport because I feel like there's been the judgmental stuff on whatever.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: And I hate that.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't want that from my kids when they get older.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: And so definitely trying to break the cycles here and learn about this.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm curious of the constant curation of perfection on Instagram, TikTok.
24:51
SPEAKER_00: Does it accelerate the silent burnout for the kids that you work with?
24:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think I think so.
24:56
SPEAKER_01: I have kids that are on the internet quite often and it's like girls having body image issues, or you know, it's it doesn't have to be even social media.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: It could be group chat, can be just as terrible as anything else.
25:08
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, there is that part of it where they don't feel like they're enough, or the whole, I want to get a Lamborghini and live in Miami and everything, life is easy, I don't have to do anything.
25:18
SPEAKER_01: There's that piece of it.
25:19
SPEAKER_01: And then I have other kids that genuinely either don't have social media or use it sparingly and take themselves off of it because they know it's like poisonous to them.
25:29
SPEAKER_01: So you would be surprised how many kids either use it appropriately or don't use it at all.
25:35
SPEAKER_01: But then there's the flip side of it where it gets them into that whole comparison mode and compare, compare, compare.
25:41
SPEAKER_01: And then they're like you've heard comparison is the thief of joy.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: Boom, there it goes.
25:45
SPEAKER_01: You know, because you know, you in your podcast are comparing yourself to Joe Rogan and he's a million years ahead of where you're at.
25:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, this is but you know, I'm sure you're looking at it.
25:55
SPEAKER_01: Why does he do this?
25:55
SPEAKER_01: And how does it, you know?
25:57
SPEAKER_01: So that no, that's not a knock, but I mean, I go on social media and I know like Dr.
26:01
SPEAKER_01: Shafali.
26:02
SPEAKER_01: She's fantastic.
26:03
SPEAKER_01: She's this, you know, but she started this thing 20 years ago, you know.
26:07
SPEAKER_01: So we do it as adults, but we have to remember like, I'm where I'm supposed to be.
26:11
SPEAKER_01: This is exactly, you know, what I'm meant to be doing, meant to be here with you in this moment.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: And the same with kids, you know, not comparing themselves to their classmates or their teammates and all of the above.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
26:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, totally.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: And I get that.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: And a mentality of like it's all in your timeline, you know, like so many people get caught up in I want to be married by 30 or, you know, have this or that by 40 or whatever.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Like, we just set these like timelines up.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: And when it doesn't happen, it's just very deflated.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: Or like, you know, teenagers, they see other people, they have dates or they don't have anything, and then it's just like, oh my god, it's like the end of the world kind of feeling.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: I feel that too.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: I have everything I exactly want and need.
26:47
SPEAKER_00: And if you're if I was looking back 10 years, I'd be like, no way, right?
26:51
SPEAKER_00: But then I can I can go on social media or I can go on YouTube and I can see stuff, right?
26:56
SPEAKER_00: That that like obviously I don't have and I probably never will.
26:59
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I start to feel bad about myself.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: I start to feel like, why don't I have that?
27:04
SPEAKER_00: Why can't I get that?
27:05
SPEAKER_00: I just start to feel like what I have isn't good enough.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: And so I I'm more of the ladder there where I kind of have to take myself off of social media.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: And it's wired like this.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: I've had other experts on where they're just telling, like, how you know these companies know what they're doing to keep you on their platforms and and to keep content going and just keep you scrolling.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: And but yeah, it's just not good for my brain particularly.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: But it's great to see that there's teens out there that recognize that and do that themselves, or they use it kind of in more of a an appropriate matter, you know, maybe putting on limits or you know, things like that.
27:35
SPEAKER_01: And that comes that comes from their parents too, because I know the kids that are not on social media as much as their parents aren't either.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: And so it's modeling that for them.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: Like I don't keep social media on my phone.
27:45
SPEAKER_01: I have to go on my iPad and and I do posts for my business and so on.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I have to go on there.
27:51
SPEAKER_01: But I yeah, I mean, it's it's what you model too.
27:54
SPEAKER_01: Because if you're all in Instagram all day and then you yell at your kid for being on Snapchat, it's like, well, what's why where do you think they got it from?
28:02
SPEAKER_01: You know, so there's there's that too.
28:04
SPEAKER_01: And and there, and to be honest, like social media does have its positives.
28:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm actually working with three kids right now that are building businesses at different levels and just how to use it appropriately and for you know, for what it to create, not to consume.
28:19
SPEAKER_01: So if you're creating, wonderful.
28:22
SPEAKER_01: If you're consuming, you know, like where where's the balance?
28:24
SPEAKER_01: I probably consume 10%, create 90%.
28:27
SPEAKER_01: That's how, you know, or 80-20, something like that.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: So it's not all bad.
28:30
SPEAKER_01: It's just like you said, like limiting yourself and you know, like go outside and look at the birds and the trees, and then you know, that's where you find your clarity.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: So um, you know, where can people find more about um, you know, your coaching and your your rise um uh what is it rise model?
28:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, tell us tell us more where people can find you, get more information, and and learn more about your projects coming up.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: So of course, social media.
29:01
SPEAKER_00: No, after that you just told us to stay off of it.
29:04
SPEAKER_01: No, just kidding.
29:05
SPEAKER_01: I know, I know, I know.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: So I do post a lot of free content.
29:09
SPEAKER_01: I have a Facebook group.
29:10
SPEAKER_01: You can follow me on Instagram, find me on Facebook.
29:12
SPEAKER_01: So I'm pretty active on both those platforms.
29:15
SPEAKER_01: YouTube, I have tons of videos going through different things that can help parents.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm creating a course, so that's gonna come out at the end of the summer.
29:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, I have a lot of things that I just offer for free, masterclasses, things like that.
29:27
SPEAKER_01: And then if someone is interested in like, oh, what would it look like to work with me?
29:32
SPEAKER_01: Then they can book a call with me.
29:33
SPEAKER_01: We can discuss that or um, they can find that on my website or on my social media and discuss what it would look like for their family.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, that's how they can get in in touch with me.