Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle Feedback From Their Own Team
Transcript
- Lucas: There is a moment early in a new manager's tenure that nobody warns you about. You're finally getting your bearings, you've stopped overpreparing for every one-on-one, and then a direct report says something like 'Hey, the way you jumped in on that client call yesterday — it kind of undercut me.' And your first instinct is not to listen. It's to explain. Luna: Right — because you're still thinking like an individual contributor. You want to justify your action, defend your intent. Lucas: Exactly. And that instinct, if you follow it, can set a pattern that makes honest upward feedback nearly impossible. So today I want to talk about how new managers can solicit, receive, and actually act on feedback from the people they now manage — especially in that fragile first six months. Luna: Is there good data on how often this goes wrong? I feel like most new managers I've seen either never ask or ask once, get something uncomfortable, and never ask again. Lucas: There is. A 2024 study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology looked at over 800 first-time managers across tech and professional services. They found that managers who explicitly solicited upward feedback within their first ninety days retained their direct reports at a rate roughly forty percent higher over the next eighteen months compared to those who didn't. But — and this is the crucial part — that effect only held if the managers actually responded to the feedback in a visible way. If they solicited it and then nothing changed, retention was actually worse than if they'd never asked at all. Luna: So asking and ignoring is worse than silence. That's a strong finding. It means the bar isn't just to be open — it's to close the loop. Lucas: Exactly. And that's what we're going to drill into. Let's start with the ask itself. The most effective structure I've seen — and it's not original, it comes from a Google rework project about a decade ago — is called 'stop, start, continue.' You sit down with each direct report, ideally in your third or fourth week, and you say: 'I want to be a better manager for you. Would you be willing to give me one thing I should stop doing, one thing I should start doing, and one thing I should continue doing?' Luna: And do you frame that as a one-time exercise or an ongoing conversation? Lucas: Both. You launch it as a discrete ask — 'this week, would you help me with this?' — but you signal that you'll revisit it. The key is the specificity of the request. You're not asking 'How am I doing?' which invites a vague 'fine.' You're asking for three concrete behaviors. That gives the other person permission to be specific without feeling like they're attacking you. Luna: And what do you do when they give you the first piece of feedback and it stings? Because it will. I remember a new manager once told me a direct report said 'You talk too much in meetings.' And his immediate internal reaction was 'But I'm the manager, I'm supposed to provide direction.' Lucas: That is the exact moment that determines whether you build trust or erode it. The right response is three words: 'Thank you for telling me.' Not 'Let me explain why I was talking.' Not 'I see your point but in that case...' Just thank you. Then you sit with it for at least twenty-four hours before you respond with any action plan. Luna: The pause is critical. Because if you react immediately, you're reacting from your own discomfort. You haven't processed whether the feedback is valid or not. Lucas: And the research backs that up. The same Journal of Applied Psychology study coded managers' verbal responses to upward feedback. Managers who used what they called 'validation language' — phrases like 'I appreciate you sharing that,' 'That's helpful to hear,' 'I want to understand more' — had teams that reported significantly higher psychological safety three months later. Managers who responded with any form of justification, even polite justification, saw no improvement. Luna: So the instinct to explain — even with good intent — is actually counterproductive. Lucas: Counterproductive is the word. Because what the direct report hears is not 'I have context.' What they hear is 'You're wrong.' And once that pattern establishes, they stop giving you the real feedback. They give you the safe feedback. Luna: It reminds me of something I read about Navy SEAL officer training — they're taught to say 'I understand' when receiving after-action critique, even if they disagree. Because the goal in that moment is to absorb the information, not to debate its accuracy. Lucas: That's a perfect parallel. In a knowledge-work context, the equivalent is 'Thank you for telling me.' Then you follow up — not the same day, but within a week — and say something like 'I thought about your feedback that I talk too much in meetings. I'm going to try a new approach: I'll speak only after at least two other people have spoken. Can we check in on that in two weeks?' That's the closing of the loop. Luna: And that specificity — 'only after two others have spoken' — is what makes it believable. It's not a vague 'I'll try to listen more.' It's a behavioral commitment. Lucas: Exactly. And the follow-up check-in is just as important. Because if you don't revisit it, the message is 'I went through the motions and now I'm done.' But if you say 'Two weeks ago you told me to stop interrupting. How have I done?' — that builds enormous trust. Luna: And this is hard, because you're swamped as a new manager. You're learning your own responsibilities, you're dealing with your own manager's expectations. Remembering to follow up on feedback feels like a luxury. Lucas: It feels like a luxury, but it's actually the core work. Because the cost of not doing it is that your team stops telling you the truth. And a team that stops telling you the truth is a team that will eventually blindside you with a resignation or a problem that's gone too far to fix. Luna: So if a new manager is listening right now and thinking 'I've been managing for three months and I haven't done this yet,' what's the worst that's happened? Lucas: The worst that's happened is that they've missed the window where it's easiest to establish the norm. But it's not too late. You can still say 'I realized I haven't been asking for your feedback on my management, and I want to start. Can we do a stop start continue this week?' The team will likely be skeptical at first, because they'll wonder if you really mean it. So you have to be even more diligent about the follow-through. Luna: And what about the scenario where the feedback is about something you genuinely can't change? Like 'You're too busy, you're never available' — and you actually are that busy because the organization demands it. Lucas: That's a great question. The honest answer is you can't always give people what they want. But you can acknowledge the impact. You say 'I hear that my availability is causing frustration. I can't change my meeting load right now, but here's what I can do: I'll protect our one-on-one time by not canceling it, and I'll set up a shared doc where you can drop questions async and I'll respond within 24 hours.' You validate the feeling, you explain constraints, and you offer a partial solution. Luna: So it's not about fixing everything. It's about demonstrating that you heard them and you're making an effort. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just say 'I'm not going to be able to solve this completely, but I want you to know that I understand why it's hard.' That alone can defuse a lot of frustration. Luna: You know, this whole conversation reminds me of why we started this show in the first place — to help people navigate these really human moments in management that don't come with a playbook. And it's a good moment to mention that this show exists because of listeners who support it directly. A handful of people chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what funds making this many episodes without ads. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group, but it makes a huge difference. If you've gotten something useful out of episodes like this one, that's the way to keep it going. No pressure — just wanted to put it out there. Luna: Alright. Back to the meat of this. Lucas, you mentioned the one-on-one as the setting for soliciting feedback. But what about the team meeting? Is it ever appropriate to ask for upward feedback in a group setting? Lucas: I'd be very cautious about that. The power dynamics are too skewed. Even if you think you have a psychologically safe team, people will self-censor in a group. The one-on-one is the right venue because it's private and it signals that you value their individual perspective. The only exception I'd make is if you're doing a retro format where everyone gives feedback anonymously — like a written exercise where you collect responses and then discuss themes without attribution. Luna: So the rule is: individual feedback is for one-on-ones, anonymous patterns can be for teams. Lucas: That's a good rule of thumb. And one more thing — when you do get individual feedback, don't share who said what with the rest of the team. That destroys trust instantly. Keep it confidential unless they explicitly give you permission to share. Luna: That seems obvious, but I've definitely seen managers slip. They say 'Well, Sarah suggested I send the agenda earlier, so I'm going to do that' — and now everyone knows Sarah gave that feedback, and she might not want that. Lucas: Right. And Sarah may never give feedback again. So you say 'A few of you mentioned the agenda timing, so I'm going to send it 24 hours ahead starting next week.' That protects the source and still shows action. Luna: Let's talk about the most common mistake new managers make when receiving upward feedback. If you had to pick one. Lucas: The most common mistake is not asking at all. But the second most common, and perhaps more insidious, is asking but then subtly punishing the person who gave honest feedback. It doesn't have to be overt. It can be a cooler tone in the next meeting, or shorter responses in Slack. People are exquisitely attuned to those signals. If they sense any negative consequence, the flow of feedback dries up. Luna: So even a slight shift in demeanor can kill it. That's a high bar for self-awareness. Lucas: It is. And that's why I recommend new managers overcorrect at first. Go out of your way to thank the person publicly — with their permission — and show that you value the feedback. If someone tells you something hard, send them a Slack message later saying 'I've been thinking about what you said, and it's really helping me. Thank you.' That reinforces the behavior. Luna: So the message is: feedback to you is not a threat. It's a gift. And you have to treat it like one. Lucas: Exactly. And the best new managers I've seen don't just receive it — they model vulnerability by asking for it repeatedly. They make it a routine part of the relationship. And over time, the team internalizes that honesty is safe, which makes the entire organization healthier. Luna: That's a good place to leave it. Next episode, I want to talk about something that comes up a lot in our listener questions: how to handle a direct report who is older or more experienced than you are. Lucas: That's a classic new manager challenge. Let's tackle that next time.