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A Therapist's Reflection on Dolly Parton and Human Dignity · The Brain Dump

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Sandy Boone, therapist, coach, and nervous system educator with 30 years in healthcare and mental health.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I built two practices, got diagnosed with ADHD at 50, and learned the hard way that healers need healing too.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I help female therapists and healers regulate their nervous systems, reclaim their lives, and stop being everyone's everything.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Braind with Sandy Boone.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start with a meme, which is not a sentence that I say often, but stay with me.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the days after Dolly Parton died, someone posted this Imagine being born in a room with no electricity and becoming the light that no one wanted extinguished.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I keep coming back to that because it's not just a simple tribute.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's really a question that's masked as a statement.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's asking us to look at what she built and why.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: In a country in which we can barely agree on the weather, virtually everyone stopped and grieved her the same way at the same time.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly Parton died on august twenty fifth, twenty twenty six at eighty years old, after a brief battle with cancer.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: She had lost her husband Carl the year before after nearly sixty years of marriage.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: She had said publicly that she didn't take care of herself while she was taking care of him.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: In a lot of ways, the grief of losing Carl may have opened the door that cancer walked through.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: She sold over a hundred million records.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: She gave away millions of books to children who might never have had one otherwise.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: She funded COVID vaccine research and then got the shot on camera because she knew people were watching.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: She was pro vaccine when that was not a neutral position.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: She was warmly, openly, consistently affirming of the LGBTQ plus community.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't use that as a brand position, but as a human one.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: She grew up one of twelve children in a holler in East Tennessee with no indoor plumbing and no electricity.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Following her death, the current administration ordered flags be flown at half mass for a week.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Make it make sense.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to talk about today.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly Parton had more platform than most people will ever touch.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: She had credibility, audience, cultural capital to make almost any cause into a national conversation.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: She had opinions and values and both were clear and strong.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: None of them were hidden if you paid any attention at all.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yet she chose to not use any of it as a weapon, which is so much rarer than it sounds.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: She understood something about how people change, which is that they don't change when they're feeling attacked.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: They only change when they feel safe.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's how we learn new things, when we feel safe.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: People change when they feel seen.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: They will change when someone they trust treats them with enough dignity that they're willing to stay in the room.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And Dolly had the power to keep people in the room.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Across seven decades, across every political climate this country threw at her, she kept people in the room.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: She also never forgot where she came from.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: She literally came from nothing.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: The real nothing, not the romanticized country song version of poverty, but the kind where you are cold in the winter and you're hungry sometimes, and you don't take things for granted because you know what the alternative looks like up close.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: That origin story never left her.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You could hear it in how she talked about people.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: You could feel it in the way that she moved through the world without any need to make someone feel small so she could feel big.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Those two things, never weaponizing the platform and never forgetting the holler, are what made her the light nobody wanted extinguished, in my opinion.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: The part that I keep sitting with is this This administration and Dolly Parton do not share a lot of obvious political real estate.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: She funded Moderna vaccine research.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: She got the shot on camera.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was warmly consistently affirming of LGBTQ plus people, and that went back decades.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: She spent her own money on books for children and on music scholarships and on causes that are not exactly the current administration's greatest hits.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And those flags came down anyway.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I am not saying that's wrong.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely believe it was right.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was the correct response to the loss of someone that this country loved.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that I'm sitting with most this week is what it actually reveals.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath all the outrage and the performative certainty and the constant picking of sides, people are still hungry for something that Dolly had.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's the something that doesn't require you to declare a position before you're allowed to feel it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly was someone who was just good, kind, and there.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: When she saw a need, she responded.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And when we find that person, we grieve her across every divide, flags and all.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: This episode calls for me to say something plainly, so I'm going to.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hate the hate.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I am watching something happen in this country that feels like a slow erosion of the most basic thing.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: That basic thing is the ability to look at a person whose life looks nothing like yours, whose choices you don't understand, whose world you've never sat foot in, and extend them the basic dignity anyway, not agreement.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to agree with anyone to give them dignity.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But that is getting so much harder to find.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: What we're finding instead is judgment.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Loud, certain, performative judgment from people who have decided that their discomfort with something that they don't understand is sufficient reason to make someone else's life smaller.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: After 30 years of sitting with people in the hardest moments of their lives, what I can tell you is this.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: The people who are judged the most harshly are almost never the threat that the judgment implies.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're usually just people trying to survive in a world that has made very clear it was not built for them.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: What I see over and over is that when those people finally encounter someone who is safe, who's not going to use what they share against them, something in the body lets go.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: The brace softens and the armor comes down a little.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath it is almost always just a person who wanted to be seen without being used.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Folks, that's not just my clinical observation, it's a human observation.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly Parton built that space everywhere she went.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: She did it by making it clear she was not going to weaponize her platform or her proximity to make anyone feel smaller than they already felt.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: My grandmother would have called that minding your business.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly would have recognized it immediately.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Minding your business is not apathy and it's not looking away from what matters.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is an act of choice to not push yourself into the interior of another person's life in ways you have not been invited.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to understand someone's experience to stay out of the way of it, and you do not have to get it to get out of the way.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: A mentor of mine once said, What someone thinks about you is none of your business.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think there's been a truer statement spoken.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Minding your business is a southern value, and it's also a clinical one.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way we forgot that.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: We forgot the importance of it.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly's death definitely revealed something.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: People are absolutely exhausted.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: They are tired of being required to have a position on everything, and tired of every song and movie and public figure becoming a referendum on which side you're on.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We are tired of performing certainty about things that are so uncertain and performing outrage about things that are so complicated.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Then Dolly died.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: For one moment everyone stopped performing.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: The liberals mourned her values, her generosity, her affirmation of people on the margins.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: The conservatives mourned her faith, her roots, her work ethic, her unapologetic love of this country.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the administration ordered the flags to come down.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody fought about that.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: She never gave anyone a reason to fight about her.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: She has made herself safe for everyone by never making anyone feel like they had to be the right kind of person to deserve her warmth.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, that takes a particular kind of discipline.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It requires us to stay focused on what we actually believe while refusing to use it as a hammer.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: It requires us to remember that the person in front of us is a human being first, whatever else they are.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It also takes knowing who you are.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly was never confused about that.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: She had been Dolly since she was a kid on a church porch in Tennessee, singing for whoever would listen.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: She did not need any political faction to validate her.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: She was already home.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of rootedness is what lets you move through the world without needing to make enemies.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You only need enemies when other people being different feels like a threat to you.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Please hear me when I say, I'm not saying that the answer to everything is be more like Dolly.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: The structural problems are real, and the harm being done to people is real, and it deserves more than a rhinestone covered platitude.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: What I am saying is that her life showed us something worth looking at.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: She had deep lived rooted values, and she still extended dignity to people who didn't share them.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Her platform was never a weapon.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Remembering where she came from wasn't nostalgia.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was the thing that kept her human when everything around her was trying to turn her into a brand.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: She made an entire life out of making people feel safe enough to be themselves.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: She empowered people.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: That mattered then and it matters more now than it ever has.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine being born in a room with no electricity and becoming the light that no one wanted to extinguish.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to be Dolly.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: We just have to stop being the reason people need to brace before they can be themselves in front of us.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's the whole ask.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: The flags flew at half staff for a week.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Interestingly, across every divide, people grieved her the very same way.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're human.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: That tells us something about people and about what we're actually hungry for underneath all the noise.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: We all want to feel safe.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: We all want someone to look at us, whoever we are, wherever we came from, whatever our life looks like, and not flinch.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: We want connection.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: We want humanity.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly did that for 80 years.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: The very least we can do is try.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: If something today resonated, check the show notes.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find information about booking your root cause roadmap with me at sandyboon.com.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me on Instagram at thesandyboon.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a healing professional looking for a community that actually feels good to be in, come join us in the Rooted Calm Collective on Facebook.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a space built for support, nervous system tips, building your best life as a healer without the drama.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Links for everything are in the show notes.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.