Latest / Heavyweight / The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 4

Transcript

The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 4 · Heavyweight

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. The
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: new season of Heavyweight is progressing course Blossom Sauce I said,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: very very poor, love your little skit. All I've got
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: is a big fat Canadian goose egg. I've just endured
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: one of the most humiliating meetings of my adult life,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I thunder, slamming the Heavyweight office door behind me. Worse
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: than the meeting where HR called you out for stealing
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: people's lunches from the fridge and you claimed you thought
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: they were provided by Gimlet, asks Heavyweight producer Stevie Lane.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I could have sworn that happened at my old job,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I say, and yes, worse worse than the meeting where
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: the marketing team informed you that you'd mistaken Twitter for
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Google and we're accidentally tweeting out your search queries, asks
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Heavyweight producer Khalila Holt. In my defense, the diarrhea hair
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: loss can't stop sneezing. Am I dying? Tweet performed very well,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I say, and yes, worse worse than the meeting where
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: the Gimblet concierge team walked you through a thirty slide
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: power point about what can and cannot be flushed and
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: a commode after monogrammed socks in your style and size
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: were found clogging three toilets, asks heavyweight producer Stevie Lane.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: That was never proven. I say, and I'll ask the
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: questions around here. Why aren't the two of you doing
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: any work? Neither producer makes a peep. I want ten
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: heavyweight pitches on my desk by Monday morning. I bark
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: as a walk out the door, but it's Friday afternoon.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Both producers whimper and unison indeed it is, and it
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: won't help to whimper. I whimper as the door slams
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: behind me. The weekend is spent in a terrible funk. Where,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: oh where would I find a juicy, nourishing heavyweight for
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: me to pluck and savor. I decide to spend Saturday
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: wandering with microphone down the rickety boardwalks of Brighton Beach,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Brooklyn's senior citizenist and Eastern European immigrantiist neighborhood. Care to
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: share a regret? I ask passers by. I spend the
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: day being showed away by shop keeps and told my
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: mothers to stop poking my microphone into their baby carriages.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Babies have regrets too, I say. As night begins to fall,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I count the number of languages I've been sworn at
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: in by my count two possibly three. Growing desperate, I
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: wander out to the beach, flinging myself onto the sands,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: discarded diapers and needles. I beg the ocean's waves to
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: drag me down to my watery grave. But when the
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: waves creep too close to my penny loafers, I yip, squeal,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: and prance backwards to safety. Has there ever lived a
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: more piteous creature? I howl at the heavens. I howl
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: so loudly that a diminutive woman selling minced meat dumplings
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: from a wooden cart sets down her ladle and asks
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: if I'm okay, Have you any regrets? I snivel, mucus
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: and tears streaming down my face as I clutch the
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: cuff of her thick woolen pant leg. Some small moment
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: from the past you wish to revisit with me on
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: my hands and knees, and with both hands trembling, I
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: raise my sand and cigarette butt covered microphone towards her face.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: You must, I say, turning her cart around. She wheels
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: creakily back towards the boardwalk. I rise early the next morning, and,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: after a hearty breakfast of breadsticks and untainted yogurt, set
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: off to the public library. The problem I've realized is
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: that my search hasn't been random enough. There's no element
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: of surprise. I'd like to check out a phone book,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I exclaim loudly to the librarian. She shushes me down
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: and tells me that phone books are now available online. Ah,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: the Internet, I herrumph, it's got at all, hasn't it?
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Everything from computer viruses to squared space? But no, What
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: I require is an actual book I could smell and
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: hold within my grasp that has actual pages I can
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: actually flip through. The librarian quietly leads me into a
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: boiler type room that looks as though it's not been
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: visited since nineteen oh three, that monumental year when Miller
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: High Life was born. The ceiling is leaking and oily
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: water is pooling on the floor. Pushed up against a
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: concrete wall is a card table stacked with phone books.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I get to work immediately. I flip open one of
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: the gargantuine volumes. May the fates guide my fingertip to
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: the one name and number that will preserve me and
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: my show. As I dial the number chosen at random,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: my hand shakes violently. I hold my breath as the
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: phone rings. The first number is a mortuary. The second
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: number is someone who doesn't speak English, the third number
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: another mortuary. Finally, a man who sounds naked from the
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: waist down tells me to drop dead, leave the library,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: and spend the rest of the day lying prone on
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: the couch, reading an old soap opera digest and flipping
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Miller High Life bottle caps into an old timey hat.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Two more days had passed and all I had to
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: show for it was a half completed soap opera, digest,
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: crossroad puzzle, and an old timey hat filled with Miller
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: High Life bottle caps. Boy, all this bottle cap flipping
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: sure was making me thirsty for Miller High Life. This
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: has been Chapter four of the Heavyweight Diaries. The next
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: season of Heavyweight will begin in five weeks on September
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: twenty sixth. And remember, if you don't listen to Heavyweight
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: on Spotify, Alex tells me, I'll be deemed superfluous and
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: escorted out of the office. By Security. Heavyweight is Me
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorge just Vy Lane, Khalila Holt,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: and b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: music by Bobby lord our ad music is Vivaldi Spring
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. Will have
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week