Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / 5 Things Happy Couples Do Weekly

Transcript

5 Things Happy Couples Do Weekly · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Famili's podcast. Another week and
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: a whole lot of episodes to make your family happier Today?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: What do genuinely happy couples actually do differently? Not talking
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: about fancy date nights in Paris or Sydney or anywhere.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I've not even talking about love letters. According to a
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: bunch of couples therapists that were recently interviewed for a
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: piece in Stylist, the answer is almost always disappointingly unromantic.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: They run meetings, they schedule check ins, and they argue
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: on purpose. Today. The weekly rituals that therapists say they
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: see working over and over and how many of them
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: we actually do? That's next. Stay with us. Hello, It's
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: the Happy Family's podcast. Welcome and thanks so much for
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: joining us for another week of inspiration to make you
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: fairn happier. We are justin and Kylie calls some parents
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: of six daughters. This is the podcast where you get
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. Today one to make
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: you found me happier. It's about making your relationship with
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: your beloved delightful, absolutely joyful. Kylie, I'm going to hit
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: you up with these you haven't seen them you haven't
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: heard them. You don't know where this is going. But
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I've been perusing a magazine recently and I thought, wow,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: the psychotherapists have written the article. They've given us everything
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: we need. Let's discuss. So these are the five things
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: that they said the happiest couples do, and.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: How did we go.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Let's let's self analyze and give everyone else the same
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: opportunity to.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Self analyze us.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: No, no, themselves. We'll be honest about us and they
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: can be honest about themselves. The first one. I feel
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: very good about this one in you will too. They
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: hold a weekly business meeting.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Sounds very very formal, doesn't it.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Well, we don't call it a business meeting. We call
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: it our weekly much inventory. So basically this is what
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: they do. They sit down, They have a scheduled session
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: every week where you bring your business head for your family,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: You sort out the calendar of the money, the mental loads,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: so the rest of the week is protected for actually
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: hopefully running smoothly and enjoying each other and getting it
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: all going. And it's also the antidote to one partner
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: juggling everything resentfully and silently.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Essentially, it's an extension of family meetings in our house
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: is the same questions regardless of whether we're doing it
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: as a couple, as individuals with individual children, or with
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: our family. It's the same questions. What's going well, what's not?
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: And where do we want to focus this week? What
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: do we want to improve?
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: We have been doing this for years and years and
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: years from the start, we've done a variation of this.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: We're coming up to nearly three decades of marriage now,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: so the therapist are saying this works. I would give
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: it a tick of approval. It beats the once every
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: fifteen year logistics converse station in the doorway, like, why
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: aren't we ever figuring this out right? That's the alternative.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I like what we're doing. It's not a very romantic,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: romantic or sexy sentence. I'm putting our agenda in the
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: shared calendar.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Well, sex might be on the agenda, just saying.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: The second one is this they take their relationships temperature.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: What do I mean by that? Well? The therapists in
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: this article in Stylists said that if you say how
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: is your day? That will produce some information, but it
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: won't produce connection. So you can swap facts about work
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: and dinner.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: And still not feel connected exactly.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't feel seen, hurt and valued, and except
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: you don't feel known. So the therapists recommend regular check
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: ins ten minutes five minutes a day, every day.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Like stare at each other's eyes.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: No, it's nothing like that.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: You have to kiss for ten seconds.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: No, No, that's the thing that the gotman talk about,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: a six second kiss. Yeah, probably is once you kiss
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: me for six seconds, you don't want to stop.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: You're so bad.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I have that effect. So basically, the way that they
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: suggest that we take the relationship temperature is that in
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: these conversations, you share something that you appreciate, you share
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: something new, you ask a genuine question, you share a concern,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: and then you share a wish or a hope. There
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: are five things there. Now. I don't know that we've
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: ever been so formulaic about.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: It, but I was going to say, there's a lot
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: in there. Yeah, And to try and remember that formula
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: all the time could be a little bit tricky. But
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: one of the things I love doing is literally, as
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: our heads are on the pillow and we're about to
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: close our eyes, just kind of tapping into the things
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: that we're grateful for today? Yep, what has brought us joy?
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: You know? How have we seen God's hand in our lives?
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: Like those things are important to us? And I think
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: also just acknowledging what are we looking forward.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: To right right? And that leads to all of these
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: conversations about all those other elements, like we're really grateful
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: for this stuff, we're working towards this, How we going
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: with these plans and goals? Are we still on the
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: same page with this or do we need to adjust
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: and realign? Should we go in a different direction, like
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: we're constantly reevaluating them.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and again, without being really formal, what's something that
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: you're really struggling with right now? We're having those conversations.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: We're just not necessarily asking that specific question. But I
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: think that that's really powerful. When you understand the weight
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: that somebody else is caring, then you're able to meet
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: them where they're at, as opposed to judging them for
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: poor behavior or kind of just not being at their best.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: There was one line in this one that realis stood
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: out to me. I'll share this briefly before we go
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: to the break and then share the last three things.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: There's a line where they're talking about having this check
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: the relationship temperature, having this conversation where we're being honest
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and going a layer deeper, and they suggest that if
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: you want to talk about a difficult concern, that you
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: should start the sentence like this. The story I told
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: myself was, so, let's say I walk into the room
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: and you're on your phone. And we've had lots of
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: conversations together about how it feels like we're being ignored.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: It feels like we're not present when the other one
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: is on the phone, and so we work pretty hard
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: on that. But if I walk into the room and
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: you're on your phone, and I've never said this before,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: but I love the line. If I were to raise
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: it with you later, as we're having this relationship temperature
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: check in, I could say, Honey, I walked into the room,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: And the story I told myself was that you were
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: ignoring all the decisions we've ever made and that I
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: wasn't important to you. And that's a really different conversation too.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I walked into the room and I was just so
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: mad because you're on your phone. Again. Like when I
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: add that little sentence at the start, the story I
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: told myself was That means that I'm creating some distance
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: between the story and me, and it's also letting you
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: know that I'm evaluating this, trying to get a sense check,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: a temperature check on this, the story I told myself
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: when well.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: You're not attributing blame, right, You're actually taking accountability for
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: the perception that you chose to take in that moment.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: And I think that that's.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Powerful, really powerful. Okay, after the break. Three more things
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: to do with arguments and getting that right a touch
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: and how that can make our relationship stronger, and the
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: anti date night stay with us. We're back. This is
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting solutions
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: every single day, Kylie. The third item that the psychotherapists
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: in the Stylist article suggested could make our relationships better
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: was this happy couples are not couples who don't rowl,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: because rupture is inevitable. Repair is the skill. And so
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: what they've argued suggested is that if you're having some
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: kind of conflicts, some tension, that you return to it
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: rather than avoiding it. You notice that you're feeling threatened,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: you get curious about what's underneath, and you sit down
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: and say we're having some tension around this, do you
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: reckon that you can help me to understand where we're missing, Well,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: we're not connecting around this one. It's tough to do,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: but it really deepens understanding perspective and compassion.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: I think one of the most powerful things around this, though,
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: is having the ability to do a self check in
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: and when we have these struggles within our relationship, to
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: be able to take a step back and actually get
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: curious as to why we've responded the way we have.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: Because just like the previous point on rating the relationship
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: temperature and acknowledging that my perception is mine own and
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: not necessarily the truth of what's taking place in that moment,
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: When we have personal struggles with something within the relationship,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: very often it's coming because of the perspective we've taken
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: or because of our previous experience. And being able to
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: actually take time to do I guess, some inner work ourselves,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: some introspection before we come back to the table to
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: talk about it can be a really powerful way to
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: move forward.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: To recognize that your perspective isn't necessarily the right one.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: Well yeah, and just to acknowledge, like I'm human, I'm
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: going to get this wrong, and you give permission to
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: your partner to do the same thing.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Two more a quick warning if you're a parent with
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: a child in the car. The next one is a
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: little on the intimate SI. I'd say you might want
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: to just fast forward the next thirty or sixty six.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Let's say that next sixty seconds we'll do this fun
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: about that reasonably quickly. I know where you are going
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: with that. Let's keep it going forward here. So here
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: is number four. They touch without expecting anything more than
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: just the touch that they're experiencing in the moment. So
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: there can be a lot of pressure around this for
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: some couples, and a lot of therapists will just say,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: let's work out how we can hug, how we can stroke,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: how we can touch without there being any expectation. Let's
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: just enjoy being together and enjoy a couple of minutes
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: of hair stroking or a hand massage, or a long
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: hug or a long kiss without any stress about what
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: it may or may not lead to.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Well, I think we can move on. This is not
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: something you want I struggle with.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: This podcast is not about you and I. This is
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: about helping everybody. We have a rule. It's a rule
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: too strong a word. We set an expectation in our
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: relationship very very early on that every time we walked
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: past one another, every time we encountered one another, we
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: would touch. So if I walk past you in the kitchen,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I'll reach out and squeeze you or hug you, or
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: touch you, I'll kiss you. Like there's god to be
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: consistent and regular touch. And we find that that keeps
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: our relationship vital and delightful.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: Well without ever recognizing that that was actually a beautiful
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: way to include touch into our day to day lives
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: without expectation, right, But that's exactly what it's done. It's
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: meant that when you come and give me a kiss,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: I'm not thinking not again, Like, it's just this is
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: a really beautiful moment to connect.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's also worth Like if you were
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: to set the timer and time how long three minutes
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: of hair stroking? It's pretty long time. And that's the point, right,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: It's meant to be long and deliberate and slow, and
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: there's not meant to be any pressure. It's meant to
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: simply be, well, this is what we're doing right now.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Like if we're sitting in the car, we just we
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: love to hold hands while one of us is driving.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: The other one just holds that spare hand that probably
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: should be on the wheelit anyway, let's move on the
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: last one. I want to do the last one because
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: our time is running out quickly. This is called the
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: anti date night. Therapists pushed back on the date night
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: concept because if you're a couple juggling kids, or dealing
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: with five file or shift work, or just a tight budget,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: organizing a proper date night each week or each fortnight
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: is I'm going to say, burdensome, cumbersome. Yeah, it adds
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: a level of stress that you just don't want. It's
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: one more thing that you have to do. And so
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: the alternative that they recommend is, don't worry about having
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: a date night, spend time together, take turns choosing one
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: really simple, accessible thing, and do that each week. It
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: might be a walk, it might be trying a new hobby,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: or it could be the gloriously achievable option of just
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: staying in bed for an extra hour on the weekend.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: By doing that, what you're doing is you're making a
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: deliberate decision to make room to enjoy being together. That's
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: the game I'm going to push back.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I love date night.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Well I love date night too, but the point is
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: not everyone can do it all the time.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I know, but it gives I don't know, maybe it's
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: just me. I like to have structures in place. It
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: helps me to kind of work, So regard it just
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: I think that our idea of date night shouldn't be
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: so stayed that it feels cumbersome.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Well maybe that's what they're getting at. They're not saying
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: that you don't have to go out and do a
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: pottery class, you don't have to go out and watch
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: a movie and have a restaurant dinner. You don't have
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: to do those things.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: You don't have to spend money. But I think it's
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: important for our kids to recognize and see. You know,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: so many times we woo the people we want to
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: have in our lives, and once we've got them, we
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: stop investing. And I think it's important for our kids
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: to recognize that, yes, dating is a really exciting thing
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: that happens when a relationships beginning, but it's also important
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: that it continues after.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: I guess what I'm getting out here or they're getting
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: out here, and I tend to agree with them. If
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: date night feels like it's admin, or if it feels
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: like it's a massive stress point, you're allowed to cancel
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: the concept. What date night is about is connection. So
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: you can go on a date night every week and
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: not connect, not get below that superficial layer, in which
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: case that's not working for you, you're better off having
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: that Sunday morning lie in and just enjoying that time together.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Well, you're in charge of date night this week, so
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: I can't wait to see what we're doing.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I've got an absolute ripper. I can't wait. It is
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: organized and we are going to have a great time. Hey,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: here are the five things again. A meeting, a check in,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: a scheduled argument with no agenda, and one small chosen
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: thing a week where you really connect. Cool thing. None
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: of them costs any money, and none of them is
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: going to shop in a romantic Hollywood movie. They're kind
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: of just about making appointments, which turns out to be
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: the whole secret happy couples. They don't do more stuff,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: they schedule more.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: It's the compound effect at its best. Just to see
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: the acknowledgment, These tiny, little incremental things that we do
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: day in day out without even necessarily thinking about them,
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: are actually the things that make the biggest difference in
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: our relationship.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the couple came before the kids, and before the
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: mortgage and before all the other stuff. These rituals are
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: regular ways, hopefully weekly ways of remembering that. That is
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast for today. Later on this week,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: we talk about kids with their glass half empty attitudes,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: talking to Michelle Mitchell about her brand new book All
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: about Helping Kids with Friendships, and Adoptor's Desk about whether
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: new birth order research does show that it matters when
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: you're born. I can't wait for this week's podcasts. Stay
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: with us and we will have a great set of
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: conversations together this week. Their Happy Families podcast sound an
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: audio by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Immahammants provides our
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: admin and other support. For more info to make your
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: family happier, visit us at Happy Families dot com dot
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: au and we'll talk to you tomorrow.