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A Haunted House Wakes Up, Part 1 · The Harmony Channel

0:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Harmony Channel, a podcast on creating harmony from the inside out.
0:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Sea Rose.
0:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for being here.
0:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Today I'd like to pull the threads of the three previous episodes together and ground them into the body of my life house.
0:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll weave them together over the course of three episodes, so welcome to part one, a haunted house wakes up.
0:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Part one is focused on inner house ghosts.
0:50
[SPEAKER_00]: In previous episodes, I've mentioned that my life has undergone a significant transformation over the course of the last several years.
0:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Beginning today, I'll share what that looked like for me and my family.
1:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And just a warning, I'll be talking in this episode about death, loss, and grief.
1:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Not graphically, but if these are subjects that trigger you, then perhaps you want to skip this episode, or listen with a friend, or listen if you know you have support available to you.
1:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Before I get into my transformation, I'd like to give a quick recap on this season.
1:24
[SPEAKER_00]: So far, I've shared stories of self-discovery through the intuitive symbology of the apple, the feather, and the web.
1:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to explore how my curiosity about these reoccurring symbols have all acted as my north star and have led me to this moment here and now.
1:43
[SPEAKER_00]: and they're stepping even closer to each symbol.
1:46
[SPEAKER_00]: They're writing this very podcast.
1:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I have uncovered even more meaning.
1:52
[SPEAKER_00]: In exploring the apple, I uncovered a truth that my mind was not yet willing to claim that I am meant to embrace storytelling as a form of soul expression, a pretty key ingredient to discover as I'm diving into sharing my voice.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Through exploring feathers, I gained a deeper understanding of how they have served as signals guiding me toward a new dawn as a writer and revealing that miracles are unfolding every day through my connection with nature.
2:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Lastly, I reflected on the inspiration and encouragement the spider.
2:25
[SPEAKER_00]: A unique and unexpected archetype has bestowed upon me.
2:29
[SPEAKER_00]: She also brought with her a final nudge to stop putting off becoming the me I am meant to become.
2:36
[SPEAKER_00]: This required me to simply begin writing about where I have been, where I am and where I am going.
2:43
[SPEAKER_00]: For I am a weaver and my life, my transformations, my visions, my dreams, my connections are what is woven.
2:53
[SPEAKER_00]: As I continue to recognize and honor the symbols in my life, I feel less fear.
2:59
[SPEAKER_00]: When I see a spider in my dream, I am not afraid.
3:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I know she is showing me the way, reminding me to keep going, to keep weaving.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: She is leading me to the sunrise.
3:11
[SPEAKER_00]: When I pick up a feather, I feel seen by the land wherever I am.
3:16
[SPEAKER_00]: The quills also point me in the direction to continue writing, seeing the feather as more than an arrow, but a quill.
3:23
[SPEAKER_00]: A tool I have resisted, but a last one that has opened up new worlds of understanding for me.
3:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And the apple treatrio in my current backyard are consistent messengers and guides that I am grateful to be in relationship with.
3:37
[SPEAKER_00]: This way of paying attention to the subtle is part of the transformation and it still feels new.
3:43
[SPEAKER_00]: This way of working and learning as a student of the language of spirit and of soul still feels fledgling.
3:51
[SPEAKER_00]: But there was a time when it was really, really new.
3:54
[SPEAKER_00]: When my becoming was truly burgeoning, when I was first stepping into the mystery, there was a line I was unconsciously walking over, or tripping over.
4:04
[SPEAKER_00]: The line that the unseen was only make believe that the other world landscape was not real.
4:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I grew up with that line.
4:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I was taught this by my parents who were taught this by theirs.
4:18
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you go back far enough in each of their lineages, I know there was a time when that line did not exist.
4:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But for me, it did.
4:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And breaking this allusional line between the intangible and tangible worlds to sit centered with clarity of truth that the subtle realm is rich with meaning has taken so much undoing of doubt.
4:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Since my dominant sensitivity is feeling, not seeing, this made it even more necessary to build trust so that I could believe.
4:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone grows up this way.
4:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Perhaps you were shown a different line that you have had to overcome, so your story is different.
4:56
[SPEAKER_00]: But for me, the settle realm was inaccessible, cutting me off from parts of myself.
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: The only access point I had to this space was through my imagination, and so I played there a lot as a child, though I don't believe this was encouraged.
5:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure I heard get your head out of the clouds many times as little girl, pulled back to the line.
5:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Some days have felt like groundhog day where I've repeatedly learned to walk over that line, or barge through it, or blink like bewitch through it, or believe my way through it.
5:30
[SPEAKER_00]: The process has been slow, as at first I wasn't even aware this line existed.
5:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It was shrouded in mystery.
5:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Some days the line felt more simply like one side was sealed me, the other, the new me.
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: How many times have I wished?
5:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Today was the old me.
5:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Tomorrow I will wake up to the new me, fully formed, emergent, dancing between myth and matter without hesitation.
5:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But this is like a larva wanting to skip the cocoon, asking just be me into the butterfly, please.
6:05
[SPEAKER_00]: No, the cocoon phase has been lengthy, necessary, and thorough.
6:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I have repeatedly stepped over the line only to be pulled back to my old self through deeply imprinted patterns that I repeat.
6:17
[SPEAKER_00]: The harmonious butterfly of my true self cannot fully emerge until I surrender entirely to the flow of the spiraling process of healing.
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: It seems no stone will be left unturned, no wounds left untended, no ghosts left lurking in the closet within.
6:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Until then, my emergence will not be complete.
6:39
[SPEAKER_00]: and I will not be able to fully take flight.
6:43
[SPEAKER_00]: At this point, I am perhaps one wing out.
6:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm closer than ever to completing this current metamorphosis for this particular phase of my life anyway.
6:52
[SPEAKER_00]: For I feel healing is never done.
6:55
[SPEAKER_00]: It is an always unfurling, never ending kind of process.
6:59
[SPEAKER_00]: When I feel my way back to that line, I am feeling my way back to the delicate age of 17 when I was first introduced to this elusive line.
7:08
[SPEAKER_00]: The day when on one side I was a sister and on the other I was not.
7:14
[SPEAKER_00]: My brother unexpectedly chose to end his life when he was only 19 years old.
7:19
[SPEAKER_00]: In this traumatic event cut me off from a lot of my childhood memories, but I do remember that some illusions lifted at this time.
7:28
[SPEAKER_00]: The illusion that tragic death doesn't happen in my family shattered.
7:33
[SPEAKER_00]: The illusion of the permanence of life disappeared.
7:36
[SPEAKER_00]: The illusion that our family was perfect, gone.
7:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I now felt marked with a different kind of experience to that of my peers, lifting the illusion that I was like everyone else.
7:48
[SPEAKER_00]: But the dividing line between spirit and material never vanished.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: If my life were a house with doors opening and closing, then the dichotomy of this invisible line ran right through the center, creating a fractured existence with dark rooms that closed off for many years.
8:06
[SPEAKER_00]: When I was fresh in morning, a friend came over to take me away for the day.
8:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I asked her to take me to the ocean, to the sea.
8:15
[SPEAKER_00]: In my mind, I dreamt of a vibrant green place with fields of open grass, alongside a meandering coastline, refreshed by salty air.
8:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I wondered if this dreamy place was Ireland, so I pictured traveling there, and this made me feel well and normal for a moment.
8:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I was free in the vastness of this daydream.
8:38
[SPEAKER_00]: My mind felt free to wander in my dreams, free to sail away there.
8:43
[SPEAKER_00]: But I did not fear getting lost in the dream.
8:46
[SPEAKER_00]: For I had an anchor.
8:48
[SPEAKER_00]: The anchor of awe, the anchor of loving the beauty in life, the beauty in nature.
8:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not need to travel to Ireland to reap the healing benefits of the water.
8:59
[SPEAKER_00]: The green was lost to the New England winter, but the crisp salty air was available within a 20 minute car ride.
9:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So my friend drove me to the edge of the continent where my lungs could open more easily.
9:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I filled them full as full as they would allow, so that I could feel alive with the breath of this planet.
9:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I breathed to live to feel the wonder of life, which was easier to see by the sea.
9:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I saw, and I stood, and I cried.
9:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt enveloped with support by the water, the wind, and my friend, who did not know what to do for me.
9:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not know what to do for me either.
9:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Thankfully, my dreams did suit me.
9:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I could drift toward that moment in time when I could say to my brother things that previously went on said.
9:53
[SPEAKER_00]: In the dream, I could feel his presence in a way that felt so real it was unnerving.
9:59
[SPEAKER_00]: He felt close, even though my mind told me this was absolutely impossible.
10:05
[SPEAKER_00]: With the death of my brother, with the closing of his life door, a shadow formed within me, a shadow that took up an entire basement of my life house.
10:15
[SPEAKER_00]: This shadow would someday be an important teacher when its lesson was revealed.
10:20
[SPEAKER_00]: But for a long time, I would occasionally get lost in this shadow.
10:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I partially lost trust in myself and the world and felt a heavy boulder in my heart.
10:30
[SPEAKER_00]: But other times, I could pretend the shadow was not there.
10:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not know the consequences this reaction would eventually have on me, that by ignoring and compartmentalizing my pain and sadness, I would someday become separate from myself.
10:47
[SPEAKER_00]: At the time, I was simply doing my best to move forward.
10:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I can see now from here I was already separate from my soul, and this attempt to ignore my deep grief only created a further schism.
11:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I can see also that I was always filled with wonder, always loving the earth, the wind, the water, and finding solace and comfort in the beauty of nature.
11:12
[SPEAKER_00]: My brother, my first teacher in the great mystery of life, shared with me the lessons of the preciousness of life and its fragility, unpredictability, and impermanence, take nothing for granted.
11:26
[SPEAKER_00]: These lessons were difficult, but essential.
11:29
[SPEAKER_00]: To value each moment, happy or sad, as if they could be my last.
11:35
[SPEAKER_00]: To love richly, deeply, truly.
11:38
[SPEAKER_00]: In essence, my brother taught me the importance of loving presents.
11:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Pay attention, listen, see, feel what is happening in front and all around you.
11:50
[SPEAKER_00]: For now is all we have to hold in our hands.
11:55
[SPEAKER_00]: About six months after my brother died, I headed to New York City to study photography at person's school of design.
12:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I met my bestie soul friend who was my roommate for almost six years while I lived in the big apple city.
12:09
[SPEAKER_00]: The way of the heart is mysterious, but my heart was wise to bring me there.
12:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though my hurt could get lost and buried in a crowded city, I still believe I needed this big energy to carry me through those early years of grief.
12:23
[SPEAKER_00]: There, my heart opened the door to an entire wing of creativity within my being, providing hope and the ability to continue to feel the wonder of life.
12:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I absolutely loved art school, and I was grateful to be learning photography in a place that understood excellence.
12:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I was immersed in a world of high quality work in which success required drive, persistence, and dedication.
12:48
[SPEAKER_00]: The city was a significant teacher for me as well, and I will always be thankful for this time of intense learning.
12:56
[SPEAKER_00]: On the flip side of all the good I walked away with, where the harmful habits I picked up along the way.
13:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I became addicted to numbing out through busyness, filling my schedule with work, internships, and going out.
13:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, after I graduated college, my work schedule slowed to a regular nine to five pace, and I chose to fill my evening hours with drinking excessive amounts of wine, even when I wasn't with friends.
13:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I carried both of these numbing methods with me for decades before finally facing them, head-on.
13:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Eventually my inner navigation system activated and my life house became a boathouse.
13:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I moved to two different cities in search of a sense of home, a sense of belonging, a sense of myself.
13:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I settled on my third move, which was to Maine, where I lived for almost two decades.
13:48
[SPEAKER_00]: there I met and married my husband.
13:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I opened and ran an art gallery for a brief moment.
13:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I unexpectedly learned knitwear design.
13:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I built businesses while holding several different jobs.
14:01
[SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I bought a house where we hosted our sweet backyard wedding, where we were blessed with a thunderous time, a giant downpour of rain, and a gorgeous double rainbow celebration in the sky.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to take a quick moment to share some exciting news that's happening every first Friday on my website, circlebookhouse.com.
14:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm launching a curated shophouse that will rotate with an assortment of second-hand home goods, used books, handmade items, original artwork, and occasional apothecary products like flower essences.
14:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope you will stop by to check it out.
14:43
[SPEAKER_00]: You can find the link in the show notes.
14:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, back to the episode.
14:50
[SPEAKER_00]: As my life settled, my parents moved to be closer and built their own home in mid-coast main.
14:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Not long after, I gave birth to my first daughter.
14:59
[SPEAKER_00]: She was amused and a joy for us all.
15:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Becoming a working mother was sometimes hard, but I was consumed with my work and my beautiful baby girl.
15:09
[SPEAKER_00]: A year later, a storm hit mid-ghost, a storm that caused an accident on my dad's cellboat, plunging him into the cold ocean, and ending his life at the golden age of 64.
15:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Another deep, sudden loss, another pull to the invisible realm that supposedly wasn't real.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: My mother was at my house watching our daughter when she was informed.
15:35
[SPEAKER_00]: My husband came to my work to share the devastating news and to bring me home.
15:39
[SPEAKER_00]: When I arrived, my mom was sitting on the couch and disbelief.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: My daughter just over a year old came running to me.
15:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I picked her up and the three of us sat together, holding each other.
15:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Later that afternoon, my mom and I decided to head to their house along with my daughter and a dear friend, who I knew would lift our moods and soften our grief.
16:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Our hearts were stunned and heavy.
16:03
[SPEAKER_00]: On this car ride north, an unexpected shift occurred.
16:07
[SPEAKER_00]: my mom and I switched roles.
16:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I could feel her listlessness as we drove, and I wondered why a kind woman like her must endure this much grief in one lifetime.
16:18
[SPEAKER_00]: These losses seemed too much for one person.
16:21
[SPEAKER_00]: A person who has her faults like any of us.
16:23
[SPEAKER_00]: but whom I have known to be good-hearted and generous.
16:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt my mom slipped into a state of nothingness.
16:31
[SPEAKER_00]: We both had experienced this after the death of my brother, but I feared this time she might not return.
16:38
[SPEAKER_00]: During those early days of grief, she needed me to nurture her, or so I perceived, more than I needed her to nurture me, so I became the mother.
16:51
[SPEAKER_00]: We arrived at my parents' house a couple of hours later and walked through the front door.
16:56
[SPEAKER_00]: It seemed as though time had stopped.
16:59
[SPEAKER_00]: It's strange to witness how a person leaves their home, not knowing it would be for the very last time.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: How food is left out and books left open.
17:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I began cleaning the kitchen and dining room while my mom visited with neighbors.
17:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I walked on to the deck to shake out the crumbs from the tablecloth.
17:18
[SPEAKER_00]: All around me, green conifer trees swayed in the wind like mighty guardians.
17:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I stood there small, drawing breath from the cool air.
17:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It was all I could do in that moment until I noticed a bird at the end of the railing.
17:34
[SPEAKER_00]: The bird just sat there, looking at me, and eyes did motionless, looking at him.
17:40
[SPEAKER_00]: We shared a moment of quiet in the stillness of the woods, gently acknowledging each other's company.
17:47
[SPEAKER_00]: This robin did not feel like a regular robin.
17:49
[SPEAKER_00]: This one had a round protruding belly, rounder than those of most robins I had seen in my life.
17:56
[SPEAKER_00]: A belly and a presence that reminded me of my dad.
18:00
[SPEAKER_00]: A tear ran down my cheek as I felt this brief bird connection.
18:05
[SPEAKER_00]: In this moment, I sensed my dad was the Robin, coming to say all the things that often go on said when death comes quickly and unexpectedly.
18:14
[SPEAKER_00]: No words were spoken, only the feeling of togetherness was exchanged.
18:20
[SPEAKER_00]: My daughter opened the screen door and the Robin flew off, but I stood there and wondered me before dismissing this sensation.
18:28
[SPEAKER_00]: People don't become birds, I thought.
18:30
[SPEAKER_00]: But I never forgot that Robin.
18:33
[SPEAKER_00]: A few years ago, I was reading a mystical book and came upon a section on the spiritual meaning of bird species, to my surprise, or perhaps not.
18:43
[SPEAKER_00]: According to that book, a Robin symbolizes a sailor.
18:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And as I was compiling this entire episode, Robins have filled my yard and have watched me through the window as I worked.
18:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Back at my parents' house, I couldn't sleep.
18:59
[SPEAKER_00]: My mom and I had been here before, and we didn't expect to be here again, to be caught in the jolting confusion of sudden loss.
19:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew from experience the pain that was coming for me.
19:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew the pain that was probably keeping my mother awake too.
19:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I worried about her.
19:16
[SPEAKER_00]: A part of my mom died with my brother, and now another part with my father.
19:22
[SPEAKER_00]: On some level, I knew this could be true for me too.
19:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I had lost myself when my brother lost himself.
19:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I could not go through that again with my dad, for I had a child who needed my care.
19:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I would not allow myself to slip away.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way I knew to control my feelings was to close off my heart.
19:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, and unintentionally in doing so, I lost myself again.
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I became a bit cold and hard at times when my mom was watery and weepy.
19:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It was difficult to accept that she had somewhat resigned from life.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to bolster her, but not with joy, with tough love and strength.
20:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say my brother's death was my first dark night of the soul, and my father's death my second.
20:08
[SPEAKER_00]: A few years later, I entered my third dark night of the soul.
20:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I was pregnant with our second baby, and our marriage came to an unexpected fork in the road.
20:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Thankfully, we were able to mend our relationship with the help of a lot of heart-to-heart conversations and several sessions of marriage counseling.
20:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Therapy brought me for the first time to the mirror
20:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I looked only for a brief moment.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a lot I wasn't seeing yet regarding the deep layers of shadow that lurked below the surface.
20:40
[SPEAKER_00]: However, I used this time before our second daughter's birth to dig through the many layers of shadows within our marriage and work to heal what had broken between us.
20:50
[SPEAKER_00]: With the other two tragedies in my life, I had no choice.
20:55
[SPEAKER_00]: The deaths of my brother and my father were beyond my control.
20:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And though I could not change the death of the first phase of our marriage, I could actively ensure that the second phase was healthier and more connected.
21:07
[SPEAKER_00]: My husband wanted a more profound connection to, so the work came from both of us.
21:13
[SPEAKER_00]: This was crucial for the long-term success of our relationship.
21:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Our love story is not how I wish I could have written it, but I have found such incredible depth and joy from being together and living with our family, so I know it was worth all our healing efforts.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: In 2014, two days before Halloween, I gave birth to our second sweet heart daughter.
21:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And the day after that, a message of love appeared in the sky, a double rainbow like the one on our wedding day.
21:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I marveled at the natural beauty in my arms and in the air.
21:48
[SPEAKER_00]: While wondering if the celebration of color in the sky was a gift from my dad, I was sad he would never get to hold her, but looked down at my baby's beautiful face and smiled, this one's for you my darling.
22:01
[SPEAKER_00]: The storm of heartache that rained upon us was clearing, and the glowing spectrum in the sky reflected the magnitude of gratitude I held for this gift.
22:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The rainbow has become a symbol for our family as we follow love that leads us to new chapters.
22:17
[SPEAKER_00]: My life house at this point was filled with both immense joy and immense pain.
22:22
[SPEAKER_00]: The ghost of wounds still lurked in the basement, and a path to an illuminated inner world was a slow one.
22:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But step by step, I got there.
22:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll share more about this in the next episode.
22:35
[SPEAKER_00]: So with this, I'll sign off.
22:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Stay tuned for a haunted house wakes up part two, where I share about becoming a clearer vessel, which allowed me to see the reflection of a spirit.
22:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Until then, much love.
22:50
[SPEAKER_00]: See you, Rose.