Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Home Alone For The Holidays

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Home Alone For The Holidays · I Do, Part 2

0:11
Speaker 1: I Do, Part two is an innovative podcast all about
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Speaker 1: finding love the second time around. But sometimes on the
0:17
Speaker 1: road to finding love the second time around, you end
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Speaker 1: up staying in singles town, maybe longer than you anticipated.
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Speaker 1: I'm one of your celebrity mentors, Cheryl Burke, and I'm
0:27
Speaker 1: joined today by fellow mentor Kelly ben Simone, and today
0:31
Speaker 1: we also have former star of The Bachelorette Dianas Dogliano.
0:35
Speaker 1: Welcome ladies to the podcast. How are you doing good?
0:40
Speaker 1: What's new?
0:41
Speaker 2: Just preparing for the big day?
0:45
Speaker 1: What big day?
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Speaker 2: The big day of being thankful and grateful?
0:51
Speaker 1: Which one? There's a big day of gratitude, Thanksgiving? Happy Thanksgiving?
0:56
Speaker 3: Yesterday was my birthday and just a week, you know
1:03
Speaker 3: what I mean, it's just been I think, like all
1:07
Speaker 3: of the things, like I'm just reeling in, like the
1:10
Speaker 3: kids and being divorced and wanting to have companionship, but
1:20
Speaker 3: not because I don't, you know. So I think I've
1:25
Speaker 3: just like really like rode the waves of all the
1:28
Speaker 3: things this week.
1:30
Speaker 1: How long have you been single?
1:32
Speaker 3: My divorce was final this year, but I have been
1:34
Speaker 3: single for probably three years.
1:36
Speaker 1: Got it same? I'm in the same boat, except I'm
1:38
Speaker 1: definitely not looking for companionship, and I'm loving it so
1:41
Speaker 1: much with Caeryl.
1:43
Speaker 3: I'm not either. I'm not either. I think it's deeply overrated,
1:48
Speaker 3: deeply overrated. I believe that we are built for companionship,
1:54
Speaker 3: and I really want that, I think in the long run,
1:57
Speaker 3: But like today, nah nah.
2:02
Speaker 2: See, I'm ready for I'm ready to meet someone I
2:06
Speaker 2: want to. I've been going to therapy. I've been, you know,
2:10
Speaker 2: going through this whole process on the podcast. Cheryl and
2:14
Speaker 2: I have had some really great moments together with TJ
2:18
Speaker 2: and Amy and Jenna, and I've just learned so much
2:22
Speaker 2: about myself. And I'm not saying that I'm ready to
2:29
Speaker 2: get married tomorrow, but I am am I The way
2:33
Speaker 2: that I'm dealing with my life, both personally and professionally,
2:37
Speaker 2: is different.
2:38
Speaker 3: Do you actually think that you'll get married again? Because
2:40
Speaker 3: I have a hard pass for me. I don't ever
2:43
Speaker 3: want to get married again.
2:45
Speaker 1: Deanna. People want they know you obviously from the Bachelor
2:48
Speaker 1: Bachelorette franchise. What I guess, tell our listeners a little
2:52
Speaker 1: bit about your love story and your journey.
2:54
Speaker 3: I guess, yeah, Well, I went on the show, so
3:00
Speaker 3: I did the Bachelor, and I was the final one.
3:08
Speaker 3: Was I was everyone's like pick at the end, like
3:11
Speaker 3: I was the one that I choose.
3:13
Speaker 2: Of course.
3:14
Speaker 3: And then I went on to be the bachelorette and
3:18
Speaker 3: I chose someone not not so great, but I did.
3:24
Speaker 3: And then I met my ex husband through the show
3:27
Speaker 3: because his twin brother was on a different season of mine.
3:32
Speaker 3: So I met my ex husband through the show, and
3:38
Speaker 3: we were married for twelve years and wow, together for
3:44
Speaker 3: what fifteen. So I'm very careful at this point because
3:53
Speaker 3: Addison in particular is very aware and seeing can see things,
3:59
Speaker 3: and her friends know who she is, they know who
4:03
Speaker 3: she is at school, they know me, and so I
4:06
Speaker 3: try to be really careful what I share. I had you,
4:11
Speaker 3: how I share it all good.
4:15
Speaker 2: I mean, I can understand that too because when I
4:16
Speaker 2: was on I was on the Real Housewives of New
4:19
Speaker 2: York when when my kids were five and seven, so
4:23
Speaker 2: I was on two thousand and nine, ten and eleven,
4:27
Speaker 2: and so when my kids were white because we're really
4:29
Speaker 2: young as well, and you know, I didn't feel like,
4:33
Speaker 2: first of all, I didn't feel like it was a
4:34
Speaker 2: safe place for me to talk about anything. And second
4:37
Speaker 2: of all, you know, I was when I was single
4:40
Speaker 2: being single in two thousand and nine was not sexy
4:43
Speaker 2: being you know, it was like, oh my god, I
4:45
Speaker 2: cannot believe you're not married, Like what's wrong with you?
4:48
Speaker 2: The choice of like you're saying like this empowered choice
4:51
Speaker 2: of saying I don't really know if I ever want
4:52
Speaker 2: to meet someone or you know, that kind of narrative
4:56
Speaker 2: just didn't exist. And so I commend you for being
5:01
Speaker 2: such a good mom and for protecting your daughter and
5:05
Speaker 2: your your children, because it's not easy in this important environment.
5:09
Speaker 3: Had a week, I literally have had a week, and
5:12
Speaker 3: I don't want to cry.
5:13
Speaker 1: But oh no, you should cry. It's good for you,
5:15
Speaker 1: it's good for everyone.
5:16
Speaker 3: I know. I know I've cried all week. We went
5:21
Speaker 3: to dinner last night for my birthday, and I was
5:23
Speaker 3: saying to my girlfriends that I was just like.
5:29
Speaker 1: That.
5:30
Speaker 3: I just feel like I am going to great links
5:39
Speaker 3: to protect my children. You know, I don't think I
5:45
Speaker 3: always realized this when I was younger, but I'm a
5:48
Speaker 3: product of divorce and the great links that my mother
5:55
Speaker 3: went through to protect me and my brother and my sister.
6:02
Speaker 3: But I find that I'm doing the same things for
6:04
Speaker 3: my children, and man, is it freaking exhausting. It's exhausting.
6:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, I also come from a I'm a product of
6:15
Speaker 1: a divorced family as well. And I don't know if
6:20
Speaker 1: this is the reason why I don't have kids or
6:21
Speaker 1: I don't I'm not I have no interest in it,
6:23
Speaker 1: but like it's just yeah, it's but what you're doing
6:28
Speaker 1: and by being aware of what you say, because you know,
6:32
Speaker 1: kids are very observant and smarter than we think. And
6:36
Speaker 1: I remember seeing my parents fight before they divorced, and
6:40
Speaker 1: it's just not like and then also talking about each other.
6:44
Speaker 1: It's just not healthy. It's not healthy.
6:46
Speaker 2: I mean, I raise my two kids on my own,
6:50
Speaker 2: so I was a full time single parent. It was
6:53
Speaker 2: no co parenting. And you know what you're going through
6:57
Speaker 2: right now is you know natural too. I mean, those
7:02
Speaker 2: feelings are real, and you know there's a lot of
7:05
Speaker 2: stress and pressure and you know it's our job to
7:11
Speaker 2: raise amazing kids the next generation. And it's like, you know,
7:15
Speaker 2: I would die. Don't come from a divorce. Both my
7:18
Speaker 2: parents were together for our entire life, and I never
7:22
Speaker 2: thought I would get divorced. But I got divorced because
7:24
Speaker 2: I wanted something better for my children. I wanted I
7:28
Speaker 2: thought it was better for me to parent my children
7:31
Speaker 2: just myself than to be in an environment that wasn't
7:34
Speaker 2: good for them. And you know, it's not easy. And
7:38
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, I'm not trying to say don't
7:40
Speaker 2: be hard on yourself, but you know, it's okay to
7:44
Speaker 2: feel to feel that pressure because it's it's it's heavy,
7:48
Speaker 2: it's heavy.
8:00
Speaker 3: I know you don't have kids, but like, I just
8:01
Speaker 3: sat in this space this week where I just felt
8:04
Speaker 3: like deeply sorry for myself, you know, as we're talking
8:07
Speaker 3: about like dating, going into the Hall of Dame stuff,
8:10
Speaker 3: you know, and I feel like deeply alone.
8:14
Speaker 1: By choice, by choice, but not lonely, right.
8:20
Speaker 3: I feel lonely mostly because I believe that we are
8:25
Speaker 3: built for companionship and partnership. They say, yeah, they say,
8:29
Speaker 3: they say. I also just like really love my life,
8:32
Speaker 3: and I make a.
8:32
Speaker 1: Love I hear you. But holidays bring like trigger something.
8:35
Speaker 3: Obviously I can do all the things that I this
8:40
Speaker 3: week in particular, and I don't know if it's just
8:43
Speaker 3: because it's been my birthday.
8:44
Speaker 1: And and Pluto just moved into a queries just saying yeah,
8:50
Speaker 1: after nineteen years, yes, yeah.
8:53
Speaker 3: And I feel like like lonely, you know, And I
8:58
Speaker 3: know that I'm not so deeply lonely that i would
9:02
Speaker 3: choose anyone because I have options, but they they aren't
9:09
Speaker 3: like great, and I'm okay with that. And I feel,
9:14
Speaker 3: I guess, really empowered in a place that I can
9:21
Speaker 3: say no, you know what I mean.
9:23
Speaker 1: It's a complete sentence.
9:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you have your kids with you, Diana? Foriday?
9:29
Speaker 3: My first Thanksgiving a loved kids, and my dad is
9:33
Speaker 3: going to come out with his wife. And I'm really grateful. Yeah,
9:37
Speaker 3: I'm really really grateful. It's just really difficult a few years.
9:45
Speaker 3: And I have really wonderful friends and I have I
9:49
Speaker 3: have a really great family and surroundings, you know, for
9:53
Speaker 3: people who will just come in and be with us
9:57
Speaker 3: when we need it. So my my dad is coming
10:00
Speaker 3: in this week, and I have the kids, and so
10:05
Speaker 3: I'm just trying to create really wonderful memories for them,
10:10
Speaker 3: make them happy and make them feel loved and make
10:13
Speaker 3: them want to be here.
10:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you for your vulnerability, because like, first of all,
10:18
Speaker 1: there's so many I can relate in many ways though
10:21
Speaker 1: I don't have kids. I mean, I can't say I
10:24
Speaker 1: never get lonely, Like it's literally I moved out of
10:26
Speaker 1: La to where I am with my frenchie and it's
10:30
Speaker 1: just me and my frenchie, and I don't have tons
10:33
Speaker 1: of friends in this where I live, in this town.
10:35
Speaker 1: And I also haven't really made much of an effort,
10:40
Speaker 1: like there has been a part of me that has ghosted,
10:42
Speaker 1: not just my ex husband, but like also my friend,
10:45
Speaker 1: like everything around me. I just feel is you know,
10:48
Speaker 1: we evolve and evolving until the day we die, and
10:52
Speaker 1: sometimes there is this feeling of loneliness. But I think
10:57
Speaker 1: I don't know. I like to not say it as
11:00
Speaker 1: only more like alone because of the transition that you know,
11:04
Speaker 1: people change and it's not bad nor good. It's not
11:07
Speaker 1: bad or good, Like there's no label other than the
11:09
Speaker 1: fact that I just want to give back to myself
11:13
Speaker 1: because I don't remember the last I don't think I've
11:15
Speaker 1: ever done this before where I've chosen me.
11:18
Speaker 3: You know who's first, who was first?
11:21
Speaker 2: Right?
11:21
Speaker 1: And I didn't know who was first until I actually
11:24
Speaker 1: had quiet time around me, because it's so easy to
11:27
Speaker 1: put everyone else in front of you.
11:31
Speaker 2: But they always say that you know, you're supposed to
11:33
Speaker 2: put your safety belt on first. And that's the other
11:35
Speaker 2: thing that has been really like a big lesson for
11:38
Speaker 2: me because I have always been the kind of person
11:42
Speaker 2: like whatever my kids want, whatever they want, whatever they need,
11:44
Speaker 2: Like what can I do? And when you put your
11:47
Speaker 2: safety belt on first and you protect yourself, then you
11:52
Speaker 2: are even a better protector of your children obviously what
11:56
Speaker 2: you're already doing. But it's just you know, when you're
11:58
Speaker 2: going through the birthday and kind of processing everything, it
12:04
Speaker 2: gets to be. You know, it gives me a lot.
12:06
Speaker 2: And you know, the nice thing is that you have
12:08
Speaker 2: this your friend group, which is amazing. Like I literally,
12:12
Speaker 2: I literally was so like mortified of like what I
12:17
Speaker 2: had done. Like I thought that I had like done
12:19
Speaker 2: this horrible thing by getting divorced and this like awful,
12:23
Speaker 2: you know thing that I shouldn't have done. I used
12:25
Speaker 2: to cry in my closet and you know, I just
12:29
Speaker 2: sit there on the floor because I don't want anybody
12:31
Speaker 2: to know.
12:32
Speaker 3: Kelly though, and Cheryl, maybe you feel the same. I
12:35
Speaker 3: felt so much grief and so much I was really embarrassed,
12:44
Speaker 3: so was I.
12:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I haven't dated and I've been like
12:48
Speaker 1: celibate for three years since my divorce, and I think
12:50
Speaker 1: that's all has to do with shame underneath all of it.
12:54
Speaker 3: Yeah, same for me, Same for me. I mean I
12:58
Speaker 3: think that there is this space that you just feel
13:01
Speaker 3: this deep, immense amount of pain and grief and just
13:07
Speaker 3: shame surrounding divorce.
13:10
Speaker 2: You know.
13:10
Speaker 3: I swear we were going through a divorce for a
13:13
Speaker 3: year before I ever said anything out loud because I
13:16
Speaker 3: was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. Yeah, and there
13:21
Speaker 3: is a cleansing piece of divorce and breakups, you know
13:26
Speaker 3: what I mean, Like you, you lose friends, and I
13:28
Speaker 3: lost really great friends and people that I thought that
13:32
Speaker 3: I really cared for. But there is a really beautiful
13:37
Speaker 3: grieving process when it comes to divorce and being single
13:42
Speaker 3: and loone and really sitting, you.
13:47
Speaker 1: Know, because the easiest thing is to numb and find
13:50
Speaker 1: somebody else quickly and find another physical body, you know,
13:53
Speaker 1: especially during like the holidays and exhibit a you go
13:58
Speaker 1: and do that, and men do that. Let's dive into
14:01
Speaker 1: the holidays. Speaking of the holidays, what's everyone's thoughts on
14:05
Speaker 1: on the holidays in general?
14:06
Speaker 2: I guess yeah that you go first.
14:08
Speaker 3: For me in particular, I'm just pouring into the kids,
14:11
Speaker 3: you know, Yeah, And I'm looking I have them their
14:14
Speaker 3: their mind, and I just I think for me, I
14:18
Speaker 3: have really gone out of my way and by healing
14:24
Speaker 3: and my therapy and everything else to make sure they're okay.
14:29
Speaker 3: I really worry about my children and what this will
14:35
Speaker 3: do to them and the damn it will cause.
14:39
Speaker 1: Are they in therapy? Do you put them in there?
14:41
Speaker 3: Yeh?
14:42
Speaker 1: I have to say, that's one thing my mother did
14:44
Speaker 1: with me, and God thank her, because it's just about
14:48
Speaker 1: putting a voice to the pain, right like, and if
14:50
Speaker 1: you can't and if you can't translate whatever you're feeling
14:53
Speaker 1: into a language, that's when it eats you up.
14:56
Speaker 3: Okay. I'm like, if they can just get to like
14:59
Speaker 3: six team, and I hope that they will look back
15:02
Speaker 3: and think, my mom went.
15:05
Speaker 1: To great lengths one hundred and that's what I think
15:07
Speaker 1: about my mother, like though the generation even though she
15:11
Speaker 1: needs to go to therapy, but she'll never because but
15:13
Speaker 1: at least she knew what to do with me. Because
15:16
Speaker 1: I have to tell you the trauma I've dealt with
15:18
Speaker 1: my stepsister who dealt with a similar story. She just
15:22
Speaker 1: died of an overdose. And it's like you literally can
15:25
Speaker 1: see like it was interesting. I mean, it's so sad
15:29
Speaker 1: and this happened a little over a year ago. But like,
15:31
Speaker 1: that's the difference between being in therapy versus not and
15:36
Speaker 1: it's like, yes, you need an outlet.
15:39
Speaker 3: And trauma affects us all. And I have said this
15:44
Speaker 3: openly across the board. When my ex husband asked to
15:49
Speaker 3: leave me, I chose to go to trauma therapy. I
15:52
Speaker 3: went three days a week for three hours a day,
15:55
Speaker 3: and it was literally the best decision that I ever
16:00
Speaker 3: ever could have done for myself, you know, and with
16:04
Speaker 3: that an example for my children.
16:06
Speaker 1: Absolutely. Well, let's talk about since this is a holidays episode,
16:20
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about my first year I guess
16:24
Speaker 1: of the holidays without my ex husband. I stayed busy
16:27
Speaker 1: because my new I'm sober for six years, but my
16:29
Speaker 1: new drug of choice is now productivity. So I numbed
16:36
Speaker 1: through making sure everyone came to my house so that
16:38
Speaker 1: I had to decorate, I had to cook, I had
16:41
Speaker 1: to do I had. My to do list was so
16:43
Speaker 1: freakin packed, jam packed that I didn't even think about
16:48
Speaker 1: the sadness. Now, is that the solution? Hell no, it's
16:51
Speaker 1: not the solution. I'm just running away from my problems.
16:54
Speaker 1: But now I have no plans as far as I'm
16:58
Speaker 1: not cooking I'm not cleaning. I'm going to meet my
17:00
Speaker 1: family at my sister's in laws or her in law's
17:04
Speaker 1: two bee's house, so that should be interesting. But at
17:07
Speaker 1: least it's driving distance, so I can always get in
17:09
Speaker 1: the car and go if I need to.
17:12
Speaker 3: Does that feel good for you? What to go and
17:16
Speaker 3: spend time with them.
17:17
Speaker 1: I don't know. I've never done it before, so it's
17:19
Speaker 1: a little bit scary for me, to be quite honest.
17:21
Speaker 1: And like I said, it's in Newport and where I live,
17:24
Speaker 1: it's about a couple hours away. But I can always
17:26
Speaker 1: get in the car and come back home if I
17:28
Speaker 1: need to. It's gonna be interesting because it's just, yeah,
17:31
Speaker 1: you're right, like, I've never really I don't even know
17:34
Speaker 1: who her in laws are personally.
17:37
Speaker 3: Struggle with that. I love love to my core. My
17:45
Speaker 3: ex husband's family, Oh yeah, I do. I really love them.
17:50
Speaker 3: I love my father in law. There has been some
17:55
Speaker 3: trauma within the family, and so that makes it really hard.
17:59
Speaker 3: So I think, you know, the whole piece of switching
18:02
Speaker 3: holidays and yeah, doing all of the things, it's there's
18:10
Speaker 3: also a piece of just like grief, do you know,
18:13
Speaker 3: of course, the family, not just my ex husband. There
18:18
Speaker 3: is grief in the family, like grieving my mother in law,
18:23
Speaker 3: who I just like literally love love at my core
18:28
Speaker 3: and she is salt of the earth, wonderful human being.
18:32
Speaker 1: I love that that at least you still feel like
18:34
Speaker 1: that after Do.
18:35
Speaker 2: You have any connection with her still or no?
18:38
Speaker 3: I do, Kelly. I think that we're just figuring it out.
18:42
Speaker 1: You know.
18:43
Speaker 3: I think that it's hard for her because it's her son, right,
18:47
Speaker 3: and I think at the end of the day, I
18:49
Speaker 3: have a lot of grace for the fact that she
18:52
Speaker 3: can't separate the two. Do you know what I mean?
18:56
Speaker 3: It's her son.
18:57
Speaker 1: Has he moved on? Has he is he dating?
18:59
Speaker 3: Do you know you're he's got a girlfriend?
19:01
Speaker 1: For Okay, Kelly, are you you were saying that you're
19:09
Speaker 1: still single?
19:09
Speaker 3: I am so single. I have chosen to do like
19:13
Speaker 3: dive into myself and do it. And he rushed into
19:17
Speaker 3: another relationship, which is there's also.
19:20
Speaker 1: That's the easiest, that's the easiest way to go, by
19:22
Speaker 1: the way it is, Kelly, say more, Kelly, come on, girl.
19:28
Speaker 2: Cheryl's like, I love Cheryl's celibate, She's sober, she's amazing,
19:31
Speaker 2: and I am I was like a complete train wreck,
19:34
Speaker 2: like until I started this podcast.
19:36
Speaker 1: Stop it. If you were to ask me why I'm
19:38
Speaker 1: choosing this path, that's a whole nother podcast.
19:41
Speaker 2: Okay, well I want to hear more about that.
19:44
Speaker 1: No, tell us your story for the holidays.
19:46
Speaker 2: You know, since I my ex husband is French and
19:50
Speaker 2: a lot older than I am, we spend a lot
19:55
Speaker 2: of time with my family. So I'm just so grateful
19:59
Speaker 2: to have been able to spend time with my twin
20:01
Speaker 2: brother and my sister and our family and my kids
20:06
Speaker 2: and their children, like always had like a really nice
20:08
Speaker 2: time together. Going by myself on a train or in
20:13
Speaker 2: a car or on a plane with my two kids.
20:16
Speaker 2: Always traveling alone was something that you know, I used
20:20
Speaker 2: to dread so much, and it was always like, you know,
20:24
Speaker 2: the kids, and then there's Kelly, and like, who's Kelly's
20:26
Speaker 2: going to sit next to because she's by herself. And
20:28
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously my family's beautiful to me, but I
20:32
Speaker 2: don't think that they ever knew that that would affect me,
20:36
Speaker 2: But it was always you know, where am I going
20:38
Speaker 2: to sit or who am I going to sit next to?
20:40
Speaker 3: Are you starting new traditions? Like now that you have
20:44
Speaker 3: this space of being your own and your your most
20:48
Speaker 3: powerful self. Are you starting new traditions with the kids.
20:51
Speaker 2: Well, so my but both of unfortunately both my parents
20:54
Speaker 2: are now deceased, and so I've been spending a lot
20:58
Speaker 2: of time, you know, continue to spend time with with
21:02
Speaker 2: my twin brother. This year, we're going to be with
21:05
Speaker 2: some family friends, which is really nice. But we were
21:07
Speaker 2: going to originally just be together, just the three of us.
21:10
Speaker 2: And it was very like strange how last year we
21:17
Speaker 2: had spent time with a man that I was going
21:19
Speaker 2: to be getting married to with his family.
21:23
Speaker 3: No, Daryl, tell her, don't ever do it again.
21:28
Speaker 1: So ever, Kelly, it was a godsend that it didn't happen.
21:31
Speaker 1: I'll just say that I.
21:32
Speaker 2: Was gonna see me on the street she met Kelly. No, Kelly,
21:35
Speaker 2: no bat see.
21:36
Speaker 3: I don't.
21:37
Speaker 1: I don't. The whole marriage concept is like it is
21:40
Speaker 1: what it is like. Look, I just don't think there's
21:42
Speaker 1: a rush. I think it's overrated. I'm decigned a contract.
21:46
Speaker 2: To get married, but I would like to have I've
21:50
Speaker 2: always wanted to have the life and the the relationship
21:55
Speaker 2: that I saw with my parents. I've always wanted that.
21:59
Speaker 2: I've always looked up to that and not like it's
22:03
Speaker 2: some like Disney movie. But I mean I literally like
22:05
Speaker 2: that's what. That's how I see myself throughout the next
22:10
Speaker 2: chapter of my life with a partner.
22:12
Speaker 1: Are you putting a lot of pressure on yourself, because
22:15
Speaker 1: I believe it's generational too, don't you think like in
22:17
Speaker 1: a way back then, maybe it's like there was no
22:20
Speaker 1: talk of divorce. I would assume Listen, I'm just going.
22:23
Speaker 2: Through this process. I just started this podcast, so I
22:25
Speaker 2: am like, you guys are like way beyond me. I'm
22:28
Speaker 2: still like, I'm still in like the guppy stage. So
22:31
Speaker 2: you guys have to give me a break because I
22:33
Speaker 2: literally just my first like one person podcast where I
22:37
Speaker 2: literally was crying and I couldn't even get the words out.
22:40
Speaker 3: I think I'm with Cheryl. I feel like I was like,
22:45
Speaker 3: I'm sure I value companionship, I value partnerships, I value commitment,
22:54
Speaker 3: all of those things I know longer now that I've
22:57
Speaker 3: already done it, I don't need to coke goal my money.
23:02
Speaker 2: My god, no, that is a hard lin know we
23:07
Speaker 2: are two individuals. Oh yeah, I literally called off my
23:11
Speaker 2: I called off my engagement because I was like, if
23:14
Speaker 2: you're not going to sign this prenup, there's no had
23:16
Speaker 2: a girl, no prenup, no me, no, no no co mingling,
23:20
Speaker 2: no no nor.
23:21
Speaker 3: Mama works hard and mama pays for her own place,
23:25
Speaker 3: and I pay for my own groceries and my own
23:28
Speaker 3: car and my own house children, And I don't need that.
23:32
Speaker 3: Correct love for someone to walk along beside me, I
23:35
Speaker 3: would like that, but a contract that binds it.
23:39
Speaker 1: We're not one just because we're together, does it not
23:42
Speaker 1: mean like it does two separate people, two separate lives,
23:45
Speaker 1: and hopefully we're compatible.
23:47
Speaker 2: Great, So, Diana, Like, what if you're walking, if you're
23:59
Speaker 2: in the super market, because you know that's where you meet.
24:01
Speaker 2: The hottest guys is always in the super Really, if
24:03
Speaker 2: you're a market you meet some hot gyme, what are
24:05
Speaker 2: you gonna do?
24:05
Speaker 3: No, they are not in Whole Foods. They are not.
24:07
Speaker 3: They're not standing next, they're not doing it. They're not.
24:13
Speaker 2: They probably are you just Chelsea, though I seriously never
24:16
Speaker 2: leave my house. By the way, just because you're wearing
24:19
Speaker 2: a hat doesn't mean that makes you hotter, by the way,
24:21
Speaker 2: it does.
24:22
Speaker 3: Stopping attention, I'm not listening to anyone and I don't
24:25
Speaker 3: pay attention at all whatsoever.
24:29
Speaker 1: But also's energy, right, Like if you are ready. When
24:31
Speaker 1: you are ready. There, you know, it's like, I'm my
24:34
Speaker 1: energy is like, don't look at me twice, that's what
24:37
Speaker 1: my energy is giving off.
24:38
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, you're so gorgeous. That's hard for a lot of people.
24:41
Speaker 2: They're like, You're like, don't look at me. They're like, oh,
24:43
Speaker 2: I don't.
24:43
Speaker 1: Leave my house, like I instacart, I don't go to
24:45
Speaker 1: grocery stores.
24:47
Speaker 2: By the way, I know a lot of people in
24:48
Speaker 2: Santa Barbara, like really good people. I'm gonna I'm gonna
24:50
Speaker 2: introduce you to.
24:51
Speaker 3: Okay, almost makeup here. It looks so.
24:54
Speaker 1: Perfect, Well, thank you, and it's just therapeutic for me.
24:59
Speaker 1: It takes me three hours get ready. I'm not kidding.
25:01
Speaker 2: Oh that's two three hours.
25:04
Speaker 1: But I don't have it.
25:05
Speaker 2: I'm a fifteen minute. Well today I got my hair
25:06
Speaker 2: blown out, but like if it's my own self, I'm
25:08
Speaker 2: like fifteen minutes, I'm I'm lay my clothes. I know
25:13
Speaker 2: exactly what I'm wearing. Boom.
25:16
Speaker 1: What can my listeners do that are listening on this
25:19
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving Day? What can they do to really, you know,
25:23
Speaker 1: I guess feel the void of being alone? Like any
25:26
Speaker 1: suggestions as far as keeping their spirits up.
25:30
Speaker 3: I okay, Kelly, forgive me. But I believe there is
25:34
Speaker 3: a really safe space being alone. I I genuinely love
25:41
Speaker 3: being alone. I think there is a spot where you
25:44
Speaker 3: can sit in your own self and get to know yourself.
25:49
Speaker 1: And that's so make sure of you.
25:52
Speaker 3: Oh, it's not always easy.
25:54
Speaker 1: It's called adulting.
25:56
Speaker 3: Like, wow, I'm like truly adulting.
25:58
Speaker 2: You guys, don't use words I don't know what they
26:00
Speaker 2: mean yet, don't use adulting and things like that.
26:02
Speaker 1: It's not fair adulting, Kelly, you better know what that means.
26:06
Speaker 3: I would say, it's not always easy. I have had
26:08
Speaker 3: a really tough week. I've looked at some heart in
26:14
Speaker 3: my life this week, and I have felt really lonely.
26:17
Speaker 3: I felt really really alone. And I think that's a
26:22
Speaker 3: very humanly nature thing to do, you know, to just
26:27
Speaker 3: sit in your own space and just feel really alone
26:30
Speaker 3: and want.
26:31
Speaker 1: Do you I mean, like, honestly, is it better? Like
26:35
Speaker 1: when someone feels let's say, lonely and they're having to
26:38
Speaker 1: go like this is the worst, Like when I have
26:40
Speaker 1: to go to a family gathering and the last thing
26:42
Speaker 1: I want to do is just pretend I'm happy and
26:44
Speaker 1: like all festive and like, you know, everyone's all in
26:47
Speaker 1: their couples, and my sisters with her fiance, my mom
26:50
Speaker 1: and my stepdad, and then it's like me and my
26:53
Speaker 1: little frenchie, who like snores really loud. And there's always
26:57
Speaker 1: this like awkward thing where it's like, ohky, hey, do
27:01
Speaker 1: I help with the deck? Or like what do you
27:02
Speaker 1: need help? Like what do I do? I guess what
27:05
Speaker 1: do you?
27:06
Speaker 3: I thrive? And it's like that I thrive like that
27:09
Speaker 3: I do because I do feel like a very strong woman.
27:14
Speaker 3: I feel very confident, I really empowered.
27:18
Speaker 1: Where do you get that from?
27:19
Speaker 3: You're raised, right, lots of trauma therapy, a lot, you know.
27:27
Speaker 3: I always was kind of this person, and then I
27:30
Speaker 3: got married and I lived in a marriage where there
27:34
Speaker 3: was a lot of brokenness and and trauma and just
27:48
Speaker 3: gaslighting and manipulation, and there was a lot of things.
27:52
Speaker 3: I was never going to please the man that I
27:55
Speaker 3: was with. I was never going to be pleasing. But
27:58
Speaker 3: to me, that's okay, because I'm not a pleasing human being.
28:03
Speaker 3: I love me and I love myself, and I feel
28:09
Speaker 3: very strong and very kind and secure and who I am.
28:15
Speaker 3: And there was a moment in time that that got
28:20
Speaker 3: taken away from me. Someone that I loved so much.
28:25
Speaker 3: I truly wanted to be a pleasing wife and what
28:30
Speaker 3: I thought the Bible designed for a woman to be.
28:36
Speaker 3: And I think that that just took everything from me.
28:41
Speaker 3: I lost who I was. And I think through tons
28:46
Speaker 3: of therapy and diving in dogs diving into me again,
28:55
Speaker 3: I'll never lose that ever again. I know who I am,
29:00
Speaker 3: I know what I want, I know how I want
29:02
Speaker 3: to be treated, and I will never ever settle and
29:06
Speaker 3: I will never ever lose me again. Preach I'll never
29:10
Speaker 3: do it.
29:10
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, it's interesting we were talking when
29:13
Speaker 2: you were talking about Cheryl. You know, you're talking about
29:16
Speaker 2: being being alone and gaslighting and you know all these
29:20
Speaker 2: things that are trying to like keep you know, break
29:22
Speaker 2: you down, and you know there is there have been moments,
29:25
Speaker 2: you know when because I am the provider, I'm the
29:28
Speaker 2: mom and the dad for my children, and you know
29:32
Speaker 2: when you're being like really pushed down like that, or
29:36
Speaker 2: you know, like just people are you know, trying to
29:38
Speaker 2: like make you feel like you're not doing what they
29:42
Speaker 2: you know, how they you should be doing it, or
29:45
Speaker 2: the way that they want you to do it, or
29:47
Speaker 2: you know the best way, this way whatever it is,
29:51
Speaker 2: or you're just not good enough for that moment. I
29:54
Speaker 2: think that, you know, for me, that was one of
29:56
Speaker 2: the times where I would just I could I could
30:00
Speaker 2: just feel it. I have really bad psoriasis, and I
30:03
Speaker 2: could just feel my psoriasis like it was just all
30:06
Speaker 2: it would just would just like start to go crazy
30:10
Speaker 2: and I could literally feel it, and and then I
30:15
Speaker 2: would just like close my eyes and I would just
30:17
Speaker 2: be like that. I'm like, I am not going to
30:22
Speaker 2: let anybody take me away from me. And for some
30:27
Speaker 2: weird reason like swearing at myself. This is after someone
30:32
Speaker 2: had gas let me and you know, told me that
30:34
Speaker 2: I was like awful and you know and liked me,
30:36
Speaker 2: and I had no friends and dah da dah I
30:38
Speaker 2: was going to be nobody, and I was always going
30:40
Speaker 2: to be nobody. Like every single guy I've ever dated,
30:42
Speaker 2: You're a nobody. You're an absolute nobody. You're a nobody,
30:46
Speaker 2: and uh even on television, like I was always a nobody.
30:50
Speaker 2: You're awful, human, fat, ugly, nobody, uneducated, I mean, even whatever.
30:55
Speaker 2: And I would literally just say that to myself with
30:59
Speaker 2: my eyes closed, and I swear to God, the energy
31:01
Speaker 2: just shift it and I'm like I'm not going to
31:03
Speaker 2: put up with anyone, and like the next day I
31:06
Speaker 2: would do something like wildly successful or you know, really
31:10
Speaker 2: good like whatever. I would run faster or do whatever
31:14
Speaker 2: it was. I don't know if that's healthy, but that
31:17
Speaker 2: was my way of coping with you know, just feeling
31:21
Speaker 2: like like really feeling like and I could feel myself
31:25
Speaker 2: also just like I could my adrenaline would be so
31:30
Speaker 2: high that I could feel myself actually losing weight. I
31:33
Speaker 2: know that sounds like a weird thing, but I could
31:35
Speaker 2: literally feel myself losing weight.
31:36
Speaker 1: No, I hear. I can relate so much. Like it's
31:40
Speaker 1: interesting because the body keeps the score, like it really does.
31:43
Speaker 1: So like when it comes to you know that book
31:44
Speaker 1: Cheryl A million times?
31:46
Speaker 3: I love it a million times.
31:48
Speaker 1: Have you read it, Kelly? You have to read it.
31:49
Speaker 2: Oh, I have to read this.
31:50
Speaker 1: I'm going to get it for you for Christmas. It
31:52
Speaker 1: is I mean, you can also listen to it on audible.
31:54
Speaker 1: It'll it's a doozy though, so maybe it's better to
31:57
Speaker 1: read it. But it is so true, like when you're talking,
32:00
Speaker 1: your sosias is being like activated in a way. It's
32:02
Speaker 1: your body, it's we I mean, I still have so
32:05
Speaker 1: much trauma. And this is why I also do somatic
32:08
Speaker 1: therapy as well. But like, this is why dance saved
32:11
Speaker 1: my life because it's like there is a way to
32:15
Speaker 1: tap into it, right and your body's telling you something, Kelly.
32:18
Speaker 1: So when you stood up for yourself, did it go away?
32:21
Speaker 2: For my own self? I told myself like I didn't
32:24
Speaker 2: have anyone. I didn't tell anyone. Oh my god, this
32:26
Speaker 2: is happening right. I just like, no one is going
32:29
Speaker 2: to tell me that I'm not good enough and I'm
32:33
Speaker 2: just going to go and be better because I wasn't
32:36
Speaker 2: going to like put up with it anymore.
32:37
Speaker 1: And you did it affect your body?
32:39
Speaker 3: Though?
32:39
Speaker 1: Like did you did it go away?
32:41
Speaker 2: I mean I would you know? I you know it
32:43
Speaker 2: would be you know EDB and flow of course throughout that,
32:46
Speaker 2: but you know it was not exactly the easiest thing.
32:49
Speaker 2: And like when you can see something, it's different when
32:51
Speaker 2: you it's different to feel something than when you actually
32:54
Speaker 2: see it on your body. And people are like, wow,
32:56
Speaker 2: you're you know, you're really irritated today or something's going
32:59
Speaker 2: on with your own and I'm.
33:00
Speaker 1: Just like you, I got hives all over my face, Okay,
33:14
Speaker 1: So I used to be a heavy drinker, and I
33:17
Speaker 1: was the type of drinker where you didn't know if
33:19
Speaker 1: I was drunk or sober. So that's the most dangerous
33:22
Speaker 1: type of alcoholic, I think. And when my father passed away,
33:25
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I took one sip of a
33:27
Speaker 1: vodka soda, which was my poison of choice, and I
33:30
Speaker 1: just broke out into hives because I hadn't dealt like literally,
33:35
Speaker 1: I mean, I stopped drinking for material reasons straight up,
33:38
Speaker 1: and then I just decided I just don't have any desire,
33:43
Speaker 1: I guess, to continue drinking. But like, it is very interesting,
33:48
Speaker 1: how like your boy, like you can feel it, like
33:50
Speaker 1: when I get anxiety, when my heart drops to my stomach.
33:53
Speaker 1: It's like and then yet we're all intuitive, like all
33:56
Speaker 1: of us have it right. It's just about trusting yourself
33:59
Speaker 1: and listening to your body, I guess, which is interesting.
34:04
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I don't want anyone to gaslight you. And
34:07
Speaker 2: if they are gaslighting you, text me and I will
34:10
Speaker 2: talk to you because I don't like that. So I'm like,
34:13
Speaker 2: now I'm going to be like the gaslighting cop. That
34:16
Speaker 2: just doesn't work for me, And I won't let anyone
34:19
Speaker 2: talk to me like that, and I definitely am not
34:21
Speaker 2: going to let anyone talk to you like that. So
34:22
Speaker 2: that's just not happening.
34:24
Speaker 3: A really unhealthy relationship teaches you what is not right.
34:28
Speaker 3: So I hopefully, hopefully I was a very secure attached
34:36
Speaker 3: human being before I got married.
34:38
Speaker 1: I feel like you are still. I was going to
34:40
Speaker 1: say that.
34:41
Speaker 3: Well, I am now, I know because I've tested since.
34:45
Speaker 1: I've Kelly, who are you remember we talked about this
34:48
Speaker 1: last time.
34:49
Speaker 2: I'm working on it. I'm a working progress.
34:51
Speaker 1: I've got to center that test.
34:53
Speaker 3: I am a very securely attached human being now, and
34:56
Speaker 3: I was before I got married. But somewhere along the
34:59
Speaker 3: way in a relationship, as I tried to find myself
35:03
Speaker 3: and tried to become this we I mean codependent, that's
35:10
Speaker 3: what we were, you know what I mean.
35:12
Speaker 1: I'm definitely there still.
35:14
Speaker 3: This person who relied on another human being. It took me.
35:18
Speaker 3: It was very hard for me to learn to rely
35:24
Speaker 3: on another human being. So there was the lines were
35:27
Speaker 3: very flawed with me when it came to relying on
35:32
Speaker 3: another human being and then being my own. And so
35:36
Speaker 3: when the mayor ended, it was very hard for me
35:41
Speaker 3: and very traumatic to reshape the lines.
35:45
Speaker 1: Because you were vulnerable and you basically let go of
35:49
Speaker 1: control right in order to be able to be that
35:52
Speaker 1: vulnerable person with somebody.
35:54
Speaker 2: Yes, And I see, I've never had that because I
35:57
Speaker 2: was a provider. I never I never was. I was
36:02
Speaker 2: codependent in the way that I would try to make
36:07
Speaker 2: myself feel like I needed that person even though I
36:10
Speaker 2: was the one doing all the work. And so it
36:12
Speaker 2: was this very like you know, this this crazy strong
36:16
Speaker 2: dynamic with myself of like, you know, can I trust
36:20
Speaker 2: this really trust this person, like you know, how much
36:23
Speaker 2: can I ask of them? And never like asking anything,
36:26
Speaker 2: like never saying like asking them a question or you know,
36:30
Speaker 2: second guessing anything like just never you know, which.
36:33
Speaker 3: Was codependency in general is really really really gross. I mean,
36:38
Speaker 3: it's just off.
36:39
Speaker 1: Have you read the book Codependent No More?
36:41
Speaker 2: I think I. But I definitely have had some codependency
36:44
Speaker 2: with some guys that I've dated in the past. I
36:46
Speaker 2: definitely have had that.
36:47
Speaker 3: Absolutely, there's a waterfall effect when you have codependency. Yes,
36:53
Speaker 3: you know how to be codependent. I think that it
36:56
Speaker 3: is a it is a slippery slope.
36:59
Speaker 1: But it's also different forms. Like I'm rereading it right,
37:02
Speaker 1: there's a new codependent. No more like a newer version,
37:04
Speaker 1: and I'm actually listening to it right now, and I'm
37:06
Speaker 1: shocked as to what I was hearing, because I was like, wait,
37:09
Speaker 1: I thought codependency meant like codependency like I need you
37:13
Speaker 1: in my I need another person in my life that
37:15
Speaker 1: I'm going to just rely on for everything. But it's
37:17
Speaker 1: not that. It's also being the breadwinner and also wanting to.
37:22
Speaker 3: Good morning, good morning, good morning. It's so great to
37:25
Speaker 3: hear from you. It's all the thing. So we were
37:28
Speaker 3: talking about dating into the holidays, and it's all of
37:32
Speaker 3: those things. I think about, why do I even bother?
37:37
Speaker 3: Why do I even bother dating simply because you slip?
37:44
Speaker 3: Or I also think, and Cheryl and Kelly tell me
37:48
Speaker 3: if I'm wrong, But I think I'm in a place
37:51
Speaker 3: that I'm too healed, I'm too therapized. I've had too
37:56
Speaker 3: much therapy.
37:57
Speaker 1: You think there's a such a thing as too much therapy?
38:00
Speaker 3: I am too therapies.
38:01
Speaker 1: Absolutely interesting. I've never heard that before.
38:04
Speaker 2: I haven't either.
38:05
Speaker 1: I've been in therapy since I was four. You're no,
38:07
Speaker 1: you're very you have it.
38:09
Speaker 2: You have such empathy, and you know, you're very verbal,
38:13
Speaker 2: and you're very open and communicative.
38:16
Speaker 3: Also in a place where like every time some god
38:19
Speaker 3: texts me every single morning, he's like, hey, good morning,
38:21
Speaker 3: and I'm like, nope, nope, this is a red flag.
38:24
Speaker 3: It's a red flag, hard red flag. No one should
38:27
Speaker 3: text you every single day. What aren't you doing? Don't
38:29
Speaker 3: you have a job? What is life?
38:33
Speaker 1: It takes two seconds, though, mind you to text good morning.
38:36
Speaker 2: I think that's nice that he's saying good morning. I
38:39
Speaker 2: think that's so thoughtful.
38:41
Speaker 1: No, it's not a red I think I think you're
38:42
Speaker 1: just not ready to be maybe in a relationship. That's okay, though, Yeah.
38:48
Speaker 2: I think it's good. It's nice to when you're when
38:50
Speaker 2: someone there's someone that you care about, when they say
38:53
Speaker 2: something like they send you like a meme or say
38:56
Speaker 2: good morning or wait.
38:58
Speaker 1: Why is it a red flag? I'm just out of cureuriosity.
39:01
Speaker 3: For me, it's a red flag because they don't know
39:03
Speaker 3: you yet. So I'm only saying that in a sense.
39:06
Speaker 1: I totally hear you. I get it.
39:08
Speaker 3: Yes, if you've only known that morning or two, they
39:11
Speaker 3: don't truly know you. Know, that's weird, depth of like
39:16
Speaker 3: your core. Uh, they shouldn't be texting you every single day.
39:20
Speaker 1: Like, I guess you asked for that, right, Like, that's
39:22
Speaker 1: one thing which I'm pretty sure I can bet my
39:25
Speaker 1: right ass cheek. You didn't ask for that.
39:27
Speaker 2: I didn't know, but I'm a Texter, so I that's
39:29
Speaker 2: what I do with my friends like work. I'm like,
39:31
Speaker 2: good morning, How are you hoping you have a drake
39:33
Speaker 2: great day? Like I'm that's like my way of.
39:36
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm too maybe I'm Can you start texting me that?
39:39
Speaker 1: That would be nice. I would definitely like put me
39:42
Speaker 1: on that chain. Copy paste, copy paste.
39:46
Speaker 2: No, I don't copy and paste. I write it myself.
39:48
Speaker 1: That's what I would do. I don't have the freaking
39:50
Speaker 1: I'm like, come on, how do we can how can
39:52
Speaker 1: I multitask though there's no such thing? What do you
39:55
Speaker 1: girls think about splitting the holidays with your kids? Like
39:58
Speaker 1: I remember I did that or I until my dad
40:00
Speaker 1: decided to move out of the country. But how do
40:05
Speaker 1: you feel about all that?
40:06
Speaker 3: I don't know if you're doing it yet, Kelly, are you.
40:08
Speaker 2: I've never split my I've always had my kids. I've
40:11
Speaker 2: only had I've been on holidays with my kids. I've
40:14
Speaker 2: never I've never i've had my ex's kids with us,
40:18
Speaker 2: but I've never not been with my children and I will.
40:22
Speaker 2: I mean, that's something that I'm in fear of. Is like,
40:26
Speaker 2: you know, I'm excited for them because my kids are
40:28
Speaker 2: so much older. Man, they're twenty four and twenty six.
40:31
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, but.
40:34
Speaker 2: What happens when they meet these there are these guys
40:37
Speaker 2: and they're like, Mom, we're going to go to so
40:39
Speaker 2: AND's ho's house. I want to be devastated. I'm I'll
40:40
Speaker 2: be like, what where.
40:43
Speaker 3: I would tell you my children are almost nine and
40:46
Speaker 3: almost and we split, and I would say it's really
40:50
Speaker 3: really hard. Oh, I see them. So this is my
40:53
Speaker 3: first Thanksgiving alone with the kids. So I'm thankful my
40:57
Speaker 3: dad and his wife will come out and be with us,
40:59
Speaker 3: because I was really worried about us being alone, you know,
41:05
Speaker 3: because I feel like I'm in this space where I'm
41:09
Speaker 3: just trying to go above and beyond to make sure
41:13
Speaker 3: the kids are are full and happy and loved and
41:19
Speaker 3: have this really wonderful life that they feel really full
41:24
Speaker 3: when they're with me, because I want them to love
41:27
Speaker 3: to be with me, and because I am single and
41:32
Speaker 3: he has a girlfriend. I also sit in this other
41:36
Speaker 3: space where I just want to choke her.
41:38
Speaker 1: Totally, girl, thank you.
41:41
Speaker 3: I am really grateful that she is kind.
41:44
Speaker 1: Totally you are, let's talk, let's be real.
41:47
Speaker 3: It is like a double edge. I am really thankful
41:50
Speaker 3: that she is kind to my children and that she
41:54
Speaker 3: is kind.
41:55
Speaker 1: She better be with the hell. You don't get a
41:57
Speaker 1: gold star to be kind.
42:00
Speaker 2: Husband up with a girl, I mean a woman, so
42:03
Speaker 2: that I could be like we're done. I literally was like,
42:06
Speaker 2: here's your new girlfriend or done?
42:09
Speaker 1: Stop it.
42:09
Speaker 2: I couldn't take it anymore.
42:11
Speaker 3: I did not do that.
42:12
Speaker 2: I did.
42:13
Speaker 3: You are with someone for so long, like I was
42:16
Speaker 3: with my ex husband for fifteen years, and.
42:18
Speaker 1: Then it is.
42:20
Speaker 3: Okay, So overnight I don't feel like I know him
42:26
Speaker 3: at all, Like like literally I went to sleep and
42:29
Speaker 3: I woke up and I'm like, who the heck is
42:31
Speaker 3: this human being? And just that alone, for me in particular,
42:36
Speaker 3: is really hard and it's really hard to grasp because
42:40
Speaker 3: when you marry someone and you're you're with someone for
42:43
Speaker 3: that long, you are most intimate with that human being.
42:48
Speaker 2: And so.
42:50
Speaker 3: From that and again, I didn't ask for divorce. It
42:53
Speaker 3: was his choice. Although I'm grateful for it now, I'm
42:57
Speaker 3: very happy now. It is amazing to me how it
43:01
Speaker 3: goes overnight you do not know that person anymore. They
43:06
Speaker 3: are no longer you're human.
43:07
Speaker 1: Is it the communication or like what happened?
43:11
Speaker 3: I think it's a number of things.
43:12
Speaker 2: See, mine was a slow death. Mine was like mine
43:15
Speaker 2: was like a Mine was like a crockpot where I
43:18
Speaker 2: was like in there just boiling up, boiling up. I
43:21
Speaker 2: was like, I was like, Okay, it's continuing, it's continuing,
43:26
Speaker 2: there's continuing. I can only handle so much, Like I
43:30
Speaker 2: couldn't take it.
43:31
Speaker 3: Because I am so loyal to a fault. I am
43:34
Speaker 3: loyal to a fault to myself that I likely would
43:37
Speaker 3: have wrote it out for sixty years. I would have
43:39
Speaker 3: stayed married. I would have been in this unhappy marriage
43:44
Speaker 3: for sixty years for the rest of my life. I
43:46
Speaker 3: would have seen my children graduate high school and college
43:49
Speaker 3: and get married and have children themselves. And I would
43:52
Speaker 3: have lived in this unhappy marriage had he not chosen
43:57
Speaker 3: to leave.
43:58
Speaker 1: But it's a blessing because like if I my mom
44:01
Speaker 1: didn't choose to leave my father, I don't think I
44:04
Speaker 1: would be here today because kids are very observant, as
44:07
Speaker 1: you know, and we can feel it all. So it's
44:10
Speaker 1: like at the end of the day. What's the healthiest scenario?
44:14
Speaker 2: You know, I mean, I agree with you down too, Like,
44:15
Speaker 2: I mean, I would have stayed even though it was
44:18
Speaker 2: just such a horrible situation. Like I didn't know any
44:21
Speaker 2: I'm from Rockford, Illinois. I mean, no one gets divorced
44:23
Speaker 2: in Rockford.
44:24
Speaker 3: Illinois and they're like, Kelly, no one.
44:28
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, like I'm old is but I just why.
44:32
Speaker 2: No one knows the true story. No one knows what
44:35
Speaker 2: Rockf Illinois is exactly. But like people, people would get
44:39
Speaker 2: divorced there, and I was like, my when like someone
44:42
Speaker 2: got divorced my parents be like they got divorced. I
44:45
Speaker 2: was like, oh my god, what does that mean? What happened?
44:47
Speaker 2: Like is it infectious? Like is it contagious?
44:49
Speaker 1: But that's why it's important to have these conversations because
44:52
Speaker 1: it's normal, I know.
44:53
Speaker 2: But my point is I'm with like Deanna, like I
44:55
Speaker 2: would have stayed. I just I just could. I just
44:58
Speaker 2: couldn't do it anymore. My kids were growing up and
45:02
Speaker 2: it was just like so much. It was I was
45:05
Speaker 2: alone so much, and then what I was exposed to
45:09
Speaker 2: on top of that, it was just like I couldn't
45:12
Speaker 2: handle it.
45:12
Speaker 1: It's glad you guys didn't stay.
45:14
Speaker 3: The kids said to me once I finally moved into
45:17
Speaker 3: a place on my own and we were here for
45:19
Speaker 3: a year, and I said to the kids, how are you?
45:22
Speaker 3: How are you feeling? You know? And again, I'm pro
45:24
Speaker 3: mental health. I have had them in therapy. I'm doing
45:27
Speaker 3: all of the things to make sure that they, god,
45:30
Speaker 3: I hope turn out okay and as as possible, I'm
45:34
Speaker 3: trying all of the all of the things. But I
45:37
Speaker 3: remember saying to my kids, you know, how how are you?
45:41
Speaker 3: What do you think now that it's just me here
45:44
Speaker 3: and Daddy's in his own space. And the kids looked
45:47
Speaker 3: at me and they said, we're really grateful we don't
45:50
Speaker 3: have to hear you fight anymore.
45:51
Speaker 1: Oh, right do they are? They open? Wow to you
45:56
Speaker 1: with the feelings.
45:57
Speaker 3: Tell me that's all like gut wrenching. Tell me that
45:59
Speaker 3: not just got wrenching real To this day, I could
46:04
Speaker 3: sob right now because I would say that Stephen and
46:09
Speaker 3: I both thought we were doing a really good job
46:11
Speaker 3: to hide it from them.
46:13
Speaker 1: To oh, it's just like we're like my parents never
46:17
Speaker 1: fought in front of me, but like I felt it heavy.
46:20
Speaker 1: It was heavy.
46:21
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So I think I thought we were doing
46:25
Speaker 3: a really good job of protecting the kids.
46:29
Speaker 1: But really, but you did by breaking up. Seriously though seriously,
46:34
Speaker 1: I can't even it's hard probably to see. I mean,
46:37
Speaker 1: for me, I don't I honestly think I would have.
46:39
Speaker 1: I already have a bad pattern of picking of men
46:43
Speaker 1: because I never really had a stable man in my
46:45
Speaker 1: life as far as when I was a young girl.
46:47
Speaker 1: But like, I don't even think I think I would
46:50
Speaker 1: have been off my rock or if I if I
46:53
Speaker 1: witnessed more than what I witnessed with my parents.
46:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that I learned through lots of that.
47:01
Speaker 3: I come from a long history of abandonment. Like my
47:07
Speaker 3: mother died when I was young, and that's a source
47:09
Speaker 3: of a man. I'm sorry my dad left my mom,
47:13
Speaker 3: and that is a source of abandonment. And I'm like,
47:16
Speaker 3: he ever chose me. He always chose women over me,
47:19
Speaker 3: And pretty much every relationship that I have had since
47:23
Speaker 3: has been men that have abandoned me. So I think
47:28
Speaker 3: that I am finally in a place in my life
47:32
Speaker 3: or I'm just I'm not willing to do that any longer.
47:36
Speaker 3: I want someone and I don't care who they are.
47:39
Speaker 3: I don't care what they look like. I don't care
47:41
Speaker 3: what they do for a living. I don't care how
47:43
Speaker 3: much money they make. I just want to feel loved
47:47
Speaker 3: and chosen, and I won't settle for less than that.
47:52
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. I was attracted to the bad boy, so like,
48:05
Speaker 1: I hope to get to where you are, because that's all.
48:10
Speaker 1: I didn't have that father figure, you know. Yeah, but yeah,
48:13
Speaker 1: I also come from abandonment. I am very much anxious attachment. Hello,
48:17
Speaker 1: my name is Cheryl Burke, and I am anxious attachment
48:21
Speaker 1: and recovering alcoholic. So, uh, there's that. How about you, Kelly,
48:27
Speaker 1: Are you into solo traveling during the holidays or in
48:30
Speaker 1: general when you're single.
48:31
Speaker 2: I mean, I've done it for the entire time, always
48:35
Speaker 2: just traveled.
48:35
Speaker 1: With my kids, like for the on vacation and stuff.
48:38
Speaker 2: And that you know that mom just with her kids.
48:40
Speaker 2: Everyone else is like, you know, the kids are the mother.
48:43
Speaker 2: Father and mother are screaming at their kids, and I'm
48:46
Speaker 2: just like sitting there, my kids are not moving. And
48:49
Speaker 2: I also I'm like, wait a minute, this is so
48:51
Speaker 2: not fair, Like I'm the one that's sitting there and
48:54
Speaker 2: my kids are well mannered, and everybody else has like
48:56
Speaker 2: a co parent and the kids are running around like
48:58
Speaker 2: like you know wild. I'm like, how is this fair?
49:02
Speaker 1: You have your kids in check and then you've got
49:04
Speaker 1: two grown ass adults.
49:06
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, Why why do I have to be that person?
49:08
Speaker 2: Why can't I Why can't my kids be like, you know,
49:11
Speaker 2: drinking too much coca cola? And like, how.
49:13
Speaker 1: About solo traveling without kids?
49:15
Speaker 3: Way too much sugar coca cola.
49:17
Speaker 2: I'm just kidding. We did miss a flight though, once
49:19
Speaker 2: because my kids were like on their phones and I
49:21
Speaker 2: just was like, okay, you guys are to be responsible.
49:24
Speaker 2: We totally missed the flight. My twin brother was like incensed,
49:27
Speaker 2: what are you guys doing. I'm like, we missed the flight.
49:30
Speaker 2: We never missed a flight since them.
49:32
Speaker 1: How about solo traveling without kids? I love traveling solo.
49:35
Speaker 2: I have so much anxiety when I travel.
49:37
Speaker 3: No, Kelly, it's.
49:38
Speaker 1: The best thing to me, and you love it so much.
49:40
Speaker 2: But because I wasn't. When I wasn't, I was. I
49:42
Speaker 2: started modeling when I was fifteen, so I traveled so
49:45
Speaker 2: much as a young as a young person and just
49:50
Speaker 2: traveling like all over the place. Like people are like, oh,
49:53
Speaker 2: modeling is so great. You are always by yourself on
49:57
Speaker 2: a plane to like Asia to your to California to
50:01
Speaker 2: New York, and it's like one day here, one day there,
50:05
Speaker 2: and by yourself. It was so much. And then when
50:08
Speaker 2: my kids travel, I mean, I couldn't even travel with
50:11
Speaker 2: my kids. I couldn't even drive a car for a
50:13
Speaker 2: long for a long period of time, I couldn't be alone.
50:17
Speaker 3: I'm a corporate flight attendant. I've done it for over
50:19
Speaker 3: fourteen years. I love it. If I am home too long,
50:26
Speaker 3: I feel lost. I need to be on the road.
50:29
Speaker 3: I need to be traveling. I need to go and
50:31
Speaker 3: be somewhere and stay in a hotel. And I love
50:35
Speaker 3: hotels all of the things. But Kelly, you said, people
50:39
Speaker 3: are always like, oh my gosh, your life is so amazing.
50:42
Speaker 3: You're traveling to all these places and you're going all
50:46
Speaker 3: over the world. And you know what I would say
50:49
Speaker 3: is I do it alone. I am alone most of
50:53
Speaker 3: the time. And I do genuinely love my job. I
50:57
Speaker 3: love what I do. I love the family that I
51:00
Speaker 3: I am so deeply grateful for them and for the paycheck.
51:04
Speaker 3: And I could put a roof over the kids heads.
51:06
Speaker 3: But I do it alone all the time. I'm alone
51:11
Speaker 3: on the road ninety nine and a half percent of
51:16
Speaker 3: the time.
51:16
Speaker 1: Would you like to not be alone? Would you want
51:18
Speaker 1: someone to travel?
51:19
Speaker 3: I think that if I could live in a perfect
51:21
Speaker 3: world and I were to have someone and choose someone,
51:25
Speaker 3: I would love it if they would join me. Yes,
51:28
Speaker 3: that would be because I genuinely love to travel and
51:31
Speaker 3: I deeply love my job. I think if I were
51:35
Speaker 3: to find someone and they were a good match for me,
51:38
Speaker 3: it would it would be for them to join me
51:41
Speaker 3: on the road. Yeah.
51:41
Speaker 1: Has it ever been like a thing where you were
51:44
Speaker 1: dating and let's say it's just too hard because of
51:46
Speaker 1: your schedule of traveling.
51:47
Speaker 3: Or yeah, I'm listen, why do you think I'm still single?
51:52
Speaker 1: Well, I mean I don't travel so now I would
51:56
Speaker 1: say that it is literally my life revolves around my
52:00
Speaker 1: job or I.
52:01
Speaker 3: Have the kids.
52:01
Speaker 1: Yeah. Have you met anyone traveling like that?
52:04
Speaker 2: I have?
52:05
Speaker 3: And I think that I meet really great people when
52:08
Speaker 3: I'm on the road. I would I meet people that
52:11
Speaker 3: I would actually really like to have a relationship with.
52:16
Speaker 3: But I'm on the road.
52:18
Speaker 2: You know, it's interesting, is that too? Like, you know,
52:20
Speaker 2: I travel a lot for work now as well, and
52:25
Speaker 2: you know, I find myself even though I can't. I
52:27
Speaker 2: don't have to come home. I mean, my kids are older,
52:30
Speaker 2: they go to work, they have their own jobs. But
52:32
Speaker 2: I find still find myself. When I was a model,
52:35
Speaker 2: I'd be like, I just take the right eye home.
52:36
Speaker 2: I have to get home, you know. I always have
52:38
Speaker 2: to get home to my kids. Always had to get
52:39
Speaker 2: home to my kids. And I still do the same thing.
52:42
Speaker 2: I'm like on a flight six am to Florida and
52:44
Speaker 2: I'm on a flight coming home, like wait, I could
52:47
Speaker 2: be staying overnight, i could be feeling gorgeous like wherever
52:49
Speaker 2: I am, and I'm like on a plane to be
52:53
Speaker 2: back home just in case. I'm always like just in case,
52:55
Speaker 2: good mom, No, But I mean like dance right, Like,
52:59
Speaker 2: I mean, it's one thing to be alone, and I understand.
53:03
Speaker 2: I understand what I do and how I do it.
53:06
Speaker 2: But you know, I also can like maybe give myself
53:09
Speaker 2: a little I can actually give myself a little grace
53:12
Speaker 2: and say, like it's okay to do some things that
53:16
Speaker 2: I may like, yeah, like why.
53:19
Speaker 1: Not, and like pamper yourself and give back to yourself, right.
53:24
Speaker 2: I mean I think it's so I love when John
53:27
Speaker 2: said she gave you know, she gives a lot of
53:28
Speaker 2: other people all disgrace, But I think too we need
53:32
Speaker 2: to also really give ourselves. I mean's you know, that's
53:35
Speaker 2: the lesson, that's the takeaway that I'm getting from today,
53:38
Speaker 2: is like giving myself some grace.
53:39
Speaker 1: And I think that's what we do when we choose
53:41
Speaker 1: to be single. To be quite honest, though it's hard,
53:44
Speaker 1: and at times especially I think around the holidays it
53:47
Speaker 1: gets triggered for me at least, But what are also
53:50
Speaker 1: some great things about being single over the holidays other
53:54
Speaker 1: than I don't have to I mean, I used to
53:56
Speaker 1: go all out with my ex husband. I paid for crazy.
53:59
Speaker 3: Yes, listen, you can come home. I have the best house,
54:06
Speaker 3: I have the best neighbors, and I pay for it.
54:10
Speaker 1: All by myself.
54:11
Speaker 3: Good for you, and whatever I want, and I can
54:14
Speaker 3: watch whatever I want, and I can do whatever I want. Amen,
54:19
Speaker 3: A lot of piece in that.
54:20
Speaker 2: And eat whatever you want and whatever time you want. Yes,
54:25
Speaker 2: we'll throw the mask on whatever in your pajamas, pimple patches.
54:30
Speaker 2: No one can say a word.
54:32
Speaker 3: If someone is coming into this. If they are, they
54:36
Speaker 3: have to be really great because it's going to take
54:38
Speaker 3: a lot for me to give up what have right now?
54:42
Speaker 1: Why do you have to give up what you have?
54:44
Speaker 1: Men are needy? Yeah, but then no, you're not. No. No,
54:48
Speaker 1: You remember we talked about in the beginning with two individuals,
54:51
Speaker 1: you know, right coming into this thing so called relationship.
54:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that I will never ever again. I will not.
55:00
Speaker 3: I'm going to I'm going to be me and live
55:04
Speaker 3: my life and still full in this aspect. And I
55:11
Speaker 3: will only ever choose to bring someone else into that
55:14
Speaker 3: if they add to it.
55:16
Speaker 1: Correct.
55:17
Speaker 2: But I'm just trying to think back to to Cheryl's
55:20
Speaker 2: question about like what are the things that like are
55:22
Speaker 2: good to be when you're you know, why is it
55:23
Speaker 2: good to be single during the holiday? So you can
55:25
Speaker 2: eat what you want, drink what you want, where what
55:28
Speaker 2: you want where, the makeup that you want, The fragrance that.
55:31
Speaker 1: You make gives for yourself instead of taking.
55:33
Speaker 2: It gifts for yourself. No one is micromanaging or.
55:38
Speaker 1: Also the in laws, like not everyone has great in
55:41
Speaker 1: laws or had great in laws. You know, it's like
55:43
Speaker 1: you were lucky, data, I was lucky.
55:46
Speaker 3: I'm still really lucky. I really love them.
55:48
Speaker 1: Before we wrap it up, what are you guys both
55:50
Speaker 1: looking forward to this holiday season?
55:53
Speaker 2: What am I looking forward to? You know, I moved
55:57
Speaker 2: out of my apartment into an apartment with my ex
56:00
Speaker 2: fiance and back into my own a little apartment, which
56:03
Speaker 2: I actually love. It's like a hug and to you know,
56:07
Speaker 2: have our tree after things to you know, tomorrow we're
56:09
Speaker 2: gonna get our tree and just really just enjoy our
56:16
Speaker 2: holiday together and just do things together. And I told
56:19
Speaker 2: my daughter, I was like, I want to go skating.
56:21
Speaker 2: I just wanted to like do like real things together,
56:26
Speaker 2: like not a much shopping, but just like whatever they
56:28
Speaker 2: want to do or the movies. Just do things that
56:30
Speaker 2: like make us a strong family.
56:32
Speaker 3: You know.
56:32
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm gonna cry.
56:34
Speaker 3: I know I've wanted to cry a thousand times.
56:37
Speaker 1: I don't have kids, Hence why there's a dry eye
56:39
Speaker 1: over here.
56:40
Speaker 2: I'm just so happy to like be with my girls,
56:43
Speaker 2: and I am I'm just like just be with us,
56:46
Speaker 2: like us and like not like you know, if the
56:50
Speaker 2: present's not right or you know, I just am like
56:52
Speaker 2: I just don't want that. I want to just like
56:55
Speaker 2: spoil my kids and show them how much I love
56:57
Speaker 2: them and just wear pajamas with Vietnam.
57:01
Speaker 1: Oh, you guys are such good moms. Do you want
57:02
Speaker 1: to adopt me. I'm just kidding.
57:05
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you. Send me your address. I'll send you
57:07
Speaker 3: Christmas present.
57:12
Speaker 1: My love language is not a gift. It's not gift giving.
57:15
Speaker 1: It's like, it's not it's what's the one where someone
57:19
Speaker 1: has to like clean up after himself? What's that called
57:22
Speaker 1: a grown man? Yeah? Right house? New Year's resident? Yeah exactly,
57:28
Speaker 1: my babysitter. That's what I need for Christmas. What are
57:32
Speaker 1: New Year's any New Year's resolutions scales?
57:36
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm not good with resolutions.
57:39
Speaker 1: I'm either I think like, actually, I need to stop shopping.
57:43
Speaker 1: I'm an addict. Hi, my name is Cheryl and I'm
57:46
Speaker 1: an addict. We know this, but now I find it
57:49
Speaker 1: therapeutic to It's Black Friday right now on Amazon. Just
57:52
Speaker 1: letting you know.
57:53
Speaker 3: I know shopping first step for the kids.
57:56
Speaker 1: It's in You should have seen it yesterday. It was
57:58
Speaker 1: box like it was it, I mean whatever, it made
58:01
Speaker 1: me feel good thought time.
58:03
Speaker 3: I think if I could just stop eating, that would
58:06
Speaker 3: be really good. Like if I could just.
58:10
Speaker 2: We don't want you to stop eating, we want you
58:12
Speaker 2: to be.
58:14
Speaker 1: And by the way, you're like a professional cook. I
58:17
Speaker 1: swear I was looking for me.
58:20
Speaker 3: I am. I said it before but I am really,
58:22
Speaker 3: really grateful that I love my job and I love
58:26
Speaker 3: what I do, and I genuinely love to cook hot pockets.
58:32
Speaker 1: You don't understand. I was raised with hot pockets, so.
58:35
Speaker 3: Like hot pockets. I love anything between a pop past eating.
58:38
Speaker 1: I love me some hot pockets. See.
58:41
Speaker 2: I can make food, but I'm not sure if it's
58:43
Speaker 2: good or not.
58:45
Speaker 3: I feel like I genuinely why don't.
58:48
Speaker 1: You taste it?
58:50
Speaker 2: Taste it? I have a windex on it. You kidding me?
58:54
Speaker 1: I bake because I'm O c D and I am
58:57
Speaker 1: to the measurement.
58:58
Speaker 2: You guys are great for me to be around. I
59:00
Speaker 2: need to be around more of you guys, you guys
59:01
Speaker 2: more because like you're good for me, are a good balance.
59:04
Speaker 2: I need more OCD. I need more, you know the
59:06
Speaker 2: nerds from Diana like, I look.
59:08
Speaker 3: Like, okay, I'll put everything's gonna be okay.
59:14
Speaker 1: Everything will be okay. And if it's not just numb
59:17
Speaker 1: through productivity.
59:18
Speaker 2: It works. Let's say I'm not a big resolution like,
59:24
Speaker 2: I'm more of a solution kind of person. Yeah, that's
59:28
Speaker 2: my thing with my kids. I'm like, okay, what's this.
59:31
Speaker 2: We know what the problem was. What's the solution That's
59:33
Speaker 2: what I tell them all the time. So we know
59:36
Speaker 2: what the problem is from last year and I'm not
59:40
Speaker 2: married and I am moving forward.
59:43
Speaker 1: Problem is that a problem?
59:45
Speaker 2: Yeah? Wait, where the solutions? It was a blessing, It
59:48
Speaker 2: was a blessing. But this year. My solution for this
59:53
Speaker 2: year is to do more things that make me genuinely happy,
59:58
Speaker 2: so that like I went beginning when we were talking
1:00:01
Speaker 2: about putting on my safety belt, just so that I
1:00:03
Speaker 2: feel happy, and so then I can express that to
1:00:07
Speaker 2: other people. And that's what I really really want, because
1:00:10
Speaker 2: then I can be more productive and maybe a better cook,
1:00:16
Speaker 2: maybe a kinder person, maybe a better human.
1:00:22
Speaker 1: Maybe you'll just love yourself more and realize, you know what,
1:00:24
Speaker 1: I hate cooking, So I'm not going to waste my time.
1:00:27
Speaker 3: Don't don't do it.
1:00:29
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna go over to your eyes house.
1:00:31
Speaker 1: You like do you start coming from you stock her
1:00:34
Speaker 1: Instagram like I did. She made some like amazing hot
1:00:37
Speaker 1: pockets with like eggs in it.
1:00:39
Speaker 2: Love delicious.
1:00:42
Speaker 1: Oh god, that sounds good. I'm just gonna be over
1:00:46
Speaker 1: here eating stuffing until I blow up. So thanks to
1:00:51
Speaker 1: my single sisterhood, this was great chatting with you both,
1:00:54
Speaker 1: and we want to wish all of you listening a
1:00:57
Speaker 1: happy Thanksgiving and holiday season. Here for you listeners during
1:01:01
Speaker 1: these colder months. So if you are single and want
1:01:05
Speaker 1: some advice, we want to hear from you. Call us
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