Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 384. How to stop putting up with peoples’ bullsh*t & set a standard for how you are treated.

Transcript

384. How to stop putting up with peoples’ bullsh*t & set a standard for how you are treated. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of
0:14
Speaker 1: today's So this is a I like to think, a
0:18
Speaker 1: fucking great episode. On this episode, we're going to be
0:21
Speaker 1: talking about how to stop putting up with people's bullshit,
0:24
Speaker 1: how you can start setting a standard for how you
0:27
Speaker 1: are going to be treated in every aspect. So not
0:30
Speaker 1: only do I talk about set things on how to
0:33
Speaker 1: basically teach people how to treat you, but I'm also
0:37
Speaker 1: going to be talking about specific scenarios that you might
0:40
Speaker 1: get caught up in and you're like, I don't know
0:42
Speaker 1: how to react in this scenario, whether it's in public,
0:46
Speaker 1: whether it's in private, whether you're talking about in the
0:48
Speaker 1: dating scene, whether you're talking about wanting to gain more
0:50
Speaker 1: confidence at a certain area, how to stand up for yourself,
0:53
Speaker 1: how to ask for what you want. I'm going to
0:55
Speaker 1: be addressing all of the above. Okay, So that is
0:59
Speaker 1: what this podcast EPISOD. So it is going to be about,
1:01
Speaker 1: get your fucking pen and paper out, We're going to
1:03
Speaker 1: take notes, We're going to dive deep. It's going to
1:05
Speaker 1: be educational, inspirational, and aspirational, whatever any other word that
1:11
Speaker 1: kind of meshes with those ones. Before we get started,
1:16
Speaker 1: I have a brain fact. Now, full disclosure, this is
1:19
Speaker 1: a brain factor that I have done in the past,
1:22
Speaker 1: but I wanted to add a little bit more into
1:24
Speaker 1: it because we're talking about lth andine, and lthanine is
1:28
Speaker 1: something that well, I'm going to talk about it in
1:30
Speaker 1: a second. But one thing that I didn't really mention
1:33
Speaker 1: in the last time that I spoke about l f
1:35
Speaker 1: andine was how much lfanine is in mucha. I did
1:38
Speaker 1: mention about green tea and different types of green tea,
1:42
Speaker 1: but I want to specifically talk about macha and why
1:45
Speaker 1: mucha is such a great source of lthanine versus other
1:49
Speaker 1: also really good sources. Okay, So the brain fact of
1:53
Speaker 1: today is basically elthanine. So what is it? How does
1:56
Speaker 1: it affect the brain, How does it alleviate stress, Its
2:01
Speaker 1: implications on mood disorders, How it affects anxiety, It can
2:06
Speaker 1: also assist with sleep. So what is it? Basically, it's
2:08
Speaker 1: a naturally occurring non protein amino acid, and it is
2:14
Speaker 1: found in very high quantities in green tea, in all
2:18
Speaker 1: different kinds of green tea. Okay, Now, the reason why
2:22
Speaker 1: it's such an interesting amino acid why a lot of
2:24
Speaker 1: people you might hear a lot of people banging on
2:26
Speaker 1: about why you should be taking elthenine is because of
2:29
Speaker 1: this these amazing effects that it has on the brain,
2:32
Speaker 1: not just on human brains, but you see it in
2:34
Speaker 1: a lot of studies on rat models and in mice
2:38
Speaker 1: models as well. I was about to say, in rice models,
2:40
Speaker 1: rat and mice models. So it's pretty cool all the
2:44
Speaker 1: benefits that your brain will get from consuming elthenanine. And
2:47
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about a study that was done
2:50
Speaker 1: as well, and hopefully it will inspire you to get
2:55
Speaker 1: amongst it. And if you're someone that's like I've tried much,
2:58
Speaker 1: I'm not about it. It is not fucking it for me,
3:02
Speaker 1: then green tea is still sensational for you and for
3:06
Speaker 1: your brain. Okay, you'll be wanting to fucking drink a
3:09
Speaker 1: cup of much of green tea daily, if not twice
3:11
Speaker 1: a day after listening to this, So basically, let's talk
3:15
Speaker 1: about it. The molecular structure. I fucking love molecules so much.
3:18
Speaker 1: I love talking about molecules and molecular structure and drugs
3:21
Speaker 1: and pharmacology and all that shit. So this is right
3:23
Speaker 1: up my alley. The molecular structure of L thanine is
3:26
Speaker 1: very close to that of L glutamic acid. So it's
3:30
Speaker 1: believed that this lthanine performs its actions and is basically
3:35
Speaker 1: mediated via glutamate receptors. Okay, so I'm gotta speak about
3:39
Speaker 1: gabone glutamate in a little bit more depth, but basically
3:43
Speaker 1: it acts on the same receptors that this L glutamic
3:46
Speaker 1: acid acts on because of its molecular structure, that's all
3:50
Speaker 1: you need to really think about. And what's happening is
3:52
Speaker 1: that it's also competing at this at the binding site
3:56
Speaker 1: where glutamate binds two. Okay, now I've spoken about glutamat
4:00
Speaker 1: a thousand times. Glutamate is the major excitatory neurotransmitter within
4:05
Speaker 1: the brain versus GABBA, which is the major inhibitory neurotransmitter.
4:10
Speaker 1: So excitation, we're seeing more activity in the brain. Whether
4:13
Speaker 1: it's good or bad, it's just more activity. More synaps
4:17
Speaker 1: is more firing, just more, and then inhibition is using
4:22
Speaker 1: a reduction in excitability or excitation within the brain. Okay.
4:29
Speaker 1: So another good thing about the molecular structure of lthnine
4:33
Speaker 1: is that it is based on its shape and structure,
4:35
Speaker 1: it is able to cross the blood brain barrier. So
4:39
Speaker 1: it has really really strong effects within the central nervous system.
4:42
Speaker 1: And remember the central nervous system is your brain, brain stem,
4:45
Speaker 1: and spinal cord. Okay, so anything that can cross the
4:47
Speaker 1: blood brain barrier, you're getting those effects in the central
4:51
Speaker 1: nervous system, which is in this scenario great. Another thing
4:55
Speaker 1: that it can do is it can block glutamate receptors
4:57
Speaker 1: within the central nervous system. And when it's it's blocking
5:00
Speaker 1: or when it's kind of modulating or modifying what's going
5:03
Speaker 1: on at the glutamate receptor, you're getting this limitation of excitability.
5:08
Speaker 1: You're not stopping excitability altogether, that's just an insurmountable task.
5:13
Speaker 1: You pretty much have to knock someone out for that
5:15
Speaker 1: to happen, but you are limiting this excitability. All right.
5:19
Speaker 1: So a lot of different mood disorders, depression, anxiety, it's
5:26
Speaker 1: got to do with excitability and inhibition. Okay, you're seeing
5:30
Speaker 1: there's either too much excitability or a dysregulation in excitability.
5:34
Speaker 1: So when you look at different drugs that target depression
5:39
Speaker 1: for example, or anxiety for example, you're looking at different theories,
5:43
Speaker 1: and you've got like the monoamine theory, which is the
5:45
Speaker 1: drugs that target things like serotonin and dopamine and chemicals
5:51
Speaker 1: like that. But then you've got the kind of glutamate hypothesis,
6:00
Speaker 1: which is where you're using drugs such as ketamine to
6:02
Speaker 1: target kind of the glutamate pathway or the idea that
6:06
Speaker 1: glutamate might be behind all these different mood disorders. So
6:09
Speaker 1: here we're seeing something that is a modulator or modifying
6:12
Speaker 1: what's going on at the glutamate receptor in the form
6:15
Speaker 1: of lthanine, which you can have in a t that
6:18
Speaker 1: can also have similar effects in modulating this amount of
6:22
Speaker 1: excitability within the brain. Okay, so we're seeing that lthanine
6:28
Speaker 1: can do that with glutamate. It can also exert its
6:30
Speaker 1: effects on GABBA receptors, which enhance says GABBA activity. And
6:34
Speaker 1: because of this enhancement of GABA activity, it's also helping
6:37
Speaker 1: increase dopamine and serotonin because dopamine and serotonin are linked
6:41
Speaker 1: to activity with GABBA as well. Okay, so lthanine it's
6:46
Speaker 1: not a sedative, it's not going to cause sleepiness, it's
6:50
Speaker 1: not going to cause drowsiness. It just allows the body
6:53
Speaker 1: to be in a more relaxed state in general. Because
6:57
Speaker 1: of its effects on gabba and glutamate fucking epic. Okay,
7:01
Speaker 1: So we want to look at lthanine, this amino acid
7:04
Speaker 1: as being a neuromodulator. It's basically modulating the levels of
7:09
Speaker 1: neurotransmitters so helps bring you into this nice, calm, relaxed state,
7:14
Speaker 1: and therefore it is conducive to overall better sleep. So
7:17
Speaker 1: if you're increasing your levels of alphanine, it is helping
7:20
Speaker 1: you later on in the day with sleep, okay um.
7:25
Speaker 1: And it's it's obviously not making you drowsy, it's just
7:28
Speaker 1: making you more relaxed. Now, it's not endogenously produced, which
7:32
Speaker 1: means that it is not made by your own body.
7:34
Speaker 1: It can't be produced by your own body, so endogenous
7:37
Speaker 1: versus exogenous. But it's not an essential amino acid, so
7:41
Speaker 1: we don't need it to survive. So an essential amino acid,
7:45
Speaker 1: I've spoken about this before, is something that you need
7:47
Speaker 1: to survive, but you can't make it with your own body,
7:49
Speaker 1: so you need it from your diet. This is not essential,
7:52
Speaker 1: although I think it should be essential, but it's not
7:54
Speaker 1: essential for your survival. All right. Now, where do you
7:58
Speaker 1: get it? It's found in mens but it's believed that
8:01
Speaker 1: the highest quantities naturally other than because you can get
8:04
Speaker 1: it in supplements as well, which you'll speak about in
8:06
Speaker 1: a second, but is the highest is in green tea.
8:09
Speaker 1: So macha is when it comes to elthanine, going to
8:13
Speaker 1: be the most superior source of lthenine versus other kinds
8:18
Speaker 1: of green tea. Mucha can contain up to five times
8:22
Speaker 1: more than other kinds of green tea, five times more
8:25
Speaker 1: elthanine than other kinds of green tea. And the reason
8:28
Speaker 1: for this is because mucha, the mucha tea grows in
8:34
Speaker 1: the shade, okay, and the shade, the role that shade
8:38
Speaker 1: plays in the growth process mitigates this photosynthesis in the leaves,
8:43
Speaker 1: therefore preserving the elthenine within the leaves among other amino
8:47
Speaker 1: acids as well. Okay, So tea's that grow in hectic
8:51
Speaker 1: sunlight are going to have lower levels of elthenin and
8:53
Speaker 1: this is due to oxidization. So that is why macha
8:57
Speaker 1: is just going to be a superior source for elfa.
9:00
Speaker 1: But if you don't like mucha, there's still great sources
9:03
Speaker 1: of lth and in in regular green tea. It's still
9:05
Speaker 1: very very very good source of elthene in, So do
9:08
Speaker 1: not fret Okay. Now, also, macha does contain caffeine, but
9:15
Speaker 1: in general it's going to be less than the average
9:17
Speaker 1: cup of coffee. So we're talking about averages here. So
9:20
Speaker 1: on average, in a cup of macha, you're getting roughly
9:24
Speaker 1: seventy milligrams of caffeine versus a cup of coffee you
9:27
Speaker 1: get between one hundred and one hundred and forty milligrams
9:31
Speaker 1: of caffeine in coffee. Okay. You've also got other kinds
9:35
Speaker 1: of green tea, white tea, ool, long tea, and then
9:39
Speaker 1: lower down is black tea, So all the other tea's
9:42
Speaker 1: are going to have higher levels of the elth and
9:44
Speaker 1: in before black tea, okay. And then there are some
9:47
Speaker 1: mushrooms as well. I don't know which ones, but there
9:50
Speaker 1: are some mushrooms. Elthenin also has an antioxidant effect on
9:55
Speaker 1: the brain, and we love antioxidants, especially when it's something
9:58
Speaker 1: that can cross the blood brain barrier, like this molecule
10:03
Speaker 1: in elth enen can Okay, So it's very neuroprotective in
10:07
Speaker 1: that matter, it's going to help reduce inflammation. It helps
10:10
Speaker 1: with oxidization within the brain because its targets can be
10:14
Speaker 1: within the central nervous system, and its bioavailability is very high.
10:19
Speaker 1: So bioavailability means how much of this is actually available
10:25
Speaker 1: within your body to exert its effects. That's not being
10:29
Speaker 1: eaten up through digestion and through other things that your
10:32
Speaker 1: body can interfere with when you consume a substance. There
10:35
Speaker 1: are many different vitamins and supplements and minerals on the
10:38
Speaker 1: market that claim all these things, but once you ingest
10:42
Speaker 1: it orally, the bioavailability is just not that great based
10:44
Speaker 1: on how we digest or how our body process. Is
10:46
Speaker 1: that thing elth an in brilliant bioavailability, so it's between
10:50
Speaker 1: seventy two and seventy four percent. It crosses the blood
10:54
Speaker 1: brain barrier within an hour of consumption, and some studies
10:58
Speaker 1: also claim that it might aid in ADHD symptoms. Sorry,
11:06
Speaker 1: And also some studies are claiming that it might aid
11:09
Speaker 1: in ADHD symptoms for certain individuals. This is not across
11:13
Speaker 1: the board. It's obviously individual dependent because it is a neuromodulator,
11:17
Speaker 1: so it's helping kind of calm down activity in certain
11:20
Speaker 1: parts of the brain without being a sedative. Based on
11:23
Speaker 1: its effects on the glutamate pathways, you're enhancing dopamine release.
11:27
Speaker 1: You're getting all this regulation of gabba as well and
11:29
Speaker 1: of glutamate. So it goes a really long way in
11:32
Speaker 1: lowering the rate of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety, because,
11:37
Speaker 1: like I mentioned earlier, people with mood disorders are going
11:40
Speaker 1: to have, you know, specific abnormalities in these like two
11:43
Speaker 1: major excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters. So also, studies have found
11:50
Speaker 1: that if you pair elphinine with caffeine, it's going to
11:53
Speaker 1: be a really effective way to increase focus during demanding
11:57
Speaker 1: like focus tasks. Okay, so much the are green tea.
12:01
Speaker 1: These are really great sources because it's already combined. For
12:04
Speaker 1: you got your caffeine and you've got your fucking lfan in. Okay,
12:07
Speaker 1: so you're getting this stimulating effect of the caffeine, but
12:11
Speaker 1: you're also getting this a loert but calming effect of
12:14
Speaker 1: the lf in in. So basically, go fuck and have
12:18
Speaker 1: a mucha tea right now is what I'm trying to
12:20
Speaker 1: get at or a green tea if you prefer. And
12:24
Speaker 1: the beauty of it is is like you don't need
12:25
Speaker 1: crazy obscene amounts of caffeine because you've got that combination
12:29
Speaker 1: of the l fenin and of like the smaller amount
12:32
Speaker 1: of caffeine that's in the in the green tea and
12:34
Speaker 1: also in macha. Now I am going to mention a
12:37
Speaker 1: study that I did mention last time that I spoke
12:39
Speaker 1: about this about lthenin and brain fact and the study
12:43
Speaker 1: was done by Shinsuku in twenty nineteen, and it was
12:46
Speaker 1: a randomized placebo controlled crossover double blind trial. That is
12:51
Speaker 1: the best, most elite kind of study that you can do, Okay,
12:56
Speaker 1: for many many different reasons. Where you do a double
12:59
Speaker 1: blinde means that the researcher and the individual is blinded
13:03
Speaker 1: to if they're getting the place ebo if they're not.
13:06
Speaker 1: Place Ebo controlled means that they're testing the actual substance
13:09
Speaker 1: and they're doing a place ebo and crossover means that
13:12
Speaker 1: every single individual has a certain amount of time with
13:16
Speaker 1: the drug that's being tested or the substance, and then
13:19
Speaker 1: they also have a wash out period and then they're
13:21
Speaker 1: doing a certain period of time with the placebo, but
13:23
Speaker 1: no one knows which one is what. So this is
13:26
Speaker 1: a very and every participant is trying both. So it's
13:29
Speaker 1: the most superior fucking kind of study that you can do. Obviously,
13:34
Speaker 1: not every kind of study can be done this way,
13:35
Speaker 1: but if you can do it this way, that's ideal.
13:41
Speaker 1: It's also really good at knocking out potential co founding
13:43
Speaker 1: variables and things like that. That's why it's such a
13:45
Speaker 1: good study. So basically it was done to examine what
13:47
Speaker 1: kind of effect four weeks of lth and in administration
13:50
Speaker 1: on stress symptoms and on cognitive function could have on
13:54
Speaker 1: healthy adults. So this study was carried out for over
13:56
Speaker 1: four weeks, but we're looking at the four week effect,
13:59
Speaker 1: and it was done on a quote unquote healthy population.
14:02
Speaker 1: So what they deemed healthy population to be were people
14:06
Speaker 1: with no psychiatric disorders, but who did suffer from sleep
14:10
Speaker 1: issues and mood and cognitive problems. Because we're trying to
14:13
Speaker 1: look at is it benefiting them or not? Okay, So
14:15
Speaker 1: they were given two hundred milligrams per day of health
14:18
Speaker 1: and In in tablet form, and that's how they did
14:21
Speaker 1: the place ebo control because they didn't know what they
14:23
Speaker 1: were taking the tablet. Is it just a sugar pill
14:25
Speaker 1: or is it going to be or like a plain
14:26
Speaker 1: pill whatever, or is it going to be the lth
14:28
Speaker 1: and in. Then they had a wash out period, so
14:30
Speaker 1: a wash out period is a period of time where
14:32
Speaker 1: you're not taking anything. It often is around the two
14:34
Speaker 1: week mark, but it depends on the study. So they
14:36
Speaker 1: do the four weeks or just over four weeks. Then
14:39
Speaker 1: you got a wash out period of nothing. Then you
14:40
Speaker 1: return back and you do another four weeks doing the
14:43
Speaker 1: other one that you didn't do. So they found that
14:50
Speaker 1: after four weeks, stress symptoms went down, anxiety traits, depressive
14:53
Speaker 1: traits also went down, sleep quality improved. They also found
14:56
Speaker 1: that cognitive function when tested on verbal fluency and executive
15:00
Speaker 1: function improved, which is amazing. And this is just in
15:04
Speaker 1: four weeks. So this is what two hundred milligrads of
15:07
Speaker 1: lphene in over four weeks can do, which is extremely impressive.
15:11
Speaker 1: So you could start by having one cup two cups
15:14
Speaker 1: of green tea a day, one or two cups of
15:17
Speaker 1: much a day and hopefully you're going to start really
15:20
Speaker 1: noticing a difference. Now, if you don't like green tea
15:23
Speaker 1: or much, you can have a supplement form. Now, the
15:27
Speaker 1: supplements do tend to be a little bit exy because
15:31
Speaker 1: it's apparently quite difficult to extract the lphenn and put
15:36
Speaker 1: it into supplement form, so it's not the cheapest process.
15:39
Speaker 1: But look, if you like green tea, if you're willing
15:41
Speaker 1: to force yourself to like it, then that's going to
15:43
Speaker 1: be a much cheaper, very very good alternative to the supplements.
15:47
Speaker 1: But supplements a day as an option, and it's going
15:48
Speaker 1: to give you the same benefits. Okay, So fucking yes,
15:53
Speaker 1: that's the brain fact of today. And I really hope
15:56
Speaker 1: that all of you that when I released this brain
15:59
Speaker 1: fact last time, the obsession that I had from everyone
16:02
Speaker 1: being like, oh my fucking god, I'm drinking green tea.
16:05
Speaker 1: Now I'm having much a team I'm having. I'm doing
16:07
Speaker 1: the l out. Of all the things you've told me
16:09
Speaker 1: to take, this is the most exciting one. So I
16:11
Speaker 1: really have these high hopes that I've got this big
16:14
Speaker 1: surge of excitement from you guys to do this for
16:17
Speaker 1: your brain. You're not only doing your brain a favor
16:20
Speaker 1: from the neuroprotective benefits, you're doing your mood a favor.
16:24
Speaker 1: You're doing your happiness a favor. It's just so fucking good.
16:27
Speaker 1: I am the spokesperson for lthene and I love it.
16:55
Speaker 1: Let's dive straight into the podcast fucking topic of today,
16:58
Speaker 1: which is all about what did I call this topic
17:02
Speaker 1: I'm scrolling up. It is all about I always have
17:07
Speaker 1: the title like way at the top of my notes,
17:09
Speaker 1: but basically how to stop putting up with people's bullshit.
17:13
Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about some major themes here.
17:15
Speaker 1: So we're talking about the importance of setting boundaries. We're
17:18
Speaker 1: also wanting to understand people's capacity when we're dealing with
17:24
Speaker 1: people's bullshit, because one thing that is a major cock
17:28
Speaker 1: block for a lot of us is this idea that
17:32
Speaker 1: we have these really high expectations of people that we
17:35
Speaker 1: should not have high expectations for. So then we feel
17:38
Speaker 1: let down, we feel hurt. We give second, third, fourth,
17:42
Speaker 1: fifth chances to people who aren't even asking for another chance.
17:46
Speaker 1: That's like, the worst thing you can do is continually
17:48
Speaker 1: give someone another chance when they haven't even asked for it.
17:52
Speaker 1: They haven't even begged for it, they haven't even said
17:53
Speaker 1: I'm going to change my behavior. You're just there dishing
17:55
Speaker 1: it out on a fucking platter for them. Here's another
17:58
Speaker 1: chance to treat me like shit, or to treat me
18:00
Speaker 1: like the bottom of the barrel when it comes to
18:02
Speaker 1: your attention. Okay, so we're gonna talk about understanding people's
18:06
Speaker 1: capacity and then a whole bunch of other things. But
18:08
Speaker 1: let's talk about setting boundaries briefly. I've got a whole
18:10
Speaker 1: episode of boundaries, so I won't go in it forever.
18:12
Speaker 1: But a boundary, in the realm of what we're talking
18:15
Speaker 1: about here, is defining what behaviors you will and will
18:19
Speaker 1: not tolerate. It's not controlling someone. It's not saying you
18:22
Speaker 1: have to do this. I'm not gonna let you do that.
18:24
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna It's you deciding ultimately, what am I
18:27
Speaker 1: actually okay with putting up with and what will I
18:29
Speaker 1: not put up with. I have to get very clear.
18:31
Speaker 1: And if there's no consequence to that boundary, it's not
18:34
Speaker 1: a fucking boundary. It's just a desire. If you aren't
18:37
Speaker 1: willing to put a consequence to a boundary that you set,
18:40
Speaker 1: it is not a boundary. Because if someone can cross
18:43
Speaker 1: that line and can cross it again and again and
18:45
Speaker 1: again and again, sorry cis, that's not a fucking boundary.
18:47
Speaker 1: Your fence is flawed, all right. So basically, when you teach,
18:52
Speaker 1: when you're trying to basically teach people how to treat you,
18:55
Speaker 1: or when you want to be like I don't want
18:56
Speaker 1: to put up with this shit anymore. You have to
18:59
Speaker 1: ensure that you have some very clear and clean boundaries
19:03
Speaker 1: in place all right now. Ideally you want to be
19:07
Speaker 1: implementing this in the early stages of a relationship, but
19:10
Speaker 1: you can do this at any time. It's just going
19:13
Speaker 1: to feel a little bit harder, and there might be
19:14
Speaker 1: a bit of pushback, and there might need to be
19:16
Speaker 1: more communication when you're trying to change how things have gone.
19:20
Speaker 1: You might be in a relationship where you've been putting
19:22
Speaker 1: up with shit for a long time and then think, well,
19:24
Speaker 1: I don't want to throw this relationship away, but things
19:26
Speaker 1: need to change. So that might be harder, but doable.
19:29
Speaker 1: You can change at any time. You can change what
19:31
Speaker 1: you're willing to put up with and what you won't
19:33
Speaker 1: at any fucking time. Okay, Now, the next thing that
19:36
Speaker 1: I want to speak about is this concept of really
19:38
Speaker 1: grasping what people's capacity is. So you need to evaluate
19:43
Speaker 1: what someone is capable of giving you based on their behavior,
19:47
Speaker 1: based on their intent, based on what they are choosing
19:50
Speaker 1: to show you, not their words, but their behavior. Okay,
19:55
Speaker 1: so what is someone genuinely willing to give me? What's
20:00
Speaker 1: their capacity? Because we have to accept that for some
20:05
Speaker 1: relationships that we're in, they are already maxing out their capacity,
20:09
Speaker 1: either because they don't have the bandwidth, because they don't
20:12
Speaker 1: care enough, because they don't want to because they'd rather
20:15
Speaker 1: be with someone else, but they're just like passing time
20:17
Speaker 1: hanging out with you, whatever the reason. But there's going
20:20
Speaker 1: to be times where that you've got people in your
20:22
Speaker 1: life right now that are absolutely maxed out of the
20:25
Speaker 1: capacity of what they are willing to give you. And
20:27
Speaker 1: we like to put all our eggs in this basket off,
20:31
Speaker 1: but I see potential in this person. I see potential
20:33
Speaker 1: in this relationship, and you like live in this bubble
20:37
Speaker 1: of wishing the potential and then you realize that you've
20:42
Speaker 1: basically had a relationship with like a concept of somebody
20:45
Speaker 1: and not the actual person themselves. So one of the
20:47
Speaker 1: biggest favors you can do for yourself is really be
20:50
Speaker 1: honest with yourself on what people's capacities actually are and
20:54
Speaker 1: to really manage your expectations around people. If someone is
20:58
Speaker 1: always exceeding your ex expectations, then you can have high
21:01
Speaker 1: expectations of that person because they don't let you down,
21:03
Speaker 1: their show up every time, and they're a good fucking
21:06
Speaker 1: person in your life. If someone is never meeting your expectations,
21:10
Speaker 1: instead of holding a grudge or being resentful or harboring
21:14
Speaker 1: resentment or frustration or hatred, maybe you need to think,
21:17
Speaker 1: I need to manage my expectations because who's getting hurt here? Me? Me?
21:21
Speaker 1: I'm here festering fas fester festa while this other person's
21:27
Speaker 1: cruising the fuck along. A lot of the time they
21:28
Speaker 1: don't even realize. And you've got these crazy high expectations
21:32
Speaker 1: and you're being let down time and time and time again,
21:34
Speaker 1: and you're in this bubble, absolutely eroding away, and the
21:39
Speaker 1: other person doesn't even realize. So manage your expectations around
21:43
Speaker 1: people based on their past behavior and understand people's capacity. Okay,
21:47
Speaker 1: now let's proceed. The next one I want to talk
21:51
Speaker 1: about is this idea of model respect through self treatment.
21:57
Speaker 1: We all know what this looks like. Think of anyone
22:01
Speaker 1: in your life who everyone respects, no one's fucking walking
22:05
Speaker 1: all over them. And I'm not talking about scary people.
22:07
Speaker 1: I'm talking about people that command respect, not demand respect.
22:11
Speaker 1: Command respect. There's a difference between someone who will bully
22:14
Speaker 1: someone else, so you don't bully them first, versus someone
22:17
Speaker 1: who's you just notice everyone treats them so well. Everyone
22:20
Speaker 1: really looks up to them. No one wants to waste
22:22
Speaker 1: their time. Everyone wants to bring their best version of
22:25
Speaker 1: themselves when interacting with this individual. And I can guarantee
22:28
Speaker 1: you that that individual will very very very likely have
22:32
Speaker 1: a higher level of respect for themselves. They are comfortable
22:35
Speaker 1: in their own skin, They respect themselves, they respect their
22:38
Speaker 1: own time, they don't waste their time on shit. They're
22:41
Speaker 1: also not getting angry either. They're just like, not for me,
22:44
Speaker 1: this is a waste of my time, and they remove themselves.
22:46
Speaker 1: The more you show self respect behaviors where you respect
22:51
Speaker 1: your own time, where you respect your own emotions, your
22:54
Speaker 1: own space, your own fucking energy, the more people are
22:59
Speaker 1: going to model that. People will model it, or they
23:01
Speaker 1: disappear out of your life. It's like it's magic. It's
23:05
Speaker 1: not magic, it's strategic, but it's like it is magic.
23:09
Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now that if there's one thing
23:11
Speaker 1: you're going to take from this entire episode, it is that. Okay,
23:15
Speaker 1: So if you are always second guessing yourself, doubting yourself,
23:21
Speaker 1: allowing like always putting everyone above you, everyone's time above you,
23:25
Speaker 1: like someone could be two hours later and you're still
23:27
Speaker 1: waiting for them. Someone could ignore you a thousand times
23:30
Speaker 1: over and you'll still repeat yourself on what you said.
23:32
Speaker 1: Someone could be distracted on their phone and you'll be like, oh,
23:35
Speaker 1: it's okay, I wait, oh did you hear me? People
23:38
Speaker 1: cut you off all the time and you're still gonna sorry, no,
23:41
Speaker 1: thank you very much. I'm not really respected here. This
23:43
Speaker 1: is not mutual, Okay, So you need to start putting
23:48
Speaker 1: these behaviors in place so that respect is returned or
23:52
Speaker 1: modeled of how you treat yourself. Okay. Now, I'm not
23:56
Speaker 1: saying that if everything I just gave is an example,
23:58
Speaker 1: if that's occurring, you need to cut the people off.
24:01
Speaker 1: I am going to suggest that you give everyone a chance,
24:04
Speaker 1: but after explaining how you want things to proceed moving forward,
24:08
Speaker 1: if they then don't, you know, behave in a way
24:13
Speaker 1: that is respectful to you, then you can kind of
24:16
Speaker 1: lower them down off that fucking pedestal that you have
24:20
Speaker 1: them on. It's not saying you've got to cut people
24:21
Speaker 1: out of your life, but it's kind of I'm going
24:23
Speaker 1: to manage how I perceive you to be in my life.
24:26
Speaker 1: I'm going to manage how I interact with you. I'm
24:28
Speaker 1: going to manage how much I prioritize you, because if
24:30
Speaker 1: I'm bottom off the barrel for someone else, why the
24:32
Speaker 1: fuck are they at the very top of the list
24:34
Speaker 1: for me. That does not make sense. It's got to
24:37
Speaker 1: be mutual. All relationships should be an even value exchange. Okay,
24:42
Speaker 1: So if you're treating yourself like shit, you're going to
24:44
Speaker 1: have people that likely treat you like shit or feel
24:48
Speaker 1: invited to treat you like shit. Where you're the butterfall jokes,
24:50
Speaker 1: where they can ignore you, where they can kind of
24:52
Speaker 1: fuck you around, waste your time, be late every time.
24:55
Speaker 1: They just do not respect you enough. Okay. The next
25:00
Speaker 1: thing that we're going to talk about before we get
25:01
Speaker 1: into these other examples is the importance of communicating clearly. Okay,
25:07
Speaker 1: it is always important to very clearly express what it
25:11
Speaker 1: is that you will and will not tolerate in a
25:13
Speaker 1: very calm, but assertive and clear. Assertive is just calm
25:18
Speaker 1: and clear. If I am relaxed and spot on with
25:22
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, that's assertive. I don't need to get angry,
25:24
Speaker 1: I don't need to aarc up, I don't need to
25:26
Speaker 1: be imposing with my body language just relaxed. I need
25:31
Speaker 1: to be sure of what I'm saying and in a
25:33
Speaker 1: relaxed manner, Okay, And that helps provide other people with
25:37
Speaker 1: a clear choice. Do I want to stay part of
25:40
Speaker 1: this relationship and behave the way I'm going to behave,
25:43
Speaker 1: or I'm given the option to just not bother I
25:46
Speaker 1: much rather somebody decide that they can't be fucked and
25:50
Speaker 1: just not be in my life, then put up with
25:52
Speaker 1: garbage just to have them in my life. Okay, And
25:55
Speaker 1: the saying goes vice versa. Everything I say right now today,
25:58
Speaker 1: I want you to reciprocate this to other people. So
26:00
Speaker 1: when I talk about receiving respect, obviously we're talking about
26:02
Speaker 1: giving it as well. Now you also don't want I
26:07
Speaker 1: don't want you to expect others to mind read. Okay,
26:12
Speaker 1: No one here is a mind reader. I think it
26:14
Speaker 1: is okay to communicate what your needs are, what your
26:17
Speaker 1: wants are, or what your non negotiables are with your friends,
26:21
Speaker 1: with your partners moving forward. You know, one day one
26:23
Speaker 1: of my friends, one of my good friends, said to
26:26
Speaker 1: myself and another one, so there was three of us,
26:29
Speaker 1: and myself and the other friend used to always have
26:32
Speaker 1: this we'd joke. We thought the third friend was in
26:35
Speaker 1: on this joke, but she the joke was about her.
26:37
Speaker 1: But she started off joking about it, but then we'd
26:40
Speaker 1: bring it up. And then one day she said to us,
26:42
Speaker 1: you're not guys. I acknowledge that I used to laugh
26:46
Speaker 1: along with this, but I'm telling you right now, it
26:48
Speaker 1: hurts me when you joke. I don't want to joke
26:49
Speaker 1: about this anymore. And we felt obviously we felt really bad,
26:54
Speaker 1: but I was also so like grateful that she said something,
26:58
Speaker 1: because I'm like, imagine if she never say anything, and
27:00
Speaker 1: here we are just thinking that she finds it funny
27:03
Speaker 1: and that's where we're bringing it up so we can
27:04
Speaker 1: all have a laugh. But it's actually not funny. And
27:07
Speaker 1: so if you're a good friend or if you have
27:11
Speaker 1: a good friend and you just say, hey, you know what,
27:13
Speaker 1: I know I might have laughed at this in the past,
27:15
Speaker 1: maybe you got a wrong impression, maybe not, but I'm
27:17
Speaker 1: just gonna let you know right now that's not on anymore.
27:20
Speaker 1: Moving forward. I'm not even angry, Like I'm not going
27:22
Speaker 1: to get angry. We're not going to focus on the past,
27:24
Speaker 1: but moving forward, Rather you not joke about this anymore
27:26
Speaker 1: because it's not a joke for me and things like that. Okay,
27:30
Speaker 1: but that's what I mean by saying, don't expect others
27:33
Speaker 1: to mind read. I think it was really big of
27:35
Speaker 1: my friend to just be able to be like, I'm
27:36
Speaker 1: just going to say what I need to say because
27:38
Speaker 1: there's a chance that you guys haven't realized. And it
27:41
Speaker 1: was really good and we never joked about it ever again,
27:44
Speaker 1: nor did we even want to. So it's it's sometimes
27:47
Speaker 1: it's such a basic, small thing and if people are
27:50
Speaker 1: on your page, it will be received very easily. Okay.
27:54
Speaker 1: Another thing is that you want to understand character. You
27:57
Speaker 1: can't teach character at the end of the day, so
28:00
Speaker 1: you can communicate your desires. But if someone keeps going
28:03
Speaker 1: back and doing this thing, then that's just who they are.
28:08
Speaker 1: You can't force it. Another thing that I wouldn't want
28:10
Speaker 1: is for someone to feel forced. I was in this
28:11
Speaker 1: conversation with one of my really good friends yesterday and
28:14
Speaker 1: she was dating. She's in the dating scene, and there's
28:17
Speaker 1: one guy that she's been on a few dates with,
28:18
Speaker 1: and she said that he was like, they had great
28:23
Speaker 1: intellectual conversation, but he was not physical at all, not
28:29
Speaker 1: like he wasn't showing any physical warmth whatsoever, and that's
28:32
Speaker 1: something that she really likes. And then after a few
28:35
Speaker 1: dates she communicated this across and she was like, I
28:38
Speaker 1: just don't know if this would work because I also
28:40
Speaker 1: don't and I feel that she said the right thing
28:42
Speaker 1: as well. She said, I also don't want you to
28:44
Speaker 1: be forced to do this, because this is something that
28:47
Speaker 1: I think you can't really force. But I don't know
28:50
Speaker 1: if you're not being physical because you're taking it really slow,
28:53
Speaker 1: or if it's just not in you. But for me
28:56
Speaker 1: it's really important. But at the same time, if this
28:59
Speaker 1: is going to be something that it's forced and you're
29:00
Speaker 1: doing it only because I like it and you're doing
29:03
Speaker 1: oh my god, she wants to be touched. Okay, now
29:04
Speaker 1: I've got to touch it and it's super calculated, then
29:06
Speaker 1: that's going to be really hard because then he eventually
29:08
Speaker 1: might kind of resent it, being like, oh now I
29:11
Speaker 1: have to like be physical and now I have to
29:12
Speaker 1: And that's what I mean by you can't teach character.
29:15
Speaker 1: You can say, hey, I know you probably haven't realized this,
29:18
Speaker 1: do you mind this. You can wake people up to
29:20
Speaker 1: a situation for them to be like Oh yeah, I
29:21
Speaker 1: wasn't aware. This is easy for me to do versus
29:24
Speaker 1: someone really going against the grain of what they're used
29:26
Speaker 1: to doing and being forced to do something. Sometimes we
29:29
Speaker 1: just have to look at someone's character and that gives
29:31
Speaker 1: us the answer already. Okay, sometimes we don't want to
29:34
Speaker 1: admit that we already know the answer that they're actually
29:37
Speaker 1: just not willing to do that thing. And that's scalable
29:40
Speaker 1: because there's some things that someone's not willing to do
29:42
Speaker 1: and it's not a big deal that you can push
29:44
Speaker 1: past it. You're like, you know what, You're not willing
29:46
Speaker 1: to do that thing, but you're such a legend in
29:47
Speaker 1: all these other areas. It's not a non negotiable. I
29:49
Speaker 1: just need to be like, I'm going to learn to
29:51
Speaker 1: deal with it. It's not the end of the day.
29:53
Speaker 1: I'm not going to make this a big thing. It's
29:54
Speaker 1: fine versus things that are major. Like in relationships, there's
29:58
Speaker 1: certain things that your partner I might not do that
30:00
Speaker 1: you want them to do that is a deal breaker. Okay,
30:03
Speaker 1: so that's up to you to decide what that is.
30:05
Speaker 1: But you can't force someone to do something when they
30:08
Speaker 1: just absolutely don't want to do it, because there's no
30:10
Speaker 1: longevity in that. Now, the next thing is maintain emotional control.
30:17
Speaker 1: So whenever possible, when we're talking about, you know, standing
30:22
Speaker 1: up for yourself, teaching other people how to treat you,
30:26
Speaker 1: treating yourself with respect, so then other people model that behavior,
30:29
Speaker 1: setting boundaries, all of that. Staying calm is the biggest
30:34
Speaker 1: draw card that you have. It is the biggest and
30:37
Speaker 1: mind you, all of us break that at some point.
30:40
Speaker 1: All of us get heightened, we get like the adrenaline
30:44
Speaker 1: is pumping, and it is hard to stay calm. But
30:46
Speaker 1: it's something that you want to practice as much as possible. Okay,
30:49
Speaker 1: practice it as much as possible when you're bored, when
30:52
Speaker 1: you're frustrated, sit in the bottom except the frustrating like
30:56
Speaker 1: it's one of the best things you can practice because
30:58
Speaker 1: when you are calm in the most heated situations, it
31:02
Speaker 1: demonstrates a lot of self control. It demonstrates that you
31:05
Speaker 1: are in control of what is going on. I haven't
31:07
Speaker 1: lost it. I haven't. It doesn't mean that I can't.
31:10
Speaker 1: I can now. I can still reason, I can still
31:12
Speaker 1: make sense of what's going on because of stayed calm.
31:15
Speaker 1: It also helps you avoid character assassinating somebody else. When
31:19
Speaker 1: you're really heightened, when you're really angry, you can say
31:21
Speaker 1: things that you regret. When you are calm, that's not happening.
31:24
Speaker 1: You're not saying things that that you are going to regret.
31:27
Speaker 1: You're not attacking people that you wish you never attacked. Okay,
31:30
Speaker 1: And that can always weaken your position when you snap,
31:32
Speaker 1: when you lash out when you are angry, anger is
31:35
Speaker 1: a lack of control over yourself in that moment. Okay.
31:40
Speaker 1: And again, as always, this has to be like everything
31:43
Speaker 1: I'm talking about, it's gonna be reciprocal. You want to
31:45
Speaker 1: treat people the way that you want to be treated. Now,
31:50
Speaker 1: let's talk about practical scenarios that you can apply this too.
31:57
Speaker 1: So I'm going to be talking These are the scenarios
31:59
Speaker 1: that I'm going to be giving you examples of how
32:01
Speaker 1: you can deal it. So one is interruptions, when people
32:03
Speaker 1: are constantly interrupting and talking over you all the time.
32:06
Speaker 1: The other one is put downs, like unsolicited put downs.
32:09
Speaker 1: Then when someone's distracted on their phone, then people who
32:12
Speaker 1: are possessive in relationships. Then also when you're in the
32:15
Speaker 1: dating scene and people take days and days to reply
32:17
Speaker 1: to you, and then also public put downs when someone
32:20
Speaker 1: like uses you as the butt of every joke. So
32:22
Speaker 1: these are the NeXT's it like five or six things
32:26
Speaker 1: that I've got. The first one is interruptions. How we dealing.
32:31
Speaker 1: This is how we're teaching somebody how to treat us.
32:33
Speaker 1: So if someone is always cutting you off in a conversation,
32:37
Speaker 1: interrupting you, talking over you, you can't get a word in,
32:40
Speaker 1: you can't get your opinion across, you can't say what
32:43
Speaker 1: it is that you want to say. There's several things
32:46
Speaker 1: you can do. The first one is to just stop
32:48
Speaker 1: talking all together and see how long it takes for
32:51
Speaker 1: them to realize even when they finally do pause, if
32:54
Speaker 1: they even ask at any point, what do you think?
32:58
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts? Because it's going to get to
32:59
Speaker 1: a point where will stop, but you stay silent. You
33:02
Speaker 1: almost want to wait for them to prompt you. And
33:05
Speaker 1: then when you prompt, then you can say this is
33:09
Speaker 1: what I would say. Then you can say the following,
33:11
Speaker 1: Just say am I able to speak? And this is
33:15
Speaker 1: what I would say? I would say, am I able
33:16
Speaker 1: to speak? Or do you just want to do a monologue?
33:19
Speaker 1: Because I'm here for either one, But I need to
33:20
Speaker 1: know if I'm participating in this conversation, or if I'm
33:23
Speaker 1: just witnessing a monologue, and then this person's going to
33:27
Speaker 1: become quite aware. Okay, but mind you, I would start
33:31
Speaker 1: with the silent thing first, because very often you'll realize
33:35
Speaker 1: that when you stop talking altogether, it just takes you
33:39
Speaker 1: to maintain your silence and for them to be like, fuck,
33:42
Speaker 1: I've spoken too long and be like oh, and then
33:45
Speaker 1: they'll ask you a question and then you can talk okay,
33:48
Speaker 1: But if it happens too much, then I would then
33:50
Speaker 1: be like, bro, if you're here for a monologue, love
33:52
Speaker 1: that so much for you. I'm here to support your
33:54
Speaker 1: acting career. Just let me know, okay. The next one
33:58
Speaker 1: is put downs. So if someone is giving you an
34:01
Speaker 1: unsolicited comment that is going to be some sort of
34:04
Speaker 1: a put down. This is when you can either say
34:09
Speaker 1: nothing as a response, because the beauty of when you
34:12
Speaker 1: say nothing, when you create an awkward silence, the spotlight
34:15
Speaker 1: is always on the last thing that was said. So
34:18
Speaker 1: if someone puts you down right, you will then feel
34:23
Speaker 1: like often, especially if you're a people pleaser, oh if
34:26
Speaker 1: I laugh aha, yeah, yeah, kind of aha, then you've
34:29
Speaker 1: completely unintentionally just like simmered down what they've said and
34:33
Speaker 1: what they've done, and they haven't learked their lesson. They've
34:35
Speaker 1: absolutely gotten away with it. If you are silent, so
34:39
Speaker 1: you don't have to even think of a crazy comeback.
34:41
Speaker 1: You just need to be silent. The spotlight will be
34:44
Speaker 1: on what they just said. If you can, then I
34:48
Speaker 1: recommend saying something like do you mind repeating yourself? Could
34:52
Speaker 1: you say that again? I didn't catch that? Basically getting
34:56
Speaker 1: them to repeat the insult, but in a really awkward
35:00
Speaker 1: scenario because now no one's joking, no one's laughing, or
35:03
Speaker 1: what you can say is do you want to say
35:06
Speaker 1: that again? Or would you like to reword that? And
35:09
Speaker 1: then this person's like, fuck, I've actually insulted them. They're
35:12
Speaker 1: well aware of the insult and they're not here for it.
35:14
Speaker 1: They're not going to bow down and take it. They're like,
35:18
Speaker 1: they're not fucking here for it. So either an awkward
35:21
Speaker 1: silence to put the spotlight on what was just said,
35:22
Speaker 1: or get them to repeat it, highlight what they just said,
35:26
Speaker 1: but to ignore to laugh it off. I know you
35:28
Speaker 1: do it because you don't want awkward, but awkward is
35:31
Speaker 1: one of the best tools to teach people how to
35:33
Speaker 1: treat You get very comfortable being awkward and putting someone
35:38
Speaker 1: and putting the discomfort on them. Why why are we
35:42
Speaker 1: the ones that feel like, oh, but I don't want
35:43
Speaker 1: to make it uncomfortable for them. They just insulted you,
35:47
Speaker 1: and you're worrying about not hurting their feelings by making
35:50
Speaker 1: it uncomfortable. Like the height of the delusion that some
35:55
Speaker 1: of us have because we're too much of a people pleaser. No, okay.
36:00
Speaker 1: The next one phone distractions. So if someone is looking
36:05
Speaker 1: at their phone while you are speaking, stop speaking. Number one. Okay,
36:11
Speaker 1: stop speaking. If they have not noticed that you were
36:15
Speaker 1: talking and then you needed to stop, then, if possible,
36:19
Speaker 1: the conversation is done and I'm not gonna I'm just
36:22
Speaker 1: gonna walk away. I've got much better shit to do
36:24
Speaker 1: with my time, like fucking shave my eyebrows off. Okay,
36:27
Speaker 1: so I'm just gonna walk away. However, if it is
36:31
Speaker 1: something that's important, then I would say, can you let
36:35
Speaker 1: me know of the time that we can speak, because
36:37
Speaker 1: right now this is not happening. I'm not talking to
36:41
Speaker 1: a wall. And then they can either put their phone
36:43
Speaker 1: down or they can say, yeah, I'm actually really busy,
36:46
Speaker 1: right now can we speak, And they're gonna let you
36:47
Speaker 1: know if what they're doing on their phone is urgent
36:49
Speaker 1: or not, because there's nothing wrong. I have no problem
36:52
Speaker 1: with someone saying sorry one sec. This is really important
36:56
Speaker 1: and you've got to reciprocate that when someone's talking to you,
36:59
Speaker 1: do not be on your phone the only time it's okay.
37:02
Speaker 1: And I've spoken to Tyrone and I have like a
37:04
Speaker 1: set thing now with the phones and with talking when
37:06
Speaker 1: someone's talking the only time, it's okay. If Turrone comes
37:09
Speaker 1: up to me and I'm in the middle of writing
37:10
Speaker 1: a message and i know I'm going to forget, I say,
37:13
Speaker 1: give me two minutes. I want to listen to what
37:15
Speaker 1: you say. I've just got to finish and send this message.
37:18
Speaker 1: Everybody wins. Then I'm not fucking around, I'm not getting distracted.
37:22
Speaker 1: I get to listen to him properly. He's heard and
37:25
Speaker 1: vice versa. And now we've got this and it's really
37:27
Speaker 1: really good. Okay. So you can have a setup like
37:30
Speaker 1: that with your partner where you can preempt it and say, hey,
37:34
Speaker 1: moving forward, this is how we should be with each
37:36
Speaker 1: other when we're on our phones. If one of us
37:38
Speaker 1: starts talking while the other's on our phone. We tell
37:40
Speaker 1: the other person then and there if they're able to
37:44
Speaker 1: give the attention or not, because I'm not saying drop
37:46
Speaker 1: everything and listen to what i have to say because
37:48
Speaker 1: a lot of the time I'm just talking absolute smack.
37:50
Speaker 1: But it's kind of that throw and catch of the
37:52
Speaker 1: bids for connection in a friendship and in a relationship.
37:56
Speaker 1: That's really important. And if someone's always ignoring you. Another
37:59
Speaker 1: thing that's really fucking up annoying when someone's on their
38:00
Speaker 1: phone is when you're talking and then you stop being like, oh,
38:04
Speaker 1: you're on your phone whatever, and then they're like, no, no, no,
38:06
Speaker 1: keep keep going. I'm listening, but they're on their fucking
38:09
Speaker 1: phone and they're not actually giving you their attention. So
38:12
Speaker 1: it's like, I'll still entertain myself with what's this and
38:15
Speaker 1: if anything piques my interest with what you're saying, then
38:17
Speaker 1: I'll chime in. Okay. So if someone says no, no,
38:21
Speaker 1: keep listening, like, keep keep going, I'm listening, that's when
38:24
Speaker 1: I just walk away, absolutely walk away, and then they're
38:28
Speaker 1: likely going to be like, oh wait so, and then
38:29
Speaker 1: they'll put their phone down, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, And
38:31
Speaker 1: then that's where you can very calmly say, if you
38:34
Speaker 1: want to be on your phone, there's nothing wrong with that.
38:36
Speaker 1: I'm just not going to be talking like a parrot
38:39
Speaker 1: to a wall. Okay, I've got much better things to
38:42
Speaker 1: do with my time. When you tell someone I've got
38:44
Speaker 1: better things to do with my time, then talk to
38:47
Speaker 1: a wall while you're looking at a screen when we
38:49
Speaker 1: could be having a human interaction, then they're going to
38:51
Speaker 1: be like, oh shit, you do that once or twice.
38:53
Speaker 1: They're not going to do that to you again. Okay.
38:58
Speaker 1: Possessiveness in a relationship, So if a partner, if you
39:01
Speaker 1: start dating someone and a partner starts to show controlling behavior,
39:07
Speaker 1: you obviously want to address this as soon as possible,
39:11
Speaker 1: because most of the time it's really hard to unlearn this.
39:16
Speaker 1: But there are certain people that are mirroring patterns of
39:19
Speaker 1: behavior from their past relationship, and this can be mended.
39:23
Speaker 1: So I don't want to write someone off completely with
39:28
Speaker 1: not one chance. So I would give a controlling person
39:33
Speaker 1: one chance, because controlling behavior is very that's the biggest
39:37
Speaker 1: red flag of them all. Okay, that's emotional abuse, but
39:40
Speaker 1: you give them one fucking chance. And I would say,
39:43
Speaker 1: if someone is controlling or if they say, oh, but
39:45
Speaker 1: who's going to be the all like, well, if any
39:47
Speaker 1: of that language around when you're gonna hang out with
39:48
Speaker 1: friends or you're gonna be somewhere else, and they start
39:50
Speaker 1: talking about what you're wearing or what you're doing, and
39:52
Speaker 1: the fact that they can't keep in contact with you,
39:54
Speaker 1: they can't this and they're trying to control what you
39:57
Speaker 1: do and who you hang out with, and the fact
39:58
Speaker 1: that they're going to be able to call you every
39:59
Speaker 1: two and seconds, then I would say, is this going
40:04
Speaker 1: to be an ongoing problem? Because I'm not willing to
40:07
Speaker 1: compromise on my other relationships. So if this is something
40:09
Speaker 1: we can address, let's address it now. Or is this
40:12
Speaker 1: going to be something that erodes the relationship? Sooner than
40:15
Speaker 1: you realize, they are going to have to answer very
40:18
Speaker 1: fucking quickly. They're going to realize they're not going to
40:20
Speaker 1: get away with it with this person, and then you're
40:23
Speaker 1: going to realize. And the reason I'm saying this is
40:24
Speaker 1: because you've also got to be prepared to walk away.
40:26
Speaker 1: If you're not prepared to walk away, then you actually
40:29
Speaker 1: can't teach people how to treat you. Okay, if you
40:33
Speaker 1: are not prepared to say I am not putting up
40:36
Speaker 1: with this, and follow through with not putting up with it,
40:38
Speaker 1: which means removing yourself from the situation, not controlling the
40:41
Speaker 1: other person. If you're not prepared to do that, then
40:44
Speaker 1: you are not yet ready to teach people how to
40:46
Speaker 1: treat you. You have to put yourself on the pedestal
40:50
Speaker 1: above all the other disrespect that you receive from other people. Okay,
40:54
Speaker 1: And ironically, the more you do that, I don't even
40:59
Speaker 1: think it's I wrong. But the more you do that,
41:01
Speaker 1: the easier it is to respect yourself, because you're like,
41:05
Speaker 1: I put myself first there. I put myself. I respected
41:07
Speaker 1: myself enough to remove myself from that situation. So, in
41:10
Speaker 1: this situation of a possessive relationship, you, I don't care
41:14
Speaker 1: how much you're like, oh, stars in my eyes, this
41:16
Speaker 1: person's great. It's never worth being in a possessive, controlling,
41:21
Speaker 1: emotionally manipulative relationship ever. Okay, So I would give them
41:25
Speaker 1: one fucking one chance, one chance benefit of the doubt.
41:29
Speaker 1: You were in a really unhealthy relationship and you haven't
41:32
Speaker 1: checked yourself, and now you're repeating the same shit. I'm
41:35
Speaker 1: not here for it, but I'm going to give you
41:36
Speaker 1: one chance. Is this going to be an ongoing problem
41:39
Speaker 1: because I'm not here for it. My other relationships are
41:42
Speaker 1: not going to suffer because you have demons. Okay, I've
41:46
Speaker 1: done nothing wrong, So I don't need to now start
41:49
Speaker 1: cutting people off in my life because you've got demons. Okay.
41:53
Speaker 1: The next one, which is delayed responses in dating. So
41:56
Speaker 1: say you are on an app or you've just met
42:01
Speaker 1: someone and you're texting and whatever, but it's early, early,
42:03
Speaker 1: early stages, and this person is taking forever to reply days,
42:07
Speaker 1: they only message on weekends, or they might you'll send
42:10
Speaker 1: them a message one day, they don't reply until the
42:12
Speaker 1: following day. Things like that. I would first address it
42:16
Speaker 1: very calmly and just hit them between the eyes with
42:19
Speaker 1: how you address it. I would say something like, I
42:21
Speaker 1: noticed you take a really long time to respond to texts.
42:24
Speaker 1: Is this normal for you? Or are you just disinterested?
42:28
Speaker 1: Straight up, we have to be so prepared to hear
42:33
Speaker 1: people tell us that they're not interested. You might think
42:37
Speaker 1: that that's something that you can't handle. I used to
42:39
Speaker 1: think that big time. I used to avoid it at
42:42
Speaker 1: all all costs, like I would be in a situation
42:44
Speaker 1: shit for so much longer because I was avoiding the inevitable,
42:47
Speaker 1: and that's I knew it would never go anywhere because
42:50
Speaker 1: the other person was just showing strong behaviors that they
42:52
Speaker 1: didn't want it to proceed any further. But I would
42:55
Speaker 1: delay the inevitable and I would just not ask the
42:58
Speaker 1: questions or not put myself in a situation because I'm like,
43:00
Speaker 1: they don't like me, crazy, and I, like a sociopath,
43:05
Speaker 1: was staying in this dynamic. And we do this to
43:07
Speaker 1: ourselves all the time. But the more you start to
43:10
Speaker 1: respect yourself and your time and realize that time is
43:13
Speaker 1: one commodity you'll never get back, the more you're able
43:16
Speaker 1: to do this. But if you can genuinely ask someone
43:19
Speaker 1: like you take a really long time to reply, is
43:22
Speaker 1: this normal for you? Or are you just disinterested? There
43:26
Speaker 1: is no fucking excuse. This person is either going to
43:28
Speaker 1: reply just being straight up being or they might come
43:30
Speaker 1: up up with an excuse, Oh it's just that I'm
43:32
Speaker 1: really busy, would have it they're disinterested. But if they say, oh,
43:36
Speaker 1: you got me, sorry, you're right I should be replying
43:40
Speaker 1: more red, because if they like you, they're going to
43:42
Speaker 1: straight up be like, you know what I am actually
43:44
Speaker 1: quite shit at replying. I am shit at replying, but
43:47
Speaker 1: I do want to see you. Let's catch up in
43:49
Speaker 1: person or whatever it is. They will try to remedy
43:52
Speaker 1: this issue straight away if they like you, and you
43:55
Speaker 1: want to say it really calmly, so it's not coming
43:58
Speaker 1: across as an attack because it's early day dating. I'm
44:00
Speaker 1: not here to be like really hyper emotional about the situation.
44:04
Speaker 1: We're just two adults having a conversation. Okay. Then if
44:09
Speaker 1: the behavior persists, if they say no, I am interested,
44:13
Speaker 1: I am interested, blah blah blah. But then its persist persists,
44:16
Speaker 1: you need to stop engaging with them and then wait
44:18
Speaker 1: for them to initiate meaningful conversation. That's the key, meaningful conversation. Okay,
44:26
Speaker 1: So if they don't, if it's one of those people, Hey,
44:29
Speaker 1: what's up, and then you reply with something yeah cool,
44:31
Speaker 1: then a few days hey what's up? What are you doing?
44:35
Speaker 1: Like just shit chat repeatedly and you're not actually hanging out,
44:39
Speaker 1: You're not taking it to the next level. You're like,
44:41
Speaker 1: this is fucking bullshit. Then this is what I would
44:43
Speaker 1: write to them. I would say, I'm sure you're normally
44:46
Speaker 1: a pretty cool person, but that's not coming across. I'm
44:50
Speaker 1: not getting that, so let's just leave it here. Or
44:54
Speaker 1: as Matthew Hussey says, and I've interviewed him on this podcast,
44:57
Speaker 1: he just says, basically, you can say something along the
44:59
Speaker 1: lines of I'm not sure what you want from this,
45:01
Speaker 1: but I'm bored. This interaction is boring. Okay, so yeah,
45:06
Speaker 1: something along the lines of you, I'm sure you actually
45:08
Speaker 1: are really cool, but I'm not seeing that based on
45:10
Speaker 1: your chat. I'm not saying that, so maybe we just
45:13
Speaker 1: leave it. But what I'm not gonna put up with
45:16
Speaker 1: is this what are you doing? Every three days? But
45:19
Speaker 1: you're like, we're not taking it any further. You might
45:22
Speaker 1: have invited them out and they're like, yeah, yeah, I'm
45:24
Speaker 1: really busy this weekend, maybe next weekend, and then they
45:26
Speaker 1: keep with this shit chat of what are you doing?
45:27
Speaker 1: That is someone who is desperate for validation, desperate for validation,
45:32
Speaker 1: and you are just one of their little sources of validation.
45:35
Speaker 1: You're like you every time you answer, you give them
45:37
Speaker 1: a validation coin. They take that little validation coin, then
45:40
Speaker 1: they fill up their little validation cub and then they're
45:42
Speaker 1: good for the next few days. And then they slide
45:44
Speaker 1: back into your fucking messages or DMS or whatever because
45:46
Speaker 1: they need more. Okay, that's what's happening. If someone doesn't
45:49
Speaker 1: want to hang out with you, it makes excuses why
45:50
Speaker 1: they can't, but keep saying, oh, what are you doing right,
45:52
Speaker 1: that's what's happening. Say I've got no chips to give,
45:55
Speaker 1: you can't find it somewhere else. Not interested, you're boring,
45:58
Speaker 1: you're wasting my time, bomb fucking voyage all the best. Now,
46:04
Speaker 1: the last one is public put downs. This is when
46:07
Speaker 1: someone is using you as the butt of the joke. Okay,
46:11
Speaker 1: if someone uses you as the butt of a joke
46:15
Speaker 1: in front of other people, then and okay, obviously the
46:20
Speaker 1: best thing you can do is the example I gave
46:22
Speaker 1: earlier of my friend. You know, if you feel comfortable
46:26
Speaker 1: with your friend to say, hey, you know what, I
46:29
Speaker 1: don't find that funny anymore. I'd really rather you didn't,
46:31
Speaker 1: you know, just just be straight up, dead honest, And
46:34
Speaker 1: that works really well if you're in a very healthy, generally,
46:37
Speaker 1: very good, loving friendship where you can just say that
46:40
Speaker 1: and you know you're not gonna be judging me. But
46:42
Speaker 1: if you're in a situation where someone does it all
46:44
Speaker 1: the time. They're always using you as the butt of
46:46
Speaker 1: the joke, but for everything, and then if you take offense,
46:49
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, calm down, it was just a joke.
46:51
Speaker 1: That shit okay. Number one, don't laugh, Like I said earlier,
46:55
Speaker 1: If you laugh, it's simmers down what the person has done.
46:59
Speaker 1: You can address it very calmly. You can say something
47:01
Speaker 1: along the lines of, well, I'm glad one of us
47:04
Speaker 1: found that funny. Even if you're in a group, you
47:06
Speaker 1: can say I'm glad one of us found that funny,
47:08
Speaker 1: referring to them, or you can just not say anything,
47:14
Speaker 1: stare at them, and this is going to be their
47:16
Speaker 1: cue to probably be like, I'm joking, it's a joke.
47:19
Speaker 1: Light up, it's a joke. Then I would just say
47:21
Speaker 1: something so simple as then I think it's time that
47:24
Speaker 1: you brushed up on your comedy. No one's laughing. People
47:28
Speaker 1: need to know that you don't find it funny. And
47:30
Speaker 1: a joke is only funny if both participants in this
47:33
Speaker 1: joke are laughing. If one person is like, ha ha
47:36
Speaker 1: ha ha ha, I'm putting you down, often other people
47:40
Speaker 1: are laughing because they themselves don't want to be the
47:43
Speaker 1: victim of being the butt of the joke, so they're
47:45
Speaker 1: like laughing along, keep this person happy. But a lot
47:47
Speaker 1: of the time, when someone's isolating one person in the
47:50
Speaker 1: group and making a joke of them, everyone else gets nervous,
47:53
Speaker 1: so they don't really know how to react. And if
47:55
Speaker 1: you don't have enough of like, you know, confidence in
47:59
Speaker 1: that moment to stand up for the other person who
48:01
Speaker 1: just got laughed at, you're probably just gonna go ah,
48:03
Speaker 1: that kind of nervous laugh. It's not funny, okay. So
48:08
Speaker 1: there's a few things. But if you are ever lost
48:11
Speaker 1: for what to do, silence is always brilliant, okay, because
48:16
Speaker 1: it will always put the spotlight on the last thing
48:19
Speaker 1: that was said. Everyone always remembers the last thing that
48:21
Speaker 1: was said, So don't erase it by brushing it off
48:24
Speaker 1: with laughing saying yeah, that was funny, because then it
48:27
Speaker 1: takes away the spotlight, make the other person awkward, make
48:30
Speaker 1: them feel uncomfortable. You're doing yourself a huge service if
48:33
Speaker 1: you do that. Okay. So basically, the importance, the important
48:40
Speaker 1: thing that you want to grasp from this entire episode
48:43
Speaker 1: is that not everyone needs to like you. In order
48:46
Speaker 1: for you to like yourself, you need to prioritize respect
48:50
Speaker 1: over popularity. Your people are going to come to you,
48:54
Speaker 1: but your people can't find you unless they can align
48:57
Speaker 1: with you. So if you're fucking around treating yourself like
49:00
Speaker 1: shit and accepting shit from other people, then your people
49:04
Speaker 1: aren't going to find you. Okay, respect number one. Then
49:08
Speaker 1: popularity will come later with the right people. What's the
49:11
Speaker 1: point of being popular with people that treat you like shit?
49:14
Speaker 1: What is the point? Are we all crazy here? Have
49:17
Speaker 1: we all gone mad? Well? There's no point. Okay. I'd
49:20
Speaker 1: rather be respected and have a handful of friends than
49:23
Speaker 1: be super popular and crying myself to sleep every night
49:26
Speaker 1: because of how hated I feel, okay, or how much
49:28
Speaker 1: I hate myself because of how people are treating my
49:30
Speaker 1: life shit. So prior to has respect of a popularity,
49:33
Speaker 1: you want to learn to detach from specific people. If
49:35
Speaker 1: you're not willing to walk away, then you're not willing
49:38
Speaker 1: to do the work to teach people how to treat you.
49:41
Speaker 1: You've got it like this could be your mantra. I'm
49:42
Speaker 1: willing to walk away if I'm disrespected, I'm willing to
49:45
Speaker 1: walk away. I'm willing to that way I can give
49:48
Speaker 1: like ultimatums I can give all these things. I can.
49:50
Speaker 1: I can, I could request how I want to be treated, okay,
49:55
Speaker 1: because if at the end of the day people are
49:58
Speaker 1: going to disrespect me or not treat me well, I
50:00
Speaker 1: can walk away. And I want you to also empower
50:04
Speaker 1: yourself through language. Okay, So stop apologizing all the time
50:09
Speaker 1: for existing. You want to replace constant apologies for assertiveness
50:15
Speaker 1: or even just gratitude. I saw this like TikTok ages ago,
50:18
Speaker 1: and it was instead of saying something like it was
50:21
Speaker 1: something along the lines. Instead of saying I'm so sorry
50:24
Speaker 1: I'm late, you say thank you so much for waiting
50:26
Speaker 1: for me, or if it's a late reply on an email,
50:29
Speaker 1: like sorry I took so long to reply, to say
50:31
Speaker 1: thank you for your patience with my reply. You know
50:34
Speaker 1: you want to be assertive. Another thing that I've started doing,
50:37
Speaker 1: and this is like one of the biggest flexes of
50:39
Speaker 1: twenty twenty four for me, is I eliminated ninety nine
50:42
Speaker 1: percent of exclamation marks in my emails. It's such a
50:45
Speaker 1: female thing to do to like hello, Like an exclamation
50:49
Speaker 1: mark is like saying I'm actually smiling, I'm being really friendly.
50:52
Speaker 1: Exclamation mark, exclamation Fuck the exclamation marks fuck them right off. Okay,
50:57
Speaker 1: full stop, Hello, full stop. Yes, this is blah blah
51:01
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, full stop, and then you sign off
51:03
Speaker 1: bang full stop. Do you know how empowering that feels.
51:05
Speaker 1: Just eliminating exclamation marks and emails will make you the
51:08
Speaker 1: biggest powerhouse you've ever felt. Try that for fun next week. Okay,
51:13
Speaker 1: that pretty much sums up the episode. People will treat
51:18
Speaker 1: you the way you allow them to treat you within reason.
51:22
Speaker 1: Obviously not initially, but the moment you've set the standard,
51:25
Speaker 1: the moment you've shown them, they're going to treat you
51:27
Speaker 1: according to that or they're going to fade away. This
51:30
Speaker 1: goes for narcissists, This goes for unhealthy relationships, mean friends.
51:36
Speaker 1: It gets to a point where narcissists and toxic people
51:39
Speaker 1: are the way they are because they get something out
51:41
Speaker 1: of it. You then represent a roadblock. They stop getting
51:45
Speaker 1: anything out of you, so they move on to the
51:47
Speaker 1: next target. If you set a standard for how you
51:51
Speaker 1: will be treated, then the people that do want to
51:54
Speaker 1: treat you poorly, they get nothing out of it, so
51:56
Speaker 1: they're like, I'm not welcome here, or what I'm trying
51:59
Speaker 1: to achieve isn't working. I'm out. So that's what I
52:02
Speaker 1: mean about the people that treat you actually will fade away.
52:05
Speaker 1: It's because they're gonna look for what they need elsewhere.
52:07
Speaker 1: They're not gonna find it in you, Okay, and then
52:10
Speaker 1: the people that do align with you are gonna come
52:12
Speaker 1: flocking to you. All right, Love you guys so much.
52:16
Speaker 1: That was my episode for today. Hope you guys got
52:19
Speaker 1: a lot out of it. I want you to feel empowered.
52:21
Speaker 1: We're coming into the end of the year. It's a
52:23
Speaker 1: good fucking time if you spend Christmas with absolute degenerates,
52:27
Speaker 1: set some fucking boundaries, protect your bubble over the holiday season,
52:33
Speaker 1: and we're going to enter the new year fucking unbothered
52:37
Speaker 1: and fabulous. All right. I feel like I should just
52:40
Speaker 1: like have an episode called unbothered in fabulous anyway, Love
52:43
Speaker 1: you guys so much. You are my beautiful beans, my
52:46
Speaker 1: beans of life, my little beans. I'm also going to
52:49
Speaker 1: release an album next year. Shanai will compose the music
52:52
Speaker 1: for it. She's smiling and nodding. We're very excited anyway.
52:55
Speaker 1: That's all, Love you guys so much. As always, remember
52:57
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, becun't of your brain, don't take
53:00
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially especially with this episode, don't
53:04
Speaker 1: take ship from yourself. Love you guys too much. Dog,