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How to Get Over a Breakup: 5 Neuroscience-Backed Steps · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: My name is Alexis Fernandez. This is Do You Fucking Mind?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: This is the podcast where I help you change your
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: relationship with yourself and with your brain, in particular in
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: today's episode. So basically in this episode, I want to talk,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: there's many questions that I'm going to ask and answer
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: on your behalf. Like why is it that you can
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: know someone that is not right for you, but still
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: feel like your entire life depends on on having them
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: back in your life. Why does heartbreak feel like you
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: are going through crazy withdrawals where you can't sleep, you
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: can't eat properly, and you can't even get through a
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: normal day? Why does it feel when you're heartbroken that
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you are never going to find happiness again, that you're
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: never going to find love again, and that you never
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: fully recover? In this episode, I'm going to be uncovering
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: the neuroscience of heartbreak and healing from a heartbreak. Why
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: we become so tangled up with this reward-seeking behavior when
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: it comes to heartbreak. What's actually happening to your attachment
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and your sense of self. Why it is that losing
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: someone can hurt actually physical. I'm going to be talking
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: about the physical changes in the brain. And then I'm
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: going to get practical about healing. What are actual things
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: you can do to rewire your brain back to a
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: happy state where you could be even happier than what
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: you were before you met this person. and I'm going
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: to be talking about how you can start to build
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: a life that really feels like your own and find
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: your way back to yourself, okay? So that is what
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: we are talking about in today's episode. Now, quick life update.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not even going to give you one.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Life is great. Everything's fabulous.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I kind of just want to get into the topic
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: of today's episode, but I do have a brain fact. Now,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: this brain fact is is very relevant to today's episode.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: So this is why I decided to add this brain
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: fact in. It is absolutely incredible and it is something
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: called the dorsal vagal shutdown. Learn it, dorsal vagal shutdown.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: You're gonna learn so much about yourself in this episode.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: You're just gonna, like, you won't be able to, you
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: wanna marry me by the end of it, okay? And
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: then I'll break your heart and then you have to
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: heal from that heartbreak because I'm gonna teach you so much. Now,
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  Speaker 1: the dorsal vagal shutdown is basically an involuntary response in
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: your nervous system that slows down your heart rate. It
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: lowers your blood pressure and its aim is to conserve
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: energy during intense overwhelm or like incredibly high levels of
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: stress that you can't get out of. So I want
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: you to think about it. You know, when you talk
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: about fight or flight, And now more and more people
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: are saying it's.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Fight, flight or freeze.
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  Speaker 1: This is the freeze because what happens when your body
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: freezes is very, very different to fight or flight. So
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: for a lot of people, you might be confused being like,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: how does the same brain region or the same reaction
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: to a stimulus give off such different like options, fighting,
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  Speaker 1: fleeing or just freezing? Like freezing just sounds so like counterintuitive,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: doesn't it? So this is the freeze aspect of it.
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  Speaker 1: And it normally happens when you feel like you are
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: in a situation that you absolutely cannot get out of.
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  Speaker 2: This is where animals pretend to be dead, okay?
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  Speaker 1: It's where no matter how much fighting or fleeing or
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: flight you could do, you're never gonna get out of
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: that situation. So the brain then switches from that option
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  Speaker 1: to this dorsal vagal shutdown. Now, the name dorsal vagal
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: shutdown is due to its anatomy. So dorsal referring to
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  Speaker 1: posterior like the back part, and it's this nerve pathway
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  Speaker 1: that originates in the dorsal motor nucleus.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Of the vagus nerve.
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  Speaker 1: So the vagus nerve is one of the cranial nerves,
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  Speaker 1: and cranial nerve 10 to be specific, and it's the
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  Speaker 1: primary nerve of the parasympathetic nervous system, okay? Now, there's
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  Speaker 1: this theory called the polyvagal theory, and this theory was
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: put forward by researcher Stephen Porges or Porgs, apologies for
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: not knowing how to pronounce his surname, where basically the
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  Speaker 1: parasympathetic nervous system is kind of split into two functions.
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  Speaker 1: So there is the ventral vagal system, ventral meaning front,
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  Speaker 1: and this is the social connection, the safety, the rest
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  Speaker 1: and digest. Remember when we talk about switching from fight
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  Speaker 1: or flight to rest and digest, okay? The rest and
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  Speaker 1: digest is kind of that part, of the vagus nerve.
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  Speaker 1: But then you've got what we were talking about, which
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  Speaker 1: is dorsal vagal shutdown, which is more older, more primitive,
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  Speaker 1: more kind of from like an evolutionary standpoint. And this
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  Speaker 1: is the freeze, collapse, play dead thing that we're talking about.
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  Speaker 1: So it's almost like that nerve has kind of two
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  Speaker 1: functions here. The, what was I talking about? The polyvagal
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: theory that we're talking about. So when fight or flight
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  Speaker 1: fails and you realize you cannot get out of this situation,
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  Speaker 1: you then essentially freeze. So it's this deep conservation mode
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  Speaker 1: that your body goes into. And the signs of it
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: are intense exhaustion, sluggish digestion, low blood pressure, emotional numbness,
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  Speaker 1: feeling flat, feeling empty, social withdrawal, hopelessness, brain fog, and.
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  Speaker 2: A difficulty doing basic tasks.
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  Speaker 1: You have zero motivation even for stuff that normally would
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: be an automated task. So zero motivation to eat. zero
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  Speaker 1: motivation to brush your teeth or make your bed. Stuff
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  Speaker 1: that you don't even normally need motivation for, you're not doing, okay?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Now this occurs, and the reason why I'm bringing this
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  Speaker 1: up is because there are people when they enter severe
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: emotional distress, and this could be from grief or like
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: as in the loss of a loved one via death,
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  Speaker 1: or it could happen in intense heartbreak from a breakup,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: a divorce or something where you've got this such an
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: intense emotional experience. that you can't run away from it,
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  Speaker 1: you can't fight it. And in extreme cases, this dorsal
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  Speaker 1: vagal shutdown can occur. And so it's important that if
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  Speaker 1: you yourself are going through this or someone you love
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: is going through this, that you look out for exactly
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: those signs like hopelessness, withdrawal, the numbness. It's this kind
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of numbness. You're in so much pain that you literally
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: kind of go numb and you're just like this shell
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  Speaker 1: of your former self. Now, there are many ways to
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  Speaker 1: manage it, but I will say number one, given that
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  Speaker 1: this comes from extreme, extreme, extreme, you know, heartbreak or grief,
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  Speaker 1: the number one way would be through therapy with a
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  Speaker 1: qualified clinician, obviously, that specializes in trauma care.
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  Speaker 2: That would be number one.
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  Speaker 1: But there are other physical grounding techniques that you could do.
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  Speaker 1: And that is trying to find ways to reconnect with
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  Speaker 1: your body instead of feeling this detached numbness. So a
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  Speaker 1: really good one is something like a weighted blanket or
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: keeping yourself wrapped up and really cozy. Or another one
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  Speaker 1: is things that, that, kind of like, for example, holding
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  Speaker 1: something really cold or really warm or lying on those
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  Speaker 1: mats that have like beaded things so you can really
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  Speaker 1: feel all the parts of your back. Those are really
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  Speaker 1: good physical grounding techniques. And then of course, there's other
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  Speaker 1: movements that you can do that's calming for the body,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: but reconnecting you to your body. Things like yin yoga
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: or slow stretching or something like that. Not an intense exercise.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: That's absolutely what you don't want to be doing in
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: this time. You're just trying to calm everything down and
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: reconnect with your body, okay? So that I will raise
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: later on in the episode, but that's called the dorsal
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: vagal shutdown.
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  Speaker 2: So if you haven't ever heard of that, there you go.
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  Speaker 1: Now let's talk about the neuroscience of heartbreak. What exactly
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: is going on in your brain? What kind of physical
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: changes are occurring? And what is the difference between romantic
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: love versus other kinds of relationships that we might have?
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  Speaker 1: And why is it that this kind of love is
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: so painful that it feels like it's taking over your life?
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  Speaker 1: And how do we fucking turn it around, okay? So pain,
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  Speaker 1: physical and emotional, A, runs on very similar, if not
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  Speaker 1: very much overlapping pathways in the brain. That's why painkillers
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  Speaker 1: can actually take the edge of emotional pain, right? And
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  Speaker 1: that's why endorphins, which is your body's like natural chemical
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  Speaker 1: to kill pain, which is released in exercise. So endorphins
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  Speaker 1: is endogenous morphine. It's a natural painkiller for your body.
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  Speaker 1: which is designed to ease your physical body, also helps
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  Speaker 1: with your emotional pain. That's why when you exercise or
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: you do a hard hit session in the depths of
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: your heartbreak, soon after, you feel a lot better. Not
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: saying that you'll feel a lot better for the rest
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: of your days, but it really soothes that pain in
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  Speaker 1: the moment or in the foreseeable future after that exercise session, okay?
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  Speaker 1: So we know that the pain, emotional and physical pain,
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  Speaker 1: run on similar pathways, but pain also... actually changes your brain.
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  Speaker 1: Heartbreak puts your brain through physical change. And there's so
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  Speaker 1: much science around and so many studies around heartbreak and
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  Speaker 1: the changes and physical pain versus emotional pain and all
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  Speaker 1: of that. And there's really interesting things that were seen
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: during falling in love. And then I'm going to go
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: into the heartbreak. So when it comes to falling in love,
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  Speaker 1: what's actually happening in the brain? Because we're getting all
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: these changes. So through fMRI studies, which is functional MRI
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: magnetic resonance imaging. fMRI studies detect blood flow increased blood
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: flow to certain regions of the brain and when there
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: is increased blood flow it is letting us know that
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  Speaker 1: that is where there's a lot of activity a lot
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  Speaker 1: of firing in that brain region because that brain region
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  Speaker 1: is using up a lot of energy so it needs
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: more energy it needs oxygen so it needs blood flow
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: okay so when you see increased blood flow in an fMRI,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: that's where we want to study that region of the brain.
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  Speaker 2: Something's happening there.
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  Speaker 1: And in the early stages of romantic love versus people that,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: like say you're looking at a photo of someone that you've,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: you know, like in the early stages where it's like
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: all this excitement and passion and love and adrenaline and
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: all of these things versus looking at an image of
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: someone that you either might not be very familiar with,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: or someone that you just don't really have strong feelings
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: for whatsoever, like a colleague. There's activity in the ventral
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  Speaker 1: tegmental area, the VTA, which is a region that's super rich.
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  Speaker 2: In dopamine producing neurons, okay?
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  Speaker 1: These neurons in the VTA produce, make up around 60%
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: of those neurons in that area of the brain, in
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: the brainstem, okay? Now, in as you likely know based
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: off my podcast and maybe other things that you would
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: have read or seen dopamine is in charge of many
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: many many things it's known as like the the addictive
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: chemical but it's also in charge of motivation arousal reward
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: processing wakefulness and pleasure it's also key for survival it
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: is the chemical that reminds us to eat it reminds
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: us to go for things that's going to equal our
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: survival or survival of the species that's why love is
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: seen differently to other emotional connections that we might have.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Romantic love is seen as like this primal need. So
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: the brain treats it that way. That's why dopamine is
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: very heavily involved in romantic love, like falling in love, okay?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Because it's borderline addictive. We have to have it in
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: order to survive. And even though you as an individual
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: would survive fine without it, The species overall wouldn't if
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: none of us gave like, oh, I don't really have
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: to go and hang out with that person or sleep
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: with that person.
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  Speaker 2: It's much of a muchness.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: If we were all like that, then that would be
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: an issue for the species, okay? So we kind of
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: need this drive or addiction in order to fall in love.
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  Speaker 1: And a lot of this research suggests that romantic love
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: is kind more like this thirst or a hunger.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: Versus any other emotion, okay?
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Now, interestingly, when we think of ourselves and how other
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: people see us, there's this part of the brain that
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: lights up called the medial prefrontal cortex. This is the
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: hub for self-referential thought and the hub for identity. But
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: it also lights up when you're trying to understand the
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: feelings of other people and, you know, this social understanding
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: and getting to know someone and caring and empathy and
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: getting to, you know, connect with that person. So we're
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: seeing like a total overlap of these particular brain regions,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: especially as you start to get more connected to someone.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: But if we're thinking.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: About a completely different person, a total stranger, it's a
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: different area altogether, okay? And this is the posterior singular cortex.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: So it's only when we like think of ourselves and
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: then we think about someone that we're close to, someone
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: that we care about and what they might be thinking,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: it's almost like an overlap in that region and it
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: is almost as if the people that we care about
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: are almost seen as part of ourselves and the ones
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: that we really love become part of us. We interpret
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: it as part of our own identity. That is why
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: when you are heartbroken, it feels like a part of
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: you has died, okay? Because part of your identity, that
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: connection that you're seeing in that person in you is
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: no longer. Now statements, this is really cute, statements that
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: are really nice about ourselves are We have like a
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: certain part of the striatum that fires up. But then
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: when we hear statements or praise directed to somebody that
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: we love, especially someone that we're in love with, fires
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: in the same region. Like we feel reward, like a
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: pleasure when we hear something really nice being said about
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: the person that we love. And this creates like a
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: deep bonding relationship. towards that individual because we feel this
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: like joy when something good has been said about them
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: we feel closer to them we feel like they are
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: part of us so your brain is registering this as
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: a victory it's registering it as a reward as as
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: if something nice was being said about you so We're
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: seeing basically that when we fall in love, when we
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: love someone deeply, whether it's the early stages of romance
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: or whether it's this deep understanding and knowing of someone
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: that's gone through years and years and years, we start
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to wire our brains to be really intertwined with them
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: and they become part of us as far as how
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: the brain is interpreting it. Obviously, they're not technically, but
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: that's what we're feeling and that's how our brain is
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: interpreting us. And there's all this research that's done on
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: different kinds of love And if they fire in the
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: same regions or if they don't fire in the same
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: brain regions. And there's the different kinds of love are romantic, children, friends, pets,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: nature and strangers. Now, they don't have extended family there.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: I'm guessing that falls into friends, but I'm not quite sure.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: But they found that generally all kinds of love do
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: fire off in similar brain regions, but by far the
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: strongest activation by a mile is romantic love and the
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: love for your children. That is the one where we
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: will go above and beyond to do.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: Absolutely anything for.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: The other kinds of love are still really important, but
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like the firing is just not as strong.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: And when we talk about love for strangers, it's more
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: that empathy for a stranger or doing like an altruistic
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: thing for a stranger. So there is that love Sounds like, well,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: why would you love a stranger in that sense of
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: like caring for the general good of other people? So now,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: other than dopamine, we've got other chemicals that are being
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: released when we are in love, whether it's early stages
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: or long-term stages. And these are chemicals, neuropeptides. Oxytocin, which
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: we know as the bonding chemical, the largest hit of
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: oxytocin you will ever receive is, well, sorry men, but
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: when you give birth to a baby, during birth or
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: when the baby has just been born, the mother gets
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: this massive, massive wave of oxytocin and that is to
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: create this initial intense bond with the baby, okay? Another
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: one is vasopressin, which is that protection, the need to protect,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: caring and staying connected. So we're getting this beautiful kind
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: of flow of these chemicals that make us feel not
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: only good, but protective and protected and connected. So it's fabulous, right?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: And then you get dumped on your ass, okay? So
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: we've had all these bonds that make us feel secure,
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: comfortably attached, and also pleasure, makes us feel pleasure. And
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: then something just gets ripped away. Now, I also want
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: to say, before I talk about what's actually happening with
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: the heartbreak, bonds, bonding between individuals is not only just
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: good for when we talk about our mental health and
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: my happiness and whatever, but cellular, it helps with cellular growth,
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: oxytocin and vasopressin with cellular growth and reduction in inflammation
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: and immune support.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: When we have healthy bonding, and mind.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: You, this is not this particular fact, this can just
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: be with friends as well. When we have healthy bonding,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: we are less likely to be sick. We are our
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: cells are going to be healthier in general. These strong
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: social bonds increase the likelihood of surviving a health issue
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: like cancer and overall longevity. So loneliness, chronic loneliness, not
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: just romantically but from friends, shares a similar elevated risk
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: of death than chronic smokers and also.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Severe obesity as well.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: So when you look at overall like health concerns, that
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: feeling of like absolute loneliness and a disconnect from people
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: is one of the worst things you can do for
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: your health. Now, when heartbreak happens, we've got this widespread
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: effect on the brain, okay? From like chemicals and neuropeptides
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: being released, different areas that are firing, this visceral pain,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: that physical pain that we feel when we're going through heartbreak,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: activates the same survival states and pain pathways. So now
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: we've got this kind of surge of cortisol and adrenaline
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: because we are in this, like what the fuck has happened,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: this withdrawal when not only are we feeling the lack
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: of these positive chemicals, but then we're also in a
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: heightened stress response state. So we feel extremely... extremely uncomfortable emotionally,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: but also physically. Now I'm sure many, many, many of
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: you can relate, but when you go through extreme heartbreak,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: when someone's broken your heart, you feel chest pains, like
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: an actual physical weight on your chest is the feeling.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: This lack of appetite, although for some people it is,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: they will binge eat to soothe their pain. So, but
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: it's normally one of the two extremes when it comes
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: to you know, a total aversion of food, but it
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: can be a binge, but it's not really, that binge
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: doesn't really come from hunger. That binge comes from a,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: like a pacification of pain. Okay.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Palpitations, like actual heart palpitations.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: And it's just awful, awful, awful. And it feels like
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: you can't control it. And really bad sleep, like very
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: poor sleep. Even if you kind of slept through the night,
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: you wake up feeling like you've been beaten. Okay.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Now this is really fucking interesting.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: In extreme cases, people can experience something called tacotsubo cardiomyopathy,
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: which is also known as broken heart syndrome. And it's
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: a version of heart failure. And in rare cases, it
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: is life-threatening. It's basically a temporary weakening of one of
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: the hearts of the main pumping chamber. I don't know which,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not a heart expert, so I'm not sure. But
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: it's one of the main chambers that kind of has
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: this temporary weakness. And it's triggered by severe stress, emotional
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: or physical stress. And this trigger can be through heartbreak, grief, fear,
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: financial loss, surprise.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: Lol, imagine having that because you're surprised. Like surprise, happy birthday.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: And then you go into this. fucking broken heart syndrome, imagine,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: or anger, okay? So another fun fact is, well, this
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: is not fun at all, but you are 21 times
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: more likely to suffer a heart attack in the 24-hour
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: period after the death of a spouse, of your spouse, okay? So,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: and that risk stays elevated to six to eight times
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: more likely to experience a heart attack than the.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: General healthy population.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: In the first week after.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: The spouse's death.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: So you often hear, especially with old people who've spent
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: their whole lives together, that they die like you hear
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: these really sad stories that one passes away and then
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: days later the other one passed away. A strong reason
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: for that could be down to this like extreme emotional
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: pain and extreme stress on your heart. And that is
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: why you literally can die of heartbreak, which is very sad. Also,
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: severe emotional stress can increase the tendency of clots in
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: the heart. So we obviously want to do.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Something about this. I hope I haven't traumatized you.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Basically, I'm trying to show you that there's a lot
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: of study and a lot of research.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Of what's going on.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: We've got this chemical imbalance in the brain. We've got
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: severe and chronic stress. And then when that happens, we
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: also feel like that inflammation goes up. Our sleep goes down.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: We're not nourishing our bodies properly. So it's almost like
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: there's this multi-pronged effect that's happening to you. You're not
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: engaging in behaviors that are going to be healthy and
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: helpful because you just can't because of the chemicals that
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: are involved in this with zero motivation to do any
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: of this shit. You also have a reduction in dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin,
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: and then you also have an increase in cortisol and
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: adrenaline and things like that. So you're feeling, for lack
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: of a better word, fucked. And the ability to just
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: turn it around is gonna be, it feels just too overwhelming,
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: but it can be changed. Now, mind you, Let's talk
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: about what with the wiring of the brain. You, like
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: I said, your body's getting flooded with cortisol and that
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: starts to change the wiring of the brain because you
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: become very reactive. You're not proactive. You're not thinking, right,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: what are the steps that I can do? What is that?
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: You're in this reactive, you know, survival mode. I need
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: to protect myself. I need to, I just need to,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: and then, or you might be what I mentioned earlier,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: where you are having that dorsal vagal shutdown when you're
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: completely numb and it's just this awful state that you
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: kind of, fall into. The more you have this chronic stress,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: and this could be emotional, it could be work-related, it
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: could also be physical, but chronic stress on the body
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: starts to disrupt communication between regions of the brain. That's
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: why when you're quite stressed, remembering basic things becomes a
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: your short-term memory or your retrieval especially is shot to pieces.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: And then it causes more stress because you're like, I
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: can't fucking sit down and do any work.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: I can't sit down and concentrate. I can't focus.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: So a lot of the time when you're heartbroken, it's
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: then bleeding into all these other areas of your life
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: because you feel like everything's falling apart, not just your relationship,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: but all these other little admin areas of your life
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: that in isolation would be fine, but when you add
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: it all up, it's so overwhelming because you just can't
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: keep up. So you feel like you're just on this
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: downhill trajectory. And that is because the connectivity between brain
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: regions really suffers when we have chronic elevated levels of cortisol. Now,
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: cortisol is not the demon. High cortisol in the morning,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: fabulous to stay on and focus and all of that.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: But we're talking chronic stress. That's what we're talking about.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: It's very different.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I also have two entire episodes on cortisol, one about
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: caffeine and cortisol and one about cortisol in general.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: So definitely check that out if you're interested.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: But basically, we've seen this rewiring and the aim now...
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: is to go from heartbreak, this shell of a human
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: that you are right now as you're listening to this
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: episode or the shell of a human that your friend
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: is right now and you're gonna try and help them.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: Out to a really healed, happy version of yourself.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Now that we know that everything that you're going through
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: has an exact scientific explanation as to why you're looking
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: at the wiring, you're looking at the chemicals, you're looking
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: at what was firing and now why it's not firing
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: and why you've seen all these changes, why it is
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: that your life feels like it's falling apart even outside
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: of this heartbreak Now we can do something about it.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: The first thing that you're going to do, I've got
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: five steps, okay? Get a pen, get a paper, pause this,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: cry if need be. I've got an episode on the
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: tactical cry.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Very good for you.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Very good for you. But number one, write it down.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: You're going to face the hurt. You need to feel
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: these feelings. It is actually more stressful for your brain
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: to suppress the expression of an emotion than than it
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: is to express it. We need to express it. Now,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: this is very different to spiraling. If you're having a
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: really nice time with your friends and it's one of
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: the few times that you're kind of like feeling a
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: bit lighter and a bit more hopeful about your future,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: You're not going to be like, I just need to
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: put on a fucking depressing playlist. I need to spot,
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: that's not helpful. But if you're like tears on the edge,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: like just you're brimming with tears and you're like, don't cry,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. Fair enough if you're
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: presenting at work and you need, okay, I understand you're
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: suppressing then. But if you're at home or if you're
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: in a safe space with your close friends, this is
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: the time to actually feel those emotions. Because when we
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: feel the emotions, our brain, it allows our brain to
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: kind of have this kind of self-therapy. And it allows
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: us to feel the emotions, reprocess, and then kind of
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: feel soothed after. And if you can cry, I do
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: highly recommend crying because like I've said in the past,
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: tears from sorrow, like tears from emotion, release chemicals in them,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: including oxytocin that soothes you. You actually do feel better
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: after an emotional cry. These chemicals are not released in
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: reflex tears. They are just released when you're crying emotionally.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: So never, Unless, like I said, there's like a very
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: good reason why you shouldn't be crying. Never suppress the cry.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: You need to feel it. Now, like we had spoken about,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: because you lose that feeling of your sense of self,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: because you've attached that person and the person you care
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: about so much as part of who you are and
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: your identity, because of that ventral medial prefrontal cortex part
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: of the brain that we were talking about, we kind
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: of need to rebuild this connection part of the brain.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: So if you can do this grieving and crying with
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: very good social support, please do it. If you can
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: call your siblings over, your brother, your sister, your best friends,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: your parents, whoever, just someone who's not going to trigger you,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: someone who's actually you enjoy their company and they're just
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: a good shoulder to cry on. Please use them to
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: cry on their shoulder. I'm telling you, it is very healing.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: And connection, like I said, is one of the healthiest
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: things you can do for your healing. So number one
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: is you are feeling the pain. And ideally, you are
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: doing this with a sense of community around you. When
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: you grieve with community around you, it actually provides healing.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: an emotional buffer when you are going through something, whether
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: it's heartbreak, whether it's grief of like a death, whether
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: it's financial stress, any kind of emotional pain where you've
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: got a social connection and a network around you, where
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: you feel vulnerable, comfortable to be vulnerable, you reduce the
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: risk of long-term depression or of like chronic depression, right?
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Because obviously you're depressed acutely in the moment right now,
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: but if you suffer in silence and alone, the likelihood
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: of you then developing depression goes up. And having this
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: connection is a buffer, like an emotional buffer for you. So,
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: and this is a good indicator for you guys. If
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: your friend is going through a heartbreak and they're like, no,
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: I'm fine. I'm fine.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to like, you know, get under someone
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: to get over someone.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Ha ha ha ha ha. Still check in with them
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: because sometimes people are genuinely fine and it's water for
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: ducks back in there, you know, and other people are
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: just in the fucking trenches, but they don't want to
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: tell you because they might feel like they're a burden
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: or this or that. Please check in with them. send
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: them nice messages, drop in, bring them food, things like that, really,
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: really helpful for their mental health, okay? Now, another part
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: of this actual rewiring that occurs, because that's number one,
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: that is crucial. You need to do step number one
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: before you do anything else. Number two, we need to
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: do a bit of a cleanse. Anytime there's a potential trigger,
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: we are unnecessarily, not only, because I said feeling the,
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: I don't want to confuse you, feeling the emotions is important,
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: but bringing something up to cause you to spiral and
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: spiraling as an example is, but why don't they love me?
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: But why?
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: And I need answers.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: And why? And why did they do this? And surely
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: they watched my story. So it means that they're going
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: to call me back. There's the difference. One is I'm processing.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: I'm feeling, I'm grieving. I'm giving myself my own therapy.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: The other one is, oh my God, this trigger has
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: made me now question everything again. And now I'm going
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: to dig it back up. I'm going to resurrect this
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: thing from the fucking dead. And I'm going to fucking
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: give it another autopsy.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Then I bury it.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Then I make it up and down, up and down.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: You are driving yourself insane.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: You know it. I know it.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: We all fucking know it.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: So what you need to do is remove the triggers.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: No contact. And I'm not saying you can't be friends
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: with them later on. Of course you can.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: But if someone has broken your heart, firstly, if they're
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: an asshole, you shouldn't have contact with them anyway. And
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: if they're not an asshole and if it was like
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: ultimately they just, A, didn't love you, that doesn't make
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: them a bad person, or B, you drifted apart and
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: you're really grieving with them, whatever the reason, if they're
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: a good person, they will understand that you need a
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: significant like chunk of space. A good person who's not
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: selfish will be like, I will give you the space
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: you need.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: I'd love us to have like at least a friendship.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Even if you co-parent, they will still respect that you
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: need space and they'll only contact you when it's about
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: the child and they'll not try and be up in
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: your grill and in your face. Okay. That's a respectful
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: person will do that. So whenever possible and as much
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: as possible, you're going to eliminate the triggers. If you can,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: delete all the text messages. Any photos that you have
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: floating around, you're going to get rid of. And if
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: you don't want to delete them, you're going to like
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: put them away. I don't want these photos cropping up.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: And if you're someone like, I don't need, on Instagram,
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: you're going to mute them. One of the worst triggers
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: that we look for is seeing if your ex or
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: the person that you like has watched your stories.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: Stop it.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Mute this person if you have to. Block them for
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: all I care. But that compulsion is very unhealthy because
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: it's a trigger that keeps you're looking for evidence that
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: doesn't actually exist. If this person broke up with you,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: stop trying to find evidence as to why they love
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: you or why they actually deep down want to be
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: with you. And don't come to me saying, yeah, but
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: my cousin's boyfriend's boss said that... you know, they broke
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: up and then he's ex with, I don't care what
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: one in a million person in general, it's not good
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: for you. And if someone actually loves you, they can
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: find a better way than indicating it by watching your
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: fucking Instagram stories. So that's not an excuse. You're going
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: to mute them, block them.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: I don't care.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: But every trigger that's there, burn the bridge, burn the bridge. Okay.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Like I said, you don't have to eliminate them forever,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: but in the initial stages, Distance is your friend.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: You have to do this.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Number three, level the playing field. And what I mean
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: by this is every time you miss them, every time
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: you think about something positive about them, remind yourself, like
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: create an ick list or an incompatibility. Because even when
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: you were with that person, Remember that time you had
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: that fight and deep down you're like, this fucking cunt,
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: I know I'd be happier without them, even though you
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: love them. And then you're like, oh, I just need
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: to remind myself of that fight where I was really
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: annoyed at them. Just any piece of evidence that's going
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: to help you heal, just even if they're crumbs, take
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: the crumbs, babe.
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: Take the crumbs.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: Like any ick, any incompatibility, any fight that you had
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: that you're like, oh, this grinds my gears, that time
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: that they didn't stand up for you with your in-laws,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: whatever it is. Evidence, evidence, evidence, evidence, evidence.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: And then you level the playing field.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: You can be like, there are times that even when
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I was in the relationship, even though I loved them,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: where I.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Felt, oh, is this my forever person? Is this this?
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Is this that? Because we have this tendency that when
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: we feel this extreme grief and pain, because we feel
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: that our life is at threat, literally that's what our
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: brain's telling. It's so dramatic, by the way, but that's
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: what our brain's doing to us. We then think, there
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: was no better person than that. But when you're level-headed,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: you realise, no, we had our problems. We had our issues.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: And I need to remind myself that not to say
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: that the relationship wasn't good because it might have been fabulous,
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: but you need to remind yourself that we are just
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: human at the end of the day. Everyone comes with
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: their flaws. And at the same time, because we're human,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: we're always changing. We're always evolving. And I do not
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: believe that there's only ever one person out there for you.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: That's just, I just don't see that as a possibility.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: There's always going to be someone that you can connect with.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: And if it, you know, Sometimes you have like three
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: great loves, sometimes it's fucking 25 great loves in your life.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: So you've got to stop believing this thing that you're
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: telling yourself that you will never find this love again, okay?
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: So level the playing field. There is not one perfect
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: person and that person's now not in your life and
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: you'll never recover. That's just not true. Number four, replace
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: the void. If you keep yourself and your mind in
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: a familiar state or a familiar space... That attachment to
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: your past and that person and your ex stays very
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: solidified and strong. You need to start changing things up.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: I've said this before and I'll say it again. This
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: is why cutting your hair after a breakup is so
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: genuinely good for you.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: It's symbolic.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: It's this drawing the line in the sand. It's no,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: fuck this. This is a new chapter in my life.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: This is a breath of fresh air. I'm going to
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: do this. So if you're someone that's like, oh, I
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: just want to chop my hair off, do it. You
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: honestly won't regret it. Maybe don't chop it off to
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: some crazy extent that you're like, fuck, now my hair
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: is so frizzy and I can't tame it and now
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: I can't. But do something with your appearance that is symbolic, okay,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: because appearance– Changes in your appearance is something that is
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: something you can do really quickly and it's something that
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: can be quite motivating and exciting in a time where
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: you feel an intense lack of motivation. So get a
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: new outfit. Definitely get a new set of bed sheets
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: if you used to share a bed with them. Goodbye,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: burn the bed sheet, burn their pillow, okay? Burn it
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: down to the ground. And we are going to create
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: as much change as is possible without freaking ourselves out, obviously.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're going to start going for different walks. Maybe
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: you always would take your dog on a fucking walk
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: around the same place with your partner. No longer. You're
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: going to take your dog to a brand new place.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: Even maybe drive to a random dog park.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: Go there.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: Who cares? We're changing up the walk. You can try
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: a different workout. Unless you've got really good sense of
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: community at your gym, obviously keep that because like I said,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: community is number one.
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: But anything that you're like, fuck it, I'm going to
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: change this up.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: Maybe you Maybe you're going to do something different on
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: the weekend. Maybe I'm going to take up hiking. I
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: don't know, whatever it is. Maybe you're going to become
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: a person that goes for that morning ocean dip if
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: you lived in the ocean. I don't care. But what
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: I want is you to create changes so that that
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: space of your home and your routine is not exactly
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: the same as what it was when your partner was
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: in your life. And you might be like, yeah, but
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: I loved my life and everything about it was perfect. Well,
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: not anymore, babe. That person has left. So let's create change.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: You know when I talk about chase change so change
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: doesn't chase you basically, it's pretty much saying that when
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: change happens to you and you can't do anything about it,
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: one of the best things you can do is add
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: more change and that's how you feel in control because
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: you're like, well, if this is going to happen to
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: me and I had no control over it and I
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: thought my life was perfect, then why don't I use
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: this opportunity to make even more change? Why don't I
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: use this as the catalyst? I'm going to fucking change
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: my style. I'm going to quit my fucking job.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: I'm going to go overseas. I'm going to do whatever
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: it is. Small, big, I don't care.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: You are going to replace that void because if you
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: keep everything the same, you're going to keep focusing on
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: what's missing, missing, missing, missing. If you change your routine,
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: if you change things up, if you do this, if
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: you blah, blah, blah, then there's less focus on the, oh,
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: we used to sit here and have dinner. We used
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: to go on this walk together. I used to line
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: these sheets together. They're gone now.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: They're fucking gone. You now take control and get rid
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: of it yourself, okay?
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: Next, number five, do things that will genuinely bring you
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: joy and make it only about joy. Don't make it
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: to do with making money. Don't be, and mind you,
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: you can do things to make money separate to this point,
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: but I'm saying, don't be like, oh, well, I've always
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: wanted to start a business where I, whatever. The moment
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: you bring in any other form of stress, it no
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: longer becomes something to heal your brain. We're talking about
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: something that is just for joy. If you're like, oh,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: I'm going to start selling those necklaces that I was making.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: Now you're going to start worrying about the fact that
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: no one liked your post and that you had made
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: one sale in a week and you feel shit about yourself.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: We are doing something that's purely, purely for joy, hobbies. Okay.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: Stop baking fucking cookies. I don't care.
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: Do something. Me, I sewed. I took up sewing so
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: intensely and it was therapy for me. I fucking loved it.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: And I had, there was no end game. There was no,
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: it has to be this. I just, it was amazing.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: It was something that I could do. And I was
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: so entrenched in it. Like I was like, I can't
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: explain it. It was legitimate therapy. And I used to
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: like run so much as well. So I don't care
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: what it is, but start creating new hobbies in your life,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: new things that ideally you never did before, or it
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: could be a return to something you used to do
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: before you met this person, before you even had the relationship.
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: And you're going to revisit that thing.
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: That hobby.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: It could be a social thing.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: It could be something that you do just yourself. But remember,
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: the number one thing out of everything is that.
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: Social connection wherever possible.
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: You need to reconnect or just stay connected with your
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: close friends. And if you're someone that's like, yeah, but
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: I don't really have any friends and I don't this.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: And after the relationship, I got rid of all my friends.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: I know it's hard, but this is a time where
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: you want to be really extending out and meeting people.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: And I know that's easier said than done.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: But more now than ever, I'm seeing podcasters, brands, all
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: kinds of people run clubs. I know you might not
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: like running, join a run club. There are so many
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: opportunities now where things are put together for people to
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: just meet because it's this collective thing where people.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: Are lonelier and they want to make friends.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: So you need to start reaching out within your community
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: and finding those pockets where people are meeting up with
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: the intention to make friends because then they're more likely
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: to be open to a friendship as well. But I'm
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: saying Connection is number one. But then when we're talking
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: about things that bring you joy and adventure, connection to nature,
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: connection to your pets, get a dog.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know if that's the best advice,
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: but they're just the best.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: Anyway, but like I said, that kind of social interaction
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: connection while doing something fun, while doing something enjoyable, call
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: your friends and be like, I feel like shit.
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: Can we go to an escape room tonight? I just
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: want to go to an escape room.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: I can guarantee you when you're in that escape room
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: and that timer is ticking down, you've got 30 minutes
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: left in there, but you need to break out of
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: this Jumanji themed escape room, which I've done at the rocks.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: That's my recommendation for the fucking week. Iconic.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: You are not thinking about anything else. You are not
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: thinking about anything else. You are like, we are fucking
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: getting out of this escape room. It is one of
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: the best things you can do when you are going
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: through like emotional turmoil or a heartbreak. You want to
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: do social connection.
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: You wouldn't be laughing your head off.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: You want to have something like a random activity where
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: even if you'd lost, you would still have gained because
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: you laughed so much while doing it. That's the shit
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: that you need to fill your time up with. Okay.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: But I did scale it in the sense that We
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: still have to feel things first. It's in stages. You're
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: feeling things first. You're having that moment. You're feeling your
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: feelings of grieving. Then we're cleansing. Then you do the
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: big cleanse, okay? Then you start leveling the playing field.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: You get a little bit more confident after the cleanse.
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: You're like, I can remind myself of some icks. I
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: can do this. I can write these down. You start
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: to feel, you start to gain control over your life again.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: Because the cleanse is very empowering. It's painful, but you're like, well,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: I'm the one that chooses to delete this. I'm the
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: one that did this. You start to take some power
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: back and it feels good. Then we're replacing the void.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: This is where you start creating new patterns.
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: In your life. Very empowering again.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: And then we're doing things that bring us joy and
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: adventure and maintaining that connection, but for fun this time.
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: All these things are rewiring your brain back to what
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: it was when you're in that happy state. You start
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: regaining really good connections. Because you start feeling in control again,
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: you start slowly getting that reward of the dopamine.
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: I did this thing. I actually feel really good. I
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm empowered. I did something.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: And it's that excitement of like, oh my God, I
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: can't believe I did that. Oh, that took a lot
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: of balls to do that. And then you feel a
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: bit better about yourself. And then you're like, what else
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: could I do tomorrow? So you start building that chronic
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: level of stress where you feel like you can't take
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: action on anything starts to dissipate. And then everything else,
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: you start to feel better and better. The connections within
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: your brain region start to improve. You start to sleep
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: a bit better. You start to nourish your body more.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: Then you want to move your body more. Then you
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: nourish your body more. Then you start to sleep even
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: better and better. All these things, it's kind of this,
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: you need to be combining all the things that you're doing.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: One thing helps the other. Better sleep helps your mood.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: You know, doing things to help your mood that it's
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: empowering is going to help you fall asleep better. Also,
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: of course, do the other things that are good for
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: your focus in general. Like when you wake up, go
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: outside and get some sunlight.
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: That's going to really set the tone for your mood.
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: Don't doom scroll when you're about to go to sleep
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: because you'll be there until 3 o'clock in the morning.
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: Things like that.
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: Like get a good audio book or a physical book
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: to read. Or maybe watch a rom-com. I don't care,
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: but the thing is don't be doom scrolling at night.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: If you're going to doom scroll, do it in the afternoon.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: Do not do it in bed at night because that's
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: just a deep, dark hole that you're going to fall into.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: So basically that is the episode of today. I just
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: want you to realize that while it sounds a little
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: bit doom and gloom, there is physical changes that create
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: that pain and that hole that you feel you can't
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: get out of. And then other physical changes that pull
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: you completely out of it. And often because it makes
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: you resilient, often you're better off for the pain and
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: the heartbreak because of everything that you did to rebuild.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: You end up, and it could take months for some
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: people a year, but you end up looking back and
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: being like, Had that not happened, I would have never
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: met these people, never started that thing, never gone on
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: that adventure or the journey or the trip or moved
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: homes or done this or done that or tried this
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: or experimented with that. I would have never had that opportunity.
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: And because of that and because you took action, your
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: life is richer and more connected and better for it.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: So right now you might be sitting in the depths
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: of your despair and I'm telling you this is day
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: one now. You want to look at this. If you're
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: in the depths of your heartbreak as day one, and
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: it all starts from here. And then you want to
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: work through those five steps. And if you need to
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: go through the five steps again, do those fucking five
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: steps as many times as you need to.
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: That's fine.
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: And you will start to see changes in your brain.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: Rewiring physical, chemical changes in the brain. Guys, that is
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: all for today's episode. I really hope this was empowering.
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: I hope that it made you realize that you are
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: in control. And it's fine to have that initial absolute meltdown.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: If anything, lean the fuck in and.
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: Have it properly.
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: That what you're feeling is, you know, it makes a
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: lot of sense. It's not you being crazy.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: It's an actual.
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: There's reasons with the chemicals and the wiring as to
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: why you're feeling as fucking shit as you're feeling. And
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: it's completely understandable and fine to feel that way. And
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: then there's a pathway out of it. Guys, that is
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: all for the episode of today. Thank you so much
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: for listening. Please rate, review, share the podcast. listen to
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: it again if you need to, if you're going through,
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: you know, a really hard heartbreak and you need that
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: reassurance again, by all means do that. But thank you
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: to everyone. Thank you for my beans. Thank you for
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: listening to the end. And as always, remember, be kind
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't take shit
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: from anyone and especially don't take shit from yourself. Danke.