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The Power of Being You: Why Being Your Authentic Self May Be the Most Powerful Decision You Ever Make · The Growth Mindset Book Podcast: Ideas That Change the Way You Think

0:32
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been around somebody and felt like you couldn't completely be yourself?
0:37
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were careful about what you said, or you laughed at something you didn't really think was funny.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you agreed with somebody even though you didn't agree with them at all.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you found yourself acting a little differently because you wanted that person to like you.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: And then afterward, when you were by yourself, you thought, why did I do that?
0:59
SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I just say what I really thought?
1:02
SPEAKER_00: I think most of us have experienced that at one time or another.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we do it so naturally that we don't even realize we're doing it.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: We become one version of ourselves around certain people, another version at work, another version around friends, and sometimes another version around family.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: And after a while, I wonder if we even recognize how much energy we're spending trying to be the person we think everybody else wants us to be.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's what I want to spend some time talking with you about today.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: Because I believe there's something incredibly powerful about being comfortable with who you really are.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: Not who you think you should be, not who somebody else wants you to be, not the version of yourself that you believe will impress people or make everybody happy.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the real you.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: The person you are when you're not trying to prove anything to anybody.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: The person who doesn't have to rehearse every conversation, worry about whether somebody approves of them, or pretend to enjoy something just because everybody else seems to enjoy it.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: And I think one of the greatest gifts we can ever give ourselves is the freedom to simply be that person.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: Now, before we go any further, I want to make an important distinction.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Being authentic doesn't mean saying whatever pops into your head without caring how it affects somebody else.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean being rude, selfish, or unwilling to grow.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: And it certainly doesn't mean that every thought or feeling we have needs to be shared with everybody.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: We can be thoughtful, respectful, considerate, and still be completely true to ourselves.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think that's part of what makes authenticity so wonderful.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to make everybody agree with you.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to prove that you're right.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: You're simply comfortable enough with yourself that you don't need to pretend to be somebody you're not.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: Think about how much of our lives can be influenced by the desire to be accepted.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: It starts pretty early, doesn't it?
3:12
SPEAKER_00: When we're kids, we want to fit in.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: We want other kids to like us.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: We want to be included.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that means wearing what everybody else is wearing, liking what everybody else likes, or pretending we're interested in something because we don't want to be the odd one out.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Then we get a little older and the situations change.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: But the desire to fit in doesn't necessarily disappear.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: Now maybe we're trying to impress people at work, or we're worried about what our neighbors think, or we're comparing our lives to the people we see on social media, and without even realizing it, we can spend an awful lot of time making decisions based on what we think other people are going to think about us.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're sitting at dinner with a group of people and somebody starts talking about a subject they seem to know a great deal about.
4:05
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's nodding along and you really don't know much about it.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: What do you do?
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Do you simply say, you know what?
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't know much about that.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: Tell me more.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: Or do you find yourself nodding along hoping nobody asks you a question?
4:22
SPEAKER_00: I think we've all been there.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: And when you think about it, isn't it funny?
4:26
SPEAKER_00: What's so terrible about not knowing something?
4:29
SPEAKER_00: Nobody knows everything.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes we'd rather pretend we know than admit we don't, because we're worried about how we might look.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: And the funny thing is, the person who's comfortable enough to say, I don't know, often comes across as a whole lot more confident than the person who's trying to convince everybody they know everything.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: Or think about being invited to something you really don't want to do.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've had a long week, you're tired, and all you want to do is stay home and relax.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: But somebody invites you out, and instead of saying, Thank you so much for inviting me, but I'm going to stay home tonight, you start trying to come up with some elaborate excuse.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: You invent a reason, you add a few details to make it sound believable, and then you spend the next hour hoping nobody finds out you weren't actually doing what you said you were doing.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: Now, wouldn't it have been a whole lot easier to just tell the truth?
5:29
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be unkind about it, you don't have to explain your entire life.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: You can simply say, I appreciate the invitation, but I'm going to pass tonight.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: And that's enough.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a courtroom defense every time you make a decision that's right for you.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of people confuse being a good person with making everybody happy.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: And those are two very different things.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: You can be a wonderful, loving, generous, thoughtful person and still have people who disagree with you.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: You can treat somebody with respect and still say no.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: You can care deeply about somebody and still make a decision they wouldn't have made.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's something we all need to become more comfortable with.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Because if your happiness depends on everybody approving of you, you're going to spend an awful lot of your life disappointed.
6:24
SPEAKER_00: There are simply too many people with too many different opinions for you to make everybody happy.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: And even if you could somehow manage to do it today, somebody would probably change their mind tomorrow.
6:37
SPEAKER_00: Let me give you another example.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Imagine somebody who's naturally quiet.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: They enjoy listening to people, they like having meaningful conversations, and they're perfectly happy spending time with a few close friends.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along the way, they begin believing that successful people are supposed to be outgoing, energetic, and the center of attention.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: So whenever they walk into a room, they feel like they need to become this completely different person.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: They force themselves to talk more, they try to be entertaining, and they spend the entire evening worrying about whether they're making a good impression.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: By the time they get home, they're exhausted.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: Now, there's nothing wrong with learning how to communicate more effectively or becoming more comfortable in social situations.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: Those can be wonderful skills to develop.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: But why should somebody have to pretend to enjoy being the center of attention if that's not who they are?
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Some of the most thoughtful, interesting, and influential people are the ones who listen more than they speak.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: And maybe that person's greatest strength was something they were trying to hide.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: And the opposite can be true too.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody is naturally enthusiastic.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: They love people, they get excited about ideas, and they have a wonderful way of bringing energy into a room.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: But they find themselves around people who are more reserved and they begin feeling like they need to tone themselves down.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: They start worrying that they're too much, that they're too enthusiastic, that they should be a little quieter or a little more serious.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: And after a while, they begin hiding the very qualities that make them who they are.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, there are times when we need to read the room and be considerate of other people.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: That's part of getting along in the world.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: But there's a big difference between being considerate and feeling like you have to apologize for your personality.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about the people you enjoy being around the most.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily the most successful people you know, or the most impressive, or the people with the biggest personalities.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: Just the people you genuinely enjoy spending time with.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: What is it about them that makes you feel comfortable?
8:59
SPEAKER_00: I have a feeling that one of the things you'll notice is that you don't feel like they're putting on an act.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: They're not trying to impress you every five minutes.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: They don't seem worried about whether you're going to approve of everything they say.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: They're just themselves.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: And because they're comfortable being themselves, you feel a little more comfortable being yourself around them.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Isn't that a wonderful quality to have?
9:24
SPEAKER_00: To be the kind of person who makes other people feel like they don't have to pretend either?
9:29
SPEAKER_00: I think that's one of the beautiful things about authenticity that we don't talk about enough.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: When you're genuinely comfortable with who you are, you give other people permission to relax a little too.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: They don't feel like they have to compete with you.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: They don't feel like they have to impress you.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: They can simply enjoy being around you.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: And I believe that creates much deeper relationships than anything we could ever build by pretending to be somebody we're not.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Because if somebody likes the person you're pretending to be, what have they really connected with?
10:03
SPEAKER_00: They're connecting with a performance.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: And then you've got to keep performing to maintain the relationship.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: That sounds exhausting to me.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: Imagine two people beginning a friendship.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: One of them loves being outdoors, hiking, spending time in nature, and having quiet evenings at home.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: But the other person loves going out, being around crowds, and having a packed social calendar.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: And because the first person really wants this friendship to work, they pretend to love all those things too.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: Every weekend they're going somewhere they don't really want to go, doing things they don't particularly enjoy, and telling themselves they're having a wonderful time.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: Well, sooner or later, something's going to happen.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Either they're going to become frustrated because they're constantly doing things they don't enjoy, or they're going to have to tell the truth and hope the other person understands.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't it have been so much easier to be honest from the beginning?
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they would have discovered they had other things in common.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they could have enjoyed some activities together and others separately.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they would have realized they weren't particularly compatible.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: And that's okay too.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: Not every relationship is supposed to become a close friendship.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: And I think this applies to romantic relationships as well.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: When two people first meet, there's often a natural desire to make a good impression.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: That's understandable.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: You want somebody to see your good qualities.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: But imagine spending months or years pretending to enjoy things you don't enjoy, hiding opinions you actually have, or acting like a completely different person because you're afraid the other person won't like the real you.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: What happens when you finally become comfortable enough to stop pretending?
11:55
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the other person feels like they're meeting somebody new.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: And I wonder how many relationships could be healthier if people simply gave each other the opportunity to know who they really are from the beginning.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: Not a perfect version, not a carefully edited version, just the real person with their strengths, their quirks, their interests, and all the little things that make them unique.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, one of the areas where I think this becomes especially important is in our work.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: And having spent so much of my life around financial advisors, salespeople, leaders, and people who are trying to build successful careers, I've seen how much pressure there can be to fit a certain image of what success is supposed to look like.
12:43
SPEAKER_00: People can begin believing that they need to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, or have a certain personality to be successful.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: They look at somebody who's doing incredibly well and think, well, if I want to be successful, I need to become more like that person.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: And there's certainly nothing wrong with learning from successful people.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: I think we should learn from people who are getting the results we'd love to achieve.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: But learning from somebody and trying to become somebody are two completely different things.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: Imagine a financial advisor who's naturally thoughtful, patient, and a really good listener.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Clients enjoy talking with this person because they feel heard.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: They feel like somebody genuinely cares about what's important to them.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: But then the advisor attends a sales conference and watches somebody on stage who's incredibly charismatic, speaks a mile a minute, and seems to have an answer for everything.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: And the advisor thinks, that's what I need to become.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: So they go back to work and start trying to talk like that person, sell like that person, and act like that person.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, the conversations don't feel as natural anymore.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: They're thinking about what they're supposed to say instead of actually listening to the person sitting across from them.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: They're so busy trying to be somebody else that they've stopped using the very qualities that made them good at what they do.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, wouldn't it make more sense to learn the skills that successful person was demonstrating and then find a way to use those skills that feels natural to you?
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Because you don't have to become somebody else to become better at what you do.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: You can improve your communication, become more confident, learn new techniques, and develop new abilities while still being completely yourself.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: And I think when people understand that, they begin enjoying their work a whole lot more.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: They're not constantly wondering whether they're performing the right way.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: They're actually connecting with people.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: And whether you're in sales, leadership, coaching, or just about any profession where you work with other human beings, I believe genuine connection is incredibly valuable.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Think about the difference between somebody who's genuinely interested in you and somebody who's trying to impress you.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: You can usually feel it, can't you?
15:11
SPEAKER_00: When somebody is really listening, when they're curious about what matters to you, when they're not simply waiting for their turn to talk, the conversation feels different.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: You relax, you open up a little, you feel like you're having a conversation with another human being instead of being on the receiving end of a presentation.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's one of the reasons authenticity can be such an advantage in business.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: People don't always need you to be the most polished person in the room.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: They want to know whether they can trust you, whether you care, whether the person they're talking to is the same person they're going to be dealing with tomorrow.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: And speaking of trust, I think there's something important about being able to say, I don't know.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: We've all met people who seem to have an answer for absolutely everything.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: You could ask them a question about something they've never studied in their life, and somehow they'll still give you an answer.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I wonder why we feel so uncomfortable admitting that we don't know something.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with saying, that's a great question?
16:19
SPEAKER_00: I don't know the answer, but I'd be happy to find out.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: To me, that's a much more comfortable way to live.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to pretend to know everything.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to pretend to have everything figured out, and you certainly don't have to pretend that everything in your life is perfect.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: That last one is especially important because I think social media has made it very easy for people to feel like everybody else has life figured out.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: You open your phone and you see somebody on a beautiful vacation.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: Somebody else is celebrating a promotion.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: Another person has a gorgeous house, a beautiful family, and what looks like the most incredible life imaginable.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: And if you're not careful, you can start comparing your everyday life with all its normal challenges and frustrations to the highlights of somebody else's life.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, you're wondering why you're not doing better, why you're not happier, or why your life doesn't look more like theirs.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: But think about what you're actually comparing.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: You know everything that's happening in your own life.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: You know the worries you have, the mistakes you've made, the things you're still working on, and the challenges you're dealing with.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: But when you look at somebody else's social media, you're usually seeing the moments they decided to share.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: You're not necessarily seeing their worries, their disagreements, their disappointments, or the things they wish were different.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: And I think we need to remember that before we begin changing ourselves to look more like somebody whose life we don't really know.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: I wonder how many people are working incredibly hard to create a life that looks impressive to everybody else without ever stopping to ask whether it's actually the life they want.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody chooses a career because their family expects it.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody buys things they don't really care about because they want to look successful.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody fills every weekend with activities because they don't want other people to think they're boring.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: And maybe they're doing all of that while quietly wishing they could just slow down and enjoy the things that genuinely matter to them.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: What if you gave yourself permission to want what you actually want?
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Not what somebody else wants for you, not what you think you're supposed to want at your age or at this stage of your career, or because of what the people around you are doing.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: What do you really want?
18:53
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to build an enormous business.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want a quieter life with more time for your family.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: That's wonderful too.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you love being around people all the time.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you enjoy spending time alone.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to travel the world.
19:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you love being home.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: Why should one of those choices automatically be better than the other?
19:17
SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes we forget that we're allowed to have different dreams.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: We're allowed to enjoy different things.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: We're allowed to have different personalities.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: And we're allowed to change our minds as we grow.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: You might have wanted something desperately 10 years ago that doesn't matter nearly as much to you today.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you were wrong back then.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: It may simply mean you've grown, you've learned more about yourself, and your priorities have changed.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: And that brings me to something I think is worth spending a little time on.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: How do you actually know whether you're being authentic?
19:55
SPEAKER_00: Because it's easy to say, just be yourself.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: We've all heard that advice.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: But what does it really mean when you've spent years trying to live up to other people's expectations?
20:06
SPEAKER_00: What if you've become so accustomed to saying what people want to hear that you're not even sure what you think anymore?
20:13
SPEAKER_00: What if you've been doing things a certain way for so long that you've never really stopped to ask whether you enjoy them?
20:20
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think a good place to begin is by paying attention to the moments when you feel most comfortable.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Think about the people you're around when you don't feel like you have to prove anything.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: You can laugh, you can be quiet, you can say something silly, you can admit you're having a difficult day, and you don't worry that somebody's going to think less of you.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: What is it about those relationships that allows you to feel that way?
20:48
SPEAKER_00: And then think about the situations where you feel like you're constantly watching yourself.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: You're choosing every word carefully, you're worrying about how you're coming across, and you're trying to anticipate what other people want from you.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: What's different about those situations?
21:06
SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes we need to be a little more careful about how we communicate.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: That's perfectly normal.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: The way you talk to a close friend might be different from the way you speak during an important business meeting.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't automatically mean you're being inauthentic.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: We all have different roles and responsibilities.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: The question is whether you're still being true to your values and your personality, or whether you're pretending to believe, feel, or want things that simply aren't true for you.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: And I think one of the biggest signs that we might be moving away from our authentic selves is when we start feeling resentful.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're constantly saying yes to things you don't want to do.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're always putting everybody else's preferences ahead of your own.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're working so hard to avoid disappointing people that you're beginning to feel disappointed in yourself.
22:02
SPEAKER_00: And after a while, that can become exhausting.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: Because every time you say yes when you really want to say no, you're making a little promise to somebody else at the expense of something that matters to you.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't believe we should go through life only doing what we feel like doing.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes love means making sacrifices.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes responsibility means showing up when we'd rather stay home.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we do things because they're important to somebody else.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: We care about, even if they wouldn't have been our first choice.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: That's part of being in a relationship, being a parent, being a friend, and being a responsible adult.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between choosing to do something out of love and feeling like you have no choice because you're terrified of disappointing somebody.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: One comes from a decision you're comfortable making, the other comes from fear.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: And wouldn't it be wonderful to get to a place where you could say yes because you genuinely wanted to say yes?
23:04
SPEAKER_00: And say no without feeling like you had to apologize for being who you are.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: You can say, I love you, but I don't agree with you.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: You can say, I appreciate you thinking of me, but that's not something I want to do.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: You can say, I understand why that's important to you, but I see it differently.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: And you can say those things with kindness.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to argue.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to convince somebody you're right.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: You can simply allow two people to be different.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about how much easier relationships could become if we stopped expecting everybody to be exactly like us.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: Your friends don't have to enjoy everything you enjoy.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: Your spouse doesn't have to agree with every opinion you have.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: Your children don't have to grow up wanting the same things you wanted.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: And the people you work with don't have to approach every problem the way you would approach it.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: We can appreciate the differences in people without feeling like we need to change them.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: And hopefully, we can give ourselves that same freedom.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: There's another side to this that I think deserves attention, and that's the relationship we have with ourselves.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the person we're trying hardest to impress isn't somebody else.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the person we think we're supposed to be.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've developed this picture in your mind of what a successful person looks like, what a good parent looks like, what a strong leader looks like, or what somebody your age should have accomplished by now.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: And every time you fall short of that picture, you criticize yourself.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you tell yourself you should be more outgoing, you should be more disciplined, you should have accomplished more by now, you should be further along in your career, you should be better at this or better at that.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: And I think it's worth asking where all those expectations came from.
25:03
SPEAKER_00: Are they really yours?
25:04
SPEAKER_00: Or are some of them ideas you've picked up from other people over the years?
25:09
SPEAKER_00: Now, you know I'm a big believer in personal growth.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: I believe we should always be learning, improving, and becoming more capable.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: But I don't think we need to dislike who we are today in order to become better tomorrow.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: You can be proud of the person you are and still have goals.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: You can accept yourself and still work on your habits.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: You can recognize your strengths and still acknowledge the things you'd like to improve.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: Those ideas aren't in conflict with each other.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think accepting who you are can make personal growth a whole lot more enjoyable.
25:47
SPEAKER_00: Because now you're not trying to fix some version of yourself that you believe isn't good enough.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: You're developing the abilities of somebody you already value.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: You're not saying, I need to become somebody else before I can feel good about myself.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: You're saying, I like who I am, and I'm excited about who I'm becoming.
26:08
SPEAKER_00: And that feels like a much better way to live, doesn't it?
26:12
SPEAKER_00: I think about the idea of self-image.
26:15
SPEAKER_00: Something we've talked about in connection with Maxwell Maltz and his book Psycho Cybernetics.
26:20
SPEAKER_00: Maltz wrote about how the picture we hold of ourselves can influence the way we behave.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: And I think that connects beautifully with authenticity.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: Because if you spend your life believing that who you really are isn't good enough, you're going to keep looking outside yourself for somebody to become.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: You'll keep comparing, you'll keep trying to impress, you'll keep wondering whether you're measuring up.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: But what if you began developing a different picture of yourself?
26:49
SPEAKER_00: What if you started seeing yourself as somebody who's comfortable being honest?
26:54
SPEAKER_00: Somebody who doesn't need everybody's approval, somebody who can be kind without being a people pleaser, and confident without pretending to be perfect.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: What if you began practicing being that person in the little situations you encounter every day?
27:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you start by admitting when you don't know something.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you stop agreeing with people simply to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you begin telling people what you genuinely enjoy instead of pretending to like everything they like.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you finally say no to something you've been saying yes to out of obligation.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you allow yourself to share an opinion that you've been keeping to yourself because you're worried somebody might disagree.
27:39
SPEAKER_00: And I want you to understand something.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to make some enormous announcement that from this day forward you're going to be a completely different person.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: In fact, that would be a little ironic, wouldn't it?
27:52
SPEAKER_00: We're talking about being yourself, not creating another performance.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: You can begin with small, honest decisions.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: And as you become more comfortable making those decisions, you may find that being yourself begins feeling more natural.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: Now, some people might not like every change you make, and I think we need to be prepared for that.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: If somebody has become accustomed to you always agreeing with them, they might be surprised when you begin expressing your own opinion.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: If somebody is used to you saying yes to every request, they might not be thrilled the first time you say no.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't necessarily mean you've done anything wrong.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: It may simply mean the relationship is adjusting to a more honest version of you.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: Of course, it's worth listening when somebody we care about tells us that something we've done has hurt them.
28:45
SPEAKER_00: Being authentic doesn't mean we're automatically right about everything.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we need to apologize.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we need to change a behavior.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes somebody else sees something in us that we haven't recognized yet.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: And being comfortable with yourself should make it easier to listen to that feedback, not harder.
29:06
SPEAKER_00: Because you don't have to defend every mistake as though admitting you're wrong somehow makes you less valuable.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: I actually think there's something very freeing about being able to say, you know what, I was wrong about that, or I shouldn't have handled it that way, or I hadn't thought about it from your perspective.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: Those are honest things to say.
29:28
SPEAKER_00: And when you don't need to protect some perfect image of yourself, you can say them without feeling like your entire identity is being threatened.
29:37
SPEAKER_00: And speaking of perfection, I think one of the reasons people struggle to be authentic is because they're afraid of being seen as imperfect.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: They want people to believe they've got everything under control.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: They don't want anybody to know they're nervous, uncertain, or struggling with something.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: So they put on a brave face and pretend everything's wonderful, even when it isn't.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: Now, there are times when we need to be strong for the people who depend on us.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: And we don't need to share every private concern with everybody we meet.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: But I do think it's important to have people in our lives with whom we can be honest.
30:16
SPEAKER_00: People we can call and say, you know what, I'm having a tough day.
30:21
SPEAKER_00: People who don't expect us to have all the answers.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: People who love us even when we're not at our best.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: And if you've got people like that in your life, I hope you appreciate them.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: Because those relationships are incredibly valuable.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: They're the places where we can take off the mask, relax, and just be human.
30:42
SPEAKER_00: I want to ask you something.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever met somebody who seemed almost too perfect?
30:48
SPEAKER_00: Everything they said sounded rehearsed.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: Every story somehow made them look wonderful.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: They never seemed to make mistakes, never admitted they were wrong, and always appeared to have everything figured out.
31:01
SPEAKER_00: How comfortable did you feel around that person?
31:04
SPEAKER_00: Now compare that with somebody who can laugh at themselves.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: Somebody who can tell you about a mistake they made without being embarrassed, somebody who doesn't mind admitting they're still learning.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: Somebody who doesn't have to be the smartest or most impressive person in the room.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: Which person would you rather spend time with?
31:25
SPEAKER_00: I know which one I'd choose.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: Because I think people connect with people, not performances.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the very things we're trying to hide are the things that make us relatable, our little quirks, the things we're still learning, the experiences that didn't go quite the way we planned.
31:44
SPEAKER_00: Those things remind other people that we're human, just like they are.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something wonderful about getting to a place in life where you can laugh at yourself a little.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to take every little thing so seriously.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be embarrassed because you said something awkward or made a mistake.
32:04
SPEAKER_00: You can simply smile, acknowledge it, and move on.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: Life becomes a whole lot more enjoyable when you stop feeling like every interaction is some kind of test you need to pass.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to bring something else into this conversation because I think it connects with a lot of what we've been discussing on this podcast.
32:24
SPEAKER_00: We've talked about gratitude, giving, faith, the power of our thoughts, and the importance of the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: And I think authenticity belongs right alongside those ideas.
32:38
SPEAKER_00: When you're genuinely grateful for who you are, you spend less time wishing you were somebody else.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: You can appreciate your own personality, your own talents, your own experiences, and the things that make you different.
32:52
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean you think you're better than anybody else.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: It simply means you recognize that you have something worthwhile to contribute.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: And when you stop spending so much energy trying to impress people, you have more energy available to actually care about them.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: You're not constantly thinking, how am I coming across?
33:12
SPEAKER_00: Do they like me?
33:13
SPEAKER_00: Am I saying the right thing?
33:15
SPEAKER_00: You can become more interested in the person sitting across from you.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: You can listen, you can ask questions, you can enjoy the conversation instead of constantly evaluating your own performance.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: I think that's one of the reasons authentic people can have such a positive influence on others.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: They make people feel comfortable.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: They don't create this atmosphere where everybody has to compete or prove something.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: They're simply present.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's exactly what another person needs.
33:47
SPEAKER_00: You know, when I think about God and the idea that each of us has been given our own gifts, our own personality, and our own opportunities, I find it difficult to believe that we're all supposed to spend our lives trying to become copies of somebody else.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: I believe we're each here with something valuable to contribute.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: And while I certainly don't pretend to know God's plan for every one of us, I do believe there's something meaningful about appreciating the person we've been given the opportunity to become.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe your greatest gift is your ability to make people laugh.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your patience.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the way you listen.
34:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're incredibly creative.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're somebody who brings calm into difficult situations.
34:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have a wonderful ability to encourage people when they're struggling.
34:38
SPEAKER_00: Whatever those qualities are, why would you want to spend your life hiding them because you're worried somebody might prefer a different version of you?
34:46
SPEAKER_00: And I want to be careful here because I don't want you to think I'm suggesting that being authentic means you should never change.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: I actually believe the opposite.
34:56
SPEAKER_00: I think the more comfortable you become with who you really are, the more willing you can be to grow.
35:03
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to defend every habit or cling to every opinion.
35:07
SPEAKER_00: You can learn something new and change your mind.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: You can develop skills you didn't have before.
35:14
SPEAKER_00: You can become more confident, more patient, more disciplined, and more capable.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: And through all of that, you can still be yourself.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: Think about a tree for a moment.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: As it grows, it becomes taller, stronger, and develops new branches.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: It changes with the seasons.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't need to become a completely different kind of tree in order to grow.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: And I think there's a nice lesson in that.
35:41
SPEAKER_00: We can grow into a stronger, wiser, more capable version of ourselves without pretending to be somebody we're not.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's a better way to think about personal development.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, who do I need to become so that other people will approve of me?
35:59
SPEAKER_00: Maybe we could ask, how can I become the best version of the person I already am?
36:06
SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different questions.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: One starts with the belief that we're not good enough as we are.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: The other starts with the understanding that we already have value and we want to make the most of it.
36:20
SPEAKER_00: And I think the second question leads to a much happier way of living.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'd love for you to try something over the next few days.
36:29
SPEAKER_00: Nothing complicated.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: Just begin paying attention to the little moments when you feel yourself wanting to put on an act.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're about to agree with somebody even though you don't agree.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're about to say yes to something you really don't want to do.
36:47
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're tempted to exaggerate a story because you think it'll make you sound more impressive.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're about to pretend you know something that you really don't know.
36:58
SPEAKER_00: When you notice one of those moments, just ask yourself, what would I do right now if I wasn't worried about what this person thought of me?
37:07
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to say the first thing that comes into your mind.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to create an uncomfortable situation just to prove that you're being authentic.
37:17
SPEAKER_00: But take a moment and think about what an honest, kind, comfortable response would look like.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's saying, you know, I see that a little differently.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's saying, I'm not really interested in that, but I appreciate you asking.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's saying, I don't know much about that.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: Tell me more.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's simply allowing yourself to relax and stop trying so hard to make a particular impression.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: And I'd also love for you to spend a little time thinking about what you genuinely enjoy.
37:51
SPEAKER_00: What kinds of people do you love spending time with?
37:54
SPEAKER_00: What activities make you happy?
37:57
SPEAKER_00: What do you value most?
37:59
SPEAKER_00: What would you love to do more of if you weren't worried about what anybody else thought?
38:04
SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of your answers will surprise you.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'll realize that you've been doing certain things for years simply because you've always done them.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you'll recognize that there are parts of your personality you've been holding back because you thought they weren't what other people wanted to see.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: And if that's the case, perhaps it's time to give yourself permission to bring a little more of the real you into your everyday life.
38:32
SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't want you to feel like you need to become perfectly authentic overnight.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: That's not the point.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: Most of us have spent years learning how to fit in, how to meet expectations, and how to avoid disappointing people.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Those habits don't necessarily disappear just because we listen to a podcast, but we can begin noticing them.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: And we can begin making different choices, one conversation at a time.
38:59
SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something pretty exciting about that.
39:03
SPEAKER_00: Because the more you practice being comfortable with yourself, the less energy you need to spend pretending.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: You can walk into a room without feeling like you need to become the most impressive person there.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: You can meet somebody new without worrying about whether they're going to like every little thing about you.
39:22
SPEAKER_00: You can have a conversation without rehearsing every sentence in your mind.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: And you can begin building relationships with people who genuinely appreciate who you are.
39:33
SPEAKER_00: And wouldn't that be a wonderful way to live?
39:37
SPEAKER_00: Imagine being able to go through your day knowing that you don't have to impress everybody.
39:42
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to agree with everybody.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be the funniest, smartest, most successful, or most interesting person in every room.
39:51
SPEAKER_00: You can simply show up, be kind, be interested in other people, do your best, and be yourself.
39:59
SPEAKER_00: Some people are going to love being around you.
40:02
SPEAKER_00: Some people might not connect with you quite as much.
40:05
SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: You're not going to be everybody's favorite person.
40:10
SPEAKER_00: And everybody isn't going to be yours.
40:12
SPEAKER_00: That's part of life.
40:14
SPEAKER_00: But the people who genuinely connect with you will be connecting with the real you.
40:19
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's worth far more than having a hundred people admire a version of yourself that you've had to work incredibly hard to maintain.
40:29
SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with something to think about.
40:32
SPEAKER_00: Imagine looking back on your life years from now.
40:35
SPEAKER_00: Think about all the time you've spent worrying about what other people thought of you, all the conversations where you held back what you really wanted to say, all the things you did because you thought you were supposed to do them.
40:49
SPEAKER_00: All the times you tried to be a little more like somebody else because you believed that would make you more successful, more interesting, or more accepted.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't it be a shame to look back and realize that you spent so much of your life trying to be somebody other than yourself?
41:06
SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is, you only get to live your life.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: You don't get to live somebody else's.
41:12
SPEAKER_00: And I think you owe it to yourself to make it a life that actually feels like yours.
41:18
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean everything is going to be easy.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean everybody is going to approve of your decisions.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean you won't make mistakes along the way.
41:29
SPEAKER_00: Of course you will.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: We all do.
41:32
SPEAKER_00: But wouldn't you rather make a few mistakes while living a life that's true to you than spend your life doing everything you think other people expect and still feel like something is missing?
41:44
SPEAKER_00: I think about how much freedom there is in simply being able to say, This is who I am.
41:50
SPEAKER_00: These are the things I care about, these are the things I enjoy.
41:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm still learning, I'm still growing, and I'm certainly not perfect.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: But I'm comfortable being me.
42:01
SPEAKER_00: And if there's one thing I hope you take away from our conversation today, it's that you don't need to become somebody else to be worthy of love, friendship, respect, or success.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: You can become better at what you do.
42:16
SPEAKER_00: You can improve your habits, you can learn from people you admire.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: You can set enormous goals and work toward becoming the very best version of yourself.
42:28
SPEAKER_00: But through all of that, you can still be you.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's one of the greatest accomplishments we can ever achieve.
42:36
SPEAKER_00: Not becoming somebody the world tells us we should be, but becoming comfortable enough with ourselves that we no longer feel the need to pretend.
42:45
SPEAKER_00: So the next time you find yourself worrying about whether somebody likes you, whether you're making the right impression, or whether you should act a little differently to fit in, I'd love for you to remember something.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be everybody's cup of tea.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: You just have to be comfortable being yourself.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: And the people who truly appreciate you will appreciate you for who you are, not for who you've been pretending to be.
43:13
SPEAKER_00: So be kind, be honest, keep learning, keep growing, and don't be afraid to let people see the real you.
43:23
SPEAKER_00: Because I believe the world doesn't need another copy of somebody who's already here.
43:29
SPEAKER_00: It needs the very best version of you.
43:32
SPEAKER_00: And wouldn't it be wonderful to go through life knowing that the person you show the world is the same person you feel good about being when nobody else is watching?
43:42
SPEAKER_00: That's what I hope for you.
43:44
SPEAKER_00: And that's what I hope you'll begin giving yourself permission to experience a little more of, starting today.