Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Marrying an Older Divorced Lady... (56 Minutes of David Crowe) 😂😂😂

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Marrying an Older Divorced Lady... (56 Minutes of David Crowe) 😂😂😂 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: But she was so smart and so funny.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to ask you this forever.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: You like Billy?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_12: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_12: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_12: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_12: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: The bottle swung across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to ask you this forever.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like Billy?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to ask you this forever.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like Billy?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Nate Rocky.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_06: A house, actually, is what they bring.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_06: That's true.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_06: It's a nice one, too.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_06: I sent her first husband a thank you card.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_06: I was pretty thrilled with the That kitchen remodel.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_06: Is awesome, dude.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_06: She doesn't accept these weird games, too.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know where she comes up with them, but like I don't know where once over lunch, she goes, I think we should each pick a fantasy lover.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_06: And if we ever meet them, we get to sleep with them and it's not cheating.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_06: What?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_06: She chose Antonio Banderas.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_06: Whatever.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_06: I chose our neighbor.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: Kind of the guy move.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: Shoot for the moon, honey.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm taking the guaranteed real estate right over here.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_06: She's a vegetarian too.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_06: Anybody here?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_06: Vegetarian?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_06: You are?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_06: How long?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_06: She's so quiet, she can barely talk.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_05: I'm about 20.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my god.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_05: I feel weak.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_05: I need a taxi.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_06: Twenty years, that's good.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_06: Moral reasons or yeah.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_06: Some people don't like to see cute things die.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_06: Moral.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_06: She does it for moral.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not a vegetarian.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_06: I think no matter what you eat, you gotta kill.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_06: And you just kill stuff that can't run away.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, what the what chance does lettuce have?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_06: It's a little head on the soil.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_15: Hey man.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_15: Ouch!
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_06: Carrots don't even see it coming.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_06: At least cows have an option.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_17: Let's move, let's get up, let's go!
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_06: She does eat seafood, not hamburgers, that's bad, but oyster burgers and clam fritters are fine, which I know a fancy name for with bread, is all that is.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_06: We took our honeymoon to Wyoming, which I know, kind of a bad place to go if you're a vegetarian.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_06: That's all I'm saying.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_06: Beef is a religion there.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_06: You go to Catholic Mass, you don't get a wafer, you get a cube steak, is what you get.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_06: The body of Christ.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_06: Whoa! You'd think they'd be running out by now.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_06: Selling that on eBay.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_06: I'm serious.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_06: There was a sign on the border that said, Welcome to Wyoming, eat beef.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_06: Some rancher had it.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_06: Cows grazing all around it.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_06: Wonder what that sign says.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_06: Any other state, we would have been fine, you know.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_06: Welcome to Idaho, eat potatoes.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_06: Welcome to Wisconsin, eat cheese.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_06: Welcome to New York, eat this.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_06: Welcome to Oregon, the beaver state.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_06: So what we're talking about.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_06: I know, it is.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_06: Kind of explains that Oregon trail movement in the 1840s, doesn't it?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_06: Got a secret?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_06: Tell you when we get there.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_17: Woo!
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_06: Also explains why all the Mormons stopped in Utah.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_06: You have eight wives.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_06: You go on ahead, I'm not that hungry.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_06: I'll stay over here.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_06: We were not there to go hiking.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_06: Found out that we hiked for totally different reasons, which I think is a gender thing.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_06: She'd get to the top of the mountain and take a picture every time.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_15: It's like so gorgeous.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_06: And I didn't care what the view was.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_06: Every time I hit the peak, my first instinct take a pee.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_06: I think it's a every guy in this room is peed from a high place.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_06: You can't deny that.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_04: Because it makes you feel so big, doesn't it?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_04: It's like my pee falls 3,000 feet before it hits the ground.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_04: Eagles fly beneath my pee.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_04: I'm laser man.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_04: Burning through the earth.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_04: Give me some coarse light, I'll cut this tree down.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_04: And then we're very focused peeing in the woods.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_04: I don't worry about a pee on that rock right there that's my rock.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: I own it.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_04: I moved it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: I'm excavating.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, check it out a beetle.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_04: Run, you little bastard room.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_06: Women, totally different.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_06: You ever seen women tinkle in the woods?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_06: You always have this far away look.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: What are you all thinking about it?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: I would love to know.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, damn it, shoot.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_06: I know it's dangerous for women too, because you're down there, you get one of those little tinkle shivers.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_06: It's gross.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: Not the real outdoorsy types, though.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_06: There's REI mountain babes, they got their own technique.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_06: It's like want some toilet paper, Sandy?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_06: No, I'll just walk through these little bushes right over here.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe straddle this mossy log.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: I've got a little taken care of.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: I don't want to get into how I know any of this, by the way.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_06: That's gonna that is another story.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_06: If I could have changed one thing, though, before we got married, I and I recommend this to other couples.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_06: Before you get married, have the woman sleep with another woman.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_06: Well, for me it's far more practical.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_06: I just figure that way she'll understand how difficult it can sometimes be to physically satisfy another woman.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_06: She'll cut you some slack when you're not doing the job right.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_06: Because women have it easy.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_06: Sleeping with men is the easiest job on the planet, that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_06: Really, who can't figure out how a guy works?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_06: We're wired like Fisher Price children's toys.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_06: You know, one leave earth, a man goes, I most high school girls get it right the very first try.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I wonder how this works.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_06: Well, okay, I guess that's how.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_06: Women are all wired like Boeing 747s.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_06: Walk on board, there's a million buttons.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_18: Only one of them turns the plane on.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_06: Sometimes you find the button, everything works, come back the next day.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_06: Same airplane.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_06: The button is moved or something.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_06: I've learned when you're married, sometimes you gotta press it a week before you want to fly.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_06: What the hell?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_06: But this is why older women are great, because older women have a user's manual, all right?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_06: They do.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_06: And if you're doing it wrong, they read it to you.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_06: Right there on the spot.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_06: My wife's in her late 40s, she's like a general in the army half the time.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_06: All right, listen up, soldier.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_06: Today we're gonna start here in the mountains.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_06: Do some recon.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_06: Take your time.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_06: It's very important.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_06: Now, when you're ready, I want you to slip down between those mountains, head south across the flat plain, stretching out ahead.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_05: Hopefully it's flat.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_05: If it's not, cross anyway, goddammit.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_05: That's the battle in the bulge.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_06: We'll get to that later.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_06: Now, do some recon in Hamterland, circle around, secure the west side.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_06: Now, at this point, go back to headquarters.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_05: Let them know you care.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_05: You cut off communication with headquarters, you're in trouble, I'll tell you that right now.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_05: You'll be in this battle all alone.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_06: I feel I'm revealing too much.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_06: Actually, you know, guys, we're not perfect either.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, our wiring, sometimes when a guy's having sex, what he thinks he's doing and what's actually happening are two pretty different things.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_06: And it's not our fault.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_06: Because we have a billion nerves in our body, all but about eight of them right there.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_06: Any guy will tell you, it amplifies the experience.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_06: Your brain thinks you're going.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_06: Who's your father, Luke?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: I'm your father.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_12: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_12: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Holy shit The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to ask you this forever.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like Billy?
• 11:29
  unknown: Nate.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_12: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_12: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_06: When I was a kid, I was in a band.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, I was in a band.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_06: No one gets paid to do.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_06: Like the Olympics.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_06: I just find there's a level of commitment that professional paid athletes don't have.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_06: Like the hammer throw.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_06: There's no endorsement dealer waiting for this guy.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_06: He works out for his whole life to get basically look like a meatball with a head.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_06: What do you do?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_06: I throw the hammer.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_06: Really, how often?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_06: Once every four years! But he's got passion, doesn't he?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, you ever watch the hammer throw?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_06: You can tell by when he throws it, he doesn't just chuck it, he goes.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_06: Because that's his throw, man.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_06: It's like a nerd having sex.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_06: He gets his shot.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_06: I'm amazed how good we do at the Olympics, too, when they don't even let us play our best sports, do they?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_06: Like football?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_06: We don't get to play that.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_06: We don't.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_06: Because it wouldn't be fair, really.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_06: Can you imagine Korea versus the US in football?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_06: And Korea kicks off, and the Americans score.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_06: And uh four Koreans are dead.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_06: Bowling?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_06: There's no Olympic bowling.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_06: We would rule.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_06: We would rule.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_06: Not necessarily people from Washington, but uh somebody from Iowa would probably take the gold.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_06: I picked the Midwest because I heard bowling on the radio out there once.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_06: I just think I just think that's a level of bowling fanaticism that we don't have on the West Coast.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_06: Because it's not good radio.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_06: Can I can I be honest with you?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_06: It's not.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_06: Here's pretty much what I listen to for half an hour.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_06: And Fred Beckler lines up to throw his fifth frame.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_06: Just a bit outside.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_06: We'll be waiting for that ball to return now.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_06: I should mention Fred is wearing Hager adjustable fit slacks, the official slack of the bowler's tour.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_06: Still waiting on that ball here, anyway.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_06: Well, there it is.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_06: No, that's not his.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_06: Should mention Fred's the only black bowler in the tournament today.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_06: Sport not real popular with our African American athletes yet.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_06: Fred got started young because he kind of liked watching the large black ball just knock over all the skinny white redneck pins.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_06: I think we could improve the Olympics by putting see, you can't tell how good they are anymore, because everybody's good, right?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_06: You see 10 guys run a sprint and one guy wins, we go, that guy's fast.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_06: Then a guy gets 10th.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_06: 10th fastest guy on the planet.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_06: We're at home going, loser.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_18: Going faster, Mr.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_18: Guy.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_06: That's why I think every sport should have a prospective athlete, so you can tell how good the athletes really are.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_06: Like in track, you'd have a pink lane going around the track, right?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_06: Right before the race, you just grab some random yayhoo from the audience.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_06: Come on down here, sir.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_06: You're gonna run in the pink lane today, representing the rest of humanity.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_06: That way our viewers at home can see how fast these other freaks of nature really are.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_06: Gymnastics would be hilarious with the pink, pink guy on the rings.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_06: And the sport that really should be in the Olympics, bull riding.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, I don't know why.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I know.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_06: That's that's gotta be the toughest sport on the planet.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_06: It's the only one you watch for not even for a second, do you say to yourself?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_06: I might try that someday.
• 16:21
  unknown: Right?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_06: No, I'm not hopping on a 3,000-pound cow, so mad he's pooping himself.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_04: They're not normal bulls, they're not like Eatum Claw bulls, they're like these big steroided up East German women bulls, just over Lugas Nixon!
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_06: Cowboys just go, he's ready, get on him.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know who invented bull riding.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_06: I think they were drunk when they came up with the idea.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_06: Can we be honest about this?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_06: The dead giveaway is that rodeo clown.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_06: The whole idea that you gotta dress like a clown to distract the bull.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_06: That's drunk thinking if I've ever heard it.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_06: I just picture some Texan stumbling out of a bar years ago.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_06: You know that big angry bull out back?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_06: I got an idea.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna ride that song, bitch.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_10: Alright, if I fall off, y'all better save my ass.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_10: You gotta dress like a clown.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_10: If you look like a cowboy, he'll see you coming.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_10: If you dress like a clown, he'll go, whoo ago, circus.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_06: And they only stay on for eight seconds, which maybe that's why people don't think it's hard, because eight seconds doesn't seem long, and it's not when you're in a chair.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_06: But I swear if you watch bull riding, every second gets longer for the poor bastard.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_06: It's like some sort of weird time warp.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_08: He's out there going one thousand one, one thousand two ring the bell.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_06: I appreciate that, but I'm not even on a bowl, I'm just jumping around.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_06: Can you imagine?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_06: Say put it in the Olympics.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_04: Would add perspective to some of those other sports, like the one with the ribbon.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_09: I'm an athlete.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_06: Shut up.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_06: Bring the girl with the put her on the bowl.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_06: That's what we need to do.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_17: Oh my god!
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_06: I think she lost her rhythm there, Dick.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_06: There's the dismount.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_06: Let's see how the judges score that.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_06: Zero.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_06: Gotta stay on longer, Nadia.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_06: The best part would be watching the other countries try it, because you know, they'd have no clue.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_06: Some guy from Spain would show up with sparkly pants, little cape and a hat.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_04: Oh no, Paco, you gotta get on him.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_04: You can't just jump out of the way and say you're done.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_04: Hell, we got a clown that can do that.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_06: I know he's angry.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_06: You wait till he hike his nuts up a little bit.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_06: Some poor guy from India.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_06: Oh no! Oh my god! The second one is angry today.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_06: My favorite would be the Mexicans.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_06: Bullright.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, but can we cut the legs and chop it down a little bit?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_06: He's riding too high, Horns.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_06: The only country that wouldn't flinch would be the Australians, I think.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_06: You know, because the Aussies they have that attitude, they'll try anything.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_06: They don't show up.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_06: We'll have to get a hike as Jimmy's up.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_06: You better hike mine up too.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_06: If he can take it, I can take it.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_06: This is Australian rules, we're riding now.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_06: I'll ride him for eight seconds.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_06: He rides me for nine.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_06: It was Asian studies.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_06: Well, what?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_06: Shut up.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_06: That'd be a good idea to learn about the neighbors across the pond.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_06: I quit I did it for a quarter and then quit, because check this out.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_06: I go to my Asian studies class.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_06: Over half the people in the class were Asian.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_06: That is bullshit.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I didn't go to Beijing University and take Caucasian studies.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_06: Hey class, how are you doing?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_06: What's that smell?
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_06: I think it's an A.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_06: That's what that smell is.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_06: Put this man right here.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't mean to intimidate you, but boom.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_06: So I quit, became an engineering major, and did that for a quarter, and then quit that, because check I go to my engineering class, over half the people in the class were Asian.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_06: That is bullshit.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_06: Because they're smart and they study.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_06: Been to Asia a couple of times.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_06: I must say, uh, as a culture, they've been around a long time.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_06: But they're a little cocky because of that.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_06: I won't lie to you.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_06: Like China.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_06: Apparently, China invented feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of placing objects in your environment for positive energy flow and harmony.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_06: Now I've been to China, and I'm here to tell you.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_06: Feng shui may work, but apparently the ancient Chinese art of feng shui hasn't really caught on yet in China.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_06: Let's take the garbage and put it in the river.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_07: Yes! The flow, the qi, the peace.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_07: You've been to a Chinese market?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_06: Even one in America, it's the most chaotic place we'll ever go.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_06: A car bomb would organize the place.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_06: Have you been?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_05: It's like here we'll have flowers, and right next to it, a slaughtered pig.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_05: Yes! And some Adidas for sale.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_05: And a live cat.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_05: And a calendar from two years ago.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_06: What?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_06: The DJ at a classical music station.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_06: That's a sweet gig.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_06: Here's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_06: I'll be back in an hour and a half.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_06: Thursday, we're doing triple shots of Mahler.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_06: So I don't need to be here.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_06: I think toughest jobs on the planet, customer service jobs.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I know.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_06: I was gonna say there's always a few who agree.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_06: It is.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_06: It doesn't have to be, but the customer is always right.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_06: Or so they have been led to believe.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_06: When they're not.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_06: Customers are always bitchy.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_06: Customers get bitchy in the travel business, that's for sure.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_06: I've seen it, I've seen it so many times.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_06: I was sitting on an airplane once and they they made this little announcement.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_06: Our flight's gonna be delayed because we have a mechanical problem.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_06: Uh, we're not gonna do it, we'll keep you posted, shouldn't be long.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_06: This woman next to me goes, God damn it.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_08: What?
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_06: Think about what she's saying.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_06: God damn it.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_06: I hate it when they find the problems before the plane takes off.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_07: Why can't they find it later when we're running out of all night?
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_06: She pointed at the pilot.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_06: So then this guy comes on.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_06: He's late, by the way.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_06: He made the connection because the flight was delayed, and he's all huffy and puffy looking for a pillow.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_06: Can't find one.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_06: Gets all pissed off.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_06: Where's my pillow?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_06: You better find me a pillow, or I will have I will get your name and write a letter to the Andes that thing that they like he's our leader or something, turns to the rest of us.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_06: Suddenly he's miming in the 20s.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_06: We're all sitting there with our pillows.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_06: So where did the letter thing come from?
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_06: Writing a letter about a pillow?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_06: How emasculating is that?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_06: You know what?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_06: Lewis and Clark crossed the country twice, took three years.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_06: They kept a journal.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_04: Nowhere is there a complaint like, dear President Jefferson.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_04: This tour you sent us on is bullshit.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_04: The river always flows the wrong direction.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_04: Our food runs away.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_04: Our tour guide is pregnant, for heaven's sake.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't get a pillow and my neck hurts.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_06: I'm just saying, you complain too much.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_06: You force customer service people to lie to you.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_06: Which is, you know, like, yeah, if I was the pilot on an airplane, I'd just make stuff up to make people glad we weren't leaving, you know?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_06: Folks, we just realized the wing is not bolted on.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_08: Some guy in the plane, oh bolted on, I know how to fix the wing.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_08: Or maybe something they can relate to, you know.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_06: Uh, folks, we just found a puppy in the engine.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_08: A six-week-old golden retriever puppy.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_08: And we can leave on time, but you know, as soon as we fire up that GE, that puppy will fly out the back at 800 miles an hour, hit the terminal like a paint pellet.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_06: Or we could take a few minutes and get them out.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_06: You know, some kind of big engineering suit, go up there, pretend to pull a puppy out.
• 27:11
  unknown: The puppy.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_06: Everybody on the plane to be writing letters.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_03: This is the best airline we've ever flown on.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: No puppies were killed.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_06: Worst job in the world is the lost luggage guy.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_06: That job.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_06: Because that's one of those customer service jobs you don't get to start your job until someone gets really pissed off.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_04: I've seen people snap like Hitler on D-Day, my luggage is off a Newton putting back and luggage lost and off in spec expensive.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_06: That's why I think customer service people should have a setup, not like a desk, but like the wizard of oz.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_06: So they can fight back to the angry people who deserve it.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_06: You know, like where's the lost luggage person?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_06: I need to find my luggage right through that door.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_06: All right, excuse me.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_04: Excuse me.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_04: Speak when you're spoken to.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_17: Your insolence has become tiresome.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_07: Yes.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_07: Um, I think my luggage was lost.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_07: It was not lost.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_05: You don't deserve it yet.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_05: Now go apologize to that boy at Taco Bell, you were such a dick to.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_05: And you shall get your bag.
• 28:47
  unknown: Okay.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not making that up.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_06: Not a good one, obviously, because he got married.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_06: Whoops.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_06: That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_06: Think about it.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_06: Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_06: Are you serious?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_06: You did that.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_06: Oh.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_06: If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_06: We'd never really thought of that.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_06: What were you wearing when you did that?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_06: I went to Sunday school.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_06: It's never very good at the Sunday school.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_06: I always had that what if voice going on in my head, but what if, what if, but what if?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_06: You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_06: What if he was really sarcastic?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_06: I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it'll be the meek.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_06: That's who will do it.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_06: No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_06: It was amazing.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_06: I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_06: All that extra paraphernalia people say, it's all ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of, it's unnecessary.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_06: But I don't know.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_06: I like it.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_06: Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_06: That big funeral which went on forever?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_06: All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_06: All these little boys choirs going, ah, I'm not gonna go.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_06: But I don't know, I like the ritual.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_06: It gives me soulless.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_06: For some reason, I have no idea why.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_06: I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_06: Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_06: It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_06: Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll, big stadiums of people.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_07: The good versus evil theme always being played out.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_07: I'll join a mother controlly.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_08: Finish them off.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_06: The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_06: You have to admit that.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_06: Like Pat Robertson.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_06: Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_06: Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_14: This is God the Father.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_14: Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_14: It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_14: So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_14: I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_14: I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_06: And uh, when it regards to uh defense and the war and everything else, is the people who are the most fervent about defending the borders of America.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_06: We're always in the last place anybody would ever invade.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_07: It's always some guy in the middle of Nebraska, we gotta get those out of the bitches before they come here and take my hand.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_07: My cow, way over there!
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_06: And you go to the coast, and it's like, why don't we all just get along?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_06: Why don't we?
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_06: I don't understand how I don't understand how the economics work, frankly, because it's just bizarre.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_06: Like every time we declare war or have a conflict anywhere, Congress passes an emergency funding bill.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_06: Does that bother anybody?
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_06: Don't we give the Pentagon like billions of dollars every year?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_06: Don't they save any of that to have a war for heaven's sake?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_06: I save money for shit, I don't expect to happen.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_06: This is weird that Congress declares a war and the Pentagon goes, what?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_06: Really?
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_06: Right now.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, everybody, Annie up for gas.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_06: Annie up.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_06: No, we gotta use it for real.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe we should start sponsoring the weapons.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_06: It seems to work for everything else that gets funding these days.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_06: This missile brought to you by Timex.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_06: When it stops ticking, you'll get a licking.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_06: This one brought to you by Doritos.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_06: Don't worry, we'll make more.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_06: Woo! I read this Iraq thing's gonna cost about 300 billion.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_06: Just that.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_06: 300 billion, but there's 300 million Americans.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_06: That's a thousand dollars each.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_06: I don't remember him pitching it to us like that.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_06: We don't want to go there and remove an evil tyrant from leadership and search for weapons of mass destruction.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_06: It's just gonna be$1,000 each.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_06: That's all, family of four, mere four grand, mere four grand.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_06: Just get out your checks.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_06: As soon as we get your checks, we will haul ass.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_06: They get like three checks, all from Nebraska.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_15: Let's get those sons of bitches.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_06: Everybody on the coast, I was gonna buy a jacket.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_06: New jacket.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_06: There would be no wars if you designed all the new weapons after cool Hollywood movies, because no one's gonna fight.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_06: No one right?
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_06: They wouldn't even have to work.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_06: Don't send tanks in, send velociraptors or something cool like that.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_06: Troop carrier door opens.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: The enemy standing there.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: This is bullshit.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: I saw the film, don't move.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't understand why we're always bragging about the British being our ally.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_04: Well, the British are in with us.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_04: The British are gonna be there too.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_04: The British, the British.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_06: I don't think the British Army is very good.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_06: As far as I can tell, all the brave citizens of that country don't join the Army.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_06: They all join the BBC and come become some kind of roving field reporter.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know where they find these news commando freaks of nature.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_06: But that is exciting news.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_06: And turn on the BBC.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_06: It's never they're not embedded with troops.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_06: They're always standing where the bombs are actually about to land.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_06: You know, some skimmy brit out there.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_06: This is Battle Mortimer Stove supporting live for the BBC.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_06: I am standing here in front of an enemy ammunition facility.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_06: Notice on the side of the building a small red dot.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_05: This is part of a laser-guided missile system, which the Americans use to deliver a weapon with a pinpoint accuracy.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_05: If I was standing here, it would literally hit me in the chest.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_05: Which is why I've chosen to stand here.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_06: They never quit either.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_07: The missile comes in and it's like, shh, whoa, we've just been hit.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_07: Super, brilliant.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_07: I can tell you it's gotten very hot where I am right now.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_06: I'm in some kind of giant crater out of which I will crawl the moment I find my leg.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, here it is, right.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_06: That's not mine, oh yeah.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_06: If you see a red dot, I recommend running like a son of a bitch.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_06: This is rather awkward.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_06: Back to you, Heathcliff.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_06: Thank you, Batley.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_06: Now here's Jane with the weather.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_06: My dad was in uh the uh Air Force, actually.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_06: I asked him once why I joined the Air Force and not the Army.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_06: You know?
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_06: You know what he said?
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_06: He goes, Well, as far as I could tell, guys in the Army like to fight.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_06: Guys in the Air Force just like to win.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_06: And that is so true.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_06: It's so true.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_06: Especially when you talk to the young guys, the Army guys, they know all these moves.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_06: I could poke you there, flick you, blow on you.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_06: You'd die Tuesday, you wouldn't even know what happened.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_03: Air Force is more like, there's the enemy.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_06: All right, I think we won.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_06: He wasn't in the US Air Force, though, he was in the Canadian Air Force, so I know.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_07: Not really the Air Force.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_06: It's more like the air suggest.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_06: He drove a Cessna, dropped ice cold kokiny.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_06: Different, you know.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_06: Clear out of this area, ice cold kokie over there.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_06: Does it rain there a lot?
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_06: Is that true?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_06: I heard it does.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_06: Is that true?
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_06: How do you stand it?
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_06: I would be depressed.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_06: Are you depressed?
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_06: I would be.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_06: Is it raining there now?
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_06: Is that why you're here?
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_06: Because that was raining now.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_06: I just tell people it does rain there a lot, and it is depressing.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_06: But we have the lowest murder rate in the country.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_06: Thank you.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_06: Because people tend to kill themselves.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_06: We're just more of a do-it-yourself kind of folk.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_06: Somebody runs into a bank with a gun.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, he's got a gun.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_06: Help him.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_18: I hope he has money.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_06: But as if as if rain is a bad weather option to the other weather options in other parts of the country, like hurricanes.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_06: Hello, I think we found out having all the rain in one day.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_06: That's a downside.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_06: Tornado's the scariest weather on the planet, tornadoes, because it's so unpredictable and specific.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_06: Like you could be walking your dog just.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_06: Did you know they can?
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_06: Of course you didn't, because on the West Coast they only show us the day ones on the news.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_06: Two years ago, I'm in Iowa, right across the bottom of the screen as I'm watching late-night TV.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_06: Tornado watch.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_06: I know, no other information for the tourist.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_06: Where do we go to watch it?
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_06: Found it later, tornado warnings when you really freak out, nail your cat to the floor, and run to the basement and hold a pipe or something.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_06: You know what I did?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not making this up.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_06: I uh I put my pants back on.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_06: That's all I could think to do.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_06: I just didn't want to be the only naked guy without a house.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_06: Sorry, I'm not from here.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't know.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_04: I'm from Seattle.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it does rain there a lot, but not like this.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_04: This is crazy.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_06: That's a bit of an exaggeration, too, by the way.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_06: For the front row.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_06: It was really that way.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_06: I probably wouldn't care too much about the pants, frankly.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_06: You know how guys are.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_06: It is getting breezy out here, everybody.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_06: You.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_06: You better nail this to the floor.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_04: Check it out, I'm a kite.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_04: How cool is this?
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_10: It's a wiener kite.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_10: That's what it is.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_06: And I didn't know how big tornadoes could get.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_06: There was one, you know, you tend to think they come to a little point on the ground like you drew them as a kid.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_06: So you can just kind of ole them as they come at you.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_18: Here comes he touch it.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_06: There was one in Missouri a couple years ago, half a mile wide.
• 43:38
  unknown: Holy shit.
• 43:40
  unknown: Half.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_04: That's like God got out his big Hoover vacuum.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_04: What the?
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_04: Who left all this white trash here?
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's not how I left my planet.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_06: I know that's kind of mean, but uh if you're not laughing.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_06: It is.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_06: It is a choice though, isn't it?
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_06: You can make white trash jokes.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_06: That's a choice.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_06: Not the white part, but the trash part.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_06: That is a fashion look you have opted for.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_06: You could wash your children.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_06: You're somehow responsible for something they disagree with.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_06: Not you in general, but you specifically.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_06: You individually.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_06: I was in a British pub and this total stranger gets in my face after ten minutes.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_09: Yo, yank.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_09: How come you won't saw in the Kyoto Protocol?
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_06: I'm just having a beer.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't know about the Toyota.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_06: Corolla and recall.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah, you call yourself a leader of the free world, yet sometimes you support the most oppressive regimes when they serve your interests, don't you?
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_18: I just came to look at castles.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_18: I don't know.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_18: I came to look at oppressive regime housing.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_06: I learned how to shut them up though.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_06: It works every time.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, just do this.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_06: It's wonderful.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_06: Just look him right in the eye and go, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_06: I'm a Canadian.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_06: Sorry, mate!
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_03: Can I borrow your beer then?
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_06: Works every time.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_06: Actually, that's a red redneck brit, too, by the way.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_06: Yo, yik, oh, I'm from Birmingham! I was accosted by a posh brit, too.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_06: That's a totally different story.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_06: A lot more syllables involved in this.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_06: Excuse me, I was ruminating over the prospect that the Americans of the peoples are addicted to petroleum.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_06: And I think if you would intrust even for a moment, you would come to the same conclusion.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_06: You refuse to look for alternatives.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_06: And you will undertake any measure to acquire the substance of your addiction.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_06: I think this suggests that your relationship to the substance has gone far beyond the market value.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_06: I'm just having a beer.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't know about that.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_06: I hear that thrown around a lot, that we're addicted to petroleum.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_06: That's I don't know what you're supposed to do.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_06: There's no Gasaholics Anonymous meeting I've ever heard of that would you know a bunch of SUVs parked out front.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_06: Hi, my name's America, I'm a gas aholic.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I said it.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_06: I feel better.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_06: Thanks.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_06: How'd it start?
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_06: I guess it began a while back when I started burning wood for heat, really.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_06: Everybody was doing it.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_06: It was natural.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_06: You could grow it yourself, man.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_06: Seriously, it's like God wanted us to burn it.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_06: He put it here.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_06: And then they gave me this stuff called coal.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_06: This was like wood concentrate, right?
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm saying?
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, you couldn't grow it yourself.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_06: You had to get it from a dealer.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_06: Seriously.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_06: But once you tried coal, you were not going back to wood.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_06: Ha! It was good stuff.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_06: And then they liquefied it into this oil, which you'd freebaste with a refinery into this golden serum called gasoline.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my god, that was good shit.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_06: I just use a little bit every day to pick me up and get me going where I needed to go.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_06: You know how it starts, right?
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_06: Like, I can handle it.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_06: Pretty soon I had a dealer in every town who would hook me up when I needed it.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_06: Then one day I woke up and my dealer had become president.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_17: No wow.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_17: No wow.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_06: I myself applauded.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_06: Because then we got the good foreign stuff, not that domestic crap, but we got like the Athabascan tar sand, the Amazonian gold, the Saudi Light Suite.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, that was good stuff.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_06: We were pipelining it from here to there.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_06: I was kicking like a 20-gallon-a-day habit.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't even care.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_06: And everybody was doing it, man.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_06: It was a party.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_06: And then they tried to cut off our supply, and I just freaking snapped.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, whoa, whoa, step away from my stuff.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_06: Or say hello to my little friend.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_07: That's my shit, you talking about.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_06: That's when I realized I may have a problem.
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_06: So I'm not making that up.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_06: Not a good one, obviously, because you got married.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_06: Whoops.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_06: That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_06: Think about it.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_06: Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_06: Are you serious you did that?
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_06: Oh man.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_06: Oh.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_06: If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_06: We'd never really thought of that.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_06: What were you wearing when you did that?
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_06: I went to Sunday school.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_06: It's never very good at the Sunday school.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_06: I always had that what if voice going on in my head.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_06: But what if?
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_06: What if, but what if?
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_06: You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_06: What if he was really sarcastic?
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_06: I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it'll be the meek.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_06: That's who will do it.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_06: No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_06: It was amazing.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_06: I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_06: All that extra paraphernalia people say, oh, it's ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of it's unnecessary.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_06: But I don't know.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_06: I like it.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_06: Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_06: That big funeral which went on forever?
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_06: All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_06: All these little boys choirs going on, I'm not sure.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_06: But I don't know.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_06: I like the ritual.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_06: It gives me soulless.
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_06: For some reason, I have no idea why.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_06: I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_06: Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
• 52:06
  SPEAKER_06: It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_06: Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll big stadiums of people.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_07: The good versus evil theme always being played out.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_07: I'll join a mother controlly.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_08: Bring an elbow down on them, finish them off.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_06: The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_06: You have to admit that.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_06: Like Pat Robertson.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_06: Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_06: Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_14: This is God the Father.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_14: Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
• 53:19
  SPEAKER_14: It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_14: So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_14: I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_14: I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_06: Aren't the big ones the easiest to hit?
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_06: How do you miss a moose, for heaven's sakes?
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_06: That's it's like the beginner target, really.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_06: You want to impress people, hang the head of a mouse above your fireplace.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_06: That would be nice.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_06: I got him from 300 yards, man.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_06: Little bastard's coming right at me.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_06: One shot.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_06: Took him out.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_06: Saved the head so I could mount it, but the ass.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_06: I couldn't even find the body of the gone.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_06: This one here, this is a hummingbird.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_06: Got it during bow season.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_06: Told you I was a good hunter.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_06: Second arrow.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_06: I won't lie to you.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_06: First arrow missed.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_06: Hit this old lady here.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_06: She's she was changing the feeder.
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_06: She should wear an orange hat next time.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_06: That's all I was on.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_06: Check this out.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_06: I saved her crooked finger.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_06: Check it out.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_06: Look at that part.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_06: Hang the coat on it.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_06: I think it'd be great if taxidermists were required by law to stuff the animal doing what it was doing when you kill it.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_06: Then you have to wait for it to do something cool.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_06: You couldn't have like, why'd you stuff your bears sleeping?
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_06: I got him in January.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_06: He was he was a little nappy.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_06: Why was your moose like that?
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, the other one got away.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, I think.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_06: If I see two doing that again, I'm gonna get the lower one.
• 55:44
  SPEAKER_06: Have the set.
• 55:50
  SPEAKER_06: This term sportsman has gotta go.
• 55:52
  SPEAKER_06: Hunting may be challenging, but it's not really.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_06: If it's a sport, it's like the only one where the other team has no idea it's playing.
• 55:58
  SPEAKER_06: That's weird.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_06: It's like waking your friend up in the morning.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_06: I just beat you in basketball an hour ago.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_07: I was unstoppable!
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_05: You suck.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_06: My favorite hunting story around these parts, though, that macaw whale hunt.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_06: I love that.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_06: What's interesting is how it plays out among the general population.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_06: Some people are for it, some are most are against, which you know, I I gotta I'm for it.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_06: I figure whatever, whatever.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_06: It's part of their history, part of their culture, right?
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_06: Not that I'm for the wholehearted slaughter of whales, but they whaled for thousands of years.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_06: There were always lots of whales.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_06: The whole extinction issue started when the white guy showed up, you know.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_06: Hey, let's get us some whales too.
• 56:47
  SPEAKER_04: Woohoo! Look at 'em all.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_04: This'll take forever.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_04: Give me that.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_03: Man, these damn Indians just want to kill 'em all.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_08: No respect for nature.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_06: I'm just saying, they're not the whale-aholics.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_06: They can stop after just two.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_06: The anti-whal people are kind of funny, though.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_06: They're, oh, that's right.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_06: Two macaws in the front row.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_06: The anti-whalpeople, they have big hearts.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_06: They want to save the whale, but they they interfere with the hunt by riding a jet ski.
• 58:04
  SPEAKER_06: Now, how ironic is that?
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_06: The environmentalist saving the planet on jet skis.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_02: Save the whale! The ocean's a sanctuary.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_06: Makar paddling a dugout canoe.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_06: What the hell is going on?
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_06: Why don't we get a jet ski?
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_06: When he comes over, let's harpoon his ass, take that jet skate, man.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_06: Looks like fun