Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep4: When Bae Drops the Ball 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep4: When Bae Drops the Ball 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I check my phone.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Whose kid is this?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it says, Tornado warning.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Take cover now in a basement.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, my heart started beating so fast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh my god, do we even have a basement?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm from California.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: We don't do basements in California.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's dangerous because there could be an earthquake.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I wake up my husband, I was like, babe, babe, we got an alert on the phone.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: It says there's gonna be a tornado.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta go in the basement.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have a basement?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now my husband is an army brat.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: He grew up everywhere.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: He spent a lot of time in Kansas and he was like, oh, we used to get these all the time.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Don't even worry about it.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just go back to sleep.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: To sleep?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: But they just woke me up.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's what they want.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, what county is it in?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, that's like five miles away.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're good.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: We could watch it from the front.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: He went back to sleep.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't even stressed at all.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I got up.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I said, oh no, this is an emergency.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: We sleep with one of those sleep sound machines that plays like the rain sounds.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we were already in the midst of a storm.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We had our own storm going on.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was on surround sounds, it was real loud.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: There was stuff blowing up on the windows, but I didn't even notice because I just thought it was a good episode that night.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, ooh, this one's realistic, favorite.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I get up, I turn the sleep machine off, and that is when we can hear the tornado sirens outside.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then my husband go go go get up go But you still make a watch.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: We both start freaking out.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grabbing things we don't even need, like Windex, a staple.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Where do we go?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out we do have a basement.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Guess where it is?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Outside.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're in the Wizard of Oz.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: We keep it locked for safety.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we keep the key in the junk drawer in the kitchen.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You highly underestimate what you consider junk until you're in an emergency situation.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you guys keep your junk drawers at home.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're highly organized.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I open up my drawer, I gotta sift through a bunch of dead batteries, expired coupons, hella rubber bands.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: We don't even use rubber bands.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: But every time we get one, we gotta save it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: What is so sacred about a rubber band that we can't throw it away?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it came wrapped around the newspaper or asparagus.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's in the drawer now.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that asparagus rubber band, that's a good one.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Woo! We better save this.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Got about 86 keys in here.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: We don't even have 86 locks.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Finally find the basement key.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: We go outside, unlock the door, get down into the basement, and that is when we realize that we are fully unprepared for this situation.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have no emergency necessities down there.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: No water, no food, no batteries, nothing.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just me, my husband, and hella spiders.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And they were all looking at me real suspect like too.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like they recognized me.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's her.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But this is from a homie Bubba right here.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: While we were trying to figure out what part of the city we wanted to live in, my husband and I were staying in a studio apartment.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't know if anybody here has ever lived in a studio apartment before, but when you're young and single, that's banging.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's convenient.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you'll be in your living room watching TV.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, you know what?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go lay down in the bedroom.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Boom! Already there.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Convenient when you're young and single.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: However, studio apartment living when you're married isn't real conducive to staying married.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because you have no personal space.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like at our old house, if we got on each other's nerves, he goes to this room, I go to that room, we cool off, we're fine.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now in a studio apartment, if we get in an argument, when we're done arguing, we just gotta keep looking at each other's stupid faces.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know how hard that is?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is challenging.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: That should be a TikTok challenge.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do that one.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband's good looking.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, he's really fun to look at.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: But if we have been arguing, I will make all his pretty features real ugly real quick.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like, you know what?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: You see how your teeth are perfectly straight and you don't need a retainer?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's annoying.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And like, we get it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: You have perfect bone structure.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, you have no character in your face, get a scar.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: If we get into an argument, my husband doesn't want to call it an argument, he wants to call it a talkament.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just the fact that he wants to call it a talkament, to me, now we're in a full-blown argument.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: He wants to call it a talkament because he wants to talk it out.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get to the bottom of it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get to the root of the problem.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when my husband talks it out, he likes to talk in circles.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Circles are his favorite shape.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: He likes to say the same thing he just said, but a little bit differently.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because he's talking it out.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when my husband talks it out, he likes to ask a lot of questions.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Questions, questions, questions, questions.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: He thinks he's being inquisitive.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think that I'm on the stand and I need to defend myself in a court of law.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Questions, questions, questions, questions.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know you said that, but why?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, I know that's what you said, but why?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you do.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Objection, Badgerina Witness.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: He's like overruled, but why?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, I know that's what you said, but why?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's how I feel.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's your feelings, but what's your facts though?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you feel, but what are your facts to support your feelings?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're stupid, that's my facts.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not that my husband is stupid, it's just that I don't know how to talk a mint.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can start in a talk a mint.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're just having a conversation, we're both calm until he triggers me.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Which is like sentence number three.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then next thing you know, here come my emotions.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't even invited to this party, but they showed up ready to say some stuff.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: The more questions he asks, the more worked up they get.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Questions, questions, questions, questions.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, here go my emotions out of my mouth.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm in an argument, my words come out like little shanks.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have a bloody word massacre to clean up.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't mean it.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was just trying to win.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: My therapist hates that joke.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I am working on it though.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am working on my communication.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could be more like my friend Maya.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's so calm, cool, and collected all the time.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: One day I asked her, I was like, girl, do you ever get in an argument with your husband?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Yes.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: She started telling me about an argument they got in.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he had said something to her, and she was like, okay, see, when you say that, it makes me feel like what you're saying is I'm doing it wrong.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then he was like, oh no, that's not how I meant it at all.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry it came out that way.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That was their argument.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, what?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: How do you do that?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how many COVID swabs do you need up there?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: To respond like that.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no emotions involved, just clearly communicating.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: When you say that, it makes me feel like what you're saying is I'm doing it wrong.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Me in that same conversation, oh, so I can't do nothing right then.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, so why are you even married to me?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working on it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Living in a studio apartment when you're married, things that are normally easy are all of a sudden difficult.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like watching TV.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: In a studio apartment, you have to both want to watch TV at the same time.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Then you have to want to watch the same thing.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: At the same volume preference.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't know if my husband is hard of hearing.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: But to him, if the TV is not at volume 85 or above, it might as well be on mute.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: God forbid I bring the volume down to 65.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: He will passive aggressively put on the captions.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's his silent way of yelling at me.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: If my husband cannot feel the vibration of every word coming out of the TV.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not loud enough.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we watch different stuff.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: My husband likes to watch UFC Fights and the Hallmark Channel.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's very diverse.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's into extreme violence and Candace Cameron Beret.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Me, I just want to watch anything murdery, rapey, those are my shows.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: All the crime shows.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I like all the crime shows.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's a network procedural drama, like Law and Order, NCIS, SWAT, Criminal Minds, FBI, like anything Dick Wolf, yes, I'ma watch that.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I also love the docuseries shows, Forensic Files.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: The first 48.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's my show.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I travel a lot with stand-up.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of times I go to cities that are always on that show.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll arrive in that city and I'll be like, oh my god, I'm in Dade County.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I could totally get murdered right now.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I get all star struck.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite one is Law and Order SBU.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Anybody watching the spin-off organized crime with Detective Stabler?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about Stabler for a second.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Christopher Maloney plays Detective Elliott Stabler.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: He was on Law and Order SBU for a very long time.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then he left the show for 10 years.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then he came back.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't know what he did while he was away.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what they call that.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Intermittent fasting, protein shakes, keto.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what he did.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: But when he got on the scene, I got flustered.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my god, Stevler.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Stop flirting with me.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the day after that premiere episode, he posted on Instagram that it was his 60th birthday.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wait a minute.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hold on.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have a crush on my dad's friend?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's weird, because Steve are cogeti.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, 60.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Watching TV with my husband is difficult, but at least it's not watching TV with my dad.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: That is a whole different experience.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you come to the house and you start watching a movie with my dad and they say way too many cuss words, he gets real religious.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: God forbid they say the F word, he'll be like, oh, forgive them, father.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: My dad's the guy who during an action scene, he is counting the amount of bullets coming out of a gun for accuracy.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the second they go over the allotted amount of bullets for that type of gun, he has something to say about it.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: You think you're just watching a movie.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: He's silently fact-checking.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, come on.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Forty-seven bullets and a glock.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't real.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Really, Dad?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: The bullets is what made it not real?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not the zombies they were shooting.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And why is it so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am a grown adult, and it is still awkward.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad makes it even worse because he gets visibly uncomfortable.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: He starts shifting around in his seat.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: He's sweating, mumbling things under his breath like great, now they're gonna do it.