Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 117: Empathy Without Enabling: Boundaries for Toxic Relationships (Understanding vs Tolerating)

Transcript

117: Empathy Without Enabling: Boundaries for Toxic Relationships (Understanding vs Tolerating) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So today's podcast episode.
• 0:24
  The topic is brought to you by my daughter.
• 0:26
  One of my daughters came to me and said, Hey mom, you have got to read this and please do a podcast episode on it.
• 0:33
  And I thought that was super adorable.
• 0:35
  So today we're going to talk about something that popped up in my daughter's feed, but it was this thought it says," just because you can understand why someone is acting the way that they are.
• 0:44
  It doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it." And I thought that that was really powerful, especially for this population.
• 0:51
  Because sometimes our own empathy, it kind of tends to perpetuate toxic relationships.
• 0:57
  it keeps us stuck in these toxic relationships because we can understand so clearly how someone else is feeling and what their personal life experience is, that the empath in us, it wants to make excuses for their poor behavior.
• 1:13
  Essentially, because we can understand why someone is treating us in the way that they are.
• 1:18
  Then we make excuses for them.
• 1:20
  But you know what, just because we can't understand why someone is the way that they are.
• 1:24
  This does not mean that we need to tolerate their mistreatment of us.
• 1:28
  So, for example, we might be in a relationship where our partner is saying, well, yeah, I abuse you because I was abused.
• 1:35
  And so you have to be an understanding person and tolerate this abuse because it happened to me.
• 1:41
  Right.
• 1:41
  We have this understanding that, oh yes.
• 1:43
  I must be there for them.
• 1:44
  I must help them to heal.
• 1:46
  Or it might be something like, yes, I am neglecting you because I was neglected as a child.
• 1:51
  And I don't know how to be in relationship.
• 1:53
  And it's kind of making those excuses, right.
• 1:56
  Or maybe they'll even say, well, yeah, of course, I really accuse you all the time and really try to micromanage your time and have a distrust of you it's because somebody else hurt me.
• 2:05
  And so, because somebody else hurt me, I don't know how to trust anymore.
• 2:08
  So I'm going to keep seeking those reassurances from you and keep accusing you of behaviors that are not a part of who you are because of my past experience.
• 2:18
  So notice if you're in relationship with somebody like this, notice if they are using their experience as an excuse for their behavior, or if they are sharing through the lens of accountable explanation.
• 2:31
  Okay.
• 2:31
  So let's kind of think about the two of those, the excuse versus the accountable explanation.
• 2:37
  The excuse is going to say, I am the way that I am and you have to accept it because if you're a good and loving person, you have to love and accept me because I am a wounded being, and this is just my experience.
• 2:48
  I have a good reason for why I'm treating you this way.
• 2:51
  And so, yep.
• 2:51
  You just have to tolerate it.
• 2:53
  That's the excuse, right?
• 2:55
  And it's also quite manipulative.
• 2:58
  Because what they're essentially saying is if you were a nice person, Then you would understand why I am the way that I am.
• 3:05
  And you would continue to tolerate this mistreatment.
• 3:08
  I don't have to change.
• 3:09
  You need to change to accommodate me because I am wounded.
• 3:14
  Now let's compare that with the accountable.
• 3:16
  explanation.
• 3:18
  An accountable explanation.
• 3:19
  is going to sound more like, Hey.
• 3:22
  I understand that this is my tendency.
• 3:24
  And I also know that this is my tendency because of my upbringing.
• 3:29
  And now that I am consciously aware of this and consciously aware that this is my tendency.
• 3:34
  Now I can see more clearly how this might be negatively impacting my relationships.
• 3:38
  I am choosing now to proactively take steps to overcome this tendency and heal all these parts of self.
• 3:47
  And I know that as I'm better able to do this and better able to heal those parts of myself.
• 3:52
  Then I can actually show up for you in more supportive ways.
• 3:56
  Again, it's the excuse versus the accountable explanation.
• 4:01
  Those are two very different things.
• 4:02
  And once you're able to distinguish those two.
• 4:04
  It helps us to better get out of those toxic relationships because here's the thing is the people that listen here, they're oftentimes the nice guys or the good girls that think no, but because I really know all of their struggles, I need to stay with them and help them to heal.
• 4:19
  We take on the responsibility of their healing.
• 4:22
  But if they're telling you an excuse and they're not being accountable for their behaviors, we are in fact, enabling their negative behaviors.
• 4:30
  We are not actually helping them to heal.
• 4:32
  We are perpetuating these negative habits and behaviors because we're saying.
• 4:36
  Yes, I will stay with you.
• 4:38
  Even though I know that you're not healing and you're not doing the work because I understand your why.
• 4:43
  Right.
• 4:43
  We're teaching them how to treat us by the behaviors that we are willing to tolerate.
• 4:49
  So notice in relationship, ask the questions, ask yourself the questions.
• 4:54
  Are they actually working to create change in this relationship?
• 4:58
  Are they knowing fully the impact that their lack of healing is having on this relationship.
• 5:03
  And are they willing to change it?
• 5:05
  Am I seeing evidence that they are actually working to heal and create change for themselves.
• 5:10
  Or am I continuing to just hear excuses for their poor behavior?
• 5:16
  I may have shared this story before here on the podcast, but it's so good.
• 5:18
  I'm going to share it again.
• 5:20
  But I was recently relistening to the book A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.
• 5:25
  And she shared a story in there where she was mistreated.
• 5:28
  Her date, didn't show up for the date.
• 5:31
  And when she called him, he just said, yeah, I'm busy.
• 5:33
  He never apologized for it.
• 5:35
  He didn't show up with flowers like she thought that he should, he just kind of ignored her for two weeks and then showed back up, wondering if she wanted to go out again.
• 5:42
  And it was really interesting to hear her talk about that experience because she was trying to find a way where she could approach this conversation from a place of love for herself as well as love for this other person.
• 5:53
  But one thing that she said in there was"unconditional love.
• 5:56
  I can understand.
• 5:57
  But not unconditional dating." She knew that if she was going to date someone, she needed to be okay with how she was being treated and she was not okay with being asked out and then left waiting and then ignored for two weeks.
• 6:11
  She knew that this was just a compatibility issue.
• 6:14
  They were not compatible.
• 6:15
  Now the people pleaser mind, it wants to say, but if I keep showing up for them and if I'm super forgiving, then they'll know how to show up for me.
• 6:23
  But this is oftentimes the lie that we tell ourselves.
• 6:25
  The way that we teach other people, how to treat us is through the behaviors that we are and are not willing to tolerate.
• 6:31
  So when this guy called up and said, Hey, you want to go out again?
• 6:34
  She just kindly let him know that, Hey, you know what?
• 6:37
  I had a great time that last time you went out and I just don't think we're a good fit.
• 6:42
  But I do hope that you're able to find what it is that you're looking for.
• 6:45
  And of course, initially he was a little bit hurt and confused and thinking, wait, what's going on?
• 6:49
  But she was able to just be proactive about, yeah, those are behaviors I'm not going to tolerate.
• 6:54
  And when I can just accept that this person is going to show up this way.
• 7:00
  And I can just acknowledge that radically accepted.
• 7:02
  I don't have to force them to change.
• 7:04
  I don't have to coerce them into changing or manipulate them into showing up differently.
• 7:09
  I can just prioritize genuine connection and belonging over acceptance.
• 7:15
  Sometimes we tolerate those mistreatments because we think, well, if I just tolerate it, they'll see how much I love them.
• 7:21
  And then there'll be inspired to change and to show up in amazing ways for me, because I keep showing up in amazing ways for them.
• 7:28
  But this is often not the case.
• 7:30
  One other thing I want to point out to you is if somebody is telling you, well, that's just how I am.
• 7:36
  Essentially, what they're communicating to you is an excuse.
• 7:40
  They are telling you, I have no intention of changing.
• 7:44
  This is who I am.
• 7:45
  And you must change to accommodate me.
• 7:47
  If you love me, you need to love all of me, which is in fact a truth, right?
• 7:51
  We want to be in a relationship with people that love us fully, and that don't ask us to change.
• 7:56
  But we still tend to fall into relationship with people that we hope will change.
• 8:00
  It's that fixer mentality, the rescuer mentality.
• 8:03
  We think"No, if I can help them and I can heal them." We have a tiny bit of a savior complex where we think.
• 8:08
  But if I can just love them through it, then everything will be okay.
• 8:12
  So notice if they're telling you no, this is just how I am and you have to accept it.
• 8:16
  Believe them.
• 8:17
  If somebody tells you who they are, believe them, and then act accordingly, adjust accordingly.
• 8:23
  Let them know what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate.
• 8:27
  One of my favorite thoughts is that boundaries are the distance in which I can love you and love me simultaneously.
• 8:36
  Let me read that again.
• 8:37
  Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and love me simultaneously.
• 8:43
  Sometimes we think the unconditional love means I'm going to keep showing up for them continuously, even when I'm treated poorly.
• 8:50
  In spite of how I'm treated, I'm going to continue to show up.
• 8:54
  But when we do that, we're not actually having those boundaries in place that allow us to be safe.
• 8:59
  And when we do this, not only are we essentially perpetuating the abuse or the neglect, but we're also creating a scenario that is very unsustainable for us, because we are basically bending over backwards to the extreme, to accommodate this other person.
• 9:16
  But they've already admitted that they're not willing to make any changes in order to make it more sustainable for us.
• 9:22
  So we're choosing into a relationship that's not going to go anywhere.
• 9:26
  And this is going to significantly impact our ability to learn and grow as well as the other persons, because they're not being held accountable.
• 9:33
  They're not actually having the opportunity to learn and to grow.
• 9:36
  They're not incentivized essentially.
• 9:38
  To create that change for themselves because we're letting them know that they don't have to create any of that change.
• 9:45
  And remember that the brain loves this.
• 9:47
  The brain doesn't want to have to change.
• 9:49
  The brain, wants to make it everybody else's fault and everybody else has to change to accommodate us.
• 9:54
  We're not often super internally motivated to create that change for ourselves until we feel a little bit of discomfort.
• 10:00
  So calling out the behaviors and asking for accountability could be exactly what is needed in order to inspire that change.
• 10:07
  We like to believe that if we just keep showing up in these kind ways that that is going to inspire change, that they will now have something to model their behavior.
• 10:15
  After that, they will see, oh, this is how the person shows up for me.
• 10:18
  That must be how they want me to show up for them to maybe they're going to have that realization, but more often than not, then they need to see your actions line up with your words.
• 10:27
  They need to actually have you state words and state your boundaries so that you can create something that is more sustainable and invest into those relationships where yes, maybe they do have some past traumas that they're working through, But regardless of who it is that we're choosing to be in relationship with, just be aware of.
• 10:44
  Okay.
• 10:44
  Yes.
• 10:45
  Everybody's going to have their past traumas they're working through, but are they choosing to work through it or are they choosing to make excuses?
• 10:53
  And I also want you to remember the, as you were asking for this accountability, as you are bringing it into their conscious awareness that, Hey, this isn't working for me and I need something different in order for us to move forward in this.
• 11:03
  They might tell you that this is just the way that I am when they tell you this is just the way that I am and you need to accept it.
• 11:11
  Guess what that doesn't mean?
• 11:12
  You have to accept it.
• 11:13
  You still do not have to tolerate their mistreatment, but use that as information that okay.
• 11:18
  They have just informed me that they have no intention of changing.
• 11:22
  And then you can step into your power by deciding if you want to continue to invest into the relationship or not now that they have given you the information as to who they are and what it is that they plan to do and how they plan to show up moving forward.
• 11:35
  So just kind of notice if you're putting yourself in those situations again and again, under the guise of love, because when you're doing that, You're not loving yourself.
• 11:44
  You need to keep yourself safe and you can do that by letting people know what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate.
• 11:52
  Sometimes we think that true love means I can love them unconditionally, or I'm going to keep showing up for them, but we aren't loving ourselves.
• 11:59
  We're not showing up for ourselves.
• 12:01
  We're not putting those boundaries in place for us to create something that's more sustainable for something that's going to create that deeper and more genuine connection.
• 12:10
  Keep reminding yourself in relationship.
• 12:13
  That love does not mean tolerating mistreatment.
• 12:18
  So, Hey, if you recognize that there are some relationships where you are stuck in this relationship, you're feeling like you don't know how to get out.
• 12:25
  First of all, totally normal, especially if you're listening to this podcast, this is a very common phenomenon is so many people that listen here, they find themselves in those one-sided relationships, they have that good intention of just being there for people in their hardship, recognizing boy, they have really been through it.
• 12:41
  But I also want to point out that oftentimes this is a tactic used by narcissists or other toxic personalities.
• 12:48
  They will tell somebody all of their hardships, essentially as a way to trigger the rescuer response in the other person.
• 12:55
  So now they're saying I am the victim.
• 12:57
  I need to be rescued.
• 12:58
  And, oh my goodness.
• 12:59
  The people that listen to this podcast are more than likely the rescuers that are jumping in to save the day.
• 13:05
  And it feels so good to be the rescuer.
• 13:07
  It feels so empowering to be the rescue and to be able to save somebody else.
• 13:12
  From their hardship, but then we fall into that trap where now we're in a relationship where it's imbalanced.
• 13:18
  We're always showing up to help them, but because they're the victim, they can't show up to help us.
• 13:23
  Right.
• 13:23
  They'd have to stand in their empowered self in order to show up to help us.
• 13:27
  So we are essentially creating these imbalanced relationships under the guise of love under the guise of helping or rescuing.
• 13:35
  But that doesn't always serve us and it doesn't always serve the relationship.
• 13:40
  Remember that the victim needs to stay the victim in order to continue to receive that supply of rescuer energy.
• 13:47
  Now, we did talk about victim energy and rescuer energy in a previous episode.
• 13:51
  In fact, there is a whole series on it.
• 13:53
  So I will link those in the show notes, but notice if that might be something that is coming up for you.
• 13:58
  Because again, that is going to create drama.
• 14:01
  Okay.
• 14:01
  When there is a.
• 14:03
  Rescuer and a victim.
• 14:04
  We are in the drama triangle.
• 14:06
  There is the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer and those that, listen here, sometimes where the victim, especially if we're feeling like we're not being received in the way that we would like.
• 14:15
  But more likely than not.
• 14:16
  We're trying to step into that rescuer role, trying to make sure that nobody experiences a negative emotion any time in their life, but at the same time, we're perpetuating our own negative emotions because we're not actually creating that change for ourselves.
• 14:31
  And when we aren't creating that change for ourselves.
• 14:34
  Then we are essentially choosing to make ourselves the victim as well.
• 14:38
  We have learned through this relationship that there is a victim and there is a rescuer.
• 14:42
  So now we are essentially choosing to become the victim, hoping that then that will trigger the rescue or response in somebody else.
• 14:48
  And that then they'll finally start to meet our needs.
• 14:50
  But this isn't the case.
• 14:53
  Remember that every victim has a villain and every victim also needs a rescuer.
• 14:58
  And when you are experiencing or observing the victim persecutor or rescuer energy, it means that you have now fallen into the drama triangle.
• 15:07
  And the way to step out of that drama, the way to get out of the drama.
• 15:11
  triangle is to instead choose to step into that empowerment dynamic.
• 15:16
  So if somebody is telling you, Hey, this is just the way that I am.
• 15:20
  And they're trying to trigger that rescuer response in you.
• 15:23
  Instead, you can step into your coach energy or help them to step into the role of conscious creator.
• 15:28
  By just asking him questions.
• 15:29
  Like, yeah, I understand that.
• 15:31
  That happened to you.
• 15:32
  How do you feel like it's impacting your relationships today?
• 15:35
  How would you like to change those patterns?
• 15:37
  Do you like those patterns in relationship?
• 15:39
  Is it something that you would like to change?
• 15:41
  What do you picture my role being as you work to navigate this?
• 15:45
  Who do you want to talk to?
• 15:46
  How do you want to navigate this?
• 15:47
  Do you want to work with a therapist?
• 15:48
  You want to work with a coach?
• 15:49
  How are you choosing to move forward through this so that you aren't stuck in those self limiting beliefs, but this is just how I am.
• 15:57
  It's great to have that radical acceptance, but the radical acceptance is around radically accepting what happened.
• 16:02
  It's radically accepting that yes, abuse or neglect did happen in my past, but radical acceptance also accepts that: and now I am an adult and I get to choose how I want to proactively move through this.
• 16:15
  So if you were in relationship with somebody that is trying to trigger that rescuer energy in you, and you don't know how to get out, come and work with me, if you recognize that maybe you were the one running some of that victim energy and thinking that no, I need other people to step in and rescue me because I'm feeling so helpless and you're essentially perpetuating that victim energy come and work with me.
• 16:34
  I'm currently offering six week packages and my clients are always coming and going.
• 16:38
  So, let me know if you want to work with me, you can click the link in the show notes and apply to work with me.
• 16:42
  And I can let you know, as spots become available.
• 16:45
  All right.
• 16:45
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 16:47
  Bye now.