Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / 30 Minutes of Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy Compilation 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

30 Minutes of Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy Compilation 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I uh started walking towards the stage three comics ago.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Forty years ago, when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I uh asked a woman on the site for her number.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: She told me it was one hundred forty over ninety-five.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: The great thing about dating a woman my own age, I don't worry about meeting her parents.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work, was terrible.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I asked an audience member where he was from.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: He said, My mama, I heard Miami and said I'd been there.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Recently, my Uber driver was from Egypt, and when I got into his car, he was talking over a phone in Arabic, only I didn't see any device, so I thought he was talking to me using syllables I didn't recognize.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, so, this is what a stroke is like.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've become clumsy in my old age.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I did, and that guy did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I took a quiz on Facebook called What's your spirit animal?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I got extinct.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, We'll see you in ten years, and I thought, but fuck you well.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: They said, nah, you're good.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a gamer.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have any gamers?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: What's your game?
• 3:05
  unknown: Rocket League.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry?
• 3:06
  unknown: Rocket League.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Rocket League.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Tic tac-toe.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes till seven o'clock at night.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Walking can be difficult for me at times.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I do worry about tripping in Poland, so I wear a helmet.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I uh used to smoke cigarettes.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was a heavy smoker.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I quit jogging.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love smoking cigarettes.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'd smoke after sex, I'd smoke during sex.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm officially an old man.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I give unwanted advice to total strangers.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I told a kid to pull his pants up, his underwear was showing.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was wearing the pins.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, it's a great deal.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you die in a fire, if you die in a fire, you get half your money back.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking of getting a tattoo?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not sure what kind of want to get yet.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a skull, my home address.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff getting older.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's some advantages to being my age.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from uh Houston, Texas, and I can now ride the city buses of Houston for free, which is great news for the women of Houston.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor because I thought.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I had arthritis.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have early onset rigor mortis.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the adopt a grandparent program.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, sure.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I need to get busy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies, if you're ever in Houston, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um every time I leave my apartment, I have to go back because I forgot something.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight I reach for my wallet, and wouldn't you know it?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'd forgotten my pants.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I found this new technique which has improved my memory.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've quit listening to people.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I have less crap to remember.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am a recovering alcoholic.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have 36 years sobriety.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: There were a lot of one night, there were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how it would go.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave, remember it was my place.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: One night that lady asked me to spank her.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I asked her why she said I'm into discipline.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of spanking her, I made her go stand in the corner.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: That was a difficult relationship.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: In college, I wrote a paper entitled The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from colonial times to early this morning.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I flunked out of college twice.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: First time because I was a drunk.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I love drinking during the holidays.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I get drunk and go trick-or-treating.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Every holiday I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I love drinking before a show.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not my show, Good Morning America.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I got arrested once for drunk driving.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: When I took the breathalyzer test, I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: YOLO.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I was arrested, pled guilty.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: For my community service, I left the community.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting did not go well.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it's anonymous, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I wore a ski mask.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I am 74 years old.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Life expectancy for men is 76 years.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Life expectancy for women is 81 years.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I figure if I transition.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I'd uh start off my act with two new facts I learned today.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: One, an edible is nothing like a lunchable.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And metrosexual is it two people screwing on the bus.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: My new hearing aids are great.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can now hear the safe word.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: New watch will tell me how many steps I've taken today.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Forty seven.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: No wonder I'm tired.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: As far as social media goes, you can follow me on the bulletin board at Krogers.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or my chart.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of which, because of my bad back, I've had several MRIs, and it's been determined that I have thin bones, and as it happens, thin bones is also my gangster name.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because of my thin bones, I'm very unsteady when I walk.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I own the fucking sidewalk.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: People step aside for thin bones.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Fifty-two.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: My fingers are no longer nimble.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't, if I'm pissed off at somebody, I can't give them the finger.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I give them the claw.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a warrior.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I worry about everything.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I worry about dying young.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'd go to hell.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: A con man got me so confused.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I gave him all my banking information.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: He took one look at my account and put money in.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I bought a new bed, and according to the instructions, it can bear no more than 250 pounds.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So uh when I asked women how much they weigh, I'm just practicing safe sex.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I saw a beautiful lady, and without thinking, I blurted out, oh my God, you're beautiful.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she blurted out, oh my God, get out of the ladies' room.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I fell asleep in my swivel chair and dreamed I was a tornado.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a player.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly checkers.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes till seven in the evening.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Long time ago I was in bed with a cheerleader and she whispered in my ear, give me the D.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I whispered in her ear, D, then waited for the next letter.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: The airport here in San Diego has a lactation room.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know what lactation meant when I went in the first time.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I live in Houston, Texas, and about a month ago we had one of our very infrequent snowfalls.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Spectacular.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I enjoyed it.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I uh made a snow angel.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I fell over backwards and couldn't get up.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: In about three weeks I'm going to Europe to do some shows.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Very excited about that.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: The first city will be Amsterdam, which I'm told has a lot of drugs, which I don't do.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of sex workers.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can't tell, but right now I'm twerking.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Last night I sat on the toilet, slipped right in.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I told someone to kiss my ass.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Where is it?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: I uh exercise.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I uh start every morning with 10 minutes of coughing in place.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Called it by 15 minutes of CPR.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um a friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: That friend's been blocked.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've quit a lot of bad habits in my life.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: With the help of uh nicotine gum, I was able to quit the patch.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And with the help of cigarettes, I was able to quit nicotine gum.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not on Twitter, but I will stop people on the street and tell them shit they're not interested in.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's hashtag where you go in, hashtag I'm not done talking.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hashtag catch these hands.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not into sexting, but I will stop people on the street and show them shit they're not interested in.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's hashtag, don't call the cops.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hashtag, I'm begging you, please don't call the cops.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was on the internet earlier researching my family history.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out I'm Scotch-Irish on my mom's side, Scotch and soda on my dad's.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a uh recovering alcoholic, 36 years sober.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was a quiet drunk.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Some people would say passed out.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: The haters.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: One night I got drunk and passed out in the neighbor's front yard.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I came to, I was part of a yard sale.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: The great love of my life.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: I met in a bar.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: We met when I fell off my bar stool.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was already on the floor.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I did quit doing drugs in uh 1985.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to focus on my drinking.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um so now, no alcohol.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: No alcohol.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um what I drink now, my favorite drink is uh Red Bull and Meta Mucil.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to order one, it's called Sex on the Beach, my ass.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: The last woman I had a uh relationship with didn't last that long, I don't guess.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Her name was Laura.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't have enough in common.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Laura likes to go dancing.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I like to stop my foot till I get some feeling back.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I would use the phrase ahead of schedule.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Laura preferred the word premature.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we had to go to Facebook, change our relationship status.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have it's complicated.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Laura has no it ain't.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: We meant in a grocery store, my mind was wandering.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Accidentally bumped into Laura.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Laura got annoyed, said WTF.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Said no, A-A-R-P.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: For our first date, we went out to dinner, or as Laura called it, lunch.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Our first night together was a disaster.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Laura believes in the zombie apocalypse, and I forgot to tell her I sleepwalk.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I uh wanted to be fair with Laura, so I told her I was older than I looked.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: She said that's not possible.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: I tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, the sex was great, the bedroom could get noisy, I'd be yelling, sweet Jesus.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Laura would yell, God, why hast thou forsaken me?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: The nurse would yell, clear.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Laura uh loved role-playing in the bedroom.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Once for four nights in a row, she was a different golden girl.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: One night she was uh catwoman, and I was Batman.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Alfred.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of nights later she was Jackie Kennedy and uh I was Alfred.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And my favorite bit of role-playing, Laura did a uh strip tease while I yelled at her to get off my front yard.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Laura slept on camouflage, pajamas, slept in camouflage, pajamas on camouflage bed sheets instead of foreplay.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Had to go on reconnaissance.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't always go well in the bedroom.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Laura didn't hesitate to let me know.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: One morning I woke up and my body was outlined in chalk.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: There were pennies in my eyes.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Laura got pissed when we broke up.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't own a car, so she keyed a metro bus.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm on the lookout for a rich widow woman.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want to spend my twilight years with some lady's geezer toy.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: A geezer toy is like a boy toy, but with shorter hours.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: A lady uh asked me if I wanted to participate in a polyamorous relationship, which involves multiple partners.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I said, sure, but we're gonna need name tags.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I will pay anybody fifty thousand dollars to find me a lady friend.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now she has to be kind, she has to be fun, and she has to be wealthy because I'm gonna owe somebody fifty thousand dollars.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have one sex toy.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all heard that too?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be fucking with the old man.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have one sex toy, a referee's whistle.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: I use it to stop play.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: I love phone sex.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is your grandma home?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't want to leave a message.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's do this.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: I um this is uh I look at this to see what time it is, so I know how long I've been on stage, so I know when to get off.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the problem.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't look at the goddamn thing before you come on stage, then 1037 doesn't mean jack shit.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: My smart watch.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a uh a smart phone.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: The uh other day I got so pissed off at my phone, almost shoot against the back wall.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here's how crazy angry I was.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: I asked Sarah if she had any last words.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: She did.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: She said I didn't have the balls.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Once I spent three minutes looking for my phone while I was talking on it, and the idiot I was talking to was no help.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Do you want me to call you?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking to my neighbor Barton today, gentleman about my age, and he was telling me some bullshit story about being at Woodstock, which pissed me off.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's my bullshit story.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go to my backup bullshit story, Apollo 13.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I'd play a joke on Barton.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I'd ring his doorbell and run.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to run, which would have been embarrassing, except I also forgot to ring the doorbell.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's 45 minutes, I'll never get back.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: We live in an interesting neighborhood.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have a neighborhood crime watch program.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: We do have a neighborhood Peeping Tom who helps out.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: After every ruling he else erection sustained.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: He believed the government picked both the moon landing and his wife's orgasms.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: He and his wife recently renewed their uh wedding vows.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't go well.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: When she said I do, he said, God damn it, not again.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: Their grandson has a lot of body piercings, nothing but metal hanging all over his body.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: He works as a wind chime.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have a nice apartment.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have a lot of nice plants.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Some people would say mold.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: The haters.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of comics do very well.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of comics make what they call fuck you money.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Enough money to tell the rest of the world fuck you.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm currently making fuck me money.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody wants to do stand-up these days.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd give all the newcomers the same advice.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Get the hell away from me.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was on America's Got Talent about six years ago, and Mel B of the Spice Girls did not like my jokes, which was disappointing because I wanted to open for her group.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: I could have been Old Spice.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was in a production of Westside Story.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I played Alfred.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: I am uh blessed to be able to do stand-up at my age.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: There are problems from time to time.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of Saturdays ago, before I went on stage, I asked the club manager how much time do I have.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: He said can't be much.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: At my last show, I got confused and dropped the mic at the beginning of my act.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: You all have been very kind.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Get home safely.