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S3E14 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: How One Child in Therapy Changes the Whole Family · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series,
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  and we're talking about how
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  the
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  client,
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  meaning your child,
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  becomes the identified change agent in the family.
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  And this might seem like a little bit of an interesting approach
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  to understanding the dynamics of how
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  therapy influences the entire family dynamic,
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  but this is true of any person in therapy,
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  not just children in CCPT.
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  So,
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  I think it's very important to understand the value and the importance
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  of one person in a family pursuing therapeutic change
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  and how that influences everyone else.
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  So the way that I like to
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  talk about this and illustrate this is the legal scales of justice.
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  I've mentioned that before.
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  So as one
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  Side of the scale.
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  Moves up or down
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  based on what one individual is adding or subtracting.
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  It forces everyone else in
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  the other side of the scale to change.
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  Similarly,
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  when a child
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  starts child-centered play therapy,
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  you have to understand that every family works toward its own balance.
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  So every dyad within the family,
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  so the parent-child dyad,
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  the
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  marital dyad,
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  the sibling dyad,
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  all of that is a natural homeostasis balance point.
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  And what happens is
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  everyone assumes specific roles.
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  This is why birth order is so fascinating,
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  because
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  so much of roles in the family
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  are determined by
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  birth order.
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  So,
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  an oldest child has a tendency towards certain
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  characteristics and personalities.
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  Then the middle child
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  has a tendency towards certain,
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  the youngest child,
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  etc.
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  And not to
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  go off on a tangent about birth order,
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  but
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  I've done a lot of
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  speaking engagements about birth order.
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  I've studied it pretty extensively.
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  And what's fascinating is often
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  your own birth
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  role as a child,
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  even as a parent.
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  Influences your connection with your children.
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  In other words,
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  if you are a youngest
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  in your family of origin,
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  you will naturally understand your youngest child,
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  and sometimes you will not understand your oldest or your middle.
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  And so it's interesting how that will actually carry long term,
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  even into relationships in your new family
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  with your own children and your spouse.
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  So,
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  when we think about everyone has a role,
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  everyone
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  develops kind of the natural rhythm.
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  By a child starting child-centered play therapy,
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  we know the self-actualization process.
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  Fancy word for becoming a better version of themselves.
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  We know
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  that your child has an ideal self
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  and an actual self.
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  Ideally,
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  your child is
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  fill in the blank,
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  kind,
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  obedient,
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  helpful,
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  respectful,
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  thoughtful,
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  and so on.
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  Actually,
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  your child is dysregulated,
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  lacks emotional vocabulary,
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  wants power and control,
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  gets aggressive when upset,
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  fill in the blank.
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  So the child-centered play therapy process,
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  going back to our early episodes in the series.
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  The relationship with the therapist
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  and the environment of the playroom.
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  Are the two conduits
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  for the child being able to strive toward their ideal.
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  I no longer want to be disregulated.
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  I want to be someone that can self-control.
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  I no longer want to be aggressive.
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  I want to be a child who can rein in my temper
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  and
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  be kind.
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  So,
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  what is taking place
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  because of the relationship and the environment
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  is the child becomes a better version of him or herself.
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  So now let's look at this in light of the family dynamic.
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  Everyone in the family.
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  is unaware of the changes that are taking place in the playroom.
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  The child is walking this journey of healing and change
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  and growth.
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  And they're coming home to a static family environment.
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  Wherein
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  there are expectations
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  that the child will continue to operate the way the child has operated in the past.
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  Everyone assumes roles and everyone operates according to those roles,
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  so the child that's in therapy,
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  that is no longer going to be as aggressive,
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  that is no longer going to be as short tempered,
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  that's no longer going to be as anxious or shy
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  or
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  disregulated
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  or whatever the
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  struggles are,
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  as that starts to shift.
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  Everyone in the family
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  is left
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  adjusting expectations.
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  Because when
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  The aggressive child,
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  and I'm air quoting that because
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  I'm just trying to truncate what we're describing here,
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  the child who historically has behaved aggressively
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  when they no longer react in an aggressive way.
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  Everyone in the family goes,
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  whoa,
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  wait a minute.
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  Well,
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  now I don't really know how to respond because I'm waiting for the aggression.
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  I'm waiting for this explosion.
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  I'm waiting for this tantrum,
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  this,
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  this meltdown,
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  this blow up,
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  but it's not coming.
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  Well,
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  so now what?
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  What am I supposed to do instead?
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  Because I normally have to get defensive or I normally have to retaliate,
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  or I normally have to go hide,
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  or I normally have to withdraw.
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  And well,
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  hold on.
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  Now what am I supposed to do if the child's no longer doing this?
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  Everyone in the family
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  is forced to change.
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  That's why the identified client
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  becomes the change agent in the family.
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  This is true of anyone in therapy.
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  So if you yourself have been in therapy as an adult,
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  as a parent,
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  Everyone in the family has adjusted according
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  to your growth and change and healing.
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  This is a phenomenon that we know is accurate across every age level.
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  And the beauty of this is.
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  That a lot of questions emerge about,
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  well,
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  if nothing changes in the environment,
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  if nothing changes in the family,
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  if nothing changes at home,
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  how is CCPT going to help?
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  Well,
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  CCPT obviously assists the child.
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  They gain resilience and coping
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  and problem solving and self-esteem,
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  and they will just handle circumstances
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  and situations more effectively and appropriately.
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  So the child will change from within.
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  But what's interesting is because the child changes,
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  it also necessitates and forces change
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  within the family and the environment and the relationships.
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  So there is no such thing as isolation
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  with change.
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  Change never happens in isolation.
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  And by nature of the child changing through the therapeutic process,
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  everyone else in the family
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  will also inevitably change.
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  So,
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  the beauty of CCPT
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  is not only does the child benefit from it,
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  so does the entire family.
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  Now,
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  here's my
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  disclaimer.
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  I don't want to say warning.
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  That,
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  that sounds a little dire.
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  Here's my disclaimer.
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  Change is hard
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  And the child is willingly going through the change process.
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  They are actively doing the work,
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  so they are making the choice to change.
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  Other people in the family,
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  it's being forced upon them,
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  and that's not fun.
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  So often there is pushback from other members of the family.
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  And it will seem as though
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  the once dysregulated child that's in therapy
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  is now actually regulated and calm and handling things appropriately,
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  and someone else in the family is now
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  struggling and having all kinds of issues.
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  That is normal
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  because the homeostasis and the balance has been upset.
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  And the roles are being forced to change.
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  Everyone in a family gets an unspoken label.
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  Sometimes it's spoken out loud and that's tragic
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  and that's another topic for another episode.
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  But often what happens is
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  people in a family get labeled by one word,
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  like,
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  oh,
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  that's the athlete.
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  That's my musician,
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  that's my class clown.
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  That's my quiet one.
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  That's my
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  fill in the blank.
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  OK,
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  so we,
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  we tend to define.
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  familial roles.
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  With
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  an identity
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  wrapped up in one word.
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  So,
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  unfortunately,
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  that often carries over to negative behavior too.
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  So we get,
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  that's my troublemaker,
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  that's my destruction machine,
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  that's my tantrumer,
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  that's my kid that melts down.
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  Please be real careful
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  about the words that you use to describe your kids.
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  I mean,
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  I,
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  I've,
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  I've heard parents go so far as to say
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  that's the devil.
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  Be real careful.
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  Self-fulfilling prophecy is very real.
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  It's very impactful,
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  and if you hear something about yourself long enough,
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  you start to believe it and you start to act that way.
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  I did an episode ages and ages ago,
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  probably season one about message tease on children.
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  So if you're new to the podcast,
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  first of all,
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  welcome.
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  So glad you're here.
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  I know new listeners
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  happen upon this every day.
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  So really glad you're here.
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  This is a community of parents who really truly value their
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  children and who really understand the importance of a child-centered approach
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  to parenting and therapy.
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  So
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  happy to have you.
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  If you are not familiar with other seasons,
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  please feel free to go back.
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  Lots of
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  hidden gems in there.
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  But one of the episodes I did ages ago was about message tease.
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  And
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  every single time I see a baby or a toddler
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  in a message to that says,
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  This is my sassy era.
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  Or
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  mom thinks she's in charge.
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  That's so funny.
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  Why?
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  Please,
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  if you,
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  if you have rationale for this,
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  I would actually really truly love to hear it because I can't conceive of it.
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  Why
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  would we put our child in a shirt that says that?
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  I'm a wrecking ball.
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  I'm a diva
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  Full of
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  tears and tantrums.
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  These,
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  these are,
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  I'm not making this stuff up.
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  These are shirts that I've read and I've remembered
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  because it has made such an impact on me.
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  Why?
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  Would we put our children
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  in shirts
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  that become self-fulfilling prophecy?
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  Why don't we
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  buy shirts?
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  We're spending hard earned money on this junk,
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  y'all.
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  What in the world?
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  I mean,
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  I won't even talk about how
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  crazy it is to put your child in a shirt that says that,
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  but then you spent money on it.
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  You worked hard and spent money
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  on a shirt that says stuff like that.
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  Why are we not putting our kids in shirts that say
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  kind,
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  respectful,
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  thoughtful,
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  loving?
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  Why aren't we putting our kids in shirts that say I can do anything?
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  Why aren't we putting our kids in shirts that say,
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  I'm becoming.
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  Because that doesn't sell.
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  We find the snark and the sarcasm and the humor and the other stuff,
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  but it's self-fulfilling prophecy.
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  When we say things about our kids,
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  when we put messages on our kids' t-shirts,
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  we're communicating something to them.
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  So back to the,
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  the identified
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  agent of change is the
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  child in therapy.
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  Your child that was once the
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  tantrum thrower,
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  I'm air quoting.
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  They're not gonna throw tantrums anymore.
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  Well,
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  now that role is no longer claimed.
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  And your other children
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  that have never been one to throw tantrums
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  might go,
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  well,
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  now my brother's like the calm one,
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  so I can't be the calm one anymore.
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  I guess I'm gonna have to start throwing tantrums.
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  You will often see huge role reversals in your family.
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  And in the relational dynamic,
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  especially amongst siblings,
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  because the siblings get upended
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  and the norm is no longer.
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  And so it's like,
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  hold on a minute.
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  My brother that used to always be the one melting
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  down is the one that like is obedient and,
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  and happy now.
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  So,
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  what am I supposed to be now?
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  Who am I?
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  What's going on?
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  And you will often see a transfer of behavior.
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  Because
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  of the change that's taking place in one
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  of the family members,
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  and it's forcing it around everyone else.
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  So I hope that that is giving you some insight.
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  Be mindful that you will change,
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  your other children will change.
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  Everything in the family begins to change because of the child in therapy.
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  And it's beautiful
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  because we don't sign up for it.
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  We don't necessarily say,
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  OK,
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  all of us are going to be in therapy.
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  But the result is that all of us become new and different versions of ourselves.
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  And that is a byproduct
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  of the work that's taking place in a
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  child-centered playroom with a child-centered play therapist.
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  I love you all.
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  I hope you have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.