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EP88: Handout verses Hand Up · Unpause Your Life

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  You are listening to Unpause your life with doctor tali As Says and Master Coach
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  Jenny Fontana, founders of the Life Coach method. Each one of our uplifting
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  and deep dive episodes is geared to help you tackle the things that hold you
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  back from having the most magnificent life you deserved. Sit back, relax,
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  and prepare to be coached. My topic is what I've seen to be running
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  into lately is the difference between a handout and a hand up. And if
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  you know this, in the world of addiction, we call it enabling,
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  right, giving somebody too much of something where they never have to actually take
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  accountability. So let's explore the two. A hand up is an offer of
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  a job, an offer of assistance through blood, sweat and tears, or
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  exchange of goodness, goods and services. Right. Currency We all know currency
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  or money to be that of exchange of goods and services. Right. You
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  want to buy something, you go to home depot, you hand them money,
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  you take an item. That's an exchange of goods and services. In
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  the barter world, you can exchange goods and services for something else. You
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  might have someone clean your house and you give them a couple boxes of fresh
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  eggs from your chickens, right bartering. So the difference between a handout and
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  a hand up is an offer to allow someone to help in exchange for payment
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  of a sort. Can be food, can be housing, can be shelter,
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  can even be money. Right help them get to the next level,
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  versus a handout is just giving them something. So I've got two little scenarios
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  for you that I've run into lately in my life. And one is a
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  young lady that had a job with the family company. She was doing great
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  with them for a few years. Well, they thought she was doing great
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  until they learned that she was basically billing clients and not providing the cleaning services
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  that she should have been providing. So when the family found this out,
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  they have, you know, a nice, large size cleaning company. They
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  realized that the services weren't getting done. Clients were canceling, accounts were getting
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  lost, people were getting built for services they didn't have, and they were
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  still paying this person. They're paying my client. We'll call her Jane.
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  So Jane's collecting a paycheck even though the company mom and dad are well aware
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  she's not working. What happens is the other employees start to catch on Jane's
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  not working and getting paid. Their morale goes down, their working ability goes
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  down, their motivation goes down. Because right, why because the daughter of
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  mom and dad. When the company is still getting a paycheck. Then they
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  give you know, janea carr They might give her a trip or two,
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  They pay for childcare, they cover other expenses for Jane. The other employees
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  start to become resentful because she's not working. Clients are canceling because she's not
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  working, and mom and Dad are covering for her. This is not a
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  hand up. This is a handout. What happens now when the company closes
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  its doors, which is what happened here, the clanting company closed its doors.
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  Mom and dad said we can't do this anymore. They sold their list
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  to a competitor and who absorbed their client list, and they shut their doors.
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  Well, Jane now is not on payroll. So Jane is freaking out.
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  I have no money coming in. Jane is harassing the parents, calling,
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  leaving threatening messages. Jane can't pay her car, her carget's repossessed.
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  Jane's whole life is in jeopardy. Now. If the parents would have taught
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  Jane how to adult and given her a hand up, not a handout.
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  She wouldn't be in this position. It's even worse because one of Jane's siblings,
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  who has a company, offered Jane a job and said, this is
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  all you have to do. It's very simple. You go out, you
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  pitch the customer. I'll go out and provide the service. So basically,
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  all Jane had to do was get dressed, get in her car, go
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  to the customer's home and pitch the service. And already existing customer for an
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  upsell service, which was fairly easy, would have taken Jane no more than
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  an hour of her time and she would have been able to pay her car
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  payment for three months, but she chose not to do that because the money
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  for Mom and Dad was so good. Jane sat on her butt, knitted
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  watch TV eight bond bonds, and went to the gym. Now Jane has
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  no job and is completely falling apart because she can't get the money she needed
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  from Mom and dad. This leads to addiction. What is Jane doing?
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  Jane is drinking. Now Mom and Dad are concerned Jane is going to drink
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  herself to death because she's drinking and she's mental health issues. Now she has
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  mental health issues from this scenario. So that's my first case I ran into
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  this week. My second case that I ran into was a husband who was
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  a little frustrated or ex husband that was a little frustrated with the scenario that
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  he has found himself in. His wife is on disability, so she's collecting
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  a paycheck. Well, if you understand disability, and everyone says get your
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  government money, get those binnies, that's not government money. It's paid by
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  taxpayers like you and me. We pay for free money for other people.
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  This can be in the forum of food stamps, it can be in the
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  form of health insurance or cash money. In this case, but because and
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  we'll call her Becky, Becky is behind in child support because she hasn't paid
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  it in seventeen years, eighteen years. Becky's child support and her disability are
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  intertwined. So that means because she hasn't paid the child support, her disability
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  is being cut down and her arrears are being paid child's sport, which makes
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  sense, that's how it works. None of that money's hers anyway. However,
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  this is a handout. So what happens Becky expects a handout from everybody.
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  Becky expects people to pay her cell phone. She calls and complains that
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  people are that the child support money that's her money now is being taken from
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  her for other things. It'stead. If her children were it be longs,
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  that's where it should be. But she's saying it's her money. It's technically
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  not her money. It's government money, which is you and me taxpayer money.
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  So what happens. Becky's offered a job. Becky's offered a very easy
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  job helping somebody walk their dogs a couple times a week. It's very simple,
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  right, she lives right around the corner. She can walk over walk
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  the dogs twice a day and she has offered four tventy five dollars per day
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  to help dog walk. If you do the map forty five times thirty,
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  think about it, that's going to rival her social scurity disability money. And
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  the person's offering to give her cash once week. This would offset any costs
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  that would come about with the child support payment being removed. It would help
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  her pay her cell phone, her rent, her food, whatever she needs.
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  She doesn't want to do it. She wants to complain that her ex
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  husband is stealing her money and she cannot live on that little bit of money
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  that disability the government aka you and me the taxpayers give her. So what
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  does she do? She asks her children for money and tells them that her
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  bank account is being affected her me I my, but still again not her
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  money. It's you and me the taxpayer's money, allowing this behavior to continue.
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  That's an example of a hand out. If someone gives her money,
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  she will continue every month asking for that amount of money, if not more,
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  with the same sob story. I don't have enough money. My money's
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  being cut, even though she was offered a dog walking job right around the
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  corner two or three houses over from her neighbor to offset that. That is
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  called a hand out, not a hand up. Now, what happens if
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  they take the hand up? The first case scenario the job, second case
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  scenario, the job, They become self sufficient. When they become self sufficient,
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  they say, wow, I can do this. I can pay my
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  own way, I can pay for my car, my food, my health
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  insurance. If I want to go to the movies, I can do that.
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  All of these things can be done if you're willing to work and you're
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  willing to put the time and energy and effort into yourself. Neither of these
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  individuals is willing to do that. They are what we call the victim.
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  That's a defense mechanism. When you play the victim role, people feel so
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  sorry for you. When people feel sorry for you, what do they want
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  to do? They want to make you feel better. That's called enabling.
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  So if we pay their bills, pay their car payment, pay their child
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  support, pay their food bill, pay their light bill, buy them gifts,
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  whatever it is they need, we become the enabler. What happens over
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  time is that they never learn how to adult. And you have people that
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  are forty five years old, fifty years old, fifty five years old that
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  cannot adult. I saw this with my late husband's family. There were three
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  boys. One of the boys can't pay his own mortgage. He takes the
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  money out of his mother's account every month, and he's forty five. No,
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  he's fifty out. So because he doesn't want to work or doesn't want
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  to pay his own mortgage, he does that. He called his mom,
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  she sent a car because he doesn't want his own car payment, or it
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  got repossessed because he can't figure out how to pay his car payment. And
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  this is somebody with an almost PhD. So these are things that are hand
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  out. My late husband's other brother brings his wife and child over for daycare,
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  and his mother's eighty some years old. His mother does it, She
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  cleans, she cooks, she provides for them. That's a hand out.
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  What's going to happen when she passes away? These children will not be able
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  to adult as much as my late husband the same thing. He couldn't adult
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  if something went wrong, they fixed it. He didn't have the life's skills
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  to be able to adult. So in case scenario one a case scenario two,
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  we're seeing the same problem. If we enable her or we give a
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  hand out, people will never ever be self sufficient, and they will always
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  complain that they are a victim of society, or are they a victim of
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  circumstance, or they are a victim of their childhood. If you know my
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  story, you know I come from a really shitty childhood. My father was
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  very abusive mentally and verbally and physically. And I had two options. I
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  could sit around and complain and say what a hard life I had, Look
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  at me, woe is me, you know, and not hold a job
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  and during my family's bank account, or I could go out and say I'm
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  gonna harness this and I'm gonna do something with it. I'm going to show
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  people that I can do this on my own. And I did put myself
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  through a bachelor's, master's into PhD program all on my own. Every car
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  I bought on my own. And I've had seven companies all on my own
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  with less than three hundred dollars in my bank account, with no handout or
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  hand up. I've done everything on my own to prove I could do it.
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  Now. Not everybody has that will and that strength and that gumption,
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  as we say, but keep in mind, if you have a child at
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  home, no matter what age age fifteen, age twenty, age thirty,
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  age twenty five, each fifty five, and you are still giving them a
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  hand out. Remember when you pass away, they will not know how to
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  get a hand up because they will not want to work or think they have
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  to work. We call it entitlement pretty simple. I'm too entitled to work.
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  I'm too awesome to work. Why would I want to walk the dogs
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  for forty five dollars a day when I can complain I'm the victim and someone
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  will pay my cell phone bill. Why should I go to a job go
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  to the job when I could just collect a paycheck because it's my family's money.
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  Anyway, These are skewed thinking stories that put the client in the victim
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  role and you in the enabler's seat. So think about the next time you're
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  about to give somebody money. Is this a handout or a hand up?
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  And it should be a hand up, because if it's a handout, you're
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  gonna have a handfull. And then when you pass away, you won't know
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  what to do and they won't know. Well you'll be gone. They won't
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  know what to do without you, because you have become their ATM. You
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  have become their sounding board, You have become their source of income, and
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  you should not be their source of income. So think about that. No
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  more handouts and only hand up. Thank you for listening to Unpause your Life
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  with doctor Cali Estez and Master Coach Jenny Fontana. Head over to www dot
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  The Life Coach method dot com to learn more about coaching yourself and how to
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  become a master coach.