Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 077: When You Are No Longer Needed in the Same Way-What Do You Do with the Empty Space

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077: When You Are No Longer Needed in the Same Way-What Do You Do with the Empty Space · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and today is our Saturday episode.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we get to talk about things like passion and purpose, identity, and becoming more fully yourself, who you are meant to be.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: There is something about this time of year as we start to enter into September and we're thinking about fall coming.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I just experience these changes every single year.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I watch it with many of my clients as well, and it's this feeling of change, both inside your house and outside of it.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you start to see the leaves beginning to change, and the kids are going back to school, and grandchildren return to their routines, college students leave again, and all the summer schedules and vacations, they're all mostly pretty much over.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And our days are starting to get a little bit shorter.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So even if nobody in your home is going back to school, September just has a way of making life feel just a little different.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you've noticed it, but in late August and September, the trees even sound different at night.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Warm sun, crisp air in the evenings.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I it's just my favorite time.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, it can be a little bit disruptive.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter, when she comes home, it just changes the rhythm of the entire house and every day.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And she fills the space.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Even when she's busy and she's not here all the time, she just fills the space, she fills my heart.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And even though I don't get to see her because she's doing so many things on her own and working and busy, there's just something really extra special and full about knowing she is here at home in the house.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of our conversations, they seem to happen mostly late at night, which absolutely disrupts my schedule.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to confess that part of me looks forward to getting back to my usual routine as she goes back to college.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But when she leaves, then I miss her.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I miss her terribly.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is just the way it is.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's this emptiness afterwards, you know, there's fewer late-night conversations, and the house gets quieter.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, something about the space just feels emptier.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: I can feel relieved to return to my routine, but I also at the same time feel this loss because she's not here.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Both things are true, both things are true at the same time.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe you recognize this in your own life, but in a different way.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is because you have children that went back to school or moved away, but maybe it's because you're retired from a career that once gave you structure to each of your days.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're feeling this kind of quietness and emptiness.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's because you lost a spouse or ended a relationship or finished caring for someone who no longer needs you in the same way.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Caregivers experience this level of quiet and loss and relief all at the same time.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes this feeling of being a little lost afterwards.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not just about kids going back to college or back to school.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been in an extremely demanding period of life and you kept thinking to yourself, you know, once I get through this, I'll finally be able to do the things I want to do.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll finally feel free.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden you get there and you have this time.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the relief isn't coming.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It just didn't feel the way you wanted it to feel.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone, I promise you.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And all that quiet that you may have been craving or even praying for, all of a sudden it comes and now you don't know what to do with yourself.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Does any of this sound familiar for you?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to talk about today.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you are no longer needed in the same way?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you do with the empty space that's now left behind?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think so many of us, especially as women, have spent years knowing who we are, partly through what we do for others and what other people need from us.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So someone needs dinner and a ride here or there and an answer to this.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the parents, as we get older, they need care, and your child needs guidance, and your team or your coworkers, they need leadership, and it just goes on and on and on.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a next thing.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And even when we're in those periods and we're going through all of it and it's completely exhausting, it still gives our days structure.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it gives us a place to direct our energy.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of a sudden, something changes and the person maybe that you were caring for becomes more independent, like your children.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you were caregiving for somebody who was recuperating from something and now they don't need you to.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you've lost somebody and now you're not needed by them anymore.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: How about the job ending?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is another place that this can happen.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: If a job ends, you retire, or a crisis that you're in for a period of time that just is consuming all of a sudden gets resolved and passes, you can have this level of quiet that will creep in where you don't know exactly what to do or have these feelings.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: This happens when relationships change too.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: No one really hands us a new schedule immediately and tells us, okay, this is ended.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now this is what you need to do.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know it might seem like it if you have more than one person pulling at you or demanding your time, but when you find yourself in these quiet moments and with this free time all of a sudden that you're simply not used to, it can become a little uncomfortable, to say the least.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to say this because we often feel guilty when we feel unsettled.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And feeling unsettled does not mean that you are ungrateful.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Missing being needed does not mean you want the difficult season back necessarily.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling some relief does not have to mean you didn't love the person or value the role.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: It just simply means that you are adjusting.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your mind and your body became accustomed to certain sounds or routines, conversations, even the interruptions and the responsibilities.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, they disappear.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And even when that change happens to be a positive one, your whole system, your heart, your mind, your body, your soul, your whole system can feel the difference and just feel a little out of sorts.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough room to adjust to this.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of giving ourselves the space and the time to pause, adjust, and decide what's next, we rush in and we start to fill that space.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Have you done any of these things?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you're filling that quiet or that space or that emptiness with keeping the television on all the time or the radio playing all day because the house feels too quiet without it.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people who live alone do this all the time.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're somebody who fills every open hour with work or cleaning, volunteering, errands, or solving everybody else's problems.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you turn to the TV and you start binging, or you scroll, you binge scroll, or you binge eat or shop, or you binge listening to something constantly because you do not want to sit with how you feel now when things feel different.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've done some of these things myself too.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've done a little bit of this binging with my little fictional audiobooks I got into recently.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I genuinely enjoy them, but if I'm being completely honest, sometimes they have also filled the sound and the space that used to be filled by having my daughter at home.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you lounge on the sofa and go through the minimum motions of the day, but you don't feel quite like yourself.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you continue trying to manage people from a distance who no longer really need you or want you to manage their lives sometimes.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Adult children are a good example of this.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we tend to find other things to fill the time, such as organizing, advising, fixing, reminding.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was our role for so long, either in a job, in a marriage, a relationship, as a parent, and so on.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And and do you do you self-criticize?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying things like, oh, I finally have the time I want it, and now I don't know what I want.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I don't know why I'm not happier.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong with me?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's got to be something wrong with me.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even make a decision.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do this, I can't do that.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I not exercising all day?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should be cleaning out the entire house, writing the book, starting the business, doing all the things I said I would do once I finally had time to do them, and I still haven't done them.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's not so productive either.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because guilt, it adds to the emptiness.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Resentment, anger, fear, it all adds to the emptiness.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: None of these responses make you weak, none of them at all.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: They are completely normal.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: They are simply ways we try to create comfort, familiarity, and direction when our life changes, when the rhythm is no longer what we've known for so long.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if we never notice what we're doing, the space can become filled without ever becoming meaningful.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to offer you three grounded things that you can do, not three steps to reinvent your entire life over the weekend here, just three ways to begin living inside this new space without running from it and demanding that you immediately know what comes next.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, I want you to first name what actually just ended.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we describe only the event, like my daughter went back to college, or I retired, or my caregiving responsibilities ended, or the relationship is over, the project is complete, you get the picture.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath all of that, whatever the event was, something else changed.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: The daily version of mothering that organized your life has changed.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or the work that gave your whole week orchestrated structure has changed.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: The person who relied on you no longer relies on you in the same way.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or the role that made you feel useful, connected, and certain about where you belonged has shifted.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So try finishing this sentence.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: What ended was not only blank, what ended was blank.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you an example.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: What ended was not only my daughter being home, what ended was the everyday closeness and activity her presence brought into the house.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Naming that more honestly helps you understand why the change has affected you so deeply.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're not being dramatic about an empty chair or a quiet room or a lost schedule or not being needed.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: It represents something.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So the second step is to notice what you are reaching for.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: When the quiet feels uncomfortable, what is it you reach for automatically?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it noise, food, work, your phone, another person's problem or new project?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: What is it for you?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself one honest question.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Am I choosing this because it's good for me right now, or am I using it to escape the emptiness?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with watching a movie.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with listening to an audiobook or calling a friend or getting involved in a project.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: None of that is bad.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: But the same activity that can mean healthy connection one day can mean it's an avoidance the next.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is often in why you are reaching for it and how you feel afterward.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel a little bit steadier, lighter, connected or restored?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you feel more drained and disconnected and disappointed that another day disappeared?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's a sign.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to judge the answer.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness gives you a choice that autopilot does not.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: The third step is to build a new rhythm before demanding a new identity.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I think really this is where we can make things much harder than they need to be.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Lord knows I've made a lot of things harder throughout my lifetime than they needed to be, and then had to really fully realize it and take a step back.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's when we feel an opening in our lives and immediately start asking, okay, who am I now?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: What's my new purpose?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: What should I do with the rest of my life?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: These are enormous questions.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they're great questions, but they're enormous questions to ask yourself while your system is still adjusting to whatever the change was.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: So before you expect yourself to know what your next great big purpose in life is, give yourself, give your days a few steady anchors.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Eat at some regular times.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Take a morning walk.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Begin the day with prayer or journaling or quiet reflection.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Plan some meaningful connection during the week.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And give your body consistent care, choosing a reasonable time to get dressed and begin your day and go to bed and especially if you're in retirement.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I see this all the time with people in retirement.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or people working from home.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're working from home and your schedule hasn't necessarily changed a lot, it can often remove the existing old schedule that you were used to and leave you with these feelings.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not about packing your calendar again at all.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating enough steadiness in your days so that they begin to feel like they belong to you.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your body, your mind, emotions, your spiritual life, your relationships, and environment will all affect how you experience a transition.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not sleeping well, you're barely eating real meals, or you're feeling isolated and in pain and maybe surrounded by a space that no longer supports you, it's going to be much harder to hear what you genuinely need.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to solve every part of that this weekend.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just choose one anchor.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you're going to choose to go outside with your coffee each morning.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's making one nourishing meal instead of grazing through the whole evening.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a Tuesday walk with a friend or returning to church or taking a class or turning the television off 30 minutes before bed and just letting yourself hear your own thoughts.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do not choose the anchor that sounds the most impressive either.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Choose the one that would help you feel more present right now in your life.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Give this some time.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling this way and you're feeling empty, it's not because the space around you feels empty.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are adjusting to no longer being needed in the same way.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And those are not the same things.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you are still valuable even when no one is asking for something.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: You still matter when you're not solving a problem.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your life still has plenty of meaning when your role changes.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You are created, perfect, and valuable and worthy just as you are.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this might be part of your own whole woman reset, too.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you need to erase who you were or rush toward a brand new version of yourself right away, but because the different parts of your life need a chance to adjust to what is true for you now.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the whole woman reset begins September 30th.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: I only run this a couple of times a year.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And early registration did just open.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's eight guided weeks, followed by four months of coaching, community, and support.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I give you four months after the actual core program is because you need that additional coaching and support and that connection to make change last.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to live it in your actual life, it actually takes some time.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening to this and you're thinking, yeah, I really feel depleted and I just feel disconnected and foggy in my sleep and my this and my that and my aches and my pains and my overwhelmed or whatever your little list is, even if it's as simple as I just don't feel like myself anymore, then go ahead and check it all out.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's at my website, fredericadavis.com.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn all about it.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a free reset starter there that you can download.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: But for today, I want you to finish this sentence.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: The role or rhythm that has changed for me is blank.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the one steady anchor I am choosing now is blank.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to fill all of the empty space.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even need to have your next chapter figured out.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just begin by creating one small point of steadiness in the life that you are actually in right this very minute, living now.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending part of your Saturday with me.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode made you think of someone who is adjusting to an emptier house or a changed role in their life, or just a life that all of a sudden feels suddenly different, please share it with her.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't reviewed our show, please do so.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It helps other women like you find it.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.