Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep6: Dad-Level Discipline: Tone Bell's True Story 🤣

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S3 Ep6: Dad-Level Discipline: Tone Bell's True Story 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: He just had to put that photo on the fridge.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: It literally it was like some Pavlov's dog shit.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like whenever I saw that photo, I was like, oh my god.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Is it gonna happen again?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: This is not happening.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host Roy Wood Jr.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: Come with me.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Did you know that nobody knows where cigar smoking even comes from?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: Let's say the northern Amazon back in the day.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: Ayahuasca serabon stuff like that.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, man.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we gotta do eleven of the cocoa.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: A couple months ago, a friend of mine called me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Called me, he had a question about being a father.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: My boy Dare calls him because my son's acting up in school, he's about to turn nine years old.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh timeout ain't working.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been thinking about I've never, you know, I've never spanked him, never gave him whooping.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm I don't know, man.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like timeout's not working.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, you know, what do you think?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: You think you think I should you think I should spank him?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, man, I don't know if we're friends because um I don't have kids, so I have not can't answer this question.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't know.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I did think of it, it made me think about it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So after we got off the phone, I called my dad.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I called my dad, and I was excited to talk to him.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Dad, like I just my friend, my friend Dare called me, and uh he was asking me about a whooping, and it just made me think about the last whooping I got, and like the most memorable one I ever got.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like, hey, do you do you remember?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember the last whooping you gave me?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And he I he took a second.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you know what?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you know how you can hear somebody smile from the other side of the phone?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I knew the the last one, because it's it's in grind, it's like it's chiseled in my memory.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly which weapon this is.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, the the chair.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: The chair.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked my dad, you remember the last one we gave me?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: The chair.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh shit, you call it the chair too?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We got the same memory.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was in sixth grade, I was in sixth grade, and it did.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It like it it I can't say it ruined our relationship, but it definitely definitely like it separated us a bit.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a weird, it's a weird thing because like now it's still, I mean, it's 20 years later, it's still it still separates us, it still drove a wedge in between us.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 12, I was going to a new school, all good elementary, Decatur, Georgia.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I didn't know anybody.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was weird, I was like, I kind of was in this weird phase where like I was probably, I was just like I was husky.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't chubby, I was husky, right?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was uncomfortable with the gap in my teeth.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I didn't have right haircut, I didn't my parents couldn't afford like good clothes.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was just like a I had to be like some like jovial, like nice kid because I didn't have I didn't have other kids' hat.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Get to school.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in Miss Dillard's class.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's not even a cool teacher.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing about Miss Dillard's class that was good is this one this girl that like I was in love with.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Natasha, she's the only reason why I ever wanted to go to school.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Even now, 30 30-year-old me is like she was bad.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I had a huge crush on her.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: The class everybody wanted to be in was Miss Jefferson.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Miss Jefferson, redhead, probably 25, she was a cool teacher, she was a math teacher.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Miss Jefferson had this little system in uh in elementary school where uh, you know, she had Jefferson, Jefferson Bucks in the Jefferson bank.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, anytime you score like an A on a test, or you like open the door for a little girl, or uh or just something nice.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime you're like cordial, did just something nice, just something polite, you could earn a Jefferson buck.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the week on Fridays, you could take your Jefferson Bucks, buy candy, have extra, you know, extra time at recess or whatever you want to do.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so everybody, every everybody that you wanted to earn Jefferson bucks, okay?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't have her every day, only in the homeroom class had her every day.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the homeroom class was balling out of control, okay?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: The homeroom class, I mean, they had they had her all the time, so they're just making bucks at the bucks, okay?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making three, four dollars a week.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: These motherfuckers rolling around with fur coats on, tossing keys, valeting their shit.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, we 12.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was a class system.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You could tell who was better than somebody else.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was like they lived in the Capitol and we were District 12, okay?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's how that's how it felt.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I was like, this is it's it's enough.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can't, I can't take it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't take it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're not getting enough, it's not fair.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so for weeks I devised this plan, and I was like, man, I need to rob the Jefferson Bank.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not getting enough touches.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I had this whole plan worked out.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna go to lunch and I'm gonna leave the window crack.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I sat next to the window, I left the window crack just enough.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: The day came.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, can I go to the restroom during lunch?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hallways are empty.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hallways are fucking empty.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, my plan is brilliant.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I slipped through the breezeway, opened the window, hopped in, closed it, robbed the Jefferson bank, filled my pockets up, went through the classroom door so I could be just being a hallway like I'm coming back from the bathroom, locked the door, turned around.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Who's standing there?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Goddamn Natasha standing right there.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's the only other person in the hallway.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Looks at me, what you doing?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Huh?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing to Miss Jefferson's class?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I wasn't in Miss Jefferson.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Huh?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, what's that?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I look down, it's Jefferson books popping all out of my pockets.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nothing.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You stole from Miss Jefferson?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, I didn't.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what's that?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, god damn it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, I'm gonna need some of that.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to give it to her, I had to give, I had to give Natasha hush money.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I emptied my whole left pocket, just gave it to her.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, be quiet, okay?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't see nothing, take the money and go.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Go start a new life.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can do whatever you want to with this money.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that last scene and set it off.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just go away.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of the day, she had told everybody.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Told everybody.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: She got in trouble, I got in trouble.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: They called my dad.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was about to be over.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I remember like, oh you know, like that that I knew the woman was coming.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I knew it was coming.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew it was coming.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to walk home.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna get some fresh air.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was about a mile and a half walk.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't take the bus.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody knew, so I didn't want to, I didn't want to get teased on the bus.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I got home and I was like, you know what?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: If I got three hours left to live, I'm gonna just do whatever I want to do.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this is I'm 12 years old, so you gotta imagine.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just went, I just I just got like I got a bowl of ice cream.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I went upstairs, I'm watching scrambled porn, and I jerked off.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I beat my meat for hours, okay?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Eating ice cream, watching, and I remember I was watching Sexual Outlaws.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's the name of that's the I gotta remember, I gotta look that up when I get I've never seen it without the scrambles.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: It might be a pretty good book, I don't know.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember, I remember, um, I remember like going up, going upstairs, eating ice cream, tugging at it, going, I was going to work on myself.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nah, nah, I was going to work.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ran out of ice cream, going to get a refill.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I go back downstairs, go back downstairs, right in front of the refrigerator.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's a chair in the middle of the kitchen, right in front of the refrigerator.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I walk in, I'm like, I didn't put that there.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh shit, who somebody must be home?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the garage, nobody's, no, nobody's car.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Mom and dad, nobody's car.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Look in the driveway, nobody's car.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Look down the street, nobody's car.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Can't see anything.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm like, maybe it's the other whole time I just didn't notice it the first time.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Open the freezer up.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: All I hear my dad's voice.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You gonna close that.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know what time it is.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I close it.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: How the fuck did you get in there?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead and drop him.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Drop my pants.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leaning over this chair.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning over this chair.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: My dad goes to work.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he takes out this belt.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's, I mean, wailing.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's not even legal what he did now, what he did there, okay?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's from going to work.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Going to work.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like crying.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's, it's even think about it now, like it still hurts.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just, I'm bent over.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm bent over.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's going to work.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: The chair was blue, had like a metal back, blue back, blue seat.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of them old school, like 70s chairs, okay?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Going to work.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: He stops for a second.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Tom.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I turn around.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I turn around.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: My father's standing behind me with a Polaroid.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: He takes a photo.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's tears all down my face.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: My eyes are red.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was like, alright, alright, alright, alright.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this motherfucker was pre-outcat.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was ridiculous.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's the last woman I ever got.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Last woman I ever got.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because every time I got in trouble after that, he never touched me again.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: He just had to put that photo in the fridge.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was like some Pavlov's dog shit.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like whenever I saw that photo, I was like, oh my god.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is it gonna happen again?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it was crazy.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was crazy, like to to we he and I had never talked about it.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: We had never talked about it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dad, you don't even know like why I stole the Jefferson Bucks in the first place.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I should have got in trouble.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're not supposed to steal.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: He never knew why I did it.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dad, I did it for this girl.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I did it for Natasha.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: She told on me, whatever.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: The best part of it was years, like years after that.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is probably like five years ago from today.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in Atlanta.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend from high school owns a strip club in Atlanta called Magic City.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Magic City.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Very great great wings.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we, I mean, everybody from high school, we all meet there because it's convenient.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I got a chance to tell my dad this.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dad, here's what's crazy about this whole thing.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, years later, I'm sitting at the bar in Magic City, and I have a beer in my hand, and I take a sip, and it's a girl dancing, and she's finishing up.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you, you know, have been to a place like this before.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end of a dance, you know, everybody's, you know, you collect your money, and this girl had a laundry basket, and she's like taking all her tips, and she's like putting them in a laundry basket to collect them.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then I catch a I catch a glimpse, I just catch a glimpse, and I'm sitting, I'm sitting there and I'm like, and I and I walk up and she's like finishing up, and she was kind of helping, and I go, I'm gonna need some of that.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: It took me 20 plus years, but I got that motherfucker back.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it was crazy.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to tell my dad this.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to tell my dad.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I'm like, I'm like, yo, how crazy is that?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: How crazy is that?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, huh?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you didn't hear you didn't hear none of that?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I every time I talk to my dad, he always has me on speakerphone for some reason.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: He just talks to me on speakerphone, but I can hear shit in the background.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like rummaging around.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then he just goes, got it.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what the fuck?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I found the photo.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: This whole time I'm trying to rekindle our relationship, you looking for the shit that broke us up.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that's it, guys.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Tom Bell.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Hey dad, I love you, man.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate it.