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#HURDLEMOMENT: The Biggest Mistakes We Make When Looking for a Relationship · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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Speaker 1: If you can't be comfortable in your own skin just
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Speaker 1: being who you are, that right, there is a sign like, Okay,
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Speaker 1: maybe there's some things you should be working on as
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Speaker 1: you go through this dating process, because if you're constantly
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Speaker 1: thinking about, Oh, I wonder what he likes, I wonder
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Speaker 1: what he would want me to wear? All I wonder?
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Speaker 1: You know, I hear women say that I wonder should
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Speaker 1: I do this or should he? What do he think?
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Speaker 1: If he likes it, I'll do it. But it's like, no,
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Speaker 1: what do you like? What? What makes you feel comfortable
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Speaker 1: and happy? And focus more on that?
0:45
Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, Emily about it. Here you are listening to
0:49
Speaker 2: another installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle. It has been
0:53
Speaker 2: a minute since I have a kind of ye explained,
0:56
Speaker 2: so to speak the different segments of the show. So
0:58
Speaker 2: I'm going to take a second to do that today,
1:02
Speaker 2: you know the drill. On Mondays, I'm bringing you some
1:04
Speaker 2: of my favorite long form interviews with guests that inspire me,
1:08
Speaker 2: from top CEOs to elite athletes. On Wednesdays, I bring
1:13
Speaker 2: you this Hurdle Moment series, And for Hurdle Moment, I
1:17
Speaker 2: am diving into evergreen topics.
1:19
Speaker 3: So to speak stuff that's relevant.
1:20
Speaker 2: All year long that often comes from questions I get
1:26
Speaker 2: in my DMS, things that you want to know about
1:28
Speaker 2: from the biggest takeaways I have from running nine different marathons,
1:33
Speaker 2: to how to seek out therapy and what to know
1:36
Speaker 2: before you go, all different topics in the health and
1:39
Speaker 2: wellness space. And then on Fridays, a sweet little cap
1:41
Speaker 2: off to the week, I bring you five minute Friday
1:44
Speaker 2: where I tell you a story from my week or
1:46
Speaker 2: something that's been on my mind lately, and I offer
1:49
Speaker 2: you a thought prompt, I answer listener question and I
1:51
Speaker 2: give you by highlights, my content picks, etc.
1:55
Speaker 3: And that's the hurdle rundown as of now.
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Speaker 2: Anyway, today on the show, I am chatting with Rainie Howard.
2:02
Speaker 3: She's an award winning author.
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Speaker 2: She's a relationship expert, and she helps others evolve through
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Speaker 2: lessons of love and health and entrepreneurship. We are I
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Speaker 2: never talk about dating on the show, but let's be real.
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Speaker 2: I mean your personal life, your personal wellness is just
2:19
Speaker 2: as important as your mental wellness, moving your body, you
2:23
Speaker 2: get the drill. So I decided to dabble in a
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Speaker 2: little bit of uncomfortable territory because today Rainy and I
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Speaker 2: are chatting about mistakes that we may be making when
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Speaker 2: looking for a relationship. Yep, I am going there. I'm sure,
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Speaker 2: without a doubt I have made some of these in
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Speaker 2: the past.
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Speaker 3: I would like to think that.
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Speaker 2: I've learned my fair share in the beauty that is
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Speaker 2: New York dating. But alas, I'm bringing Rainy in to
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Speaker 2: give us the lowdown to unpack these big dating mistakes.
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Speaker 2: sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social media.
4:27
Speaker 2: It's at Hurdle podcast. I'm over at Emily a body
4:30
Speaker 2: with that. Let's get to hurdling.
4:39
Speaker 3: Today.
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Speaker 2: I am chatting with Rainy Howard. She's an author, a
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Speaker 2: lifestyle and relationship expert.
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Speaker 3: How are you doing today?
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Speaker 1: I am doing amazing. Thank you so much for having
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Speaker 1: me here. It's excited. I'm excited.
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Speaker 3: I'm so excited for you to be here.
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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to read be here, and I'm excited
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Speaker 2: to get a little I guess I feel like it's
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Speaker 2: inevitable that you're going to get a little bit vulnerable,
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Speaker 2: because what you and I are talking about today is
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Speaker 2: the biggest mistakes that someone can make when looking for
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Speaker 2: a relationship. Now, obviously, Hurdle a wellness focused podcast, we
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Speaker 2: talk about all aspects of wellness, and the aspect of
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Speaker 2: wellness that we are talking about today is your personal wellness,
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Speaker 2: your relationships, your personal life. And as a single woman myself,
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Speaker 2: I'm sure that I am probably.
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Speaker 3: Making some of the mistakes that we're going to talk
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Speaker 3: about today.
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Speaker 2: So before we get into unpacking exactly what those are,
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Speaker 2: i'd love it if you can give me some background
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Speaker 2: on how you became a lifestyle and relationship expert, because
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Speaker 2: that's not something that just happens overnight.
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Speaker 1: You are so right, it doesn't, And you know what,
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Speaker 1: it was so organic the way it happened. So I
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Speaker 1: started blogging years ago, like back in twenty thirteen, and
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Speaker 1: I just start just sharing me, just being transparent about
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Speaker 1: my story and who I was. And I remember posting
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Speaker 1: about my marriage around a certain time and at the
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Speaker 1: time it was my wedding anniversary, and I shared the
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Speaker 1: story of my marriage. Being that we got married we
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Speaker 1: were young. I was twenty one, he was twenty and
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Speaker 1: I think it was at the time it was probably
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Speaker 1: twelve years of marriage when I shared it and it
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Speaker 1: went viral, reached millions of people. I showed like an
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Speaker 1: old picture of us together when we were like young,
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Speaker 1: really really really young, and then a picture of us
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Speaker 1: being married, and people was like, oh my God, you
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Speaker 1: give me so much hope, and you know, they started,
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Speaker 1: you know, it was like it was a process. I
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Speaker 1: was like, wow, I did not expect that. I did
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Speaker 1: not expect the reaction. Throughout the journey, I just got
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Speaker 1: to connect with so many people that were struggling in relationships,
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Speaker 1: and so the more I was like, okay, you know,
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Speaker 1: I would, you know, give advice. I started coaching. Then
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Speaker 1: I wrote. I started writing books, and I wrote the
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Speaker 1: first book, When God Sent my Husband, and it was
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Speaker 1: basically about my story. It was basically about how I
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Speaker 1: grew up in a single parent home. My dad wasn't
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Speaker 1: involved in my life. I was desperate for love. I
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Speaker 1: ended up getting in these different type of toxic relationships,
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Speaker 1: attracting cheaters, users, people who you know, lied to me,
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Speaker 1: people who were just all about their looks and you know,
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Speaker 1: they you know, superficial things. And so I just shared
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Speaker 1: my journey to connecting with my husband and how it was.
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Speaker 1: It was really a connection, like a spiritual, mental, emotional connection,
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Speaker 1: and it wasn't just about the physical. So after writing
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Speaker 1: that book, so many people was like, oh my god,
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Speaker 1: I needed to you know, hear this. I'm struggling this relationship,
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Speaker 1: I'm broke, we had broke up, I'm divorced. And so
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Speaker 1: that led me to write Addicted to Pain, Renew your
8:03
Speaker 1: mind and heal your spirit from a toxic relationship, because
8:07
Speaker 1: I knew people needed to heal first. It was just
8:11
Speaker 1: me learning about intuition, learning about paying attention of like
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Speaker 1: how I was treating how I was teaching people how
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Speaker 1: to treat me, you know, and how I had codependent relationships,
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Speaker 1: struggled with people pleasing and you know. And that led
8:30
Speaker 1: me to write you are enough overcoming emotionally unavailable relationships
8:35
Speaker 1: and people pleasing and it's just been a journey.
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Speaker 2: Something that you spoke about here is this concept that
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Speaker 2: it starts with you. And I'm sure that this is
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Speaker 2: probably one of the first mistakes that individuals make when
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Speaker 2: they are in a place where they think that they're
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Speaker 2: ready for the relationship right It's like they're looking for
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Speaker 2: something to complete them instead of realizing, like, hey, am
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Speaker 2: I complete as I am?
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Speaker 1: Yes, that is so key. It's just getting to that
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Speaker 1: place of really having that love and acceptance for where
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Speaker 1: you are right now and not needing another person or
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Speaker 1: needing something outside of you to be whole and healthy
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Speaker 1: and happy. And being able to do that it helps
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Speaker 1: you to maneuver through when you're dating, when you're meeting people,
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Speaker 1: to really be more clear on what it is that
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Speaker 1: resonates with you.
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Speaker 2: So important, so aside from that, starting with yourself, giving
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Speaker 2: yourself that TLC before you're trying to give some of
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Speaker 2: that out to someone else in the world. What's another
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Speaker 2: big mistake that individuals make when they're in looking for
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Speaker 2: relationship mode?
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Speaker 1: One of the biggest mistakes that a lot of people make,
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Speaker 1: and I hear it over and over and over again.
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Speaker 1: People move too fast, and they move they move with
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Speaker 1: this desperate energy, this urgency like I need to get married,
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Speaker 1: I need to have kids, I need to get Come on,
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Speaker 1: let me let me make this dat and app work.
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Speaker 1: Let's get it. Let's you know, and it becomes a
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Speaker 1: task and a job, and they just start doing all
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Speaker 1: this action and putting all this effort into it, and
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Speaker 1: they're disconnected emotionally and spiritually and mentally, and they miss
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Speaker 1: the red flags and everything else because they move too fast,
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Speaker 1: you know, and they like, oh my god, we have
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Speaker 1: the most wonderful date. So this is going to be
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Speaker 1: my husband. I already know, you know. It's like flow
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Speaker 1: the house, slow down.
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Speaker 2: I totally hear you, and I think where some of
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Speaker 2: the maybe confusion is the right word. Maybe it's the
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Speaker 2: wrong word, but people get confused because in this I
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Speaker 2: don't want to move too fast, but I also want
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Speaker 2: to be honest phase that I feel like a lot
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Speaker 2: of my friends are in. It's like I'm not trying
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Speaker 2: to get married tomorrow, but I want to know where
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Speaker 2: this guy stands about having kids, or where do you
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Speaker 2: want to live? Or where do you see yourself in
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Speaker 2: ten years? So on the speed of relationship front, when
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Speaker 2: is someone supposed to ask those kinds of questions? Then
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Speaker 2: if you're trying not to move too fast, but you
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Speaker 2: want to be upfront with where you're at, yeah, you.
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Speaker 1: Know, that's a good question. I think you know, it's
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Speaker 1: really about the alignment and connecting. You know, how have
11:27
Speaker 1: you ever had this issue where maybe somebody, a friend
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Speaker 1: of yours, a family member, they did something that got
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Speaker 1: to you and made you upset. You and you was
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Speaker 1: upset at that moment, but you knew you needed to
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Speaker 1: wait a while before you said something. It's kind of
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Speaker 1: like when you're dating someone and you really want to
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Speaker 1: ask that question, like do you want to be married?
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Speaker 1: But it doesn't seem like it's the right energy yet.
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Speaker 1: Allow yourself to be okay with having that question, and
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Speaker 1: as the as the mood presents itself, go ahead and
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Speaker 1: let it be a natural question. But if it's like
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Speaker 1: in the very being, hey, so when do you want
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Speaker 1: to get married? Do you see yourself married? It's kind
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Speaker 1: of like, you know, you could kind of feel off,
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Speaker 1: or they can feel off cause it's like are we talking?
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Speaker 1: Are we there yet? You know.
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Speaker 2: Totally, I totally get that because I was on a
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Speaker 2: date a few weeks back and on the day I
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Speaker 2: was sitting there and it just felt like a straight interview.
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Speaker 2: It felt like the tables were turned and he was
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Speaker 2: the one that was asking me marriage, kids, blah blah blah,
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Speaker 2: and I was just like I left that date and
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Speaker 2: I was like, I don't know if I was into
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Speaker 2: this guy, but I definitely feel like I just applied
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Speaker 2: for like my dream job or something.
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Speaker 1: Exactly exactly, And really what the goal is is to
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Speaker 1: really get to just know the person and feel fel
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Speaker 1: the person, feel them energy emotionally, like feel who they
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Speaker 1: are energetically, you know, versus just you know what's on
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Speaker 1: paper and what their goals are, because we have goals
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Speaker 1: and we have things that we want to do. But
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Speaker 1: at the same time, you know, be present with each
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Speaker 1: other in the moment and like, is this a person
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Speaker 1: that I can be comfortable with? And I always tell
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Speaker 1: people to focus on building a friendship even in dating,
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Speaker 1: Like can I be friends? Can we enjoy each other?
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Speaker 1: Can we go hiking together? Can we you know, take
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Speaker 1: walks together and really enjoy each other? What makes us laugh?
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Speaker 1: Do we enjoy watching the same shows or have kind
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Speaker 1: of the same sense of humor? Just really focus more
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Speaker 1: on the friendship because really that's the foundation of a
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Speaker 1: long relationship. And I'm happy to say that me and
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Speaker 1: my husband will be celebrating eighteen years of marriage coming up,
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Speaker 1: and I know, throughout all the years we've been together,
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Speaker 1: our friendship is the key to like, no matter what's
14:12
Speaker 1: going on, I'm still having fun with my friend, you
14:16
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And that makes a big difference.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure.
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Speaker 2: And I think something else we're getting out here is
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Speaker 2: probably another mistake that individuals make when looking for a
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Speaker 2: relationship is that they're not focused on feeling out what
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Speaker 2: this person's values are, what their true self is. They
14:34
Speaker 2: could be caught up in like perhaps like the glitz
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Speaker 2: and the glamor of whether it be a job title
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Speaker 2: or who this person knows, or maybe like where this
14:42
Speaker 2: person lives, or creating this own story that has actually
14:46
Speaker 2: nothing to do with who that person is.
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Speaker 3: Can you talk to me a little bit about that.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that gets in the way. It does all of
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Speaker 1: the titles and all this story. And like you said,
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Speaker 1: we create these stories and also create a vision. So
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Speaker 1: it's like, and I think women do this more so
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Speaker 1: than men, but we have this vision of how we
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Speaker 1: see things being and what we want it to be,
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Speaker 1: and when things go against that vision, that can cause
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Speaker 1: us to be upset and frustrated. And you're like, Okay,
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Speaker 1: I thought we were here and this is not where
15:22
Speaker 1: it's going. So I think it's best to really accept
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Speaker 1: people for where they are and who they are in
15:29
Speaker 1: that moment, and not try to create some type of
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Speaker 1: vision for them or for the relationship, but to take
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Speaker 1: it one moment at a time, one day at a time,
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Speaker 1: and just allow them to be who they are and
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Speaker 1: accept that. And if that's something you see yourself with,
15:46
Speaker 1: then continue it. But I think as you accept people
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Speaker 1: more for who they are and where they are, it
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Speaker 1: gives you that information on whether or not you want
15:57
Speaker 1: to continue in that relationship.
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Speaker 2: And what's important here is just asking yourself if it
16:04
Speaker 2: is something that you want to continue in.
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Speaker 3: Again, in this idea of us getting.
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Speaker 2: Like so wrapped up in the story, sometimes we get
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Speaker 2: a little bit more concerned about how something might look
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Speaker 2: than asking yourself, like, am I actually in this because
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Speaker 2: I want to be in this?
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Speaker 3: Or am I in this because I feel like I
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Speaker 3: should be.
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Speaker 1: That is so good and you're so right, because it
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Speaker 1: clouds our vision of what it is we really want.
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Speaker 1: Because we're constantly feeding ourselves this story in the vision
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Speaker 1: that we have, it clouds the truth of what it
16:38
Speaker 1: really is.
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Speaker 2: So what's another major mistake that individuals make when seeking
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Speaker 2: out a relationship?
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Speaker 1: Another major mistake, I would say is settling. You know,
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Speaker 1: I think a lot of times we settle because of
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Speaker 1: other things, other situations. Oh I'm getting older, or I
17:02
Speaker 1: want to have kids, I want this person has this,
17:05
Speaker 1: but there are some other issues they may have, you
17:09
Speaker 1: know X, you know, problems with their ex still coming
17:13
Speaker 1: and going and situations like that. But you know, I'm
17:17
Speaker 1: going to overlook that. I'm going to tolerate it instead
17:21
Speaker 1: of really owning what resonates with you and what's best
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Speaker 1: for you. You know, you let it go, and so you settle,
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Speaker 1: and then it builds up and it builds up, and
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Speaker 1: eventually there's a big blowout because it's like I should
17:35
Speaker 1: have addressed this, but now it's you know, it's gotten
17:39
Speaker 1: too far.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's not something that we want to happen here,
17:43
Speaker 2: And asking you just now, what's another mistake that individuals
17:47
Speaker 2: make who are seeking a relationship. I kind of had
17:49
Speaker 2: a flag pop up in my own head because so
17:52
Speaker 2: often we hear this piece of advice that's like you
17:55
Speaker 2: shouldn't be looking for it, Like if you're looking for it,
17:59
Speaker 2: then leadi.
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Speaker 3: But is that true?
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Speaker 2: Like can someone be searching for a relationship like I
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Speaker 2: don't think it's bad to be someone who is actively,
18:10
Speaker 2: you know, trying to put themselves out there, whether it
18:12
Speaker 2: be by being more present and in the moment when
18:16
Speaker 2: you're walking around the street.
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Speaker 3: So perhaps even like scrolling through a dating app.
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Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, I think you should always be open for
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Speaker 1: it and aware for aware and open you know when
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Speaker 1: it comes to I think some people get wrapped up
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Speaker 1: in the oh, you shouldn't be looking for it because
18:35
Speaker 1: it's more like it seems like you're trying to force something,
18:39
Speaker 1: or you're trying to make something or control something, you know,
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Speaker 1: make it happen the way you want it. So I
18:46
Speaker 1: think the best thing to do is to always be
18:48
Speaker 1: open for it. You want love, show that you're open,
18:51
Speaker 1: because if you're not, if you closed off, if you
18:53
Speaker 1: have that energy of just I'm closed off, that guy
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Speaker 1: is gonna feel that he's gonna pick that up and like, hmm,
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Speaker 1: she may not be available, you know, because because I
19:05
Speaker 1: could feel if you know, I'm really not, I don't
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Speaker 1: not bob, don't bother me today or whatever, you know.
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Speaker 1: So I think it's it's really good to always have
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Speaker 1: that open like oh, wonder that wondering, like, oh, I
19:19
Speaker 1: wonder what could be you know, and just being open
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Speaker 1: for love and not so clothes.
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Speaker 2: in on the Athletic Greens game today. And what about
22:10
Speaker 2: the way that we're presenting ourselves. Let's talk a little
22:14
Speaker 2: bit about that, whether it be how you show up
22:17
Speaker 2: to a date or perhaps maybe the things that you're
22:20
Speaker 2: putting out there on social media. Obviously like two very
22:23
Speaker 2: different topics. So let's start with how you're showing up
22:26
Speaker 2: to a date.
22:28
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so how you show up to a date
22:32
Speaker 1: really try your best to be you. That's because you
22:36
Speaker 1: want you want them to know who you are and
22:39
Speaker 1: be you fully. You know, you don't have to get
22:42
Speaker 1: all extra made up and all of that. You know,
22:46
Speaker 1: you can just in all. I'm getting dressed up, I'm
22:49
Speaker 1: putting on my like I do when I go out
22:51
Speaker 1: and have a girl's day or whatever. I'm not you know,
22:55
Speaker 1: being all extra about it, you know, and just be
22:58
Speaker 1: who you are and enjoy yourself. I think if you
23:02
Speaker 1: can't be comfortable in your own skin just being who
23:06
Speaker 1: you are, that right, there is a sign like okay,
23:11
Speaker 1: maybe there's some things you should be working on as
23:14
Speaker 1: you go through this dating process, because if you're constantly
23:17
Speaker 1: thinking about, Oh, I wonder what he likes. I wonder
23:19
Speaker 1: what he would want me to wear. I wonder you know,
23:21
Speaker 1: I hear women say that I wonder should I do this?
23:24
Speaker 1: Or should will he what do he think? If he
23:26
Speaker 1: likes it, I'll do it. But it's like, no, what
23:28
Speaker 1: do you like? What what makes you feel comfortable and happy?
23:32
Speaker 1: And focus more on that.
23:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really special to be able to be yourself.
23:37
Speaker 2: And it's just such an important point to reiterate here.
23:39
Speaker 2: It's just like, if you're trying to be something because
23:42
Speaker 2: you feel like that's something that they would want, like,
23:45
Speaker 2: you're gonna get lost, You're gonna lose yourself and that's
23:48
Speaker 2: just not something that you want for a for a
23:51
Speaker 2: lifetime partnership at all. And then to the topic of
23:54
Speaker 2: social media, what mistakes are people making there? I mean,
23:57
Speaker 2: I'm sure there are plenty of them when it comes
24:00
Speaker 2: to dating.
24:01
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well, first of all, you don't want to
24:05
Speaker 1: always be the eye candy because if you're men not
24:09
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you, men like to look at eye
24:11
Speaker 1: candy and they love to see you, know, your body
24:16
Speaker 1: but don't make that become who you are. That's not
24:21
Speaker 1: it's not just it's not just who you are. So
24:25
Speaker 1: you know, some people they just they post the eye
24:28
Speaker 1: candy stuff and then they overdo it. So just be
24:31
Speaker 1: aware of that because what impression, what imaging and what
24:36
Speaker 1: it could be same what messages it could be sending
24:40
Speaker 1: to men as you're dating, you know, right, So be
24:43
Speaker 1: aware of that with social media. And another thing with
24:46
Speaker 1: social media, just keep your personal drama off. You know,
24:50
Speaker 1: some people like to post things when they're upset and
24:53
Speaker 1: they can have a back and forth thing on social media.
24:56
Speaker 1: Twitter is the space where a lot of people like
24:58
Speaker 1: to go back and forth. But just you know, don't come.
25:03
Speaker 1: Don't allow your emotional pain be seen on social media.
25:10
Speaker 1: Do that in your inner healing work, when you're by yourself,
25:14
Speaker 1: when you're with your therapist, when you're meditating, when you're exercise,
25:18
Speaker 1: you know, clear yourself and don't put it out there
25:22
Speaker 1: for the world because everyone don't need to see your pain.
25:26
Speaker 1: Everyone can't handle seeing your pain, especially when they're just
25:31
Speaker 1: getting to know you.
25:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I can see that.
25:35
Speaker 2: I think there's I think there's value in vulnerability, but
25:38
Speaker 2: I think there's that's your vulnerability to show and not
25:41
Speaker 2: necessarily like airing out somebody else's dirty laundry. It can
25:45
Speaker 2: be super easy to show up to your social media
25:48
Speaker 2: accounts and feel some kind of way and be compelled
25:51
Speaker 2: to share. But something I go back to time and
25:53
Speaker 2: time again is back in the day when I had,
25:56
Speaker 2: you know, one employer, I would ask myself, like, is
25:58
Speaker 2: this something that I would want my employer to see?
26:00
Speaker 3: And if the answer is no, or maybe like your parents, like,
26:03
Speaker 3: if the.
26:04
Speaker 2: Answer is no, then like ask yourself, like, should I
26:06
Speaker 2: be putting this out into the world.
26:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, because really people are taking it and they're judging.
26:12
Speaker 1: They're saying, that's you, and that's even if you was
26:14
Speaker 1: having a bad day, that's not who you are. You know,
26:17
Speaker 1: you may have some frustration, you may be angry, you
26:20
Speaker 1: may say some mean things, but that's not who you are.
26:23
Speaker 1: So you don't have to create a snapshot for the
26:27
Speaker 1: world to see this is what you went through, because
26:31
Speaker 1: then they'll believe that's who you are. That's how people
26:33
Speaker 1: look at things when you're really more than that, you know,
26:37
Speaker 1: and so you don't want to be judged based off
26:40
Speaker 1: of those things. So just be aware that you're being
26:43
Speaker 1: judged based off of what you post and publish on
26:47
Speaker 1: social media, and people are they're looking at it and
26:51
Speaker 1: they're seeing it as you your character. This is who you.
26:55
Speaker 3: Are, I've got to ask.
26:57
Speaker 2: I know we hear people like kind of throw ranges
27:00
Speaker 2: around all the time and put like arbitrary numbers on this.
27:05
Speaker 2: But the three date rule, I'm not here saying it's
27:11
Speaker 2: a good thing or a bad thing. I'm also I mean,
27:15
Speaker 2: I'll be the first person who admit that I don't
27:17
Speaker 2: believe in like giving it up right away. But when
27:20
Speaker 2: it comes to intimacy in dating, is there a right
27:24
Speaker 2: or wrong way or is it just a vibe? Like
27:26
Speaker 2: do you have to feel it out? Is tell us
27:29
Speaker 2: give us the answers.
27:31
Speaker 1: Definitely, you want to fill it out, you don't want
27:34
Speaker 1: it should never just be about the physical and you
27:38
Speaker 1: want to take your time. One of the things with
27:41
Speaker 1: intimacy you really connect your spirit, your emotions, your mind.
27:49
Speaker 1: You just understand everything that's getting involved. Right now. It
27:53
Speaker 1: is no longer you know, we're just having drinks and
27:58
Speaker 1: hanging out. You're now connecting more of yourself to this person.
28:03
Speaker 1: So I think people should just be aware, is this
28:07
Speaker 1: person ready for you, for more of you, for your mind, body,
28:11
Speaker 1: and spirit, your emotions. Are they ready for all of
28:15
Speaker 1: that and what comes with that? Because that's a gift.
28:18
Speaker 1: You are a gift. You are sacred. You are sacred
28:22
Speaker 1: spiritual being. And so when you look at yourself that
28:26
Speaker 1: way and you know who you are, you're like, I'm
28:30
Speaker 1: more than this. So you know, I always tell people
28:34
Speaker 1: you know there are certain things, like, for instance, that
28:38
Speaker 1: you value. So here's a scenario. You know, my trash
28:43
Speaker 1: can I could take a bag of trash and put
28:46
Speaker 1: it on the sidewalk and not care what happens to it.
28:49
Speaker 1: Somebody's gonna pick it up and throw it away or whatever.
28:52
Speaker 1: I don't care. It has no value to me. It's
28:55
Speaker 1: a bag of trash. Now would I take my diamond
28:58
Speaker 1: wedding ring off and put it on the sidewalk and
29:00
Speaker 1: walk away? No, because it has more value. So when
29:05
Speaker 1: things have more value to you, your intimacy, your soul,
29:09
Speaker 1: your spirit, your connection with someone, you don't want to
29:14
Speaker 1: just be careless with it. You want to really honor
29:18
Speaker 1: it in a way that it is valuable. It's precious
29:21
Speaker 1: to you, and it's not something you're just willing to
29:24
Speaker 1: just throw away, you know, and so just being aware
29:29
Speaker 1: of how much that means when you do open yourself
29:33
Speaker 1: up to be intimate with someone, and knowing if that
29:36
Speaker 1: person can really truly handle that sacrecy of you.
29:41
Speaker 2: I certainly come from that mindset for sure. I also
29:45
Speaker 2: have girlfriends who admittedly may have been intimate with their
29:49
Speaker 2: now husband pretty quickly and somehow it managed to work
29:55
Speaker 2: out for them.
29:55
Speaker 1: I have I fixed. I've heard the same. I have
29:57
Speaker 1: a close friend and say the same thing.
30:01
Speaker 2: Are remissing anything here in terms of mistakes that we
30:04
Speaker 2: often make when seeking out a relationship.
30:07
Speaker 1: A lot of times people are and this is this
30:11
Speaker 1: is happening a lot the emotional unavailable relationships where they
30:18
Speaker 1: you have these dates, you have these fun, you know,
30:21
Speaker 1: this fun with this person, and then you go a
30:24
Speaker 1: week or two without even talking to them. They don't call,
30:28
Speaker 1: they don't reach out, You text them that, you don't
30:31
Speaker 1: hear anything, and then they pop up a few weeks
30:34
Speaker 1: later and like, hey, let's get together. Really be that's
30:39
Speaker 1: a big red flag. I just want to say that
30:42
Speaker 1: I and I really want people to know that they
30:44
Speaker 1: don't have to allow their lives to be this revolving
30:49
Speaker 1: door where people come and go as they please, and
30:52
Speaker 1: and you know, they get so wrapped up in these
30:55
Speaker 1: relationships and they allow people in and out as it's
30:59
Speaker 1: coming it for the other person that does something to you.
31:03
Speaker 1: And so be aware when you're dating and when you're
31:06
Speaker 1: meeting people, these people that want to come and go.
31:10
Speaker 1: You got to cut that off. You really put that
31:13
Speaker 1: off and be aware of that because it's very common
31:16
Speaker 1: today and people call it, Oh, I was ghost. They
31:19
Speaker 1: talk about being ghost and you know, I call this person,
31:22
Speaker 1: we had so much fun. Then they just ghost me.
31:25
Speaker 1: They didn't call back, they didn't respond, and then they'll
31:28
Speaker 1: hear from them down the line a month or two later.
31:32
Speaker 2: I think a big part of that oftentimes is that
31:35
Speaker 2: we think, well, like maybe they had something going on.
31:37
Speaker 2: You try to give that person the benefit of the doubt, right,
31:40
Speaker 2: But I go back always to that saying, which is
31:43
Speaker 2: like when someone shows you who they are the first time,
31:46
Speaker 2: believe them. And it's hard because again it goes back
31:49
Speaker 2: to that idea of like you want someone sometimes to
31:52
Speaker 2: play a role. But it takes a really big person
31:55
Speaker 2: to accept the facts that there are going to be
31:57
Speaker 2: people that come into your life and they play a
32:00
Speaker 2: role that maybe you didn't want them to and that's okay, exactly.
32:04
Speaker 2: We've covered so much ground here, so many amazing takeaways
32:09
Speaker 2: from this conversation. The last tidbit here for the woman
32:13
Speaker 2: that really has been scorned, she is like, I feel
32:18
Speaker 2: like this is never ending. I keep going on all
32:21
Speaker 2: these dates and none of them are leading to love,
32:24
Speaker 2: and like, is it me? She's asking all these questions,
32:26
Speaker 2: like what advice do you have for her on her
32:29
Speaker 2: quest to find that right kind of love?
32:32
Speaker 1: If you're dealing with this, whoever's listening right now, I
32:35
Speaker 1: just want to encourage you to know that it's never
32:40
Speaker 1: too late and you never need to stop pursuing your
32:45
Speaker 1: idea of real love. So I want to say that
32:48
Speaker 1: because it can feel like, oh, this is just exhausting.
32:52
Speaker 1: I'm ready to give up. I've heard so many women
32:54
Speaker 1: they tell me I've given up on love, I've given
32:58
Speaker 1: up on trying to find love, and it really and
33:01
Speaker 1: I always say, you know what, I really don't want
33:04
Speaker 1: to encourage you to ever give up on love, because
33:09
Speaker 1: you are deserving of love. And I think the more
33:12
Speaker 1: that you learn to give that love to yourself, that
33:17
Speaker 1: care to yourself and really just bask in the love
33:23
Speaker 1: and appreciation of life and all that's around you. You
33:28
Speaker 1: will attract loving relationships, friendships, you know, partner, if that's
33:33
Speaker 1: what you really desire. And I think sometimes it may
33:38
Speaker 1: feel like I'm ready to give I'm so tired, I'm
33:41
Speaker 1: so exhausted because you've given so much out and you
33:45
Speaker 1: feel depleted. And that's just a sign that is time
33:47
Speaker 1: for you to be filled up, because you've been pouring
33:50
Speaker 1: out so much of you trying to, you know, connect
33:54
Speaker 1: with that right one and be accepted. And now it's
33:57
Speaker 1: time for you to receive love, you know, because a
34:00
Speaker 1: lot of times we deplete ourselves just from you know,
34:05
Speaker 1: the dates and the calls and I'm trying. I really
34:09
Speaker 1: like this person, it didn't work out, And I found
34:11
Speaker 1: somebody else I liked them, and it didn't work out.
34:14
Speaker 1: And I think it's just so important that you now
34:18
Speaker 1: give love to yourself and allow yourself to receive more
34:21
Speaker 1: love and abundance love where you're overflowing, and that connection
34:27
Speaker 1: would be just an icing on the cake, just added
34:31
Speaker 1: bonus to what you already have.
34:34
Speaker 3: I love that piece of advice. I love that piece
34:36
Speaker 3: of advice.
34:37
Speaker 2: I'm sure this is something that you certainly get into
34:40
Speaker 2: in your book.
34:41
Speaker 3: I know it's coming out in September. SIS.
34:43
Speaker 2: Be Nicer to Yourself, So Rainy, thank you so much.
34:47
Speaker 2: How do the hurdlers follow along with you? How do
34:49
Speaker 2: they keep up with you? For more advice? Give me
34:52
Speaker 2: your information.
34:53
Speaker 1: Yes, I would love to stay connected with you guys.
34:57
Speaker 1: Join me. My website is real Love dot com so
35:01
Speaker 1: you can find all of my books and resources at
35:04
Speaker 1: real Love Exists dot com and yes, my new books
35:07
Speaker 1: cis Be Nicer to yourself. It's all about overcoming self
35:12
Speaker 1: sabotage and codependency relationships. You can get that at SIS.
35:17
Speaker 1: Be Nicer to Yourself dot com. Connect with me on
35:20
Speaker 1: social media Instagram, Facebook at Rainy Howard.
35:24
Speaker 3: I love it.
35:24
Speaker 2: I'm over at Emiliaia Body and Hurdle podcast Another Hurdle Concord.
35:29
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time