Latest / The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For / A Seat at the Table Pt. 2

Transcript

A Seat at the Table Pt. 2 · The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For

0:00
If I have to beg for a seat, I'm clearly at the wrong table.
0:03
So today's episode is for anyone who realized the table wasn't
0:06
the problem, the guest list was. You guys, welcome back to the
0:24
opinion you didn't ask for. I'm Hannah and I had an
0:29
encounter when we first moved that really, I think shaped and
0:37
changed how I view friendships and how I think friendships have
0:43
gone from being these wholesome, genuine things to almost like
0:48
business deals, almost like contracts.
0:52
And that you, you know, you want to make a friend because you're
0:56
trying to climb this social ladder, right?
1:00
So we first moved here and we were at my son's T-ball game and
1:07
it was the wife of the coach of the team we were playing
1:11
against. After the game, I went up to her
1:15
to talk about something that had happened in the game and we were
1:19
just laughing and, and talking. And our boys are the same age
1:22
and obviously interested in the same sports.
1:25
And our husbands were both coaches.
1:27
So they obviously had similar enough interests, which, you
1:31
know, can be hard when you're trying to form friendships.
1:34
You want your spouse and their spouse to get along so that you
1:38
want to get together and do things.
1:40
And it just makes it honestly more fun.
1:42
And so, you know, we're laughing and she brings up we should have
1:46
a play date. And I'm like, wow, this is
1:48
amazing. Like my first, my first mom
1:51
friend here, I get her number, I get her name and I text her
1:59
after about, you know, The funny thing that we were joking about
2:01
that happened during the game and and I thought like, well, we
2:04
are going to be friends. Well, I do what anyone does in
2:10
the world that we live in today. And so I try looking her up on
2:13
Instagram and I couldn't find her at 1st.
2:18
And then I come to find out I had completely spelled her name
2:21
wrong. And this girl has hundreds of
2:26
thousands of followers. And I'm, I'm like, oh, OK, of
2:34
course she does. You know what I mean?
2:35
Like, of of course she's an influencer, right?
2:39
That's just, I feel like you throw a rock and you hit ten of
2:42
them at this point, right? And there's micro influencers,
2:45
there's the, you know, the big time, there's celebrities who
2:49
make more being influencers. So they would rather be
2:51
influencers than celebrities, you know, all of that.
2:53
Now influencers basically are celebrities.
2:55
It's a hot mess over here. So I'm like, oh boy, you know,
2:59
but OK, like we got along. She's the one that brought up
3:01
having a play date. You know, it's, it's no big
3:04
deal. So I text her and she responds
3:08
once and then I message her. And I didn't want it to be
3:13
awkward because I'm sure in her lifestyle and in her world,
3:19
she's used to people recognizing her.
3:21
She's used to people knowing her name.
3:24
And I had no clue who this girl was.
3:25
I had never heard of her before. And so, I mean, I literally
3:29
spelled her name wrong in my phone because she did not spell
3:32
it for me. So I was just winging it,
3:35
totally spelled it wrong. So I didn't want it to be
3:38
awkward and have her think, oh, she's just someone that follows
3:42
me that wants to pretend to be my friend.
3:44
You know, I am not like that. I do not care if you have
3:47
400,000 followers or four. I just don't care.
3:50
It's the kind of person you are, right?
3:52
That's the kind of people I'm looking for.
3:54
And so I text her and I was like, I did not realize you're a
4:00
celebrity and I also didn't know you were pregnant.
4:03
Congrats, you know, because she had announced on her social
4:06
medias that they were expecting another kid.
4:09
And so I was like, OK, this is like a good gap bridging
4:12
situation to be like, hey, I wasn't following you.
4:14
I did not know who you were. I guess try to have it not be
4:18
awkward or have her think that I wasn't being genuine and then
4:22
congratulating her on this thing.
4:24
And she texts me back. She's like, no, not at all.
4:27
Haha. Like I'm not famous.
4:29
And then thanks, you know, so much.
4:30
Whatever. So here I am thinking like OK,
4:33
like she wants to be my friend. We've gotten this out of the
4:36
way. Like we're going to have play
4:37
dates, we're going to do all this stuff.
4:39
So I did what normal people do when they make new mom friends
4:43
and they are planning to have play dates and I follow her on
4:45
Instagram and she doesn't follow me back, which was totally fine.
4:49
I was like, OK, maybe she's, you know, picky.
4:51
Maybe it's more of one of those like I'll get to know you.
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We'll hang out a few times before I decide.
4:55
I don't know, whatever. So a few weeks go by and I
5:01
texted her and to see if she wanted to do a play date and she
5:04
did not respond. And so then I'm like OK almost 2
5:09
weeks later she texts me back and was like we're going to be
5:11
out of town but we should get the boys together next week.
5:16
So I'm like OK this girl keeps acting like she wants to be my
5:19
friend. She keeps acting like she wants
5:20
to do a play date, like she keeps giving that vibe.
5:24
And I get she probably has a lot of people messaging her.
5:27
A lot of people probably want her time.
5:29
I get it. You know, I am not one of those
5:30
people that needs to see you all day every day.
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We can plan a play date for three weeks from now.
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I'll probably end up cancelling because I just I make plans and
5:39
then I want to cancel. And that is a that's a problem I
5:42
have. But I was like, OK, I can do
5:44
that kind of a friendship, right?
5:46
So then I text her a week later to get together.
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No reply. I would like reply sometimes on
5:52
her story about her son doing, you know, something.
5:55
And no, no response, no acknowledgement, nothing.
5:59
And immediately I started to put myself down.
6:05
I was like, I am not, I'm not pretty enough.
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I am not, you know, thin enough. I still have all this baby
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weight to lose. You know we're not wealthy
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enough for her group setting. I don't have enough followers
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for her to want to invest her time into me and I start tearing
6:24
myself apart. I am putting myself down to
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justify why this girl doesn't want to be my friend.
6:31
Why did I do that? My worth is not in.
6:35
If this girl wants to be my friend, that is not how God sees
6:39
me. He's like she didn't want to be
6:40
friends with you, you must be a rotten egg like should have
6:44
thrown you out. Like no, that is not how your
6:47
worth works is if someone deems you worthy to spend time with
6:51
and deems you worthy of their attention and their friendship.
6:56
I I still to the say don't know why or what it is, but it
7:01
doesn't matter. Like my worth was not less than
7:05
because she did not want to invest in being friends with me.
7:09
But it kind of made me spiral into this.
7:11
I spiral a lot, you guys, a lot. I spiraled into this realization
7:16
that I think social media is ruining friendships.
7:21
I think it is ruining the way people make connections.
7:25
Because back in the day, how do people make friends with their
7:29
neighbors, with the kids from school's parents or dance or
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sports or church or the gym, right?
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Like you became friends with people who were in the same
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circles, who were doing the same activities, who were spending
7:46
their time and energy in the same ways you were spending your
7:50
time and energy. And that is how you made
7:53
friendships. That's how you made connections.
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Back in the 80s and 90s, they were all speed walking down.
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I mean, we've seen The Goldbergs, K, They were all
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speed walking down and doing their little gossiping and their
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kids were friends and all was great.
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And I think that we've lost that ability because we see all of
8:11
these influencers and we think I want to be like them.
8:15
I want that status. I want a seat at their table.
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And there are a lot of people who are willing to do a lot of
8:22
things to get a seat at those tables.
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But what if the table that you're jealous of is just full
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of actors? What if it's just full of
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influencers being paid to be at these tables that look so grand
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and glorious and wonderful? But would those people invite
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those pretend friends to their friends givings?
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Would those people give them a seat at their real tables?
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Not the virtual tables that are being presented to us all day,
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every day of how amazing these people's lives are and how you
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should want to be like them and live like them.
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But they're genuine tables. The tables they have in their
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homes with no cameras, with no video, with no posts that need
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to be put out, no paid sponsorships, Who are the people
9:11
they would have at their home? And do we even know the answer
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to that? Because all we see are the
9:17
virtual tables that they are all a part of, that they make seem
9:21
so good and that you're just an outsider on these tables that
9:25
there there is a world that you don't get to live within.
9:29
And so it made me realize, do I want some of the things I want
9:33
in life because I actually want it because I think it would be
9:37
best for me, for our family? Or do I want it because someone
9:41
told me I should want it? Do I want to go to this school
9:47
or do I want to live in this state?
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Or do I want to buy this product because it's something I've
9:52
actually wanted or because someone told me I needed it?
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And that almost mental gaslighting has made me like, I
10:00
am nothing without this, right? For example, this influencer
10:04
that I have followed for years, and this is not bashing
10:06
influencers. I feel like I have to say that
10:07
every episode, but man, it is just the world we live in.
10:10
I'm not bashing influencers. I get that they have a job to do
10:13
and man, do they do it well. But this girl that I followed
10:16
for a while, she's very, you know, I want to say down to
10:20
earth. I don't know if I can say that
10:21
about most of them because them and their Gucci sunglasses and
10:25
Louis Vuitton bags, Kate, it's not given down to earth vibes,
10:28
but you know, more down to earth than some people.
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And she's a wife and a mom. And I always think she's dressed
10:36
so cute. And so she would post outfits
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and remember she posted this outfit once with these Adidas
10:42
Sambas and I was like, wow, those are so cute.
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I would love those. And she would always be posting
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in them over and over. And I kept seeing it, right?
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Because it's what we're consuming.
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It's how we are spending our time.
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So here I am. And every time she'd post these
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outfits, these sambas were in this picture or video.
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And I convinced myself that I needed them, that I would love
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them. And they were pricey.
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But of course, they were because an influencer is selling them.
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Heaven forbid they be on sale or, you know, a dupe.
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But my husband bought them for me for, I don't know, a holiday,
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my birthday, Christmas, something along those lines.
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And I was so excited. And then they got here and I put
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them on and I immediately hated them but I did not say a word to
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my husband about how much I hated them because I had nagged
11:34
him a little bit for them and how great they were and how cute
11:37
they were and how I could wear them with so many different
11:39
outfits. It's honestly embarrassing at
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this point. And I remember putting them on
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and they hurt and they squeaked and I was Googling if it was
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normal for them to do that while brand new and if it would go
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away. But I was not about to admit
11:56
that I had been bamboozled. OK?
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I was not about to admit that. And so they sat on on my shelf,
12:04
my shoe shelf. They just sat there for months.
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And every now and then he beg, are you going to wear those?
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I'm like, oh, yeah, sure. Like, not today, but one of
12:13
these days I sure will. I don't leave the house enough
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to put shoes on. OK, dear.
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Like leave the shoes where they are.
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They are a beautiful decoration at this point.
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And so then I started being like, I need new, I need some
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shoes and I can't wear those, but I can't tell them I can't
12:28
wear those. So in my mind I was like, if I
12:30
sell them on Facebook marketplace, I can use that
12:32
money to buy myself a different pair of shoes that I will
12:35
actually wear. Short story long, I did that.
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Definitely lost money on the whole deal because no one was
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going to pay what we paid brand new full price for these gently
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worn glorified bowling shoes that were just treacherous.
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And I bought myself a pair of cheaper Adidas.
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Shout out to Adidas I guess that were way less. 100 times cuter,
13:02
100 times more comfortable. And I wear all the time and I
13:07
love them and no one influenced me to buy them.
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I did my own little research. I looked my own shoes up and
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found what works for me, what was best for me.
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And you're probably thinking, oh, she learned wrong.
13:21
So then this same influencer you guys I probably should unfollow
13:26
her like. And I have.
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I have gone through multiple phases where I will unfollow
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certain social media people if I feel like they are no longer
13:36
filling my cup. If I feel like that is not a
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table I want to be a part of anymore, I will bow out.
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I have no shame in that. This girl is not one of those.
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But I'm starting to think maybe she should be just for me.
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I maybe I just need some self-control, which I usually
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have just apparently not with her.
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And she has millions of followers.
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She was doing this collab with this very known jewelry company.
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And I took a screenshot of this necklace that was going to be in
14:03
her her lineup. And I loved this necklace.
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I thought it was the cutest necklace, so simple and elegant,
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but also could be dressed up, dressed down, you know, And I
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screenshot it and I held onto it for months.
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And obviously when it first went live, everyone's selling it out
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because that's what they do. They build up this hype of how
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exclusive this is and you need this.
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And, you know, once it's gone, it's gone.
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No, they definitely restock. It's fine.
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And so I, I watched these necklaces go.
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And then of course, they come back and they come back and they
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come back. They're never actually out of
14:40
stock. And so for my birthday this
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year, I told my husband. I said hey, I've had this
14:45
screenshot at four months. I love this necklace.
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I have not worn necklaces since my daughter Blake was a baby
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because she ripped a necklace off of my neck once we paid to
14:58
get it refixed, put it back on, and the day we picked it up from
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the jewelry repair place, she yanked it off and broke it
15:07
again. And I was like, that's it.
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I am done. I will not be wearing necklaces
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till I am done having kids apparently.
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So you know, my baby turned 2 and so I felt like I am now
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getting in the stage of I can wear necklaces again.
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So I sent him this necklace and I was like, I know it's a little
15:23
expensive, but this is the only thing I want.
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Like it's so cute and I love it and it was in stock and
15:29
everything. I had made sure it wasn't sold
15:30
out when I send it to him. And, and so he goes like, OK,
15:33
you know, and he's looking it up and all of a sudden he starts
15:38
sending me these links for Etsy accounts.
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And he's like, do you want to look at these and tell me, you
15:45
know, if you would consider one of these?
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And he had found a necklace that was identical, identical to the
15:54
one that this influencer and this very well known jewelry
15:59
brand had collabed on for about half the price.
16:05
And the quality was way better. The one that the influencer was
16:10
selling was gold plated, which is basically bad.
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It will tarnish, it will start to look bad.
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You cannot shower in it. You you know, you can't wear it
16:20
long term kind of a thing. Not great quality for a high
16:24
price point. And this necklace he had found
16:27
was gold filled, which is the second to best layer.
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The next one would be full gold, full gold necklace.
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OK those costs a lot so here is a cheaper better option from a
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nobody. No offence to this Etsy place
16:45
but you are a nobody compared to this girl with millions of
16:48
followers. But this girl is selling
16:50
something and making it seem like this is the best price for
16:53
the best product. You can't get it better anywhere
16:56
else. News flash, you can do your
16:59
research but it's crazy how we get so consumed by wanting to
17:05
have these things that other people have and that if they
17:08
have it, it must be good, right? If she's wearing those shoes,
17:12
they must be so comfy. Who knows if she's taking them
17:15
off 5 seconds after the picture. Who knows if they actually
17:19
cheaped out on purpose to make more money on the necklaces.
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Not saying she did, not naming names.
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I'm just saying we are so ready to support people who have given
17:30
us nothing. NOTHING.
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They don't know our names. They do not care about us.
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They are making money off of our seats at these virtual tables.
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They are profiting from us wanting to be there.
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And how often are we willing to support a family member or a
17:55
friend who starts a new business, They start a new
17:58
podcast, they open up a dancewear brand, they start a
18:05
salad company, Right? Like how quick are we to support
18:09
people that we actually know these small businesses with our
18:13
friends and our family and neighbors and community.
18:17
Versus how quick we are to follow, to save, to share, to
18:21
like these random influencer and celebrity status people that we
18:27
are so quick to support them, to comment on all their posts, to
18:32
buy all of their latest drops. And how often are we not
18:36
supporting the people in our own lives that actually do care
18:39
about us? They do know our names.
18:41
They do invite us over for meals or celebrate the holidays with
18:46
us. How often do we give as much
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time and energy and money to the people in our actual lives
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versus what we're giving to people in our virtual lives,
18:58
right? Like we we need to be able to
19:00
give that same energy or more. What if we did unfollow all of
19:05
the people who don't make us better, who don't fill our cups,
19:11
who aren't helping us to grow and to learn and to challenge us
19:16
to maybe don't spend all your money, right?
19:18
Like maybe don't go in debt just to live like me because we're
19:22
not the same. Everyone is different, so maybe
19:25
just stop spending all of your time and your money and your
19:29
energy supporting someone who would not support you but your
19:35
family or your friend. They would, right?
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Like they would give you that support.
19:40
They would be sharing your stuff.
19:42
They would be telling everyone about it.
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There is no bigger hype girl for my podcast than my 6 year old.
19:51
OK? She will tell anyone and
19:53
everyone with ears that her mom has a podcast.
19:56
And at first it made me cringe so bad 'cause I was like OK SH
20:01
OK we don't need to talk about it all the time sis.
20:03
And then one day she was telling I don't even know who it was.
20:06
She was like oh have you listened to my mom's podcast to
20:08
some random person? They had no clue who I was and.
20:12
I just looked at her and I felt so loved by her that that girl
20:18
was so proud of me. She was so proud to share what
20:21
her mom was doing and being the best cheerleader and rooting for
20:26
my success. Those are the kind of people you
20:28
should have in your life. If you have people that are not
20:31
supporting your dreams and goals, but you're out there
20:34
supporting random people's dreams and goals, you can't
20:38
expect that same support, right? So you have to decide, is this
20:44
serving me, or is this stealing from me, right?
20:47
Is it taking time away from me, from my job or my family or my
20:52
friends or my housework that needs done?
20:54
Am I so consumed by what is going on in everyone else's
20:59
worlds that I am draining myself to try to feel seen?
21:06
And I think it's OK to admit it's OK to be alone, right?
21:10
It is OK to protect your peace. That was something that I
21:12
learned in those friendships that were really toxic that I
21:16
became a different person with. It was better for me to step
21:19
back and to be alone than to continue forward because it
21:24
wasn't serving me and it was not helping me be a better person.
21:29
And not every situation in life, not every table is meant for
21:34
you, right? So stop praying to be at tables
21:37
that no one wants you at. Stop praying to be at tables
21:40
that God does not want you at. If he has made it clear that
21:43
that is not your direction, be OK with that.
21:46
And don't think that you're less than, that you're less worthy,
21:49
that you're less amazing or powerful.
21:52
You just have somewhere else to put that energy and that
21:55
creativity and that love and support.
21:58
You have that to put somewhere else, right?
22:01
Like we should stop trying to fit.
22:02
What is it like round pegs and square holes?
22:05
Or I always get my analogies mixed up.
22:07
I'm not going to lie. I will say a lot of stupid
22:09
things just roll with it. Something about a square in a
22:12
circle that don't go together. I think it's maybe it's a square
22:15
peg in a round hole. Not the point.
22:18
Anywho, it is OK to be alone. And I was thinking about how in
22:23
restaurants, my favorite seats in restaurants are always the
22:28
booths, right? I love a good booth.
22:31
I cannot stand to sit on a hard chair for a long period of time.
22:36
But not often do they have enormous booths, right?
22:39
They're usually 2 to 4. Maybe you get the one in the
22:42
corner that's circular. You can fit 5 to 6 Max.
22:46
Those smaller booths are what feel intimate and they feel
22:50
personal and they feel intentional.
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And then you see those giant tables that the waitresses have
22:57
had to put 7 tables together for the party of 50.
23:01
And you look at those tables and there's always someone on one
23:04
end and always someone on the other end.
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And then there's the people that maybe get lucky to be in the
23:08
middle and they get to talk to more people, but they are all
23:11
shouting and trying to be heard and seen.
23:15
And there's a million different conversations going on because
23:18
there's no way they can all be having one conversation at this
23:20
giant table. And so where do you want to be?
23:23
Do you want to be the end of a table that everyone's screaming
23:25
and talking over you and no one's actually listening to you?
23:28
Or do you want to be in that personalized corner booth where
23:32
the people surrounding you make you feel seen and heard and not
23:36
that you're fighting for attention and love and
23:38
acceptance? And so it's OK.
23:41
It's OK to acknowledge that it's OK to be alone.
23:44
It is also OK to leave a table that is no longer serving you.
23:49
It is OK to admit you have outgrown a certain place, a
23:56
certain person, a certain situation.
23:59
It is OK to say, hey, I have learned a lot from this.
24:04
I am grateful for the experience and the time I had with it.
24:07
It is no longer making me feel fulfilled and happy and pushing
24:13
me to become more and better. So I'm going to remove myself,
24:17
but not having to have animosity, not having to have a
24:20
dramatic exit. You can just quietly pick up and
24:24
leave that table. But you don't need to burn the
24:26
whole table down, right? Like we don't need to be burning
24:28
bridges. We don't need to be flipping
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tables and chairs and causing scenes and screaming.
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Your reason for leaving and how you have.
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You've outgrown these people and they are less than you and
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you're smarter than them or whatever it may be.
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There doesn't need to be the drama and the attention.
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It is OK to peacefully remove yourself, to hold a place in
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your heart and in your life that you are grateful for the time
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that you had there, but then finding what is next for you.
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Because if you feel called to start or try something new,
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trust God is going to fill those seats.
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You might be alone at first. Those tables might be empty.
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But if you feel called to do something, if you feel like your
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passion is in this specific thing, there is room at the
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table for you. Whether it's you starting your
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own table and seats being filled slowly or you joining another
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table, there is room at any table at any given time.
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You just have to decide, is this the right table for me?
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Do I belong here? Do I want to be here also?
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Do the people at this table want me here?
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There is a reason that they make leaves for tables or that there
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are foldable chairs that can be added on to every single table.
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It's because there is always room for you.
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You just have to decide are you at a table that is going to make
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you a better you?