Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Ask for Help Without Looking Weak
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've been a manager for maybe three months now. You're supposed to have the answers. Your team looks to you when something breaks. And yet — there's this moment where you genuinely don't know what to do. And every instinct says: fake it. Figure it out quietly. Don't let them see you sweat. Luna: Right. And most of us have been there — that knot in your stomach when you realize you need help but asking feels like admitting you're not cut out for the role. Lucas: Exactly. And that's what we're digging into today: how new managers can ask for help without looking weak. Because the research actually says the opposite — asking well can make you look stronger. Luna: I want to get to that research. But first — what's the typical scenario where a new manager hits this wall? Lucas: Let me give you a concrete case. I talked to a product manager — let's call her Sarah — who moved into management at a mid-size SaaS company about six months ago. She inherited a team of five engineers, two of whom were already working on a legacy integration that was behind schedule and technically messy. Sarah had a product background, not engineering. She didn't know the codebase. The team knew she didn't know. And in her first month, she kept dodging technical questions in stand-ups, saying things like 'I'll look into that' and then scrambling to ask a senior engineer privately. Luna: That sounds exhausting and also — the team probably saw right through it. Lucas: They did. And that's the thing — when you avoid asking in public, the message you send isn't 'she's got this.' It's 'she's hiding something.' So Sarah eventually flipped the script. Instead of pretending, she started saying things like, 'I want to make sure I understand the trade-offs here — could you walk me through the technical debt we're taking on with this approach?' Luna: Oh, I love that reframe. It's not 'I don't know' — it's 'I want to make sure we get this right.' That changes the whole power dynamic. Lucas: Exactly. And the team's response shifted. The engineers started treating her questions as legitimate, not as gaps. One of them even said, 'I'm glad you're asking that — we should have flagged it earlier.' So by asking, she actually built trust. Luna: So the framing matters enormously. But what about the actual research you mentioned? Lucas: Yeah. There's a 2023 study from Harvard Business Review — they ran a series of experiments where they had people evaluate leaders who asked for advice versus leaders who didn't. And the leaders who asked for advice were rated as 35 percent more competent. Not more likable — more competent. Because asking signals that you're confident enough to prioritize getting the right answer over protecting your ego. Luna: That's counterintuitive but it makes sense. If you're secure enough to say 'I need your input,' that signals strength. It's the same reason why in negotiations, asking questions is seen as a sign of preparation, not weakness. Lucas: Right. And I think the key distinction is between asking for help and asking for rescue. If you go to your boss and say, 'I'm completely lost, what do I do?' — that's different from saying, 'Here's the situation, here are two options I'm considering, which one would you lean into based on your experience?' Luna: So you've done the work first. You're not dumping the problem — you're bringing a decision to a decision point. Lucas: Exactly. And that's a rule I think every new manager should adopt: never ask a question you haven't already tried to answer yourself. Even if it's just five minutes of thinking. That way, you're coming with specific asks, not general helplessness. Luna: What about asking in front of your own team? Some managers worry that if they ask a question in a team meeting, they'll lose authority. Lucas: That's the fear. But again, the data goes the other way. When you model asking questions, you give permission for your team to do the same. You're essentially normalizing intellectual humility. And teams that feel safe asking questions are more innovative, catch errors faster, and have less politics. Luna: So it's a culture-setting move. One question from you can shift the entire team's dynamic. Lucas: Yes. But it has to be genuine. If you ask a question you already know the answer to just to seem humble, people see through that too. It has to be a real question — something you actually want to learn from. Luna: Right. And that brings up another layer — who do you ask? Because there's a difference between asking a peer manager, asking your boss, and asking a direct report. Lucas: Good point. Let's break that down. With peers — other new managers at your level — that's often the safest place to be raw. You can say, 'I have no idea how to handle this performance conversation, what's worked for you?' There's no power dynamic. Those relationships are gold. Luna: And those peer networks are often underused. A lot of new managers try to go it alone. Lucas: They do. With your boss, you want to be more strategic. You're not asking them to solve your problem — you're using them as a sounding board or asking for context you don't have. Something like, 'I'm planning to approach this project by doing X and Y. Is there anything from the broader strategy I should be aware of?' That shows you're thinking ahead. Luna: And with direct reports — that's the trickiest. Because you're their manager. You don't want to seem like you don't have a handle on things. Lucas: Right. But there are great ways to do it. You can ask about their expertise. Say, 'You've been on this account for two years — what do you see as the biggest risk we're not addressing?' That's not weakness. That's leveraging the knowledge on your team. And it makes them feel valued. Luna: So the common thread is: ask with specificity, ask with preparation, and ask in a way that shows you're still leading the process. Lucas: Exactly. And let me add one more thing — timing matters. Don't ask in the middle of a crisis when everyone's looking for direction. That's when you need to project calm and take a beat. Then, after things settle, you can ask for a post-mortem from someone more senior. Luna: That's a really practical distinction. So the rule might be: before a decision, ask to gather data. During a crisis, act. After a crisis, ask to learn. Lucas: That's a great framework. I'm going to steal that. Luna: Please do. You know, this whole conversation reminds me of why we keep this podcast ad-free — we want to keep these practical insights accessible without any noise. Lucas: Yeah, and it's listeners like you who make that possible. If you've gotten something useful out of episodes like this one, and you want to help us keep going, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Absolutely no pressure — we're here either way. Luna: And honestly, even just sharing an episode with a fellow new manager helps a ton. But back to the topic — one thing we haven't touched on is the emotional side. What if you ask for help and the response is negative? Like someone dismisses your question or implies you should already know. Lucas: That can happen. And it stings. But I think you have to separate the reaction from the value of asking. If your boss rolls their eyes, that says more about them than about you. And honestly, if you're in an environment where asking questions is punished, that's a red flag about the culture. Luna: True. But what do you do in that moment? You're standing there feeling small. Lucas: You can reframe it. Say, 'I appreciate your perspective. Let me think about that and come back with a more refined question.' That buys you time and keeps you in control. Then you can decide whether to ask someone else or approach it differently. Luna: So it's about having a recovery script ready. I like that. Lucas: Exactly. And over time, as you build a track record of making good decisions, the questions you ask become seen as part of your diligence, not your doubt. It's a long game. Luna: So wrap it up for us — what's the one takeaway you'd leave a new manager with? Lucas: I'd say: asking for help is not a sign that you're failing. It's a sign that you're learning faster than you would alone. And the best leaders I've ever seen — they ask the most questions. They just do it with preparation and purpose. So my challenge to any new manager listening: identify one question you've been avoiding asking, and ask it this week. Frame it well. See what happens. Luna: I love that. And I'd add: after you ask it, notice how people respond. You might be surprised how often the answer is respect, not judgment. Lucas: Yeah. It's one of those things that feels scary until you do it. And then it becomes your superpower.