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What We Wish Women Knew About Confidence, Body & Pleasure · Two Broke Chicks

0:11
Speaker 1: Hey, chicks, I'm sore and I'm out, and this is
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Speaker 1: two broke chicks to show that shares life lessons and
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Speaker 1: tips to help make you rich in life. And today
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Speaker 1: we're in for a very sexy time because we're joined
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Speaker 1: by Alex, a sex relationship and body image therapist behind
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Speaker 1: the Pleasure Center.
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Speaker 2: Welcome.
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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me, angels.
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Speaker 2: I'm so excited. I feel like this has been a
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Speaker 2: long time coming. Pun In Tender Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
0:35
Speaker 3: I was on the spot.
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Speaker 1: You would be getting those jokes all the time from people.
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Speaker 1: I'm sure I love them fast time.
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Speaker 3: I've never heard that joke before.
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Speaker 4: You are so intelligent and funny, beautiful and smart.
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Speaker 2: Oh my god, this is going to be the whole episode.
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Speaker 2: A wrap it there, that's all we needed.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, we like to start with a life lesson of
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Speaker 1: the week, so it can be small, big, silly, serious.
0:57
Speaker 2: What have you got for us?
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Speaker 3: A life lesson for me so far?
1:00
Speaker 4: Don't waste your time with people that don't make you
1:02
Speaker 4: feel really good about yourself.
1:04
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm thirty three and in my twenties.
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Speaker 4: You have all these like different friends, different partners, different experiences,
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Speaker 4: and sometimes you like hold on to people that you're like,
1:14
Speaker 4: oh no, but we've been friends for a while. But
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Speaker 4: it's like so natural to outgrow. People go through friendship breakups,
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Speaker 4: relationship breakups, and I think now that I'm thirty three,
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Speaker 4: I'm like, no, no, Like even with like body image things,
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Speaker 4: It's like, I would never allow someone in my life
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Speaker 4: who like makes comments on bodies or like has attitudes
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Speaker 4: around bodies that I don't.
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Speaker 3: Align with or don't want around me.
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Speaker 4: And I really feel like it's completely changed my life
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Speaker 4: to just be like the people around me make me
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Speaker 4: feel so happy and alive.
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Speaker 3: You know what I mean. Yeah, and that's been a
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Speaker 3: really nice life lesson.
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Speaker 2: Shed the dead weight.
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Speaker 5: You know for it?
1:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.
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Speaker 1: My life lesson of the wake is something that I
1:57
Speaker 1: saw from letterbox.
2:00
Speaker 2: Of this page recently.
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Speaker 5: I remember how I didn't know what it was and
2:03
Speaker 5: you and gen were like, what are our best friends?
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Speaker 2: And she was like, we were like what the fuck?
2:07
Speaker 2: I love it.
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Speaker 5: Yeah.
2:08
Speaker 1: It's basically like good Reads for movies if any of
2:11
Speaker 1: the chicks aren't familiar, But they released a list that
2:15
Speaker 1: is the top one hundred films with the most fans
2:18
Speaker 1: on letterboxed with the pronoun she so these are girl Yeah.
2:23
Speaker 3: These girlies be watching movies.
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Speaker 5: Yes, guesses go I think how to Lose a Guy
2:29
Speaker 5: in ten Days.
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Speaker 3: Oh, that's a really good guess. And I see the
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Speaker 3: worst product. Devil Wears Prata.
2:34
Speaker 2: That's got the top ten here movies with the biggest fan.
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Speaker 5: Potanic okay, well the Notebook, Okay, interesting you go.
2:43
Speaker 2: Number ten Call Me by Your Name? Oh, I know,
2:47
Speaker 2: I was kind of surprised by that.
2:48
Speaker 1: Yep. Nine the perks are Being a Wallflower, which I
2:53
Speaker 1: loved the book, and I did love.
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Speaker 2: The movie when it first came out. I was surprised, Coraline,
3:00
Speaker 2: I want to watch that.
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Speaker 3: I've never seen it.
3:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, may neither.
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Speaker 1: Number seven Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
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Speaker 2: That's one of my three favorite movies ever.
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Speaker 1: This one I was really surprised to see in the
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Speaker 1: girly pop list.
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Speaker 5: Oh god, it's going to be like the Dark Knight
3:15
Speaker 5: of American Psycho or like fucking Wolf of wall Street.
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Speaker 3: It's parallel, okay.
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Speaker 1: Number six Interstellar, you know what, that's okay, it slaps.
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Speaker 3: It's a great movie. Are yeah, incredible score.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like it's in the Venn diagram. I think
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Speaker 1: like that is definitely in the top ten for the
3:36
Speaker 1: men out there, yea sure. Number five Pride and Prejudice,
3:40
Speaker 1: of course.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, just the fifth yeah, yeah, the Diabolical. I've never
3:46
Speaker 3: seen it. Good, I know, but I've been saving it.
3:50
Speaker 3: I've been saving it.
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Speaker 2: It's so good.
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Speaker 1: Number four ten Things I Hate about You.
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Speaker 3: I was gonna say that. He that is.
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Speaker 1: I just got goosebumps. It's so good. Number three Little Women.
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Speaker 4: Oh talking, Okay, that brilliant movie anything very talented.
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Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, So now we're a number two and number one.
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Speaker 5: Oh my god, I reckon, we fuck this? I think
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Speaker 5: we did.
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Speaker 2: I wouldn't have picked either of these. Number two La
4:27
Speaker 2: la land what I know. I haven't seen it, okay, yeah,
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Speaker 2: I would never have guessed.
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Speaker 1: And number one, which I never would have picked, but
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Speaker 1: makes so much sense and almost makes me want to
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Speaker 1: cry dead poet society.
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Speaker 4: Oh that touches a spot in.
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Speaker 1: My heart, same moies, Why be so sad?
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Speaker 4: So don't you think that speaks to such a larger
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Speaker 4: like sense of what women connect to, which is like
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Speaker 4: this society telling us all to like conform. Yeah, but
5:03
Speaker 4: then like everyone desperately relating to that sense of like,
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Speaker 4: I don't want to have to do that, Like, it's
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Speaker 4: such a page.
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Speaker 1: You could say that about so many of those films
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Speaker 1: like Call You by Your Name, Perks Are Being a Wallflower,
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Speaker 1: Eternal Sunshine, Ten Things ate about you Dead Poets, like
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Speaker 1: my favorite quote from that movie that like, every time
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Speaker 1: I remember it, I'm like.
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Speaker 5: Is medicine, law, business, engineering, those and noble pursuits and
5:27
Speaker 5: necessary to sustain life? But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these
5:32
Speaker 5: are what we stay alive for. Oh and it was
5:38
Speaker 5: Robin fucking Williams who said that my life lesson is
5:41
Speaker 5: to start the side hustle, because this year I started
5:46
Speaker 5: the Basic Bitch Book Club and it was very much
5:51
Speaker 5: just like a fun little side project, passion project.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it was just like I did not expect it
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Speaker 2: to be a thing.
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Speaker 5: It was just like I love talking about books, mainly
5:59
Speaker 5: like my small Romanticy, which I know you're a fan of,
6:01
Speaker 5: which is why I was like, I'll bring this to
6:03
Speaker 5: the to the EPP And this week. In one week,
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Speaker 5: I hosted an event with Nude by Nature for a
6:11
Speaker 5: book Confessions That Make You Blush Event for the launch
6:15
Speaker 5: of their new dewy Sirum Blush, And it was just
6:18
Speaker 5: so fun, like hanging out with a bunch of chicks
6:20
Speaker 5: who are all just like little horny shelas, like talking
6:22
Speaker 5: about books. And then I also interviewed Callie Hart, the
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Speaker 5: author of Quicksilver. Oh way, that's amazing, I know, come
6:31
Speaker 5: out today. It came out today, yes, And we talked
6:36
Speaker 5: about like Kingfisher, Quicksilver, Brimstone two. We talked about you know,
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Speaker 5: fan theories, whether or not she's scared of killing off characters,
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Speaker 5: like and just the whole time, like I wasn't nervous
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Speaker 5: at all, Like the whole interview. I was just so
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Speaker 5: excited and happy to be there. I just couldn't believe
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Speaker 5: that that was my life. And I was just like,
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Speaker 5: oh my god, this wouldn't have happened if I didn't
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Speaker 5: start this silly little thing that like, you know, five
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Speaker 5: years ago, I probably would have been not five years ago,
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Speaker 5: maybe like ten years ago, would have been embarrassed to
7:07
Speaker 5: talk about, you know, like I love how much women's
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Speaker 5: pleasure and romance and sexuality has become a forefront in
7:16
Speaker 5: these romance and fantasy books and smart books, if you
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Speaker 5: want to call them that. Then I'm just like I'm obsessed,
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Speaker 5: and I'm just Yeah, it was the best.
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Speaker 3: Wow, proud of you.
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Speaker 2: I was very happy first Kelly Harden, next everyone.
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Speaker 1: This is like within less than a year of launching,
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Speaker 1: so it's just the beginning.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, so good.
7:39
Speaker 5: And like I also interviewed like the cast of Regretting You,
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Speaker 5: like McKenna Grace and Mason Tames, and I.
7:45
Speaker 2: Was like, what the fuck is going on?
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Speaker 5: And I'm so uncool on these Like I get on
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Speaker 5: and I'm like, because I'm maybe more nervous or excited,
7:54
Speaker 5: your brain doesn't know the difference. So I'm going to
7:55
Speaker 5: say it's excited. I like just go full Alex, Like
8:00
Speaker 5: there's no professionally, I'm not like I can't rain myself in.
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Speaker 2: I'm like all emotion of being.
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Speaker 3: Like, Hi, like I appreciate that.
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Speaker 1: I appreciate people who are excited about the projects so
8:11
Speaker 1: they're working on and you know, aren't necessarily like fanning
8:15
Speaker 1: over them to the point of like, oh no, I
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Speaker 1: am being yourself and having a real conversation, being authentic,
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Speaker 1: and I think authenticity gets you places, you know, So
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Speaker 1: it's just a reflection of an energy you bring.
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Speaker 3: And I'm so like exciting.
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Speaker 4: I've read fantasy my whole life and so when I
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Speaker 4: discovered romanticy, I was like, oh, it's like, yeah, she'd
8:38
Speaker 4: probably also read some things and be like that's not correct, Like.
8:42
Speaker 2: They're tiktoks of some people.
8:43
Speaker 5: And it's like I think it was a Fourth Wing
8:45
Speaker 5: scene when she was on the throne and he was
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Speaker 5: like eating her out or something.
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Speaker 2: But they couldn't quite understand, and.
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Speaker 3: People was like trying to recreate the I mean like
8:57
Speaker 3: that once in an exoment.
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Speaker 2: They're like on a chair being like what.
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Speaker 3: And I was like, how does that?
9:02
Speaker 2: Don't deep it? Yeah, don't deep it exactly, just enjoy it.
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Speaker 3: Oh, we should do it exactly exactly.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, shall we get into the chat. Let's do
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Speaker 2: it all right? To kick us off, can.
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Speaker 1: You tell us a little bit how you got into this,
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Speaker 1: how you got into sex therapy and mental health therapy?
9:18
Speaker 3: Sure?
9:19
Speaker 4: So I have three degrees. I started off in a
9:23
Speaker 4: undergraduate degree in psychology. I always knew I wanted to
9:26
Speaker 4: work in mental health, but when I started studying that,
9:29
Speaker 4: I was like, Wow, this is kind of boring. And
9:33
Speaker 4: then I did a career quiz when I was like
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Speaker 4: twenty three, being like, who am I?
9:38
Speaker 3: What should I do with my life? And it was
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Speaker 3: like mental health. I was like, oh damn it. I
9:42
Speaker 3: was like, well, in a way, at least I'm on
9:43
Speaker 3: the right track.
9:44
Speaker 4: But it had all these little suggestions in the sidebar,
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Speaker 4: being like, here are like sub genres of mental health
9:50
Speaker 4: you could do like grief counseling, or like marriage counseling,
9:54
Speaker 4: or sex therapy.
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Speaker 3: And I was like, what the hell is sex therapy?
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Speaker 4: And I clicked on it and realized it's literally just
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Speaker 4: regular talk therapy, but you specifically talk about sex and relationships,
10:04
Speaker 4: and I was like that sounds amazing. And then I
10:08
Speaker 4: went and I emailed the only like three sex therapists
10:13
Speaker 4: at the time, this was like over ten years ago
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Speaker 4: that existed in Sydney, and one of them got back
10:17
Speaker 4: to me and was like, yep, I'll give you like
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Speaker 4: an intern like job. And so I started interning for
10:22
Speaker 4: two years while I finished my undergrad and then I
10:25
Speaker 4: went to do my master's in counseling, which is where
10:28
Speaker 4: I got my mental health like certification. But I wrote
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Speaker 4: research in that master's on women's experiences of sexual function
10:36
Speaker 4: and like the concerns they have, and then I went
10:38
Speaker 4: on to do a postgraduate degree in sexology, which is
10:41
Speaker 4: like the actual certification obsessed with you.
10:45
Speaker 3: I'm like you being like hard eyes.
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Speaker 4: Well, but yeah, so essentially, I like love studying and
10:53
Speaker 4: I love yapping. So it's just like reading and talking,
10:57
Speaker 4: you know, like it's just my favorite combination throwing some
10:59
Speaker 4: food woofed.
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Speaker 3: Like yeah, yerious.
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Speaker 4: But essentially that's how I kind of got into sex therapy.
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Speaker 4: And I just have like fond memories of being like
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Speaker 4: twenty four and this like sex therapist in her like fifties,
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Speaker 4: walked into her office to like file something and she
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Speaker 4: just had a giant like anus on the screen and
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Speaker 4: it was just like contracting and relaxing.
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Speaker 3: And I was like, what are you doing.
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Speaker 4: She was like, I'm matching my breath to the anus
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Speaker 4: and I was like what.
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Speaker 3: She's like, come join me.
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Speaker 4: So just like sitting there, both of us just going
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Speaker 4: as this giant anus is just like contracting and relaxing.
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Speaker 4: She was like, it's very good for your pelvic floor. Girl. Great,
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Speaker 4: I learned essentially this should have been my life lesson
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Speaker 4: that your anus will like clench if you're like tense
11:46
Speaker 4: and the company of people are in certain situations. So
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Speaker 4: I do this thing where I like jokingly this is
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Speaker 4: to your point of like bringing yourself very authentically to
11:54
Speaker 4: your job. I do this in sessions where I just
11:56
Speaker 4: tell people they're like, I'm nervous about this date. How
11:59
Speaker 4: do I know if I like this person? I go
12:00
Speaker 4: check in with your anus.
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Speaker 3: What's a little bum hole doing? So if it's clenched,
12:05
Speaker 3: if you're like clinch, you're probably a little tense. Are
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Speaker 3: you checking with your.
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Speaker 2: I love that.
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Speaker 1: Because what's the list of people always say they are like,
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Speaker 1: unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, release.
12:18
Speaker 4: Your Is that there's like some kind of research to
12:23
Speaker 4: show for women, the jaw and the pelvic floor are
12:26
Speaker 4: very connected in terms of your tents up here. You're
12:29
Speaker 4: probably tense down there and gool okay time for some
12:37
Speaker 4: TMJ I know anyway, So that's how I got into
12:41
Speaker 4: sex therapy. That is so yeah, And I just loved
12:45
Speaker 4: it because I've always been very open when it comes
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Speaker 4: to bodies and like fascinated by bodies. I love talking
12:51
Speaker 4: about sex. I've never felt shy, like essentially, I discovered
12:56
Speaker 4: like masturbation when I was five years old. I didn't
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Speaker 4: know what it was, but I'd like rub up on furniture.
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Speaker 2: I think a lot of children have to. That's very universal.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, a lot of people do it. But like I
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Speaker 3: didn't realize until Audul youhood what it was.
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Speaker 4: But at the same time, I was kind of like, oh,
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Speaker 4: I've always like been aware of my body and like
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Speaker 4: felt quite comfortable with it, and then realized how many
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Speaker 4: of my girlfriends didn't feel that.
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Speaker 3: Way, and I was like, you could totally feel this way.
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Speaker 4: It's so nice to feel this way, and it really
13:20
Speaker 4: helped with sexual relationships. This is partly just being like
13:25
Speaker 4: ethnic and like growing up like I'm the eldest daughter,
13:27
Speaker 4: I have two younger brothers.
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Speaker 3: Like I've just bossed men around.
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Speaker 4: My whole life, so I just have like never had
13:33
Speaker 4: difficulty being like I want it this way, I want
13:35
Speaker 4: to do that. And so when I also realized a
13:37
Speaker 4: lot of people struggled with that, I was like, oh,
13:40
Speaker 4: like I want women to feel empowered to do that.
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Speaker 3: You know what a gift?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, Well, speaking of what's the biggest misconception that
13:50
Speaker 1: women have about their own pleasure, that.
13:52
Speaker 3: Is a great question. The biggest misconception that women often
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Speaker 3: have about their pleasure is that it's complex. It's not.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that because that is such like a
14:04
Speaker 1: thing that in pop culture and whatnot that like, you know,
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Speaker 1: men are a button that you press, and then women
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Speaker 1: it's all these levers and different things, and so it's.
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Speaker 3: Like air traffic control. You're all right, coming in, relax.
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Speaker 3: It's like, actually, not like that at all.
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Speaker 4: And allow me to elaborate on why, because a lot
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Speaker 4: of women are like, no, it is because it takes
14:22
Speaker 4: so long, and like I get in my head and like,
14:24
Speaker 4: actually it is really hard. The thing is is that
14:27
Speaker 4: we view pleasure women's pleasure within a framework of how
14:31
Speaker 4: we understand men's bodies. There is research for centuries on
14:37
Speaker 4: men's physiology and sexual function. We only started really researching
14:43
Speaker 4: and I mean like historically in the nineteenth century, seventy
14:46
Speaker 4: percent of research was done on men for like sexual
14:49
Speaker 4: health stuff. In the nineties we started seriously researching women's
14:54
Speaker 4: sex pleasure and function.
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Speaker 3: For example, it wasn't until.
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Speaker 4: Nineteen ninety that's an Australian urologist, doctor Helen.
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Speaker 3: I think O'Connell legend love you Helen. She fully mapped the.
15:10
Speaker 4: Clitterists for the first time to show that it has
15:13
Speaker 4: an internal structure.
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Speaker 3: Nineteen ninety eight.
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Speaker 4: I was six years old, and then you look at this,
15:20
Speaker 4: you go, Okay, if research only happened thirty years ago,
15:25
Speaker 4: how does that then inform like policy education, curriculums, discourse
15:30
Speaker 4: in like public arenas, like media. It takes time for
15:34
Speaker 4: that research to reach us in like classrooms or wherever
15:37
Speaker 4: in the bedroom.
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Speaker 3: So I grew up with no.
15:40
Speaker 4: Anatomy education around the internal parts of the clitterists. I
15:43
Speaker 4: learned about the clitterists when I studied the clitorists.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, in my mid twenties.
15:48
Speaker 4: Like when I'm walking into this sex therapist's office and
15:51
Speaker 4: she's got an anus on the screen and this model
15:53
Speaker 4: of a clitterists, and I'm like, what's that And she's like,
15:55
Speaker 4: that's your clitterists.
15:56
Speaker 3: I was like what, Like yeah, because I don't know,
15:58
Speaker 3: I did a piece. You think it's a little fun.
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Speaker 4: So the point being is that your pleasure isn't complex.
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Speaker 4: It's just heavily under researched, and therefore we don't have
16:08
Speaker 4: enough information to then have conversations about what women's pleasure
16:12
Speaker 4: actually entails. And it isn't complex, it's just nuanced. It's expansive. Yeah,
16:18
Speaker 4: like you said, men's pleasures, I don't mean this in
16:20
Speaker 4: like a judgmental way, but at times is a bit
16:23
Speaker 4: more one dimensional compared to women's and that's not like
16:26
Speaker 4: not a bad thing, Like women can experience pleasure in
16:28
Speaker 4: a way more like different way. I think it can
16:31
Speaker 4: also be a little bit of an excuse on like
16:34
Speaker 4: both parties to be like, you know, I think sometimes
16:38
Speaker 4: women will settle for less because they think it's too
16:42
Speaker 4: hard when it's like not like it is more just
16:46
Speaker 4: gaining more of an understanding. It's having a bit more
16:48
Speaker 4: open communication totally. And like also like the other end
16:51
Speaker 4: of the spectrum, if you're in like a heterosexual relationship
16:54
Speaker 4: and like it may be like, oh, it's just good
16:57
Speaker 4: or like whatever, not understanding.
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Speaker 5: I'm sure also a lot of men get in their
17:00
Speaker 5: own heads of being like I don't know if I'm
17:03
Speaker 5: being like a good lover or anything like that, when
17:06
Speaker 5: you know, sometimes it can be like, oh, it's just
17:08
Speaker 5: too hard, but it's not yeah yeah yeah.
17:11
Speaker 1: I also think that that idea also can put a
17:13
Speaker 1: lot of shame on men too, because if they're not
17:17
Speaker 1: like hot and ready to go immediately, and that's the
17:21
Speaker 1: stereotype that men are easily aroused and like ready to
17:25
Speaker 1: go at all times.
17:25
Speaker 2: If you're not.
17:26
Speaker 1: Then they're also like, okay, what's wrong with me? So yeah,
17:29
Speaker 1: those STEREO's that's not everyone.
17:31
Speaker 3: That's women too.
17:31
Speaker 5: We watch rom coms, they kiss for two seconds and
17:33
Speaker 5: then in they go and I'm like, oh.
17:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like those stereotypes have negative impacts on everyone, let
17:40
Speaker 1: alone if you're not in a hetero relationship and you're
17:42
Speaker 1: not even represented at all.
17:44
Speaker 5: Seriously, what are some of the most common I thought
17:47
Speaker 5: this was normal moments that women bring to you, experiencing.
17:50
Speaker 3: Pain with penetration.
17:52
Speaker 4: I ask every woman do you experience any discomfort or
17:55
Speaker 4: pain with penetration. They'll be like, yeah, but that's normal,
17:58
Speaker 4: and I'm like, no, it's actually not normal, Like you're
18:01
Speaker 4: often experiencing discomfort and pain because you're jumping to penetration.
18:06
Speaker 4: To that point of how rom coms influence our sexual
18:09
Speaker 4: scripts when your body isn't fully aroused, research shows that
18:14
Speaker 4: the average sexual interaction goes for thirteen minutes. It also
18:18
Speaker 4: shows that it takes minimum twenty minutes to up to
18:21
Speaker 4: sixty minutes for a woman to be fully aroused. So
18:24
Speaker 4: when women are like, no, that's normal, No, that's normal,
18:26
Speaker 4: and like, it's actually not normal, It's not normal.
18:28
Speaker 3: For you to experience pain.
18:30
Speaker 4: It just is often you're following a sexual script that
18:33
Speaker 4: focuses on men's pleasure and arousal trajectory, because again, that's
18:37
Speaker 4: what we researched, that's what we put out there, that's.
18:39
Speaker 3: What we think is normal.
18:41
Speaker 4: But that's not the lived experience of women or people
18:45
Speaker 4: with evolvers. And so that's when we start to look
18:48
Speaker 4: at like, how do you communicate more right of like
18:52
Speaker 4: this needs to slow down. How do we decenter penetration
18:56
Speaker 4: as well? So it's not always about like feeling the
18:59
Speaker 4: like pressure to have to jump to penetration when your
19:02
Speaker 4: body's not ready yet.
19:04
Speaker 2: And that sex begins and ends with that part.
19:08
Speaker 4: Yes, I have like a thing that I call the
19:11
Speaker 4: het sex Menu, which is like I made it up
19:14
Speaker 4: to help people try and diversify their sexual repertoires. But
19:19
Speaker 4: essentially this idea that like, based on movies, they kiss,
19:22
Speaker 4: which is like the entree. Then the main meal is penetration,
19:25
Speaker 4: and then dessert is like male orgasm. Like generally it's
19:29
Speaker 4: kind of follows this pretty rigid script. And then because
19:33
Speaker 4: I'm bisexual, when I started having sex with people who
19:36
Speaker 4: didn't have penises, I was.
19:38
Speaker 3: Like wow, this is crazy. It's like no penis to
19:40
Speaker 3: tend to.
19:41
Speaker 4: I was like, ah, Like, I just was like life
19:44
Speaker 4: is so free.
19:46
Speaker 3: I was like, what do you do? You do anything.
19:49
Speaker 4: Mast And essentially it reminds me of being in Las Vegas, where.
20:00
Speaker 5: That you're like and then I was in the last
20:06
Speaker 5: ve like.
20:07
Speaker 2: Where's the cocktail shrimp coming into this?
20:09
Speaker 4: So I'm in Las Vegas and I don't know if
20:11
Speaker 4: you guys have ever been to like breakfast buffets in
20:13
Speaker 4: Las Vegas, but because I guess they anticipate a lot
20:15
Speaker 4: of people partying and being hungover, the breakfasts are insane,
20:19
Speaker 4: like so good, and I don't really party, so I
20:22
Speaker 4: would just wake up early every day and eat first
20:25
Speaker 4: breakfast breakfast like a fucking hobbit.
20:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, second breakfast and I would coffee and I would
20:32
Speaker 1: do a tactical poo and then I have second breakfast
20:34
Speaker 1: like a fucking hobbit, And.
20:35
Speaker 3: So essentially I would. I loved the diversity of the food.
20:39
Speaker 4: It was like your regular egg station, your hot breakfast,
20:42
Speaker 4: your continental breakfast, but you also had a full sushi bar,
20:46
Speaker 4: a Christmas ham like everything curries, and it made me
20:49
Speaker 4: think about sex because I was like, I want to
20:51
Speaker 4: turn up to sex every day with a tray being like, hmm,
20:55
Speaker 4: what do I want today? And it doesn't have to
20:57
Speaker 4: be defined by certain foods. I don't have to put
21:00
Speaker 4: the like metaphorical penetration on the tray every time. And
21:04
Speaker 4: I just wrote an article, you know that British Vogue article, Yes,
21:07
Speaker 4: and embarrassing.
21:08
Speaker 3: To have a boyfriend now?
21:09
Speaker 4: I wrote one that was like is it embarrassing to
21:12
Speaker 4: have penetrative sex now? Because I was like, when you
21:15
Speaker 4: desensor penetration, which the research shows primarily happens because it
21:20
Speaker 4: preferences men's pleasure, and that also there's research to show
21:24
Speaker 4: men prefer it because it makes them feel more masculine. Right,
21:28
Speaker 4: we know that only eighteen percent of women come from
21:30
Speaker 4: penetrative sex.
21:31
Speaker 3: Eighty percent requires clearal simulation of some kind. And so
21:36
Speaker 3: it just comes back to this idea of like why
21:38
Speaker 3: are we centering it?
21:39
Speaker 4: Why aren't we diversifying the kind of sex we can
21:42
Speaker 4: have so that there's no pain, that it suits.
21:45
Speaker 3: Your pleasure, that you're taking up the space to have
21:47
Speaker 3: like a good time as possible. You know? I love that?
21:51
Speaker 1: Moving on, what do you wish that women knew when
21:54
Speaker 1: comparing their sex lives to their friends or to TikTok
21:58
Speaker 1: or romance novels.
22:00
Speaker 2: It back to before.
22:01
Speaker 4: I guess it kind of depends what you're comparing, because
22:04
Speaker 4: if you're comparing like your levels of like desire for sex,
22:08
Speaker 4: that's completely subjective and everything is normal, is what I
22:11
Speaker 4: would say. If you want sex once a year and
22:13
Speaker 4: if you want sex once a day normal, like, it
22:17
Speaker 4: doesn't it's there's no like standard, you know what I mean.
22:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that'd be comforting for a lot of
22:23
Speaker 2: people to hear.
22:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
22:24
Speaker 4: I think a lot of women are really worried that
22:26
Speaker 4: they don't want sex enough, especially when they're in relationships
22:30
Speaker 4: with men or partners that want sex more than them
22:34
Speaker 4: mismatched libidos. Yeah.
22:35
Speaker 2: I feel like that's a common question that comes up
22:38
Speaker 2: when you're having.
22:39
Speaker 3: Drinks with the girls.
22:40
Speaker 2: Yes, like it very often will lead to that. So
22:43
Speaker 2: how often do you have sex.
22:45
Speaker 1: Totally lack and especially if you're in like maybe a
22:48
Speaker 1: long term relationship or you pass that honeymoon stage. I
22:51
Speaker 1: do think that that is a common question, and I
22:54
Speaker 1: find that the responses are so varied.
22:57
Speaker 4: Yeah, really very because in the same way that the
22:59
Speaker 4: three of us sitting here have completely very like genetic
23:02
Speaker 4: makeup and appearances like that's normal.
23:05
Speaker 3: We're supposed to look different.
23:07
Speaker 4: If we were carbon copies of each other, one virus
23:11
Speaker 4: would wipe us out, Like we're supposed to be different
23:14
Speaker 4: on like a fundamental level. And therefore, your sexuality, your desire,
23:19
Speaker 4: how you access like pleasure and orgasm is going to
23:22
Speaker 4: vary just as much. And when it comes to comparing
23:25
Speaker 4: things like COUPLETOK, I find a little concerning at times
23:29
Speaker 4: because it's curated, it's not real, And I think it's
23:32
Speaker 4: really important for people to remember that relationships are hard
23:35
Speaker 4: work and you're not seeing the hard work that goes
23:37
Speaker 4: on behind the scenes. I think something that like really
23:41
Speaker 4: changed my brain chemistry when I became a therapist was
23:45
Speaker 4: that I would get like the most beautiful, like literally
23:49
Speaker 4: meeting the beauty ideals of society. People come into therapy
23:53
Speaker 4: being like I don't want to have sex, I don't
23:55
Speaker 4: want to be seen naked, And I'm sitting there going.
23:57
Speaker 3: What like, which, what the fuck?
24:00
Speaker 4: I can't say that, obviously, but I'm just going, how
24:03
Speaker 4: like this is so cracked? Like how is it that
24:07
Speaker 4: you feel that when you meet the beauty ideal?
24:10
Speaker 5: Yeah?
24:11
Speaker 4: And then other people being like so intelligent and like
24:14
Speaker 4: communicative but then shutting down around you know what I mean.
24:16
Speaker 4: It was just it just taught me that, like everyone
24:19
Speaker 4: has their problems. No couple or relationship is like perfect.
24:24
Speaker 4: It all takes work. And in terms of comparing to Romanticy,
24:29
Speaker 4: I would just say, like, baby girl, those men are
24:32
Speaker 4: written by women for women, Like that's fantasy. It's fantasy. Unfortunately,
24:37
Speaker 4: men like that exist.
24:39
Speaker 3: What is my therapy?
24:41
Speaker 4: Like legit, When I read Akatar for the first time,
24:44
Speaker 4: I inhaled that series in like two weeks and I
24:47
Speaker 4: had a massive like dopamine.
24:48
Speaker 3: Crash, and I was in therapy being like show not.
24:52
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't think I can ever take
24:55
Speaker 3: it again. Like these men actually like yeah, she's so sweet.
25:00
Speaker 3: She's like, I know, that's tough.
25:02
Speaker 5: I think everyone when they like get into Romanticy, has
25:06
Speaker 5: that realization at least once and they go the kind
25:10
Speaker 5: of fuck yeah.
25:11
Speaker 4: I would just say that like Romanticy and like, even
25:15
Speaker 4: if you're watching like porn, use it as inspiration, not
25:19
Speaker 4: like a blueprint for what your life or sex should
25:21
Speaker 4: look like.
25:22
Speaker 3: It's not real, so it can't be.
25:26
Speaker 2: And if there was a man with wings would you
25:28
Speaker 2: really want to fuck him?
25:30
Speaker 3: Probably?
25:31
Speaker 5: Yeah. It came out of my mouth and I was like, yeah, yeah,
25:35
Speaker 5: I want to.
25:35
Speaker 4: I want to make a fucking creature man come by
25:38
Speaker 4: touching his little wings. Yeah.
25:40
Speaker 3: Or you're gonna have like sex in the sky.
25:42
Speaker 2: Wow takes a whole meaning.
25:47
Speaker 5: Yeah. As soon as it came out of my mouth,
25:48
Speaker 5: I was like, what are you saying?
25:50
Speaker 2: You feel better? I was trying to make everyone feel better,
25:52
Speaker 2: and I was like, actually kills me.
25:54
Speaker 4: The most about romanticy is the fact that like if
25:57
Speaker 4: there's like magic or like a hat like the House
25:59
Speaker 4: of Magic Wind, that.
26:00
Speaker 3: You could just like have sex and be like, can
26:02
Speaker 3: I have a cookie?
26:03
Speaker 4: And I was just.
26:07
Speaker 5: When people have like the audiobook playing though, and this
26:10
Speaker 5: is where like things again, it's like a fantasy. And
26:13
Speaker 5: she's like I could barely wrap two hands around it.
26:16
Speaker 2: And you're like, yeah again, you're trying to like make
26:18
Speaker 2: the math.
26:19
Speaker 5: Yeah ow, yeah, I'm going, oh, like that's just okay,
26:24
Speaker 5: don't about it. Yeah. I love how their dicks are
26:26
Speaker 5: always this giant, fucking like slap on a table.
26:30
Speaker 4: Well, he's actually like a really good example of why
26:33
Speaker 4: romanticy shouldn't inform.
26:34
Speaker 3: Your sex life.
26:35
Speaker 4: I was flirting with this woman who's also really into romanticy,
26:39
Speaker 4: and we were talking about how when they described kissing,
26:43
Speaker 4: they always say he ran his tongue over the roof
26:45
Speaker 4: of my mouth. And she was like, I don't think
26:50
Speaker 4: that would feel good, and I was like, shall we try?
26:52
Speaker 4: And so we sat there making out, but she was
26:56
Speaker 4: like trying to lick the roof of my tongue.
26:57
Speaker 3: We were pissing ourselves teeth well, like.
27:01
Speaker 1: I'm imagining like Gene Simmons, like long tongue, Like really,
27:05
Speaker 1: I don't like that feeling.
27:07
Speaker 4: But it's just a really good example of like it
27:09
Speaker 4: might sound hot in a book, but in real life
27:11
Speaker 4: it's weird as fuck.
27:13
Speaker 1: Like teeth clashing and I'm like, oh yeah, it's giving
27:18
Speaker 1: high school makeout.
27:19
Speaker 2: Yeah. I want to kind of go back to something
27:21
Speaker 2: you said before though about you.
27:23
Speaker 5: Know, how you see society's perfect person, right, like the
27:27
Speaker 5: beauty ideal come in and they also, you know, have
27:31
Speaker 5: a lot to discuss with you. And you've also previously
27:34
Speaker 5: said that perfectionism is ruining sex. So how does body
27:39
Speaker 5: image secretly impact women's pleasure more than they realize.
27:43
Speaker 3: I would say that body image and perfectionism are intrinsically linked,
27:48
Speaker 3: and it stems from a sense of learning.
27:51
Speaker 4: To shame yourself. Like, you are not born being critical
27:55
Speaker 4: of your body. You are not born disliking your appearance
27:59
Speaker 4: or your weight or your shape. You learn these things,
28:01
Speaker 4: and you learn them by the world around you sending
28:05
Speaker 4: messages that you shouldn't like these things or that you're
28:08
Speaker 4: belonging depends upon these features. And for women, this is
28:12
Speaker 4: a very strong social message.
28:14
Speaker 3: That we receive.
28:16
Speaker 4: And so when you have those kinds of messages internalized,
28:20
Speaker 4: you carry them around. You start to then think, like
28:24
Speaker 4: in vulnerable moments where you're naked and you're having sex, well,
28:27
Speaker 4: hold on, is my cellulite showing on my barey?
28:29
Speaker 3: Rolls like showing do I have a double chin? If
28:31
Speaker 3: I'm on top?
28:32
Speaker 4: You're suddenly weigh in your head during sex when it's
28:36
Speaker 4: a time to be in your body enjoying pleasure. So really,
28:39
Speaker 4: how I think perfectionism polices women is to like make
28:43
Speaker 4: sure their bodies are perfect in order to feel deserving
28:46
Speaker 4: of like pleasure, love, acceptance, belonging. And it creates this
28:51
Speaker 4: mind body disconnect that it's also like all untrue, like
28:54
Speaker 4: we're all deserving of all those the love, affection, orgasms,
28:58
Speaker 4: all those things. It doesn't matter what you look like.
29:01
Speaker 4: So yeah, that's how I think it affects it.
29:03
Speaker 5: Yeah, you've said in an Instagram post, which was what
29:07
Speaker 5: I wish women knew, which is kind of what inspired
29:10
Speaker 5: this episode itself, was most people are just happy to
29:14
Speaker 5: be touching you.
29:15
Speaker 3: Girl.
29:16
Speaker 4: I swear to God, I am what I call a
29:19
Speaker 4: seasoned hour Ah.
29:25
Speaker 3: I love that.
29:28
Speaker 2: Please make merch with that. Oh a fucking lutely, I
29:33
Speaker 2: love that.
29:35
Speaker 3: On a shirt.
29:37
Speaker 2: I unlocked my jaw.
29:39
Speaker 3: So I call myself a seasoned whur.
29:41
Speaker 4: The reason I call myself a seasoned who is because
29:44
Speaker 4: girl loves the fuck.
29:45
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm a walk my talk girl.
29:48
Speaker 4: Everything that I suggest to clients I have applied in
29:51
Speaker 4: my own life. Meaning if I say meditate, know that
29:54
Speaker 4: I've meditated. If I say movement is good for you,
29:57
Speaker 4: I've practiced that myself.
29:58
Speaker 3: If I say a perfect flow release with.
30:00
Speaker 4: A physio could help with like pain, I've gone and
30:03
Speaker 4: I've had a perfect floor release purely so I could
30:06
Speaker 4: say to my clients this is what you can expect. Like,
30:08
Speaker 4: I do the background research, and one of the things
30:12
Speaker 4: I love to do is push men to their absolute
30:15
Speaker 4: limits during sex, not in like a weird way, just
30:18
Speaker 4: more so like what I hear women say during therapy
30:22
Speaker 4: is like, oh, I could never like pause sex if
30:23
Speaker 4: I'm feeling anxious and in my head because it ruins
30:26
Speaker 4: the mood.
30:26
Speaker 3: I'm like, go why.
30:28
Speaker 4: I will tell you a time where I was with
30:31
Speaker 4: a lover and I just thought, for funzies, I'm gonna
30:34
Speaker 4: just see how long of a break I can take.
30:37
Speaker 4: And I was like, hey, could you get me glass water?
30:40
Speaker 4: He was like sure, And I was like, hey, can
30:42
Speaker 4: we watch an episode of Gilmore Girls?
30:43
Speaker 3: He was like sure, and I was like, this is awesome.
30:45
Speaker 3: I was like, hey, cue me sandwich.
30:47
Speaker 2: I love this. This is how to lose a guy
30:50
Speaker 2: in ten days.
30:52
Speaker 3: No no ice. I asked for diet.
30:55
Speaker 4: I love for It really made me realize that, like,
30:59
Speaker 4: the the most beautiful quality for me in men is
31:02
Speaker 4: that they when they're like really attuned to their sense
31:06
Speaker 4: of like masculinity, they're not threatened by really anything that
31:11
Speaker 4: you do.
31:12
Speaker 3: They just want to support you.
31:14
Speaker 4: Like they can really turn up in such beautiful ways.
31:17
Speaker 4: And I think I myself also needed to learn that,
31:20
Speaker 4: which is why I would ask for support and men
31:22
Speaker 4: would always be like, yeah, what do you need? And
31:25
Speaker 4: I think for a lot of women, especially if they've
31:27
Speaker 4: had negative experiences with men, it's a really important thing
31:30
Speaker 4: to like learn that. They're like you can actually take
31:33
Speaker 4: up this space. But more than that, there's like an
31:36
Speaker 4: intrinsic power that you hold as a woman that literally
31:40
Speaker 4: men are intimidated by. Hence the fucking patriarchy, Like why
31:44
Speaker 4: would they invent the patriarchy if they weren't intimidated? The
31:47
Speaker 4: boys be like dang, girls are pretty.
31:50
Speaker 3: How do we do? What do we do? Subjugate them?
31:53
Speaker 2: Like yeah, damn, girls sound pretty.
31:57
Speaker 3: I'm just Joe got such pretty hair. Like think about it.
32:01
Speaker 4: Everything that men in terms of like toxic masculinity that
32:04
Speaker 4: they fear are actually feminine qualities. Like so men are
32:08
Speaker 4: taught to inherently hate feminine qualities, and yet they deeply
32:11
Speaker 4: deeply desire women and want to be with women, and
32:13
Speaker 4: so they have this like inner conflict that it's like
32:17
Speaker 4: you just want to be us, like you literally do
32:20
Speaker 4: some of them are some of them are like like
32:23
Speaker 4: oh yeah no, I'm I'm at peace with like feminine
32:25
Speaker 4: qualities that I have.
32:26
Speaker 3: And it's like that is the hottest.
32:28
Speaker 4: Thing ever seriously, you know, floodgates are open, other men
32:31
Speaker 4: are like polish.
32:32
Speaker 3: I'm like, it's like the Sahara desert down there. Get away.
32:35
Speaker 5: Well, especially because as well, like I'm by as well,
32:37
Speaker 5: Like when a guys like a little bit femin I'm like, yeah, like,
32:42
Speaker 5: I like my part now is not like and each
32:46
Speaker 5: to their own, you know, but he's just like not
32:48
Speaker 5: a bro and I love that about him. Like what's
32:51
Speaker 5: even better is when even like they are a little
32:53
Speaker 5: bit browie, but they got like big old softy vibes.
32:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, all men have a little baby girl inside.
33:00
Speaker 5: Yeah.
33:00
Speaker 1: They all want to be cuddled and time and cuddled, and.
33:06
Speaker 3: They want to.
33:09
Speaker 5: I want them to have their nails painted because it's hot,
33:13
Speaker 5: clean you nails. Okay, I do have a question that
33:17
Speaker 5: I really want to ask you. We know that they're
33:20
Speaker 5: are love languages, rightlity, time, words of affirmation, blah blah blah,
33:25
Speaker 5: But what about pleasure languages?
33:28
Speaker 4: So we don't have like a formalized set of pleasure
33:32
Speaker 4: languages in the way that we do love languages. But
33:35
Speaker 4: there are other frameworks of understanding people's preferences. For example,
33:39
Speaker 4: there is something called the erotic blueprint, which is like
33:42
Speaker 4: a quiz you can do online.
33:44
Speaker 3: We love a quiz.
33:45
Speaker 4: And essentially the erotic Blueprint looks at how different people
33:52
Speaker 4: experience like eroticism and connection in different ways, and some
33:56
Speaker 4: examples could be One is like a central erotic blueprint
34:00
Speaker 4: where like you prefer the kind of like slow touch
34:03
Speaker 4: or like the intimacy or the affection. Another could be sexual,
34:08
Speaker 4: which is where it's the actual like acts of sex
34:11
Speaker 4: that kind of bring you the most pleasure. Another can
34:14
Speaker 4: be energetic, which the best way I can describe this
34:17
Speaker 4: is like the the Dynamics and like romanticy books of
34:20
Speaker 4: like the stars across the room or like slow you know,
34:23
Speaker 4: like even like Bridgeton as as Bridgeton.
34:26
Speaker 3: Right of like the long looks across the room. The yearning.
34:30
Speaker 4: Okay, you know who is like slaying yearning at the
34:33
Speaker 4: moment is Jacobal Lordie. I just watched Frankenstein so much
34:38
Speaker 4: like yearning, and that's very like energetic, right, It's very
34:41
Speaker 4: like it's you're not even touching kind of thing, and
34:44
Speaker 4: there's so much.
34:45
Speaker 3: Pleasure in that.
34:46
Speaker 5: You know who also slays it? Who sexiest? Jonathan Bailey? Yeah, absolutely,
34:51
Speaker 5: Season Bridge Get out of My Existence. And then the
34:56
Speaker 5: object of watched on the fucking plane home like nine
35:01
Speaker 5: hours and I was literally about to hump her in
35:02
Speaker 5: the chair. I was like, I have to go, yeah,
35:05
Speaker 5: lock the airplane door. Sorry sologub, I fucking wish Why
35:12
Speaker 5: which taking it so long?
35:16
Speaker 4: So yeah, the erotic blueprints, those are just some examples
35:18
Speaker 4: of like you can kind of then map okay, this
35:21
Speaker 4: is tense to turn me on. And what's helpful about that,
35:23
Speaker 4: like the love languages, is that you can be like,
35:25
Speaker 4: oh well, if I'm energetic and my partner is sensual
35:29
Speaker 4: or my partner's sexual or whatever, you can kind of go, well,
35:32
Speaker 4: I kind of need to speak that language a little more.
35:34
Speaker 4: I can like learn more about that and they can
35:36
Speaker 4: learn more about me.
35:37
Speaker 5: Yeah.
35:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's funny when.
35:39
Speaker 5: You clock it too, because we were at an event where
35:42
Speaker 5: it's like a I think love Honey was doing an
35:44
Speaker 5: event this is a while ago, and they had a
35:47
Speaker 5: sex therapist there and you got like a skin facial,
35:51
Speaker 5: like a skin and then you had like a consultation
35:54
Speaker 5: and we've also had people on the show and she
35:57
Speaker 5: was like describing things. You know, you can say things,
35:59
Speaker 5: and she started saying sexual things, and I got so
36:02
Speaker 5: hot and flustered, and she was like, Okay, so you're
36:05
Speaker 5: an audio person and I like never clocked that.
36:08
Speaker 2: It was like when people say things.
36:10
Speaker 5: And then another time we'd had someone on the podcast
36:12
Speaker 5: and they started like saying sexual things of examples that
36:15
Speaker 5: you could say, and again I started like getting.
36:20
Speaker 2: We were in it and I was like and she
36:22
Speaker 2: She's like, are you okay?
36:23
Speaker 5: And I was like, I'm getting really horny.
36:28
Speaker 2: She was so good about it.
36:30
Speaker 3: She was so funny. But so now we know like
36:33
Speaker 3: dirty talk is probably a.
36:34
Speaker 5: Jam and like an audio and I was like it's
36:37
Speaker 5: all coming together, like to see girl audio books blah
36:40
Speaker 5: blah blah.
36:41
Speaker 3: But there's that app called is it Quinn?
36:43
Speaker 2: Have you heard of it? Yeah?
36:45
Speaker 3: Quinn And I've used dipsy before.
36:47
Speaker 5: I've heard of and it's like horny audio books and
36:52
Speaker 5: Conrad Fisher from the Summer It turned pretty the actor
36:55
Speaker 5: has just done one.
36:58
Speaker 2: Such a smart person, I know, Key knows.
37:00
Speaker 5: Yeah.
37:01
Speaker 4: I feel like a lot of the actor boys have
37:03
Speaker 4: done the audio erotica, which is vibe.
37:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a big market out there.
37:07
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say we didn't have this as a question,
37:09
Speaker 1: but it popped into my mind before when you were
37:11
Speaker 1: talking about like pushing.
37:12
Speaker 2: Men to their limits in the bedroom.
37:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, and taking on those opportunities to pause and like
37:17
Speaker 1: say what you want or you need. And I wanted
37:20
Speaker 1: to ask you what your thoughts were around the conversations
37:23
Speaker 1: around condoms and protection in sex. And there's been some
37:28
Speaker 1: conversations recently about that being an ick, putting that pause
37:32
Speaker 1: in some of the momentum that you have during sex
37:35
Speaker 1: and during full play to ask if someone has a condom. Stereotypically,
37:39
Speaker 1: that was something that we would have thought was coming
37:41
Speaker 1: from men, but more recently we've had an example in
37:44
Speaker 1: pop culture where it did come from a woman, and
37:47
Speaker 1: she was talking about how like, oh, me and all
37:49
Speaker 1: my friends, like we all think that condoms are an
37:52
Speaker 1: it what Yeah, And I wanted to know what you
37:54
Speaker 1: thought about fascinating.
37:56
Speaker 4: So, first of all, I literally had this conversation with
37:59
Speaker 4: a client yesterday.
38:00
Speaker 2: Yeah.
38:00
Speaker 3: Secondly, the rates of syphilis are like through the roof.
38:03
Speaker 4: Because the younger generation, I'm not using condoms, so I'm
38:06
Speaker 4: not surprised to hear that. But essentially, one really easy
38:10
Speaker 4: way of having sexual health conversations, which are absolutely fundamental
38:14
Speaker 4: to your sense of sexual health but also informed consent
38:19
Speaker 4: is to have it before anything happens. So the reason
38:24
Speaker 4: it's important for informed consent is because if someone says, hey, yeah, look,
38:28
Speaker 4: I've got like herpes and I'm on like a daily
38:31
Speaker 4: medication and i haven't had any flare ups, like, and
38:34
Speaker 4: you know, i'd liked we can use a condom, you
38:36
Speaker 4: then have all the information that you might need to
38:40
Speaker 4: make a decision if you'd like to go forward. You
38:42
Speaker 4: might also like have sex with someone and say when
38:45
Speaker 4: was your last STI check and they say, oh, like
38:48
Speaker 4: I had one a couple of years ago. You go, well,
38:50
Speaker 4: have you had any unprotected sex since? And they go, well, yeah,
38:53
Speaker 4: you now have informed consent to be like what that.
38:55
Speaker 4: I don't feel comfortable having unprotected sex because there's a
38:58
Speaker 4: huge risk there. And so when these conversations happen, I
39:03
Speaker 4: really feel like people don't understand the importance of them
39:06
Speaker 4: until you've had chlamydia like me, Ah learned that that
39:10
Speaker 4: hard way. Yeah, Or you've had an unwanted like pregnancy
39:14
Speaker 4: or something like that. But essentially you have those scares
39:17
Speaker 4: and then you're like, fuck, these conversations really matter, and
39:21
Speaker 4: you will make them a priority. But you can make
39:24
Speaker 4: it easy, like it doesn't have to be an awkward conversation.
39:27
Speaker 4: You can be like kissing and be like, hey, I've
39:28
Speaker 4: like this is really fun. I kind of want this
39:30
Speaker 4: to go further, but like, is it okay if we
39:32
Speaker 4: just check in around like sexual health?
39:34
Speaker 3: When was your last test?
39:35
Speaker 4: Mine was like, then is there anything I need to
39:38
Speaker 4: know about your sexual health status?
39:40
Speaker 3: And that gives people an opportunity to.
39:41
Speaker 4: Say yes, like I have whatever, and that way it's
39:46
Speaker 4: like easy and when you go to have sex, you're
39:49
Speaker 4: not worrying about things. Condoms are really like important, Yeah,
39:56
Speaker 4: like shout out to condoms.
39:58
Speaker 3: Love condoms.
39:58
Speaker 4: Yeah, kind of blows my mind that a lot of
40:01
Speaker 4: people aren't doing it. But again, I feel like you'll
40:04
Speaker 4: have a scare and then you'll be like I'm never ever.
40:06
Speaker 3: Like I love condom.
40:08
Speaker 1: Yeahs are the best, because that's the thing, Like I
40:10
Speaker 1: don't want to shame anybody who doesn't enjoy using them,
40:14
Speaker 1: you know. But at the same time, it's so important
40:17
Speaker 1: and having those conversations around sexual health and protected sex
40:21
Speaker 1: is so important, and I just feel like, yeah, the
40:26
Speaker 1: fact that that was like in the conversation in recent ways,
40:29
Speaker 1: I was like, how are we here?
40:30
Speaker 4: Honestly, it's very surprising, and people calling it an ick
40:34
Speaker 4: is very shaming to be like that, it's an IQ.
40:37
Speaker 3: You want a condom? Oh?
40:38
Speaker 4: Sorry that I don't want to get an STI when
40:41
Speaker 4: did that become reversed?
40:43
Speaker 3: Yeah? Do you know what I mean?
40:44
Speaker 2: An actual ick is when someone doesn't want to.
40:46
Speaker 3: Prioritize sexual health.
40:47
Speaker 5: I agree, and doesn't want to prioritize you know, protection
40:52
Speaker 5: and having informed consent.
40:54
Speaker 3: That's the it.
40:54
Speaker 4: You know what, the hoddest thing a person's ever done. Okay,
40:58
Speaker 4: well that's an exaggeration, but essentially, this one person was like,
41:06
Speaker 4: ask me, like a man initiated, being like, hey, let's
41:09
Speaker 4: talk about sexual health.
41:10
Speaker 3: I was like, and then.
41:12
Speaker 4: He was like, I've got my results here if you
41:14
Speaker 4: want to see them. And I was like, marry me.
41:17
Speaker 4: I didn't marry him because although marriage might not have
41:23
Speaker 4: to stop that. But essentially the point is that he
41:26
Speaker 4: took initiative. He was incredibly responsible. It made me feel
41:29
Speaker 4: so safe, so comfortable to just relax into my pleasure
41:34
Speaker 4: knowing that again, this man wasn't like, oh was this
41:37
Speaker 4: so awkward or I was just killing No one has
41:39
Speaker 4: ever done that in the times that I've initiated these conversations.
41:43
Speaker 4: I've never had anyone do that, and if they have
41:46
Speaker 4: ever pushed back, I've been like, you have like issues, yeah.
41:51
Speaker 1: Well, like you don't deserve to fuck me seriously, But
41:54
Speaker 1: that was my concern. I was like, the last thing
41:56
Speaker 1: that we need is women telling men it's an ick
42:01
Speaker 1: to be looking for.
42:02
Speaker 2: A condom or to say I'm going to go into
42:04
Speaker 2: my bag and grab a condom.
42:05
Speaker 1: I was like.
42:08
Speaker 2: That, I'll show you it.
42:09
Speaker 4: That isn't even it's like a bit of a pickmy thing.
42:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like, are you saying that? I get it?
42:15
Speaker 3: Like I my pus does not like latex.
42:19
Speaker 2: So that's what I mean. That's I was like, I
42:20
Speaker 2: don't want to shame anyone because.
42:21
Speaker 3: I know latex allergy.
42:24
Speaker 4: Yeah, and so like it's not fun, but it's also again,
42:27
Speaker 4: I can have penetration for a little bit with a
42:29
Speaker 4: non latex condom and then guess what we can do
42:31
Speaker 4: lots of other things because we're in Las Vegas, baby.
42:33
Speaker 2: Like, Also, Lubi is a beautiful thing.
42:39
Speaker 3: Lubis are number one security.
42:42
Speaker 4: But I just think that it comes down to this
42:44
Speaker 4: idea of like, who made you feel like maybe shamed
42:48
Speaker 4: for wanting a condom that you then yeah, it's an
42:50
Speaker 4: ick and it's like, no, it's not, like actually, it's
42:53
Speaker 4: come from sexual health and like say for sex totally.
42:57
Speaker 3: Well, to wrap up.
42:58
Speaker 5: We always ask our guess it's the same final question,
43:01
Speaker 5: and it's what has been your number one life lesson
43:05
Speaker 5: on your sexual sex therapy journey so far?
43:09
Speaker 4: The number one life lesson that I think comes up
43:11
Speaker 4: literally every day in private practice is the fact that
43:15
Speaker 4: desire doesn't work the way that we think it does,
43:18
Speaker 4: and people have desire styles and a lot of why
43:23
Speaker 4: we think desire should be spontaneous and like immediate is
43:27
Speaker 4: because again, guess what girlies. Guess what the researchers did.
43:31
Speaker 4: They's daddied men and they went, yeah, I'm as women too, right,
43:37
Speaker 4: People were like actually, and so then again in like
43:40
Speaker 4: the nineties, there are a couple of researchers from the
43:43
Speaker 4: Kinsey Institute that were like, hold on spontaneous desire where
43:47
Speaker 4: you are interested in sex like almost immediately. Is actually
43:51
Speaker 4: seventy percent of men identify with that, but only what
43:56
Speaker 4: was it? Maybe like thirty percent of women? So what's
44:00
Speaker 4: happening for women? They research it and found that women
44:04
Speaker 4: majority of women often have something called responsive desire, meaning
44:08
Speaker 4: that they need a sexy context to respond to that.
44:12
Speaker 4: It takes time to build.
44:14
Speaker 3: Arousal and desire and that's normal.
44:17
Speaker 4: And I feel like that has been like transformative not
44:21
Speaker 4: only for understanding myself, but for helping clients who turn
44:25
Speaker 4: up to therapy feeling really or the girlies going why
44:28
Speaker 4: am I not having sex as much at the pub
44:30
Speaker 4: over the marks, going should I be you know, comparing
44:33
Speaker 4: It's like no, because it's normal for you. If you
44:36
Speaker 4: want sex once a month, normal, Like that's okay. And
44:41
Speaker 4: if you're experiencing it differently to your partner, that's normal.
44:44
Speaker 4: And it's just something to lack the erotic blueprints or
44:47
Speaker 4: anything love languages. You just got to understand, like what
44:51
Speaker 4: is unique for your body, your pleasure, and then communicate
44:55
Speaker 4: it and kind of work with that information.
44:58
Speaker 5: To support that goofy think that I've seen on the internet,
45:02
Speaker 5: which is a fabulous place to be, was there's such
45:06
Speaker 5: a thing as now Akatar babies because people got so
45:09
Speaker 5: horny reading akatars that they would have sex with their
45:12
Speaker 5: partners and they would get pregnant.
45:13
Speaker 2: They're the new baby boomer.
45:15
Speaker 3: Stop romantic is like healing. Women would be reading it
45:21
Speaker 3: and they'd be like, this is hot.
45:23
Speaker 5: So they go to their like you know, their their partner,
45:26
Speaker 5: their hubbies or whatever, and they'd be like, let's fuck.
45:29
Speaker 3: And then there was this thread crazy and it was
45:32
Speaker 3: like a woman and.
45:32
Speaker 5: She was like so like who else And people were
45:35
Speaker 5: like yep, moments from a court and silver flames like
45:38
Speaker 5: my like third child was an Akatar baby or blah
45:40
Speaker 5: blah blah because they got so horny reading a romancey
45:42
Speaker 5: book that they got pregnant from sixty times Wow healing.
45:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, so incredible, exactly, thank you, that's my last edition. No,
45:53
Speaker 2: that was amazing.
45:55
Speaker 5: Again, the importance of condoms when reading romanticity books.
45:58
Speaker 2: I iterate you yeah, definitely, Well, thank you so much,
46:02
Speaker 2: thank you and chatted like all we need to get
46:06
Speaker 2: you back on.
46:06
Speaker 1: But in the meantime, where can the chicks find you
46:09
Speaker 1: and learn more about you and what you do?
46:11
Speaker 4: So I'm on Instagram at Underscore the Pleasure Center. The
46:14
Speaker 4: Pleasure Center is my private practice where I see individuals
46:17
Speaker 4: and couples and I have a website, but you can
46:20
Speaker 4: find that on the Instagram.
46:22
Speaker 2: You have an amazing substack.
46:25
Speaker 3: You know what the substack is new?
46:27
Speaker 4: I love writing, like I really really enjoy it, and
46:31
Speaker 4: so I've been building out the substack. I have like
46:33
Speaker 4: mini podcast episodes on there, but I just call them
46:36
Speaker 4: voice notes because I'm cute, like attention span girly, I'm
46:41
Speaker 4: going ten minutes, ten minutes max. And I always just
46:44
Speaker 4: like drop a little nugget of, like I guess, educational
46:48
Speaker 4: wisdom based on what clients talk about. There's always like
46:51
Speaker 4: a theme in therapy, and that's kind of what inspires
46:54
Speaker 4: the voice notes. And then I write articles about like
46:57
Speaker 4: sex and relationships, but also my lived ex sperience kind
47:01
Speaker 4: of stuff.
47:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, amazing.
47:03
Speaker 1: Put links to everything by the same person, put links
47:06
Speaker 1: to everything in the show notes. But thank you so
47:08
Speaker 1: much for coming on, and thanks to your chicks for
47:09
Speaker 1: having us in your ear holes.
47:10
Speaker 3: We love to be here.
47:12
Speaker 2: Batch