Latest / Scrubbing In with Becca Tilley & Tanya Rad / Dear Banya: Therapy Thursday

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Dear Banya: Therapy Thursday · Scrubbing In with Becca Tilley & Tanya Rad

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: and two time People's Choice Award winning podcasts.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing In. It is Thursday, so
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: it is a Dear Bonya episode. But Becca's not here
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: with us today, and we have two special guests, and
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: so what we were kind of wanting to do with
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  Speaker 2: the podcast today is every Thursday we do a Dear Bonya.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: So it's like scrubbers email in their questions that they
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: needed advice on. And we have our guests who have
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: a podcast called Therapy Thursday where you're giving advice and
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  Speaker 2: you're giving your knowledge to people, so we figure, why
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  Speaker 2: not combine them.
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  Speaker 3: I love that you call them scrubbers.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's amazing. I love it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, our scrubbers. They need a lot of advice. And
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  Speaker 2: we are not professionals.
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  Speaker 4: We give our opinions, but we have a professional here.
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  Speaker 2: We have Sarah Dash She is a licensed psycho therapist. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: and you are part of Therapy Thursday with I Am
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  Speaker 2: you Want and only Ellen Kay.
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  Speaker 5: Yes.
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  Speaker 4: Ellen k needs no introduction.
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  Speaker 2: She is the voice of Los Angeles, the female voice
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  Speaker 2: on Los Angeles.
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  Speaker 5: Oh thanks, you are.
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  Speaker 4: I mean I could go on and on about you.
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  Speaker 5: But we have friends for a long time, for.
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  Speaker 4: A long time.
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  Speaker 2: Ellen K is the host of Coast one three point
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  Speaker 2: five's The ellen K Morning Show. But I mean, you
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  Speaker 2: have so many accolades. I mean I could go on
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  Speaker 2: and on.
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  Speaker 1: No, you don't need too, Tanya, thank you. That's a
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  Speaker 1: very nice introduction.
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  Speaker 3: She's amazing here, Charlie, amazing.
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  Speaker 1: Tanya and I have been friends for a very long time.
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  Speaker 1: We've been through a lot of life together.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, I met you, and I was twenty two, I
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  Speaker 2: think twenty two or twenty three.
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  Speaker 5: Yes, yeah, And Tanya was.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Just kind of going through finding the love of her life, yes,
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: and so that meant losing who she thought was the
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  Speaker 1: love of her life and moving on and also becoming
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  Speaker 1: a woman, Like I have watched you grow.
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  Speaker 5: Into being the woman you are today.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, Like I was like a kid, well.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: But you were you know, you know, I was embarrassing, nosed.
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  Speaker 5: Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 4: I thought that breakup was like the end of my life.
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  Speaker 4: Like I was like, I'm never going to find someone
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  Speaker 4: like him, and.
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  Speaker 6: Devastating, especially if it's that first big breakup's absolutely annihilating.
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  Speaker 2: But like I couldn't separate like my personal life and work.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Like I would come to work and I would just
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: like cry the whole time. I'm like, thank God, Like I.
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  Speaker 5: Feel like that's part of our jobs though, is that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we go through, other people are going through, and
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: so it's bringing us all together and relating to it.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that that was one of the your
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  Speaker 1: magic sauces.
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  Speaker 4: Oh thank you.
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  Speaker 2: Well, when I first started on on air, the Ryan Seacrest,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: alan Ka was the co host, and she was so
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: sweet to me, and we found out that we were
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: sorority sisters.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Oh wow, my sister was a Theta Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, yeah runs deep.
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  Speaker 5: Yes it does, it does, it does.
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  Speaker 4: But yeah, it was just like such a special time.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, really, this is a special time. We're so happy
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  Speaker 1: to be on your podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah okay, sorry, good, let's go back to Therapy Thursday.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: So you started Therapy Thursday on your morning show.
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: And then but for how long.
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  Speaker 1: It was just a radio feature. We were probably I
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: don't know, almost a year.
• 3:39
  Speaker 6: I would say six months, maybe not even that long.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And then there was you know these research projects
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: the company does. So there's a research project and I
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: got a call from our program director and he said, hey,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: can we talk? And I was like, oh no, Like
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  Speaker 1: he got the research back and listened to this, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, really do it? I don't really, I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: do I? And then he said, I said, why don't
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: you tell someone else to tell me? So he said, no,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: this is really good news. The research came back for
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: therapy Thursday, and the perceptuals and the verbatims they want more,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: and so I was like, that's great, so exciting.
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  Speaker 5: And then.
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  Speaker 1: And then they said, let's make it into a podcast.
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  Speaker 1: That way we can just like let it go and
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  Speaker 1: just talk and get the people on with us or
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  Speaker 1: the problems have.
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  Speaker 2: More time and have more time when you're on the radio,
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  Speaker 2: you're on a strict schedule.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And it's so fast.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Really, because we started on the radio, we were doing
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  Speaker 1: like therapy in three minutes.
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  Speaker 5: That's what we should have called it.
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  Speaker 6: That would have been perfect because it was like, I mean, never,
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  Speaker 6: never over five minutes.
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  Speaker 4: But can I be honest? But it's also nice sometimes.
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  Speaker 5: It is you know what, You're right, it's like speed dating.
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  Speaker 2: It's like yes, because sometimes my biggest gripe with therapy
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  Speaker 2: is that I go in and I just feel like.
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  Speaker 4: I'm unloading for a full hour. H and it drains me.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I love therapy, like I see like I'm like
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  Speaker 2: such an advocate. I love it so much, but sometimes
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  Speaker 2: I feel like if I'm doing multiple a week, it's draining.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, what do you say that, because you're you're on
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  Speaker 5: the other.
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  Speaker 6: Side about doing like multiple sessions a week or like.
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  Speaker 1: This therapy, say, Tanya is your patient, right and client
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  Speaker 1: and she's there unloading? Does it also is it also
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  Speaker 1: draining for the therapist? For me, it's absolutely not okay.
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  Speaker 1: For me, it's I find it energizing. I find it inspirational.
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  Speaker 1: And I'll tell you what we were talking about looping earlier.
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  Speaker 1: How you can get in your brain and you looping
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  Speaker 1: like it's basically like rumination where from the past or
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I mean something where you're just kind of rehearsing that
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: scenario over and over, like you're telling the story to
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  Speaker 1: yourself about the guy.
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  Speaker 3: Huh exactly.
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  Speaker 1: And loop it's a different it's it can it can
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  Speaker 1: morph and change and it can get worse or it
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: can get better. Yeah, So that's your loop. So you
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  Speaker 1: got out of your loop. And some people according to Sarah,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: because you were talking about never get out of.
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  Speaker 3: Their loop and you can stay stuck in your head.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so you're stuck in your head. So like, let's
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: say that you can't get over this guy, well, you
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  Speaker 1: keep looping him and so you're looking.
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  Speaker 4: You only remember the good stuff, right or or the
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  Speaker 4: bad stuff.
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  Speaker 6: That's why people have really like black and white memories
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  Speaker 6: in regard to a past relationship.
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  Speaker 1: So when you finally got out of your loop with him,
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  Speaker 1: you kind of freed yourself and to other people.
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  Speaker 5: I mean, so you broke the loop.
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  Speaker 4: He broke the loop for me.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, then, but then it was up to you to
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  Speaker 2: move on, to step into my power, and you didn't.
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  Speaker 6: And that's and that's okay, that's amazing. That's what you
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  Speaker 6: want to have happened. In terms of doing like a
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  Speaker 6: speed kind of session, I think it's amazing. I think
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  Speaker 6: it's really helpful. Sometimes you just like hit the points
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  Speaker 6: and I really do never get overwhelmed or feel drained
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  Speaker 6: because it is so interteresting and it gets me out
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  Speaker 6: of my own loop.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm.
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  Speaker 3: With whoever I'm talking to.
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  Speaker 2: But it's cool that you guys have this as something
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  Speaker 2: for people like, you know, like because you can't do
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  Speaker 2: you can't book a five minute session with a therapist, right,
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  Speaker 2: you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 4: And so it's like this is.
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  Speaker 2: Kind of their way of getting a quick hit if
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  Speaker 2: they need something, you know what I mean, instead of
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  Speaker 2: like booking a full hour exactly.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: Like this lady called she was set to get married.
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  Speaker 1: Her wedding's four months out, and her husband to be
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  Speaker 1: couldn't make it to some kind of family dinner. So
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  Speaker 1: the brother flies in from Miami and he's like this single,
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  Speaker 1: like he's the man, right, So he goes to the dinner.
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  Speaker 1: She goes to the dinner, and she's like electrified through
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  Speaker 1: her body by this guy. And he brushes up against
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  Speaker 1: her and she was like, oh my god, this guy
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  Speaker 1: is like turning me on just by touch.
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  Speaker 5: Then walks through.
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  Speaker 1: To her car and says, if only we had met earlier.
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  Speaker 1: So he's like, this is his brother's going to marry
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  Speaker 1: this girl?
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  Speaker 3: That's so gross, right and pretty intent.
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  Speaker 5: She couldn't stop thinking about him, but.
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  Speaker 6: Like to the point of thinking I shouldn't get married.
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  Speaker 6: I'm having such intense feelings for this other guy.
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  Speaker 5: So what do you tell his brother?
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  Speaker 1: So so That's the beauty of the five minute is
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  Speaker 1: that we didn't have Like Sarah doesn't have time to
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  Speaker 1: really dig in and just said, you know, you gave
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  Speaker 1: it to her straight.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: I can't remember that.
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  Speaker 6: I'm trying to remember, but I said, oh, oh, the
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  Speaker 6: transgression arousals?
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  Speaker 5: Okay, have you ever wanted?
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  Speaker 6: It's when something is erotic because it's taboo, and if
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  Speaker 6: it weren't taboo, you really really cared.
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  Speaker 3: That much about it. But it's like what's elusive and.
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  Speaker 5: Bad makes it? Did you ever have that? Tell us
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  Speaker 5: about your transgression?
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  Speaker 4: But I never, like you just.
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  Speaker 5: Want because it's bad.
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  Speaker 4: I've never been that girl.
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  Speaker 5: Okay, I don't.
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  Speaker 4: I like following the rules.
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  Speaker 2: I like, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not
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  Speaker 2: like a rule breaker, literally need the taboo.
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  Speaker 1: Has ever had transgressional arousal? We'll have to ask you.
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  Speaker 4: That's something I've never asked her, but I think I
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  Speaker 4: should a.
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  Speaker 3: Pretty interesting conversation.
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  Speaker 2: But what I was listening to you were giving somebody advice.
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  Speaker 2: It was like they were with somebody. The details aren't
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  Speaker 2: exactly accurate. I'm just going off my memory, but she
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: was with someone for like eight years and they were
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: engaged for five years and he wouldn't like talk about
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  Speaker 2: getting married.
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  Speaker 5: Yes, And he kept.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: Saying it's not the right time, it's not the right time.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And like you said this line, you were like, drop
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: the word time, and I.
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: Was like that that means it's not right.
• 9:48
  Speaker 5: It's not right.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I was like that's a good one, really
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  Speaker 2: good about it.
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  Speaker 4: I was like, that's deep.
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  Speaker 5: Right, it's not the right time. It's not just the
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  Speaker 5: word time.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:59
  Speaker 5: Se, So that's in a quickie form.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Like I'm always amazed by Sarah because she can just
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  Speaker 1: get right to it because you you've seen and heard
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  Speaker 1: so much.
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  Speaker 4: And you're trained to do that.
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  Speaker 5: I'm trained to do that. Yeah, right, I know.
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  Speaker 2: I'm always like I'm anytime I have, like I talked
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: to my therapist about something, I'm just like, how do
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: you see it? Like I'm like, I wish I had
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: it inherently in me to like have that ship or
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: see the other side, you know what I mean.
• 10:27
  Speaker 6: Like you might have it inherently when it comes to
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  Speaker 6: hearing what's going on with somebody else, But I don't
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  Speaker 6: think any of us are able to look at things
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  Speaker 6: accurately in the same way that somebody else can when
• 10:38
  Speaker 6: they're hearing it.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Do you have sorry, and then we're going to get
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: to some advice, But do you have any do you
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: like clients or patients better?
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  Speaker 3: I think either one.
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: I think clients.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: I usually say.
• 10:51
  Speaker 5: Clients, but either one is like they're like they're sick.
• 10:56
  Speaker 6: It was going to say it can be pathologizing, right,
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  Speaker 6: So that's I think request some people.
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  Speaker 2: So, do you have any clients that are kind of
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: like always waiting for the shoe to drop, like my
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: life is too good, something bad is going to happen, like.
• 11:12
  Speaker 6: A type of anticipatory anxiety where they're kind of in
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  Speaker 6: that state.
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  Speaker 4: Absolutely, what is that?
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  Speaker 6: I think that ultimately that's about keeping ourselves safe because
• 11:24
  Speaker 6: we're prepared for that bad thing. And I think if
• 11:29
  Speaker 6: somebody is used to being in that space, it actually
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  Speaker 6: doesn't feel safe to feel safe because your guard is
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  Speaker 6: no longer up.
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  Speaker 3: So it's really counterintuitive.
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  Speaker 6: But if my mind stays just a little bit anxious,
• 11:44
  Speaker 6: a little bit on guard, that actually gives me a
• 11:47
  Speaker 6: feeling of safety.
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: Oh okay, so it's not bad to have that.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Because I was having this conversation with some friends over
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: the weekend and I thought it so interesting that like
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: some people just don't have that like that chip at all,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: and then it's like plagues them. Oh right, I'm kind
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: of in the middle, like it doesn't plague me, but
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: I do have it. Like I'm like, Okay, things are
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: like good right now, what's going to happen?
• 12:10
  Speaker 6: And you don't want it to steal your joy? Yeah,
• 12:13
  Speaker 6: you know, you don't want it to take you out
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  Speaker 6: of the present moment. So I think it is a
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  Speaker 6: fine line in somebody who's just blissfully unaware, right, yes,
• 12:23
  Speaker 6: and you know, versus our thinking about something you know constantly.
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  Speaker 6: But it's it's I don't really think of it as
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  Speaker 6: good or bad. It's just protective. It's just part of
• 12:34
  Speaker 6: the human condition for some people.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, we're going to get into a couple of emails.
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: If you don't mind, I would love that.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: This is from Anonymous. I'm thirty one and currently going
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: through a divorce after leaving an abusive marriage. For the
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: first time, I think I may have feelings for a woman.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: I'm open to exploring that possibility, But the complication is
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: that she's my coworker and I'm technically above her at work.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: She's openly gay, openly gay, and for months there's been
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: a lot of flirting, teasing, eye contact, and what feels
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: like chemistry. At times, she seems interested, but she also
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: has turned down invitations to hang out outside of work. Recently,
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: she invited me out for drinks after work, and I
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: thought it might be a one on one hangout, but
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: a couple of days later she suggested inviting other coworkers,
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: which left me even more confused. Now I'm wondering if
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: I'm reading too much into it. How do I figure
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: out if there's something there without making things awkward at
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: work or ruining the friendship.
• 13:41
  Speaker 6: I think it's really complicated, and I'm going to say
• 13:45
  Speaker 6: what I think, but I want to hear what you think.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, I think that she should find someone else to
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: explore the female.
• 13:51
  Speaker 5: Relationship outside of work.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Outside of work, I feel like she's kind of making
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: a mess.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with that completely, so accompanying exactly.
• 14:02
  Speaker 6: It's not a good idea, especially with her being her subordinate.
• 14:06
  Speaker 6: That's not it's not a good idea. And it seems
• 14:09
  Speaker 6: like that this woman has mixed feelings about it as well,
• 14:13
  Speaker 6: because she keeps sort of moving closer and then pulling
• 14:15
  Speaker 6: back plans. Then she invites other people. You know, she
• 14:19
  Speaker 6: turns down offers the plans. I think that the woman
• 14:22
  Speaker 6: that she's interested in since is that.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: But this is why it's good to have you guys here,
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: because if I was just what would you do?
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: It would have been like shoot your shot?
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Oh see, I was thinking, see what's asking?
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: But you're okay, Say.
• 14:37
  Speaker 5: You're her, Say you're anonymous.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: You're experimenting like you don't think right, So why experiment
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: with something.
• 14:43
  Speaker 5: That could love in your face?
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: Correct or someone?
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah you can hurt and you really don't want that,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: but you just want to see I don't know, do
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I like women? Let me go find someone super fun, right,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: who I feel comfortable with, who I could I don't know,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: explore this.
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: With and then make up my mind right, But I
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: don't know.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: No, it's actually my really smart advice. My advice is.
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: Questionable.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, this is from anonymous friends attended x ex's wedding. Okay,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: So my ex husband and I divorced two and a
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: half years ago after ten years together. It was mostly amicable.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: The challenge is that our friend groups are deeply intertwined.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: This weekend, my best my three best friends traveled to
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Charleston for my ex husband's wedding, and I found out
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: through Instagram photos. What hurt was that none of them
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: gave me a heads up or checked in beforehand. They
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: said that they had mentioned they they've said they didn't
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: mention it because they didn't want to upset me or
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: bring up painful memories. But to me, a wedding feels
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: like a big enough event that a close friend would
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: at least acknowledge for context. I'm in a wonderful relationship myself.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: This isn't about wanting him back. It's just about feeling
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: supported by the people I considered my closest friend.
• 15:52
  Speaker 5: Oh that hurts, Yeah, it is.
• 15:54
  Speaker 6: I mean, I understand that most people are hesitant to
• 15:58
  Speaker 6: have difficult discussions, but I think that's something we owe
• 16:02
  Speaker 6: our friends and the people we care about, is the
• 16:04
  Speaker 6: willingness to have an uncomfortable conversation. And that didn't happen
• 16:08
  Speaker 6: in the situation. And that's why it's so hurtful.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because if you really care about the person, you're
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: going to put it out there, no matter how painful
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: it's going to be. Yeah, And then to find out
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: on social media that, to me, that's just like the
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: worst because we all done it. We'd all opened up
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: someone's whatever and seen something and go out like that.
• 16:28
  Speaker 5: Of course that hurts it. I didn't know.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: That this was happening or well, I felt like I
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: was really close with this person, but they didn't share this.
• 16:37
  Speaker 6: Yeah, and the betrayal is not that they attended the wedding.
• 16:39
  Speaker 6: I mean, she says that the friend groups are intertwined.
• 16:42
  Speaker 6: It's that they didn't have that. They were not willing
• 16:45
  Speaker 6: to have that difficult conversation.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: They chose their Let's say they had the conversation, how
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: would they have it? Because I'm like, I'm not trying
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: to run through my head. Okay, let's say I really
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: can't even put myself in this situation right now. But like, okay,
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: so I'm going to somebody's wedding that one of my
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: best friends.
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: Was dating in the past, right right, how do I.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Even start that conversation? Like, Hey, I just want to
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: let you know we're going to so and so's wedding.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: That's perfect? Is that not Awkward's And that's the thing
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: is it's going to be awkward. Embrace it. You can
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: even say this is awkward.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I would love starting conversations like that, like
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: this is gonna be really hard to say, but it
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: can or this is.
• 17:23
  Speaker 6: I'm telling you something. I'm going to tell you something
• 17:25
  Speaker 6: it may be hard to hear, and you go into it.
• 17:28
  Speaker 6: There's nothing wrong with that, and I think people deeply
• 17:31
  Speaker 6: appreciate that.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: I know I like to I feel like I shy
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: away from awkwardness too, But it's not the right thing
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: to do.
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: Most people do.
• 17:38
  Speaker 6: We don't like we hate the idea of making somebody
• 17:41
  Speaker 6: else feel bad unless you're a psychopath. So by virtue
• 17:45
  Speaker 6: of the fact that you're not a psychopath, it doesn't
• 17:47
  Speaker 6: feel good, and that's that's not a bad thing that
• 17:50
  Speaker 6: it doesn't feel good. It also doesn't mean you should
• 17:52
  Speaker 6: do it just because it doesn't feel good.
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: I have a.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Problem too with that confrontation, Like I when, for instance,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: there's someone I know who if I tell her a
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: piece of information will actually help her life, I don't
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: know if it's my business to tell her, and I
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: feel awkward telling her.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: What's the concern? What's your worst case scenario?
• 18:15
  Speaker 5: I mean, I guess there isn't one if it's going
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: to help her life.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: But is it that, like she won't be my friend anymore.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: I mean I know that. I mean like to break
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: it down to like a super kind of Oh.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: No, I guess not. I guess there really is. I
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: guess it's just more that I don't want to have
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: to say I don't want have to have to be
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: the one to say it.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you don't want to be the bearer.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Of bad news and not even really bad news, just
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: like pay attention to this, like, yeah, you know what
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 18:45
  Speaker 5: I don't know. I have a hard time with that.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so tough because I feel like even sometimes
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: like we'll get a lot of emails or people saying, like,
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: I know my friend is about to marry a bad guy. Yes, right,
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: and like, you know, should I say something? And my
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: advice is always.
• 19:05
  Speaker 5: No, yeah, let her learn for herself, right.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Because if you say something and then they're in their
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: head about it, and then they end up not getting married,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: and then it's on you, And it.
• 19:14
  Speaker 6: Depends, I think, on whether it's just a feeling or
• 19:17
  Speaker 6: there's evidence that he was left with somebody else, sure,
• 19:24
  Speaker 6: a person No, no, no, no, this happened to tell us.
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: I was in college. I didn't like my friend's boyfriend.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I thought he was like, not a great guy, and
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: I told her, and I will never do it again
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: because she ended up marrying him. Okay, now great, Yeah,
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: and now I'm like the you know, the one that
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: I didn't believe in him.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: So yeah, not my rodeo, not my poney.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I understand the hesitation you had that experience.
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it scarred me.
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: It was traumatic. Yeah it sounds like it was.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, I wasn't. Okay from anonymous. These are all anonymous.
• 20:04
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: I'm thirteen weeks pregnant with my first child, and my
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: husband and I are thrilled. My boss and I have
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: worked together for years and are also friends outside of work.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: She helped me grow professionally, but I've also worked hard
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: to earn my raises and promotions. This year, five women
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: on our team became pregnant around the same time, creating
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: overlapping maternity leaves and added stress for management. When I
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: told my boss I was pregnant, her initial reaction was great,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: I'll just quit. She later apologized, and I thought we
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: had moved past it. Recently, I learned she's been telling
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: coworkers that after everything she's done for me professionally, she
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: feels like I've taken advantage of her and that this
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: is how I've repaid her.
• 20:43
  Speaker 5: She has even.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Questioned whether our relationship can recover because of my pregnancy.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Hearing that was incredibly hurtful because I never viewed my
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: career opportunities as something that gave anyone a say in
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: when I start my family. How do I maintain this
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: relationship moving forward without taking on guilt that doesn't belong
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: to me.
• 21:01
  Speaker 4: That's loaded.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: That's pretty serious.
• 21:04
  Speaker 6: I mean it comes that's I think pretty deeply inappropriate. Yeah,
• 21:10
  Speaker 6: to even make a comment about somebody else's pregnancy and
• 21:14
  Speaker 6: their life choices.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: You know, I want to hear your advice on this,
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: But then I want to go into a dovetail of
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: this conversation.
• 21:23
  Speaker 6: Oh I'm sorry, right now you want to hear my advice, Like.
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: What what would you tell her to do in this situation?
• 21:33
  Speaker 6: God, this is complicated because it is her boss, so
• 21:37
  Speaker 6: you're kind of limited in how direct.
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: It you should probably be.
• 21:43
  Speaker 6: I think there's something to be said for just pulling back, gently,
• 21:47
  Speaker 6: pulling back maybe a little bit more boundaried. And as
• 21:51
  Speaker 6: far as what she says, it depends on the context.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: In terms of.
• 21:58
  Speaker 6: Where she would like to see that relation in the future,
• 22:01
  Speaker 6: Like is this a relationship where she wants to maintain
• 22:05
  Speaker 6: a personal connection or would she feel better kind of
• 22:08
  Speaker 6: moving it into a professional sphere only.
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: Right like picking a lane, Yeah, exactly.
• 22:16
  Speaker 5: Yeah, what's your dovetail?
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: My dovetail is the whole, like the pregnancy culture with
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: women and work. I feel like I had a girlfriend
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: who got her dream job and she wanted to start
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: a family like right away, but she was like, I
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: can't do that because I just got my dream job,
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: so I can't just like go on maternity leave, And
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: so she put it off, trying trying for her baby
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: for like a year, and then she ended up having
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: a harder time getting pregnant than she thought. And it
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: just made me like sad because I'm just like, as women,
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: like we do, we have to think about all these things,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: you know, like and it's like such a hard Starting
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: a family is like such a hard thing in and
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: of itself, but then you add that layer of like
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: career onto it, and it's just like tough. How do
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: you navigate? Do you deal with women that have to
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: deal with any of this stuff?
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: I do deal with that, and it comes up.
• 23:11
  Speaker 6: I think comes up more often than we wish it
• 23:14
  Speaker 6: did because of exactly the reasons that you said that
• 23:18
  Speaker 6: it's complicated. It's not like you just decide to do
• 23:21
  Speaker 6: this one day and then you just switch into something
• 23:23
  Speaker 6: else the next day. If you choose to have a child,
• 23:26
  Speaker 6: you are simultaneously a mother and a career person, right,
• 23:30
  Speaker 6: And I don't know that our culture is as supportive
• 23:35
  Speaker 6: as it should be.
• 23:36
  Speaker 5: Okay, I have a movie forew to watch both of you.
• 23:39
  Speaker 5: We haven't seen it yet.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Sasha Varon Cohen is the star of Ladies First. Okay,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: and so what have you heard of it?
• 23:46
  Speaker 5: Yeah?
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: I know it's band new. Oh yeah, it's brand new.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: I think it just came out this weekend actually. And
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: he is just the worst kind of male boss.
• 23:57
  Speaker 5: You know.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: He objectifies the women, he puts them in all the rules,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: and he's the man, and then he works with the man.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: So these two men they're just like they're like just pigs.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Well it's a huge, successful company. And one day he
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: is chasing one of his employees out who wants to
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: quit because she doesn't want to work for Pig anymore.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: And he hits his head and when he comes to
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, all the roles are reversed. Now
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: the women are in charge of the world, and he's objectified,
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: so all the billboards instead of being like sexy women,
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: it's like a man with his butt cheeks out.
• 24:33
  Speaker 5: And now he is the lower ring guy.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: And the people that used to be his minions are
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: now running the company, like the cleaning lady is now
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: the owner of this other woman he put at the
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: front desk just because he didn't trust that she could
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: do anything else, is now the CEO. Wow, And the
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: girl he was running after becomes his boss. And he
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: has to go to all these dinners and he dresses
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: sexy trying to get attention, and it just shows really
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: how objectified women are in the workplace. And it's just
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: so great the journey that he goes through and he
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: comes out, of course, he comes out a better guy.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: I don't want to do a spoiler alert, but it's
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: a really funny kind of dark dark humor no humor comedy.
• 25:18
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's really it's really fun and funny.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: And then you see, because it's so extreme, you see
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: how hard it is for women, like truly hard it
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: is for us versus men. Because most of the men
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: are the decision makers, and so when they flipped it around,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: it was great because they even they did every detail,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Like he would go to these dinners, the women would
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: be in these suits, and then he would have like
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: this low cut shirt on and showing his boobs basically,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: and then he was invited over to the CEO's penthouse, right,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: and she answers in a robe.
• 25:55
  Speaker 5: It's like Harvey.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Weinstein, kind of stuffy, but it's a great and you see,
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: I think every man needs to watch it.
• 26:03
  Speaker 5: I think every woman needs to watch it.
• 26:04
  Speaker 6: Sound funny, It sounds really funny, but it also sounds
• 26:07
  Speaker 6: that it touches on some pretty important things, yes, which
• 26:09
  Speaker 6: I think is what a great movie ideally does, even
• 26:13
  Speaker 6: a comedy.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I just think I feel like being a woman, especially
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: a career woman, is just like such an interesting, layered,
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: complex thing to be in twenty twenty six. Yeah, you know,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: like I'm just going through it now, where like my
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: friends are like going on attorney leave and they're like
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: it's the weirdest thing, going from like grinding every single
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: day to them being swept into this like other world,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: watching like somebody fill in for you or whatever.
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: Your whatever's happening.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, your maternity to leave
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: is up, and then you have to transition back to
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: that with like all this going on at home, like
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: it's so crazy.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Happened on our show. So Darlene, my producer, she got pregnant.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: We were all happy for her. She was an unexpected pregnancy,
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: like she's like it's an IUD fail, but she was
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: the real They were so happy, and she has now
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: the most adorable four year old boy, like such a
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: blessing in their lives. He came into their world and
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: they have she's a sixty or eighteen year old and
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: a sixteen year old and now a four year old,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: so he has brought so much joy to their lives.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: But when she came back after her maternity leave, she
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: had had a fill in and it was it was
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: awkward for all of us, like we were so happy
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: to have her back, but then we'd also fall in
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: love with her fill in.
• 27:39
  Speaker 5: So it was like this weird but great transition.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, of course, like we missed her so much,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: but I can remember having these conversations with her and
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: she was like it felt so weird to like hear
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: someone doing my thing.
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you know what I mean.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: And we're in the radio, so sometimes she'd be on
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: the race, so it was it was all very like uncomfortable. Yeah,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: even and we'd be a woman and then having a
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: woman and having done maturnity leave myself and having women
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: fill in for me and then coming back you know,
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: it just it's it is. You're right, it's a really
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: awkward thing because you're also hormonal. Yeah, and then you're
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: like you've been through so much and then you're coming
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: back to a world that's basically the same, yes, and
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: so it's kind of like this Twilight.
• 28:22
  Speaker 6: I mean, it's it's a big transition and it's like
• 28:25
  Speaker 6: this temporary transition. You can go into it and then
• 28:27
  Speaker 6: you're yank back.
• 28:28
  Speaker 5: Yes yeah, yeah, you're not even.
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: The same person exactly exactly.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: But I tell you, I think your priorities shift and
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: then not in a bad way, but in a good
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: way where now you're like really super woman because now
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: you're like, I've got it's Christmas every day, I have
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: my baby, I'm back at work, I love it, and
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I'm and then you just want to like do your
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: best at both.
• 28:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: So but there is that awkwardness that the re entry
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: period is strange.
• 28:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm a friend Mary to it.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah to a he's a movie actor, so he goes
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: away for three months at a time and she's like,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: re entry sucks. He comes back and dumps his laundry
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: and we're like strangers in the house again. And even
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: though they're facetiming every night, right've been married for you know,
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: fifteen years. Re Entry when for anyone, let alone also
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: a pregnancy, I think, is a really hard thing for humans.
• 29:25
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean there's so many changes all at once,
• 29:28
  Speaker 6: Like you mentioned physical changes, relationships within the partnership. You know,
• 29:33
  Speaker 6: if you're having a child with somebody, then you have
• 29:36
  Speaker 6: the career element.
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: So it's a lot.
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a lot at once.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I think that you know, as women, we we don't
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I don't think we celebrate ourselves enough or or really
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: like look at what we do, do you know what
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I mean? I mean I know that you you are
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: a big advocate for powerful women.
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but it's like that's right.
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: But I don't think.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: I don't think that we carry out with us every
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: day as much as we should.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, And it's like we are so awesome,
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: it's so complex and like we also feel things so much,
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: and like, I don't know, I've.
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: Just obviously been having these like.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: Existential conversations like myself, I was a late.
• 30:22
  Speaker 5: I don't know, but I.
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: Feel like, do you think most are most of your
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: clients women?
• 30:27
  Speaker 6: I would say about sixty sixty five percent women?
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: What's the biggest thing that you I know that there's
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: like client privileges and you can't share specifics or anything that,
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: but like, what's like the biggest overarching theme that you
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: see in a lot of your way clients.
• 31:00
  Speaker 5: That's a great question.
• 31:01
  Speaker 6: I think it's not really that different from my male clients.
• 31:07
  Speaker 6: It's most of it is relational within a partnership, maybe family, friends,
• 31:13
  Speaker 6: co workers. So whatever's going on oftentimes presents as relational,
• 31:19
  Speaker 6: whether it's a man or a woman, and then you
• 31:21
  Speaker 6: kind of dig more deeply into the reasons for that.
• 31:28
  Speaker 5: Sarah always says people be peopling.
• 31:31
  Speaker 4: Well, I do find that.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: I do find it, like relationships so interesting because I
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: feel like two humans. Yeah, we're born raised differently, right,
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: deal with things differently, and then you're in a relationship
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: and you have to figure out how you do things together.
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: That's not a natural thing, right.
• 31:54
  Speaker 5: It's not a lot of compromise.
• 31:57
  Speaker 6: It has a lot of compromise, and it is a
• 31:59
  Speaker 6: huge adjustment period.
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: For both people.
• 32:02
  Speaker 6: Yeah, but hopefully within that adjustment you kind of grow
• 32:07
  Speaker 6: together and it's actually part of what strengthens that bond.
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: I remember when I just met my now husband, when
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: we would fight, like when we didn't really fight that much,
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: but like you know, you have disagreements and arguments, right,
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: He always needed to like step away and like process
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: and I used to be anxiously attached, so I would
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: need to talk it out right then and there, like
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I could There's no way I could go.
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: To sleep, sleep on this and then talk in the morning.
• 32:33
  Speaker 4: Like I was like, this is crazy.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: And so it took like a couple rounds of arguments
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: where we both were just like having to like be
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: like I was like I can't just go to sleep
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: and like not talk about things, and He's like, well,
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: I can't just like hash things out when I'm tired,
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: you know. So I had to like come to a
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: compromise and like now we have a kind of a
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: good flow going to have these situations.
• 32:55
  Speaker 4: But it took a minute to get there.
• 32:56
  Speaker 6: It does take a minute, because, as you said, you're
• 32:59
  Speaker 6: talking about two different people who regulate themselves differently like you.
• 33:04
  Speaker 3: It sounds like regulate like through that.
• 33:07
  Speaker 6: Connection through resolution, where for your partner he regulated by
• 33:12
  Speaker 6: having a little bit of space to regulate and then.
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: He moves back towards you.
• 33:16
  Speaker 6: Yeah, but at the beginning, especially if you don't have
• 33:20
  Speaker 6: a sense of safety within that, it can be pretty
• 33:23
  Speaker 6: destabilizing for both people.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so true, so true, because I always thought space
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: meant like, oh, you're going to take like the ultimate space.
• 33:32
  Speaker 6: Yeah, space of space mint abandonment exactly. And that's why
• 33:40
  Speaker 6: if people are arguing and they have those two different
• 33:43
  Speaker 6: attachment styles, what I always tell people is space is
• 33:47
  Speaker 6: often good, but space needs to be taken with the
• 33:50
  Speaker 6: understanding I'll be back in an hour, you brit me
• 33:52
  Speaker 6: back in two hours, I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Right.
• 33:55
  Speaker 6: As long as the anxiously attached person has an understanding
• 34:00
  Speaker 6: of the expectation, they're usually okay. And that can change
• 34:04
  Speaker 6: that dialogue one hundred percent.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: Do you believe in all that, like the attachment style
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: one hundred languages, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, especially attachment style.
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you can learn.
• 34:14
  Speaker 6: So much and understand somebody with a pretty accurate degree
• 34:18
  Speaker 6: of clarity once you know.
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: The attachment style.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: Do you I feel like, what population of the world
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: are securely attached?
• 34:25
  Speaker 5: Do you know that.
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: Around fifty that many?
• 34:29
  Speaker 6: That's the latest number, that was around fifty percent by.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: That So secure meaning no worries, not no worries, not
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: no worries.
• 34:41
  Speaker 4: My husband is securely attached.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: So he's like, doesn't really need much validation, Like he
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: knows I love him, he knows even if we take
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: some space, like doesn't mean like.
• 34:53
  Speaker 5: The wakay, just like that's a confidence in the relationship.
• 34:56
  Speaker 6: Yes, and a confidence in himself where even if things
• 35:01
  Speaker 6: go awry with somebody, you know that you're going to
• 35:03
  Speaker 6: be okay.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: You don't have that life and.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: Death okay that comes securely attached.
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you probably are securely attached.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: Like I don't feel I feel like we'll always work
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: it out and I don't feel anxiety when an issue arises.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: I feel like, oh, you know, well and even more
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: as time goes by. Yeah, like I feel I feel
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: like yeah, but I didn't like really know the definition
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: of that securely attached.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: It's securely attached, anxiously attached, and what's the last time.
• 35:33
  Speaker 6: There's like secure, and then you have anxious, and then
• 35:38
  Speaker 6: there's avoidant.
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: Within that Becca's avoidant.
• 35:41
  Speaker 6: There's a smaller category avoidant. She really, Yeah, how does
• 35:45
  Speaker 6: that show up between the two of you?
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: It's awful?
• 35:48
  Speaker 5: No, I mean with with you or with her partner?
• 35:51
  Speaker 4: No, no, no, but with us as a friendship?
• 35:52
  Speaker 5: Oh okay, yeah, I mean we're best.
• 35:54
  Speaker 4: Friends, so like, yeah, it's not.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: She's probably you guys, I'm sure you talk about it
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: a lot. Yes, yes, So she avoids what.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: She avoids conflict confrontation, Like she just like she'll just
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: shut it out, she'll shut it down, and I'm like
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: the anxious one, so I'm like needing it from.
• 36:11
  Speaker 6: Her very So how have you negotiated that within your friendship?
• 36:17
  Speaker 4: A great question.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: I think that we both know who each other the
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: other person is, so like she'll know when she needs
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: to like give me a little more, and I'll know
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: when to back off of her love.
• 36:32
  Speaker 5: So you guys compromise, Yeah, we compromise.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're because you were friends with
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: Becca before you met your husband? Do you feel like
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: your friendship and the way your energies mix attracted you
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: to a man like your husband.
• 36:48
  Speaker 5: He's not avoidant, but he's.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Like he's like the amazing And what's funny is they're
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: very similar.
• 36:56
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's I'm wondering, Like, did you see a.
• 36:58
  Speaker 4: Little fiance is very similar to me?
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, Usually anxious and avoidant pair.
• 37:04
  Speaker 6: That's why when you said your husband was secure, I
• 37:08
  Speaker 6: was like, that's interesting because more oft than not secure
• 37:12
  Speaker 6: will pair with secure. Okay, anxious and avoidant. It's almost
• 37:17
  Speaker 6: like magnets.
• 37:18
  Speaker 5: That's interesting fit each other. That's cool.
• 37:21
  Speaker 4: That's so funny.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: I think I'm more securely attached now, like I was, like,
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: I'm like night and day compared to how it was
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: in the beginning.
• 37:29
  Speaker 6: Well, there's there's such a thing as earned secure. Yeah,
• 37:32
  Speaker 6: you can become secure. Yeah we've earned it telling yeah,
• 37:36
  Speaker 6: yes you earned it.
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: Finally, I thank you guys so much for good.
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: This was amazing.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: Tell everybody when the podcast drops, where they can listen,
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: where they can watch, where they can follow all the things.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: So it is therapy Thursday. Here's the thing, enter Ellen
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: case therapy Thursday. Because we're sending people to the therapies.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: So it's early case therapy Thursday. Like if you put
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: that in your Google search or whatever.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: So I looked at the podcast app and I just
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: typed in Therapy Thursday and you popped right.
• 38:09
  Speaker 5: Okay, great, that's good.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: That means we're winning that working, yeah, because we're like
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: we're started pretty much, so so that's good to know.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: When you go to YouTube, it's Therapy Thursday podkay, And
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: then all of our episodes are up there on video.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: And then yeah, so Therapy Thursday on the iHeartRadio app
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: and wherever you listen to your podcast.
• 38:28
  Speaker 5: Every Thursday we dropped new episodes, okay, and then we
• 38:30
  Speaker 5: also put them up on YouTube. Perfect. Yeah yeah yeah perfect.
• 38:34
  Speaker 4: Thank you so much for so much.
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: Thanks yes a, dear Bonnie. I hope everybody got some
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: great advice. It's just like morphed so perfectly together.
• 38:44
  Speaker 5: O love you.
• 38:47
  Speaker 4: I will, I will