Latest / The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education / Get Your Head Straight to Home Ed – Ep 3: How to Build a Home Ed Routine That Works for Your Whole Family

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Get Your Head Straight to Home Ed – Ep 3: How to Build a Home Ed Routine That Works for Your Whole Family · The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education

0:31
Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Big Home
0:34
Ed Conversations. My name is Kelly Rigg, I am a
0:37
home educating mum of two, have been for about 5 years now, 4-5
0:41
years. And essentially I'm also a
0:43
qualified mindset coach. So I work with families as they
0:45
transition to home education and try and get their heads around
0:49
the joys and stresses of those early, early months and kind of
0:53
get you feeling really strong and confident and able to kind
0:57
of take the ball by the horns, so to speak.
1:00
We obviously this podcast talks to you in all the different
1:04
stages of your home Ed journey. So a lot of the episodes we do
1:07
can be quite deep and hopefully insightful.
1:09
And I know that there's an awful lot of you who reach out saying
1:11
they really have helped to convince you that you have got
1:13
what it takes, that you can do home Ed as well as the rest of
1:16
us. And that you recognize that
1:17
really that we're all just normal people.
1:19
Like just a normal person who basically decided they wanted to
1:22
live life a bit differently. And that that is accessible to
1:25
you in much the same way as anybody else.
1:28
So I really hope that this series helps to just give you a
1:32
little bit more confidence as you were trying to make this
1:34
decision. And especially if you're
1:36
literally about to send that D Reg letter and then not going
1:38
back to school this September, I really want you to feel
1:42
confident and supported as you make that choice.
1:45
Now, if you were listening to this months and months down the
1:48
line, this is as relevant to you now as it was when I recorded
1:51
it. So I really hope that whenever
1:53
you're finding this and even really whatever stage of the
1:56
home Ed journey you were at, that this episode helps in some
1:59
way to help to get you feeling a little bit more confident in the
2:02
choices that you're making right now.
2:03
Now, this is a four part series. I've done the first episode
2:07
which was Deschool and deregister.
2:09
So the legals and the the practicals of deregistering, how
2:12
simple it is in the UK and the fact that actually you're not
2:15
being a rebel by doing it. You are totally allowed.
2:18
And no matter how anybody makes you feel, you are not letting
2:21
your kids down. It's a perfectly valid choice,
2:23
but also the deschooling process is recognising how deschooling
2:27
applies to both you and your children.
2:29
It's not just doing nothing, It's not just basically just
2:32
chucking the school out the window and just doing whatever.
2:34
It is an actual really conscious sort of spiritual awakening kind
2:40
of process. It's a constant self reflection.
2:42
It's a noticing all of your limiting beliefs, the hang ups
2:45
created by school, by routines, by the type of education you
2:48
receive, the impact that's had on you as an adult, your
2:51
relationships, your work, how you've actually produced what
2:55
you've produced as a grown up. Like what is your life looking
2:57
like? How happy are you?
2:58
How satisfied are you? And actually reflecting back and
3:01
noticing where school obviously played a huge part in those
3:04
mentalities and how obviously that's now playing out for your
3:07
kids as well, and obviously what you want to change.
3:09
And also from their perspective, it's the concept of
3:12
understanding the experiences they've had and starting to look
3:15
at things differently, to think differently, to behave
3:17
differently about their education.
3:19
And obviously depending on whether your kids have been in
3:20
school or not. Obviously I started out, my kids
3:23
hadn't been to school, but they had been to nursery.
3:24
And so they have had some of the external messaging and I had to
3:28
work with them to kind of readjust their attitude towards
3:31
learning a little bit and to support them to become super
3:34
autonomous and actually want to do it themselves, which is very,
3:37
very possible and very, very normal for children.
3:40
They are curious creatures. So that was the first episode is
3:42
kind of recognising how we've got to start looking for the
3:46
messaging and the the weird structures that are in our
3:48
communities based on what school looks like.
3:51
And actually that these aren't necessarily facts.
3:53
We don't have to operate this way for education to be a
3:56
successful thing. The second episode is all about
3:58
your why is understanding why have you arrived at this
4:01
decision? What is going on for your kids?
4:03
What's going on for you? What's going on for you as a
4:04
family? What kind of lifestyle are you
4:06
trying to create? And that ultimately, whatever
4:08
your why, that it's valid that you're allowed to make a choice,
4:12
a conscious choice for your family, even if it feels thrust
4:15
upon you, even if in this moment you're just feeling like you're
4:17
having to do this, even though you don't really want to.
4:19
This isn't is something that you ever dreamed of doing, which we
4:22
know so many people are kind of arriving at the moment with
4:24
schools being as difficult a place as they are for a lot of
4:27
send children and neurodivergent children and all of the things
4:31
like we also understand that honestly, lots of people are
4:34
just starting to think, well, I work from home and I've got the
4:36
time and actually I miss them and I just want to spend some
4:39
time with them and that's OK too.
4:41
Maybe you just hate the hustle culture.
4:42
You don't want the routine of up and out at 8:00 every morning
4:46
and then off to clubs and things every single night and all
4:48
weekends long. Maybe you want to slow down.
4:50
Maybe you want to just have a bit more established routine at
4:52
home and enjoy your family time. Like, all of these reasons are
4:55
valid. All of them are completely fine.
4:58
And so regardless of your why and what your philosophy as a
5:01
home education might be, it's OK.
5:04
And essentially, this episode is all going to be a little bit
5:07
about you. So how do you still slot in?
5:10
I am not ever going to preach to parents that we are supposed to
5:14
be sacrificing all for our children.
5:16
I personally believe that home education is an opportunity for
5:18
the whole family to thrive, not just your children.
5:21
It's an opportunity for all of you to reimagine and
5:24
reinvigorate your life and career and relationships and the
5:28
things that you do. And ultimately, I don't want
5:31
anybody sitting here thinking that they've just suddenly got
5:33
to like make everything work just for their kids.
5:36
A lot of us as parents think that is the only thing that we
5:38
can possibly do. That's all we're supposed to do
5:39
is is sacrifice everything for our kids.
5:41
And I really am not going to be preaching that at all.
5:45
So that's what we're going to talk about today, establishing a
5:47
new routine, establishing a new pace of life and ultimately how
5:50
we're going to actually make that happen, like how we can
5:52
start to do some self reflection and work on that.
5:55
And the last episode is going to be all about really just your
5:59
non negotiables. Are you really dead set is
6:01
important for your family to still make sure you've achieved?
6:04
What are you? What do you really love?
6:05
What do you want them to be able to like carry on with in life?
6:09
What kind of skills do you want them to have?
6:11
And essentially how you're going to then integrate that into your
6:13
home educating journey, respectfully understanding your
6:16
children's needs and desires and wants for their own individual
6:19
lifespan as well. And ultimately how you can kind
6:21
of understand that whilst you might have things that are
6:25
really important to you right now, those might change that you
6:28
can also keep these things in mind as you are forming your
6:32
home Ed philosophy and ethos at home and your own routine,
6:34
etcetera. So that's kind of a gist.
6:37
And then hopefully I'll be setting you off to go and
6:40
deregister and start your home Ed journey feeling that much
6:42
more confident that you've really thought through how you
6:46
want to do it and what it's going to look like and how
6:48
you're going to make your days work for you as a family.
6:51
And that is a huge deal. So getting into the conversation
6:55
today about essentially how do you fit in and how do we get a
7:02
routine that works for us. Now to go along with this
7:05
series, we have got the Get Your Head Straight to Home Ed
7:07
workbook, which has got loads of journals, journalling prompts
7:10
and useful kind of things to talk about with yourself, to sit
7:14
and have a ponder with your partner if there's one involved
7:17
and to your children as well sometimes.
7:18
And to really help you to start understanding some more of this
7:20
stuff a bit more sort of deeply to take to go away and really do
7:23
some self reflective work. But I've also, one of the things
7:26
I wanted to mention this week is the kind of the 1st 30 days of
7:29
home Ed calendar that I created last year that's up on my
7:32
website. So you can grab that as well.
7:35
It's literally just a print out. You stick it on your fridge.
7:36
You don't have to do any further work involved in it at all.
7:40
And essentially you can just have a glance at it each day.
7:43
And it's like it's one task or question or thought provoking
7:46
dinner conversation that you can be having with your family to
7:50
kind of really help to just slow down, to reconnect and to start
7:53
your home Ed journey really, really gently.
7:55
So if you are listening to this and thinking actually you could
7:57
do the soft landing something which just helps to guide you
8:00
gently through those first kind of weeks of being at home.
8:03
And even if honestly you've been doing home for a while, but you
8:05
just need a refresh because things feel rubbish and weird
8:08
and they're not really working. You don't feel very connected to
8:10
your kids and you want to try and refresh and start over kind
8:13
of thing. This is great for that too.
8:16
And I'm actually going to, I'm thinking to myself, I was just
8:18
looking through it to kind of get some thoughts of what I
8:19
wanted to talk to you about today.
8:20
And I think I'm going to print it off and do some of them again
8:23
myself because they're really lovely ways to just reconnect
8:25
and to just check in and to see how everyone's feeling.
8:28
So if you find yourself needing something just to give you a bit
8:32
more guidance after this conversation, then those are
8:34
really great resources. So go and grab those if you want
8:37
them cracking on them. You.
8:39
How do you factor into your home Ed decisions right now?
8:43
So many of us, I think are raised very much to believe that
8:48
we as mothers or as fathers are supposed to be.
8:52
I mean, mothers especially, but fathers do as well.
8:54
I know a lot, an awful lot of dads who home educate full time
8:58
and actually don't go to work. They stay home with the kids or
9:00
they work part time themselves or whatever.
9:02
And also those dads who are at the end of the day, they might
9:06
not be working part time, but on the days that they are home,
9:09
they are 100% immersed in their kids, learning and supporting
9:12
them and guiding them and doing stuff with them and taking them
9:14
to their clubs and groups and things.
9:15
And yeah, just participating fully in family life.
9:19
And ultimately, you have got to decide as a family that home
9:24
education feels accessible to you all because you are a part
9:30
of that question. It's not all about the education
9:33
of your kids. Home education is more of a
9:36
lifestyle shift. It's not just about an education
9:40
choice. Choosing to send your kids to
9:41
school comes with a routine. It comes with a structure.
9:44
It comes with other people's expectations and rules and
9:48
demands. And you fit into it and you work
9:51
with it and you do as you're told.
9:52
And you make make sure your kids are there on time and you make
9:54
sure they're wearing the right uniforms and you help them with
9:56
their homework and you make them all kind of do the things.
9:58
Same as in home education, it comes with a obviously a way for
10:03
you to decide. You get to decide what it looks
10:05
like, but you're still going to have a job to do or you're still
10:08
going to have housework to get done.
10:09
And you're still going to have to exercise and eat well and
10:12
take care of yourself and move your body and do all the things
10:15
that make sense for you as a human being.
10:18
And sometimes we can feel a real sense of overwhelm at the
10:21
concept of being able to have our kids home all the time,
10:24
especially if you're used to having them in school, having
10:26
them home 24/7, and then having to try and make all these things
10:30
still happen. And that can feel really scary.
10:32
And I know it did for me. I started my business as a kind
10:36
of virtual assistant business side of things when my son was
10:39
18 months old. And so I have always been doing
10:41
it pretty much since he was a baby.
10:44
But I'd had to have nursery. I had nursery three days a week.
10:46
And when he stopped, there was a massive panic in my head.
10:50
I was just like, OK, but how am I going to carry on working?
10:52
Like, how is this even possible? And so if you have got very
10:55
young kids, that can feel really tricky.
10:57
And to be fair, I had to be very, very gradual with the
10:59
amount of time that I can commit.
11:01
And still even today, I have to be very, very careful with how
11:03
much I commit myself hours wise every week to work and focus
11:08
really, really hard on ensuring there's a good balance.
11:10
But I love to work. I love my the passionate things
11:13
that I'm doing. I love being here recording for
11:15
you. I love doing all the stuff I do
11:18
for off roading motherhood, and I love working with the clients.
11:22
I still work for my VA side of my business as well.
11:24
Like the kind of people that I'm working for are incredible.
11:26
They're doing incredible things in this world, sort of not for
11:28
profits and community interest groups that are doing some
11:31
really cool things. And I love being a part of it.
11:34
It gives me a sense of ambition. It gives me a sense of identity
11:38
and self beyond my home Ed journey.
11:41
But ultimately, I know that it was important to me to have a
11:45
career. It's important to me that I stay
11:48
taking some time for self growth and reflection and working on
11:52
how I'm feeling about myself and the kids and my attitudes
11:56
towards things and how I kind of respond to the world around me.
11:59
Like all of that was very important to me as well.
12:01
And I wanted to make sure that I was prioritising my growth and
12:06
love for myself. I think there's an awful lot of
12:08
things that we have in our heads that are important to us.
12:11
And what I really want to stress is that none of those things
12:14
need to be put down at this point.
12:16
So if you use the time when they're in school typically to
12:19
go and do exercise or to clean the house or to do some work or
12:23
to plan for your future or to sort out your admin or whatever
12:26
it is that you are doing, I kind of want to reassure you that
12:29
you're not about to lose that time.
12:31
Now that might sound a little nuts.
12:34
Just hear me out. But you're not about to lose it.
12:37
What you're actually about to get is a day that that gets to
12:41
be structured how it makes sense for you now.
12:44
Whether your kids are able to play independently, whether or
12:47
not you need to have them screened for a couple of hours a
12:49
day so that you can get some important bits done like your
12:51
work or whatever. Whether you want to utilize a
12:54
drop off forest school or a child mind that's homemade child
12:57
mind that's out there as well that work with with older
12:59
children. Whether you want to get a tutor
13:00
in once a week to do do a few hours with them so that you can
13:03
go and do other things. Whether you and a friend make an
13:06
agreement that you alternate each week, 1 of you has all the
13:09
kids and the other one goes and does their food shopping and
13:12
like does some stuff around the house.
13:14
Whatever it is that you find yourself doing, there are ways
13:20
to ensure that you protect some time in your day for you to do
13:26
whatever is important. But also you'll be shocked at
13:30
how much downtime is created. When ultimately I was talking to
13:34
someone recently who's got their children in school who was
13:37
saying that they literally get home from school.
13:39
They've got half an hour mathematics to do, They've got
13:42
reading, they've got their spellings to practice each week
13:45
and all of the things that they're doing in the evenings
13:47
with them on top of their school day.
13:49
And they're also taking them obviously to karate and football
13:51
and swimming and all of the other clubs and groups and
13:54
things in their week as well. And so ultimately between all of
14:00
those like the hours of time that they're spending with their
14:02
kid every week doing homework and supporting them with their
14:05
learning and taking them to various clubs and groups and
14:07
activities, I actually worked out that they're spending almost
14:11
the same amount of time as I do with my kids doing their
14:14
education. And now that might sound a bit
14:15
scary, like, Oh my goodness, that means I must not be doing
14:17
very much. But actually when it comes to
14:20
home education, a lot of it is 1 to 1.
14:22
So when it's 1 to 30, it takes an awful lot longer for them to
14:26
grasp a concept because there's distractions, there's delays,
14:30
there's messing about trying to find a pencil case, there's
14:32
teachers obviously trying to speak to a big group of kids and
14:35
get them all to come on board and understand an idea.
14:37
So there'll be kids who've got it and are sat there waiting for
14:39
others to get it, and there'll be kids who still don't get it
14:42
who are sat there kind of waiting for support from the
14:45
teacher. And so things take an awful lot
14:46
longer. And ultimately, when it's 1 to 1
14:50
and you sit down with a child and you help them to do a little
14:52
bit of maths or something, chances are they're going to
14:55
grasp the concept. You're going to recognise when
14:56
they're not understanding the concept, you're going to help
14:58
them to learn it a different way.
15:00
You're going to adjust their learning style.
15:01
You're going to help them to do it in a more fun, enticing way,
15:04
whatever it is that you need to do to get that bit done.
15:08
And that actually means a lot of the time they grasp concepts a
15:11
lot faster. They're able to do it in a way
15:13
that makes sense to them and you're able to tick the box and
15:16
move on like you've done maths, you've moved on, you can do
15:18
something else today. And yes, OK, there's some
15:22
planning and there's, there's a lot of kind of thought that can
15:24
go into that sometimes. And it, it does take some
15:26
effort, but ultimately covering school with our kids doesn't
15:31
take that much time each day. And it does actually create time
15:36
in your day that you maybe don't even realise.
15:38
Like at the moment it's just being sucked by all of the
15:41
effort that goes into like in the drop offs and the pickups
15:44
and they're sorting out lunches and they're sorting out uniform
15:47
and washing uniform ready and all the rest of it.
15:48
So there's all sorts of stuff that's happening and preparing
15:50
for book days and all that stuff that you are doing that is
15:54
taking up an awful lot of your time every day.
15:57
But actually you might find that actually when you start home
15:59
educating that you're doing almost exactly the same amount
16:01
of time on that stuff. But then that means you still
16:04
have all of that time during the day to do the other stuff that's
16:08
important to you too, like work and house admin and the rest of
16:12
it equally. One of the things that I've
16:15
really noticed since home educating and my kids are
16:17
growing up, etcetera, is that as I'm cleaning up the kitchen,
16:21
they're cleaning up the kitchen with me.
16:23
Like as I'm packing boxes to move house, they're helping me
16:26
to sort it all out and to sort out their stuff and put it into
16:28
boxes too. Like ultimately they are then
16:31
involved in all the daily life. They're involved in helping and
16:34
being a part of it. And obviously, whether you
16:38
choose to go and do the washing by yourself because it's more
16:39
peaceful that way and you enjoy taking a minute to just listen
16:42
to a book and do it. Whatever you want to do, or
16:44
whether you like to get them involved in helping and being a
16:47
part of your daily life, both are valid.
16:49
They're both fine. You can you can spend that time
16:52
with them or you can spend that time taking a beat and actually
16:54
doing something that you need to get done.
16:56
But the point is that you have been kind of taught that you
17:00
have got to sacrifice everything for them.
17:03
And the feeling when you first start out of them will be to
17:06
fill that time. It will be to make sure that
17:09
you're still giving them 30 odd hours worth of educational
17:12
activities and days out and clubs and groups and all the
17:15
rest of it every single week. And you'll be worried, I guess.
17:18
I mean, sometimes you will. You might not be.
17:20
But hopefully this will help to reassure you that you don't need
17:22
to be. You may be worried that making
17:25
sure that they have all these extracurriculars and
17:26
opportunities will allow them to go on to be the most successful
17:31
people on the planet. And the truth is that there's an
17:34
awful lot of hustle culture involved in this.
17:36
We are taught to be busy, busy, busy and to be stressed,
17:39
stressed, stressed. And actually most of us don't
17:42
operate well in that environment.
17:43
We actually find it quite difficult to access education,
17:47
to be curious and open to opportunities and ideas around
17:51
us because we're so tunnel vision focused on the
17:53
destination. Like what we're trying to
17:55
achieve, whether it's getting to work, whether it's getting our
17:57
work done, whether it's going to the food shopping to get the
18:00
food shopping, to come home to make dinner.
18:01
We get so tunnel vision on the activities that we stop looking
18:04
around. We stop noticing and enjoying
18:06
the world around us so much. And this actually stifles
18:09
curiosity. It stifles opportunity and
18:12
chances for people to develop. True actual intrinsic interests.
18:17
Now if you haven't heard of intrinsic versus extrinsic
18:20
learning, I highly recommend going and listening to some
18:22
really good Ted talks on this and which really blew my mind
18:24
when I first started home educating.
18:25
It's a great thing to listen to and understand because the
18:28
concept of intrinsic learning is where someone actually chooses
18:33
to learn something because they are interested in it.
18:36
So like how, for example, a child might get really good at
18:39
playing football or they might get really good at playing an
18:41
instrument, or maybe they start loving a certain genre of music.
18:45
And so they become a like an absolute aficionado of that type
18:50
of music or whatever it is, right?
18:52
Kids all the time pick up random things that they want to be
18:56
really good at and they will start really pushing their
18:58
learning in that direction. And sometimes as adults that can
19:01
be quite scary because it might be a video game or it might be
19:04
doing something which seems a bit frivolous or a bit pointless
19:07
or like it hasn't gotten necessarily a potential for the
19:10
future. But one of the really great
19:12
things about home education is that it often offers us
19:15
opportunities to pause and reflect, to try and notice what
19:19
kind of learning is actually happening whilst they're doing
19:22
it. So a child learning to play an
19:23
instrument, for example, especially if they choose to do
19:25
it all by themselves and want to do it by themselves, you might
19:28
find them actually then teaching themselves to learn how to read
19:32
music. It might have them learning how
19:34
to read words quicker because they want to be able to
19:36
understand the instructions on how to play certain bits of sort
19:40
of musical. And maybe they want to be able
19:42
to sing along to the words and they need to be able to read the
19:44
lyrics, whatever it might be. But there's all kinds of bits of
19:47
learning that are then translatable to other areas of
19:50
their education that help to kind of actually tie things
19:52
together and without that intrinsic motivation and with if
19:57
all education becomes extrinsic. So.
20:00
Led by an adult and demanded by an adult and expected by an
20:04
adult or another person peer, somebody else in their
20:08
environment. If somebody else is expecting
20:10
them to do it. And forcing isn't necessarily
20:11
the right word because they're not always forced.
20:13
Sometimes they're really enjoying it.
20:14
But ultimately, if somebody else is leading it, then they kind of
20:19
start to rely on other people's ideas and they stop having as
20:23
many of their own. And ultimately, what home
20:26
education is great for is really enhancing that ability to be
20:31
bored, to think what you want to do, to do something with it.
20:33
My kids, for example, this morning I've been trying to lead
20:36
a bit too much on a topic that they wanted to do.
20:38
So they wanted to learn about how things are made.
20:40
And we've been doing some various different topics with
20:42
them and they've been enjoying it well enough.
20:45
But I have been getting some pushback.
20:47
And this morning I was trying to get them busy doing something so
20:50
I could come up here and do some work.
20:51
And they were really pushing back on me.
20:54
And I was like, OK, right, stop. What do you guys want to do?
20:58
And my uncle's like, I want to make a little house for my
21:00
little toy whale. I'm just like, OK, that's cool.
21:03
We can do some junk modelling. Like, do you want to do?
21:05
Like, we get some paints out and some scissors and glue and all
21:07
the rest of it. And she's like, yeah, let's do
21:08
that. And she got really excited.
21:10
And then my son did, too. And so they basically went off
21:13
and they raided the recycling bin and got started.
21:15
My husband is with them, yeah, supervising this activity.
21:18
I would not be leaving A5 and an 8 year old with all those fun
21:21
things alone. But ultimately they are off busy
21:24
happily doing something that is making something.
21:27
It's along along a topic that we're covering right now and
21:29
they'll be really excited to show me what they did later.
21:31
And ultimately this is an opportunity for them to choose
21:37
how they learn today. They want to do something
21:39
physical and tactile and hands on and they want to make
21:42
something and that's great. It's exactly what I want.
21:44
I want them innovating and thinking and coming up with
21:47
ideas and being creative and ultimately leading their
21:50
education. Because the more they do that,
21:53
the more likely it is that by the time they reach the age of
21:55
doing exams and going on to university or going and getting
21:58
a job, they will be applying for things which are totally aligned
22:02
with what they want to achieve, what they want to do, what they
22:05
are interested in, and that will shine through.
22:08
There will be absolutely no reservations at all the people
22:11
interviewing them that they are passionate about what they're
22:13
talking about and actually understand what they're talking
22:15
about and want to do it. And ultimately, the more we lead
22:20
and demand from our kids, the more routine and structural
22:24
opportunities we kind of put in their way because we think they
22:27
should be doing it. Sometimes that can actually have
22:31
the opposite effect than we actually want.
22:33
It can cause that resistance, it can cause that push back.
22:35
We start to feel frustrated. We first start to feel worried
22:38
that they're not going to actually achieve the things that
22:40
are really important because we think they're really important
22:42
and we think they've got to happen.
22:44
And ultimately we can end up in this massive kind of tug of war
22:46
with our kids. You, you're kind of realising
22:48
that you matter and that your curiosity matters in your
22:51
direction, interests and career, etcetera matter.
22:54
If we can apply the same respect to our kids and understanding
22:57
that they are trying to do the same, they want to lead their
23:00
education, they are curious, they will learn stuff, they will
23:03
be interested in things, and pretty much whatever they are
23:06
interested in has the potential for incredible interesting
23:09
careers down the line that they will use those skills for things
23:13
later. Now, I'm not saying that you
23:15
should never put stuff in their way or inspire them or offer
23:18
them opportunities at all. That's completely insane really,
23:21
because the more opportunities they're exposed to, the more
23:25
random passions might arise. But what I mean is that if you
23:28
can see that they're really not enjoying it, or they're just
23:31
kind of going through the motions or they're not really
23:33
retaining the information or you talk to them, they're like, I
23:35
don't really want to do it. I'm bored of it, I don't really
23:37
want to go whatever. Then listen to them and
23:40
understand that actually they might just need a slightly
23:43
different direction or a slightly different, I mean, they
23:45
need a different place to do it in or they need a different way
23:47
of doing it. Or maybe instead of going to a
23:49
club in person, maybe they want to do it online or maybe
23:52
whatever. So take these opportunities to
23:55
really have a think about what's your kind of what, what kind of
24:01
info's important to all of you right now and you included, like
24:05
do you have a career that you're still working on that you still
24:07
want to make happen? How are you going to make that
24:09
happen? How can you make that happen?
24:11
Look at your week, work it in, Make sure that you're factoring
24:13
yourself into your new rhythm and your new routine, because
24:18
ultimately there's going to be so many great opportunities out
24:21
there and you deserve to actually enjoy doing some of
24:25
them too. Now, like for example, my son
24:27
recently when he said he wants to do kayaking and I had a look
24:30
and he's nearly old enough, he's just nearly old enough to join
24:32
the local kayaking club. And so I was like, OK, great,
24:35
I'll sign you up. And then I realised as an, as an
24:37
adult, like he'd need to have one adult member with him.
24:40
And I thought, well, if I'm a member, then I might as well go
24:43
and actually do it myself. Like I love kayaking, I'd love
24:45
to do it more. And it found me to sort of think
24:47
this actually could be really fun.
24:48
I might actually find a a new actual physical hobby for
24:51
myself. Something which I like really
24:53
struggle to find to be honest, is things I really enjoy doing.
24:57
So anyway, you deserve to enjoy all the things that matter to
25:01
you. You deserve to feel curious.
25:02
You deserve to learn about things just because.
25:04
You deserve to read books, just because not everything you do
25:08
has to result in success for your kids or success in your
25:12
career or whatever. Some things can just be because
25:15
you want to learn about them and you want to enjoy them.
25:18
And ultimately, the more you can shift your attitudes towards
25:22
building a lifestyle that really incorporates every single person
25:25
in the family's wants, needs, desires, the more chance there
25:29
is that all of you will move into more aligned work and
25:32
aligned lifestyles and stuff that actually makes you feel
25:35
good, makes you get up in the morning and actually look
25:37
forward to your day. And I think if you're noticing
25:40
any degree of misery in your daily lifestyle right now, start
25:44
to understand that please, like, please, if you can take one
25:48
thing from this is that misery in what you're doing doesn't
25:51
equal potential success. Forcing ourselves to do things
25:55
that we're not enjoying doing doesn't mean that we will
25:58
suddenly start being really, really great and have like the
26:02
perfect body or the perfect life or the perfect career.
26:05
Ultimately, we are allowed to enjoy our jobs and we're allowed
26:09
to enjoy our movement and our food and our company and the
26:13
places we go and the things we do.
26:16
And it is allowed to be at a pace and a volume level and a
26:20
social level and a all of the things that make sense for us.
26:24
We don't have to be robots. We're not.
26:25
We're not all supposed to function the same.
26:28
And if you are looking at your life thinking, well, actually we
26:30
really love our home days, they really matter to us, then make
26:32
sure you get a few every week. A few, not just one, not just a
26:36
little bit once in a while. There's a little like Pat on the
26:38
back. Good job.
26:38
You've done lots of socializing. You're allowed to have a home
26:40
day now. No, If you need a few a week,
26:43
then have a few a week. If you love being out and seeing
26:45
people and actually you all function better if you're
26:47
outside all day every day, then take all of your learning
26:50
outside if you want to like totally fine.
26:53
Like nothing has to happen in a particular way.
26:55
It doesn't have to happen at organized groups.
26:57
It doesn't have have to happen in online classes, it doesn't
27:00
have to happen at a desk, it doesn't have to happen outside.
27:02
It can happen wherever you want it to and however you want it
27:06
to. And that can feel scary too
27:08
sometimes when you feel like you've got complete autonomy
27:11
from most of us aren't used to that at all.
27:14
And there are going to be adjustments here.
27:16
You're going to have periods of like change.
27:18
I was even talking to a friend yesterday about why is it that
27:21
like when we first started home educating that we never took
27:23
ourselves a packed lunch? Like we'd always like.
27:25
We'd sort out the kids, we'd make sure they had water and
27:27
make sure they had food and we'd just forget to take us some
27:29
lunch. And I was like, do you know, I
27:31
think it's partly because we're so routined in having somebody
27:34
tell us, this is your lunchtime. This is when you eat now and the
27:38
the lack of structure suddenly left me responsible for making
27:42
sure these things happened. And actually sometimes that
27:45
meant that they went by the wayside.
27:47
And that's really not great. And it's something which when
27:49
you, when you look at that, you think how crazy that is that
27:51
without having a boss or a job or a school telling me when I
27:56
was supposed to eat my lunch, I then stopped eating lunch.
28:00
And I know I'm not alone in this.
28:01
So like, it's crazy. And ultimately that I think is
28:05
the main reason why we're so used to having a set structure.
28:08
We're told that's when we do it, that actually that's just when
28:12
we did it. And it's so difficult to start
28:15
to understand that actually we are allowed to make up our own
28:18
rules and to eat when we're all ready to eat and to eat what we
28:21
want to eat and to make that happen.
28:23
So that's just one example of how a lot of these limiting
28:26
beliefs and the sort of the deschooling process, I guess can
28:30
really shine its ugly heads because actually we can find
28:33
ourselves really worrying about this and then having this
28:35
flexibility because we're worried then it's all
28:37
responsible for everybody's success and outcomes.
28:41
And that's also not true. Absolutely are responsible for
28:44
keeping them alive. That doesn't even be possible.
28:47
We'll take care of them and we've got to make sure they're
28:49
fed and clean and all the things.
28:51
But ultimately they are responsible for their own
28:54
trajectory. They will make their decisions
28:56
regarding their own careers. They will make their decisions
28:58
regarding their relationships. And all you can do is offer them
29:01
as much opportunity to be as self-directed and autonomous and
29:05
excited about their future as possible so that when those
29:08
opportunities arise down the line, they are able to try, try
29:12
and do things. Even if they fail and they will.
29:15
You cannot make every single possible problem they might face
29:19
go away. That's not happening.
29:20
So anyway, lecture over. I shall stop going on about this
29:23
now. I'm really laboring the point.
29:25
So I wanted to kind of round this conversation off.
29:28
I guess we're talking about kind of establishing a new routine.
29:32
And one of the things that I wanted to kind of stress here is
29:34
just how important it is to not come and run to gung ho into
29:38
this process. Like, please do not overpack
29:41
that schedule. Please do not just Chuck loads
29:43
and loads and loads of stuff in if you wanted to.
29:45
The home Med community is packed full of amazing things happening
29:48
all week, every week. You could be busy all day every
29:50
day, but I really want you to just take a beat and to ease in.
29:54
I want you to really just do lots of observation, lots of
29:58
noticing, recognise how your children are learning, how
30:01
you're feeling, the vibes that you're kind of picking up as a
30:05
family. Like I'll be happy.
30:06
Are we feeling a bit unsettled? Do we need a bit more structure
30:09
for a little while, etcetera. So like one of the things which
30:12
you might find is you kind of enter the home Med community is
30:14
most people going, oh, well, it's not school at home, Don't
30:17
do it that way. No, just abandoned the whole
30:19
thing. Start fresh, do it your way.
30:22
And a bit like I've kind of said to you today, really to some
30:24
degree. And ultimately that can feel
30:27
really overwhelming too. And what I want to say is it's
30:30
OK if for a little while you find yourself being like, right,
30:34
well, we still just need to do English, maths and science.
30:37
Like I need to know that you've done some reading, I need to
30:39
know you've done some writing like that.
30:41
Stuff like the core subjects at school, they must be core
30:44
subjects home. That's just what we're going to
30:46
focus on for a little while. Everything else can kind of like
30:48
we'll just get there when we get there.
30:49
But those are important. That's OK.
30:52
If that will make you feel a bit more grounded, a bit more
30:54
settled, then fine. But what I will warn you of is
30:59
that you may find that if you've got children who have got school
31:02
related trauma, if they have not had a great time at school, if
31:05
the type of learning how it's been presented to them in school
31:07
has turned them off of learning, you might find that actually
31:11
you're getting an awful lot of pushback with those.
31:12
And that is going to feel really scary.
31:15
That feeling is going to feel really untethered.
31:17
You're going to be really worried about it.
31:19
And you're going to find yourself clamping down even
31:21
harder, getting annoyed at them, making it stricter, making it
31:24
tougher, wanting to be like, Nope, this is happening whether
31:26
you like it or not. And I really want to like
31:29
basically give you a big hug virtually right now, ask you to
31:34
take a really big, slow, deep breath and to ask a really
31:37
important question, which is why are these the core subjects?
31:44
Why have we been told these are really important?
31:47
What are these skills helping our children to achieve down the
31:51
line? What is actually important to us
31:54
that they know about these subjects?
31:55
What are what we really worried about here?
31:58
Are we worried they won't be able to read at all?
32:00
Are we worried that their handwriting will be illegible
32:02
and nobody like they won't be able to write a note?
32:04
Are we worried they're not accessing vocabulary?
32:06
Are we worried they're not progressing?
32:08
Like what is it that we're actually worried about?
32:10
I want you to ask some questions.
32:12
I want you to really just take a breath and ask yourself why
32:15
these things are mattering to you because and we'll get into
32:19
this process a bit more in the next episode about kind of like
32:22
deciding the non negotiables, the things that really matter to
32:24
you. But you're going to have lots of
32:26
moments like this where you might find a self determined.
32:28
It's just easier if we follow the national curriculum.
32:31
Fine, do that. If it helps you to feel more
32:33
grounded and feel like you've got some sort of basis, then do
32:36
that. That makes sense.
32:37
It's ready built. It's there for you to just grab
32:40
and download and use off the Internet. 100% just use it.
32:43
But ultimately, be ready to to reflect on those things and to
32:48
ask good questions about it and to actually decide, do I think
32:51
this is important? Do we really need to cover this
32:54
and get some other opinions? If you're not sure, go and
32:57
listen to a Ted talk about that subject.
32:58
Go and actually understand, educate yourself a bit in why
33:02
handwriting is still taught in schools or why it's important.
33:05
Like for example, I mean, that's a great example in and of
33:08
itself. I was trying to get my son to do
33:11
some writing the other day and I try and do it very subtly in
33:15
activities, but he might not realise that he's doing a little
33:17
tiny smidge of writing because he does not enjoy it, he does
33:20
not want to do it. He finds it really hard work.
33:22
He struggles with his fine motors skills, he's autistic and
33:25
ultimately he just finds it really annoying.
33:27
And so I have to be so gentle with it.
33:28
And honestly it's developing fine.
33:30
Like gently, gently, a little of time.
33:33
I'm talking very little at a time.
33:34
It is gradually getting there. And so I'm not massively worried
33:36
about it, but I do want to encourage his stamina with it
33:39
and his enthusiasm for it because I loved writing stories
33:42
as a kid and I suspect that he will too.
33:45
And I wanted him to have the freedom to be able to put his
33:48
ideas and thoughts and creativity onto paper.
33:51
And he was sort of talking about like, why, why, mommy?
33:54
I can just type it or I can just like, I don't need to be able to
33:57
write. Like, this is important.
33:58
Like, nobody writes anymore. You never write anymore.
34:00
And I was like, oh, well, actually I do.
34:02
And I said mostly, actually, the reasons why I write is when I'm
34:04
taking notes, when I'm having phone calls with clients and
34:06
things so I can remember what they told me.
34:08
And he goes, but surely you can just write.
34:09
They've told you what you can remember.
34:10
And I was like, have you met me? I don't remember anything unless
34:14
I've written it down. And so I said, OK, I'll give you
34:16
an example. And I spelt the word
34:18
establishment. This doesn't work, right?
34:20
OK, here's a word. Can you remember what I've said?
34:22
And I spelt it for him out loud. And he was like, oh, and I was
34:26
like, OK, can you repeat it back to me?
34:27
And he tried and he couldn't do it.
34:30
I said, OK, we're going to try another way, get a pen and
34:32
paper. And he goes, oh, God, I don't
34:33
want to. And I was like, OK, bear with
34:35
me, Grab a pen and paper. And I said, all right, OK, we're
34:38
going to spell it again. And so I did.
34:40
And he wrote it down. And I said, right now read it
34:42
back to me. And he read the word.
34:43
And I said, right now tell me all the letters.
34:44
And he told me all the letters and said, right now cover it up
34:46
and I want you to tell me how it's spelled.
34:48
And he was able to tell me. And I was like, I know that
34:50
there's just an element of repetition.
34:52
But ultimately I was able to demonstrate to him in that the
34:54
writing things down helps to use multiple different parts of our
34:57
brain and helps us to retain information.
35:00
And that ultimately for him, he now has a written record of that
35:04
word, which he's now physically seen.
35:06
He's physically read it. He's said all the letters a
35:08
couple of times. And now it's actually embedded
35:09
in his brain. And you, you could see that he
35:11
was going, oh, OK, I understand now.
35:13
That's actually really helpful. And now I actually understand
35:14
there's a reason why. And building relevance into
35:17
their schooling is super important.
35:19
But ultimately we have got to try and find ways of helping
35:23
them understand why these things are important.
35:26
But sometimes we don't even know why they're important, right.
35:29
And it's asking that question, letting them ask that question
35:33
and us reflecting on it and going, hang on a minute,
35:35
actually, is this important? Do we really need to be able to
35:37
do this? What is this used for in daily
35:39
life? Like how does this translate
35:41
into day-to-day experience? Even if it's something like
35:45
algebra, that can be, you think she's like, why, why are we
35:48
learning algebra? What is going on with algebra?
35:50
But you think like going and buying 6 bananas from the
35:53
supermarket. It's like banana times 6 equals
35:56
this much money. OK, so how much is each banana
35:59
that this helps us to understand that actually we can afford to
36:01
buy 10 bananas actually. And that's, that is the basics
36:05
of algebra. They couldn't, you know, it's a
36:06
random thing times the thing equals a number.
36:09
But like, what is that value then?
36:10
That these are skills that are used in day-to-day life.
36:13
We don't realize that we're using them, but but they are
36:15
concepts that we can understand. And when you place them in a
36:18
child's head that way, they go, oh, actually, that's really.
36:20
Yeah, I do that all the time. I understand that that makes
36:22
sense. So now this X * 3 equals what
36:25
doesn't sound scary anymore. It's just like, oh, OK, I'm just
36:27
thinking of it like bananas. So like, there's a number of
36:29
objects there and they're all worth that much money as to how
36:31
much in each, Like it helps them to recognize that these things
36:35
can easily make sense. So anyway, I'm going from a
36:37
tangent, but the point is that you are going to be coming up
36:41
against a lot of things in your education of your children and
36:45
in your own life as well. You might be looking at it and
36:47
going why am I doing this? Like, why do I do it this way?
36:50
And what I really just want to establish with this conversation
36:53
is for you to recognise that the asking questions and thinking
36:57
critically about why people worry about this, why you're
37:01
worried about this. Where does that messaging come
37:03
from? Who is it who's made you feel
37:05
that way? Who is it you're trying to
37:06
please? Is it yourself?
37:08
Is it is it your child, child trying to please themselves?
37:10
Are they trying to please you? Are you both trying to please
37:13
the wider world? Are you worried about some
37:15
Mystic mystical boss, boss, I can't speak anymore mythical
37:19
mystical boss of the future when they're doing some random job
37:22
that you don't even know what job that is yet, that you're
37:24
worried about them impressing them.
37:26
I do that all the time. I feel I found myself doing it
37:28
being like one day you're you're going to need to be in an office
37:30
and you're going to be able to do this and you need to be able
37:32
to do that. And I'm just like, well, maybe
37:33
they won't be. Maybe that isn't something
37:34
that'll be really relevant to their job.
37:35
And I'm getting stressed out about it for no reason really,
37:37
except for the fact that it's important in my current job.
37:40
And I feel like they need to know it.
37:41
But actually they will know that.
37:43
I mean, they're only 8. Like they're going to get it
37:44
eventually. So all of these questions help
37:47
us to calm down. They help us to establish our
37:51
day-to-day in a way that makes sense.
37:54
And so if you need to use the school curriculum as a grounding
37:58
base right now, then do that. But just be ready to change.
38:01
Be ready to notice that it isn't working or that it's not
38:03
important to you right now or that actually you don't think
38:05
this is important right now, but maybe it will be in a couple of
38:07
years. Maybe you'll think to yourself,
38:09
actually, it doesn't matter to me too much if they don't sit
38:11
all their GCCS at 16. Maybe they'll do them gradually
38:14
from 14 and upwards. Maybe they'll even be in
38:16
university at the age of 14. Like who knows?
38:18
Like there's, there's all kinds of opportunities and ways of
38:22
doing all of the things that we are so worried about.
38:25
And I guess I just want you to really start to think
38:27
critically, start to ask the questions and to reassure
38:30
yourself that you are allowed to establish a different way of
38:33
life, doesn't have to look the same and that is safe and it is
38:38
OK. And yes, it's a bit overwhelming
38:40
and try to choose and decide it all yourself can also feel very
38:43
overwhelming. So if that doesn't feel
38:45
comfortable for you, then don't use something to give you a
38:47
basis so that you don't feel completely untethered and then
38:50
gradually shift to what makes sense for you guys.
38:54
But when it comes to the actual daily routine and establishing a
38:57
new routine as a family, realistically all you need to be
39:00
doing is really asking what is it that you love to to do?
39:05
What is it that actually makes you happy?
39:07
What do you enjoy learning about?
39:08
What kind of places do you love to go to?
39:10
What lights you all up? And really start to consider how
39:13
you can start to factor those things into your day-to-day and
39:16
start to structure it in a way that means that all of you, and
39:19
I mean all of you meet your needs in one form or another.
39:23
And it might just be not to be your needs.
39:24
It might be like the work and house admin and house work,
39:29
etcetera. Like, how do you get all of
39:31
those things aligned and working together as best you can?
39:35
I'm not asking for perfection. My goodness, it does not exist.
39:37
Going to have weeks when it seems to be ticking along quite
39:40
nicely and months when it doesn't.
39:42
Like, we are going to have lots and lots of ups and downs.
39:45
But ultimately I just want you to really be conscious of it and
39:48
to kind of stop going through the motions and to take a beat
39:51
and to actually think, OK, what is working, what isn't, what
39:54
drives us nuts? What is none of us enjoying?
39:57
Where are we getting really stressed?
39:58
How am I physically feeling like, am I anxious all the time?
40:01
Am I really panicked or rushing all the time?
40:03
OK, so we need to slow down and it's OK if you need to slow
40:07
down. But then your kids are like, oh,
40:09
but I really want to go to this club and this club and this club
40:11
and this club. Sometimes the answer is going to
40:13
be no. Sometimes it's going to be no.
40:15
And I really need to emphasize that as well.
40:17
You are a person. And if you are feeling
40:20
overwhelmed and like actually this running from club to club
40:23
to club to club is just. Not fun for you and you're just
40:27
ending each day, run ragged and stressed and crying.
40:30
Then no, it needs to slow down. And they will adjust gradually
40:34
to a slightly slower pace, and that is OK.
40:37
And if they obviously then find themselves wanting to have more
40:39
social time as they get older, they can.
40:41
They can facilitate that themselves.
40:42
They can spend time with their friends in ways that make sense
40:45
to them. But ultimately, if you need to
40:48
slow things down a little bit, then do.
40:49
If you need to speed them up a little bit, then do, but
40:52
ultimately all of you need to be factored in, you included,
40:55
because you are the facilitator of all of this, right?
40:57
You are the person who's there building the structuring and the
41:00
support, doing the planning, coming up with a day's out,
41:02
helping them to find friends, helping them to find the groups
41:05
to go to. If you are running empty and
41:09
stressed and anxious and not coping and actually feeling
41:12
really unfulfilled or like your career or your opportunities are
41:15
diminished and your health is diminished and all the things,
41:18
then honestly, it's not working and it's never going to work
41:21
like that. You have all got to feel like
41:24
you're operating reasonably well.
41:26
And I'm talking again, not amazing, just reasonably well.
41:30
At least just try your best to actually factor you in because
41:34
then you will all actually enjoy the process a lot more.
41:37
So hopefully this episode has made you kind of have some
41:41
thoughts around how you can take care of you and support you
41:44
better in this process. But if you have got any
41:47
questions or you need any support, then Please remember
41:50
that I'm here again, I'm a qualified mindset coach.
41:52
I work with families during this phase.
41:54
And obviously you can come to me, we can have a proper chat.
41:56
You can tell me what's going on in your world and the kind of
41:59
hang ups and stresses and strains that you've got going
42:00
on. And I will help you to ask some
42:03
good questions and to dig in and to why that's actually happening
42:06
for you right now, what's going on and how you can start to
42:09
shift into a better place. But as I say, I'm here so don't
42:14
don't waste the opportunity for the resource.
42:15
You can grab 1/2 an hour free chat with me, no pressure, no
42:18
questions asked. So go and come and have a chat
42:20
if you feel like you could do with one.
42:22
But ultimately, good luck and I will see you again next.