Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 54: Jim Serrano's courageous journey through adoption, abuse, & redemption...his healing path

Transcript

Ep. 54: Jim Serrano's courageous journey through adoption, abuse, & redemption...his healing path · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

• 0:00
  Welcome back. We are live well, won't be live
• 0:04
  when you see this, but we are very, very happy to be back with
• 0:08
  episode 54, 54 on Adventures and Adversity.
• 0:14
  And I'm going to introduce my next guest, Jim Serrano.
• 0:18
  Thank you so much for joining us.
• 0:20
  And we're going to. Yes, we're going to get into
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  your story all about the adversity that you overcome in
• 0:26
  your life. And for if you have not heard
• 0:29
  this podcast before and you're a new listener, thank you for
• 0:32
  being here. This is a podcast where we
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  feature real people, true stories and daily inspiration
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  with the goal of really helping anyone who's listening.
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  Take whatever adversity you have in your life in any form, big,
• 0:48
  small, and help you through the stories of my guests.
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  Turn that into an adventure. So that's why we're here.
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  We keep it real. Thank you so much, Jim.
• 0:59
  We just chatted for a few minutes before we hit record and
• 1:01
  I, this is our first time meeting, but we've been chatting
• 1:05
  for a few weeks and I I'm honored to be speaking to you
• 1:10
  and to be connected with you because I think you have one,
• 1:14
  one story that's gonna resonate with people.
• 1:17
  Hopefully. Hopefully.
• 1:19
  Oh yeah, at least one. Your energy will 100%.
• 1:23
  Oh, yeah. So, Jen, we got connected, I
• 1:26
  believe about a couple episodes ago, I published a podcast
• 1:31
  called about Fostering Wishes with my friend The Bean.
• 1:35
  Yeah. And Fostering Wishes is an
• 1:37
  organization in the Bay Area that raises money and resources
• 1:41
  for Bay Area foster kids. So I had put out an episode in a
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  reel and I believe you you might have seen something related to
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  that. Yes.
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  And you and yourself, yeah, could very much resonate with
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  that story for, I think a very special and sacred reason.
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  And why don't you tell us? Tell us about that And and we
• 2:03
  can get rolling here. OK.
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  So it's going to be a hopefully I could do it fast.
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  So no. Take your time.
• 2:11
  I'm here. Take your time.
• 2:13
  OK, so I'm, I was born in the Bay Area.
• 2:16
  I was born in, in San Jose, OK, in California.
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  And I was born in 1962 and in 1962 I was giving up for
• 2:27
  adoption to Santa Clara County, right?
• 2:32
  So I was giving up for adoption. And so I, I grew up in, oh, so I
• 2:40
  was giving up for adoption and I was adopted at six months of
• 2:43
  age. Don't ask me where I was for the
• 2:48
  first six months of my life because I don't know.
• 2:51
  I was in the foster care system and I'll get into that later.
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  So my parents that that raised me, raised me in Gilroy, CA,
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  which is like 30 minutes away from San Jose.
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  So they raised me there at six months of age.
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  Let's see. So at six months of age, they
• 3:13
  bring me to Gilroy. They already had three kids of
• 3:19
  their own. They had my two sisters and a
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  brother, but they were a lot older than me.
• 3:25
  Plus they they adopted another girl with me, but she wasn't, we
• 3:32
  were blood related. She was from somebody else, but
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  so they adopted us and there's one thing that I found out.
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  I always wanted to know why they adopted us, you know, because I
• 3:45
  never they never sat me down. See, this is a 62 see.
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  So a lot of things are look different.
• 3:50
  Back different. Yeah, actually.
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  Not as open, right? Yes, yes.
• 3:54
  And it's weird that, you know, you can look at my adoption
• 3:57
  papers with the stuff that I have.
• 3:59
  It cost them 25 bucks to adopt me 25 bucks.
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  So, yeah, it's a trip. So when they adopted me and my
• 4:06
  sister, I always used to wonder. People always ask me, so when
• 4:10
  did you find out you were adopted, Jim?
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  Well, you know what? I could never really say exactly
• 4:16
  that when I figured it out. But one thing I always remember
• 4:19
  is my sisters and my family used to always make fun of me, say
• 4:23
  they had got got me at A at at what was it?
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  Well, back then it was Kmart. It's an apartment, right?
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  It was at Kmart and they got me there and I just thought it was
• 4:34
  just a joke. I didn't realize I was adopted
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  till I started figuring it out because I didn't really look
• 4:41
  like them, right? Because yeah, see, so you look
• 4:45
  at me, but I don't look like my parents at all.
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  Like. You you I would think you have
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  like sort of look Pacific Islander or what is your what is
• 4:53
  your and again, I hope that I'll.
• 4:55
  Get. I'll get into that too.
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  OK, 'cause I was like, I mean, you're like, you're great, by
• 4:59
  the way, I'll. Just I'll just turn 60.
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  I'll be 64 in January. Alright, so, so 62, I was born
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  and then once I was adopted and found out, OK, why didn't they
• 5:14
  tell me? Why didn't they sit me down?
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  Yeah. And I asked my sister, that was
• 5:21
  their daughter, right? And my older sister Susie, and I
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  asked her one day. I goes, you know, I'm doing all
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  these interviews and stuff like that.
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  I always want to Get the facts before I give up an answer
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  'cause I don't want anyone coming back to me saying that's
• 5:33
  that's not right. Yeah.
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  So what happened was, see, my mom and dad had a little little
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  boy named Georgie. They lost him when he was two
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  years old. So he passed away.
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  My mom was having a nervous breakdown because of that.
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  So to 'cause my dad, you know, cared about my mom so much,
• 5:55
  yeah, that they've decided maybe to adopt to fill that hole.
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  Yeah. My mom and and and and and
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  himself maybe maybe was still it like I'm saying himself maybe.
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  Sure. There's there was another
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  question I, I asked my sister goes, do you think dad resented
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  me? Because see, my dad never showed
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  me any love, never. I love you never hugged me, none
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  of that stuff. I never got any of that.
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  And and she, she agreed a little bit with me.
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  She she said, well, maybe because you were a replacement,
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  you were placing his son that he lost even though he had another
• 6:30
  son already, but still it was a replacement.
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  Yeah. So that maybe that's how I felt
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  as as a little kid, as a replacement.
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  And see, during my younger years, they sat down with my
• 6:43
  sister, but they never sat me down to tell me.
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  I don't understand it. I asked my sisters.
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  Why didn't they? We don't know, Jim.
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  Yeah. I don't know why they didn't sit
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  you down. So maybe that was part of it.
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  But. Yeah.
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  But then I, my sister kept on telling me, it goes OK, but you
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  changed in your early teenage years.
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  Your whole attitude change. You became more of a rebel.
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  And see, when she said that I go, OK, yeah, yeah, I did.
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  But see, there's, there's one thing that they didn't remember.
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  They didn't know till I admitted it when I was 52 years old that
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  the ages from 9:00 to 11:00, I was being sexually molested by
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  a, A, a, an older male cousin. And because my relationship
• 7:34
  wasn't close with my parents, I couldn't go to tell anybody.
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  So I kept that a secret till I was 52 years old, till one day
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  on the way to, to get some ice cream at baskin-robbins,
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  whatever we're driving up there and, and something came on the
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  radio. It was about child sexual abuse
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  and it it hits my wife's heart hard too because you know, she's
• 7:58
  a she was a teacher for 25 years and she teaches 5 year olds.
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  Oh, so she just. So, so when she heard that right
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  there, I said tell him, Jim, tell him.
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  So in a, in a parking lot where we're having our ice cream, I
• 8:13
  just said, OK, I gotta tell you guys something.
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  He goes, what? He goes, I was being molested
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  from the ages of 1911. And, of course, it hit my wife
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  hard. It hit my daughter.
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  Didn't know what I mean. My daughter was 16 when I was
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  told her, you know, my daughter's 39 now.
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  It's our only child. Whatever daughter.
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  Yeah. And so I had to tell him that I
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  was being sexually molested. So maybe that was the reason why
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  I became more of a rebel. But I started drinking when I
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  was 11 years old. And people wondered, Wow.
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  Wow, 6th. Grade I started drinking.
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  I'm, I'm so sorry that that happened to you and thank you
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  for sharing that and. It's something it's something
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  that guys are afraid to talk about because especially I'm
• 9:00
  male. Totally.
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  Especially male and people used to look at Jim, the tough guy,
• 9:07
  right? And now when I do these all
• 9:09
  these podcast interviews, I'm very transparent with my story
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  and then have come to me because these had happened to them when
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  they were children. And that's the reason why I
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  always say doing these podcast interviews will will let the
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  trauma defeat me. See.
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  So so they didn't know any of that when I was growing up.
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  You know, like I said, I didn't really get no, I love you and
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  nothing at at home, even from my mom or my dad, nobody.
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  And so I felt resented. I felt abandoned because of
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  being a giving up for adoption, right?
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  So, so we kept on going through life and all that.
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  And, and during my teenage years from we were just talking about
• 9:53
  this last night, from ages 16 to 17, I already had gotten the
• 10:00
  weapon to go kill my abuser and to kill myself.
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  And so people were always asking, even my wife asked me
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  why. How can what stopped you?
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  And I told you know what? Because I had hope that somebody
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  would love me one day and see it still comes back.
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  And you know what? That's OK.
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  That's OK. Take your time.
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  So that didn't happen, you know, I just carried on with life and
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  all that. I graduated from high school and
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  stuff like that. And then I started working for
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  a, a, a concrete radio mix company in San Jose.
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  I drove a concrete radio mix truck.
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  That's part of the story too. That's why I'm telling you about
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  that. Yeah, I did it.
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  I did for 31 years. I started in 1982 and I retired
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  in 2012. And so I did that.
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  My dad worked for the same outfit too.
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  He kind of got me the job there and so he trained me.
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  And then I got, I started working there when I was 20.
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  And so I drove a mixer then. Then I met my wife on a blind
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  date. So I met her on a blind date.
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  We both graduated in the same high school, same class.
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  Class of 1980. Gilroy High.
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  Yeah, but we didn't know each other.
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  In OK, don't recall each other in the halls.
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  No. So we two years after on a blind
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  date, I met her at a bar. We weren't even 21 and we back
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  back then it was a lot different.
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  Right. Oh yeah, Yeah.
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  Yeah, yeah. So I met her and then we started
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  dating and then we decided to get married.
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  So. So we got married at 21.
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  And then after we got married, oh, I forgot.
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  Oh, yeah. Before before all that happened,
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  one of the the hardest things I had to do in my life was tell
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  her that I was adopted. So I'll always remember we went
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  to a just Chinese restaurant in Hollister and I said, OK, Jim,
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  it's time to tell her. And it as an adopter, you're
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  afraid that OK, she's gonna leave me and she's gonna think
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  something's wrong with me. Why were you abandoned?
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  Right. So I told her that in in the
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  restaurant he goes, hey, I just wanna let you know something.
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  He goes yeah, he goes I'm adopted and she just looked at
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  me. He goes and hey, just like that.
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  And I said, oh, OK, well, I'm thinking I was going to help get
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  a whole different, you know, reaction like, wow, what's wrong
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  with you? You know, what happened, you
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  know, and that was it. And I guess, I guess that was
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  the first time I ever felt what love was about because I never
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  knew what it was about because that was the first time I wasn't
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  abandoned or felt not loved, right.
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  I felt, oh, somebody actually loves me, she's not gonna
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  abandoned me. And so we got married.
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  And after that, let's see, I was no, not that 20.
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  So we're married and we're living in a town, Los Los Mayos.
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  We're living up there in the valley.
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  We have got a home up there in. And then probably around.
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  Shoot, I was 36. Yeah, 36, I was watching, I
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  think it was Oprah. I think it was Oprah.
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  OK, It was, it was a talk show and it was talking about these
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  adoptees. I don't know if there's
• 13:18
  adoptees, but it was people trying to find lost loved ones.
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  OK. And so I think it was an adoptee
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  because they they showed me what to do, how to start the search.
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  I remember those shows and like seeing and like, loving seeing
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  these like reunions. And those were yes, yes.
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  So. So I looked at it and then I
• 13:40
  told Tina I go. I think it's time.
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  It's time for it, but I think it's time for me to go looking.
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  I says, Are you ready? He goes, yeah, I think I'm
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  ready. So I guess the hardest part
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  about it was I had to go ask my parents for any adoption papers
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  they had. It's kind of like shutting them
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  down and abandoning them or them thinking, you know, I didn't
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  appreciate and one thing, adopt these, you know, we're always
• 14:12
  slammed with the you gotta appreciate everything you've
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  gotten. You weren't aborted or you, you
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  know, erased you and all that. But I I was raised, but I didn't
• 14:23
  have to get any love out of it, you know?
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  Yeah, that's. First time, that's first time I
• 14:27
  heard I love you from my mom because I had it.
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  I told her I was gonna go search for my balance parents.
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  First time I heard I love you from either parent.
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  That's when I was 37 years old. Yeah.
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  So they gave me the paperwork they had.
• 14:44
  It wasn't that much, but they gave it to me and I said OK,
• 14:49
  let's start searching. But what happened with that show
• 14:51
  showed me was what you get asked for is non identity information.
• 14:56
  So what that consists of is. So this is not in any you could
• 15:01
  go to the county where you were born at and request not in any
• 15:05
  information. So the the heading street where
• 15:08
  I worked at, it was like 2 blocks from the county records
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  on heading street in San Jose. So I drove there drove there
• 15:15
  after work and went up to the 7th floor because hi, I'm an
• 15:18
  adoptee. I like to ask for my Nana,
• 15:20
  identifying the information says, OK, well, you gotta fill
• 15:23
  out these forms and it's gonna take, you know, about six
• 15:26
  months. Oh, OK, another six months,
• 15:28
  right. So I fill out the paperwork and
• 15:31
  yeah, what it is is so it came back.
• 15:34
  It also, I went to the mailbox like a month.
• 15:37
  A month after that, uh huh. I opened up my mailbox.
• 15:40
  This is in Las Bayos, and there was this letter, it says County
• 15:44
  of Santa Clara. And I looked at it.
• 15:46
  I go, wow, maybe it's jury duty, or maybe I got a ticket.
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  Yeah, I. Don't.
• 15:51
  I didn't remember right. You're not expecting it, Yeah.
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  So I opened it up. It was my non identity
• 15:56
  information. It was supposed to take six
• 15:58
  months, but it came in a month. OK, So what it is is is it says
• 16:03
  your your biological mother was five, 189 lbs.
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  She had two kids at the time of your birth and she was living,
• 16:12
  she was working at a medical office and she was living with
• 16:15
  your grandparents and that was it.
• 16:17
  And then on the biological father's side, it says your
• 16:20
  biological father was 57. Dark hair, dark eyes, medium
• 16:28
  builds. I went to school to the 10th
• 16:31
  grade and quit, OK. And that was it.
• 16:35
  That's all I had. So.
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  How did you feel when you, I mean, what was your first, do
• 16:43
  you remember what you thought when you've read that or you
• 16:46
  just kind of taken it in? You're like just.
• 16:47
  Taking it in thinking, OK, now what are where am I going to
• 16:51
  find these people with that little bit of information,
• 16:54
  right? Yeah.
• 16:55
  So remember I told you I drove a concrete remix truck, right?
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  I delivered. I delivered concrete all over
• 17:01
  the Bay Area for 30 years at all the.
• 17:02
  Construction sites, right, OK. So one day I was at a job site
• 17:06
  and there's this gentleman, his name is Carlos Bryan, OK?
• 17:10
  I've known him for 20 years. I delivered concrete to his
• 17:12
  company for 20 years and he we always talked about life.
• 17:16
  We got along. I've knew him for 20 years,
• 17:18
  right, because I was at the company for 30.
• 17:20
  Yeah. So he asked me.
• 17:21
  Hey, Jim, what you been up to? It goes.
• 17:23
  Well, you want me to tell you the truth?
• 17:24
  I go. Yeah, it goes.
• 17:26
  I'm looking for my biological family.
• 17:29
  What you mean Joe? Joe is my dad.
• 17:32
  You knew my dad. But my dad really tired.
• 17:34
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, because. Joe's not your dad, he goes.
• 17:37
  No, I was adopted. He goes, wow, that's weird,
• 17:41
  'cause yeah, you guys kind of didn't look like each other.
• 17:43
  Yeah. And then after he goes so I told
• 17:47
  you got any information about your parents?
• 17:49
  I go, yeah. So I told the information about
• 17:51
  my biological mother. OK.
• 17:54
  And he looked at me and he goes, whoa.
• 17:57
  So Jim, what year were you born? I go 62.
• 18:01
  And he goes, whoa. He goes.
• 18:03
  That description is the lady that I knew in the early 60s.
• 18:09
  Her name was Marie. And the exact description of my
• 18:13
  biological mother in that paper was that person Marie that he
• 18:17
  knew that he had a brief affair with.
• 18:20
  And he found out that she gave up a baby for adoption.
• 18:24
  But he didn't know whose child that was.
• 18:29
  See. So.
• 18:31
  So I asked them, do you know where you I could find this
• 18:34
  Marie you're talking about goes? No, I haven't seen her in 37
• 18:39
  years, you know, 'cause it was just a brief affair.
• 18:43
  Yeah, you're like maybe a one night stand, right?
• 18:45
  Yeah. So, but I'll go try and find
• 18:50
  out. It's OK, Thanks.
• 18:52
  So of course, back then, did they have cell phones, right?
• 18:53
  Yeah. Yeah, so you this was, yeah, you
• 18:56
  can't just like look everything up.
• 18:57
  Yeah, so. I I ran to a phone booth.
• 18:59
  I called Tina. I goes, hey, what does this say
• 19:02
  about my biological father? I really, I wanted her, her to
• 19:06
  repeat it again. 57, medium built, dark hair, dark ice.
• 19:11
  That's Carlos. But there's one question that I
• 19:17
  told him that I knew. I told him, OK, all this
• 19:21
  description is you, Carlos, but there's one question I have to
• 19:25
  ask you. But.
• 19:26
  Yeah, so you you went to high school because.
• 19:29
  Yeah. Because.
• 19:30
  Oh, so you graduated and then went to construction?
• 19:32
  No, no, no. I quit in 10th grade.
• 19:34
  That's exactly what the piece of paper said.
• 19:36
  So that's when I told him that's what the piece of paper says.
• 19:40
  Carlos, what did he do? He just goes, wow, I think you
• 19:45
  were my son, 'cause we kind of look like each other so.
• 19:51
  And you had been, you knew him for 20 years?
• 19:54
  Yeah. Delivering cockroach to him.
• 19:56
  And and you guys we. We're connected because we're so
• 19:59
  close and we're and he was such a great guy.
• 20:03
  So this happened like, on a Thursday or Friday.
• 20:05
  On a Monday, I went to work, and it was another driver's name was
• 20:08
  Johnny. And he goes, hey, Jim, I heard
• 20:11
  about you and Carlos. I goes, how do you know he goes?
• 20:15
  Well, I know Carlos's daughter. I lived with his daughter for
• 20:20
  five years, which would be your sister.
• 20:23
  And I told him, he told us the story.
• 20:25
  There's no way your sister wants to meet you.
• 20:29
  Shoot. OK, so I invited her and her son
• 20:32
  and she was a single parent. They came to our house for the
• 20:35
  weekend, get to know him and we're planning holidays
• 20:43
  together. I met his wife and Hollister and
• 20:45
  everything and. And I said, OK, let's do a blood
• 20:49
  test. Yeah.
• 20:50
  So we did a blood test and several weeks later came in.
• 20:56
  He was negative. He wasn't my father.
• 20:57
  So all those, everything that matched to that piece of paper
• 21:01
  matched, but he wasn't my father.
• 21:03
  Yeah, So it didn't match and I had to call him that day.
• 21:08
  Tom, hey, your blood test came out.
• 21:10
  I'm sure you got your results too.
• 21:13
  It says that we're not blood related.
• 21:15
  Cause yeah, I know. I've seen that.
• 21:17
  And he got emotional and I got emotional 'cause I thought I
• 21:20
  found my father, huh? So so that probably was one of
• 21:24
  the worst days of my life. And so my wife just says don't
• 21:27
  give up. Don't give up.
• 21:28
  We're gonna keep on trying, you know?
• 21:30
  And so about six months, well, the 46 months after that, my
• 21:35
  wife was talking to my neighbor across the street.
• 21:40
  There's a couple there in their name were Connie and Dominic
• 21:43
  Velasco. OK.
• 21:44
  I always remember those names. And my wife was going, She was
• 21:48
  talking to Connie, right? Yeah, they were talking.
• 21:50
  Sorry. They started talking about their
• 21:51
  husbands. Yeah.
• 21:54
  So, so all of a sudden, Connie told Tina, yeah, do you know
• 21:58
  that Dominic is adopted? Because he is.
• 22:01
  Because, yeah, cause Jims adopted.
• 22:05
  I mean, he went, he thought he found his dad.
• 22:08
  Oh, shoot. Well, Dominic found his parents,
• 22:10
  but they were both deceased. And he goes.
• 22:11
  You just tell Jim to go talk to Dominic.
• 22:14
  See, I knew Dominic. I played when I moved to Las
• 22:16
  Biles. I played on his softball teams.
• 22:18
  We were friends. But you didn't, you didn't, you
• 22:20
  didn't hear that you were adopted because you guys don't
• 22:22
  go walking around. Hey, I mean like, hey comes up,
• 22:27
  I'm sure right. But.
• 22:28
  Yeah. OK.
• 22:31
  So we did that and I went across the street.
• 22:33
  Hey Dominic. Hey, Connie just told me that
• 22:35
  you were adopted. He.
• 22:36
  Goes. Yeah, he goes, I'm adopted too.
• 22:38
  He goes, oh, shoot, you are. Yeah.
• 22:40
  So he was telling me his story about his search and the
• 22:43
  organization that he belonged to was Adoptees Discovery Network.
• 22:47
  OK. He had a chapter in Merced
• 22:49
  County 'cause he lived in Merced County right now, but I was born
• 22:51
  in Santa Clara County. Yeah.
• 22:53
  So he looked it up. He looked it up and he goes,
• 22:56
  hey, there's a chapter in Santa Clara County.
• 22:58
  You should go to one of the meetings.
• 23:00
  OK. So that's when I had to go to my
• 23:04
  parents and ask him, you got any paperwork for my adoption?
• 23:10
  I'm going to go to this group and they're going to help me
• 23:12
  find my bottles with them. Of course, my dad looked at me
• 23:14
  and says, you're a Serrano. And he goes, Dad, I'm not a
• 23:18
  Serrano. I need to go find out who I am.
• 23:21
  He goes, are you prepared to find out what's out there for
• 23:24
  you? He goes, yeah, I'm prepared.
• 23:27
  So, OK, here's your paperwork. So it was, it was just paperwork
• 23:31
  from my one of the day I was adopted.
• 23:34
  And yeah, so a medical papers from Santa Clara County adoption
• 23:38
  Agency where I was at the hospital and someone named me
• 23:42
  back in the in this, there's another part of the story
• 23:45
  somewhere back in the 60s when I was born, someone named me
• 23:48
  Freddie and they had me under Caucasian.
• 23:52
  Oh, OK. Caucasian and and someone named
• 23:54
  me Freddie. Someone named me Freddie.
• 23:56
  So, so I seen that I said, OK, so I went to the meeting.
• 24:02
  I always say this Neil Kiley was my Angel from the Lord.
• 24:07
  Neil Kiley, remember this name Neil Kiley, OK, He was the
• 24:10
  gentleman that that, that that started these meetings in Santa
• 24:13
  Clara County. He was at a Kaiser hospital at
• 24:15
  one of their conference rooms. So we went there and went to the
• 24:20
  meeting and there was probably about six other adoptees and he
• 24:23
  didn't charge. He didn't charge, He just wanted
• 24:25
  to help people. Wow, that's great.
• 24:28
  So we went and got the, we talked for about these three
• 24:31
  hours. Yeah, the other adoptive is.
• 24:34
  So much you know. That.
• 24:36
  You they. I mean, truly someone to
• 24:38
  understand what it's like to be in your shoes.
• 24:40
  Yeah. Right.
• 24:41
  So yeah, yeah. So then we we left the meeting.
• 24:46
  He goes, OK, Jim, I'll probably try pretty soon to have your
• 24:49
  mother's maiden name. I go, OK, how are you gonna do
• 24:53
  that? Yeah.
• 24:54
  Like, I thought we were just saying, hey, thanks for saying
• 24:58
  whatever, and then sure, yeah. And, of course, me and Tina,
• 25:01
  whatever, you know. Yeah.
• 25:02
  So shoot, it was probably about three months later.
• 25:08
  Yeah, three months later. Go, Jim, I got three names for
• 25:10
  you. But you do.
• 25:13
  It goes. All the last names are Montoya.
• 25:17
  OK, It goes once in LA, one's in Long Beach, and 1 is in San
• 25:22
  Jose. And I have all three addresses
• 25:25
  of these three persons. So he gave them to me.
• 25:30
  So I had them in my pocket, right?
• 25:32
  So remember I delivered concrete.
• 25:34
  Right, OK. So this road in San Jose was was
• 25:39
  on White Rd. in San Jose, right across street from James Lick
• 25:42
  High School. And it was a job site like a
• 25:47
  block down from that address that I had in my pocket.
• 25:51
  You're not supposed to do this, but I did it because I was so
• 25:54
  anxious, right? I looked there was the address
• 25:58
  of that house in San Jose. So I said, yeah, what can I do?
• 26:04
  What can I do? So I just pulled over.
• 26:06
  I was in my mixer. I was ready empty.
• 26:08
  I ready. Go with the right.
• 26:09
  Yep, yeah. So I was there and then I walked
• 26:12
  to the door and I knocked on it and this guy answered the door
• 26:17
  and I go, hey, did you order any concrete?
• 26:20
  And he goes, he goes, no, he goes, oh, OK.
• 26:24
  Well, I got the wrong house I guess And I walked away, got in
• 26:27
  my truck. Just to see.
• 26:30
  Yeah, just hey, yeah. And I was desperate.
• 26:34
  I was desperate. Of course.
• 26:36
  And So what? I put a facade.
• 26:38
  Of course. The smile right here, it, it,
• 26:41
  it, it was a facade for many, many, many years.
• 26:43
  I just hid all the pain behind the smile.
• 26:46
  I mean, and so I didn't want to take the risk, so I I that's why
• 26:50
  I stopped. So two weeks after that, Neil
• 26:52
  Kiley calls me up. He tells me I was in.
• 26:56
  You're right. This is a cousin of mine.
• 26:59
  And he calls me from there. It was on a Friday.
• 27:02
  Yeah, I think it was on a Friday.
• 27:03
  Jim, I found your mother. OK.
• 27:07
  Who which one is it? It's the one in San Jose on
• 27:11
  White Rd. So I had to tell him I went to
• 27:15
  that house like 2 weeks ago. He goes, why I had to.
• 27:21
  He goes, oh, Jim, Jim, Jim, you're not supposed to do that.
• 27:23
  Yeah, I know. I did it anyway.
• 27:24
  So he told me the story. So he goes, OK, here's the
• 27:29
  number. Her name is Noberta Montoya
• 27:33
  Dominguez. OK, so she had three kids at the
• 27:40
  time of my birth. She had two kids ready.
• 27:43
  She had a four year old and a three-year old.
• 27:45
  I was a brief affair, one night stand kind of thing and that's
• 27:50
  why she gave me up. And I just found out probably
• 27:53
  about six months ago which I never knew.
• 27:57
  She passed away like 3 years ago but and she never told me this
• 28:00
  and I just found out that she was sent away when she was
• 28:05
  pregnant with me because of the shame to LA came back gave birth
• 28:10
  to me and they carried on with her life.
• 28:13
  So when I had the phone, I called her and I knew my
• 28:20
  brother's names and my sister's names.
• 28:23
  I knew that I don't know how I knew Kylie got this stuff but he
• 28:26
  did it. He just and so she answered the
• 28:29
  phone about 8:00 at night and asked for Paul.
• 28:34
  Paul was my younger brother and she goes, no, I asked for Bobby.
• 28:40
  That's my older brother. She goes, no, Bobby is the one
• 28:45
  who answered that door that day. OK, So she goes no.
• 28:49
  I knew I had a sister, but my sister lived in in Montana with
• 28:53
  her husband and her family. So I asked her just like this.
• 28:59
  I have a question for you because she goes, I don't
• 29:01
  recognize your name. I know all my son's name,
• 29:04
  friends names, because we're all, we're in a big yeah.
• 29:09
  Wrestling, high school wrestling, sure.
• 29:10
  Yeah. Had a lot of friends, but she
• 29:11
  knew they all hung out like a group.
• 29:13
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I asked her, does January
• 29:18
  22nd, 1962 mean anything to you? It was dead silence over the
• 29:23
  phone. Because I'm gonna ask, and I ask
• 29:27
  you this question one more time. Does January 22nd, 1962 mean
• 29:31
  anything to you? Because who is this?
• 29:35
  Why are you doing this? To me?
• 29:36
  It goes, this is who you think it is.
• 29:40
  I'm not trying to disrupt your life, but I have a 16 year old
• 29:42
  daughter and I just want to know her medical background, which
• 29:46
  was a lie. I just want to know who I was
• 29:48
  right? But I use that excuse because.
• 29:51
  Yeah. So she would stay on the phone
• 29:52
  with me. Yeah, yeah.
• 29:54
  So she just says, I can't talk right now.
• 29:59
  Can I call you tomorrow? I go sure, I'll call tomorrow.
• 30:03
  So I was such a wreck when I got off the phone that my in laws
• 30:06
  had to pick me up from your way, Take Me Home to Las Bilas and me
• 30:09
  and my wife were talking in in the bedroom.
• 30:12
  We were getting ready to go to bed and all of a sudden the
• 30:15
  phone rang. It was no Berta.
• 30:18
  I borrowed your mother. She called me.
• 30:20
  She says, hey, can you meet me tomorrow instead of of me
• 30:25
  calling you? My kids have doctor
• 30:28
  appointments. K, She has doctor appointments
• 30:32
  the next day. Well sure.
• 30:34
  OK, I'll meet you. Where at?
• 30:36
  There was this medical building across from Valley Medical in
• 30:39
  San Jose, right? So I went there about 10:00 in
• 30:42
  the morning and she described what she would look like and she
• 30:46
  would have 4 little kids with her, right?
• 30:48
  I says OK, whatever. So I see her come out of her car
• 30:53
  with the four kids and I just looked at her and I didn't have
• 30:56
  no emotions. It wasn't a Hallmark movie.
• 30:59
  It was, oh, you know, that it wasn't anything like that
• 31:02
  because she was a stranger to me.
• 31:04
  Plus, to be honest, I had a lot of hate in my heart because what
• 31:08
  everything that happened to me is a child, of course.
• 31:10
  So of course you I wanted to lash out at her, right?
• 31:13
  But that didn't happen. So she goes, can you you want to
• 31:16
  go with me to my kids appointments?
• 31:18
  Go Sure. So I went to the kids or doctor
• 31:21
  appointments, whatever. Then she and then we left the
• 31:24
  parking lot and she, she was in the parking lot.
• 31:26
  She goes, Jim, I have to tell you something because yeah, he
• 31:28
  goes, I have to go home and tell my husband that you exist.
• 31:32
  Your siblings don't know you exist.
• 31:35
  Most of the family don't know you exist.
• 31:38
  I kept your secret for all these years.
• 31:41
  I go, wow. So that was another kick in the
• 31:43
  gut. So I said OK, So I said, I, I
• 31:51
  said OK. I gave her a hug and I says,
• 31:54
  well, maybe I'll see you and maybe I won't, you know, 'cause
• 31:57
  you don't know, maybe she'll disappear.
• 31:59
  Great. You know, you don't know.
• 32:02
  And she called me. She called me the next day.
• 32:06
  She goes, my husband said Paul senior, Dominguez senior.
• 32:10
  I had a brother's name, Paul Junior, right?
• 32:12
  So, so she had, she had four, she has four kids, 2 from 1, her
• 32:18
  first marriage, one from her last marriage.
• 32:20
  And didn't me the, the one that she gave up.
• 32:23
  And so he said it's not his fault for what happened to him.
• 32:29
  Tell him to come to the house and meet his brothers.
• 32:32
  So I went to the house, I met my brother Bobby, the one answered
• 32:35
  the door and my younger brother Paul.
• 32:38
  And so I met them and I didn't meet Wanda because my sister
• 32:42
  'cause she was living in Montana.
• 32:43
  So I got home that night and still was wondering, should I
• 32:46
  even ask her who those kids names were 'cause they were
• 32:49
  there at the house, right. So then I asked her, oh, by the
• 32:53
  way, are those all your grandchildren?
• 32:56
  Now? This is the part where you say
• 32:58
  that I, I, that something went off in my head when I was
• 33:02
  looking at your podcast about foster care.
• 33:05
  Uh huh. Those were her foster kids.
• 33:07
  My biological mother and her husband were foster parents for
• 33:11
  25 years and they had 500 kids come through their home.
• 33:15
  But she, but no one ever knew about her secret in San Jose.
• 33:18
  That's why the foster care system hits me hard because I've
• 33:22
  gone to a lot of those help one child events.
• 33:26
  I just go with her. But it wasn't our relationship
• 33:30
  was a roller coaster. I'm going to tell you why,
• 33:34
  because she didn't really know how to treat the kids that came
• 33:39
  to her home. She would say things like the
• 33:42
  way you act is the reason why your parents didn't keep you.
• 33:44
  And we used to get in arguments about it.
• 33:47
  And I used to tell her, just because you're a foster parent,
• 33:50
  don't you have no idea how I feel?
• 33:53
  You have no clue what those little kids feel because I see,
• 33:56
  I've seen them see I knew her for 20 years.
• 33:59
  I seen her come with their plastic bags of of their clothes
• 34:04
  in their their possessions. Which?
• 34:07
  Is a bag. Yet in a yeah, in a trash bag,
• 34:10
  right? Yeah, in trash bag, come into
• 34:11
  the home. That's what.
• 34:13
  That's where our always our argument was about.
• 34:16
  And like I said, it was a roller coaster relationship.
• 34:18
  I'm not going to say, you know, it was a it was great Hallmark
• 34:22
  movie because it wasn't it, it wasn't.
• 34:25
  So after that happened, she told me I asked her that question
• 34:35
  because I didn't even I forgot all about asking the question.
• 34:39
  Yeah, I asked her, hey, who's my biological?
• 34:41
  Who's my father? Is Carlos Bryan my father?
• 34:43
  I thought maybe the blood test was wrong.
• 34:45
  We do it again. She goes, no, that's not your
• 34:48
  father. Well, who's my father?
• 34:51
  Well, I don't know what your father is anymore because the
• 34:53
  last time I seen him was 38 years ago, right?
• 34:56
  Uh huh. When they had that brief affair,
• 34:59
  one night stand, whatever you call it.
• 35:00
  And my wife used to be pissed off at me all the time 'cause I
• 35:04
  always used to call myself a bastard and she hated that when
• 35:07
  I used to say that. And so, yeah, yeah, I know.
• 35:12
  So yeah, I know. I.
• 35:14
  Know so much more but I know yeah, it's hard it's.
• 35:17
  It's hard not to. It's.
• 35:19
  Hard you. Look at the description.
• 35:20
  And that's that was me. So she goes, no, your, your your
• 35:24
  father is raw coca. See, raw Coca.
• 35:29
  This is I have tattoos on my arms.
• 35:31
  And yeah, I have raw tattoos, right?
• 35:33
  Yeah. And this tattoo right here,
• 35:36
  right. If you could see it, yes, that's
• 35:39
  would have been my last name. It says Coca.
• 35:41
  COCA OK, so. I asked her how do I get ahold
• 35:47
  of them? She goes well.
• 35:49
  Your uncle has a furniture store downtown San Jose.
• 35:52
  It's been there for over 50 years.
• 35:54
  It's on Santa Clara and 3rd St. It's called Hank Coca's Downtown
• 35:58
  Furniture. It was there for 50 years.
• 36:02
  Little did you know that was. So it's a job site right across
• 36:07
  the street from Hank. Coca.
• 36:10
  Carts, of course. Right.
• 36:11
  So I walked in there. Delivering cement?
• 36:15
  Yeah, I don't. Know yeah, I.
• 36:16
  Was anyone order cement? No, Yeah.
• 36:19
  Yeah, So I walked in and asked for a Hank Coca.
• 36:23
  That was my. No, that's my uncle.
• 36:26
  Uncle. And the gentleman says no.
• 36:29
  Who are you? Well, my name is Jim Serrano.
• 36:31
  Goes well. I'm Hank Coca Junior.
• 36:34
  I'm his son. Oh, OK, I said, do you know a
• 36:37
  raw coca? And he goes, yeah, that's my
• 36:41
  uncle, so excuse me. You're like, OK, I'm getting.
• 36:46
  You're like, OK. So he goes, Why he goes, Well,
• 36:51
  you're gonna come out and tell you I think I might be his son.
• 36:56
  He just looks at me and goes, what?
• 36:57
  Here's my number. Here's my biological, biological
• 37:01
  mother's name, which would be her maiden name first.
• 37:05
  Yeah. Dominguez's Noberta Montoya A
• 37:09
  gifts to your dad or your uncle if you see him.
• 37:12
  And if you want to get a hold of me, get a hold of me.
• 37:16
  So two weeks passed and my father's, your mother wanted to
• 37:20
  throw me a BBQ, introduced me to some of the family in San Jose.
• 37:23
  So I had the barbecue and on the way home, me and when Tina were
• 37:27
  talking and says, Oh, well, I guess my father doesn't want to
• 37:30
  know me, 'cause look, I just have that number for two weeks
• 37:32
  now. Tina opens up the garage door
• 37:35
  and she goes, you gotta come listen to this message on The
• 37:38
  Voice machine. Why come listen to it?
• 37:41
  It's like push the button. Hi, this is Raw Coca.
• 37:46
  I think we might be father and son.
• 37:48
  You want to meet at Original Joe's for dinner?
• 37:53
  Sure. Yes, you're like, yes, So I met
• 37:58
  him. I met him at Original Joe's.
• 38:01
  I asked him did you know anything about me?
• 38:04
  He goes no, they never knew anything about you.
• 38:07
  She never. Told him she didn't even he
• 38:10
  didn't even know that you. And I was his only child and he
• 38:15
  was never married. He was a bachelor all his life.
• 38:19
  Bang, you got a 37 year old daughter.
• 38:21
  I mean a son. Yeah, a daughter.
• 38:24
  Son, he's like so wow. So so how was that dinner?
• 38:32
  What was was. It so many questions.
• 38:35
  It was weird because I was looking at him and he kind of he
• 38:38
  looks like me in the face. I do look like a coca.
• 38:41
  Yeah, he. Looks at me in the face, but he
• 38:43
  was a twin. He was a twin.
• 38:46
  Oh, so when I see pictures of his twin, Oh my God.
• 38:51
  You look. We look like twins.
• 38:53
  We look like we could have been the father and son.
• 38:56
  Wow. His twin looks exactly like me.
• 38:59
  Ache. Same body types, big shoulders.
• 39:02
  Yeah. And my biological father was
• 39:04
  really thin, but his brother was like me.
• 39:08
  Yeah. Shoulders and everything, yeah.
• 39:10
  And so when he and we went and did a blood test and it came out
• 39:17
  positive. So he was my father, right?
• 39:19
  That must have felt just to know and then also be able to to not
• 39:23
  only know, but then be able to be like, OK, what?
• 39:25
  Yeah, what can we do moving forward?
• 39:28
  Like what can we create? Yeah, so he invited me to meet
• 39:32
  the family in Pacifica when my aunts lived in Pacifica.
• 39:35
  So we went over there. Yes, we went there.
• 39:38
  Yeah, me too. Yeah, so.
• 39:39
  We went there and I met all the family and some of the family
• 39:43
  were crying and I go why are they crying?
• 39:45
  Because his twin had lost his battle with cancer and I looked
• 39:53
  like came back to life. Yeah.
• 39:56
  And when I see pictures of the family, he goes, Oh my God, that
• 40:00
  looked just like him. And so I realized what was going
• 40:04
  on. The cat that carried on my my
• 40:07
  parents, my parents and all that were still didn't want to know
• 40:10
  anything about my reunion. They don't want to know anything
• 40:12
  about it. Nothing.
• 40:14
  They don't know nothing. And yeah, nothing.
• 40:17
  So I'm trying to get it with the story.
• 40:20
  So then a few on my 38th, yeah, 38th or 39th birthday, my
• 40:27
  biological mother wanted to throw me a surprise birthday
• 40:29
  party. She closed a restaurant down
• 40:31
  here in Gilroy and invited 200 of my friends and stuff like
• 40:35
  that. Right.
• 40:36
  But a buddy of mine blew it and and told me the secret right so.
• 40:43
  Sorry, sorry. So right away I asked Tina, I
• 40:48
  goes, are my parents, are my family gonna be there, 'cause
• 40:51
  yeah, they said they're gonna go, it goes, oh, great, 'cause I
• 40:54
  know they were uncomfortable with it, right?
• 40:56
  So the so you're two kind of there for the first time.
• 41:00
  Yeah, OK. So I walked in to the restaurant
• 41:03
  surprise and I see my mom her face was just nothing but
• 41:08
  anguish. I seen my dad was nothing but
• 41:11
  anger and there was my bothering her mother with a big smile and
• 41:14
  her husband. I'm thinking shit.
• 41:17
  So that night, I got drunker than drunk.
• 41:20
  But I always remember one thing. I remember one thing.
• 41:23
  When my dad left, he looked at me and goes, Jim, we're going to
• 41:25
  talk about this in the morning and go shoot.
• 41:27
  What I do now, what I do now? No.
• 41:33
  So the next day, I was in my bedroom where I was watching TV
• 41:40
  and all of a sudden I felt like my heart was coming out of my
• 41:42
  chest. I collapsed.
• 41:45
  I I called for Tina. I go, hey, calling an ambulance.
• 41:48
  I don't know what's going on. Yeah.
• 41:50
  Emma's came and picked me up. They thought I had a massive
• 41:53
  heart attack. This is the day after my 30th
• 41:55
  birthday and I was in ICU for three days and my.
• 42:04
  This is one of the this is one of the only other time I said,
• 42:08
  Lord, if you could take me now, take me now was here comes my
• 42:13
  parents that raised me into the room. 5 minutes later, here
• 42:16
  comes my bother with your mother into the room.
• 42:19
  They're both just looking at me, not saying a word to each other,
• 42:23
  just looking at me. I'm thinking, don't these people
• 42:27
  understand? And I just I said, I remember
• 42:29
  that day. I just Lord, if you could take
• 42:31
  me now. Please take me now.
• 42:32
  I can't take this no more. So 3 days late after that they
• 42:36
  released me and they said, OK, we we think you're, you're fine.
• 42:39
  But we heard about your story, what you're going through.
• 42:42
  You need to say go to a therapist.
• 42:44
  So I went to a therapist and right away he prescribed me
• 42:48
  Paxil antidepressants. I was on antidepressants for
• 42:51
  like 4 or five months. I wasn't even working.
• 42:53
  So I was on antidepressants. And then one day I went back to
• 42:56
  work. I went back to work and there
• 42:58
  was this gentleman there. And they always remember him.
• 43:00
  Isaac Dominguez. He's not even relate to the
• 43:02
  family, but he's. Yeah, he's a guy that I knew ran
• 43:05
  a concrete pump. But hey, you wanna come to
• 43:08
  church with me because I heard you bought your story.
• 43:09
  I know you, what you're going through.
• 43:10
  And he goes, Nah, not really, because but I went anyway.
• 43:14
  And I thought you're like, sure. OK, I'll go.
• 43:16
  Yeah. So, you know, it was highly
• 43:18
  Pentecostal church. So it was like people were.
• 43:21
  Going. OK, this is all these weird
• 43:22
  people, right? Yeah, I said OK, But you know, I
• 43:27
  enjoyed, I enjoyed the music and all that you.
• 43:29
  Know the music? Yeah.
• 43:30
  Yeah, the music got to me, right?
• 43:31
  The worship and all that, Yes. And then so I went and I'm still
• 43:36
  on the antidepressants. And then one day we were at
• 43:39
  service and it was in San Jose. So one day we were at service I
• 43:42
  start feeling anxiety coming and I would have my medicine with me
• 43:46
  and she says well go take a pill.
• 43:49
  Yeah. So I went to the water faucet,
• 43:51
  got myself a pill, took it, and by the time I went back to my
• 43:53
  seat, I felt different. I felt something different.
• 43:57
  And I went home that day. I got all my medications and I
• 44:02
  push it down the toilet. No, that's disposal.
• 44:06
  All went down the disposal. I had an appointment with the
• 44:09
  therapist two days after that. I walked into his office.
• 44:12
  I said, of course. He asked me How you doing, Jim,
• 44:14
  you know, you taking a medication and all that.
• 44:16
  He goes, Nope. I threw it all away because
• 44:18
  what, you can't do that? Yeah.
• 44:21
  I don't need you anymore. I walked out and that Friday,
• 44:26
  remember that program, 2020? A news program.
• 44:29
  Oh, oh. 2020. Yes.
• 44:30
  Oh, yeah. Yeah.
• 44:31
  Yeah. Yeah. 2020 Ever Walters.
• 44:33
  Yeah. Yeah, they had a special on
• 44:35
  Edita presence and one of the medications on there.
• 44:39
  They were talking about Paxil when I was on that people were
• 44:42
  getting off Paxil too fast, committing suicide.
• 44:45
  Yeah, they threw everything away and never touched and never
• 44:49
  touched alcohol ever again. My last beer.
• 44:53
  I still have the picture I saved on my phone.
• 44:56
  Of your last of me. Drinking a beer on my 38th
• 44:59
  birthday. I've haven't had a drink since
• 45:01
  then. Good for you.
• 45:03
  It's. Over 25 years of my sobriety.
• 45:06
  Congratulations. So thank you very.
• 45:09
  Much. Yeah.
• 45:10
  So after all that happened, I guess you could say the
• 45:16
  honeymoon was over. We talked.
• 45:20
  We didn't talk. We talked, we didn't talk.
• 45:22
  I mean, she passed away, she three years ago now and the last
• 45:27
  six months of her life, she didn't talk.
• 45:29
  We didn't talk. She had talked to me.
• 45:31
  Your biological. Mom.
• 45:32
  Yeah. Bi Biological.
• 45:32
  Mom. Uh huh.
• 45:33
  My. Parents, the parents that raised
• 45:35
  me, my mom passed away in 2003, long time ago.
• 45:40
  And then my my dad, he passed away about 12 years ago, but me
• 45:44
  and my wife took care of him for like the first six years of his
• 45:48
  battle with dementia. He had dementia for two years
• 45:51
  and that's. Kind of you guys.
• 45:53
  That's a disease that I don't know just one wish like anybody
• 45:57
  because it it's more about the caregiver than the the person
• 46:01
  with it because. It's a lot of stress on the.
• 46:03
  Care yeah and so so we did that and carried on with life and all
• 46:11
  that and the roller coaster relation with me and my balance.
• 46:13
  Your mother and like I said, she passed away like 3 years ago and
• 46:18
  but then I started finding out more information about like I
• 46:22
  told you, she was sent away when she had pregnant with me.
• 46:25
  She was sent away to LA and came back.
• 46:27
  I'd never knew that. Like.
• 46:30
  Hidden right? Yeah, yeah, just kind of like
• 46:32
  hidden. Secret.
• 46:33
  Yeah, hidden secret, you know, Yeah.
• 46:35
  So I was like 20 years of her telling me that I was equal to
• 46:41
  her kids, which I found out I wasn't in some areas that I
• 46:46
  can't really discuss, OK, Because I don't really like the
• 46:49
  worry about that stuff, you know?
• 46:51
  Sure, sure. And So what I realized that I
• 46:57
  wasn't that important to everybody, which I thought I
• 46:59
  was. So it's kind of like being
• 47:01
  abandoned all over again. I was.
• 47:04
  I was abandoned twice. I was abandoned twice.
• 47:06
  And everybody agrees. I mean, you know, when you know
• 47:10
  people for 20 years and they tell you, oh, we're so glad that
• 47:15
  we know you. You found us.
• 47:17
  Yeah. And all of a sudden they
• 47:17
  disappear. That's an it's like a re
• 47:21
  traumatization. Yes, yeah, you can.
• 47:23
  Sing it. Wow.
• 47:23
  So all those, all that was just a lie.
• 47:27
  You know, it was all just a lie. It's like, wow, I got hit.
• 47:30
  I hit, I got hit again. That's why I got I got tattoos.
• 47:34
  On my face. One of them says I'm still
• 47:36
  standing, I'm still strong. That's from a movie.
• 47:38
  Antoine Fisher, It's a True Story came out 20 years ago with
• 47:41
  Denzel Washington. Yes.
• 47:43
  Yeah, story about him looking for his biological family.
• 47:46
  He went through sexual abuse in foster care.
• 47:48
  And the other one is let your let your your message be your
• 47:52
  mess. So that's, that's why I tell my
• 47:55
  story. And there's one reason why I
• 47:59
  tell my story. I know it's worth me telling my
• 48:01
  story even though my past comes back again is like, I remember I
• 48:05
  told you I was, I trained in Muay Thai.
• 48:07
  Muay Thai and I, yeah, well, I was in AI was in a tournament
• 48:13
  about six, Yeah, six months ago. And so it was in Sunnyvale.
• 48:18
  So I get there and there's this young gentleman, he's probably
• 48:21
  about 2324. I know him from the tournaments
• 48:24
  and stuff like that. And he goes, hey, I go.
• 48:27
  I told him what's up because you, you're not a dad cause the
• 48:30
  Fight Club is called only dads. So not not only fans.
• 48:36
  Only. Dad only.
• 48:38
  Dad, I love it. Yeah, you, you can see us on on
• 48:40
  Facebook or Instagram. You can see our our.
• 48:42
  Only dads. OK, our our fight tournaments
• 48:44
  and all that. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta follow
• 48:47
  that, yeah. Yeah, you, you could see us from
• 48:49
  the last. I'll be like we.
• 48:50
  Had a tournament last last week in Stockton.
• 48:54
  So. So I get there and the young man
• 48:57
  goes, I had to talk, tell you something, 'cause yeah, what's
• 49:00
  up? He goes.
• 49:03
  Two weeks ago I listened to your podcast interview and two weeks
• 49:07
  ago I wanted to commit suicide. And because of you being so
• 49:12
  transparent, you talking about you wanted to kill yourself.
• 49:16
  It stopped me. I didn't kill myself that day.
• 49:19
  This is right before I was going to start fighting on the way
• 49:23
  home. I cried from Sunnyvale all the
• 49:26
  way to go. I called like a baby, yes, like
• 49:29
  a baby. And I was all OK, now I know why
• 49:35
  I'm doing this. Now I know why.
• 49:38
  And I still see the young man now and he's doing really good.
• 49:41
  His girlfriend, all that I look, I go wow, this is the reason why
• 49:45
  I do this. I have chills.
• 49:47
  Like literally the that is. Podcasts are a powerful force in
• 49:57
  helping people right now. Yes, it is.
• 50:00
  And that is every time you Share your story, whether it's in
• 50:06
  person with someone. Yeah, podcast like that Ripple
• 50:09
  effect is real. Yes, yes.
• 50:13
  I mean, I mean, we celebrate in October, Adoptee Remembrance
• 50:18
  Day, because in adoptee land, if you're four other four times
• 50:22
  more likely to commit suicide than a regular person.
• 50:25
  Yes. And I believe that because yes,
• 50:27
  I had those thoughts twice in my life about taking myself out and
• 50:35
  I can't remember. Did I just share with you about
• 50:36
  the somebody contact? Oh, I didn't share with you.
• 50:42
  Yeah, this happened. This happened two months ago.
• 50:44
  So somebody contacted me on Facebook for a friend request,
• 50:47
  right? Uh huh.
• 50:48
  So I looked at the name and I go, wow, that sounds looks
• 50:51
  familiar. So I clicked it.
• 50:54
  I go, oh, I know who that person is.
• 50:57
  I hadn't seen her in like in 30 years.
• 50:59
  Then I clicked on her profile to see her pictures.
• 51:03
  That person is the granddaughter of the person who molest me as a
• 51:09
  child. And I always people used to ask
• 51:13
  me all the time, is he still alive?
• 51:14
  I go. I have no idea.
• 51:16
  Last time I see him was 30 years ago.
• 51:19
  He's still alive because she had pictures of him.
• 51:21
  That's got to be hard. And you know, I want to say,
• 51:23
  Jim, that I, I think that your bravery for speaking about this
• 51:30
  can't be understated because it is attached to such shame and
• 51:37
  people don't talk about it and it eats people up inside and
• 51:42
  especially as a child to have gone through that.
• 51:46
  So I just want you to know from my perspective and for the 46
• 51:52
  countries, 47 countries of people that are going to be
• 51:54
  listening to this that I have traffic from this is so
• 51:59
  important. What you're saying.
• 52:00
  And I think you had shared re shared a reel that said like,
• 52:03
  it's not your fault. And I'm not a therapist.
• 52:07
  I've and a lot of therapy and had therapists on the show done
• 52:10
  a lot of reading. And that is so critical for
• 52:14
  people that are victimized sexually in any way, especially
• 52:20
  sexually. It is not your fault.
• 52:24
  And I the. Funny part about that is you're
• 52:26
  talking about a therapist. I just came back from adoptee
• 52:30
  conference in Atascadero probably about six months ago,
• 52:32
  right? And there was a therapist there.
• 52:34
  Her name is Doctor Liz. She's an adoptee, but she's also
• 52:38
  a therapist. Oh amazing.
• 52:39
  She. We had a long talk, a lot of
• 52:42
  tears, and she suggests she goes.
• 52:45
  He asked me, have you ever just have you ever wondered about or
• 52:48
  have you ever thought about writing your own book about your
• 52:51
  story? Yeah.
• 52:53
  And I go, no, I barely graduated high school.
• 52:56
  She goes, no, no, no. Have you ever thought about it?
• 52:59
  Because I met some authors there too with Yeah.
• 53:02
  And I said, OK. So I started writing my books
• 53:04
  like 6 months ago and I'm at 3/4 away right now that I've never
• 53:07
  felt so much peace writing my feelings on a piece of paper
• 53:13
  than me telling you about it right now.
• 53:16
  Actually. It's something different.
• 53:18
  It's. Something it yes.
• 53:20
  It's all completely something it my soul is resting more now by
• 53:24
  me writing it down because I had a lot of anger in my life.
• 53:27
  A lot of anger. Testified.
• 53:29
  Yeah, I write it down now and it's just like, but I'm
• 53:32
  remembering things now. But what's what is teaching me?
• 53:36
  I'm having more compassion on people, on what they were
• 53:43
  feeling at the time. Like my biological mother.
• 53:47
  Did she have any support? She couldn't even tell me that
• 53:51
  it was night or day when I was born.
• 53:54
  Because she. Yeah.
• 53:55
  It's like trauma for her even it doesn't justify it, but it's
• 54:00
  almost like that quote of like hurt people hurt people and they
• 54:02
  hurt people and they hurt her and then somebody breaks the
• 54:05
  chain. I broke the shade with my.
• 54:07
  Daughter, yeah, I broke this. I did a hopefully 180.
• 54:10
  Beautiful. Because I had to.
• 54:12
  I had to. And the people always ask me
• 54:16
  what is the best, I guess reward you've gotten from being sober
• 54:22
  all these years, Ike says. When your daughter comes up to
• 54:26
  you and says, Dad, I'm so proud of you, it's nothing more.
• 54:29
  I've never felt more joy. My daughter telling me that
• 54:34
  she's proud of me and she's 39 years old.
• 54:36
  She's 39 years old, but it doesn't matter.
• 54:38
  She's still my little girl. Yes, and she's.
• 54:42
  She's my first person I've ever met in my life that had the same
• 54:46
  blood the day she was born. My gosh, oh, I that is so you
• 54:54
  met your family through and you could created it with another
• 54:58
  with the first person who you felt love from, Huh.
• 55:03
  OK, wow, because you told me with your wife the first time
• 55:08
  you felt genuine love and then you created your genuine family
• 55:13
  with the first person that that's so amazing.
• 55:17
  Oh, sorry, I have a daughter. I have a daughter to I'm like,
• 55:23
  whoa, OK, adventures and adversity to the to the many,
• 55:30
  many, many adventures in lots of adversity, yes, but look at you
• 55:35
  now you got a beautiful daughter, a beautiful wife, Muy
• 55:39
  Thai. Your story is literally healing
• 55:44
  you and saving people's lives. And I want to commend you
• 55:49
  because life is difficult, but life is very difficult.
• 55:54
  And again, not in your shoes, but when your start, when you
• 55:58
  have to deal with what you faced, I just want you to know
• 56:03
  like that you're like a adversity warrior at this point.
• 56:09
  But you know the good thing? The weird thing about that is
• 56:12
  adoptees. All Popeye could all agree with
• 56:15
  me. It's very, very, very hard for
• 56:18
  adoptees to take compliments. Oh see, I don't know how.
• 56:22
  To you don't know how to. Someone tells me you're a very
• 56:26
  strong man, Jim. You're you're a warrior.
• 56:29
  I don't. You don't know how to accept or
• 56:32
  receive. It yes.
• 56:33
  I don't know how to receive it because I remember a therapist
• 56:36
  told me Jim, write down sixteens that you're proud of yourself.
• 56:41
  I couldn't do it. You just you had never been
• 56:44
  modeled like you don't even know.
• 56:45
  How I'm fro I'm I'm frozen of of thinking highly of myself.
• 56:52
  Well. Almost 64 years old.
• 56:55
  You know what though? What was it?
• 56:57
  I heard someone, I don't know if it was in church or therapy
• 57:02
  because I've done both and I love both.
• 57:03
  I love therapy and I love church.
• 57:05
  I love anything that connects you to somebody or something
• 57:09
  that can help you heal, whatever that is, whatever religion,
• 57:11
  whatever for me it's God and Jesus.
• 57:14
  For other people, whatever you do you.
• 57:16
  But I will say if anyone is looking right now, that is a
• 57:20
  great place to start or the place to start is like a higher
• 57:23
  power. But it's very I think a
• 57:27
  therapist said you have to Oh, no, no, it was Joyce Meyer, who
• 57:30
  is amazing preacher. She gives it to you straight.
• 57:34
  She she actually was molested by her father growing up.
• 57:38
  Her mother knew about it and and told her, I'm sorry, I couldn't
• 57:41
  handle the shame of telling people.
• 57:44
  She ended up taking care of them in her old age because she, you
• 57:46
  know, got worked through all that stuff.
• 57:49
  And she said I didn't, she didn't know how to receive love.
• 57:53
  You didn't know how to, where you have to actually get in a
• 57:56
  state where after you pray or after if you're not, if you
• 58:01
  don't receive, you have to let yourself receive it even though
• 58:04
  you don't think you deserve it. Exactly.
• 58:07
  And that that's why I always play that that well, you shared
• 58:09
  it on your, your Instagram. It's not your fault.
• 58:13
  People tell me that all the time.
• 58:15
  It's not your fault, Jim, but. You think it is somehow I?
• 58:18
  Think it is what did I do? What did I do?
• 58:22
  Did I do to deserve this, you know, But then, you know, you,
• 58:25
  you were talking about Joyce Meyer and all that.
• 58:27
  See, the reason why the first book I probably read all the way
• 58:33
  through and because I enjoyed about adoption was Michael
• 58:36
  Reagan. You ever heard of Michael
• 58:37
  Reagan? It was Ronald Reagan's adopted
• 58:39
  son. Oh, I didn't know.
• 58:41
  OK. So his name of his book is twice
• 58:44
  adopted. So his name is is the reason why
• 58:49
  he's twice adopted Because he was adopted once, right?
• 58:52
  Yep. Then then Ephesians 15 talks
• 58:54
  about being in the family of God.
• 58:57
  I have that tattooed on my legs too.
• 58:58
  There you go. I that's why.
• 59:00
  We're connected to twice adopted and that's the first book I read
• 59:04
  and he when I read that I go wow, he knows exactly we both
• 59:08
  like do the same exact feelings yes, so.
• 59:14
  That's my story. No, Jim, seriously.
• 59:18
  And I know we were talking about before how it takes a lot out of
• 59:22
  you to tell that story. And I know that every guest I
• 59:27
  talked to reliving that adversity is both difficult and
• 59:33
  ultimately therapeutic, though in the moment.
• 59:36
  Like it, it brings up stuff. You know, there's a lot of times
• 59:40
  during this podcast I have to be like, hold up, wait a minute.
• 59:43
  And I used to actually get like, oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't.
• 59:46
  And I'm like, this is life, man. Like emotions are life like.
• 59:51
  And it's. OK.
• 59:52
  And, and then and I, I, I as somebody who talks to people who
• 59:59
  go through all of these different situations.
• 1:00:04
  You, you are the first person that I've interviewed from this
• 1:00:08
  perspective of having been an adoptee.
• 1:00:11
  I had started with, you know, obviously fostering wishes.
• 1:00:14
  And if there's any adoptees out there listening and let's say
• 1:00:20
  they're at the beginning of maybe thinking about, Hey, I, I
• 1:00:23
  think I'm ready or I think I might be ready to reconnect with
• 1:00:26
  or, or go on that search, which now I'm sure there's apps and
• 1:00:29
  ancestors. I mean, now it's like how how
• 1:00:32
  it's probably happened pretty quick.
• 1:00:35
  Do you have any anything you would go back and tell yourself
• 1:00:40
  when you started the search that might be beneficial?
• 1:00:43
  Like what, what kind of mindset to go into it with or anything
• 1:00:48
  that you could coach adoptees on or.
• 1:00:51
  Yes, you know, I mean not. Because I don't know obviously,
• 1:00:55
  but. Something that I didn't do that
• 1:00:57
  I should have did, should have done when the reunion started.
• 1:01:04
  You gotta set boundaries. You gotta set a boundary when
• 1:01:07
  you if you do find your biological family, some some
• 1:01:11
  adoptees don't find some adoptees search and and their
• 1:01:14
  their parents already have been deceased or or something happens
• 1:01:18
  in their life. Yeah.
• 1:01:19
  So see here the the stories I've heard from all the adoptees I
• 1:01:22
  know now. I mean, just like, wow,
• 1:01:24
  heartbreaking. And sometimes, like me, you're
• 1:01:30
  abandoned again. Sometimes they don't want you to
• 1:01:33
  disrupt their life. See, it's not all I tell people.
• 1:01:37
  It's not all. It's not a Hallmark movie, man.
• 1:01:40
  I'm telling you right now, it's it's a.
• 1:01:42
  Journey. It's a journey I always tell
• 1:01:45
  everybody you want to, you want to experience what a really
• 1:01:48
  adopted experiences. Watch that movie, Antoine
• 1:01:51
  Fisher. This is probably one of the
• 1:01:53
  closest movies I've seen from Hollywood.
• 1:01:55
  That resonates. Resonates with me because yeah,
• 1:01:58
  I can still watch it now and I can still cry the whole time
• 1:02:02
  watching it. And that movies, I've watched
• 1:02:04
  that movie hundreds of times since it's a 20 year old movie.
• 1:02:08
  Yeah, you. Know and it's still just like
• 1:02:12
  every part of that movie when his girlfriend goes with me for
• 1:02:16
  the search and and and it just touches him on the face and he
• 1:02:19
  breaks down because he didn't know what love was 'cause he was
• 1:02:22
  molested all his life. When his my logs and when his he
• 1:02:26
  went back to his foster mother and says he wanted to get
• 1:02:29
  information about his biological family and his foster parent.
• 1:02:34
  He goes she starts yelling at me He goes I'm still standing I'm
• 1:02:38
  still strong I'm going to win you're not going to win anymore.
• 1:02:41
  That's me Nobody is going to win this battle no more.
• 1:02:45
  I'm going to win now. There's a scene in the movie
• 1:02:48
  Creed in the Rocky movie. Oh yeah.
• 1:02:51
  And in the one of the scenes, it says he's getting his butt
• 1:02:55
  kicked by by the his opponent, right?
• 1:02:57
  And he's in the ring, He's in the corner between the rounds
• 1:03:01
  and Rocky's telling me, OK, I'm going to call it, this is it.
• 1:03:03
  I'm going to call this fight goes don't do it.
• 1:03:06
  Don't do it because I got to prove it.
• 1:03:09
  I got to prove it. He goes, what do you got to
• 1:03:11
  prove? Because I got to prove I'm not a
• 1:03:13
  mistake. So that's what I've been doing
• 1:03:15
  all my life, even though people say you're not a mistake, but
• 1:03:19
  it's easy for you to say. People always send me.
• 1:03:21
  Will you ever heal from this joke?
• 1:03:23
  No. Do I get home?
• 1:03:24
  That's that's what I'm going to heal.
• 1:03:26
  But will I heal? Oh, I still remember this, this
• 1:03:30
  stuff like it happened yesterday, you know, and.
• 1:03:33
  It's tough stuff. Yeah, it's tough stuff, but but
• 1:03:37
  I have to show my I have to be transparent or people won't come
• 1:03:41
  to me. People won't not kill themselves
• 1:03:45
  if I wasn't transparent. So I was preparing myself last
• 1:03:50
  night for this interview and I'm saying, Jim, what are you going
• 1:03:52
  to say? Do what you always done, Jim.
• 1:03:57
  Why stop now? People can see right through
• 1:03:59
  you, Jim. That's true.
• 1:04:00
  So that's why I do this. And you, as are all of us, we're
• 1:04:06
  all a gift and it, we're all, we're all children of God,
• 1:04:11
  right? And again, I know part of my
• 1:04:16
  spiritual journey is realizing that we are like so loved beyond
• 1:04:24
  or even that we can fathom. We we, we can't feel that in our
• 1:04:29
  pain, whatever that pain comes from all the different sources
• 1:04:34
  of adversity. It's so hard in the moment, but
• 1:04:38
  there is beauty when you sort of surrender and realize that like
• 1:04:45
  the love, the love that maybe people withheld from you or
• 1:04:50
  didn't give to you can come back a million fold in places you
• 1:04:54
  can't even imagine through the eyes of your daughter, your
• 1:04:58
  wife, right? Like these people who come up to
• 1:05:00
  you and say you speaking your truth, help me stay on this
• 1:05:05
  earth. Yeah.
• 1:05:07
  So by no means were you a missing look at what you've
• 1:05:09
  done. And again, I'm just through the
• 1:05:13
  cloudy view of pain. You can't see that.
• 1:05:16
  And all of us can't see that when people are like Bree, what
• 1:05:19
  when I'm like down being like I, there's been so many times where
• 1:05:23
  I'm like, what am I doing on this podcast?
• 1:05:25
  I can't do it. You know, you get like a
• 1:05:26
  negative comment, a troll. You get people like, what are
• 1:05:29
  you doing? You're embarrassing yourself.
• 1:05:31
  And then I'm like, some days I'm like, ha, that's funny.
• 1:05:33
  Other days I'm like, should I just stop?
• 1:05:35
  What am I doing? This is I don't know what I'm
• 1:05:37
  doing. And then you just like attack
• 1:05:39
  yourself, right? All those so as a human, I can
• 1:05:44
  relate to the pain from a for a different reason.
• 1:05:49
  This podcast was born out of, you know, narcissistic abuse.
• 1:05:52
  But yes, again, not the same. But the moment I think that we
• 1:05:58
  all are on our knees going, God, I can't do this anymore.
• 1:06:02
  I can't do it no more. Yeah, you.
• 1:06:02
  Know I can't do it. I had one of those where I was
• 1:06:05
  and I and I've talked about it where I was like, I googled the
• 1:06:09
  just so you don't feel like you're the only one and I know
• 1:06:12
  you don't, but I googled and it was hard to tell my family this,
• 1:06:16
  but I did. I googled like the dosage for
• 1:06:19
  like Advil. I'm like, what would, and then I
• 1:06:21
  did it in this room and then I like did it and I'm like, no, I
• 1:06:25
  can't, I can't, but I'm just going to go to bed and I like
• 1:06:28
  slept for four hours during the day, which I never do, but I'll
• 1:06:32
  never forget that moment. And then in that moment, there
• 1:06:35
  was somebody there IA voice of like God or in my brokenness
• 1:06:40
  being like, no, no, but I tell you, people like you sharing
• 1:06:46
  your stories. When people are on their knees,
• 1:06:49
  they're going to remember that that guy Jim, who talked about
• 1:06:54
  when he felt like that. And look at what you've been
• 1:06:56
  through. And I know it's hard for you to
• 1:06:57
  receive this, but maybe, maybe you can start receiving all the
• 1:07:02
  love that you should have gotten earlier now.
• 1:07:08
  I, I I try to live. You probably heard this line
• 1:07:11
  before, but I try to live. This one guy, my favorite
• 1:07:15
  fighter, his name is Kevin the Soul Assassin.
• 1:07:19
  Ross. He's a Muay Thai fighter, right?
• 1:07:21
  The best fighters in the United States.
• 1:07:23
  And if you go to Joe Rogan's podcast, yeah, he'll go.
• 1:07:28
  He'll talk about his sexual abuse as a child.
• 1:07:30
  He emits it on the show for the first time.
• 1:07:33
  And he always says, I look at a 1011 year old child now and I
• 1:07:39
  go, how can somebody do that to that person?
• 1:07:42
  And but he has one picture in his room.
• 1:07:46
  He talks about it and I try to believe that too.
• 1:07:48
  I try to believe that it says be the man you needed growing up.
• 1:07:53
  That's what I try to be. I mean, I, I could, I mean, I've
• 1:07:56
  been in this one gym here in Geroy for, well, I celebrated 9
• 1:08:00
  years, right? And I talked to a lot of the
• 1:08:02
  young men because it's a young man's sport, right?
• 1:08:04
  But I'm still, I'm still sporting with these 20 year old
• 1:08:07
  kids. That's awesome and I'm still
• 1:08:09
  keeping up and that's awesome. The the best part about it all
• 1:08:13
  is I get to talk to these kids about life.
• 1:08:16
  I get to, I get to pray with them.
• 1:08:18
  I get to talk to them about life issues.
• 1:08:21
  One of the fighters, his mom is battling breast cancer right
• 1:08:24
  now. Well, see, my mom died from
• 1:08:26
  breast cancer, so I know what he's feeling.
• 1:08:28
  I could see it in their eyes when they're when they're
• 1:08:30
  hurting. And I'll and I went to him last
• 1:08:33
  week. He goes, hey, what's going on?
• 1:08:37
  He goes, can you see it in my face goes, Yep, that's why I'm
• 1:08:40
  walking over here to you. And you know, he just says, I
• 1:08:45
  could always come and talk to you, Jim.
• 1:08:46
  Good, good. That makes me feel good that you
• 1:08:49
  could. Come talk to me.
• 1:08:50
  A lot of guys asked me what should I do?
• 1:08:53
  Well, I could tell you what I did and what happened to in my
• 1:08:56
  circumstances. Do you want that Now?
• 1:08:59
  I'm not you. I'm not your conscience.
• 1:09:03
  I'm not your brain. Now you got to say what you want
• 1:09:06
  to do, but I'm going to tell you what happened to me by doing
• 1:09:10
  stuff I shouldn't have done. Now that's up to you to decide.
• 1:09:14
  You can shepherd them, yes, through your good experience and
• 1:09:18
  like bond with them and get some exercise.
• 1:09:20
  It's those in between. I love that you're mentoring
• 1:09:25
  them. See so so.
• 1:09:28
  I think that's that's the one thing I enjoy the most.
• 1:09:30
  I mean, even when I went to the tournament in Stockton, I had
• 1:09:34
  one guy, he goes, Jim, come over here because yeah, he's he's
• 1:09:37
  like a champion work guy. Because I want to take a picture
• 1:09:41
  with you. Oh, OK, He goes why?
• 1:09:44
  Because you're such an inspiration, man.
• 1:09:46
  I see you all over social media. He goes, hey, I can't believe
• 1:09:50
  you're this old. You keep up with this.
• 1:09:51
  You kick you kicked my ass today.
• 1:09:53
  He goes, well, yes, like you like you hitting your
• 1:09:55
  grandfather, isn't it? Because dad, you don't hit like
• 1:09:58
  a grandfather. So, you know, it makes you, it
• 1:10:01
  makes you feel good and that makes me feel good, you know?
• 1:10:04
  But the other stuff, like you're so strong because what you went
• 1:10:07
  through, that's the that's the hard part to, to take that
• 1:10:12
  compliment. I could take the other stuff
• 1:10:13
  about, Oh yeah, you inspired me because you're fighting this and
• 1:10:18
  that. But I think that's the part of
• 1:10:20
  of, like I told you, the Rocky scene.
• 1:10:22
  I'm trying to prove it. You can see my dad, my dad's
• 1:10:26
  been dead for 12 years now, but it seems like I've always tried
• 1:10:29
  to prove my my macho towards him because I yeah, because I never
• 1:10:36
  received. Something, yeah.
• 1:10:37
  Never received it, even though I took care, took care of it.
• 1:10:40
  With dementia, I had to go and take a shower with them because
• 1:10:44
  with the dementia you're scared of water on there.
• 1:10:47
  I had to actually. My dad had so much pride.
• 1:10:49
  I had to go in the shower with them and wash them.
• 1:10:52
  Now you look at it, now I go, yeah, just like, wow.
• 1:10:55
  What's amazing to me, the first thought is yet he didn't tell
• 1:11:00
  you verbally he loved you. You taught him and showed him
• 1:11:04
  actually what love in action you.
• 1:11:09
  You showed him a love shower. Even though, even though he
• 1:11:12
  probably didn't know because the dementia.
• 1:11:15
  Didn't know like. Last stages of it, you know you.
• 1:11:18
  That is love like you actually embodied what love is of, like
• 1:11:23
  doing the right thing. Even though Joyce Meyer talks
• 1:11:27
  about that, that she took care of her mom, she had so much
• 1:11:31
  anger and she's like, but God, I'm going to take care of her.
• 1:11:36
  And that was a tough and it's taken her whole life.
• 1:11:39
  Instead, she's like, I wasn't always like this.
• 1:11:41
  She's like, I'm still stubborn. You should have seen me 40 years
• 1:11:44
  ago. She's like, I would have like,
• 1:11:46
  and I'm like, I just love her because she's so real.
• 1:11:48
  I love real people, you know? Oh, Jim, you are one hell of a
• 1:11:54
  guy. And again, I know it's hard for
• 1:11:57
  you to receive that. So but I'm just going to keep
• 1:11:58
  saying it. Maybe you will receive it.
• 1:12:01
  And I just commend you and I and I just commend you as a fellow
• 1:12:08
  human because I think that your energy from the second you got
• 1:12:14
  on the laptop with here, I was like, oh, he's he's he's he's
• 1:12:19
  you're awesome. Your energy comes through.
• 1:12:22
  You've got light in your eyes. I think that you are a very
• 1:12:27
  special person and I'm just going to pour it all over you
• 1:12:30
  there for Sunday, receive it at some point.
• 1:12:36
  But yeah, I'm just, I'm always amazed by how people can take
• 1:12:43
  circumstances that feel like they can literally take you out.
• 1:12:48
  Do you find yourself these days when you're in a tough spot?
• 1:12:52
  Is your go to Muay Thai prayer talking or like is it a how do
• 1:12:57
  you take care of yourself? All three, yeah.
• 1:13:00
  All three. Probably all three and I my job,
• 1:13:04
  what I do now is I retired, but I I work for a street sweeping
• 1:13:08
  company. But the the the cities that that
• 1:13:10
  I go and check out whatever are Pacifica.
• 1:13:15
  Yeah, Monterey. Nice Carmel.
• 1:13:19
  Beautiful. So I'm most, I'm at the beach
• 1:13:22
  like four or five times a week and sometimes there's a scene.
• 1:13:28
  You ever seen that program? This Is Us.
• 1:13:32
  Yes. OK, there's a scene in there
• 1:13:34
  with the with the adopted child that the the remember he goes
• 1:13:39
  into the lake. Yes.
• 1:13:40
  He goes into the lake and he goes in there and his biological
• 1:13:45
  mother that already passed away comes to him in the water and he
• 1:13:50
  she goes please. She grabs him like this and he's
• 1:13:54
  in the water in the lake. Let it go and he goes but I
• 1:14:00
  don't know how to it goes. Just let it go.
• 1:14:03
  Just then he just screams. That's what I do sometimes.
• 1:14:06
  You just scream release it. Because I held everything in for
• 1:14:14
  so many years, now I know what. Now I know what to do.
• 1:14:18
  You have the tools and the, yes, the coping mechanisms.
• 1:14:22
  And the water really soothes me. Yeah.
• 1:14:26
  And and of course, I'm by myself.
• 1:14:28
  I'm not. I don't want anyone to hear
• 1:14:29
  anything. You can think I'm a wacko.
• 1:14:30
  Yeah. Oh, shoot.
• 1:14:32
  Oh, wow. Whatever.
• 1:14:35
  That's OK. People think I'm a wacko now.
• 1:14:37
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So.
• 1:14:38
  That's what I do. That's what I do a lot.
• 1:14:40
  Quiet time. I have a lot of quiet time.
• 1:14:42
  I don't really watch TV that much at all.
• 1:14:44
  I'm usually have my headphones on and listen to some music and.
• 1:14:47
  Yeah. Calms me down.
• 1:14:49
  Yeah. And just like, just just I do
• 1:14:53
  all three. I do all three.
• 1:14:54
  Yeah. Muay Thais save me a big time
• 1:14:58
  with anger issues, you know. Yeah, disciplining those
• 1:15:02
  feelings. Yeah, discipline.
• 1:15:03
  And then then if I have something, I'll take it out on
• 1:15:06
  the bag. Of course I won't take it on on
• 1:15:08
  an opponent, but I'll take. It out on the bag.
• 1:15:09
  That's when you just lay into the bag.
• 1:15:11
  Lay into it. And then?
• 1:15:13
  People will go, oh, shoot, you OK?
• 1:15:15
  Yeah, I'm OK. Yeah, I'm, I'm better now.
• 1:15:17
  Just channeling some emotions. OK, OK, go for it, you know.
• 1:15:24
  That's actually the best way to do it.
• 1:15:26
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put out on that and then I.
• 1:15:29
  Mean I used to, I used to kill the pain with alcohol for all
• 1:15:32
  those years, right? And now people always ask me, he
• 1:15:35
  goes, how did you quit? Would you do a 12 step program
• 1:15:39
  or? Yeah, he.
• 1:15:40
  Goes no, he goes. I had a wake up call when you're
• 1:15:45
  ended up in ICU the next day after your last drink that wakes
• 1:15:49
  you up. And I've never do.
• 1:15:52
  I get tempted. Oh hell yeah.
• 1:15:54
  I get tempted when I see a beard.
• 1:15:56
  Hell yeah, I want a beer. What?
• 1:15:59
  I know. You know it's on the other side
• 1:16:01
  of. That, yeah, I know.
• 1:16:02
  I know. Can't have one.
• 1:16:03
  I know the tricks in this head. I know the tricks and I always
• 1:16:08
  tell people it's like opening up a bag of chips.
• 1:16:10
  Are you going to have one chip? No.
• 1:16:12
  Or a bag of corn nuts. You can have one corn nut, no.
• 1:16:15
  So just like. Oh no.
• 1:16:17
  I can't. I can't.
• 1:16:19
  And they said, well, it's not as soon to drink.
• 1:16:22
  I was. No, it's not.
• 1:16:23
  It says it's going to be a drunkard.
• 1:16:26
  Could I have one beer? Yeah, I could have a beer, but I
• 1:16:28
  don't want to because I know, I know me.
• 1:16:31
  I know what goes on in this head.
• 1:16:33
  Yeah, I'm not going to go in that direction.
• 1:16:36
  Yeah. Plus, I'd never want to see my
• 1:16:38
  dog see me with a beer in my hand.
• 1:16:42
  It's the last thing I ever want to do.
• 1:16:43
  Yeah, well, you know, it took you, you, you felt the pain to
• 1:16:49
  get there. And I think it's ultimately like
• 1:16:52
  you telling your story as a reminder to people to like, drop
• 1:16:56
  the shame. It's OK.
• 1:16:57
  We all have adversity. We all have things or
• 1:17:02
  substances. We've struggled with anger.
• 1:17:05
  Like we're all just, we're all just little people trying to
• 1:17:09
  figure this crazy thing out. And if you want to get biblical,
• 1:17:14
  we got all this kind of crazy stuff coming at us where I'm
• 1:17:16
  like, whoa, OK, this is real. I'm that's a whole other story,
• 1:17:21
  which I, I can have you back to talk like spirituality, all
• 1:17:25
  sorts of stuff with all my guests.
• 1:17:27
  I want them all to come back because they're all like my
• 1:17:29
  besties now. So I just love anyone who is
• 1:17:34
  authentic and able to take a a shitty situation and really just
• 1:17:39
  be like, let's talk about it. And I'm gonna tell you how I
• 1:17:42
  pulled myself out of it. Yeah.
• 1:17:44
  Well, my daughter, she nicknamed me Forrest Gump.
• 1:17:47
  She goes, Dad, you could sit on a park bench and talk to
• 1:17:50
  anybody. Hey, Yeah, that's me, though.
• 1:17:53
  That's that's. Awesome.
• 1:17:55
  My wife is the complete opposite.
• 1:17:56
  We're like, like she's complete opposite of me.
• 1:17:59
  Oh, my husband, like, podcasting would be his worst nightmare.
• 1:18:02
  And I'm like, history. And he's like, yeah, are you
• 1:18:05
  done now? I'm like, yeah.
• 1:18:08
  Exactly. Hey, you know yin and Yang, they
• 1:18:11
  need us, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:18:13
  My daughter will sometimes will say when we lose you, all we
• 1:18:16
  have to do is listen. Listen to Dad's voice, because
• 1:18:19
  we find you. That is so good.
• 1:18:24
  Yeah. There she is.
• 1:18:26
  Yeah. Oh, my gosh.
• 1:18:28
  That's a good one. Well, Jim, I, I think I'm going
• 1:18:33
  to put, we'll put a bookmark on this because I'm going to have
• 1:18:38
  you back to talk about your book.
• 1:18:41
  How about? That because you're.
• 1:18:43
  You're writing it right now. Yeah, I'm about 3/4 away right
• 1:18:46
  now. I'm, I'm at right now.
• 1:18:48
  I'm at the part where I walked into the store looking for my
• 1:18:54
  brother or father. That's where I'm at right now.
• 1:18:56
  I haven't even got to the to the being in ICU and all that stuff.
• 1:19:01
  I haven't gotten there yet. You know what it's it's you got
• 1:19:06
  a story for sure. And we're gonna have you back to
• 1:19:10
  talk about your book, to check in.
• 1:19:12
  And thank you again. This was a wonderful connection.
• 1:19:16
  I feel like I've got a Bay Area buddy now.
• 1:19:18
  Yeah, you do. And I know we were supposed to
• 1:19:20
  meet in person. So why don't we meet in person
• 1:19:22
  when you could bring me a copy of the book.
• 1:19:25
  OK, I'll order it. I'll order it and then I'll have
• 1:19:27
  it waiting. Everyone's been asking me that,
• 1:19:29
  you know? You guys are like OK stop asking
• 1:19:31
  me I. Know I'm telling you right now
• 1:19:33
  it's right now it's just for me because it's it's calming my
• 1:19:37
  soul and it it it and I've had people read parts of it.
• 1:19:42
  Even Tina's read some of it. She goes, wow, this is good.
• 1:19:45
  And I go because I'm just writing what I feel.
• 1:19:48
  It's Yep, Awesome. That's the way to go.
• 1:19:52
  Well, Jim, thank you so much. I'm gonna put a link to all of
• 1:19:56
  your pages and any causes or organizations that you would
• 1:20:01
  like me to to put in the show notes about for adoptees and
• 1:20:06
  books that you recommend besides your own.
• 1:20:10
  It's coming up. I will recommend that.
• 1:20:13
  Yeah. I just, I really look forward to
• 1:20:15
  this being published because I think this kind of raw,
• 1:20:18
  authentic conversation is really needed in the world.
• 1:20:22
  And people like you make it you, you, I have no doubt that you
• 1:20:27
  light up rooms that you walk into and because of the you've
• 1:20:32
  managed to keep that light despite what life has thrown at
• 1:20:35
  you. And I and I'm, I really respect
• 1:20:37
  that. And you are and you are you.
• 1:20:41
  We all do, right? We all, we all have to keep
• 1:20:43
  going. Yeah.
• 1:20:45
  And there's beauty on the other side.
• 1:20:47
  Right. All right, Jim.
• 1:20:48
  Well, I hope, I hope you have a beautiful Sunday.
• 1:20:51
  And we'll be publishing this in a couple days if that's cool
• 1:20:55
  with you. Yeah, that's.
• 1:20:56
  Fine, you do what you need to do.
• 1:20:58
  All right. OK.
• 1:21:00
  Thanks. We'll talk soon.
• 1:21:01
  Bye. Bye, love you.
• 1:21:02
  Bye.