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Quick Lift: The Good Girl Rules You're Allowed to Break · Loud & Lifted

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  Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, where
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  we take the biggest ideas from our conversations
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  and turn them into something you can use today.
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  In my conversation with Michelle Minikin, we
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  talked about good girl conditioning. And I want
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  to start there because I think that phrase can
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  be very easily misunderstood. When Michelle talks
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  about good girl, she is not describing a personality
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  type. She's talking about conditioning. It is
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  the set of roles so many women absorb over time
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  about how we're supposed to behave if we want
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  to be liked, accepted, successful, respected,
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  or even just easy to be around. Be nice. Be useful.
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  Be agreeable. Don't take up too much space. Don't
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  disappoint people. Don't be difficult, prove
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  yourself, and keep everyone comfortable. And
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  what makes this so sneaky is that a lot of those
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  behaviors are rewarded, especially at work. You're
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  dependable, you're helpful, you anticipate what
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  people need. You step in, you fix things, you
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  keep them moving, and you're the one everyone
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  knows they can count on. Sound familiar? Look,
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  none of these are bad qualities. The problem
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  is when you stop realizing you have a choice.
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  You start making decisions based less on what
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  you actually want or need and more on what will
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  keep everyone else happy with you. And that's
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  really the point of Michelle's work. This isn't
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  about women needing to become tougher or more
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  confident or learning how to say no more often.
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  It's about recognizing the rules that we have
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  internalized, rebuilding self -trust and starting
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  to make choices based on what is actually true
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  for us. So there were three big takeaways for
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  me from this conversation, and each one has something
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  very specific you can do with it. Key takeaway
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  number one, being capable can quietly turn into
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  being endlessly useful. This connected immediately
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  for me, for my conversation with Sherlyn Sklenicki
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  about competence and how it can become a liability.
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  The more you prove you can handle it, the more
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  people hand you. And Michelle added another layer
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  to that. Sometimes we keep accepting all of it
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  because being useful has become tied to how we
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  see our own value. I actually learned a version
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  of this pretty early in my career. I worked for
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  a woman I really admired and she was incredibly
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  capable, worked really hard, and was absolutely
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  the person who just got shit done. And because
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  of that, people gave her more and more and more.
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  And she became the person everybody knew would
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  just handle it. At one point, ironically, she
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  gave me a book with a title along the lines of,
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  why good girls don't get ahead, but gutsy girls
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  do. And I remember that sticking with me, you
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  know, 20 some years later. Because even back
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  then, I could see the difference between being
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  valuable because you're strategic, trusted, and
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  willing to speak up, and being valuable because
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  everybody knows you will quietly pick up whatever
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  gets dropped on you. Those two are not the same
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  thing. And I think a lot of us fall into this
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  without even realizing it. We like being dependable.
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  We like being needed. And we like being the one
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  who can handle it. But at some point, you have
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  to ask whether you are choosing the work or whether
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  the work just keeps choosing you because everybody
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  knows you'll say yes. So here's your action item.
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  The next time something lands on your plate,
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  pause before you grab it. Ask yourself, am I
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  actually the right person to own this or am I
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  just the person everyone knows who will handle
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  it? and then go one step further. Do I actually
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  want to say yes here or am I worried about what
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  saying no will mean about me? You can absolutely
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  still say yes, but now it's a choice instead
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  of just conditioning running quietly in the background.
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  Key takeaway number two, your villain error just
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  may be the moment you stop performing that old
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  role. This is probably my favorite part of the
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  whole conversation. Michelle talks about how
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  for a lot of women, being disliked can feel like
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  an emergency. And I think that shows up in really
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  normal ways. You say no and then spend five minutes
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  explaining why. You make a decision and you immediately
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  start wondering how everyone is going to feel
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  about it. Someone seems annoyed with you and
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  now you're replaying the conversation wondering
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  if you should clarify, apologize, soften it,
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  or just somehow fix it. I had to learn this as
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  my own career guru. Early in my career, I really
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  did think that if I worked hard, tried to do
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  the right thing, and treated people well, everybody
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  would pretty much see me as sunshine and roses.
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  And then you start leading more people and making
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  harder decisions, and you realize, oh shit, not
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  everyone is going to like me. Not everyone's
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  going to even agree with me. And sometimes somebody
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  can genuinely think I'm the bad guy, even when
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  I believe I made the right decision. That was
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  a big shift for me. At some point, I had to stop
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  using, does everybody like this, as the test
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  for whether I was leading well. And that's why
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  Michelle's villain -era language landed so much
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  for me. Sometimes becoming the villain in someone
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  else's story simply means you stopped absorbing
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  the cost of keeping them comfortable. Think about
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  that. You say no, and now you're difficult. You
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  stop doing something that was never really yours
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  to carry and now you're not a team player. You
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  stop explaining yourself over and over and now
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  somebody thinks you're cold. You leave something
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  that isn't working for you anymore and someone
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  gets to decide you're selfish. You don't get
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  to control everybody else's story about you.
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  And this is also where Michelle's talk about
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  becoming unfuck with a bull, which I love, because
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  she doesn't mean being cold or not caring what
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  anybody thinks. It's almost the opposite. You
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  can care what someone thinks. You can listen
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  and you can take feedback and you can admit when
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  you got something wrong. But you are grounded
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  enough in yourself that somebody else being unhappy
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  with you does not automatically send you into
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  fix it mode. I love that. So here's your action
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  item. The next time you say no, set a boundary
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  or make a decision somebody doesn't love, pay
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  attention to what happens right after. Before
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  you start over explaining or trying to make them
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  feel better, just give it a minute. Ask yourself,
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  did I actually do something I need to fix or
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  am I just uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable?
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  If you got it wrong, own it. It's gonna happen.
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  But if you didn't, let that discomfort sit there
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  for a little while without immediately trying
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  to make it disappear. That's part of rebuilding
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  self -trust. Key takeaway number three, nobody
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  necessarily wants you to change. This was another
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  part of Michelle's work that I thought was really
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  important because we talk a lot about doing the
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  work on ourselves. Set the boundary, stop people
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  -pleasing, speak up. Stop saying yes to everything.
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  Well, that's great, right? But then you actually
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  change, and people around you may not be thrilled
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  about it. Michelle uses the crab bucket analogy.
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  One crab can climb out of a bucket pretty easily.
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  Put a bunch of crabs in there, and when one starts
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  climbing out, the others pull it back down. And
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  she's not saying everybody around you is intentionally
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  trying to sabotage you. Her point is that systems
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  like stability. Your team, family, friendships,
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  even your workplace have all adjusted to the
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  role you play. If you're always the fixer, everyone
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  else gets used to you fixing. If you're always
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  the accommodating one, people get used to you
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  accommodating. If you are the one who never says
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  no, your yes becomes part of how the whole system
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  functions. So when you change, everybody else
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  feels it too. And sometimes the pushback is not
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  really about the boundary itself. They just like
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  the old arrangement better. That does not automatically
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  make them bad people. Some people will adjust.
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  Some will get curious. Some relationships will
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  have to recalibrate. And some people may really
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  struggle with this new version of you because
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  the old version was much more convenient for
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  them. Michelle talks about noticing the difference
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  between curiosity and control. Curiosity sounds
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  like, okay, tell me more. What's changed? Control
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  sounds more like guilt. pressure you've changed
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  or trying to push you back into the role you
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  were playing before. So here's your action item.
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  If you start changing a pattern and somebody
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  pushes back, don't immediately retreat. Give
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  it a little time. Ask yourself, is this person
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  trying to understand my change or are they trying
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  to get me to go back to the old version of me?
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  That does not mean you immediately end the relationship
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  or assume that intent. Some people just need
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  time to catch up. But you also do not need everybody's
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  permission to keep changing. And I think that
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  really brings the whole conversation together.
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  Good Girl deprogramming is not just setting more
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  boundaries. It is recognizing the rules you've
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  been following without even realizing it. It
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  is checking in with yourself instead of automatically
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  looking outward for approval. It is making the
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  choice that is actually true for you. And then,
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  maybe the hardest part, it is tolerating what
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  happens next without immediately abandoning yourself.
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  Someone may not like your answer. Someone may
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  prefer the old version of you. Someone may even
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  decide you're the villain. And you can still
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  listen, stay kind, take responsibility when it's
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  yours, and trust yourself enough not to run back
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  and make everybody comfortable again. Maybe that
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  is really the villain era. and maybe becoming
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  unfuckable is not about becoming somebody completely
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  different. Maybe it's just getting to the point
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  where you can come back to yourself and stay
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  there. If this hit home, go back and listen to
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  my full conversation with Michelle Minikin. We
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  get into good girl conditioning, self -trust,
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  boundaries, why people may resist when you start
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  changing, and what it actually looks like to
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  stop following the rules you never consciously
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  chose in the first place. Until next time, stay
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  loud and keep lifting.