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Bonus IMPROV - They Told Me That I Have Sidewalk Amnesia · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  welcome welcome welcome to very fine friends we're gonna bang out bang out some bonus
• 0:22
  Improv.
• 0:25
  Joe.
• 0:26
  I'm banging out.
• 0:28
  I want the world to know.
• 0:30
  Tell her.
• 0:32
  I'm going to improv.
• 0:33
  Go.
• 0:34
  Right now.
• 0:34
  I'm banging out.
• 0:36
  Joe, can we get a suggestion?
• 0:37
  Abusive.
• 0:39
  Oh.
• 0:42
  Abusive.
• 0:45
  I was abused.
• 0:47
  Oh, no.
• 0:48
  By whom?
• 0:50
  I was verbal abuse.
• 0:51
  Oh, no.
• 0:52
  Want to hear a funny story about it?
• 0:54
  Yeah.
• 0:55
  I always wanted to hear a funny story about abuse.
• 0:57
  About my trauma.
• 0:59
  When I was a kid, my dad would like scream at me all the time.
• 1:03
  And like really like crazy screaming.
• 1:05
  Yeah.
• 1:06
  And I was like, my whole plan was like, I'm going to get myself taken away.
• 1:10
  And so I had, you know, remember the little tape recorders with miniature cassettes?
• 1:13
  Yeah.
• 1:14
  Like the talkbacks?
• 1:17
  Yeah, but like the handheld ones.
• 1:19
  Yeah.
• 1:19
  Business people would use it in movies.
• 1:20
  Remind me to look into whatever the fuck
• 1:23
  So I had one of those
• 1:25
  Well he didn't, I just found it
• 1:26
  And I'm like, oh I have this plan
• 1:27
  So we're in the car
• 1:29
  And I'm in the back and he was like yelling at me
• 1:31
  And I was recording
• 1:33
  And I said, you know, I think this is verbal abuse
• 1:36
  And I'm probably in like elementary
• 1:37
  Like fifth grade, sixth grade
• 1:39
  And he's driving
• 1:40
  And he turns around while he's driving
• 1:42
  And he's like, if you ever say that again
• 1:44
  I'll kill you
• 1:45
  Like at the top of my lungs
• 1:46
  And so I'm like, I got it
• 1:48
  I got the tape.
• 1:51
  It's played out exactly the way you wanted it.
• 1:53
  I was so happy.
• 1:54
  I'm like, oh, I'm gone, bitch.
• 1:56
  So like I hid the tape in my like armoire.
• 2:02
  And when I came back from school the next day, it was gone.
• 2:07
  Yeah, it was like never brought up again.
• 2:11
  Wow.
• 2:11
  Did he stop yelling at you?
• 2:13
  No.
• 2:14
  He just made sure you didn't have recording devices?
• 2:16
  Get rid of the evidence.
• 2:18
  Yeah.
• 2:18
  if you ever record me again
• 2:21
  I'll fucking kill you
• 2:22
  oh
• 2:26
  oh
• 2:26
  oh
• 2:26
  oh
• 2:27
  oh
• 2:27
  oh
• 2:27
  oh
• 2:27
  oh
• 2:27
  oh
• 2:28
  oh
• 2:29
  oh
• 2:29
  oh
• 2:29
  CPS if you're listening
• 2:30
  and we know you are
• 2:31
  you're too late
• 2:32
  where were you
• 2:34
  the time has been done
• 2:36
  now he's got legal protection
• 2:37
  I'm not allowed to yell at him
• 2:38
  interesting how the world works
• 2:40
  full circle
• 2:43
  do you think he's got a tape recorder at home now
• 2:47
  he's trying out your tricks.
• 2:49
  So I know he did this on accident,
• 2:51
  but on iPhone, there's an option
• 2:53
  where you can record your calls. You turn it on.
• 2:56
  And he constantly
• 2:57
  is screwing up his phone. Like he'll butt down me
• 2:59
  10 times a day because he never locks his phone.
• 3:02
  And
• 3:03
  I started, he would call me and
• 3:05
  for a period of time, like I would answer and I'd be
• 3:07
  like, hello. And I'd hear a voice.
• 3:09
  This call is being recorded.
• 3:12
  And I'm like, what the hell
• 3:13
  are you doing over there? He's like, huh? I'm like, why
• 3:15
  are you recording this? He's like, I'm not.
• 3:16
  I'm like, you are.
• 3:19
  So I would come home and he had like 25 phone calls not just me like anyone he ever talked to He had like a file of like recorded calls because he didn know they were there But like I had to like delete them all Did you listen to any of them
• 3:32
  No.
• 3:32
  I mean, the first one was like, is this all me?
• 3:34
  This man's trying to put me in jail.
• 3:35
  And I'm like, no, this is just like anyone.
• 3:38
  But I would be interested to hear the ones that he was having with other people.
• 3:43
  What if he's like a completely different person when he's not with you?
• 3:47
  You have no idea the rage I would feel if that were true.
• 3:50
  Turns out he's really competent and suave and makes funny jokes and understands things.
• 3:57
  All the recordings are like, what's your Venmo?
• 3:58
  I want to send you $100 right now.
• 4:00
  Just came into two mil, don't know what to do with it.
• 4:03
  I'm just giving it away.
• 4:06
  Well, let's hope that's not the case.
• 4:08
  Yeah.
• 4:10
  And now, improv.
• 4:18
  Honey?
• 4:19
  Yeah.
• 4:19
  Honey?
• 4:20
  what um what i do what did you know can you explain you explain this tape what what this
• 4:31
  yeah there's a little tape and a tape recorder and it says veronica don't touch
• 4:39
  and i'm veronica and i'm wondering what's on here that i shouldn't
• 4:45
  be hearing.
• 4:48
  I'd really rather not talk about it.
• 4:50
  That's okay.
• 4:51
  No, we're talking about it.
• 4:53
  It's my tape.
• 4:54
  God damn it, we're talking about it.
• 4:56
  Veronica, it's my tape.
• 4:57
  No, no, no.
• 4:59
  When we got married,
• 5:00
  when we got married,
• 5:01
  we said,
• 5:02
  we looked into each other's eyes
• 5:04
  and we said,
• 5:05
  everything from now on,
• 5:07
  we're sharing completely.
• 5:09
  Nothing.
• 5:10
  We're like,
• 5:10
  we're going to have nothing
• 5:10
  that's our own anymore.
• 5:12
  It's all joint.
• 5:13
  You're serious about that?
• 5:14
  I thought that was just wedding
• 5:15
  extravagance.
• 5:18
  Yeah.
• 5:20
  Okay.
• 5:20
  You want to go there?
• 5:21
  Veronica will go there.
• 5:22
  You want to know what's on this tape?
• 5:23
  Yes.
• 5:23
  I want to know what's on the tape.
• 5:27
  A few months ago,
• 5:29
  I fell and I hit my head
• 5:30
  really hard.
• 5:32
  Yeah.
• 5:32
  I remember.
• 5:33
  Yeah.
• 5:33
  As a matter of fact,
• 5:34
  that's why you were a big baby about it.
• 5:35
  I had to nurse you for like days.
• 5:39
  Go on.
• 5:43
  Sorry.
• 5:43
  When you said nurse me,
• 5:45
  Oh, no, not like that.
• 5:47
  I know.
• 5:47
  Get your mind out of the gutter.
• 5:49
  I'm sorry.
• 5:49
  I'm sorry.
• 5:50
  I have high testosterone.
• 5:54
  Well, what you don't know is I went to the hospital after that,
• 5:57
  and they told me that I have sidewalk amnesia
• 5:59
  from hitting my head on the sidewalk.
• 6:03
  And it comes and goes,
• 6:04
  but they said you might start forgetting really important stuff.
• 6:07
  So I've been recording things you say
• 6:11
  so that I don't forget.
• 6:13
  So I want to be a good husband.
• 6:14
  You notice I didn't call you Veronica.
• 6:16
  I forgot till you reminded me.
• 6:19
  Yeah.
• 6:21
  So you have sidewalk amnesia.
• 6:25
  Who told you that?
• 6:28
  Very funny.
• 6:30
  Okay.
• 6:31
  A little sidewalk amnesia joke.
• 6:33
  How come the other day when I was trying to remember when we,
• 6:39
  that one time that we went to,
• 6:45
  remember when we went to Hooters kind of like as a joke and I was trying to remember what day it was and you were like no no I remember exactly what day it was because I on the TV in the backgrounds Um it was the NCAA men final from 2007 Uh but it was the quarterfinals and that uh aired exactly on this
• 7:01
  day. And so I know exactly what day it was. Yeah. And our waitress was Tiffany and she had 34 double
• 7:06
  D's. And I remember that, that, uh, you kept saying nurse me to Tiffany. I'm feeling sick.
• 7:13
  nurse me. Yeah. I was not joking. Yeah. Uh, how come you remembered all of that?
• 7:20
  Well, the doctor said that, um, it comes and goes and he said not to take it personally
• 7:25
  because what you're experiencing right now, Veronica is very normal. This was explained
• 7:32
  to me by the whole medical staff. They said, wives don't always understand. Um, I hope that
• 7:38
  you're not like the rest of them because i'm trying to get better well so i'm gonna be honest
• 7:45
  this sounds fake this sounds fake to me but you remembered when i hit my head why else would i
• 7:51
  make a tape well yeah let's just see what's on this tape then no i'm gonna um i'm gonna take
• 7:58
  and unwind it really quick no no you said you wanted to be a good husband and this is to remember
• 8:02
  so you're a good husband so if you unwind it then that means you're a bad husband by your own logic
• 8:07
  that you're willing to forget things that I say
• 8:09
  because, no, I want to hear what's on this tape.
• 8:12
  Okay.
• 8:13
  I'll let you listen to it,
• 8:15
  but I will just say that this is a gut punch to trust.
• 8:19
  If you don't trust, then that's okay, Veronica.
• 8:21
  I want to hear what you've been recording me saying.
• 8:24
  What if it's about GIFs you might be getting?
• 8:28
  I might be getting?
• 8:28
  You said you've been recording me.
• 8:30
  Saying stuff you wanted.
• 8:34
  What if it contains HIPAA?
• 8:37
  My own HIPAA.
• 8:38
  It's me talking.
• 8:40
  You could have been gossiping about your aunt
• 8:41
  with her dysplasia thing.
• 8:43
  And you were recording that?
• 8:45
  I never know what you're going to say.
• 8:46
  I love you.
• 8:48
  God.
• 8:49
  What if when you hear your voice,
• 8:53
  you hate it so much you kill yourself?
• 8:56
  Honey, I have a podcast I listen to.
• 9:00
  I know what my voice sounds like.
• 9:02
  Yeah, but that's on nice equipment.
• 9:04
  Okay.
• 9:04
  I'm willing to take that risk.
• 9:06
  I've put up the best fight I can
• 9:08
  All I'll say is
• 9:09
  I love you
• 9:10
  Derek
• 9:11
  My head still hurts
• 9:12
  And I have sidewalk amnesia
• 9:13
  But here's the tape
• 9:14
  I'll put it in
• 9:16
  Okay
• 9:16
  Putting it in
• 9:18
  This is happening
• 9:21
  I'm pressing play
• 9:22
  Oh my god
• 9:24
  I can't stand Cindy
• 9:25
  I can't stand Cindy
• 9:27
  Oh don't be mean
• 9:29
  She's a terrible neighbor
• 9:30
  Also her butt is
• 9:31
  Her butt's so flat
• 9:33
  How does
• 9:34
  How does
• 9:35
  Get a flat butt.
• 9:38
  God, fucking hate her.
• 9:40
  I don't look at other butts.
• 9:41
  I don't know.
• 9:41
  God, don't.
• 9:45
  My head hurts.
• 9:46
  Oh, God, just don't.
• 9:47
  If you tell Cindy about this, we're getting divorced.
• 9:51
  Why would I?
• 9:52
  Hey, Derek.
• 9:55
  Whoa, you recorded that?
• 9:57
  You were recording that?
• 10:00
  You can't.
• 10:01
  What if Cindy ever hears that?
• 10:03
  Knock, knock, knock.
• 10:04
  Oh, my God.
• 10:04
  Oh, my God.
• 10:05
  Oh my God.
• 10:05
  Oh, that was close.
• 10:06
  They almost had knockers.
• 10:08
  Get your, again.
• 10:09
  I'm sorry.
• 10:09
  I'm sorry.
• 10:10
  Knock, knock, knock.
• 10:11
  Oh God.
• 10:12
  Oh God That Hold on Let me get in a position Cindy annoying knock Okay open it Hey oh Cindy Hi It me Cindy
• 10:24
  Yeah, I know.
• 10:25
  You don't have to announce who you are every time I literally just said your name.
• 10:27
  It's me, Cindy Veronica Desplasia III.
• 10:32
  Yeah, I don't.
• 10:33
  From Brentwood, California.
• 10:36
  You don't have to always announce everything.
• 10:38
  It's also weird that you didn't have a middle name until you met me,
• 10:41
  and then you took my first name as your middle name.
• 10:46
  Anyways.
• 10:46
  We don't call you hip as a nickname.
• 10:49
  Hip dysplasia.
• 10:50
  We don't.
• 10:50
  That's not a nickname.
• 10:51
  Why would you even say that?
• 10:52
  My last name is Jessplasia.
• 10:54
  That's a totally unrelated and different thing.
• 10:57
  I know.
• 10:57
  I'm just saying we don't do that.
• 10:59
  Anyways.
• 10:59
  Yeah, you're the head of the HOA.
• 11:01
  Anyways.
• 11:02
  I just, hey, I'm just so happy to be friends with you.
• 11:06
  Anyways.
• 11:06
  I'm sorry, Cindy.
• 11:07
  What?
• 11:09
  Hey, wait.
• 11:10
  Don't be rude.
• 11:10
  Can I offer you a drink? Would you like some water?
• 11:12
  Sparkling or flat?
• 11:15
  Oh my god.
• 11:18
  Is this because of that rumor going around on the HOA message board that my ass is flat?
• 11:26
  No, what is it?
• 11:28
  I never noticed.
• 11:30
  No, no, I need you two to tell me right now.
• 11:32
  What do you think of my ass?
• 11:34
  Yes.
• 11:36
  It's about the rumor.
• 11:38
  Derek, what are you doing?
• 11:40
  I'm being free.
• 11:42
  No, Derek.
• 11:42
  There's a rumor going around about your ass.
• 11:44
  No.
• 11:45
  Some people are talking about it and recording it and talking about it later.
• 11:47
  No.
• 11:48
  Is it a flat rumor or a big rumor?
• 11:51
  Which would hurt your feelings?
• 11:54
  No, no cheating.
• 11:56
  Answer the question.
• 11:57
  It's flat.
• 11:59
  Oh, hey.
• 12:00
  Ha ha.
• 12:01
  I literally would never say that.
• 12:03
  You were just saying it the other day, remember?
• 12:04
  I.
• 12:05
  No, I wasn't.
• 12:06
  Thank God.
• 12:09
  Wait, what?
• 12:10
  I've naturally had such a big ass.
• 12:15
  It's those dysplasia jeans.
• 12:16
  It's okay.
• 12:17
  My husband said he's going to leave me
• 12:20
  if I don't make my ass look more like
• 12:22
  a 19-year-old college basketball player's.
• 12:27
  You should take him to Hooters.
• 12:32
  So this is good news?
• 12:33
  Well, hey, guess what?
• 12:35
  I have been saying your ass is flat.
• 12:39
  Derek?
• 12:40
  Doesn't that feel good?
• 12:41
  Do you want to play her the proof?
• 12:43
  Yeah.
• 12:44
  Here, I'll just put the tape back.
• 12:45
  Oh, is that the way I had it in before?
• 12:47
  I don't remember.
• 12:47
  Here, I'll just put it in.
• 12:50
  Hey, Derek.
• 12:51
  Oh, your wife's not home.
• 12:53
  Oh, I like that.
• 12:56
  What?
• 12:57
  What is it?
• 12:58
  Wait.
• 13:00
  Veronica, it's not what you think.
• 13:02
  What?
• 13:04
  Veronica, have you heard of HIPAA?
• 13:08
  I've heard of hippos.
• 13:10
  You are one.
• 13:14
  Hey, Veronica?
• 13:16
  Yeah?
• 13:20
  What's that...
• 13:22
  dildo-shaped thing that says New Derek?
• 13:26
  Scene.
• 13:40
  you