Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / SEASON 2 FINALE: Q&A From the Dr. Sarah Hensley Clients and Community Facebook Group

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SEASON 2 FINALE: Q&A From the Dr. Sarah Hensley Clients and Community Facebook Group · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast soon to be the
0:14
Speaker 1: Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. In fact, this is the last
0:17
Speaker 1: episode of season two. As we roll into season three,
0:21
Speaker 1: we will officially be the Doctor Sarahinsley Show. I am
0:24
Speaker 1: your co host Raina Butcher here with our host, Doctor
0:27
Speaker 1: Sarah Hensley herself. Hello, we couldn't help, but just want
0:31
Speaker 1: to wrap up season two with something that you guys
0:33
Speaker 1: tend to really really love. Which are the Q and
0:36
Speaker 1: a's yes and again, just for reference, Doctor Hinsley has
0:41
Speaker 1: not seen any of these questions prior to I'm asking
0:44
Speaker 1: them to her on the fly directly from the love
0:47
Speaker 1: Dot Clients and Community Facebook group. If you aren't a member,
0:50
Speaker 1: it's completely free to be a member, so go join
0:53
Speaker 1: that group on Facebook. You can ask your questions there.
0:57
Speaker 1: And eventually, guys, as we move into the new studio,
0:59
Speaker 1: one of our long term goals is to have call
1:02
Speaker 1: ins and we cannot wait. Yes, yes, sure, we cannot
1:06
Speaker 1: wait because I think that will be really dynamic and
1:08
Speaker 1: fun to have call ins and just to be able
1:10
Speaker 1: to kind of answer people's questions in real time, and
1:14
Speaker 1: it allows people to to see more of like your
1:17
Speaker 1: coaching abilities, which is so good. All right, here we go,
1:21
Speaker 1: let's dive right in. Let's do it. Hi, everyone, Yesterday
1:24
Speaker 1: I did a very big thing. I ended my relationship
1:27
Speaker 1: with a dismissive avoidant partner with whom I've been with
1:30
Speaker 1: for ten years. We also work together. Not only do
1:34
Speaker 1: we not only do we work together, but he is
1:37
Speaker 1: also in a position of power and in many ways
1:39
Speaker 1: my boss, and honestly, I don't want to erase what
1:41
Speaker 1: we built together professionally over those years. But that's a
1:44
Speaker 1: conversation for another day. What I told him is that
1:47
Speaker 1: I want us to take thirty days of no personal communication.
1:50
Speaker 1: Then we can meet and discuss what uncoupling looks like
1:54
Speaker 1: and how we can move forward. Of course, there's still
1:56
Speaker 1: a part of my brain that thinks maybe during these forty,
2:00
Speaker 1: these thirty to forty days, we will miss each other
2:02
Speaker 1: so deeply realize everything, and then he'll change. I'm aware
2:05
Speaker 1: of that fantasy. I did talk to him about taking
2:08
Speaker 1: the hybrid coaching group together for a month, but he
2:12
Speaker 1: kept blowing me off. A part of me really wanted
2:14
Speaker 1: us to do one final try, but honestly, the level
2:17
Speaker 1: of hurt, resentment, and nervous system activation between us became
2:19
Speaker 1: too extreme and exhausting. It started feeling almost convulsive, like
2:25
Speaker 1: trying to get one last breath into something that is dying. Yeah, girl,
2:31
Speaker 1: you're a poet. The love is not the question. I
2:34
Speaker 1: know we love each other deeply. I think in many
2:35
Speaker 1: ways we probably always will, and he'll be one of
2:38
Speaker 1: the greatest loves of my life. So I really want
2:42
Speaker 1: to ask those who went through a breakup between a
2:44
Speaker 1: fearful avoidant and a dismissive avoidant dynamic, how do you
2:47
Speaker 1: stop the mental loop? If we'd only taken this course,
2:51
Speaker 1: if we'd only had more time, if he only grew
2:54
Speaker 1: his attention capacity and became more emotional, how do you
2:58
Speaker 1: stop negotiating with reality after the relationship has already exhausted
3:03
Speaker 1: your nervous system.
3:04
Speaker 2: I've said it before, I'll say it again. You're trying
3:07
Speaker 2: to think through what you need to really be feeling
3:09
Speaker 2: through somatically through your body in a safe way. Your
3:14
Speaker 2: mind is trying to be the guide, when really your
3:18
Speaker 2: emotions need to be your guide, and you need to
3:21
Speaker 2: move through them so that you get integration of the
3:23
Speaker 2: reality and the truth, Because right now you're stuck between
3:28
Speaker 2: the fantasy of potential and the reality of the pain.
3:32
Speaker 2: And there is really no great place to go when
3:39
Speaker 2: you're in that rock and a hard play situation other
3:42
Speaker 2: than walking through, right, you have to walk through instead
3:46
Speaker 2: of being stuck in between the rock and the hard place.
3:48
Speaker 2: You got to get yourself out, and you only do
3:52
Speaker 2: that through moving through the pain appropriately. And that's a
3:55
Speaker 2: somatic experience. And I just can't stress it enough that
4:00
Speaker 2: rumination is a huge sign that you've never really learned
4:03
Speaker 2: to process your emotions. And I think in this situation
4:10
Speaker 2: in particular, there's a little bit more of a fantasy
4:12
Speaker 2: built like he'll always be one of the great loves
4:15
Speaker 2: of my life. I don't look at any of my
4:16
Speaker 2: past relationships and go, that's the love of my life.
4:19
Speaker 2: I look at my husband and go, that's the love
4:21
Speaker 2: of my life. Everything else compared to.
4:24
Speaker 1: That, it wasn't even love close to love.
4:28
Speaker 2: And when you actually get into a healthy and secure relationship,
4:31
Speaker 2: you'll look back on what the DA gave you and go,
4:33
Speaker 2: that was like barely a friendship. Yeah, that wasn't even
4:37
Speaker 2: a relationship exactly. Because they are so emotionally distant, and
4:42
Speaker 2: they are so a lot of times even physically distant,
4:47
Speaker 2: they take on a life of their own that they
4:50
Speaker 2: really don't include you in, and it's just not a
4:55
Speaker 2: sustainable partnership unless they are willing to try to do
4:59
Speaker 2: the work. If they're on the more severe side. Now,
5:03
Speaker 2: I would suggest you doing the program. Yeah, that's what
5:05
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, by yourself, so that you can
5:07
Speaker 2: learn these.
5:07
Speaker 1: You don't need him to do the program.
5:09
Speaker 2: Yes, And honestly, I would bet my car against a
5:14
Speaker 2: donut that when you do, you're not going to really
5:16
Speaker 2: want him back. You're going to be like, oh, that
5:19
Speaker 2: doesn't feel good to my nervous system anymore. Maybe not
5:21
Speaker 2: right away, but after the tools really take hold and
5:24
Speaker 2: your nervous system starts shifting into that safer space, anything
5:27
Speaker 2: that pulls you out of safety is going to feel.
5:29
Speaker 1: Like yeah, and you're going to realize that you're going
5:31
Speaker 1: to have the same epiphanies Sarah and I've had, which
5:34
Speaker 1: are did I really.
5:35
Speaker 2: Even love them? Yeah? It was what we knew was love.
5:39
Speaker 2: It was all we could conceptualize love to be. Yeah,
5:42
Speaker 2: and you only know what you know, You only know
5:44
Speaker 2: what you know, and you don't you don't, Yeah.
5:46
Speaker 1: I would, I would. I would encourage you to go
5:49
Speaker 1: through the program only because I mean, just recently, I've
5:52
Speaker 1: had a friend who went through the course, and she
5:56
Speaker 1: she's had so many enlightenments, like we do these voicemamos
6:00
Speaker 1: back and forth to each other, and just hearing the
6:03
Speaker 1: difference between her now and you know, just even six
6:07
Speaker 1: weeks ago, it's night and day. And I mean she
6:11
Speaker 1: said that exact thing the other day again about her Dax.
6:15
Speaker 1: She was like, it's weird, Like she was like, I'm
6:17
Speaker 1: wondering if I even really ever liked him.
6:20
Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, you're just addicted to the intermittent reinforcement.
6:23
Speaker 2: I'm like, and there can be good times, but again,
6:26
Speaker 2: it's intermittent. It's not stable, it's not consistent, and who
6:31
Speaker 2: wants to be in a relationship where it's just a
6:34
Speaker 2: little bit sprinkled in here and there, never again, no.
6:39
Speaker 1: Never again, not for a million dollars. All right, newby
6:42
Speaker 1: here be gentle please, How do you handle when giving
6:45
Speaker 1: space turns into no contact? Context? My partner of three
6:49
Speaker 1: years is FA and I'm a healing da thanks to
6:52
Speaker 1: doctor Hinsley's hybrid group program.
6:55
Speaker 2: Thanks for the shout out.
6:56
Speaker 1: Yes, my partner and I had a major conflict and
6:58
Speaker 1: he said that he needed a day or two to process,
7:01
Speaker 1: but that was six weeks ago. What he hasn't communicated
7:05
Speaker 1: at all since he let me know he needed a
7:06
Speaker 1: couple of days of space. The very awkward part is
7:09
Speaker 1: that we lived together in my house. What he moved
7:12
Speaker 1: into the spared bedroom and stays in there until after
7:15
Speaker 1: I leave for work in the morning. He doesn't come
7:17
Speaker 1: home until after the time that I usually go to bed.
7:19
Speaker 1: I thrive on a routine, so I have a very
7:21
Speaker 1: predictable schedule. I've texted him a couple of logistical things
7:25
Speaker 1: that he needed to know, repair people coming to the house,
7:28
Speaker 1: et cetera. And he has acknowledged my text with a
7:31
Speaker 1: thumbs up.
7:34
Speaker 2: And not that thumbs up. Not the thumbs up that
7:38
Speaker 2: is like a middle finger. It is literally the generation.
7:41
Speaker 2: It is a middle finger. She said.
7:43
Speaker 1: I am hurt and confused and not sure how to
7:45
Speaker 1: handle this. Any help or guidance is appreciated.
7:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's time to draw the boundary and just be
7:51
Speaker 2: out seas they broke up with you essentially and didn't
7:54
Speaker 2: tell you.
7:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, and now he's just I mean, I don't know
7:57
Speaker 1: whose house it is. I mean, there are some variables.
7:59
Speaker 1: Obviously we don't know am out here. But if it's
8:01
Speaker 1: your house, honey, it's time to tell time.
8:03
Speaker 2: It's time to put him out, hit the road, out
8:05
Speaker 2: the door by don't give him like a two week
8:08
Speaker 2: notice to find a place and then.
8:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do compassionately. Obviously we're not just be like
8:12
Speaker 1: get out.
8:13
Speaker 2: No, I would be like, time's up. I would really
8:16
Speaker 2: appreciate it if you would find a new place to stay.
8:19
Speaker 2: I'm going to put a two week timeline on that,
8:21
Speaker 2: because you don't owe him anything. He ghosted you in
8:25
Speaker 2: your own home, right, No, you do anything but two
8:28
Speaker 2: week notice.
8:29
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, should should she do one? Like?
8:32
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like she's gone to reach out though,
8:34
Speaker 1: Like should she do a hey, can we come together
8:38
Speaker 1: at this time? No?
8:39
Speaker 2: No, the time has passed, And I would say that's
8:41
Speaker 2: on her. She should have earlier. That's again, she's probably
8:46
Speaker 2: handling it better than most das would. Most das would
8:49
Speaker 2: have probably kicked him out by now. In terms of
8:52
Speaker 2: like being very like crappy about it, I guess I
8:59
Speaker 2: think she's probably just in her own healing journey trying
9:03
Speaker 2: to figure out, okay, what is the right secure behavior.
9:07
Speaker 2: But yeah, it's it's past the deadline. It's past the deadline. Yeah, No,
9:13
Speaker 2: it's it's.
9:13
Speaker 1: She knows, she knows.
9:15
Speaker 2: Listen, listen, be done.
9:17
Speaker 1: And I know it's painful either way, but like it's
9:21
Speaker 1: either prolonged pain or you know, hey, let's face the
9:24
Speaker 1: pain and then.
9:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, move forward, short term pain versus indefinite pain.
9:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. All right. Do you ever struggle telling your
9:31
Speaker 1: perception from reality? What do you what do you do?
9:36
Speaker 1: What do you do to help you tell the difference?
9:39
Speaker 2: Meta cognition. That's the first capacity bulleting tool that I teach.
9:48
Speaker 2: You are so biased. We just did an episode on
9:50
Speaker 2: the human bias.
9:51
Speaker 1: Go listen to that.
9:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, go listen to that episode on the biases that
9:54
Speaker 2: are affecting your relationship. Because your perception is your reality,
9:57
Speaker 2: and your perception is not accurate. Everybody's a subjective but
10:00
Speaker 2: we can learn the skills to build a more objective
10:03
Speaker 2: filter by being able to monitor our thoughts in real
10:06
Speaker 2: time and essentially play Devil's Advocate with ourselves and really
10:10
Speaker 2: hunt for what is the truth here and what is
10:12
Speaker 2: the evidence behind what I'm saying. When you are in
10:17
Speaker 2: a threat state, you make a ton of assumptions. You
10:19
Speaker 2: don't get to be curious. You don't have time to
10:22
Speaker 2: be curious because you're in a survival state. So you
10:25
Speaker 2: make assumptions and those assumptions aren't always correct. And so
10:29
Speaker 2: everybody that has attachment wounds are looking at themselves, their
10:32
Speaker 2: partner and the relationship through that wounded lens. And you
10:37
Speaker 2: have to learn the skills, mainly metacognition, to break it
10:40
Speaker 2: down and challenge and challenge it and to be objective
10:43
Speaker 2: and to actually gather true evidence for what you think
10:49
Speaker 2: is going on. And the standard or what I should say,
10:52
Speaker 2: burden of proof is very high in metacognition work. Is
10:57
Speaker 2: it one hundred percent true? There's no other alternative possibilities.
11:03
Speaker 2: That's a high burden of proof. Yeah, so most people
11:06
Speaker 2: are not used to holding their thoughts to that high
11:08
Speaker 2: of a standard.
11:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, high skill, the highest of standards.
11:13
Speaker 2: You don't have to learn it from me, but definitely
11:14
Speaker 2: learn it.
11:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is a great skill, and it's a practice.
11:18
Speaker 2: You know if it is, it is a practice. We
11:20
Speaker 2: are not inherently designed to operate that way. But the
11:23
Speaker 2: nervous system is a muscle and you can grow it.
11:25
Speaker 1: That's right. We've done episodes on that too. Before. Okay,
11:29
Speaker 1: I know I'm an f A. I'm curious what style
11:31
Speaker 1: sees any expression of feeling a need, grievance, or anything
11:35
Speaker 1: perceived as them as being not good enough? Girl as FA?
11:41
Speaker 2: I guess no, girl, that's a DA really yeah, look
11:44
Speaker 2: at the comments? What did they say?
11:46
Speaker 1: I'm curious what style sees any expression of feeling a need, grievance,
11:49
Speaker 1: or anything perceived as them not being good enough.
11:51
Speaker 2: That's the that's the day.
11:54
Speaker 1: I've always felt not good enough? Well, yes much or
12:00
Speaker 1: not good enough?
12:01
Speaker 2: Yeah?
12:01
Speaker 1: See you felt. I always feel like I'm either too
12:05
Speaker 1: much or I'm not good enough my entire life.
12:08
Speaker 2: That is the ultimate FA conundrum. And I have been
12:10
Speaker 2: there for sure. But no, anybody that takes the slightest
12:14
Speaker 2: emotion need grievance as well. I failed you. That's a
12:18
Speaker 2: defectiveness wound. Yeah, what does the audience say? What do
12:21
Speaker 2: the comments say?
12:23
Speaker 1: If you married, this will be your life on repeat
12:25
Speaker 1: until you don't. Okay, I strongly encourage you to learn
12:29
Speaker 1: more about yourself, your attachment, and how to find someone
12:31
Speaker 1: who isn't like this man. I mean, she goes on.
12:35
Speaker 1: I can't express my feelings or concerns without it. Being
12:37
Speaker 1: a complaint. He's so defensive at this point that he's
12:40
Speaker 1: saying that he doesn't know if he can overcome the
12:42
Speaker 1: resentments and defensiveness because he never feels like he does
12:45
Speaker 1: anything right. Yeah, okay, that's DA. Even when he has
12:49
Speaker 1: clearly said or done something hurtful, he will say, I
12:52
Speaker 1: wasn't trying to be mean. This is a man who
12:54
Speaker 1: was so in love with me. He would do anything
12:57
Speaker 1: for me. I never felt so loved and cared for.
12:59
Speaker 1: But as soon as we got engaged, it all went south.
13:02
Speaker 2: Likes, it's so interesting that there are so many landmarks
13:10
Speaker 2: milestones that different das hit and then that's that's the
13:14
Speaker 2: one yep. So for I would say the vast majority
13:18
Speaker 2: of das, it's like the four to six month mark
13:20
Speaker 2: in relationships, but some can hang in there until it's
13:23
Speaker 2: moving in together or engagement or even marriage becomes the
13:26
Speaker 2: turning point. It's like, what is the level of commitment
13:29
Speaker 2: that's going to send you off the cliff if you're
13:31
Speaker 2: a DA vast majority four to six months since the relationship,
13:35
Speaker 2: But we have the outliers that can make it all
13:37
Speaker 2: the way to moving in or engage, marriage, marriage, and
13:40
Speaker 2: that's the scariest one.
13:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, the marriage is very scary.
13:44
Speaker 2: The clients that come to me and say everything was
13:46
Speaker 2: great until literally the day after we got married, I'm like, oof.
13:50
Speaker 1: Yep, I've heard those sor stories with my own friends,
13:55
Speaker 1: you know that have had those circumstances, and that is
13:57
Speaker 1: that it's like your biggest fear. Yes, like it all
14:00
Speaker 1: falls apart right after you marry them, or they come
14:04
Speaker 1: to you and be like, well, I've actually been cheating
14:06
Speaker 1: on you the whole time. Anyway, I hope that does
14:09
Speaker 1: not happen to you. I pray that does not happen
14:11
Speaker 1: to you. But that has always been somewhat of my nightmare.
14:15
Speaker 1: This one's good because it has to do with parenting.
14:18
Speaker 1: Doctor Sara Hinsley. I have three daughters. I have about
14:21
Speaker 1: six years until my oldest begins dating. What are the
14:24
Speaker 1: best strategies for identifying identifying insecure attachments in them?
14:28
Speaker 2: Making sure their attachment secure so their own nervous system
14:31
Speaker 2: can be a healthy.
14:32
Speaker 1: Guy, giving them emotional attonement.
14:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, giving them emotional attonment, being consistent, setting boundaries with them,
14:39
Speaker 2: consistently doing all the secure parenting things, because the way
14:43
Speaker 2: you parent them is going to translate into what they
14:45
Speaker 2: see as intimacy should be yep. And I just think
14:50
Speaker 2: of Gabby. I'm so proud of her. My gosh, she's
14:54
Speaker 2: so amazing. And she's data two guys before this guy
15:03
Speaker 2: that she's with right now, and both of them turned
15:06
Speaker 2: out to be major jerks, and man, she just when
15:10
Speaker 2: their true colors came through, she was like, bye, good Sayannara,
15:16
Speaker 2: I'm way better than that. Absolutely not no, thank you.
15:20
Speaker 2: And she was sad, appropriately sad, but moved through it.
15:24
Speaker 2: And now her boyfriend and her now they're just so secure. Good,
15:27
Speaker 2: they're so freaking secure. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh,
15:30
Speaker 2: my daughter is in a healthy relationship. She's in a
15:33
Speaker 2: healthy relationship. Yeah, it's just we love him. He's like
15:36
Speaker 2: part of the family now. And my goodness, I just
15:40
Speaker 2: watched them like work through things and I watch them
15:43
Speaker 2: just interact, and I'm like, oh, this is healthy. This
15:46
Speaker 2: is good. Yeah, this is so good.
15:48
Speaker 1: And you said they're still hanging out with their friends.
15:50
Speaker 2: She's still hanging out with their friends. They're not like
15:52
Speaker 2: overly obsessed with each other. You know, if they have
15:55
Speaker 2: a disagreement, they just talk through it. They do really
15:59
Speaker 2: meaningful things together.
16:01
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, and I think, you know, I'll tell
16:04
Speaker 1: you this, it's never too late. And if your youngest
16:08
Speaker 1: is six years from dating, that tells me, you know,
16:10
Speaker 1: she's you've got time, and it's just never too late
16:14
Speaker 1: to like if emotional attunement is not something that you
16:18
Speaker 1: have a lot of knowledge around, because I know, like
16:21
Speaker 1: those are things I never even thought about when JP
16:24
Speaker 1: was little, But now that I'm more aware and I
16:27
Speaker 1: know more about those things, like I can look back
16:29
Speaker 1: and be like, gosh, I totally neglected him in so
16:32
Speaker 1: many ways. And but you know, he's he'll be twenty
16:35
Speaker 1: this year, and I'm still trying deeply to just have
16:39
Speaker 1: really honest conversations with him. You know, one that I
16:43
Speaker 1: made sure that I had with him the other night
16:45
Speaker 1: because it's so imperative that we have these conversations with
16:48
Speaker 1: young men, especially in young women. But my sister, her
16:52
Speaker 1: son had an experience with one of his friends, you know,
16:55
Speaker 1: fifteen years old, trying to commit suicide, and so you know,
16:59
Speaker 1: I went down he came home from school. It was
17:01
Speaker 1: finals week, and I just made sure that, like, I
17:03
Speaker 1: went down there and we just had him and Jess
17:05
Speaker 1: and I had this deep discussion about suicide and you know,
17:09
Speaker 1: and I just got really curious and I was asking them, like,
17:12
Speaker 1: you know, why do y'all think this is happening, Why
17:14
Speaker 1: why do y'all think this is more prevalent amongst you know,
17:17
Speaker 1: like these younger generations, and why it's growing, And like
17:19
Speaker 1: I just got them to get really curious. So because
17:22
Speaker 1: it's because it's growing, and it's scary and scary, and
17:26
Speaker 1: it's it's the most it's just one of the most
17:28
Speaker 1: devastating things that I can think of. You know, it
17:31
Speaker 1: devastated me when Rachel sent the text and it was
17:34
Speaker 1: the day of my friend's mom's funeral, and I was
17:36
Speaker 1: already so emotional, and I'm just like, how can a
17:39
Speaker 1: fifteen year old want to kill themselves? Like how? And
17:42
Speaker 1: you know they attempted it, but yeah, yeah, I mean
17:46
Speaker 1: he was like he was on event and everything. I mean,
17:49
Speaker 1: he just tried to take a bunch of pills basically,
17:51
Speaker 1: and so you know, I just I just I think
17:54
Speaker 1: that you just have to have really And it wasn't
17:57
Speaker 1: like you think they wanted to talk about that, No,
18:00
Speaker 1: they wanted to watch The Hobbit. But I was like,
18:02
Speaker 1: I have to have this conversation I have to have
18:04
Speaker 1: this conversation right now because I can't. JP tends to specifically,
18:09
Speaker 1: you know, hold things in, and I just want him
18:11
Speaker 1: to know, like, you don't have to. You don't have
18:14
Speaker 1: to hold these things in. And I have always told
18:17
Speaker 1: him this his whole life. You know, stoicism is not
18:21
Speaker 1: true masculinity, and you don't have to hold it all together.
18:26
Speaker 1: You're allowed to fall apart. You are absolutely allowed to
18:29
Speaker 1: fall apart. And if it's not me that you come to,
18:32
Speaker 1: just know that you have so many people that you
18:34
Speaker 1: can go to.
18:36
Speaker 2: This podcast is partially brought to you by the Verified App,
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19:32
Speaker 1: Today, we'll probably do a couple more guys, and then
19:35
Speaker 1: we'll wrap up. Okay, where to begin. I've been diagnosed
19:39
Speaker 1: with breast cancer in the past month, and my husband, Oh,
19:41
Speaker 1: you already answered this one.
19:43
Speaker 2: I do remember that one because I specifically saw it
19:46
Speaker 2: come across my feed and I was like, I think
19:47
Speaker 2: I even answered for my personal account because it was
19:49
Speaker 2: so yeah, so sad that I was like, I don't
19:52
Speaker 2: want to miss this one. Yeah, so skip that long started.
19:54
Speaker 2: Do you know that one?
19:55
Speaker 1: Yeah? Okay. So I'm listening to chapter two of the
19:58
Speaker 1: course and just have to be honest and would like
19:59
Speaker 1: some feedback to help me sort through this. The exercise
20:01
Speaker 1: we are given in modules seven honestly feels like I'm
20:03
Speaker 1: trying to gaslight myself. I have a hard time figuring
20:06
Speaker 1: out if something passes the truth test, especially about things
20:09
Speaker 1: to do with my partner. It's impossible to truly know
20:12
Speaker 1: if my fear anxiety is founded in reality or not.
20:16
Speaker 1: Is it productive? Question mark? I just don't know if
20:18
Speaker 1: it's keeping me safe, even if it disrupts my nervous system.
20:22
Speaker 2: Then what How is your anxiety ever keeping you safe?
20:25
Speaker 2: How does worrying about something ever keep you safe? Yeah,
20:29
Speaker 2: it doesn't outside of productive precautions in life. How does
20:36
Speaker 2: ruminating over something to the point of anxiety ever make
20:41
Speaker 2: your life better or prevent something bad from happening? It doesn't.
20:45
Speaker 2: So it doesn't pass the productivity test.
20:46
Speaker 1: It just doesn't. It doesn't pass that standard test of
20:49
Speaker 1: like it's one hundred percent true.
20:51
Speaker 2: No. And here's the thing. This is why the faith
20:54
Speaker 2: based version, specifically for me, when I was learning these tools,
20:58
Speaker 2: was so profound because my identity he was so externalized. Well,
21:02
Speaker 2: you know, who am I to them? Who am I
21:04
Speaker 2: to the you know, to the guy that I supposedly
21:08
Speaker 2: love that I didn't know who I was stabilized internally,
21:13
Speaker 2: it was hard to know what was true. Am I
21:15
Speaker 2: not good enough? Well, they're not loving me, so I
21:17
Speaker 2: guess I'm not. That's externalized identity. That's a self concept
21:22
Speaker 2: at least partially built upon shame.
21:24
Speaker 1: And how is it serving you serving it?
21:29
Speaker 2: And so when people come to me and they ask
21:32
Speaker 2: me this question, I inevitably always get this question in
21:35
Speaker 2: group all the time when we do chapter two. And
21:40
Speaker 2: what I say is you have to be able to
21:44
Speaker 2: work with the evidence that you have in front of you,
21:47
Speaker 2: like what is the evidence? And something can be true,
21:51
Speaker 2: but you're catastrophizing it to make it not true. So,
21:56
Speaker 2: for example, my husband could come in here and say
21:59
Speaker 2: something and I hear it as passive aggressive. We could
22:04
Speaker 2: debate all day long whether what he said was actually
22:07
Speaker 2: passive aggressive or I'm just hearing it that way right,
22:11
Speaker 2: And he's like, no, I'm being literal. I meant blah
22:13
Speaker 2: blah blah, but I'm thinking he said it like no, no, no,
22:16
Speaker 2: you know whatever. We could debate all day about that.
22:21
Speaker 2: Is it true he said something I didn't like? Yes,
22:25
Speaker 2: But I could also tell myself the catastrophised version that
22:28
Speaker 2: he's such a jerk and I can't believe I married
22:30
Speaker 2: him because of that moment. How's my nervous system going
22:34
Speaker 2: to respond to that? Okay, well, I either have to
22:36
Speaker 2: stay married to a jerk or get a divorce. That's
22:39
Speaker 2: literally the analysis my nervous system is doing based on
22:43
Speaker 2: that thought of, Oh, he's such a jerk. I can't
22:46
Speaker 2: believe he just said that. So then my nervous system
22:48
Speaker 2: goes nine one one. You have to stay married to
22:49
Speaker 2: a jerk or get a divorce. So of course I'm
22:52
Speaker 2: going to go into fight or flight. Of course, I'm
22:54
Speaker 2: not going to see the situation clearly. I'm not going
22:56
Speaker 2: to be able to have a curious conversation. I'm going
22:58
Speaker 2: to go right into the assumption that he meant to
23:00
Speaker 2: hurt me and start a fight.
23:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I find that so interesting. I mean, it
23:04
Speaker 1: makes sense why you would think that, Like, you're essentially
23:07
Speaker 1: like gaslighting yourself into like this other way of thinking.
23:11
Speaker 2: But you're not.
23:12
Speaker 1: But that way of thinking is going to serve me. Souch.
23:16
Speaker 2: But it's still true. Did he say something that I
23:18
Speaker 2: didn't like or that didn't feel good to me?
23:20
Speaker 1: Right?
23:20
Speaker 2: That is actually the truth that I can get on
23:22
Speaker 2: board with.
23:24
Speaker 1: A jerk.
23:25
Speaker 2: He's a jerk and he's a terrible person, and maybe
23:27
Speaker 2: I shouldn't have married him and all of that. That's
23:29
Speaker 2: where we start to go wrong because when we're objective,
23:32
Speaker 2: he said, something I didn't like. Well, then that requires
23:34
Speaker 2: some kind of remedy or action, having a curious conversation
23:38
Speaker 2: or is this time to set a boundary? Then you
23:40
Speaker 2: can start behaving securely when you have the right information.
23:44
Speaker 2: But when you don't have the right information, AKA, there's
23:46
Speaker 2: such a jerk, they don't love me, blah blah blah,
23:48
Speaker 2: then you're going to react from a threat response, from
23:51
Speaker 2: your trauma responses. You're not going to act in curiosity
23:54
Speaker 2: and openness and productive discussion. You're going to act from
23:58
Speaker 2: a place of reacting. So that is why the metacognitive
24:02
Speaker 2: tool is so important. And this is why I totally
24:05
Speaker 2: recommend the hybrid group because if you're just watching the course,
24:09
Speaker 2: you don't get to challenge me by saying, here's what
24:14
Speaker 2: I'm thinking and I don't know if this is true,
24:16
Speaker 2: because I can answer that in real time. I can
24:18
Speaker 2: take your thought and shape it into something more truthful
24:21
Speaker 2: in real time when you're in my group versus example,
24:24
Speaker 2: if you're just doing the self paced program, because that's
24:26
Speaker 2: a limitation.
24:27
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, well, and you often say that like that's
24:30
Speaker 1: the biggest difference is like, well, and we've talked about
24:33
Speaker 1: this is really the facilitation the facility. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
24:36
Speaker 1: it's the biggest difference. Okay, we'll wrap up here. Why
24:40
Speaker 1: do I want a divorce? I was doing my somatic
24:43
Speaker 1: work this morning, and about eight minutes into it, I
24:45
Speaker 1: had a panic feeling and had to change my breaths
24:48
Speaker 1: for a minute. Then I continued and I settled down
24:50
Speaker 1: and felt a quiet calm come over me. I finished
24:53
Speaker 1: my twenty minutes and begin to think about the question
24:55
Speaker 1: my spouse of forty four years sent me. We worked
24:59
Speaker 1: on divorce papers all last week, and yesterday she sent
25:01
Speaker 1: an email asking why I want a divorce. My first
25:04
Speaker 1: response was that I can't do this anymore. We live
25:07
Speaker 1: apart and we fight more often than we get along.
25:09
Speaker 1: I'm a da and it takes me a day or
25:11
Speaker 1: two to recover emotionally after arguing with her. I'm a
25:16
Speaker 1: disregulated miss most of the time. It's not that I
25:19
Speaker 1: want the divorce, but I can't heal while in this
25:21
Speaker 1: cycle of disregulation. I'm going to stay on track with
25:23
Speaker 1: my healing journey and not let the divorce stop me.
25:26
Speaker 1: It's helpful to share my thoughts with the group. Thanks
25:28
Speaker 1: for listening. I wish you peace.
25:30
Speaker 2: Yes, so I know who this person is. I know
25:34
Speaker 2: their story. They're a beautiful member of our legacy community.
25:39
Speaker 2: And this guy's comes so far in his DA healing
25:42
Speaker 2: and I know that because he just said it in
25:44
Speaker 2: the post. I dropped down into this anxiety feeling. He's unfreezing.
25:50
Speaker 2: He's coming down from freeze and into fight or flight
25:53
Speaker 2: and connecting brain to body, which das have never been
25:56
Speaker 2: able to do their whole life. They've stayed suppressed and associated.
25:59
Speaker 2: So that is a major healing milestone for any DA
26:03
Speaker 2: to get to the point where they have to feel
26:04
Speaker 2: their emotions. And then he did what he was supposed
26:06
Speaker 2: to do, which was appropriately change the cadence of the
26:10
Speaker 2: safety signal. So he's doing exactly what I taught him
26:13
Speaker 2: to do. And actually deciding on the divorce is huge
26:19
Speaker 2: for this person because they've been in the DA freeze.
26:25
Speaker 2: I can't do anything. I don't really want to fail,
26:28
Speaker 2: and so I'm just going to live apart from you,
26:30
Speaker 2: but like not really take any action. And he finally
26:33
Speaker 2: came to the decision that it was time, and so
26:36
Speaker 2: these are huge healing milestones for a DA. I'm so
26:39
Speaker 2: proud of this person. If they listen, just know, I
26:42
Speaker 2: know who you are. I'm so glad you're with us,
26:44
Speaker 2: still in the legacy program. And yeah, just the change
26:49
Speaker 2: from where this person started to where they are now
26:52
Speaker 2: is enormous and I'm so proud of him.
26:53
Speaker 1: Yeah.
26:54
Speaker 2: So I will say, why does he want a divorce?
26:56
Speaker 2: Because he's right because he realizes that he is out
26:59
Speaker 2: growing his wife. His wife has not done this healing
27:01
Speaker 2: work and she is chronically I mean from his perspective,
27:06
Speaker 2: you know, just knowing some of the topics of the
27:13
Speaker 2: arguments and whatnot. Has he's out heealed her?
27:17
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, it happens.
27:18
Speaker 2: He's outgrown her.
27:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, that happens a lot.
27:20
Speaker 2: And he's recognizing that some of the FA strategies of protests,
27:25
Speaker 2: a manipulation, of over criticizing, of being extremely dysregulated during
27:29
Speaker 2: discussions are not is not something that not from a
27:32
Speaker 2: DA perspective like, oh I can't do this, but from
27:35
Speaker 2: a true more regulated perspective, I still can't get you
27:40
Speaker 2: to be regulated. Even though I'm coming in kind of regulated,
27:44
Speaker 2: you aren't matching me on that, and so I've outgrown it.
27:46
Speaker 3: I love this story because I think it's so DA's
27:49
Speaker 3: get such a bad rap. Oh man, they get villainized,
27:51
Speaker 3: so and it's proof that you know they can heal,
27:54
Speaker 3: true healing can take place, and then you know not
27:57
Speaker 3: to villainize fas.
27:59
Speaker 1: We're not villainizing any one here, but like that, sometimes
28:02
Speaker 1: das can even out heal fas who you should have
28:06
Speaker 1: high eqs.
28:07
Speaker 2: I hate they have high eqs, but they can't access
28:11
Speaker 2: it when they're triggered. So there they can go back
28:15
Speaker 2: and think about it and realize it for sure. Yeah,
28:19
Speaker 2: but just because someone has an high EQ in terms
28:23
Speaker 2: of understanding emotions doesn't mean that when they feel triggered
28:27
Speaker 2: that they can respond instead of reacting to their trauma responses.
28:32
Speaker 1: So yeah, I love this story too, and I love
28:34
Speaker 1: ending here because it's true proof of DOCS program and
28:40
Speaker 1: how effective it is. You know, So if you think
28:45
Speaker 1: those things like I want a divorce or it's time
28:48
Speaker 1: for a divorce and you're not sure, you're just questioning
28:50
Speaker 1: all the things, or maybe you've gone through a painful breakup,
28:53
Speaker 1: or maybe you're just on a healing journey journey in general,
28:56
Speaker 1: you know, I think DOCS Practice is a great place
28:58
Speaker 1: to start. Listening to this Yeah, and listening to this
29:01
Speaker 1: podcast is a wonderful place to start. You know obviously,
29:04
Speaker 1: please download it.
29:05
Speaker 2: It helps, download it and share it with a friend.
29:07
Speaker 1: Yes, it helps us tremendously. Please continue to write in, guys,
29:11
Speaker 1: ask all your questions. We're not As we move into
29:13
Speaker 1: season three, we will continue, you know, doing the Q
29:17
Speaker 1: and eight episodes, hopefully eventually having actual call ins. Like
29:20
Speaker 1: I said, but you can write to me personally if
29:23
Speaker 1: you want to hear about a specific topic. We just
29:26
Speaker 1: did an episode on trauma a couple episodes ago because
29:29
Speaker 1: somebody wrote in to me and asked me for that,
29:31
Speaker 1: and so I brought that to Doc's attention and we
29:33
Speaker 1: did it. So we actually follow through on what we
29:36
Speaker 1: are going to we say we are going to do.
29:38
Speaker 1: So just continue to listen, like, subscribe, leave us a comment, download,
29:44
Speaker 1: and until next time, peace, love and perspective.