Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #154 Where's The Village?

Transcript

#154 Where's The Village? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: I think about how broad my talents and skills have
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  Speaker 1: developed over the years because I've been open to try
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  Speaker 1: new things.
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  Speaker 2: It's a Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent, he guess, wants answers Now.
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  Speaker 3: Hello. My name's doctor Justin Colson.
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  Speaker 2: I'm the author of six books about raising happy families,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm here with my wife and my podcast co host,
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  Speaker 2: missus Happy Families, Kylie and Kylie. Today, I want to
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  Speaker 2: talk about something that we've kind of gone backwards and
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  Speaker 2: forwards about a little bit in preparation for our.
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  Speaker 3: Podcast and our planning.
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  Speaker 2: But it was a really tough one to kind of
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  Speaker 2: figure out where to go with it, and we kind
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  Speaker 2: of still have some questions about it. So I'm really
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  Speaker 2: curious to see how a conversation goes on this topic.
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  Speaker 2: Received an email from somebody via podcasts at Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: dot com dot au. That's podcasts with an s podcasts
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  Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com dot you and I'm not
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  Speaker 2: going to read the holly email. It was just too long,
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  Speaker 2: but essentially this is what it said. We've moved recently
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  Speaker 2: last six months or so. Transition for the kids has
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  Speaker 2: been really tough and there were a whole lot of
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  Speaker 2: reasons that it's been tough and the kids are struggling
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  Speaker 2: to make friends, and I thought, well, that's okay, that's
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  Speaker 2: what the podcast will be about. But then this mum said,
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  Speaker 2: but I'm struggling. What about the parents. Where's the village
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  Speaker 2: for us? And I got this sense of loneliness and isolation,
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  Speaker 2: and I thought, well, we've moved a lot of times
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  Speaker 2: over the years. We've moved everywhere, from being in New
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  Speaker 2: South Wales heading up to central Queensland. We've been down
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  Speaker 2: into Wollongong, We've been in Victoria, ended up in Newcastle,
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  Speaker 2: back to Brisbane. We've been all over the place. And
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  Speaker 2: one thing that you do incredibly well is you build
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  Speaker 2: a village. You're amazing at making friends and you proved
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  Speaker 2: it just recently with something that happened just the other morning.
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  Speaker 1: We've started this tradition of writing to school with the kids.
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  Speaker 3: We talk about it in every podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: We went for another bike ride with my kids to
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  Speaker 3: it from school.
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  Speaker 1: And little miss Emily, she's got so much enthusiasm, but
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  Speaker 1: as she's going down hills, she gets a little bit
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  Speaker 1: scared if she sees someone at the other end of
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  Speaker 1: the hill. And so she's screaming before she's even reached.
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  Speaker 2: For about two hundred meters away, they can't hear, and
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  Speaker 2: she's saying, look.
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  Speaker 1: And so there is a couple that I have watched
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  Speaker 1: for the best part of this year and they walk
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  Speaker 1: their son and dog to school every day.
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  Speaker 2: Well they walk with the dog as they take this
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  Speaker 2: under school because I'm sorry, and I've.
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  Speaker 1: Just loved watching, you know, the way they interact with
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  Speaker 1: each other. The husband and wife are holding hands and
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  Speaker 1: the son. You know, I was walking along this just this,
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  Speaker 1: there's just it's peaceful.
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  Speaker 3: They're pretty serene together.
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  Speaker 1: It's peaceful watching them. And to be honest, it has
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  Speaker 1: actually been the inspiration behind once we moved to that
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  Speaker 1: school and recognized just how close it was that we
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  Speaker 1: would do something similar. The kids didn't want to walk,
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  Speaker 1: they wanted to ride, and so that's kind of how
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  Speaker 1: it's all started. And so the other day Emily almost
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  Speaker 1: run them off the road and again again, and you know,
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  Speaker 1: I kind of as I rode past with them on
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  Speaker 1: the way to school and said, you know, thanks, we're
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  Speaker 1: so sorry, kind of thing. But it was on the
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  Speaker 1: way back I kind of as I went to ride past,
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  Speaker 1: I said you know what, I just want to stop
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  Speaker 1: and say thank you. And so I kind of stopped
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  Speaker 1: up next to them, and they kind of looked at
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  Speaker 1: me a little bit weary, like he was this crazy
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  Speaker 1: woman and what was she about to say?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: And I said, you know, guys, I just wanted to
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  Speaker 1: let you know that I've watched you walk to and
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  Speaker 1: from school for some time now. And you know, our
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  Speaker 1: kids have only just moved to this school a few
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  Speaker 1: weeks ago, but it's your example that has actually been
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  Speaker 1: the motivation for our family doing what we're doing now
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  Speaker 1: riding to school. You should have seen the look on
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  Speaker 1: their faces. They're kind of their eyes lit up, and
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  Speaker 1: they just this massive smile of wow, you know, thanks
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  Speaker 1: for taking the time to let me know. And and
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  Speaker 1: so we just waved off. And now I've noticed every
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  Speaker 1: day as we ride past each other, there's just this
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  Speaker 1: beautiful recognition and warmth that exudes from both of them
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  Speaker 1: as they kind of acknowledge me on my travels.
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  Speaker 3: That's kind of my point.
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  Speaker 2: You're good at building a village, you know how to
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  Speaker 2: kind of reach out. But it was surprising for them
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  Speaker 2: because people don't do that.
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  Speaker 3: Right. So, I'm thinking about this mum, and.
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  Speaker 2: I'm trying to work out what do you say to
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  Speaker 2: a grown up? I mean, all the time we're talking
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  Speaker 2: about how kids can make friends, and we can probably
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  Speaker 2: talk about that a little bit as well, But what
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  Speaker 2: do you say to a grown up a mum who's
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  Speaker 2: feeling isolated, who, in her email proved that, you know,
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  Speaker 2: in previous places that she'd lived, she had really great community,
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  Speaker 2: really great sense of village and relationships, and now feels
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  Speaker 2: disconnected so alone.
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  Speaker 1: So I was doing account. You know, we've done twelve
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  Speaker 1: solid moves in our time together as husband and wife,
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  Speaker 1: and eight of those moves were into state moves. There
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  Speaker 1: were big moves well, and in the early years it
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  Speaker 1: was actually really adventurous. I was so excited to kind
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  Speaker 1: of see Australia and explore new places with you and
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  Speaker 1: our young family. And it wasn't until our children got
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  Speaker 1: older that it became a little bit more hard because
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  Speaker 1: I was then watching them struggle with the transition. And
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  Speaker 1: you know, as I think about the experiences that this
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  Speaker 1: particular family are having, and I'm sure they're not the
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  Speaker 1: only ones out there, I really resonate with it. It's
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  Speaker 1: in so many ways it can feel so lonely to
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  Speaker 1: be in this new space and not know who to
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  Speaker 1: reach out to and not feel like anyone's got your back.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it's so nice to know that you can
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  Speaker 1: just knock on your neighbor's door and ask for an
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  Speaker 1: egg if you're in the middle of cooking a cake,
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  Speaker 1: for instance, which has happened numerous times in our home,
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  Speaker 1: and realized that somebody ate the eggs in the morning.
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  Speaker 1: They're just such a simple thing and yet it just
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  Speaker 1: makes you feel like you have a sense of community
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  Speaker 1: when you can do that.
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  Speaker 3: So where do you go with that?
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  Speaker 2: Well, let's talk more about that in just a sec
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  Speaker 2: We're going to talk about how we can build relationships
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  Speaker 2: and friendships for the family and especially for an isolated mum.
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  Speaker 2: And just to tick, it's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens
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  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
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  Speaker 4: Bye today at happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: The podcast for the time poor parent who just wants
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  Speaker 2: answers now, And this time we're trying to actually help
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  Speaker 2: out a parent with not so much a parenting issue,
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  Speaker 2: but just a feeling isolated and lonely kind of an issue.
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  Speaker 2: Somebody who's previously had great friendships in the places she's
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  Speaker 2: lived but has emailed and said, my kids are struggling
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  Speaker 2: a little bit, but I'm actually the one struggling with
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  Speaker 2: the village thing myself. And you know, I was thinking
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  Speaker 2: about this and I thought, one thing that you've always
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  Speaker 2: done really well is you've taken advantage of any relationships
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  Speaker 2: that our children have with other people's kids and sort
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  Speaker 2: of leveraged into relationships with people that way. So if
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  Speaker 2: one of our children has a friend, you'll contact the
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  Speaker 2: parents and say, hey, wondered.
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  Speaker 3: If you wanted to have a meet up at the park.
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  Speaker 3: You don't even bring them to our house.
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  Speaker 2: It's neutral territory, but it's just let's start to build
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  Speaker 2: that relationship really slowly. Or you have a little birthday
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  Speaker 2: party and say parents are invited to this is a
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  Speaker 2: I mean, we've got girls, so this is a mums
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  Speaker 2: and daughter's party. And you've done a couple of those
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  Speaker 2: parties where mums have come with their daughters and they've
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  Speaker 2: been involved in a sort of a pampered thing together.
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  Speaker 2: Or done somewhat of some sort of an activity, and
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  Speaker 2: those kinds of things have really helped you to develop
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  Speaker 2: some relationships that have in some cases been really long
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  Speaker 2: lasting become quite deep.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I think a couple of things stands
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  Speaker 1: out there as you were talking. You know, I think
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  Speaker 1: it's really important that we're open to new relationships in
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  Speaker 1: unexpected places. You know, we kind of, I think, sometimes
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  Speaker 1: get caught up in I'm this kind of person, and
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  Speaker 1: so therefore I'll be friends with that kind of person.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that we kind of can sometimes you know,
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  Speaker 1: stop ourselves from being open to new experiences. And you know,
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  Speaker 1: when I look at the different experience, say, is that
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  Speaker 1: I've had over the years because I've been open to
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  Speaker 1: finding people who are like minded, I think that's really important.
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  Speaker 1: But you know, if I'm a cross stitcher type of
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  Speaker 1: person who likes to, you know, do that kind of handiwork,
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  Speaker 1: but I meet up with someone who likes to use
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  Speaker 1: a sewing machine, being open to kind of you know,
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  Speaker 1: venturing out. And I think about how broad my talents
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  Speaker 1: and skills have developed over the years because I've been
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  Speaker 1: open to trying new things.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've seen you do that there was somebody who's
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  Speaker 2: into quilting, and you became friends with the quilter. You'd
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  Speaker 2: never quilted, but all of a sudden you were quilt crazy.
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  Speaker 2: The other thing that really strikes me is it's hard,
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  Speaker 2: right Like a lot of parents are dropping the kids
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  Speaker 2: off at after school, our's care, picking them up before
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  Speaker 2: and you know, late or early or whatever it might be,
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  Speaker 2: and it's just hard to find the time to actually
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  Speaker 2: meet people. Parents are dropping the kids off in the
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  Speaker 2: car and picking them up in the car. They're not
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  Speaker 2: getting out and having conversations and that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: But again, something that we've really encouraged the kids to
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  Speaker 2: do is get phone numbers of their friends' parents and
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  Speaker 2: make those meetings happen one.
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  Speaker 3: Way or another.
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  Speaker 2: Invite somebody over, go to the park, meet up at
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  Speaker 2: a school thing. Just making those things happen can really help.
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  Speaker 1: I did something a little bit crazy on one of
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  Speaker 1: our moves. Our kids were really really struggling to kind
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  Speaker 1: of make connections, and so I actually wrote a little
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  Speaker 1: letter and I got the teachers to hand it out
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  Speaker 1: to the students that my children felt an affiliation towards,
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  Speaker 1: and I just kind of let them know that you know.
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  Speaker 3: My name's Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: We've moved into the area. My children are really struggling,
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  Speaker 1: and they love spending time with your child at school.
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  Speaker 1: I would love it if we could organize a plate
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  Speaker 1: out at the park. And I didn't get a huge
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  Speaker 1: response from that, but the few mums that actually did
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  Speaker 1: contact me became such a lifeline to my children and
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  Speaker 1: to me as we started to develop relationships in that
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  Speaker 1: new space.
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  Speaker 2: What I love about that is the vulnerability. And I
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  Speaker 2: remember when you did that. We were devastated because we
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  Speaker 2: only had a handful of replies.
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  Speaker 3: We put out a lot of letters and we were like, man,
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  Speaker 3: here we are. We're actually opening ourselves up and saying
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  Speaker 3: we're lonely. We've only just moved in. Our kids need friends.
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  Speaker 3: We wouldn't mind some friends too, would you be willing
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  Speaker 3: to get in touch?
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  Speaker 2: But I guess it just highlighted how a lot of
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  Speaker 2: people probably had the best of intentions, but they're like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I'm so busy. We're working full time, we don't have
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  Speaker 2: time in the afternoons. Our weekends are caught up with
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  Speaker 2: sport and with shopping and with getting the house.
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  Speaker 3: In order for next week's crazy.
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  Speaker 2: But like you said, those couple of parents that did respond,
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  Speaker 2: we actually made great friendships with them.
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  Speaker 1: We did, and I'm still in contact with a few
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  Speaker 1: of them, you know, in spite of the fact that
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  Speaker 1: we're not in that same community anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we hope that these ideas help the anonymous person
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  Speaker 2: who got in touch and said.
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  Speaker 3: We really need help.
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  Speaker 2: We've been there, we understand, and hopefully those ideas don't
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  Speaker 2: just build better relationships for grown ups, but also they
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  Speaker 2: build better relationships for the kids as well. If you've
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  Speaker 2: enjoyed the podcast, as always, we invite you to jump
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: onto Apple Podcasts and leave a rating and reviews.
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: So that people can find the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's those ratings and reviews that make all the difference
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  Speaker 2: in moving the Happy Families podcast up the podcast rankings.
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  Speaker 2: A very big thank you to Justin Rulan and Craig Bruce,
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  Speaker 2: our executive producer, for making the podcast sound great. If
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  Speaker 2: you'd like more info on how we can help your
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  Speaker 2: family be happier, all you need to do is go
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: to Happy Families dot com dot au or check out
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families