Latest / Women of Color An Intimate Conversation / Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism: Grief, High-Functioning Binge Drinking & Life Beyond the Binge

Transcript

Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism: Grief, High-Functioning Binge Drinking & Life Beyond the Binge · Women of Color An Intimate Conversation

0:02
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Women
0:05
of Color, an Intimate Conversation. We are
0:09
excited for today's guest, and there's something
0:13
interesting going on with her. So we'll kind
0:15
of chat about that in a moment. But today's
0:19
conversation really is about resilience,
0:22
grief, and the hidden patterns we use to
0:26
survive. So our guest is Colleen Clifford.
0:29
She is an author, speaker, coach, And commercial
0:33
fisher woman and I had responded to her email
0:37
and she got back with me saying hey I just
0:39
came back from you know off the waters and
0:41
whatever and I'm like well what is that about
0:43
so that's the interesting thing that I'm
0:45
mentioning so a little bit more. As a former
0:50
binge drinker and suicide survivor, she explores
0:53
the intersection of grief, high stress environments,
0:57
and the quiet ways we can deny ourselves.
1:01
After losing her husband to alcohol-related
1:03
suicide and confronting her own relationship
1:06
with binge drinking, she began asking deeper
1:09
questions about healing, coping, and what
1:13
it really means to find steady ground. Her
1:16
forthcoming book is Life Beyond the Bench.
1:19
Colleen, welcome.
1:21
Thank you, Deneen. So great to meet you.
1:23
I'm so honored to have this opportunity.
1:25
So thank you.
1:26
You're absolutely welcome. So before we get
1:30
into really what we're here to talk about,
1:32
tell us just a little bit about this Fisherwoman
1:35
thing. I love that.
1:37
Um, it's very unique occupation and it is
1:40
available for women who might, you know,
1:42
want a different job. I've had a different
1:45
life. I've been doing it 36 years, but I
1:47
fell into it because I was a college dropout
1:49
due to drinking, which at the time I didn't
1:52
do together. And my friend was fishing and
1:55
she said, Hey, call, you want a job? And
1:57
this was back in 1988, which, you know, told
2:02
you my age a bit, but yeah, so I just thought
2:05
I'm an adventurous girl and I was like, I'm
2:08
in and here I am. Almost ready to retire
2:11
from fishing actually. I only have two more
2:13
years.
2:14
Well, how long were you out? Like you said,
2:16
oh, I've been gone for a while. So how long
2:18
were you gone? And how long are you typically
2:20
gone?
2:21
Yeah, so I'm towards the end of my career,
2:23
so they're still fishing. So our A season,
2:26
we call it, is our winter season and it begins
2:29
in January. So we take off from, I'm in Seattle,
2:32
Washington, we take off from the dock on
2:34
around the 10th or 11th, and they will fish
2:37
until the end of March. My contract this
2:40
time, because like I said, I'm phasing out,
2:42
I only worked a month. So I flew home, they're
2:45
still fishing. The next season starts in
2:48
May, and people who are working the entire
2:51
thing like I did when I was younger, they'll
2:53
work May 15th, probably into October 15th.
2:58
And so they don't get off the boat. So my
3:02
schedule will be shorter. I think I'm working
3:04
two months out of that this year. But I used
3:07
to work the whole thing. And I've estimated
3:10
I've probably spent over 20 years, and that's
3:13
probably underestimating, of living inside
3:16
a boat my entire adult life. Yeah, it's a
3:19
long time.
3:20
Go ahead, sorry.
3:22
I said they're doing it too, my crew members.
3:27
Well, what I love about this is I've never
3:29
talked to any Fisherman, let alone Fisherwoman.
3:34
So I love that you're bringing that perspective
3:36
to this conversation. And it's something
3:39
for those who are listening or watching to
3:43
think about. You mentioned as far as a career.
3:45
You even talked about when you started, around
3:49
the time you were starting college. And so
3:52
that really falls into the age group that
3:54
one of my endeavors focuses on. So I have
3:58
built a community for Black women 50 and
4:01
up, women who are ready to live their dream
4:04
lives, whatever that may be, and some of
4:06
them are looking for their next act. And
4:08
so, who knows, becoming a Fisherwoman could
4:11
be that.
4:12
Right. Or for your kid or your niece or your
4:15
nephew. If anyone's interested, please reach
4:18
out. I mean, no strings attached. And I have
4:20
my connections. I've been doing it for years.
4:22
So it's sometimes we have all different nationalities.
4:25
It's very international crew. It's a ship.
4:28
It's very as comfortable as boats go. It's
4:32
one of the top boats to be on that I'm on
4:35
you might not necessarily get on my boat,
4:36
but the company's great. They have HR policies.
4:40
There's no drinking on board. Yeah, everyone
4:44
treats everyone with respect. That's it's
4:46
required. It's demanded.
4:48
Love that. And so you all will have an opportunity
4:51
to reach out to Colleen. Her information
4:53
will be in the show notes. And so what she
4:56
just mentioned, you know, again, bringing
4:58
us back to our conversation. So I do want
5:01
to center that on this platform. We talk
5:03
a lot about strength, centering women of
5:05
color. We carry families, careers, communities,
5:09
expectations, and sometimes that strength
5:12
becomes silence. And this is where I want
5:14
to begin. So Colleen, when did you first
5:17
realize the binge drinking wasn't just a
5:21
habit, but a coping mechanism?
5:25
Okay, so I probably always knew I had a problem
5:28
because when you, so what is a binge drinking?
5:31
Let me backtrack just a little bit. So a
5:33
binge drinking, according to the National,
5:35
I always have to look this acronym so long,
5:38
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
5:41
You can Google that and there's all this
5:43
information on drinking. And so a binge drink
5:47
is four or more drinks for a woman. And they're
5:50
the standard drinks, not what we might consider
5:52
a drink. Five or more for a male. And it's
5:56
in one incident. So my thing was, I didn't
6:01
always drink every day, so I didn't think
6:02
I was an alcoholic. So it kept me stuck for
6:06
a long time. The only time I'd question it
6:09
is when I would binge drink, and then I'd
6:11
wake up the next day with a hangover and
6:13
go, oh my god, do I have a problem? And then
6:15
I, as I'm not an alcoholic per se, I didn't
6:18
drink for a while. And I thought, Oh, I don't
6:20
have a problem. I'm not drinking every day.
6:22
So it kept me stuck for years, uh, was, and
6:26
then also commercial fishing. I, I could
6:28
be removed from alcohol because we don't
6:31
have it on the boat. And so for months, you're
6:33
not drinking and it's, it's something our
6:36
brains do where we convince ourselves because
6:38
we're away from it. We're okay. We don't
6:40
have a problem. And then as soon as we, I
6:43
would hit land. The thing about fishing,
6:45
which is also great, just a plug for anyone
6:47
interested in fishing, is long periods of
6:50
time off when you are done working. So, you
6:53
know, like I'm off until May. I just did
6:55
my thing. So if I were drinking, there's
6:58
a lot of opportunity because I've made money.
7:00
I can go travel. You can drink. I don't have
7:04
to wake up and do anything. I don't have
7:05
kids. So, I mean, maybe if I had a family,
7:07
of course it would be different. But because
7:09
I don't have children, I never really had
7:11
responsibility for anyone but myself. or
7:15
my family when I'm with my family or watching
7:17
those children, which I did quite a bit.
7:20
So I was always responsible. So then when
7:23
my husband died, I think what really helped
7:26
me figure out that it was a problem and for
7:30
me in my life, it was time to just drop it.
7:34
I had to do a lot of, I promised him that
7:37
I would help. And once I decided I was gonna
7:39
write a book, I looked back at my life And
7:42
I started really evaluating my drinking,
7:46
honestly, without excuses. And I did it,
7:51
tried to do it without judgment, because
7:53
I've made some things, choices in life that
7:55
I'm not proud of. But, you know, just understanding
7:59
how did I stay stuck. And so it's, it's,
8:03
it's kind of sneaky, because what I've come
8:05
to find is that like, for me, I could deny
8:09
I had a problem because 95% of the time when
8:12
I drank, it wasn't a problem, right? I like
8:15
to call it, I'm calling it the 95-5 because
8:18
it's what kept me stuck because I didn't
8:20
always drink too much when I drank. I didn't
8:23
always do something stupid. And even if I
8:25
did, it might just be mild, like maybe I
8:28
cried with my girlfriends at the bar. And
8:30
the next day, you're like, Oh, my God, why
8:31
was I crying? Or, you know, those, we've
8:33
all done it, if we're doing right. And you
8:36
wake up the next day, and you apologize,
8:38
you text your your friends, you go, Oh, my
8:39
God, I'm sorry. And they, they excuse you,
8:43
and it's over. But it's not until you know,
8:45
you do something major, like you wake up
8:47
with someone you don't know, or you drive
8:50
home drunk, or maybe you trip over a step
8:55
and you break your front tooth, you know,
8:56
or even worse, right? There's a lot of things
8:59
that can go wrong when we're drunk, really
9:01
drunk. And that's what I'm, that's what I'm
9:04
focusing on. And I'm kind of swaying away
9:07
from the question you asked. But so I guess
9:10
there was a lot to uncover. And I realized
9:15
I've been coping with me with drinking my
9:19
entire drinking life, so.
9:22
OK. And so I do want to kind of, so you mentioned
9:26
the definition and five drinks. And so five
9:29
drinks, how often?
9:31
Yeah, that's for a man, for a male. Four
9:34
drinks. Yeah, it's in any incident. Like
9:38
if you're drinking, this is the definition
9:40
from the national blah, blah, blah, blah,
9:43
blah. you know, you're at a party or maybe
9:45
you're watching a ball game all day or football
9:48
and you're drinking all day, even if you
9:51
don't get trashed, that's still considered
9:53
binge drinking because our bodies really
9:56
can't process alcohol. It really is a poison
9:58
as much as we may not want to admit it. You
10:02
know, the way I try to relate to alcohol
10:04
being a poison is, you know, when we eat
10:07
food and we throw up because it's got, you
10:09
know, a bacteria that's not good for us and
10:12
we call that food poisoning. when we wake
10:14
up or we're drinking and we throw up, that's
10:16
our body saying you've poisoned it, right?
10:19
Alcohol can be a poison. It is a poison really
10:22
for our systems. So it's four and it's just,
10:28
we call it fun, we call it partying. And
10:32
I'm not saying for anyone to quit, I'm just
10:35
saying caution, right? Like if you were someone
10:38
like me, so the last time I drank and binge
10:42
drank, when I wasn't planning on it, I was
10:44
afternoon party, I drove home drunk. And
10:47
that's the next day is when I decided, you
10:50
know, I needed to stop completely. If I never
10:54
wanted to do that again.
10:56
Right. So what I'm understanding is we're
10:58
kind of talking about two different things.
11:00
So the binge drinking is just a definition
11:03
you're having as a woman, four or more drinks,
11:06
you're binging. Right. And there's not necessarily
11:10
any additional behavior associated with that.
11:14
What we're also talking about is in your
11:16
case, you were having a four plus drinks
11:19
and then you were having the behavior that
11:22
you were not happy with behavior that, you
11:25
know, a lot of people would probably say
11:27
is negative behavior. But most importantly,
11:30
you were not happy with what happened when
11:34
you did have those four or more drinks a
11:37
day, binge drinking at the time that you
11:39
were having it.
11:41
But and yes, I mean, that's absolutely right.
11:43
But the thing is, the way we can stay stuck
11:47
is we don't do it all the time. Like it's
11:49
not like every time I partied, I was driving
11:52
home drunk. It's the, it's the fact that
11:56
when you are partying and, and, you know,
11:58
people that party, I would have to guess
12:01
that most of us have done something when
12:03
we're trash that we're not proud of. So,
12:06
um, you know, that's what I'm talking about
12:08
and everyone relate that has drank a lot,
12:11
you know, um, making a choice that you might
12:15
regret or that could disrupt your life forever.
12:17
For instance, my late husband dying by alcohol
12:20
related suicide. He was completely trashed
12:23
when he died. Rest in peace, Scott. And like
12:29
for me, I could have killed someone or myself
12:33
driving drunk. And so that was the, I said
12:37
a prayer, God, get me home. I swear I'll
12:40
quit and I woke up and I'm proud of myself.
12:43
I've done it for almost five years, so. Congratulations.
12:48
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're very
12:51
welcome. And so you did kind of mention,
12:53
you know, you just mentioned Scott and you
12:56
had mentioned a little bit earlier that that's
12:58
kind of like when the shift happens and shifts
13:00
started to happen when your husband's with
13:02
his passing. So what would you say that grief
13:05
has taught you about your own patterns?
13:10
Yeah. So for my experience, after he died,
13:14
that was 14 years ago when he passed. I would
13:19
say that I wasn't drinking at that time.
13:23
I actually quit once before for three years.
13:25
So I was sober throughout that grief process.
13:28
But because the suicide is a whole kind of
13:32
different type of scenario of grief, there's
13:35
no planning. It's a shock. all of a sudden,
13:40
there's so much going on. A lot of times
13:42
there's anger or whatever people are feeling.
13:45
For me, I was a bit angry. So I had to work
13:47
through my stages of grief. And one of them
13:50
was depression. After I got everything, it
13:53
took about a year to get all our personal
13:57
things in line. When someone dies, your spouse,
13:59
you have to close accounts and all this kind
14:01
of stuff that happens after death. And so
14:04
once I was just sitting with me and my grief,
14:07
I got very depressed. And I think what my
14:12
experience taught me is once I was able to
14:14
move through my depression, I enveloped a
14:18
compassion for what I can only imagine was
14:23
his depression. Because I never thought of
14:26
dying by suicide, and he did. So his pain
14:31
must have been so hopeless or I don't know
14:35
what he was feeling. I just know what I felt
14:37
in my depression. And I, so that's the point
14:40
I made a shift and, and turned my, just turned
14:46
toward compassion to anyone who, who has
14:49
thoughts of suicide or who's going through
14:51
depression, that it can happen to any of
14:54
us, that whole fallacy of, you know, I had
14:57
so many people said, oh, he copped out. And
14:59
now I try to re-educate people that, you
15:03
know, nobody really wants to die by suicide,
15:06
right? If you're considering suicide, you're
15:09
in a really tough place. And let's have compassion
15:12
and start talking about it as not being,
15:17
you're a defected person because you're in
15:20
this mental state. it's that you just really
15:23
need a support system. And can I just plug
15:27
in that there is a support system nationally,
15:30
the 988 hotline, it's a, I don't know if
15:33
you're aware of it, but anyone can text or
15:36
call it anytime, 24 seven, and there's a
15:40
trained counselor waiting to help. And it
15:43
doesn't have to be suicidal, it can be a
15:45
crisis of any sort. It can be if you're having
15:47
a crisis with your family member, it's available.
15:51
It's a national hotline. And so I always
15:54
like to share that because a lot of people
15:55
don't know about that, because it has saved
15:57
lives. I've talked to so many people who
16:00
have thought of dying by suicide, because
16:02
I'm a real advocate of bringing this to awareness.
16:05
That's one of my that's why I'm here. Honestly,
16:07
I when I quit drinking, I didn't think I
16:11
was going to write a book. And it's just
16:13
all happened in my effort to keep my promise
16:16
to keep Scott's life alive and to help maybe
16:22
someone who is suffering that can find some
16:26
hope somewhere?
16:26
Yeah, absolutely. And I definitely believe
16:29
that a lot of times we have experiences so
16:32
that we can help other people. I have, you
16:36
know, many conversations on this podcast
16:39
and we're in people have gone through different
16:41
things. And, you know, and ask, like, what
16:43
do you think about that? Do you feel that
16:45
possibly you went through what you went through
16:48
so that you could help others to not go down
16:52
that same path. And even if you didn't necessarily
16:56
go through it for that, but, or, and, what's
17:01
your perspective on using that, as they say,
17:05
as a testimony, the conversations that we
17:07
have. So would you give us that phone number
17:09
again, what they can text?
17:12
Yes, it's 988.
17:16
Got it.
17:17
Yeah, try not to confuse it with 911. We
17:20
all know that one for emergencies, right?
17:22
Like someone's trying to rob you or whatever.
17:25
It's 988. Text it, you can call it. Just
17:30
dial 988. And anytime, anytime.
17:34
Thank you for that. So quiet denial. I think
17:37
that's something that you may talk about,
17:40
write about. First, what is it and what does
17:43
it look like in everyday life?
17:48
I only speak from my experience. So, um,
17:52
I can say that I knew I had a problem and
17:57
I call that quiet denial because women were
18:00
very intuitive. We know what's going on,
18:02
right? Really? I think we do. And, um, you
18:06
know, we have that sixth sense often. And
18:09
with me internally, um, I just didn't want
18:12
to deal with it. I didn't want to admit it.
18:15
So I was not willing to face it. And oftentimes
18:18
I think for others and myself included, it's
18:24
not until something forces us to look at
18:27
it straight in the face, right? A door might
18:29
get slammed in front of us that, you know,
18:32
we're trying to go this direction and a door
18:34
gets shut, which forces us to move another
18:36
way. So I think sometimes it's human nature.
18:39
It's easy to take the easy route. And so
18:41
sometimes we have to be jolted. And so I
18:45
think my quiet denial was dormant for a long
18:48
time, because nothing really jolted me strong
18:51
enough to say, okay, I'm done. And thank
18:54
God it wasn't killing someone. Because it
18:58
could have been now for my late husband.
19:01
I appreciate your question. I do believe
19:04
everyone's life has, you know, we're all
19:07
such beautiful, unique human beings. And
19:10
I think part of our problem in our culture
19:12
is comparison. But if we can all just look
19:14
at our own beauty, and find our nugget of
19:18
what we can give to the world. And it doesn't
19:21
even have to be huge. It can just be being
19:23
a kind person or whatever we offer to the
19:26
world. I know I sway a lot on questions,
19:33
so I'm sorry. But I just like to throw that
19:36
nugget in too, because I think I, I don't
19:39
know, back to the quiet denial. Yes, it was
19:41
strong for a long time. And I think it was,
19:44
for me, it was that I got lucky. It wasn't
19:48
catastrophic, but it was strong enough to
19:51
make me shift and finally start looking at
19:55
it and facing it head on.
19:58
Yeah. And so what you said is, I mean, and
20:00
that's what this podcast is about. It's really
20:03
about helping women of color to have tools
20:09
to live better lives. And so during the time
20:12
when you were dealing with the loss of your
20:15
husband and before your depression, tell
20:21
us a little bit about your layer of grief,
20:23
right? You went from the anger, you went
20:25
to the depression, but what was the hardest
20:27
part of that season?
20:35
I, there was a lot to his death, I'd asked
20:39
for divorce, okay, the day he died. And so
20:44
it some of it was processing, releasing my
20:49
guilt, because even people will say it's
20:51
not your fault. But you know, if you haven't
20:54
lived it, it's you don't know what it feels
20:57
like, right? Yeah. So I think the I'm a doer,
21:02
my job forces me to be a doer too. So I was
21:06
immediately forced into action. And I'm independent,
21:13
so I didn't really seek out a lot of help.
21:17
And that's one thing I would say, because
21:20
I didn't seek out help, I was trying to do
21:22
it all on my own. I think I made my grief
21:27
more challenging than it needed to be. If
21:30
I would have been more open to to getting
21:34
some help, some community help. And that's
21:39
one thing that I've learned. It's okay to
21:44
ask for help. It's courageous and it's empowering.
21:51
No, absolutely. It definitely is. And I am
21:55
an advocate of asking for help. I am an advocate
21:58
of not doing it all yourself on your own.
22:02
Definitely reach out to others. And I'm talking
22:04
to myself, right, because I'm definitely
22:06
one of those ones as well. who's used to,
22:09
you know, getting things done, doing things
22:11
and just moving through life and not necessarily
22:13
slowing down to allow other people in. And
22:17
now knowing that that is so vital that I
22:19
definitely want that. And so you just said
22:21
something that was very, very important.
22:25
How people, you know, said to you, well,
22:27
it wasn't your fault. And then you had your
22:28
own feelings and thoughts. What would you
22:31
have preferred that they said or did?
22:36
Yeah, suicides really, it's people don't
22:39
know what to say. And I understand that.
22:42
So even if people say something that's completely,
22:45
you just go, wow. It's coming from a place
22:49
of like, they don't know what to say. And
22:51
it's awkward. And that's what I'd love to
22:53
shift is like, it doesn't need to be awkward.
22:59
Sometimes you don't even have to say anything
23:01
except I'm here for you. Because it's really,
23:06
everyone's, we all are going to experience
23:10
it different. Even suicide survivors, I'm
23:13
considered a suicide survivor because I have
23:16
a loved one or friend or anyone who knows
23:19
someone that died by suicide, you're considered
23:22
a suicide survivor. So it's, yeah, I think
23:30
that's all you need. I'm here for you. you
23:34
know, call me, and some of it, honestly,
23:38
you know, someone might say, call me if you
23:40
need me. Well, I wouldn't have done that,
23:42
really, because I wasn't able to ask for
23:46
help back then. So what I've come to learn,
23:49
and my best friend is very good at this,
23:51
and she taught me, is that you don't wait
23:53
for the person grieving to come to you, you
23:57
go to them. And you almost, yeah. almost
23:59
get obnoxious with it. Yeah, I'm doing with
24:02
my father right now, because he's going through
24:05
some grief. And so, yeah, so those are ways
24:10
we can help. And for me, when I have someone
24:14
I love, I know they're suffering or going
24:17
through grief, I just keep checking in. Because
24:19
people forget, here's another thing, and
24:22
your viewers or listeners who have experienced
24:25
grief will know this too, is that people
24:27
kind of forget you had a major loss after
24:30
the month is over, like, you know, the funeral's
24:33
over, and then six months later, they forget
24:37
that you're still grieving, because it doesn't
24:39
just go away. And that's when it's like,
24:43
put it on your calendar, check on so-and-so,
24:45
check on so-and-so, and keep checking on
24:48
them every, so often, more than so often,
24:52
if you can, just to make sure and they will
24:55
really I know, I really appreciated the few
24:58
who, who were aware of that and made sure
25:03
it made me feel very loved that they haven't
25:04
forgotten me. And, and so I tried to remember
25:08
that for others, like pass it on.
25:12
Absolutely, and actually I had that conversation
25:14
recently because what we're talking about
25:17
right now, we are talking about you being
25:19
a survivor of suicide. What we're also talking
25:23
about applies in other situations as well,
25:26
because I'm Two friends, family members are
25:30
going through cancer and one, you know, I
25:33
would check on both, but one in particular,
25:35
I would check on her. And then I had reached
25:38
out one time, didn't hear back. And then
25:41
I kind of let it pass and reached out another
25:43
time, hadn't heard back. And then a few months
25:46
later, she happened to pop back up and say,
25:48
hey, Thank you so much for reaching out.
25:50
I appreciate you. You just don't know how
25:52
much I actually was going through depression.
25:55
I was very depressed and angry, right? The
25:57
emotions that you've talked about and what
26:00
you've gone through in your healing process.
26:03
And that's what she was going through, but
26:04
she did appreciate me reaching out. And that's
26:08
it. The person that you're reaching out to,
26:11
even if they don't, respond, still do it
26:15
because they need it, right? Because what
26:18
she said is, she was like, you know what?
26:20
You all were praying for me when I just couldn't,
26:22
because I was angry and angry at God. And
26:24
so you all stood in the gap. And then with
26:27
the other individual, I told someone else,
26:29
because they were saying how, oh my God,
26:31
she won't let us help. She won't let us in.
26:33
I'm like, you know what? Show up. Just show
26:37
up, just go to the door and exactly what
26:39
you said, be obnoxious if that's what you
26:42
have to be. So in many communities, we don't
26:46
talk about addiction openly. We don't talk
26:49
about suicide openly, and we don't talk about
26:53
mental health openly either. What would you
26:56
say to the women listening who are silently
27:00
carrying something heavy?
27:10
You're not alone. I know that can be cliche-ish,
27:14
but it's very true. It's amazing how many
27:18
people are suffering or holding something
27:23
heavy. The word suffering is kind of, but
27:26
holding a heaviness that can be just debilitating.
27:33
And if at all possible, just take one baby
27:37
step of reaching out to get some connection
27:43
and support.
27:46
Yeah. So I want to pivot a little bit. You
27:49
use the phrase, find your North Star. What
27:51
does that mean?
27:53
Well, it's a nautical thing, right? I mean,
27:55
North Star was a navigational star that sailors
28:01
use for years. And it just goes with my vibes
28:04
with me. But the whole metaphorical meaning
28:09
behind it is like, you know, for sailors
28:12
finding their way home, they use the North
28:14
Star for navigation. And so for me in my
28:17
journey of maturing and realizing, you know,
28:24
who I am as a human being, not this body,
28:28
but my soul. It's like the journey I've gone
28:34
through to find me returning home to the,
28:37
the me that God brought to this earth as
28:41
a child, like we're all beautiful souls that
28:44
get jaded with life and our experiences and,
28:47
but yet we all have a beauty within us. And
28:50
so my North Star is my godlike reference
28:55
to of just finding the peace within.
29:01
Yeah, that's absolutely beautiful. And a
29:03
lot of us, you know, we need a North Star.
29:06
So thank you for that reflection. What has
29:10
the water taught you about emotional resilience?
29:14
That's a great question. Oh, they all are
29:16
a great question. I love your questions.
29:18
You really make me think. You're really making
29:20
me think. So the ocean can be rough. There's
29:26
lots of, and actually I just got home and
29:29
the last two days we got our asses kicked
29:31
by bad weather, right? And we still have
29:35
to work through it. I cook on the boat. My
29:37
job is to cook. And so imagine you're still
29:41
trying to cook in rough weather. And until
29:44
you experience it, I don't know that you
29:46
can really imagine it, but try. And so it
29:49
just makes you realize, that, you know, nature
29:54
life is going to throw you things you think
29:57
you're in control, but you're really not.
29:59
And you still have to push through when you're
30:01
getting thrown something that you didn't
30:04
ask for. And a lot of what we do on the boat,
30:09
we're a team, my galley department is a team,
30:12
we work together, we help each other through
30:14
our rough days. And, you know, if our my
30:18
if our dishwashers Dishes all flew on the
30:21
floor. We all run over there and help them
30:22
pick it up. It's not like, you know, we all
30:25
help each other. And so I think working on
30:27
the boats just really taught me, and it doesn't
30:30
matter what race you are, but we all are
30:32
a team surviving the job and then ultimately
30:36
surviving being on the water because, you
30:38
know, that can be a deadly, you just realize
30:41
that life is temporary because, you know,
30:43
we could die out there. So I think often
30:47
about just, death and appreciating life when
30:51
I'm home. And just, you know, on those days,
30:55
we're like, Okay, this can end now. Like,
30:59
we've got our butt kicks. You can stop the
31:02
storm, you know, Poseidon or whoever God
31:06
whatever. Yeah, so we just work through it.
31:10
And it's I guess it's just taught me the
31:13
strength of pushing through and then You
31:15
know, you see the light at the end of the
31:17
tunnel and then you forget the storm. That's
31:19
why we go back fishing. I mean, if I had
31:21
weather every day, I would never return.
31:25
So let's kind of, you know, go back to the
31:27
book in our last few minutes. So what does
31:30
life beyond the binge look like? Practically,
31:33
not poetically.
31:36
You mean as far as me and my journey?
31:38
Yeah, beyond the binge what you know the
31:41
book.
31:42
Okay, so it's been a thank you again. It's
31:46
been a lot of fun to as a woman, my age,
31:49
and I'm exiting the fishing industry to read
31:53
that read invent me as a healthy, whole woman.
31:57
And so by sharing the book, it's geared toward
32:02
the readers. I try not to make it, you know,
32:04
I don't want it all about me. That is boring.
32:06
Nobody knows me. It's more for the reader.
32:08
Like how can you self reflect? And then I
32:12
try to throw in some interesting fishing
32:13
stories and things like that. But where I
32:16
really want to take it and part of this all
32:18
ties in with Scott's death and my whole metamorphosis
32:22
is taking on stage Helping, I'd love to get
32:25
in touch with Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.
32:29
I just really want to give back at this point
32:31
in my life. It's about, you know, death is
32:37
coming near. I just really want to be the
32:39
best version of me. And if I can help anyone
32:43
in any way and keep Scott's, my promise to
32:46
Scott alive, my promise to myself. The book
32:50
is really a basis for a platform to speak
32:54
from. And so I'm working on trying to get
32:59
speaking engagements, motivational speaking
33:03
and things like that. So it's exciting. We'll
33:06
see where it goes. We're, you know, just
33:10
The saying is, if you keep showing up, the
33:12
universe will reward you. Absolutely. Absolutely.
33:15
Let the universe know. Yeah, I definitely
33:18
believe that. Let the universe know and it
33:21
conspires to make it happen for you. So two
33:24
quick questions.
33:25
I forgive myself for... For choices I made
33:33
without knowing better. And the version of
33:39
me today knows. I'm doing the best I can
33:44
in life. And I'm kind and grateful.
33:49
Love it. So Kylene, thank you for your vulnerability.
33:52
Conversations like this matter, right? Because
33:55
again, we're talking about a couple of things.
33:58
We're talking about your relationship with
34:00
alcohol, being a survivor of suicide. So
34:05
it matters. And again, crosses, right? It's
34:09
universal. So to our listeners, if today's
34:13
conversation resonated, share it with a sister
34:15
or friend, someone who might need language
34:18
for what they're carrying. Remember that
34:21
if you know someone that's going through
34:22
something, don't wait for them to reach out
34:25
to you to ask. As Colleen has said, you reach
34:27
out to them. And Colleen's forthcoming book
34:30
is Life Beyond the Bench. We'll include links
34:34
so that you can stay connected to Colleen.
34:37
And everyone, as always, this is Women of
34:39
Color, an intimate conversation where we
34:42
choose ourselves boldly. Thank you so much
34:45
and see you next time.