Latest / The Connected Mom / Moving Beyond Rejection
Transcript
- If you've ever experienced rejection, that's kind of a crazy question, right? Because it's very likely that you have in some form or another. I'm Becky Harling, the host of the Connected Mom podcast. And today, we're going to have a conversation about moving past rejection and how to recover joy again. I think this is something that hits all of us and so you know from listening to us in the past that the Connect -a -Mom podcast, we have real conversations that hopefully help you connect more deeply with God, more empathically with your fellow moms and more intentionally with your child and I have with me today my my amazing co -host, Sarah. Hey, Sarah. - Hi, Becky. You are so right, Becky. Rejection is so hard. And I think moms of all ages and stages can unfortunately relate to that, right? It reveals our insecurities. I mean, if we hold on to it, it can really rob us of joy. So I'm thrilled that we're talking about this topic. because I think everyone can relate. - Yeah, I do too, Sarah. And I want to encourage those of you who are listening to lean in and listen well, you know, maybe take some notes. So our guest today is Patti LaRoche, and she's the wife of the former Yankee player, Dave LaRoche. That's really cool. We haven't had a former baseball player's wife on the floor. - Oh, no, B. - I know. - Oh, this is so cool. really cool. You know, my kids would call her a double name or Sarah because, you know, she's important. And, um, I actually grew up as a Yankees fan. So this is very fun for me. She's also a former high school teacher whose goal was to help students understand their immeasurable worth and I love that. She also serves in Mexico with a dump feeding program. which is also so intriguing and so necessary. So welcome, Patty. - Thank you so much. It's so, so good to be here, Sarah and Becky. I appreciate you bringing me on and sharing this journey with me. - Yeah, so tell us a little bit about what was your motivation for writing this book. - Well, I have a lot of questions. of really funny stories. I grew up poor and and pretty homely and so I dealt with a lot of feelings about never never measuring up. That became the starting point but then I found that even marrying into the professional baseball world didn't stop that because there were still wives who were thin and prettier and richer and there there's a huge comparison game even in professional baseball and so it just it just didn't matter whatever my my journey there was just always someone there to remind me that I wasn't quite good enough and it wasn't until I really started teaching high school and a group of high school girls came to me and asked if I would lead them in a Bible study that I I appreciated just how deep the insecurity was in everybody and so in in the Bible study these girls became very transparent and they were kind of the they were the most popular girls in the high school they were the athletes and they were the cheerleaders in the homecoming point they had all this stuff going for them but when we really started to dig into who they were they were so unwilling to even walk down the hall without feeling insecure. And I was shocked at that. They said, "Yes, we just think these people are looking at us and judging us." And I said, "Girls, if you think they're looking at you, what do you think they're thinking?" And so it opened up all this dialogue in my classroom. And then the last thing that happened was every year my students would my speech students would write questions intended for kindergartners and we would walk to the elementary school and they would be paired one -on -one with a little kindergartner and I talk about this in my TED talk because it was just transforming for me to watch these little five -year -olds who could do anything and who knew everything and even if they didn't they did so if my student would say can you can you sing yeah I can sing and they jump up and they start singing and can you dance of course they could dance. Whatever they were asked they could do. What my students didn't know was that two weeks before that I had asked them questions in class questions to which I knew the answers were yes. Can anybody in here play the violin? Nobody made eye contact they kept their heads down and I had I had the gal that was first chair in the orchestra. orchestra sitting on the front row. She never looked. Can anybody in here ride a bull? I had a rodeo winner on the back. The point was, no one, no one acknowledged that they could do anything. So when we came back from this kindergarten experience, I started talking to my students and I said, do you remember when I asked you those questions two weeks ago? And none of you could do anything. What happened between a five -year -old's time and a 17 -year -old's time? Like, what has taken away your confidence? And they clearly began talking about bullies or coaches or parents or sometimes pastors. And I realized, "Oh my gosh, this is an epidemic. I mean, we are losing confidence." And many of these kids were Christians, and I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to but it didn't matter. They had somehow lost their joy and allowed other people to make them feel defeated. And I thought, oh my gosh, between my experiences in the Bible study and this test that I did with these high schoolers, I thought it was probably time that I wrote a book on just how we need to deal with rejection. I love that. So we're coming. - And overcome it. - Yeah, so good. So I love stories, Patty, 'cause I think they really teach us, and I love that story you shared about the kindergarteners. I know that there's a specific story in your book that we were hoping you'd share. It took place on a bus with the Yankees in 1981. That's quite a start to a story. Most of us don't have a bus in the 1980s. So tell us about it. us, tell us what happened. You don't want that story. You do not want that story. And it is just, it was the craziest thing. Well, again, Dave was at the end of his career. And there were, there were young, beautiful wives and they, I mean, a couple of them actually had Rolls Royces. I think we had a Honda, you know, the things that really changed. And, and they were beautiful and that the diamonds had become 10 karat diamonds. and just dressed with purses. Anyway, things had really changed. And here we're going to the Playoffs the World series and George Steinbrenner was the owner of the Yankees and he had chartered a bus for the Players Wives and the Players on the Disabled list and all the stockholders. Huge deal. And so he flew us out to Oakland and my girlfriend Kathy, I'd been a flight attendant and she lived out there then and she joined us. me and so we get we get on the bus and I don't feel confident with these wives I'm not dressed like they're dressed I don't have the jewelry and I certainly didn't fly my hairstylist in like some of them did and so I had really long hair to the middle of my back and I don't feel confident with these wives I don't have the jewelry and I don't confident with these wives I don't have the jewelry and I don't feel to say something to Kathy who was coming on the bus after me and all of a sudden I just felt like I was being pulled, like Kathy had grabbed my hair and was pulling on it or something. I'm going, "What is going on?" And then I start smelling smoke and Kathy starts screaming and I realized that my hair as I turned to talk to her had gotten stuck in the fan that was on the dashboard of this bus and my hair was just getting stuck in the fan. into this fan. And my cousin starting off, it was just literally frying my hair. And it was causing me to do this backbend in the middle of this aisle. So anyway, it took the bus driver, oh, I guess about a half an hour. He had to go get a mechanic and they had to come and all those little parts of the fan were stuck in my hair. Oh, that's cool. Oh, I didn't realize it took a half an hour. hour, wow. Oh, it did. It took a half an hour, and it just chopped off all my hair. And of course, in the meantime, I had tears running down my face. I was mortified. And then I had to go to the ballpark with this really short, curly, frizzled hair. And so Bucky Dent happened to be the shortstop, and he was on the disabled list, and he was on the bus. And he ran into the clubhouse. clubhouse and told all the New York Yankees that they had to see Patti LaRoche because because of what happened on the bus and she caught her hair in the fan and it burned off. For anyway they all popped their heads out of the dugout to look at me and I'm sitting there and of course Dave could not believe what he saw. It's like one more story of okay well this didn't work out so the funny thing is years later. later, years later I had gone back to spring training Dave was coaching and gosh I can't even remember how many years later was but anyway Gretchen Randolph was in the stands and her husband now was the manager of the Yankees, she had been her husband had been a player at the same time Dave was when my hair got caught in the fan and she's in the stands and I look up and I said Gretchen and she jumps up and she turns to all these young wives who have no eyes. who I am and she said oh my gosh oh my gosh this is Patty this is the one who got her hair caught in the fan and they all knew the story years later I mean it's a story that probably still is being shared. It is a great story I mean I think it was so embarrassing to you but you know we all have those stories of embarrassment, right? And but, you know, you look at the professional sports careers, right, and their wives and you think, well, certainly they don't deal with things like low confidence or feelings of rejection. So talk to us about that a little bit, you know? Because I think we have. a little bit of stardom, you know, we just have gotten through the Super Bowl. We've all been watching, you know, Taylor Swift in the audience of the Super Bowl. And I think people idolize people like that, right? So talk to us about that a little bit. I think the Bible is so clear that we should have no false gods. And I think every time we set ourselves up to look at, you know, even Taylor Swift, who is a mega talent and a beautiful woman, I guess I look at her differently. I think I bet this is really hard for you. I bet it's really hard to have people worship you and want to touch you and want to talk to you and stare at you. And we, you know, we have so many stories of famous, famous people who have had horrific deaths because because they have turned to drugs or alcohol or suicide or whatever, because what we see is not what we get. And I think anymore, just because of social media, and Taylor Swift certainly deals with a lot of criticism. I think it's really hard not to take that to heart and not to start to believe that we are who they say we are and compare ourselves. And I don't know. I was so shocked in the baseball world that when you really, really got to know those women, because later I had a Bible study and many of them came. And I heard their insecurities and those Rolls Royces and those big diamonds and those fur coats did not masquerade the baggage that they were carrying many times from especially middle school and from grade school or from their parents or with their parents. that they too never felt they were quite good enough and I am telling you since I've written my book I've been amazed at the number of very successful men who have read it who are writing me telling stories very very surprising and and some professional athletes because they too are always under the gun to be better and I had three sons who signed professional baseball contracts one did not make it it. He made it through the minor leagues. He never made it to the major leagues. There was always a comparison and a sad one that his brothers made it, but he didn't. And so that's a journey that never ends. There's always somebody in the minor leagues who's ready to take your place. So I think most of us deal, even in business, in the Christian community, in our homes. in our workplace, with the battle to compare. You know, if only I were, is it because I write about that in my book, if only I were richer, taller, smarter, prettier, more creative, there's always somebody. And until we stop and say, and I think especially when we moms deal with our children, God has gifted you with whatever gifts. gifts because they have them. God has definitely given but to teach our kids to appreciate the gifts in other kids and their friends. You know what? Yes, okay, so Sarah is such a good cook. I love eating Sarah's food, but you know what? God has made you a very creative artist or a very talented singer or whatever it is and maybe it's not simple. obvious sometimes parents have to dig a little bit to find what those gifts are but that we we have got to learn to appreciate how God designed all of us differently instead of playing the only game I I write in my book that Teddy Roosevelt once said comparison is the thief of joy yes and I truly believe that I think as long as we're looking at some else, oh my gosh, look at Becky, she has this podcast and she's so good at asking questions. And look at Sarah's smile. I mean, we can do that using a Midwest expression till the cows come home. But we're not growing in the grace of God. We're not developing our gifts as long as we're doing that. So I think it's just critical that no matter where we are, if we're a professional... professional baseball player's wife, or an athlete, or a singer, or as high as you think you can get, they're still struggling with not being good enough until they make God the audience that counts. And that's what we have to do. What does God see about us? He says we're forgiven and we're wonderful. And he designed us with this specific DNA. And that's, we're really, we are so special to him until he becomes... our audience. We're never going to find joy. So that's right. So good. I love that shift, Patty, because that's exactly right. I think that when we look for the approval of others, you just never get it, right? Because they're insecure and then they're comparing. So they feel, I mean, it's just like this vicious cycle. So I love that in your book, you write, we have to allow ourselves to move. matter." Wow. I'm going to say that again. "We have to allow ourselves to matter." What do you mean by that? I mean, it goes back to God's the audience that counts. So that when we go to bed at night, that's what we have to ask ourselves. Did I please the master today? I might have disappointed some other people. I might have not. with some criticism, but did I please him? Did I honor him? How did I take that criticism? When I did my TED Talk, they didn't want a lot of Christianity in it. They didn't want a lot of faith statements, but I did talk about the rewards of rejection. That through rejection, we can learn humility, which I certainly have in many, many, many of my case stories that I told in my book. that things happen and we're embarrassed and we're humiliated. But you know what? But can we be humbled by that? And the other thing is sometimes we just have to realize that not everybody's going to be our friend. And sometimes we need to ask ourselves some questions. Am I too loud? Am I too forceful? Am I too much of a mealy mouse? Do I always have to have... my opinion be heard am I able to really listen to people and listen well listen with empathy what are some things I could learn that are going to make me a better person a more humble person so that's just one of the big things but but yes we matter because we matter to God because to people we're always going to disappoint we are and and they're going to disappoint us because until heaven this this journey is not going to be what we want it to be. So in the meantime it's like we matter to God and and he's the one that matters most. So when a mom feels rejected whether it's by her friends by her spouse or even by her kids for some moms. You know, the tendency can be to kind of build up walls to protect ourselves. And what would you say about that, Patty? - How my heart breaks for moms today more than ever before. And I recently started substitute teaching again. And the family unit has, the family unit is, in really, really, really bad shape. And I find moms who want so badly to be their child's friend instead of their child's parent. That's a huge, huge problem right now. And we're dealing with that on so many different levels. And, of course, dads are doing it too, but we need to step back and say, "What is my role in parenting? I may not be the perfect parent. I may need to apologize to my kids a lot for things I do as a parent, which I think is a great thing to do and teaches them to do the same thing. But as a mom, there's just such an incredibly hard, hard role right now. And even in the Christian community, that somebody's a more godly mother than I am. Somebody's making more cupcakes for the church. church social than I am. And we look at their giftedness and compare ourselves. And it's just, it's a terrible, terrible message for our kids when we do that, because we want them to see that we're looking at God's gifts in our lives and trying to develop those as well. But one of the things, in fact, it just happened the other day. It wasn't a mom, it was a dad. But one of my teacher friends is an art teacher. teacher in the middle school. And mind you, I live in the Bible Belt. I live in Kansas in a small town where we're not subjected to a lot of things, some of the bigger cities are. But she told me that the other day, she had a student in her art class who was taking her little art stamps and stamping things all over her arm. And the teacher said, you know, you're not allowed to do that. I had to pay for those supplies myself. The school didn't. And so you're taking things that I've purchased and you're misusing them. And you know, that's against the rules. So put the supplies away and go sit in the back of the room to the bell rings. And I want you to think about what you've done. The girl walked out of the classroom, went to one of her friends and told her friend that she was going to kill this teacher. Oh, my. And described how she was going to kill this teacher. That girl happened to go to her teacher who went to the principal, who called the girl in and the girl admitted it. She said I was mad and this is what I said. Okay principal said you know you're going to be suspended and I have to call your parents and talk to them about this. Let them know that you're being suspended from school for threatening to kill a teacher. The dad marches himself into this middle school. Now this is a seventh grader. The dad marches himself in and tells the principal that his daughter has freedom of speech and if she wants to say that she's going to kill the teacher she has every constitution constitutional right to do that. And of course, the principal told him why he didn't have that right, and he said, "I'm going to go to the superintendent." It went to the superintendent, he backed the principal. Anyway, the dad comes back, "Okay, so the superintendent's going to back you. So I'm pulling my daughter out of school, and we're going to home school her from now on." But she's going to come back to school tomorrow to say goodbye to her friends. And the principal said, "No, she's not." She suspended. She suspended. She's not allowed back in the school until we allow her to come back in the school. Okay the point was here are parents who want so badly to be their daughter's friend that they're doing nothing to help this girl get along in life. Teaching her she has freedom of speech to threaten somebody. And so I say that because we are seeing so many parents now who who want to who just want to do whatever their kids want. You want a better cell phone? Here. Let me buy that for you. You want a better car? Here. Yes. You deserve that. Instead of teaching them the good old fashioned way that most of us grew up, which is, "I'm going to throw you on the head if you're going to be disrespectful." And you're going to see the quarter. And we're going to talk about this. But sadly, when you set yourself on the head, you're going to see the quarter. to be your child's friend, be their friends when they're adults, but not when they're children. So that's a huge issue that we're dealing with. You know, Patty, I'm going to use a baseball expression. This might come out of left field. I love baseball, by the way. That's my favorite sport of all. And I know a lot of us, even if it's not baseball, we have children in sports, right? And let me tell you, one of the... the biggest moments of learning for me was when I put my oldest into T -ball, and he was terrible, Patty. I mean, it was-- everyone was in danger when he was on the field, right? And I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know, here I played, and I thought he'd be good like me or whatever. But I do-- so this is out of left field. But I know a lot of us have our children in sports, I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know what I'm doing? I wonder if with your perspective, you know, how do we parent when rejection happens in sports? Because it's going to happen with kids, right? I mean, they don't get picked for the team. They, a teammate is a bully in them. I mean, it happens a lot in any sport. So anything that comes to mind is, as we parent, you know, what are some proactive things we can do to help them when they might experience rejection on a field. on a field, even. - And you know, at whatever level they're gonna, they're gonna experience it. And that's what I already talked about, even in the big leagues, you can experience that. That's very painful to watch that. With the bullying though, I wanna just take a step back and address that for a minute. I am so much a teacher of how we act when we're being bullied, or when we're watching somebody else be bullied. And I used to always tell my students, anytime that happens, we need to just stop and look that person in the eye and say, may I ask what pleasure you're getting out of trying to make me feel bad about myself? And those kids are gonna cuss you out or tell you how awful you are, you're fat and ugly or whatever. And just, okay, okay, that's what you think. But why is it so important for you to try to make me feel bad? and hold them accountable for their words now I'm not saying there's gonna be a magic turnaround But it's a lot better than you saying something back to them and the other the other thing that's critically important Is that we teach our kids to stick up for someone else's being bullied now as far as and say the same thing? Why are you? Why are you saying that to Sarah? Why does that make you feel good to be try to make her feel bad about herself? You know so those words are pretty powerful words. As far as our own kids, oh, that is the hardest, hardest thing, Sarah. And gosh, my kids were not good runners. They were very slow. And that's where they would be made fun of. Of course, in the baseball world, they were all good. They were all accomplished. So we were always at the head. of the pack when it came to kids being picked for a team or things, but they were not picked when there was a contest for racing or running. And they would be told, "You know, I don't always like running in baseball. That's not really one of our main skills." "Well, it's kind of necessary, but my kids just did not have that skill." So it's one of the ones, and we just kind of said, "Listen, this is something you can either work on, or you can let this be something for the rest of your life, you're going to allow this to be something you're going to be told that you're just, you're not a good runner. And even if they, even when they practice, they weren't good, they just weren't. But fortunately, they had other skills like pitching and hitting that kind of compensated for. But honestly, I wish I had better advice in that, except just to say, find where they are gifted. and, and let them know that this is not the end all. And the other thing is things change. Some of those little kids like my husband did not make his, his, I think it's a ninth grade baseball team. Oh, intrigue. Oh, nobody wanted him. Nobody wanted him. Look at Michael Jordan as a sophomore. I remember that. Thank you. Basketball team. So the fact that they're going through that now, means nothing in the long run, you know? And most of them at some point or another, my kids were not top draft picks. Adam, I think he was 30 something and they didn't know he was gonna make it at all because they knew he could pitch, but he didn't wanna pitch, he wanted to hit. So everybody said, well, we don't think you're gonna go anywhere. And he just ended up digging his heels in and practicing and practicing and he proved them wrong. So, So just to have the confidence though to say, "Okay, well what can we do now? What can we do to get better at this?" And just let them know just the fact that you don't make it in that, God's got some great plan for you and it's going to be so much better than Little League Baseball. And what are we going to learn from this and how can you get better if you really want to get better? And sometimes they just don't. they go No, I think I'm going to go over here and learn to be a chef. Yeah Okay, so Patty I have another question for you What part do you feel forgiveness plays in moving past feeling rejected by somebody whether it's you know a friend that rejects you or I know a lot of the moms of adult kids are are facing you know kids that have rejected them now and you know there's all of that so what part does forgiveness play in that? It's huge it's huge I I don't know that there's any message stronger in the Bible but more difficult than to forgive because Satan has a way of continually bringing to the the forefront how you've been hurt, especially I think by your kids, when your children hurt you, and I'm dealing with some friends right now who are going through that, that, oh gosh, there's some, there's just some mean, mean, mean people out there who choose to put you down, but God says you have to forgive. If you want to be forgiven, then you have to forgive. And sometimes I will, I will tell you, I think think the only time, the only way we can forgive is to ask God to forgive through us. And then when it comes back the next day, we choose to forgive again. We choose over and over and over. I have not been one who's been able just to forgive and it's dropped and it's over and everything's hunky -dory. Something comes back to remind me or they come back and hurt again. And then it's like, oh my goodness, I have to. one more time show grace, just like God shows me. And it's very, very hard to do that, very hard. But, and especially when your kids have been bullied or you've been put down in a way that's been super painful. I write in my book a story about, and I'm not gonna go into the details of it here, but it was a girl who gave a speech in my speech class. And they had to give a eulogy. eulogy and say goodbye to something. And when she stood up in the front of the class, let me back up a minute, she was the one that sat on the back row with stringy blonde hair, covered her face with it, hardly ever looked up. I just saw a broken heart in her and tried so hard just to kind of find a place where she was she was successful and where God wanted to do something in her life, but she was she was a tough case. And so she stood up to give her eulogy and she, her lips started quivering. And I knew it was going to be tough. She said, this is the toughest thing I've ever done in my life. And she began sharing how when she was a little girl, all she wanted to do was dance. And that was her dream to be a dancer. But then grandpa had other plans for her. And those plans involved molesting her from the time she was three years old. till the time she was 13. Now she was 17. She was a junior in my class and she went into detail about how he pulled it off and I was crying. The football players were crying. There wasn't a dry eye in the place and at the end of the and I actually I actually include her entire speech in my book. I kept that speech and at the end of the block at the end of class everybody gathered around around her. I'm sorry, at the end of the speech, she said, but I'm not gonna give him that power anymore. Just talking about this had made her, had empowered her. And she said, and I'm gonna dance again. I'm gonna start dancing. And there was just such joy in her voice at the end of that talk, but everybody came down, circled her, cried with her, and, and I, of course, kept her after class to talk to her to find out if the grandfather was still in the picture. He wasn't. He had passed away. And I just remember thinking at the time, "My gosh, there is such pain beyond the pain that I know where somebody maybe said something bad to me or my hair got caught in a fan. I was embarrassed or whatever." Just like, and I, and I. know I've mentioned to you that I do a lot of talks about sex trafficking and my son is very, very involved in that fight. And I've met two trafficked girls and heard their stories. And I think there is a pain and a rejection out there so incredibly difficult to comprehend, but they choose forgiveness. - Yeah. - And those that do, it's the only way. way they move on And it's the only way they get on with their lives. And so I think God commands it for a reason. Yes Been three. Yeah. Yes. Yes. There's so much freedom when we say It's done. Yeah, I forgive. Well Patrick just like Jesus. We are actually out of time Unfortunately, but this has been delightful and so where can our listeners get in touch with you? - Well, my website is a little faithlift .com. That's the name of my book. Okay, great. Or they can just email me if they want that. That is fine with me at larochepatti @gmail .com. Last name, first name at gmail .com. - That's wonderful. - And I'd like to hear from them. - Yeah, okay, let me just close in prayer for us, friends. And I hope you've been impacted by today's podcast because rejection feels awful, but there is hope when you choose forgiveness to move past it, it empowers you. And so we want you to hear that today. So let me just pray for you. Lord Jesus, we thank you for patty and her... story. We thank you for those moms who are listening today. And we pray, Lord, that you would give them the courage to forgive when maybe their child's been rejected or they have felt rejected in some way or another. Help them to return to joy through the journey of forgiveness, Lord. We pray that you would empower us to do that. In Jesus' name, amen. amen. Hey friend, thanks for joining us today for this episode of the Connect a Mom podcast. And we hope you're gonna join again next week for another episode where we'll have another conversation to help you connect with God, connect with your friends and connect with your child. And hey, if you liked today's episode, would you please share it with your friends? 'Cause I guarantee if you felt rejected at some point, you're fine. have as well. Thanks for joining us.