Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Social Isolation and Losing Friends After Divorce

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Social Isolation and Losing Friends After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just before we dive into this week's episode, I wanted to let you know, as a valued listener of the podcast, about something that I'm releasing soon in 2024, something that a few of you have asked me for.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a small group coaching programme, and when I say small, I mean really small for women and female identifying folk who are contemplating leaving a relationship or ending a marriage, moving through separation, navigating divorce, even healing and reorganising life and family afterwards.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a super supportive space to explore your options and receive the help and support you most need, a community and connection with others who know and understand firsthand exactly what you're going through.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Affordable and accessible with one-to-one coaching support with me in a small group setting.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll get specific expert tailored support with me as your coach because I intimately understand and have supported so many others through exactly what you're experiencing.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Experiencing I've got that real life lived experience on a personal and professional level.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there ahead of you and led many others along the same path.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to be a super super safe, confidential, small space to really openly share, understand, be supported, uplifted, and motivated to make hard decisions and not just thrive survive, but reclaim and liberate yourself to thrive afterwards.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sharing all of that with a small group of other women who really truly get what you're experiencing.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So be the first to know when I open it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a link in the show notes to join the wait list.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you think you might want in, I would really encourage you to join the wait list.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And now for this week's episode.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is sort of a part two following on from an episode titled Feeling Frozen Out After Divorce or Being Frozen Out After Divorce.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's also one that has been requested by a few people in my Instagram DMs.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so here we go.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is all about feeling socially isolated or actually being socially isolated after divorce.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of sort of otherwise known as where did all my friends go?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about unpacking that and also about coping with loss after divorce.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the most difficult and confusing, surprising, even devastating realities of divorce is the loss of so many significant relationships.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, you lose that relationship with the one person, your spouse, your husband, your wife, but the loss of that relationship is actually just the top of what can be a really long list of people who exit from your life.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Some slowly, incrementally, and some literally overnight.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You lose family.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You tend to lose relationships with your in-laws and your ex-partner's extended family.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you have kids, you actually lose time with your kids.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you lose up to half of your children's lives.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And while that can sound dramatic, there is real grief around that lost time.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Friends too.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Some friends or friendship groups will after your separation, after your divorce, be divided or lost.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some will choose a side, some will choose whose or which side to stay on, feeling that they can't be on both.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And a really hard reality for many, an unexpected casualty, is that later, once the dust settles, some of those you thought were your own friends will start to drop off because most likely they can't or don't want to face or don't have capacity or won't take the time to understand what is your new reality, and it can be painful, confusing, and leave you feeling socially isolated right at a time when you most need connection, nurture, community, love, care, and support.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So as harsh as it sounds, you will lose people, or if you're already experiencing it, you know you have lost people.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there are lots and lots of reasons, and one of them I think is that no one wants another option.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: No one wants to actually be confronted with what might be real or true for them.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You as a single person, me as a single person, just being present brings up that option as a possibility for others.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Being the one divorced or single person in the room in the group is threatening and confronting for the rest of the group.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Other people start to question themselves and their relationship.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe I am that too, maybe I want that.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my partner, husband, wife wishes that they could have or be that.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your presence, my presence, the presence of a single person brings up the possibility.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they will leave me, maybe I will leave them, maybe there is something more for me, and maybe I want that, or maybe my partner wants that.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they don't want to question themselves or their marriage, but they feel unsettled by your divorce and single status.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: They feel, you know, maybe personally threatened by the concept, by the idea that divorce is possible.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if it's possible, it's happening for you, it has happened for you and to you, it's possible for them too.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: For anyone, you know, locked in their own limiting beliefs about marriage and relationships and possibility, or maybe limited by their own cultural or religious, or even just limited by their own social conditioning, it can be really confronting and disorienting and destabilizing for anyone who's close to them to break out of that structure.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It can also be really confronting if someone is secretly unhappy in their marriage, in their relationship themselves.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And there is some evidence that divorce is contagious, not because it's catching in in itself, but because it creates this uncertainty among couples who start re-evaluating their own relationships and maybe looking at things that they haven't wanted to look at, confronting things that they haven't wanted to confront, and they find out things that perhaps they didn't want to face or know about.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So there is some evidence that there's a knock-on effect from of divorce through social circles.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Others don't want to think about or face or look too deeply at their relationship, and so you become isolated, not invited, not included.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You might also be seen as a threat, and I mean a real threat.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: As a newly divorced person, you're suddenly seen as eligible to your married or coupled friends.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes that's why invitations die off or disappear.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The sad reality is that no matter how strong you think your relationships with your coupled up social network is, they may give you a wide birth once you announce that you're leaving, separating, divorcing.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Often these coupled friends are really busy, legitimately busy with lives, work, children, themselves, their own relationships, all the things, and they don't actually realize how lonely and isolating divorce can be, especially those times when your kids, if you have kids, are with their other parent.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: One of my clients expressed it this way on the weekends when my kids are with their dad, especially after the first few weekends when everyone had seemed to rally around a bit, it was incredibly painful that after a decade of friendship, no one really could take or would take an hour or so to spend some time with me when I was so clearly in pain, hurting, lonely, and craving adult company and conversation with someone who wasn't five or seven years old.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And for some of you who are perhaps younger, perhaps without kids, you may be not that keen to get out there and hit the party scene, but you're also no longer being invited to those couple gatherings.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you fall through the cracks a little, and your coupled friends can forget or simply not see that.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be super isolating and incredibly lonely.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dive into the second part of the episode, this is just a reminder that there's always the opportunity to book a free intro call with me to explore coaching options.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: That might be one-on-one coaching or it might be my online multi-module self-paced course.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Please also feel free to jump into my Instagram DMs, ask a question, offer some feedback, and let me know what you would most like to hear about on upcoming episodes of the podcast.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So my suggestion here is create your own connection.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Become the driver of the connections, invite yourself, reach out and ask to be included and invited.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Flip side of that, invite them to join you.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Both your friends on solo adventures, catch-ups, as well as your coupled friends, invite them to join you, be the host and see where that leads.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And also reconnect with or seek out others who are single, others who are doing, moving through the same kind of season that you are.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And as I always say, choose those spaces, the activities, the adventures, the things that number one light you up, excite you, interest you, and number two, where you have the opportunity to connect with other people who may or may not be single, but you have the opportunity to connect with other humans who obviously like the same things you do because they're doing the things that you want to do, hanging out where you want to hang out.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason why we tend to end up more socially isolated, even if it's just for a season, just for a short period of time after divorce, is that divorce changes us.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: You will have changed.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you have more spare time now because your kids are with their other parent half of the time.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have less spare time, you will have changed, and your circumstances will have changed also.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, divorce is also polarizing and divisive.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Friends, family tend to choose a side, they tend to side with one partner or the other.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not impossible, it's not unheard of, it but it is rare for friends to maintain close connection or even contact with both partners.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So don't be surprised if your ex gets invited to places and you don't.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Still in 2024, there is that narrative, the social norm where if in heterosexual separations and divorces, the poor dad gets more support at times than the mum.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my own parents stepped in to support my ex-husband more than they did me because they wanted him to have quality time with our children when he was in the country.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: But also, women do tend to rally around one another more.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So do build your support team around you.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And also don't be surprised if people choose sides, making one of you wrong, casting one of you in the bad cat role, one is the good cop, one is the bad cop.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be surprised if people choose sides and you lose friends and social connection because of that.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Also, the world, our society is created, constructed for heterosexual couples with kids.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, still in 2024.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's changing, it's slow, but it's still structured around mum, dad, kids from the way our society expects us all to show up for work, although COVID and the pandemic has obviously shifted and changed that, to the expectations of how we are asked to show up at our kids' schools and events.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I could go on, our culture is couples-oriented, and this makes anyone not coupled, uncoupling, separating, divorced, divorcing, it puts us on the outer.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-oriented culture, and we like as humans to surround ourselves with those who are similar to us.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: So couples seek other couples.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: There can also be a sort of, I'm gonna use the word smugness.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's the flip side of the contagious theory.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: There can be this sort of smugness from married or coupled people, almost a looking down on those of us who aren't coupled up, like a we're still together, we are the winners of the magic marriage competition.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's another reason why we end up, or people after divorce end up feeling socially isolated because they don't want to opt into that narrative.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason is that friends may be trying their very best to stay neutral, to not take a side, siding with neither of you and therefore isolating themselves from both of you.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to be seen to be taking sides, so they don't, so they don't, they just don't, and they disengage from both of you.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You might not be invited because your friends don't actually know who or which of you to invite.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want you or your ex or particularly themselves to feel uncomfortable.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want you perhaps to be faced with your ex, and so they don't invite either of you.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: One way to offset this is to be on the front foot about it.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you say, invite us both, tell us you've invited us both, and we will make the decision about whether we both come or just one of us attends, or neither of us.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: In all of this is your choice that you get to actively and consciously choose who you continue to be connected with, even if friends or extended families seem to be choosing for you.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose to reach out and connect directly with them.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose not to, and you can choose to find, seek out, and connect with others, perhaps people you've lost contact or lost touch with, you can reconnect there, and you can actively look to find others who are in a similar situation.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: There are online groups you can join, and just as I said earlier, getting out and doing the things that you enjoy where you might connect with like-minded, values-aligned people can be really helpful if you are feeling socially isolated.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's likely you will lose some people.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's likely you will lose some friends, and it's highly likely that your social circles will shift and change.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: But you will gain new friends and you will strengthen existing bonds with those who really are your people.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, separation and divorce likely means you will lose people, you will lose connection and relationships beyond just your partner, but you'll also gain people.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: So don't be afraid of who you will lose if you choose to leave.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a big fan of saying be afraid of losing yourself if you choose to stay.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this conversation, this podcast episode has brought up anything for you that you would like deeper support with, please book a free intro call.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Connect with me on Instagram, follow along, DM me if there's anything you would like me to share on in future podcasts.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, thank you for being here.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode with somebody that you know who might feel supported by it.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until then