Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 1, Season 2: Sex & Intimacy Series: Attachment in the Sheets

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Episode 1, Season 2: Sex & Intimacy Series: Attachment in the Sheets · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Hey stranger, I know I miss you. I miss you
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: too so much.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: We don't ever get friend time. We were talking about that.
• 0:24
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• 0:26
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• 0:28
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• 0:29
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• 0:40
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• 0:43
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• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Yes, but it feels good to like have our logo
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• 0:55
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• 0:59
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• 1:00
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• 1:18
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• 1:19
  Speaker 2: Sorry, guys, we're moving up in the world. What can
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: I say?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it is what it is. But we
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: hope that with season two we're going to have just
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: so many awesome things to offer you guys.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: And that's amazing guests lined up we do.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really excited. But for this one, we want
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: to start with just us. Yes, and we're going to
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: do series. This series is our sex and Intimacy series.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: So season two, episode one for Sex and Intimacy, we're
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: going to talk about how each attachment style deals with
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: sex and intimacy. Yes, So where do you want to start?
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  Speaker 2: Which one? Well, let's start with the Anxious Preoccupied and
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: work our way back. Okay, So, if you watch the
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: episode on the Anxious Preoccupied or listen to the episode,
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  Speaker 2: we kind of went through the fact that these folks
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: are very boundaryless people and very codependent people, and they're
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: very hyper focused on what does my partner need from me?
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: How can I be more or better or enough of
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: what my partner wants? Because they deeply fear abandonment, and
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: so in terms of sex, usually that means that they
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: are open to whatever because they are so concerned with
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: making sure that their partner is happy so that they
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: don't end up abandoned. And I have met some anxious,
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: preoccupied folks and they've talked to me about how, you know,
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: I often don't want to have sex with my partner,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: but I do it because I know that it's what
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: makes them happy, and you know, I don't want to
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: be cheated on, et cetera, et cetera. And I mean,
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I remember going through that in my first marriage too,
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: and I think think that can absolutely be something that
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: the fearful avoidant who's very anxious also experiences.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like there's some crossover with it.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: There is, there is, and there's crossover with the DA too, right,
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: because fas have some wound of the anxious and some
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: wound of wounds of the avoidant. But they are usually
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: kind of, like I said, just down for whatever, and
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: they usually allow their partner to take the lead and
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: really focus on making sure that their partner is satisfied,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: but at their own detriment of their own satisfaction.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I think it can be really dangerous because I think
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: what it could potentially lead to is the more anxious
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: partner may be agreeing to some taboo things that they
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: don't really want to do. And I know I experienced
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: this in my relationship, and then it leads to the
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: whole vicious cycle of shame, internalized shame, and not feeling
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: emotionally safe sexually with your partner. And so I think
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  Speaker 1: for the more anxious of the attachment styles, it can
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  Speaker 1: just be so detrimental to the relationship, of course, but
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: also to the relationship to self.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely, it does cause a ton of internalized shame
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  Speaker 2: when you cross your own sexual boundaries, and so I
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: think it's important for our listeners to understand that you
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: have to have your own personal physical boundaries and there
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: should be no shame attached to those things. If someone
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: wants to push those, that's fundamental incompatibility, right, because I mean,
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: and then people want to come back with the whole
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: like biblical you know, be submissive to your husband type
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  Speaker 2: of thing, and I think that that gets taken so
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  Speaker 2: much out of context. Yes, it says we are to
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  Speaker 2: submit our bodies to our spouses, but that is dependent
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  Speaker 2: upon the safe covenant of marriage. That's assuming that everyone
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  Speaker 2: is inside the covenant, that they are abiding by the covenant,
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  Speaker 2: which means you are loving your partner in the way
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: that they need to be loved, You are creating emotional safety,
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  Speaker 2: you are meeting their needs regularly, and both partners are
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  Speaker 2: doing that. That scripture is predicated on the covenant functioning
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  Speaker 2: as it's supposed to function. And so if someone's outside
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: of the covenant, maybe they're abusive or actually neglectful, or
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: they've been unfaithful or whatever, you you should know that
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: you don't have to then open up your body and
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: be vulnerable in that way with them and be submissive
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: because they haven't created the safety of that covenant relationship.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think that's where a lot of people
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  Speaker 1: get it wrong. I know that's where I got it wrong.
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  Speaker 1: And I think I got it wrong just leading up to,
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  Speaker 1: you know, the relationship with my ex in general, where
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I never really and I think this is a this
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: is going to be profound for our listeners in terms
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: of the advice you can give. You know, what's the secret,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: what's the what are the like tips and tricks to
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  Speaker 1: really be able before you go into a relationship like marriage,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: to learn how to find like sexual emotional safety within
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: yourself so that you don't make those mistakes, so that
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: you don't just give it all away.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, especially for females, there has been some
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  Speaker 2: societal conditioning around like that are our sexuality is this
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  Speaker 2: like trump card that we can play? And so if
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: you are not able to get the attention or affection
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: from the male partner that you are interested in, then
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: pull out the trump card, right, because that's going to
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: give you some connection. Because you know, statistically men are
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: more likely to have more sexual partners and to be
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  Speaker 2: open more sexually to having sex outside of close relationships,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: et cetera. But that's a dangerous game to play. You
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: have to be able to really know what you feel
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  Speaker 2: comfortable doing if there is an uncertain outcome, like if
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: you're not married to the person. Right. So, you know,
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  Speaker 2: when I was dating my husband, I pretty much told
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: him we're not doing anything sexual, anything sexual until we
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: are an official couple, because I just I just did
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: a lot of healing work. I went through the hardest
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  Speaker 2: time of my life, and I'm just not willing to
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: test out how resilient I am in that area, right,
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  Speaker 2: I'm willing to go, I'm not willing to go backwards.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, in my walk with God, I even
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: told him I wanted to wait until marriage and he
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  Speaker 2: was okay with that, and it was something that felt
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  Speaker 2: really beautiful because here's the thing. It's like, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: not trying to dog on the men here, but a
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  Speaker 2: lot of men and there's actual science behind this which
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: is really incredible. That rapport that they don't know in
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  Speaker 2: the beginning of a dating relationship if they actually like
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: the girl that they're dating, or if they just want
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: to sleep with her, like they can't differentiate it interesting, yeah,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: because they have their hormones levels in the beginning of
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: dating relationships are very high, specifically vasappressin, which is a
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: hormone that is the protector hormone. It makes a man
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  Speaker 2: sort of want to claim a woman, right, and so
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: they have that like churning, right, and so they have
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  Speaker 2: this like, oh, she's mine, like caveman type reaction going
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  Speaker 2: on in their body. But then all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 2: when they have sex, vasapressin declines and then they get
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  Speaker 2: this like clarity of like, oh, maybe I don't really
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  Speaker 2: feel that way about her, right, And then we have
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  Speaker 2: someone LED's the female whose oxytocin, which is the female
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  Speaker 2: bonding hormone, rises during sexual intimacy. So we have a
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  Speaker 2: real mismatch there, right for men, you know, their vacapressant
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  Speaker 2: is decreasing while a woman's oxytocin is increasing. So there
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  Speaker 2: was actually, in the research a really strong moderating factor
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  Speaker 2: in this relationship between vasa pressing and sexual intimacy, and
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: that was is there a previously established emotional connection present?
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  Speaker 2: And I think that that actually prevented vasapressin from really declining.
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  Speaker 2: So if the emotional connection was established first, vasapressin didn't plummet.
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  Speaker 2: We just need to listen to this, yes, right, And
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  Speaker 2: so I find that to be really interesting, very interesting
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  Speaker 2: because that just I mean, it really aligns with like weight.
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  Speaker 1: Weight, Yeah, wait, hold out, hold.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: Out girls, yeah, and yeah guys to hold out. Respect
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: yourselves too. I'm not saying there's not women out there
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  Speaker 2: that are just out, you know.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, there definitely are, I definitely believe, right.
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  Speaker 2: And I think more women tend to be anxious preoccupied,
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  Speaker 2: or I should say more anxious preoccupied folks tend to
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: be women. So I think there's a correlation there as
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: well that that attachment style is particularly at risk for
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  Speaker 2: crossing their own sexual boundaries, for having sex too early
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  Speaker 2: than they're comfortable with.
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  Speaker 1: Putting a high emphasis on sex too. I think, yes,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I can think about my friends that are aps,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, they put a lot of emphasis on
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  Speaker 1: sex because I think they feel like that's what's really
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: important to their partner.
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  Speaker 2: Right, It's all about how can I be what they
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: want me to be?
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: And what about you, girl?
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Right? What about you?
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: What about you? What feels good to you? What feels
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: comfortable to you? And then there's also some data that
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: suggests that this attachment style is less likely to speak
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: up about their sexual ones and needs in terms of
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: inside of the sexual relationship, what makes them feel good? Right,
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  Speaker 2: they're more concerned again about I don't want to hurt
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: my partner's feelings or be honest with them if you know,
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: it doesn't feel good to me. They just kind of
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: let whatever happen happen, and.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: They don't even know, they don't even realize it, Like
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: they don't even realize they're not even meeting their own needs. Yeah,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: because they're so consumed with you know, they just think
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: that they're chameleons.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: You know, they are very much chameleons. You know, I
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: will step into a relationship as an anxious preoccupied and
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: I very much all of my attention is on, Okay,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: what how can I twist myself into the right shape
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: of pretzel for this person?
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah? You like this?
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I like that too? Yeah, yeah, even if you've never
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: done it before, right, No, I like that too. Yeah.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: And I mean I have witnessed this specifically with some
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: friends that are in that dynamic. So what about the Well,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: we've kind of covered the fearful avoidant because.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: I yeah, so they have very Again, they have very
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: high trait variability. So we have fear full avoidance that
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: lean more anxious. We have ones that lean more avoidant. However,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: they tend to act in opposition to their partner, so
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: and they can flip flop, right, depending upon what's going
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: on in their relationship. I would say more anxious fas
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: if they feel like their needs are being met and
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: they feel like there's a degree of emotional safety, they
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: are very They're much more comfortable in their own skin
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: sexually because they have a lot of how do I
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: want to say this, they're very in touch with their
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: own internal emotions and they understand their own complexity, right,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: and so they can kind of be more honest about
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: what do I want, what feels good to me. They're
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: more likely to be able to hold up a sexual
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: boundary or to just say no, I don't prefer that,
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: or I want this, or I want that.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: And I feel like I've been able to experience that
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: now that I have i'm in a secure relationship. Yes, absolutely,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I've been able to speak up and really talk about
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: what feels good to.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: Me, right, Yes, absolutely, And that's really important.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: When a fearful avoidant jumps into their avoidant side, they're
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: very deactivated. They are then kind of cut off and
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: suppressed from their own emotional experience. They're often very unwilling
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: to participate in a sexual relationship because if they have
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: gone into that deactivation, it's because they have felt emotionally unsafe.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: It's because they have felt that betrayal wound really kick
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: up and things usually are not going well in the
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: relationship usually.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I can even relate to this because I
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: remember just becoming completely like just not physically attracted to
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Paul anymore. Yeah, just was not like I would look
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: at him and it was like discussed yeah, like total ick.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because when someone treats you so poorly your body,
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: this is especially true for women, your body stops responding sexually.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: You can't you know, you can't be physically vulnerable. I mean,
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: having sex is like the most physically vulnerable thing you
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: can do, right, and there are a lot of big
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: things that can come out of that. And so you
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: want to be able to choose partners that are safe
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: emotionally so that you can open up your body in
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: that way. And I'll never forget. Like that was my
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: first mega, mega viral moment on social media when I
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: made that first, very first video of why women won't
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: have sex with their husbands, and I'm you know, I
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: made an earlier version of that video that went pretty viral,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: but the second version I made a year or two later,
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: got like thirty million reposts on Twitter. It was crazy.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I was just talking about that video yesterday with my
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: ma Souse because she was mentioning like it was just ironic.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: I said your name. She was like, oh my gosh,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I just listened to our podcast on Bunny's podcast, and
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like yeah, and so we were just talking, and
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: I was talking about the video that went viral, and
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I was like, some men got mad.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: They got mad because what they wanted to hear was
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: but I do the dishes, but I I buy her everything,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: but I do this, but I do that. I'm like, yeah,
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: but what's the emotional climate?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: Are you meeting her attachment needs?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: And they're like, well, if I have to solve this puzzle,
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: like I don't want to have to put in that work, Okay,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: then don't let me help you. Yeah, or you can
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: just listen and let an expert tell you how to
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: fix this situation, because for the most part, these things
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: can be repaired absolutely. If attachment needs start getting met
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: and people start feeling safer, their attraction comes back. It
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: can come back.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: You've seen I've seen it.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: So many times, and so it's like, why wouldn't you
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: want to try? You shouldn't be in that mindset of like, well,
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: why do I have to be the change? Why can't
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: they just give me what I need? And it's you know,
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: there's that whole like vicious cycle where it's like, well,
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: I can't be emotionally available to you if you're not
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: having sex with me. But you won't have sex with
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: me because I'm not emotionally available to you. Yeah, sorry, dude,
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: But you have to be the one to change first,
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: because you can't expect a woman to violate her sexual
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: boundaries not feeling safe. You know, emotional safety has to
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: come first. So I hate to say it, but if
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: that's the situation, you need to provide more safety emotionally.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: You can't expect them to just like cringe through having
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: sex and feeling their bodily autonomy being totally violated. It
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: feels like rape. That's what they report. That's what my
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: clients report to me when they actually do cross their
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: own boundaries in that way.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, I can I can attest to that as well.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and so like that's psychologically damaging, and so I
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: just I don't understand that mentality of no, she needs
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: to give it first. And again, can this can be
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: in reverse. I have seen women come and say my
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: husband won't touch me. I've had plenty of clients that
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: say that. And so it's not just women that are
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: shutting down sexually. Men can shut down sexually as well,
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: and particularly fearful avoid or not fearful avoidant, but dismissive avoidant.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Men often shut down sexually over time.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, I've heard that too.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: And the reason that is is because they kind of
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: feel like it's sex becomes another expectation, and they're very
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: triggered by having expectations placed upon them, and they're very
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: much focused on keeping their own autonomy and their own independence,
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: and they don't want to feel co worced or forced
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: or pressured. And so if they have a partner that
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: they feel like is sort of starts to pressure them sexually,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: oftentimes they'll shut down and they'll go cold sexually.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, it doesn't that's just I think that just
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: shows that, you know, the male can have very similar
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: experiences in terms of not feeling emotionally safe.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Want to yeah, but they're the least able to describe
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: why they feel emotionally unsafe, Like if their partner's like, well,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: what's the deal, they can't really put words to it.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: They're like, I don't know, I just I don't need
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: it as much as you do, or you know, they
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: they will almost blame shift back to their partner like well,
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: you just want it too much, or you just you know,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: you know, we're getting older and we don't you know,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: that's just not how it is anymore. But actually, actually
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: the research shows that, and of course correlation doesn't equal causation,
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: but the happiest couples, even up into their seventies and
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: early eighties, are having sex two to three times a week. Dang, Grandpa,
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: get you some, Yeah, Granny. And my husband and I
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: joke about that too, that we're gonna pre book our
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: retirement home experience somehow. We're gonna try to find a
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: way to prepay for like a nice Florida retirement home
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: and just put us in the same room, and we're
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: gonna be doing it like rabbits.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Make sure you have privacy. Yeah, you know, I hope
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: I experienced that too, you know, And I think that
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: that's really the way that it should be. As you
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: grow older and you grow closer and you grow more intimate,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: sex should become more often and more enjoyable, I.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Think, because yeah, I mean, of course, we face physical limitations.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: Both men and women face physical limitations. Women struggle with,
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: you know, thinner vaginal skin and vaginal dryness as a
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: result of dropping estrogen, and that can make sexually painful,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: and also during perimenopause and menopause, women's sexual desire tends
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: to drop some. But again, there's lots of natural remedies
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: for that. There's prescription and medical remedies for that. If
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: you seek knowledgeable providers and you kind of keep working
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: at it, those things usually can be turned around. And
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: so the physical limitations of aging shouldn't hold us back.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: We should be able to use what's available to us
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: to you know, assist with those issues. Of course, men
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: are more likely to face things like edy with higher
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: blood pressure and taking blood pressure medication that can have
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: edy as a side effect, or you know, just growing older.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I think there's so much more though with you know,
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: sex and to missy then obviously just the physical aspect
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: of it. So you know, even for people I think
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: maybe experiencing some of those physical ailments, I'm not, by
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: no means a sex expert, but you know, there's just
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: so many other ways that you can physically connect. Yeah,
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: without the actual penetration.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I've had several couples that just do naked time together,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: like naked cuttle time together.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: God, hold on, I have to tell a side story
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: because this makes me think of something that just makes
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: me laugh. Because you have to know, my dad which Sarah,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Oh god, I have to know my dad who has
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: absolutely zero filters, but he rick. Yeah. We were talking
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: one day. It was him and his wife Suzanne, and
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: Josh and me and they were at the house, you know,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: just having a lovely conversation, and my dad randomly chimes
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: in and was like, yeah, so we've been doing something new.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: He's like, we've been doing naked Sundays. And I was like,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, Eddie, it's that's t M I. You know, like,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: you know, no matter how old you get, you're like
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: t M I, t M I. He's like, no, it's
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: been real great, real invigorating. And I was like, well,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: just remind me not to stop by on says. And
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: so it was really funny because Josh, after you left,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: after my dad left, Orsh was like, yeah, those naked Sundays,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: that sounds like a pretty good deal, Like can we
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: can we maybe do that? And I was like, absolutely not,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: because my dad has ruined it for me. So no,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: naked Sundays are never going to happen because I cannot.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Like so when you said naked time, I'm sorry, I
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: just naugh naked Sundays. And I was just reminded of
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: my dad's you know.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: Oh gosh, get it out of your head, back of the.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Elser at all. So but anyway, yeah, naked Sundays, naked time.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: I mean that's beautiful.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Yes, And just the art of kissing yea is lost too.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: I feel like it is.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm big on that. I'm a big I
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: want to make out me too, you know, and like
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: let me, let me warm up a little bit.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: Skinned to skin is such a beautiful thing. Yes, And
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: there's crave Josh's skin on my skin.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Well, there's a lot of hormonal reactions that happen when
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: we have skinned skin contact. I mean, that's why newborns
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: are supposed to have skin to skin contact with their mothers,
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: because we do have more oxytocin dumps when we have
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: skin to skin contact, and we have you know, physical coregulation.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: And I know I've mentioned this before on a previous episode,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: but gosh, we've done so many now it's hard to remember,
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: so sorry if I repeat myself. But when we have
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: prolonged contact like hugs and you know, skin to skin contact,
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: our body can start to coregulate with our partners, so
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: our heart beats can kind of start to sync up,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: our blood pressure starts to regulate more. You know, we
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: feel a real deep relaxation of the nervous system. A
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: hug is like a way blanket. I mean, that's why
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: we have weighted blankets, because we first studied the effects
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: of prolonged hugging, and we know that it increases serotonin,
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: it increases gabba, which is the breaks of your nervous system,
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: and so you know, we get this real calming effect. However,
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: there are folks that like the dismissive avoidance who might
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: struggle more with that because and this is really sad,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: but I read a study where it is so sad,
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: But I read a study where dismissive avoidance have decreased
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: oxytocin receptors because they were not given as much physical
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: affection as children. And so whatever. The brain is always
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: trying to seek homeostasis, okay, And so it's like when
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: you are supposed to be getting this physical affection as
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: a kid, you have all these oxytocin receptors which catch
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: and you use the oxytocin, right, and then when you
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: aren't pumping out as much oxtin because you're not getting
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: physical affection, your brain just reduces the number of receptors
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: and so then if you start trying to get it
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: as adults, you don't get the benefit of it. And
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: it almost feels bad to you because you don't have
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: the receptors that are actually using oxytocin that is being
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: pumped out.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: That's not say, it's sad and it's just crazy. How
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: the humans your.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: Kids, ma'am, Hug your kids, kiss your kids, hug your kids.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: Go sleep with your kids. Anybody tell you that bad?
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I did too, Yeah, and I don't have any regrets there.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: No, absolutely not. So, yes, we are actually meant to
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: go sleep with our kids. We are one of the
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: only societies, the one of the only societies that do
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: not sleep.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Now, it might affect your sex, sex and intimacy with
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: your host.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: And you'll have to get more creative.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: There's a double edged sword there, all right.
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: But I think there's been this whole medical scare of
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: you can't put your babies in the bed with you,
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: And yes, of course there might be some risks, but
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: there are safe yeah ways to co sleep. I mean
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: they have the side little beds now and I think
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: it even a bassinet next to your bed and then
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: when they're when they're past that stage, stick them right
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: in there with you.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: And you know, it's just whatever works for you. You know,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: if it works for you and it works for your family,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: and it makes sense for you and it makes sense
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: for your family, then that's the right answer. Like, don't
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: let society, society or anybody else tell you that it's wrong,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: because I do think that it could probably affect sex
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: and intimacy with you know, your partnership, your partner when
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: you do have you know, children climbing in your bed.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: But like you said, you just kind of got to
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: get creative.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so give them a bed and then they'll never
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: use it and then sneak into their room while they're
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: asleep in your bed and have sex in their way
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: because they're not sleeping in that bed anyway.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what you gotta do. You gotta get creative
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: or I don't know, take a drive, I don't get
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: a babysit or whatever, you know, and.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: Way ever it takes, there are ways.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: There are ways, because I know that you know, I
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: mean that kind of brings up another subject because I
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: think that you know, couples, younger couples who are, you know,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: new parents, and maybe they had this really exciting relationship
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: beforehand sexually, and then all of a sudden there's this
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: child or children, and sex kind of plummets. Yeah, and
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: that's a that's a hard that's hard too.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, I mean, postpartum is extremely difficult, and obviously being
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: a new mother can be extremely difficult. Nobody can prepare
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: you for what it's like to have a kid. Nobody.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: So for those childless people out there that are like
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: planning to have children, nobody can prepare you for it. Sorry,
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: your dog doesn't count. I hate to tell you that
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: it does not count.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: It doesn't nobody My pets but rights the same, right.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: I remember I was with my brother one time, and
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I don't know what we were doing. We were visiting
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: each other, and he was telling me this story about
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: his neighbor and how they were like a really young,
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: you know, yuppie couple, like in their early twenties, and
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: my brother had just had his first baby, my niece,
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: and of course they were in the thick of the
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: like the newborn baby stage, and they were like, oh, yeah,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: like we're thinking about having kids, but you know, we've
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: had a dog for like two years and you know,
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: so we feel like fully prepared. And my brother was like, yeah,
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: but if your dog gets hit by a car, like,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: you're gonna get over it, and we're okay, if your
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: kid gets hit by a car, like, you're never gonna
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: be the same.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're never.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: It's not the same. It's not the same.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Just like again, the body for the female you know
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: who gives birth, like the body goes through something. I
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: think that's just it's a whole different level. I mean, listen, parenting,
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: which we've done episodes on, and that's not what this
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: episode is about. But nobody prepares you for any of
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: the stage.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: Now, no you can't. You have to just go through
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: it yourself and be like, dang, it's brutal, man, it's brutal.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Sun graduates in a week, guys, And I just this again,
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: this episode is not about parenting, but I just want
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: to give a shout out to all the parents that
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: have graduates this time of year and are in this
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: season of life where you're having to let go. And
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I'm just giving you a virtual hug because I just
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: you just don't know who you know.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: But you know what, now you and Josh can just
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: do it whenever you're not going to be anytime. That's
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: exactly naked.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: That's right. There's no like random gage door opening. And
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: my son, you know, because our room is right off
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: you know, the front door, right, and so we have
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: to always be very careful.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: We got four kids.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. We have to turn up the TV
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: so loud and then just be really quiet, yeah, to
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: not traumatize our children, and obviously lock the door and
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: we wait till they go to bed. But still, I mean,
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: you never know the walls they talk, yeah, I mean,
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: and of course we have little ones. But we have
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: a rule, like you have to knock and be invited in.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: That's everybody's rule. That's we have a major privacy rule
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: in our house for all the kids. And that it
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: means it's the same for us with them and then
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: with us. You know, everybody knocks and has to be
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: invited in because everybody deserves their privacy. And so if
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: you do have kids and you're struggling with your sex life,
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: once they get old enough to know a boundary of no,
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: you have to be invited into somebody's room. Everybody's bedroom
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: is their private space right and everybody is has the
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: right to their privacy.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I think that's a great rule. I think that is
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: a beautiful boundary. It is because a consequence if they
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: barge in to their to be traumatized. No either way,
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: And I mean because interesting enough. I have stories for both. No. No, oh, yeah,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: I walked in on my son. Yeah, that's I mean,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: it was and it was just like I can't explain it.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: The only thing I wanted to do afterwards, and I know.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: You know, I gouge your eyeballs out.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: I wanted to punch a wall. I don't know, I
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: wanted to like run my fist through a wall. That
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: was just and Josh was like, what's wrong with cause
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: I like just came upstairs really abruptly and it was
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: late like and you know, and it was like their
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: prom night, and so I just had randomly like gone
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: down there to make sure that he was getting leaving
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: to take her home, you know, like it's time, like buddy,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: it's time, you need y'all need to go. And so
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: I went down there. Anyway, I don't want to rethink
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: it too much, so but I just wanted to like
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: punch a pillow. It was like not this angry, like
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: punch a pillow just like I wanted to, like I
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: don't know, like you know, the men in black tool
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: where I was one of those men in black holes
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: where I just like you did this and like it
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: erased my memory. So I mean that happened probably just
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: like you know, a couple of months ago. But then
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: I had an experience again with my dad, Levey Daddy,
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: which is just another funny story where I was probably
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: nineteen or twenty. My parents had been divorced for a
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: couple of years and my dad, you know, was dating
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: someone seriously but I had never met her. And I
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: was coming home to pick up a vehicle to go
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: on spring break college spring break. Had no idea that
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: his girlfriend, his new girlfriend, was there. So of course
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I just barge in my dad's house, you know, I'm
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: like daddy, you know, and they don't hear me, and
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I go to the back bedroom and open it up
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: and there lays my dad And.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: That's like the episode of the Righteous Jim.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: It was awful, and like I just like dart out
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: the front door, like just take off running, you know,
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: because the image is just ah. And then I run
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: out the front door, and here's my dad like running
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: out after me, like tying up his robe. And this
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: is the best part, guys, This is the funniest part.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like standing on his front porch, you know, face
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: and hands, just like totally mortified. And he walks up
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: behind me and he puts his arm around me and
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: he says, baby, daddies have sex too. I was just sorry.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: It's twenty years old, guys, and so I'm just saying
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: it trumps as your children.
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: My dad was, and so more all of the story.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: Be careful around your children.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, but still make time for sex.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Still make time for sex. Sex is so important. I
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: get a question probably once a week in my groups
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: that is sex and need. Yes it is. It is
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: a human need, equivalent to sleeping and needing.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was gonna say air, Yeah it is.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: And a lot of people are surprised by that because
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: when you lose your sex drive, because yeah, I was
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: in a relationship where I totally lost my sex drive
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: because of the lack of safety, right, And then they
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: want to fight their partners like, well, it's not really
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: a need. You can live without it. It's like, well, yeah,
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: you can live without it, but you're enough. You might
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: not feel good, and you feel a whole lot better
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: when sex.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: Makes everything better. It does, like afterwards, I'm like la daa,
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: like the birds are churving that you like. I mean,
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: if you don't have that experience, I hope that everyone
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: does get.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: That hall I know, but so many people don't. So
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: many people I talk to so many people that are
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: just like I just do it to do it. I
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: do it to make them happy. I don't enjoy it.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: I don't feel anything with it. Which listen, folks, we're
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: going to get some people on here that are gonna
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: help you out.
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: That's okay, that's right. We're gonna get some specialists.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: But I think if it doesn't feel good to you,
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: you need to be vulnerable and honest and don't be like,
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: well what you do doesn't feel good, because that absolutely
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: will crush your partner. But what you can say is, hey,
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: you know, I think I want to try this, Yeah,
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: and just put it out there.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: And I know it's hard because there's always the opportunity
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: for judgment or for rejection. But hopefully I pray that
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: you guys find your secure attachment and you end up
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: in secure relationships. Well, you're not going to be judged.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: And that's the kicker, right, Like, that's the point of
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: it all, is like, because when you really talk about
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: past the physical part of sex, the intimate part of sex,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: like it really takes safety, it does, and security, yes,
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: and it takes usecure partner coming together with another secure partner.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: And that's why achieving your attachment security is so important.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: Right because you when you're secure, you do crave sex
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: with your partner. You gave that intimate connection that only
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: sex can bring. And yes, I mean, oh my gosh,
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: my husband and I are extremely emotionally vulnerable. Like I've
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: told him my deepest, darkest secrets and I know his
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: deepest darkest secrets, and you know, we've we've really had
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: a lot of deep, deep emotional intimacy. But the sexual
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: intimacy brings something else to the table that emotional intimacy
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: just can't bring. It's like what separates you from a
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: being a friend, right, Right, It's like it separates So
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: if you're in a relationship and you're not having sex
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: or any kind of sexual contact, then you're friends, right,
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: You're just your friends, your buddies.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, very true, and.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: So that confuses me when people are like, well, is
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: it necessary, yes, otherwise you're in a roommate situation that
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: you just might really like.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: I just I've always felt like the physical part with
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: Josh is really there are many things that make us one,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: but it's like the ultimate thing that makes us worse.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: And that's the way Go'm designed it.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and like that's when I feel just like where
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: it all comes together is in the bedroom, yeah, you know,
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, and where it all feels like home and
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: it feels good.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: And isn't your husband so happy afterwards? They're so freaking
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: happy after they have sex, they like literally will pick Yeah.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I mean it changes my way of course. It's just
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: it's even in the times where I might be too tired,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: you know, or like afterwards, I'm like, I'm so glad.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: I never regret it. No, Like I might not be
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: like at first, like yeah, like I'm tired, or you know,
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: I've been working out really hard, I'm really sore or whatever,
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: but then it's like once the ball gets rolling, then I'm.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: Just like, oh, yeah, we're doing this. We do this
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: more often exactly. We always ask each other that question.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: We're like after it's over, we're like, why don't we
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: do this more often? It's like, well, we don't see
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: each other that much.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's why here, guys, is scheduling issue.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: We're like, yeah, we're just you know, I mean, sometimes
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: it just works out that way. It's better now that
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: he's on days, of course, but because you know, I mean,
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: that's a really important thing, like actually going to bed
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: with your partner.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: It's huge, and I actually that's one of the things
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: that I often tell my clients to do in terms
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: of intervention, is get up together and go to bed together,
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: have a routine in the morning together, and have a
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: routine in the evening together. And I know that you
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: may have a different sleep schedule than your partner, but
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: you can still make it work. Like my husband and I,
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: we get ready for bed together, you know, we get
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: in bed together, we have some time talking or you know,
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: sexy time or whatever it is.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: It usually leads to sexy time.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's asleep in like five minutes, and I will
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: stay up and watch TV because I never ever, you
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: know me, I never get alone time ever. The only
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: time I I'm ever alone ever.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: Really sick of it because it's in my part, I'm
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: gonna start being selfish with you. I know you're going
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: to be like Donald, leave her alone. I just went
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: one hour of shopping.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: What hour of Oh my gosh, should we try to
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: go shopping on Mother's Day? My oldest was.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: Calling thirty two minutes later, thirty two.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: Minutes of alone time?
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah is what I got, Collin Sarah Donald's Colin Sarah.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: And I'm just like, no, I would never get mad
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: at that, but.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: Now ever, Yeah, no, I love I understand of my family,
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: understand it. But sometimes it is nice to have friend time.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: And you need friends.
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: You need a balance in your marriage, you need a
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: balance in your life. And my life is just I'm
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: in a season with all these kids, so it's good,
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: it's all good.
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: But I'm in a season of letting my kid go. Yeah,
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: I can't wait till her in the same season.
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: I know, Well, you got a long wait, baby girl,
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: even more years.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: No, what am I gonna do for eleven years?
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, travel whatever, have a lot of Yeah, literally what.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: You want, I'm not gonna don't worry. Josh, and I
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: did think about the bet. I finally let that go.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: I'm good, Okay, I'm good.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you changed your hair color for a while. That
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: got you through it.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: I think, yeah, I change my hair color and get
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: some extensions, you know anything.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know. I have a lot of couples who
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: are very much One person wants to have another child
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: and the other person definitely does not, And it is
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: a huge point of contention, and a lot of times
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: the other person doesn't want to have a child because
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: the marriage isn't good. Yeah, right, And I think there
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: is a drive for the person wanting the child kind
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: of thinking it's going to make things better. When it doesn't,
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: it makes things worse because any outside stressors pull from
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: your self regulatory gas tank, and self regulation is at
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: the heart of secure attachment. Regulating your own nervous system
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: allows you to present as a secure person instead of
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: someone who launches into a trauma response when they're triggered.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: And so when you add external stressors, it does become
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: harder to show up secure. So if you're already struggling
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: in your relationship, having another child is definitely not a
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: good idea, And.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: If you're struggling with sex and intimacy, it's definitely not either.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: It's not no, you need to make that really solid
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: because yeah, babies put a din in it a little bit.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, for sure. So if you are looking
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: for your secure attachment, and honestly if you're just looking
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: for more sex and intimacy in your relationship, stay tuned.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: First off, because we are going to have some fantastic
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: guests on for this series. And go check out doctor
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: Hansley Si.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, I would be happy to save your sex life
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: by helping you guys fix your attachment issues because if
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: you can meet your partner's attachment needs, you'll be so
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: surprised at how their sex tried. Is the trues It
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: is the foundation absolutely.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: I mean we can bring in some specialists and some
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: sex you know, some sex specialists through therapists, but I
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: think ultimately attachment is like the foundation of so much.
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: So much. It affects so much in our lives.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I mean specifically our.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: Specifically in our romantic relationships, but in our parenting journey
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: and in our journey with our a family of origin,
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: and you know how we view the world.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: That's right, So go check out Doctor Hensley Services. And
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: also while you're edit, go check out our affiliate to Armor.
• 40:29
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• 40:36
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• 40:40
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• 40:44
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, it is a fantastic all around supplement, but definitely
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: if you have the tummy issues, because let's face it,
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: those of us with trauma, we're gonna have tummy issues.
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: It is a game changer. I have a issue much improved.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: I'll be honest, tummy issues have affected my sex life.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: Like at times I've been like, my stomach hurts, baby,
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: you know. So, I mean armor can can help that
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: That's right, So go check them out. Have some delicious
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• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Peach, peach my listening, Yes, and I've got the Apricot
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  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do the peach next. So Love Doc for
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  Speaker 1: fifteen percent off. And then, of course, for all of
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  Speaker 1: twenty seven for twenty seven percent off any of doctor
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: Hinsley's services, her hybrid group coaching, her courses, and yeah,
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: it's very generous, so of course, and then bump bump bom.
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: We finally, I'm not gonna lie, guys. I'm still figuring
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: it out, but we do have our Patreon's account and
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: so go check that out as well at patreons dot com.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: Flash the Love Dog Podcast.
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: Yes, right, And it's like texting me at like ten
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: at night, did you get a code? Yeah? And I'm
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: setting up our Patreons.
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: This is lot because this is this is my life.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: Like I usually start working, like I run all my errands,
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: you know, in the morning, like I go work out,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: I like run my errands, and then I come home
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: and sometimes it's like not till one, you.
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: Know when I first that started the blessing of having
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: your life.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: It's beautiful. I mean, I was just I mean, Josh
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: and I talked pillow Talk last night. We were talking
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: about just how grateful it is to be able to
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: live this life where I get to make my own
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: schedule and work when I can and work when I want,
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: and you know, ultimately get to change people's lives while
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: I do it. It's just such a beautiful gift and
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I never want to take it for granted. And I'm
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: just so grateful. I even told Josh was like if
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: I ever have to go back to like the life
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: I lived before I die, I might physically die. I know.
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: I was thinking God on the way here, just like,
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: thank you God, you gave me such an amazing life,
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: and I feel so unworthy of this opportunity and this platform.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: But all I want to do is make sure that
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: I serve God to the best of my ability and
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: teach others what He wants them to know about how
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: to love.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's all I want, and that is the ultimate mission.
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: And that's the mission that we and our wish and
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: our prayer for every single one of you is to
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: have healthy, secure love. So you need help get in there.
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: Go check out doctor Hensley services at the lovedoc to
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: help you the lovedoc dot com and please, guys, continue
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: to tune in and until next time, peace, love and perspective. M.