Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Simple Self-Love During Divorce & Beyond - Part 1

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Simple Self-Love During Divorce & Beyond - Part 1 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

0:07
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: And today's episode is about simple self-love during divorce or breakup and beyond.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: There is a reason why I list as number one in my top tips to help you navigate your separation, your divorce, your transition to single life.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: Why I list self-love as the number one of my top tips during what is one of life's most highly stressful, emotionally charged times, your separation, your divorce, self-care is not a luxury.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: It is not a luxury, it is an absolute necessity.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to show up as the best version of yourself, not just for yourself, but for your kids if you have them.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: If you need to be able to navigate this with as much grace and self-compassion as you can, and to do that, we need to extend love towards ourselves.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: We need to really look after ourselves so that we can look after everything else.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Be that children, be that the organizational admin stuff that needs to happen for divorce, be that having difficult conversations with our ex, our children, our family.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: We need to be self-compassionate and we need to be deeply, deeply self-loving.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Because if you fall apart, so does everything else.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: Caring for yourself generally, but also caring and loving yourself in the really stressful time that is separation, that is the whirlwind of divorce, is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: Again, I want to say it is not a luxury, it's a necessity.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: You need to love yourself up as much as you can so that you can do what needs to be done.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Be kind to and nurture yourself in positive and healthy ways beyond just taking care of the basics like getting enough sleep, following a mostly healthy diet, exercise, mindset work, mindfulness or meditation.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: There's a multitude of ways that you can show yourself love, care, and compassion.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: And yes, sure, you can splurge on weekends away, spar treatments, massages, many pedties, all this stuff.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: But here, here are some simple and low-cost ways you can care for yourself and offer yourself a dose of healthy love every single day, not only during your divorce, but beyond.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: So let's get into this first 15 top tips for simple self-love and self-care during divorce and beyond.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: And I say first because I'm going to do a two-part series.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: There are lots and lots and lots of tips I have.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: So this is number one of two.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: First tip: get barefoot.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: Get your bare feet onto the earth, onto the grass, onto the dirt, onto the set, the sand at the beach, even the mud and the stones.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: As someone born with the healthy skepticism of a background in science and research, I can't actually find firm evidence that grounding actually works scientifically to positively change our bodies or our minds.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: But from my own experience and the experience of many of my clients, I know how good it feels to scrunch my bare toes in the sand at the beach or in the grass in my backyard.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: Getting barefoot is a really simple tool that brings me back to myself, makes me pause and connect.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: So, number one top tip, go barefoot.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: Number two, move.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: Whatever your choice of movement is, move.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to experience the really simple joy of moving your body.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: It's tempting to stay curled up under the Duna in bed or on the couch mindlessly watching Netflix.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: I encourage you to stretch, wriggle, sway, jump, skip, dance, run, even just swing your arms around.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Move.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: When you move, when you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins, which not only help reduce physical pain but also elevate your mood.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: They are your very own self-created happy drugs, triggering positive feelings in your body similar to that of morphine.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: So movement releases endorphins, your body's happy drugs.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Happiness equals self-love.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: Happiness equals love.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: So however it feels good for you, get your body moving.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: Number three, music.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: Whether your preference is for loud thumping rock, gentle jazz, or calming classical, whatever matches your mood, whatever is your preference.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Stick your headphones in and drift away solo or pump it up loud for everyone in the house.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: Music is a powerful mood lifter and it's the perfect free form of self-love.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: Freely available, pump it up.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: You can even combine the music and the movement and get dancing in your kitchen.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: Number four in self-love.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been around a lot here or just recently, you will know that I am a water baby, and I love this quote.
6:37
SPEAKER_00: Heavy hearts like heavy clouds in the sky are best relieved by the letting of a little water by Christopher Morley, who's an American writer, I think.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: And I would also add by getting in the water.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: So whether it's taking a long shower, running along, running a bath, floating in the pool or the ocean or a lake, or just dipping your feet in some sort of running water, wash off your day, wash off your worries, cry, let that water out.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Water and tears, soothe and heal.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: And I think getting in the water, whatever body of water is, is deeply, deeply self-loving.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Number five, drink.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: And no, I don't necessarily mean alcohol, but of course, have the occasional glass.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: My top tip for self-love around alcohol though is go gently.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: If you are in the the thick of separation, divorce, go gently with the alcohol.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: What I mean by drink as a self-loving exercise is drink mindfully.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: Mindfully sip whatever your beverage of choice is: water, tea, coffee, or yes, even that occasional glass of wine.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: If you're choosing to drink it, drink it mindfully.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: Use a special glass or a special cup.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: Really savour each sip and take the time to really, really taste whatever it is you're drinking.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: Imagine physically pouring self-love into your body, into yourself while you're pouring this drink into your mouth, while you're sipping this drink mindfully.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Swallowing it.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: Swallow down a dose of self-love while you drink.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Number six, breathe.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: A really simple and free way to offer up some self-love in times of stress or any time really is just simply to stop and focus on the breath.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: Simply stop.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: Take three deep breaths.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: Oxygenate, rejuvenate your body, feel that air filling your lungs and the energy of it spreading outwards to the tips of your fingers, tips of your toes.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: Care for yourself, love yourself in the really simple act of taking a few deep healing breaths.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: Of course, there are deeper ways you can work with your breath through breath work workshops, but we're talking here really simple.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: Simple, accessible, free ways that you can nurture and love yourself each and every day.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Tip number seven: the good stuff.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Even in the middle of the turmoil, the mental and emotional turmoil of divorce, the good stuff is still there.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: The good stuff is still there to be found.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Tune into it.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: Now practicing gratitude is really topical at the moment, and don't get me wrong, I really believe it is important and it is powerful.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: But I've also found it really hard to maintain that gratitude practice on a long-term basis.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: I find that I just run out of things and I start repeating myself.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful for my kids, I'm grateful for my house, I'm grateful for my friends, I'm grateful for my health, and I end up letting it slide.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: So if this sounds like you, I've just tried to tune into three good things that happened each day.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: Did you tick something off your to-do list?
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Did you smile at a stranger or did they smile at you?
10:18
SPEAKER_00: Did you feel the sunshine on your face?
10:20
SPEAKER_00: Three things that happened that were the good stuff in the day.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: Or reflecting at the end of the day, three ways I showed myself love and compassion today.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: How did I care and show myself love and compassion today?
10:36
SPEAKER_00: And what this does is help you tune into yourself and the ways you do and maybe do not show yourself love, care, and compassion, so you can up that for the next day.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: So really focus on the good stuff.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: Consciously attune to it and attend to it because even in the darkest of tunnels, there are little chinks of light that, yes, you can focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, but don't forget to look for the good stuff, the little chinks of light while you're in the dark tunnel.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: Self-love tip number eight is one-minute meditation.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you've read, I'm sure you know, into on an intellectual level, how good meditation is for your psyche, is for your well-being, how self-loving it is.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure there are many of you that go, Oh, I just don't have the time.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: We all have one minute.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a really long, drawn-out practice.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: And if that's something that you already do or you're already working on, or you've already built into your self-love routine, great.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: But if not, and like me, your meditation practice is a bit patchy.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: Start with a minute a day.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Keep it really simple.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Stop, focus, check in with your body, tune into your breath, your feelings, your emotions, the sensations you're experiencing.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Spend one minute attending to you.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: Simple self-love tip love.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: Simple self-love tip number nine.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: Declutter.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: I found, and many of my coaching clients have found, a physical declutter after separation or divorce is really cathartic and healing.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: Get rid of stuff.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: It is a true act of self-love.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: And I know for others it can be overwhelming.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: So do a mini declutter.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Choose three things from your wardrobe, from your bathroom, from your kitchen, whatever it is.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Three things that do not make your heart sing or that remind you or belong to your ex and pass them on.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: There are also non-physical ways to declutter, and I'm going to do a whole podcast episode on the process of decluttering after divorce.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: But for now, as an act of self-care, as an act of self-love, do a mini declutter if you can't face the full shebang.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: You can also do the same mini declutter with your social media.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: Be brave, put yourself first.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: Know what lights you up, what serves you, what supports you, what nurtures you, and what does not.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: So unfriend, unblock, follow, unfollow, block sites, people that drag your heart down.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: And if that seems overwhelming, just pick three.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Three each day, three each week.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Number 10 tip for self-love.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: Unplug.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself back some time to do something that really, really lights you up, other than mindlessly scrolling through your social media feed or mindlessly flicking through Netflix.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: Think about the time that you spend, I was gonna say waste, but the time that you spend each day just mindless mindlessly scrolling.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: What could you do with those minutes that would really feed your soul?
14:02
SPEAKER_00: How else could you offer yourself some self-love with those minutes?
14:07
SPEAKER_00: And of course, listen back to the previous nine tips that I've just offered you.
14:14
SPEAKER_00: There's plenty there.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: So choose choose a time.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: It could be 10 minutes, it could be an hour, it could be an evening, it could be a week to unplug from all your electronics, all your TV, all your subscriptions, and just use that time to connect to yourself or not indulge, explore one of these other self-love options.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: Tip number 11: get into nature.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Use nature to fill your soul and fill your cup and offer yourself some self-love.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: Offer yourself some love.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: It can be as simple as lying on your back and watching the clouds or the stars or the leaves moving in the breeze.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: Sit quietly with your back against a tree or a rock.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: Lie on the sand at the beach, watch water, river, creek flow, watch the waves move in and out, or even just sit inside and watch the rain fall and the reflection in a puddle.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, for just a few minutes, immerse yourself in whatever nature is around you, whatever nature you experience in your everyday.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: Or of course, make an active choice to seek out that river, the forest, the beach that fills your cup and feeds your soul.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: Use nature as a tool to self-love.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: Tip number 12: Limit your choices.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: On average, as a human, we make something like 35,000 decisions each day.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: And when you're navigating a relationship transition, a separation, a breakup, a divorce, there's a whole lot more decisions that you need to make, both big and small.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: Decisions that are actually demanding your attention.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: Having to make these decisions over and over again each day can be exhausting.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: So free yourself from the small everyday decisions so you can self-lovingly fake it fake, focus, sorry, on the bigger ones.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself some love here by making your life easy and limit the number of decisions you need to make in a day or a week.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: This can actually be a game changer.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: Not only is it self-loving, it also gives you back heaps of time.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Do meal prep.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Plan your breakfasts or your outfits for the week, which will give yourself an extra few minutes each morning where you don't have to make a decision.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: It's already made.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: Find ways that you can limit the number of decisions that you're making each day and each week.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: And it might be that you have a rotating menu for your meal prep so that you don't have to think about it.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: And that might be for a short term or it might be forever.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Limit your choices as much as you can to free up your headspace to focus on the bigger decisions that you're having to make.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: Tip number 13 is actually a combination of two earlier ones, but I really wanted to add it in.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: Dance, dance it out, put on your favorite tunes and move your body.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: Everyone can dance.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Don't tell me you can't dance.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do it publicly.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: And if you can't think of a song, cast your mind back to a teenage you, a teenage version of you, and pick her favorite song or his favorite song.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: Put that on, crank it up, and dance it out, move your body.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to dance and be sad at the same time.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: Focus on the music, the beat, the rhythm, and your own movement and just allow it to feel your heart, to lift your heart.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Allow it and let it be really self-loving.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Don't judge yourself, just dance.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: Tip number 14.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: Self-soothe.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Touch is one of the most powerful but simple ways we show love.
18:07
SPEAKER_00: We the way we show love to others.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: So why not show that same love to yourself?
18:13
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself the simple and beautiful gift of your own healing hands through self-loving touch.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: Massage your own hands or your feet.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: Give yourself a mini facial massage along your eyebrows and your temples.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: Massage your scalp while you wash your hair.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Mindfully moisturize your body after a shower.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm talking self self-sexual touch as well as self-soothing touch, but mostly I'm talking self-soothing.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: We use touch to soothe our children, our family members, our loved ones, even our pets.
18:50
SPEAKER_00: Apply that self-same self-loving touch to your own body using your own hands.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: And number 15, treat your body.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Number 15 self-loving tip is to treat your body, honor your body, recognize all it does for you every day.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Wear something beautiful close to your skin that makes you feel amazing, that makes you feel loved and cared for and held and honored by yourself.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: It could be a scarf, it could be lingerie, it might be perfume, your favourite cotton t-shirt or silk top, whatever it is, a free-flowing feminine dress you love, whatever it is.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: Treat your body.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have anything that makes you feel loved, special, nurtured, maybe consider treating yourself.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be the most expensive thing you've ever owned.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: But treat your body with things that feel good on it, feel good on your skin.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Self-love really is never more important than during times of high stress, such as when you're going through a significant life change like separation or divorce.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be lavish or cost a lot of money.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: Some of these simple and small acts can really have a huge impact on your nervous system, bringing with it more physical but also more emotional energy and a clear mind, a capac a greater capacity to deal with the other stuff that's going on.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: And just a more settled, self-connected heart.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: If this sounds like something you would like to explore on a deeper level for the month of February, I am offering a special self-love coaching bundle, a one-on-one session with me, and a whole heap of bonuses for$395 Aussie dollars.
20:48
SPEAKER_00: If you would like to explore that, there will be, of course, a link in the show notes.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you to create, to deepen, to strengthen, to expand your capacity for self-love through this special offer coaching bundle.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: DM me or click through the link in your show notes for all of the inclusions.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: And if you would like to gift it to somebody for Valentine's Day, it's the perfect gift for someone that you love.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Get busy loving yourself up.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm Stanley Anna Huttner Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: And if you can be with anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so pleased for if you follow me on the famous video.