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Transcript

S3 Ep12: Can't Shake the Brogue! 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's terrible uh being an intelligent woman trapped in a Scottish accent and loving Americans.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know this was my voice till uh I moved to England, right?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: In my head I talked like Stephen Fry and then uh moved down south and started going into shops and people just looked at me like a dog was barking at them.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I've lived there for ten years and it's largely great.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: The shops had open for ages, but one of the hardest things is every day for the last decade what my English friends love to do to me is repeat what I'm saying back at me in a bad Scottish accent.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And they always have a look in their eyes like she is gonna love when I do this.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every day.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've got one friend that does it all the time, her name's Haley.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: She's always like, Fern.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is my impression of you.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hello!
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I've done thanks, Haley.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I feel so comfortable.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is my impression of you.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't tell everybody about the time I gave everyone at UniClamidian.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, still not getting that Cockney accent, yeah.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I never really thought much about being Scottish.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Then I moved to England and I became Scottish fern, and then you realise that you're meant to live up to this cartoon version of Scottishness where you're aggressive, drunk, allergic to salad, right?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: You all know the drill.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard for me to live up to this, right?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm quite quiet offstage, uh salad, can't get enough of it.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was considered almost quite middle class growing up here.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Scottish middle class, not English middle class, right?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Scottish middle class is where you've been on a plane once and mum makes you eat fruit regularly.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Don't like drinking either.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is quite a weird thing to say as a Scottish person and a professional comedian.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like alcohol.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And not because I'm a recovering alkie or anything, I just don't need drink to make me blunt and offensive in social situations.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, that is a gift I have naturally.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another thing be jealous immediately.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Never needed alcohol to make me a slut.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I seem to accept early on in life I enjoy pumping sea monsters.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Why bother?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well the health risks of alcohol.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Big time stoner.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Who needs memories?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out me for this job.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man, I love to smoke joints, but I've had to quit it for the sake of my job because my memory was getting so bad I had to Google the phrase double bike because I no longer knew the word for tandem.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've been smoking heavily for like a year, and I was like, all that stuff about memories is just uh government conspiracy theories.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went to say the name of the I've been going out with the same person for eight years, so I know his name, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: His name's Connor.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I went to say his name and I thought, is this Connor even called Connor?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who knows?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Just act confident.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: See, when um I was growing up, whenever I saw Scottish comedy on tell, it seemed to rely on slagging off Scotland, and it was a kind of shtick that was like, oh, aren't we all just fat illiterate bastards eating chips at a bin?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it was, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like slagging off Scotland.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not comfortable with it, apart from one crucial thing, and that is the world of Scottish amateur pornography.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Which I made the terrible mistake of watching.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is a real category of porn.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not making it up for the show.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Don't watch it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of your drinking, you're easy.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: He's cheersing, he's seen it.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Scottish porn's the most depressing porn I've ever seen.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Comes a close second to Russian porn, and at least in that they're skinny, but it's in that bleak we did this for a piece of bread, kinda wet.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I've watched literally every Scottish porn on the internet for the purposes of this show.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Some of the clips, you're like, how can I even tell these people are Scottish?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: There's not much dialogue.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you, I knew.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: But the press and inevitability, a new one people.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was just pale, hairy white bellies smashing against each other and close up like water balloons filled with yogurt.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Every few seconds a wee voice off camera would go, aye.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or memorably, tuck on my pupna! I clicked on this Pornhub clip, it said, Scottish girl fucked in London.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: When I put it on, literally just footage of me paying a thousand pounds a month to live in a basement.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I watched like amateur stuff rather than slickly shot professional stuff because it's more ethical.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's what a hipster am.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's more ethical.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: What they lack in muscle tone or symmetrical facial features, they make up for with a large degree of enthusiasm.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: You snow, I mean, I can see who watches it, yeah.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I've had to stop watching it and go back to the professional stuff.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Firstly, can't control the soundtracks and people's homemade sex tapes.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: I had to turn off someone's amateur porno because they were playing the song Everybody's Changing by Keen in the background.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, which will come first?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Climax or me killing myself.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another thing.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't judge any of you if you want to make a sex tape, but for the love of God, would you lock up the pets beforehand?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know the number of times I've just sadly closed my laptop during a burnout because there's been a couple pumping away in the foreground, really happy, really oblivious to just the sight of their proud cat sauntering in the background.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Meow! This is my time to shine.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: I put one on the other day.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I had um a couple were just dry humping American college amateurs, and then in the background there was just a sad little Yorkshire terrier.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Dogs are pure innocence and goodness, just looking at them like, please take me a walk.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I watched lesbian porn mostly because straight porn is largely made for straight men, so it'll have these blowjob scenes that go on for 10 to 15 to 20 minutes.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, why don't I just watch someone file a tax return?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Men in the audience, do you hear how many more lady laughs are coming after that?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I have like a list of little tasks that I need to get done round the house, and the one that never gets done, and I feel bad about it every day.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I always think about it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I put a porn on, I'm at the beginning of a wank.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's another fantastic day as a self-employed lady.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think it'd take you seconds to put some blue tack or a bit of tape over the camera or your laptop, and you never do it.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And one day someone's gonna hack into my laptop and steal footage of me wanking.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's a thing, yeah?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Then it's career over or the start of a glorious new career.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is what stops me doing that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I think don't flatter yourself.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Realistically, who is gonna want to watch footage of a 33-year-old woman in full winter pajamas?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sheets pulled up to my chin because I'm a Catholic.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't want Jesus to see.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or my dead grandparents, dirty foyers, triple chins, just completely dead-eyed.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Who needs facial expressions?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Man, facial expressions are for when you're with other people.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's a market for that, though.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: There's a market for dead-eyed Scottish women in Portland, I know it.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I get asked to describe my comedy, I always say it's accessible, observational stuff, suitable for the whole family.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Then you start reading descriptions of yourself over the years.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Mines are always consistent, they're always blunt, brutal, forthright.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't read reviews, but I saw one by accident recently.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: It opened with Fern Brady Scares Me.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: That was a nice review.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who's this scary woman they're talking about?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a lovable, nice girl.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd always wondered why people thought I was aloof.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was doing a show in Berlin, and a woman came up to me at the end and she said, Just so you know, your entire set is a description of a woman with Asperger's.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: You should look in it.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: One guy just laughed there, like, oh thank god, she realizes.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: It was the tenth person that had said it to me, right?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: One of them was me into the mirror every day.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Looked into, uh, started getting diagnosed.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be honest, guys, it's not a huge surprise.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I've always felt like an alien trapped in a beautiful woman's body.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: The rest of the show isn't a poignant unpacking of the diagnosis and how I came to terms with it, and then we all have a little cry.
• 10:12
  unknown: No.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just tell you where it affects me, right?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it would be cracking to get to a point in comedy where people recognise you for your comedy and say they like your stuff.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Then it started happening, and I was like, Oh, I forgot I don't have any social skills off stage.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: A guy came up to me in the airport, he was like, Hey, I've seen you on YouTube, I really like your stuff.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: In my head, when this happens, I'm always like, ah, thank you so much.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: The way I responded to this guy, however, was by silently holding out both my hands and holding both his hands and just smiling at his face demandedly, like Kate Middleton when she meets a heroin addict at the Open Up Community Centre.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let that put you off chatting to me after, just know I've been coached on how to talk to you by my autism therapist, Jemima.