Latest / Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily / How My Neighbour Stole Christmas by Meghan Quinn - An Enemies to Lovers Christmas Treat!

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How My Neighbour Stole Christmas by Meghan Quinn - An Enemies to Lovers Christmas Treat! · Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily

• 0:00
  Hi friends, you're listening to Lose the Plot with Carla and
• 0:03
  Emily. In this episode we're reading
• 0:05
  How My Neighbour Stole Christmas by Megan Quinn.
• 0:08
  We are talking about the entire book, so warning there will be
• 0:12
  spoilers. I'm Carla and were you and
• 0:29
  pardon my language but were you cock shocked last night?
• 0:36
  I'm Emily. 70 year olds deserve to be wet too.
• 0:41
  I really think that one so close.
• 0:48
  Do they OK, Mariah Carey? Not the Whistle notes.
• 0:52
  Oh, how fitting. How fitting.
• 0:55
  You know what? From the same scene alluded.
• 1:01
  Before we unwrap today's extra special oh so steamy Christmas
• 1:06
  episode, we've got a little favour to ask.
• 1:09
  If you're loving our pod, take a quick minute to leave us a
• 1:12
  review, glide over to our profile and hit the five star
• 1:16
  rating. This helps us grow and reach
• 1:18
  more listeners. If you've got friends who've
• 1:20
  been a little more naughty than Nicely this year, share this
• 1:23
  episode with them. Thanks for the support.
• 1:26
  Now let's get into the jolly good stuff.
• 1:32
  Speak you should. Do that as like a job.
• 1:37
  Little AD libs, yeah. Yeah, send me work, whatever.
• 1:42
  Freelance Freelance you work in 24/7 as it is.
• 1:46
  Literally, I don't know about the accent.
• 1:48
  I feel like people trying to understand Australians.
• 1:51
  Yeah, I don't. Do you know what I mean?
• 1:53
  Yeah, they. Always go.
• 1:54
  What did you guys just say? It's not like it's not.
• 1:57
  It's English. English babe.
• 2:01
  I couldn't find any trigger warnings so I thought we could
• 2:04
  just freestyle it. I have some suggestions.
• 2:09
  I have one. Death of parents, vehicle
• 2:13
  accident in cell behaviour. That covers a lot.
• 2:16
  Oh, and mini up the only action. OK, food play.
• 2:20
  Oh, how can I forget? How could I not mention that?
• 2:25
  So if you're not into that, if that's not a kink, I mean, we're
• 2:28
  not going to be. Reading it out, no, but.
• 2:31
  We're going to be making fun of it, So what else I don't even
• 2:35
  like? A long declarations of
• 2:40
  everything. Declarations, Declarations.
• 2:44
  Declarations. Declarations.
• 2:46
  Declarations. Sexual ones, Loved ones.
• 2:52
  Girl, try to Christmas cheer, babe.
• 2:54
  Like too much, too much. A lot of words.
• 2:58
  You know what? Just before we get into the
• 3:00
  actual plot, how are you feeling about Christmas this year?
• 3:05
  Trash. Ah, yes.
• 3:08
  I'm so grinchy I just don't. Want to do?
• 3:11
  It it's so grinchy. It's so much work.
• 3:14
  It's a lot of work. You know what?
• 3:16
  I practically want to strangle all of my Co workers because
• 3:19
  rain hell or shine they've been talking about Christmas since
• 3:23
  like midnight month like July and I wanna deck everyone.
• 3:27
  I don't wanna setting. Me off because I don't like
• 3:29
  small talk, but it's like the oh like how are you going with this
• 3:32
  or that or like the decorations and the little oh what what I
• 3:36
  don't care I. Haven't done shit.
• 3:38
  But I don't care what you're eating for Christmas.
• 3:41
  It's one day. No one says, oh, what are you
• 3:44
  eating today? That's what you're eating today.
• 3:48
  Brah fumes and anger fumes. And anger.
• 3:52
  I'm so glad we're both grinchy. Just can it.
• 3:55
  I'm over it. It's a patriarchal white centric
• 3:58
  religion based bullshit steaming pile of I can't.
• 4:04
  I have children, it's not for me anymore.
• 4:07
  Cancel them too. Cancel the children Cancel.
• 4:10
  The children. Fuck the children.
• 4:11
  Well, they deserve nothing. No Christmas, No I.
• 4:16
  Want to I'll be able to alternate and be like really
• 4:18
  Christmasy one year and then like fucking hate it the next
• 4:21
  year. Do you know what I mean?
• 4:23
  Like just give me a break, I don't care.
• 4:26
  I only hear it. Anyway, I just want to joining
• 4:30
  us on our very Christmasy special edition episode.
• 4:34
  If anything, this book made me hate fucking Christmas.
• 4:37
  Sorry. Too hard, too fast too.
• 4:40
  Too fast, Too furious. Enough about us, let's jump.
• 4:44
  Right? Right.
• 4:45
  Into. Let's jump right out.
• 4:48
  Jump right in. Then we jump right out.
• 4:51
  Oh no. OK, first of all, the bitch's
• 4:55
  name is Story Storybook. Oh, is that her actual middle
• 4:59
  name? No, I don't know what it is
• 5:02
  'cause it it was her nickname. Her auntie calls her storybook.
• 5:05
  Or sorry, don't have characters with multiple names, it's either
• 5:10
  Max or it's Atlas. They are very different.
• 5:13
  No one calls someone Max for short.
• 5:16
  No for Atlas exactly please. Sorry, I'm going to turn down
• 5:22
  the rage a little bit. I think I'm just excited.
• 5:24
  OK, it's fine. It's building within.
• 5:29
  So story she's like a 20 something.
• 5:32
  I'm assuming she's 20. 8928. Oh, that's unfortunate.
• 5:37
  Yeah, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she was early 20s,
• 5:40
  but. No, they're both 28.
• 5:42
  They. Should know better than this.
• 5:47
  OK, so she's a redhead. That's it.
• 5:50
  Redhead, big titties, juicy booty, neon nips.
• 5:54
  The chapter 1 is literally her talking about her frozen
• 5:58
  nipples. I love how we're just gonna like
• 6:00
  gloss past that. Her nipples bright Shiner than
• 6:04
  Rudolph's nose. Yeah, you can't tell me
• 6:06
  otherwise. It's been noted Norton's facts.
• 6:10
  It's law. It's.
• 6:11
  Law. It's Megan Quinn.
• 6:13
  Law Megan's. Law, stop.
• 6:19
  OK, so fucking Aunt Cindie's broken her hip, right?
• 6:23
  Can a man a. Story Living a normal city girl.
• 6:27
  Hashtag city girl live Yeah, she OK.
• 6:30
  She comes from a town called Kringle.
• 6:33
  They're obsessed with Christmas. It's Christmasy all year round.
• 6:38
  Fuck no. What does she fucking do when
• 6:39
  she escapes this Christmas hell hole is go edit Christmas movies
• 6:44
  all year for Netflix. It's not even Netflix, it would
• 6:47
  be the equivalent to like BBC or something.
• 6:51
  But she edits Christmasy cheesy ROM coms.
• 6:54
  All the time. Yeah, all the time.
• 6:57
  And she loves watching them. So she's pretending that she's
• 7:01
  grown and she's not all about Christmas, but girl all.
• 7:05
  She does. So no wonder why.
• 7:07
  I just feel like no wonder why these girls left.
• 7:09
  She's got an older sister, Karen.
• 7:12
  Are she younger? They're twins.
• 7:14
  Oh my God, they're twins. That's why I don't understand
• 7:19
  that I didn't. Know the twins.
• 7:20
  She was giving older sister energy.
• 7:22
  You know, the overworked older siblings.
• 7:25
  Taran is a nurse. And it was so hilarious because
• 7:28
  Aunt Cindy breaks her hip. Yes.
• 7:29
  And then stories like, why the fuck am I the one coming all the
• 7:33
  way back home to look after Aunt Cindy?
• 7:35
  Yeah. And then Taran goes.
• 7:36
  I guess I could stay. She goes, I don't trust you
• 7:39
  anyway, why did you force her to leave her house?
• 7:43
  Literally. Not only that, but Aunt Cindy
• 7:46
  drops another bomb. Oh, woe is me.
• 7:49
  At least Taron's going to be here to wipe my crack.
• 7:52
  And then story. I've actually volunteered you to
• 7:55
  be in this fucking festive Christmas competition that seems
• 7:58
  to go for 10 years to the lead up to Christmas since you know,
• 8:02
  you're hopeless and stuff. I don't actually trust you to
• 8:05
  wash my pits. All they talk about is washing
• 8:08
  her crevices. How many crevices has she got
• 8:11
  and why is Taron so thorough? Well, if you don't thorough, you
• 8:17
  get artists, so there hashtag fair.
• 8:27
  OK, let's just say suicide's not an option.
• 8:29
  What would you do if you lived in a place called Kringle and
• 8:32
  this was? Their.
• 8:33
  Entire. Town.
• 8:34
  There'd be torture for me. Torture.
• 8:37
  Say you were to torture me and you put me in A room and you
• 8:41
  just played this book on repeat. I would crack in the 1st 2
• 8:46
  seconds. I would tell you any information
• 8:49
  you wanted to know. What?
• 8:50
  Are the nuclear codes. I'm just saying if they wanted
• 8:53
  your secrets, I would tell them. I wouldn't.
• 8:55
  I couldn't do it. You'd be like oh shit, wow.
• 8:59
  Between this book and the things that happen in it, the writing.
• 9:02
  I really thought you were tougher than that.
• 9:04
  I'm not. I really thought my secrets were
• 9:06
  locked down. No, not for this.
• 9:08
  That's rough. Not for this.
• 9:11
  You're just publishing. To the world.
• 9:13
  How to crack? You, you know what though?
• 9:18
  If you were the same for this book, I would not blame you,
• 9:22
  honestly. But would you last today?
• 9:24
  Because I wouldn't last today. I'm not even lasting normal
• 9:27
  life. I've learned if it was
• 9:28
  surrounded by all. The shops are Christmas themed
• 9:31
  all the time. The only thing they do is
• 9:34
  Christmas related things but it's a tourist town so how are
• 9:38
  they getting income? They probably do Christmas in
• 9:40
  July and all that bullshit. Christmas in October, February,
• 9:45
  I can barely stand going to the shopping centre with Christmas
• 9:48
  music. They would play this all the
• 9:51
  time. She doesn't want.
• 9:53
  To be back fest. Story hasn't been there in 10
• 9:57
  whole years. Valid.
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  And she's kind of like, whatever, I'll just make do.
• 10:01
  And Aunt Cindy is so sad and acting so sick that she's like,
• 10:06
  oh, she's lonely. Let's start with her being 91.
• 10:12
  Are we sure she's? 91, she's fucking 70.
• 10:18
  They're like this 91 year old woman.
• 10:20
  She's got plenty of time. No, I'm surprised she can walk.
• 10:25
  It's. A Christmas miracle that she's
• 10:26
  even alive I'm. Surprised her hip's broken only
• 10:29
  now. This is a slippery town and you
• 10:31
  can't tell me otherwise. There's snow everywhere.
• 10:34
  It fucking snows all the time. Like there's going to be ice
• 10:36
  that you're moving on. Entering these competitions,
• 10:39
  they don't seem fucking easy. Well, not this year.
• 10:43
  She's. Broken her hip and now she's
• 10:45
  just going to tell story. Everything to do for some
• 10:48
  reason. They're just going to make her
• 10:49
  do it. Would you even do it?
• 10:52
  I'd be like, OK, bye. I would just leave.
• 10:54
  I'd be booking the next flight out of there.
• 10:56
  You could not convince me to do shit.
• 10:58
  If I don't want to do it, I just won't do.
• 10:59
  It you know what I hate? I'll soak in a corner.
• 11:02
  How much? She's just easily guilted.
• 11:05
  Story has no. Backbone No.
• 11:08
  She's so easy to guilt into anything.
• 11:11
  Even with Cole, she's guilted into everything.
• 11:14
  OK, so let's get to Cole. He's lived in Kringle his whole
• 11:17
  life. Oh God.
• 11:19
  Oh. My God.
• 11:20
  Maybe he needs to leave the fucking town for five.
• 11:22
  Yeah, he. Literally does.
• 11:23
  He was the stereotypical emo boy.
• 11:26
  He had the little swoop French, you know what I mean?
• 11:30
  That's what I'm imagining. I'm Yeah.
• 11:32
  Back in the day he's giving school shooter.
• 11:34
  Facts. Back in the day, greasy swoop
• 11:37
  school shooter yes, so he had a somewhat friendship with story
• 11:42
  because their next door neighbors star so they used to
• 11:46
  have. Little.
• 11:47
  Chats, whatever. They were friendly, Yeah.
• 11:50
  And then one night, Cole's concerned because his parents
• 11:54
  haven't come home. Yeah.
• 11:55
  And he's kind of wigging out a little bit.
• 11:57
  And then story comes over and they're like, chatting.
• 12:00
  And she's like, you know what? Actually, I hate this town.
• 12:03
  Like, everything about it, blah, blah.
• 12:05
  I. Don't want to be here, I don't.
• 12:06
  Want to be here? And then she moves away the next
• 12:08
  morning without really saying goodbye.
• 12:09
  Yes. Turns out that night Cole's
• 12:12
  parents died in a car accident related to the fucking snow.
• 12:17
  So again, Kringle strikes again. Kringles fault.
• 12:20
  Kringles fault. Instead of being mad at the snow
• 12:22
  like a normal person, he's mad at story for 10 years.
• 12:26
  For 10 whole years he holds on to this and he acts as if she
• 12:29
  did that on purpose. She didn't.
• 12:31
  Even know that they died ever. Exactly.
• 12:34
  Which is weird because. If you were the neighbour and
• 12:36
  you were hanging out with him a fair bit, you'd think you'd at
• 12:38
  least know from someone would have told you that.
• 12:41
  Well, the only person that could tell was Cindy, and he told
• 12:44
  Cindy not to tell her anything. Yeah, but you'd hear it from
• 12:47
  through the Grapevine. From her though.
• 12:50
  Anyone else that lives in that town because they would have
• 12:53
  said something like that I. Wouldn't fucking talk to anyone
• 12:55
  else in that town. Yeah, so anyway, she was just
• 12:57
  living her normal life this whole decade, and Cole's hung on
• 13:00
  to this forever. And when he sees that the girls
• 13:03
  are back home for the holidays, he's livid.
• 13:06
  He's like this. What next door?
• 13:09
  She's come to ruin the town. She did everything as a child on
• 13:13
  purpose. Exactly.
• 13:15
  And he's like, it's her fault that I wasn't comforted by her
• 13:19
  by. Because I didn't say a single
• 13:21
  thing to her exactly and I asked her if she was OK and instead of
• 13:27
  her asking me. Heaven forbid she has an opinion
• 13:32
  about the town she lives in that was coincidental with the night
• 13:35
  your parents died. Who?
• 13:36
  Cares, it's a shit town. There's no connection though
• 13:40
  between she didn't say wow I really fucking hate your parents
• 13:44
  and then they died. Like there was no connection
• 13:46
  between her hating the town and what happened to his parents.
• 13:48
  Every time she had a mistake, they bullied her like crazy in
• 13:52
  the town. I'm like she, that's the right.
• 13:55
  The reason why she hated it is because she was in the
• 13:57
  competition and flopped everything and the whole town
• 14:00
  bullied her. She tripped and pushed someone
• 14:03
  into a lake and she was only 18. Yep, and she was just making
• 14:06
  little mistakes here and there and the whole town is so
• 14:08
  critical that she was like fuck this town, I'm getting out of
• 14:11
  here. Which fair?
• 14:12
  Yeah. So Cole has a best friend Atlas
• 14:16
  or Max. After like Cole's parents died
• 14:19
  he dropped out of uni and was just didn't have anything in
• 14:23
  life. His whole joy in life is
• 14:25
  shoveling reindeer shit, yeah. Because Atlas family took him in
• 14:30
  and we're like OK, we'll give you a manual labour job because
• 14:34
  you quit uni and he's just been doing that for 10 years.
• 14:37
  What the fuck in life. He literally is so obsessed with
• 14:41
  these reindeers. Obsessed.
• 14:43
  Obsessed. It's the only thing he cares
• 14:45
  about. However, over these ten years
• 14:47
  he's miraculously become hot, which in real life, that would
• 14:51
  never fucking happen. It's the farm work I'm trying.
• 14:54
  It's not. He doesn't do farm work a single
• 14:56
  second in this whole book. You're telling me his fucking
• 14:59
  ass is that juicy and he's not doing anything?
• 15:02
  Glute relate. Come on.
• 15:03
  He's throwing them hay bales. Which way?
• 15:07
  Like what is he doing with the hay bales?
• 15:09
  They just throw them. That's not going to give you,
• 15:11
  that's not going to grow your glutes.
• 15:13
  I don't know, look it up. Maybe he's doing like the hay
• 15:16
  bales pull through. He's doing this for Hey Bell
• 15:21
  hits us. But honestly like a guy with
• 15:23
  this mentality is not hitting the gym.
• 15:26
  He's feral. Mental Health on 0.
• 15:28
  He's mental health as shit. He hates women.
• 15:33
  Hates women, hates them he's. So feral everything he says in
• 15:38
  his brain is ridiculous. I love Max.
• 15:43
  He's actually the best character.
• 15:45
  Hilarious. And I just wanted story to get
• 15:48
  with Max yes yes, yeah. Wreck Cole's life.
• 15:53
  Actual. I'd be like, well I wrecked it
• 15:55
  already, supposedly. She doesn't even know she
• 15:58
  wrecked it. She's just gone, you know.
• 16:01
  What I mean he's sitting there stewing for 10 years about this
• 16:04
  bitch and she's fine. She's had a whole separate
• 16:07
  relationship. She was like with old mate for
• 16:09
  like a jillion years or something with her ex-boyfriend.
• 16:13
  Not a thought in the world about Cole.
• 16:15
  But she's just trying to have a this man and he's like the worst
• 16:18
  fucking behaviour I've ever seen.
• 16:21
  Yeah, she rocks up back to town, runs into him in the first day.
• 16:24
  Yeah. Out and about.
• 16:25
  She calls him Connor. That was fucking hilarious.
• 16:27
  And she kept doubling down and kept doing it.
• 16:29
  Yeah. And then she was kind of like,
• 16:31
  oh, I sort of misjudged our, like, friendship, I guess.
• 16:34
  Our Van Tar. He was not having it.
• 16:36
  He was stick up the asshole. He kept saying don't talk to me.
• 16:40
  And she's like, what did I even do?
• 16:42
  Yeah, but he won't tell her. No.
• 16:45
  Because there's nothing she did do.
• 16:48
  She didn't done nothing. She didn't done nothing.
• 16:50
  He's trying to work out how to gaslight her into fucking him.
• 16:54
  Yeah, he's like, how can I make my parents dying?
• 16:57
  Her fault. So apparently he needed a few
• 16:59
  months to work that out because or a few weeks between then and
• 17:03
  Christmas. He eventually somewhat tried to
• 17:06
  make a connection but it was very flop.
• 17:07
  He is a flop. So story just because she's so
• 17:11
  easy to manipulate, she just accepts that I have to do this
• 17:15
  for Aunt Cindy, for her legacy. She might die tomorrow.
• 17:18
  She's been doing it for 90 years.
• 17:20
  She's not going to die tomorrow, babe.
• 17:22
  She's been doing it for a decade.
• 17:24
  Cole gets wind, but she's been nominated and he goes.
• 17:30
  She doesn't deserve to be the Christmas Kringle, Krampus,
• 17:33
  whatever the. Fuck.
• 17:35
  Winner he goes. She doesn't even deserve to live
• 17:40
  after what she did indirectly to me.
• 17:43
  She. Killed my parents.
• 17:46
  She killed my parents. She.
• 17:47
  Killed the spirit of this town. Not only did she let someone
• 17:53
  like fall in the river, but she murdered my innocent parents.
• 17:58
  She dropped over a tree. She's drank too much cocoa.
• 18:07
  He's a child. He has the mentality of a child.
• 18:11
  It's like he didn't grow past. 18 Literally.
• 18:15
  Yeah. So regressive.
• 18:17
  And no one calls him out for it. He literally is like Max, this
• 18:20
  dirty fucking hoe who crushed my heart, killed my parents.
• 18:25
  And Max is like, oh, OK, yeah, he's.
• 18:27
  Like why haven't you told me this in a fucking?
• 18:30
  Decade. He's like, I never met Story and
• 18:32
  he's like, yeah, well she would have fucked your life too.
• 18:35
  Calm down, she legitimately thought your name was kind of
• 18:42
  like relax. Well, so why is his name black?
• 18:45
  It's called black. Where's the imagination?
• 18:49
  I know, it's just it's not good. And Cindy Lou, Cindy Lewis,
• 18:55
  you're telling me. Get me started.
• 18:56
  Just don't get me started. So even Max is like whoa, whoa
• 19:01
  whoa. Why do you?
• 19:02
  Why? Why so angry?
• 19:04
  Why so defensive? He's like, don't you want to
• 19:07
  stick your Dick in her, actually?
• 19:09
  And he's like, he's like. She does have a vagina on my guy
• 19:12
  I. Haven't seen one in a while
• 19:16
  honestly. That's.
• 19:18
  Cap because there is no way Cole's not a virgin.
• 19:24
  It's like where are. You going?
• 19:25
  No dead ass, Dead ass. It's been frothing since she
• 19:30
  left and you're telling me? It's giving Arch's voice all
• 19:35
  over again. Oh.
• 19:36
  My God that's so true, but in a bad way because Arch's voice, he
• 19:43
  was remember he was innocent and a bit dumb and it was gloomy.
• 19:46
  Yes. This one's malicious.
• 19:48
  This one's just in cell. He's the Grinch.
• 19:52
  He is the Grinch. Which is hilarious because why
• 19:54
  would you sign up to do all these festive activities when
• 19:58
  you're literally the Grinch Who? Cares if you really.
• 20:00
  Didn't care about story, you just leave fucking alone.
• 20:03
  Honestly the only way this book could have been good is just him
• 20:06
  and Matt's fucking. Yes, just pounding it out.
• 20:09
  Bromance. Yes, was beautiful.
• 20:11
  His bromance with the narrator was better than his.
• 20:14
  Why he was there with narrator? It was great.
• 20:17
  I loved it. I.
• 20:17
  Hated it, it just. Added so much cheese.
• 20:20
  It was very Jane the Virgin. It was giving me permission to
• 20:24
  laugh at this trash fire because it it knew it was cheese.
• 20:29
  Yes, when something tries to be so serious and then it's cheese.
• 20:32
  It's cringe, yes. But when something leans into
• 20:34
  it, I'm like. But is that because she's bad at
• 20:38
  writing and that's how she fixes it?
• 20:39
  Or is she so good? No, I just thought it was funny.
• 20:42
  Fair. I was like.
• 20:44
  Valid. Like this whole story is a joke,
• 20:46
  you know what I mean? Just I skipped so many pages in
• 20:52
  the last. From 300.
• 20:54
  On. It was two different books.
• 20:56
  It was filler and I just started going and then I would like scan
• 20:59
  the pages. I'm like, oh, something
• 21:01
  interesting. So anyway, Cole is so pissed.
• 21:04
  And then he signs up Max to be his little Santa's helper.
• 21:07
  Whatever. Holy Joly helper.
• 21:09
  He's like I need you bro. I need you.
• 21:13
  Down on my knees, babe. Meanwhile, Max is just like, OK.
• 21:18
  And then of course, he takes any opportunity to stir the pot.
• 21:21
  Yes, it's hilarious. When they were introducing
• 21:24
  themselves like story and Max, I felt the tension.
• 21:27
  Yes. I was like, oh is.
• 21:29
  The way they got along better. OK.
• 21:34
  So there's all these different challenges.
• 21:35
  They have to do. Together and they're competing
• 21:38
  against all these other pairs in the, I guess, neighbourhood.
• 21:41
  Whatever the fuck. So the different challenges were
• 21:44
  they have to do their own Christmas light display.
• 21:46
  Of a house, yes. There was some kind of musical
• 21:49
  performance which was separate to the weird caroling
• 21:52
  competition at the end. Like why is there multiple
• 21:54
  singing anyway? Candy cane the.
• 21:57
  Candy cane making the fruit cakey making thing.
• 22:00
  Eggnog. There's an egg.
• 22:02
  Yes, the eggnog was fast. And generally being Christmassy
• 22:06
  in public, yes, and advocating for like the tourism part of it,
• 22:11
  which they decided to turn into fake dating.
• 22:15
  Your most hated trope. I don't know.
• 22:19
  I feel like balls are so up there.
• 22:21
  And I know that's not a trope, but yeah, fake dating, man.
• 22:24
  It's very hard to make it. Work very hard, very hard.
• 22:28
  This is grumpy sunshine enemies to love it.
• 22:30
  This is the fake dating. This is the only fake dating
• 22:33
  that made any sense. To me it still didn't because
• 22:38
  you're telling me as two separate teams you're trying to
• 22:42
  look good by fake dating. And no, he he was trying to make
• 22:46
  her look bad by chasing her and her turning him down and she
• 22:50
  really grew. Through with it and then fake
• 22:52
  date for real because that doesn't help you as a team.
• 22:55
  You're in different teams, idiots.
• 22:56
  Yeah, that was the point, though.
• 22:59
  So he was chasing her, trying to make her look bad, and then she
• 23:03
  didn't want to look bad, so she was agreeing with it.
• 23:05
  Yeah. Which is what she does.
• 23:06
  She goes along with everything. Yes, because she's a pushover.
• 23:09
  What even happened in the eggnog?
• 23:10
  Like I don't even. Story one right because she and
• 23:14
  he came second or something. He tried to make a chocolate
• 23:16
  eggnog. I've never in my life tasted
• 23:18
  eggnog. I don't want anything with it's
• 23:20
  got eggs in her hay. No, I don't think so.
• 23:23
  The FARC a custody. That makes no sense.
• 23:26
  Hang on, it's egg milk punch. EW, that sounds even worse.
• 23:34
  What? Milk punch.
• 23:36
  Eggs, egg yolk, sugar, milk, heavy cream and vanilla.
• 23:39
  There is eggs. The yolk.
• 23:42
  The yolk Eggs. Raw egg yolk.
• 23:45
  Do they cook it? That's fucking disgusting.
• 23:49
  I just thought they just called it that and it was custard in
• 23:52
  the fuck. It's summer for Christmas, I
• 23:54
  don't want this weird shit. Americans do some weird shit all
• 23:59
  the time. Every time I see something
• 24:01
  they're cooking, it's got like marshmallows in it and it's
• 24:04
  like, it's like a pie. It's like a beef pie.
• 24:06
  I don't. Get why everything over there
• 24:10
  like comes out of a can. Add the eggs slowly to hot milk
• 24:16
  fucking and cook until the cook until the egg knock thickens.
• 24:21
  So we knocked. It's just scrambled eggs.
• 24:27
  That's. Fucking disgusting.
• 24:29
  Is that not just scrambled eggs? Sorry, a little off track I
• 24:34
  feel. Ill.
• 24:35
  I feel ill. I don't know why everything's
• 24:38
  been inking me out lately. Honestly fair.
• 24:41
  There's literally a Santa Claus that's pretty much Santa all the
• 24:45
  year round. But he's, yeah, Krampus.
• 24:49
  Yeah, and like his wife. But his wife has missed clause
• 24:53
  pickle. But his?
• 24:54
  Real name is Krampus. Pickle Lane.
• 24:58
  And their training is going to be the next.
• 25:01
  BKJ. That's what they call him BKJ.
• 25:07
  Big, big Jack. Big cock junior.
• 25:13
  Bob Cock junior. Snow Daddy Junior.
• 25:16
  Oh no, not the snow daddy. That actually was a little.
• 25:20
  Funny. Oh, no.
• 25:25
  So anyway, eggnog. She won and pretty like neck and
• 25:30
  neck. Tell me why Aunt Cindy was like,
• 25:33
  let's just recycle my last idea for the recycle.
• 25:38
  I mean, challenge her. Yeah, OK.
• 25:41
  And then fucking. Max.
• 25:43
  And fucking Cole do like an entire Magic Mike strip show.
• 25:49
  The old ladies are frothing. They're like, we haven't seen me
• 25:52
  in years. I'm.
• 25:53
  Sure work out of this town that's only old lady.
• 25:55
  Yes it is exclusively. They're like drooling.
• 25:59
  Frothing. The way Max had to hype him up
• 26:02
  to do 1 hip thrust and he was like actually this is my moment
• 26:06
  and thrusted to the wind. Can you just imagine him just up
• 26:10
  there, Tina, twerking like Dick, bobbing in his little fucking
• 26:15
  get up? I'm not gonna lie if I've seen
• 26:17
  two grown ass men, one was wearing really shorts too small
• 26:22
  for. Him.
• 26:23
  Shorts too small for. 3 inch shorts. 3 inch seemed.
• 26:27
  Too small. It's actually kids swim shorts.
• 26:32
  Like, let's be real. I feel like his Gooch is out.
• 26:35
  He's Gooch. What about?
• 26:37
  He's doing these. Ones and his Gooch is just his
• 26:41
  asshole would be puckering along.
• 26:45
  His asshole, his hairy. Asshole hacking hair out of the
• 26:49
  back. No, I feel like Max would wax.
• 26:52
  Not the pure mullet. You know Max would, but Cole
• 26:55
  wouldn't. No colours.
• 26:57
  His ass crack is as black as his soul spiders.
• 27:02
  Down there, he stops. Wearing these wholesome little
• 27:09
  dungarees. And the lady goes in and just.
• 27:14
  Joking he's like suck tucked and taking his Dick like.
• 27:20
  RuPaul's. But James Charles, he's got He's
• 27:27
  watched 10 talking tutorials. He was.
• 27:30
  On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. 10 Talking
• 27:35
  tutorial. No, he's painted green head to
• 27:41
  toe in little later persons. Oh, if I.
• 27:48
  See, it's giving. Alphaba.
• 27:49
  It's giving Alphaba Orion. Alphaba screaming.
• 27:58
  Outside of wicked. If I see 2 green men doing that
• 28:03
  I don't know if I want to watch like.
• 28:08
  How are the old ladies? Frothing.
• 28:10
  I would be so traumatized. His ABS are green.
• 28:14
  Babes like calm down, calm down. They don't.
• 28:17
  Care what colour they. Are baby powder.
• 28:20
  That's how dehydrated they are. Oh my.
• 28:23
  God. The story was like something
• 28:25
  about his nipples and he's like, no, they weren't covered because
• 28:28
  they were getting rubbed. I'm not OK, I don't.
• 28:33
  Know what I don't even know what happened like what it's there
• 28:37
  was there was like a stuck a leg out.
• 28:39
  I'm like where stuck it where bitch?
• 28:42
  Oh no, I just look the energy. Do you reckon he did the.
• 28:48
  Full Grinch in the cupboard, throwing the clothes belly out.
• 28:53
  Or what? And then just sucks it in and
• 28:55
  it's a six pack. Yep.
• 28:57
  That's his like little magic trick.
• 29:00
  I there was a lot going on. It was a bit too much for me.
• 29:03
  I was like. I did not want to picture that
• 29:05
  one. I was like clutching my
• 29:07
  invisible pearls. I was like.
• 29:10
  Oh, I thought if I was 78 I'd be like, but you want me?
• 29:14
  Here, Aunt Cindy's gonna break her other hip.
• 29:17
  Aunt Cindy was cock shocked. She was cock shocked she was
• 29:22
  brewing. Oh no, if that was me from the
• 29:25
  AJM now to 91 I would be like Take Me Home, rob me out of
• 29:30
  here. I'm scared.
• 29:31
  Mom scared by my own libido. It's pulsing.
• 29:38
  She's come back to life. I can feel the throb.
• 29:46
  She's back, baby. Just menopause.
• 29:50
  Who menopause here worked out the science you?
• 29:55
  Just crashed. So anyway, look, if you haven't
• 30:00
  read the book, you don't need to, because that insanity that
• 30:03
  we just talked about was the energy of that challenge.
• 30:06
  It was a very long time, like slog to get there. 400 pages
• 30:11
  takes me about 5 hours. Yeah, if I'm consistent.
• 30:14
  This took me so fucking long because I just didn't want to
• 30:18
  read it. So glad.
• 30:19
  My boyfriend read it out in a funny voice and then he was like
• 30:24
  the fuck is this? And I was like exactly.
• 30:28
  I love it. As you can imagine, there's very
• 30:31
  polarizing reviews on Goodreads 'cause I'll just, I didn't even
• 30:34
  look. I'll literally just look to see
• 30:37
  the overall rating. But when I scrolled down, there
• 30:39
  was like, there'd be a one and then a five and then a one and
• 30:41
  then a five and a one. I was like good.
• 30:43
  You fives are liars. These are liars and these are
• 30:46
  things. You guys are thirsty cows,
• 30:49
  that's why there. Was no spice in it for the best.
• 30:53
  That was the recycle challenge where they had to recycle and
• 30:56
  that's where he. Was making the 70 year old.
• 30:58
  Wet thrusting like his life depended on it.
• 31:01
  He had the spirit of Christmas in him.
• 31:03
  He had the. Spirit, well, he had something
• 31:05
  in him, I don't know, fucking. Drugs.
• 31:08
  Something was stirring and he said.
• 31:13
  Penis. So they won that one.
• 31:16
  They won that one. How could they not win that?
• 31:19
  So they edged out Story right by then when they were in the lead
• 31:22
  and she's panicking and I'm pretty sure the next thing was
• 31:25
  the lights display. Yes.
• 31:27
  And this is when Taron was like, Oh my God, we've got a lock in.
• 31:30
  This is getting out of control. Like Cole is actually popular
• 31:33
  for some reason. Everyone feels sympathy because
• 31:35
  his stupid parents died. I don't understand Taran with
• 31:39
  the fucking lights, The story goes, follows him to the
• 31:43
  hardware store, is listening and he's like, oh, we got to go for
• 31:46
  a simple classic, do barely all. And the story was like, yes.
• 31:50
  And Taran and Cindy were like, no, he's fucking with you.
• 31:53
  You've got to go big or you got to go home.
• 31:54
  And then Taran was like, you know what?
• 31:56
  Less is more. Exactly.
• 31:58
  She was screaming at story. She's like, you dumb
• 32:01
  motherfucker, he lied. They're tricking you.
• 32:06
  We got to paint this house fucking lights.
• 32:09
  And then she's like, let me get my measuring tape.
• 32:11
  We're only allowed a light per 1M.
• 32:16
  She's like, I really said Marie Kondo this shit.
• 32:19
  She's like, less is more. Minimal.
• 32:23
  No wonder Story was confused. She's like the environment
• 32:25
  matters. Story she's like, I know I just
• 32:28
  fucking screamed at you for being the dumbest bitch ever,
• 32:30
  but we're going to now do it your way even though we just
• 32:33
  told you we're not quite doing that and.
• 32:35
  Why would Cole care that much realistically about the hardware
• 32:38
  store? Like yes he's a manipulative
• 32:41
  fuck but at this point he wasn't as intense as even Taran thinks.
• 32:45
  Yes, and Sydney, they have this conspiracy theory.
• 32:47
  They were wearing tin hats indoors and you can't convince
• 32:51
  me. Otherwise, Cindy was probably
• 32:53
  the main one. She was wrapped in tinfoil.
• 32:58
  And bowl wrap. But then Taran was still getting
• 33:02
  into her crevices. So.
• 33:03
  Oh. My God, Which later on also,
• 33:06
  every time, like before we get too far ahead, every time they
• 33:11
  had a competition, they rolled Cindy out like she would and
• 33:15
  they kept going. They're using Decrepit Cindy.
• 33:19
  Yep, and they did. They were milking that shit.
• 33:21
  Cindy put her heart and soul into being decrepit.
• 33:26
  Broken hip. Even the eggnog competition,
• 33:28
  they were like fuck Max and Cole were like fuck me Cindy's in the
• 33:32
  corner. Like literally pulse on she.
• 33:37
  She's flatlined in the corner. Really giving her all into the
• 33:41
  form she. Was a fucking crooked.
• 33:47
  Pulse gone and. Then they would win and she'd be
• 33:51
  like jumping up and down and she'd be like, oh, got to get
• 33:53
  down with my broken hip rig. It should be in the corner, pale
• 33:58
  ice cold. Let's just Chuck her on the
• 34:00
  slab. She's done just and toasted like
• 34:03
  her head's cocked and then they'll be like, oh, we want and
• 34:05
  then she just like is popping her pussy.
• 34:07
  She's. Tina twerking in the back.
• 34:10
  She's fucking skin dangling. Tits waving low to the flow.
• 34:18
  Just the ass fucking swaying and.
• 34:24
  Then she'd be like. Hold up, I'm going to be
• 34:25
  tricking everyone, No. One else noticed.
• 34:27
  No, no, no one can not. Max and Atlas did.
• 34:32
  No one else noticed. Karen and the story didn't even
• 34:35
  fucking notice. They're like, oh anyway, that's
• 34:38
  just our crazy Aunt Cindy. She's.
• 34:40
  It's fine. She's good.
• 34:42
  She's really having some. Like the medicines kicked in.
• 34:46
  She's having a second window. OK, that eggnog was really
• 34:50
  fucking going. Cinnamon really hit the spot.
• 34:55
  That was their tactic is to make Cindy look like she's on her
• 34:57
  deathbed. What I don't understand about
• 34:59
  the light show is they later say, oh, it's about how the
• 35:03
  lights develop over time on your house.
• 35:05
  So doesn't it make sense to start off small and gradually
• 35:08
  build? Yes, but what kind of
• 35:10
  competition? Is that that's stupid.
• 35:11
  Who has the time to add an extra fucking string of lights every
• 35:14
  day or whatever? Stomp.
• 35:16
  They do. None of them had jobs.
• 35:18
  This. Economy like what are.
• 35:21
  They all going on like I don't even know what Jimmy did.
• 35:24
  Beatrice was a vet. Beatrice pedigree.
• 35:28
  Beatrice is pulling in for the bills because it's not old mate.
• 35:34
  I just anyway. So this is the bit where they
• 35:37
  still have this animosity amongst each other.
• 35:40
  They're still like, we've got to be coal.
• 35:41
  I don't know, whatever the fuck. And then isn't it Taran that
• 35:45
  says you've got to go over there and sabotage the lights because
• 35:47
  the judges are literally coming around the corner and stories
• 35:50
  like, oh shit, I better do what everyone tells me to do runs
• 35:53
  over there, lives big horse marks in the snow, and then she
• 35:57
  fucking. How do you fuck up?
• 35:59
  Ruining a whole set of lights? Bitch, unplug the whole thing.
• 36:02
  What are you doing? Cut the wire.
• 36:04
  What the wire? She only.
• 36:07
  Fucking undid 1 little. String.
• 36:09
  She did one bulb and she was like, my hands aren't working
• 36:12
  well if you had scissors. And then it looks like she's
• 36:15
  rubbing one out in the Bush. She's like, Oh no, it looks like
• 36:17
  I'm masturbating. Well, then don't do it, idiot.
• 36:20
  She's go. She's like, oh, Cole's Bush.
• 36:26
  She's like, it is gone. And then she just.
• 36:28
  Fucking worms awake. That's right, fucking she like.
• 36:35
  Doesn't she whack her own head on the she?
• 36:37
  She does, she does something and then she has to drag herself
• 36:40
  away and Max and Max and Cole come out and they're like, it
• 36:44
  sounds like someone hit themselves and I'm like, go have
• 36:49
  a fucking look then. Exactly.
• 36:52
  It's your yard. I'm like, who's out here?
• 36:55
  Who's? On my lawn.
• 36:57
  Who's rubbing one out in my Bush?
• 37:00
  Leave my grass alone. What fucking perverts out here,
• 37:05
  Jake. It's one of the old ladies who
• 37:07
  sees it's Mattress Shark. They wanted the second serve.
• 37:10
  Oh. They're just out his window
• 37:12
  like. He's like, oh look, there's hoof
• 37:14
  Marks and snow leading exactly to a fucking story sized bang
• 37:19
  mark outfits and then so they rush over because obviously they
• 37:23
  live right next door. Story has a fucking ice pack on
• 37:26
  her head, wrapping the blankets and wrapped in blankets with
• 37:30
  hyperthermia. They're just like kind of looks
• 37:35
  like you just fucking broke A1 strand of light and hit your
• 37:39
  head and she's like, no, I didn't.
• 37:41
  She's. Like I've been here, busy
• 37:44
  soaking my feet in hot water. And then of course, Cindy and
• 37:49
  Taran are like. She's been here the whole time.
• 37:52
  They they are ride or dies. They are ride if I.
• 37:55
  Ever do a crime? I need Aunt Cindy.
• 37:57
  Yeah, she doesn't know. She's she knows everything and
• 38:01
  nothing and. Taran, she's probably too busy
• 38:06
  washing Aunt Cindy's crack at the exact time.
• 38:08
  No, she's totally story hasn't even left the house.
• 38:12
  Of all the things that Cole ever blamed her for, he should have
• 38:16
  just gone for the lights and nothing else.
• 38:18
  Yeah, to be honest, for some reason he doesn't seem to care
• 38:22
  too much about that. Right.
• 38:23
  Or was this the phase where he was still pissy?
• 38:25
  I can't remember. Oh, that's right, he was pissy.
• 38:28
  Yes, he was still pissy. I don't even know if they're up
• 38:30
  to the date. Yeah, no, no, no.
• 38:32
  This was before when they were still pissy.
• 38:34
  He hadn't even admitted he thought he thinks she's hot yet.
• 38:37
  To himself, yes. And he was like this bitch gets
• 38:41
  to sabotage my lights and the judges thought that we were
• 38:44
  missing like 1 strand of lights and now we're not going to get
• 38:47
  that. Oh.
• 38:48
  Shut up. Literally.
• 38:51
  But that's this is when Taran's even like, if they can't
• 38:54
  appreciate how simple it is, what happened to the bigger the
• 38:58
  better? Exactly, Taran is the biggest
• 39:01
  flip flopper ever. I know we mentioned the fake
• 39:03
  dating yes, but a bit off. This is when they introduced
• 39:05
  that concept sort of accidentally because they were
• 39:08
  being people watched. Yes, and then Cole was
• 39:11
  pretending to ask her out. Yes.
• 39:13
  His ego was totally wanked off the second she was like oh he,
• 39:17
  he maybe. Like, yeah, yeah.
• 39:20
  He wanted that validation from the get go.
• 39:23
  That man has never looked at a woman a day in his life.
• 39:26
  Never. Because they set up the date to
• 39:28
  be the next night because it was some little festival lovers
• 39:31
  thing already. And they're like, oh, this will
• 39:34
  be perfect. Loads of people will be able to
• 39:36
  watch us Fake date when you planned out this cute date and
• 39:40
  she was having fun. But the fact that there was
• 39:42
  literally a bunch of Karen's following them around?
• 39:46
  Yeah, that's weird. And they?
• 39:47
  Made out in front of like 2 old ladies.
• 39:49
  Yeah. And then?
• 39:51
  Only after they were making out did the ladies go, oh, let's
• 39:54
  give them some privacy. So what, you're just standing
• 39:56
  there going? They've got no lives, Yes, like.
• 40:00
  Mouth open. Just while they're like talking
• 40:02
  to each other. Full.
• 40:05
  Licking like dog licking. Mind you he did well with that
• 40:09
  day. It was not a bad day.
• 40:11
  I will give him points for this day.
• 40:14
  Yeah, it was a good day. He had a start, he had a finish.
• 40:18
  I didn't even mind this bit. I my problem is everything that
• 40:23
  happened after this bit. Oh oh.
• 40:25
  This is where it all went downhill.
• 40:26
  This is where every bit of this book got worse.
• 40:31
  Every single time these two did anything together they had to
• 40:36
  have a long explanation to each other like a long ass dialogue
• 40:41
  about why they did it, how they did it and it just fucking.
• 40:45
  It was like 3 pages of like you moaned.
• 40:48
  So I opened my mouth more and I was like, OK, well we passed
• 40:52
  this. What are we doing?
• 40:53
  Now analyzing everything. They analyzed everything and it
• 40:56
  went forever. So she had already brought up
• 40:59
  before like why did you seem so pissy when I got back to town
• 41:04
  and he kind of just ignored her and didn't answer it properly.
• 41:08
  The only reason why he admitted everything is because she got
• 41:11
  into that little car situation on the way to the candy making.
• 41:15
  So she was like slip sliding on the road.
• 41:17
  And then he like, felt so guilty because he didn't ask her if she
• 41:21
  needed a lift because obviously they were going to the same
• 41:23
  place. Yeah.
• 41:24
  And he was like a little bit traumatized about his parents
• 41:26
  accident. Yeah.
• 41:27
  And he was like, oh shit, I've been trying to do these drives
• 41:31
  myself and be really good at driving on the snow and the ice
• 41:35
  and everything that I didn't stop to think that she might
• 41:38
  need a lift, blah blah, because she doesn't always drive in
• 41:40
  these conditions. And then he felt bad.
• 41:42
  But I don't understand Cindy and Taran just being like, yeah, go
• 41:45
  drive in the fucking horrendous weather.
• 41:48
  Yep. They don't care and that's the
• 41:51
  only reason why he admitted it. If you were hurt, OK.
• 41:55
  It's one thing to be like, oh, that's kind of sad for you.
• 41:58
  I would not take responsibility. No, she took responsibility and
• 42:02
  not only she was like, oh, what have I done?
• 42:05
  And he was like, literally the night you came over and
• 42:07
  complained about your embarrassing night, my parents
• 42:10
  died. It has nothing to do with her to
• 42:13
  do with it. You literally could have been
• 42:15
  like, hey, story, my parents are missing.
• 42:18
  And she probably would have fucking wrapped up.
• 42:20
  She would have shut up. Yeah, she's not a bad person.
• 42:24
  She's never once demonstrated that she's a bad person.
• 42:27
  No. Not once.
• 42:29
  He has plenty of time. That's the irony is that he's
• 42:34
  holding on to this idea that she's the bad one when he's done
• 42:39
  that many bad things. How are you supposed to know?
• 42:42
  Because. She's only allowed to be
• 42:43
  perfect. Typical woman.
• 42:45
  Typical. Typical woman.
• 42:47
  And the annoying thing is she feels so guilty and so bad and
• 42:50
  starts profusely apologising, but she practically opens her
• 42:54
  legs right then and there. And I was like, Cole's such a
• 42:56
  manipulative piece of shit because he.
• 42:59
  Owes a copy. She owes me sex because she
• 43:02
  didn't want to fuck when we were teenagers and I put in the bare
• 43:05
  minimum of talking to her like a human being.
• 43:07
  Yes, so that was the full insult.
• 43:10
  He was. He was always insult all the
• 43:12
  time. You cannot hate someone that
• 43:14
  much. No and then automatically be
• 43:17
  obsessed. Also they never had a
• 43:19
  conversation. Every conversation they had was
• 43:23
  them analysing things they did with each other.
• 43:26
  Weird. It was weird, it was annoying,
• 43:28
  it was long. They had that weird emotional
• 43:31
  chat and they're like, oh, now we can wipe the slate clean.
• 43:35
  Fuck you. I wouldn't even.
• 43:36
  She's been. Bullying her since day one.
• 43:39
  I'd be like. Can you apologize for being an
• 43:40
  absolute cunt then? Or he was.
• 43:42
  Trying to like, drive her out of town.
• 43:45
  Literally get it skirt skirt. She'll like explodes in her car
• 43:51
  and she's like oh, too far too far.
• 43:54
  Oh, then he would just milk that for the next 10 years.
• 43:57
  He'd be like, she died exactly like my parents did.
• 43:59
  I'm extra traumatized. She did it to me on purpose.
• 44:02
  Oh. Anytime they flirt, it has to be
• 44:05
  Christmas related. It's disgusting.
• 44:07
  It's. Disgusting.
• 44:08
  He'll be like your candy cane nipples.
• 44:11
  Literally. I want your jingling nipples.
• 44:14
  I'm bouncing on my Dick. I.
• 44:16
  Don't understand, I know it's a Christmas book, but it didn't
• 44:20
  need to be this much Christmas. No, because.
• 44:25
  Even care about she. Was asking him, they were asking
• 44:28
  each other about who they've had sex with.
• 44:30
  I'm pretty sure this is around the same time and she goes
• 44:33
  getting naked with another person and having them play
• 44:35
  around with your candy cane. Grow up, you're 28 year old.
• 44:43
  Say penis. That's a.
• 44:44
  Directive from Emily herself. I've had a she's mad, I'm mad,
• 44:50
  I've wasted time. I do not believe for a second
• 44:53
  that Cole has had sex more recently.
• 44:55
  No, shut up. Oh cool, a mystery girl that
• 44:58
  doesn't even go here that you banged in a hotel?
• 45:01
  And what hotel? And out of Towner.
• 45:04
  Oh, OK. Yeah, and out of towner as in
• 45:07
  did you pay someone to? Sleep with you.
• 45:09
  Could you imagine what? There's no way he's organically
• 45:13
  chatting to some girl. In some he's.
• 45:15
  Got no nothing. At most, he's fucking Max.
• 45:20
  Max is too good for him. Actually, in saying that,
• 45:23
  doesn't she kind of ask him if he did fuck Max?
• 45:25
  She goes was it? Who knows?
• 45:27
  No. I feel like I missed that.
• 45:29
  That would have made me interested.
• 45:31
  Just never fucking end. So obviously he's a virgin.
• 45:33
  In my mind, he. Is he he come to you quickly?
• 45:37
  You can't tell me otherwise, okay?
• 45:39
  This was the turning point in the book, and this is when I
• 45:41
  picked it up yesterday and I started it two weeks ago.
• 45:44
  Yeah, So I was like, is this a different fucking book?
• 45:47
  Because it went from Christmas la di da ROM com fucking home
• 45:52
  alone to what the fuck is this smart out of nowhere?
• 45:57
  What? It's almost like they tried to
• 45:59
  load it all in the back to satisfy all the lack of sex from
• 46:03
  the start. Yes.
• 46:05
  And I was like, whoa. But there was no also no sex.
• 46:09
  It was just. What were you reading?
• 46:11
  No. We were reading the same book
• 46:13
  they had. Well, they did have a lot of
• 46:14
  sex, but there was like you only read like one sex scene.
• 46:19
  Yeah, the rest was I guess implied, but the first sex scene
• 46:24
  they were just dry humping and she went over to his house after
• 46:29
  that to have proper sex later or whatever the fuck.
• 46:32
  And then he has a Miss Piggy poster on his wall.
• 46:35
  It was no. They humped downstairs and they
• 46:37
  were like, let's go. Upstairs and he's like warning
• 46:39
  her about the room and he's like, oh, just by the way, it's
• 46:42
  a bit of a time capsule. I think you can take down your
• 46:45
  teenage things. You're home enough, my guy.
• 46:48
  Like why Miss Piggy out of anything?
• 46:50
  Max is someone that gave it to him.
• 46:52
  I know, but for this book, wouldn't it make sense to be the
• 46:55
  Grinch True by Jim Carrey? True, Miss Piggy does some
• 47:00
  amazing Christmas specials. I would just want one little
• 47:04
  inch of my life to not be Christmassy.
• 47:06
  OK, exactly. That's why Miss Piggy's on the
• 47:08
  wall. Also, she asks him if he's had a
• 47:13
  wank. That man totally has.
• 47:15
  He has. He has.
• 47:17
  Miss Piggy, obviously, she's a queen, She's a diva.
• 47:20
  We love. We love Slay.
• 47:21
  I want to point out that not Miss Piggy related love her.
• 47:26
  Why is it that story was like, you set the sanded for me to
• 47:31
  call? She said that to him.
• 47:33
  What that was after though, I feel like that was directly
• 47:36
  after she physically took out a ruler to measure his Dick
• 47:39
  length. Yes, she was like you were the
• 47:41
  boy that set the standard. A standard no one has else yet
• 47:44
  to match. You just haven't even had a
• 47:46
  fucking conversation. And what is this so-called
• 47:50
  standard? What has he done that's been
• 47:53
  nice? He's tried to sabotage her in
• 47:56
  this competition even after like.
• 47:58
  Fucking he was like your standard for men must be low and
• 48:01
  she goes before you, but you've raised the bar news haven't done
• 48:05
  anything but he's. Doing the bare minimum.
• 48:08
  He will not even. He took her on one date and it
• 48:10
  was fake dating. He paid for a fucking sausage
• 48:14
  bitch if that's her. Highest standard that's
• 48:17
  disturbing. It is you know what though?
• 48:19
  Before they actually have sex. So they dry hunk downstairs,
• 48:22
  they go upstairs, they go to have real sex.
• 48:25
  And then of course it was the fucking typical take a fucking
• 48:30
  shot for every time this ever happens in a book .5 of a second
• 48:33
  conversation of oh I'm clean and on birth control so we can just
• 48:37
  smash raw. Immediately and jam it in,
• 48:40
  essentially. I'm sick of it.
• 48:42
  I've had it off. Just put.
• 48:45
  It in waiting until the head is fully like halfway in the
• 48:48
  fucking pussy. I'm like you fucking hop
• 48:50
  downstairs, do it on your walk up, bitch.
• 48:53
  She ate his juice. Already that's true, that's
• 48:57
  true. She straddled her.
• 49:00
  That's what I mean. Came in her face.
• 49:02
  Also, the man only got a Christmas tree to fuck.
• 49:08
  That's how much of an insult he is.
• 49:10
  She was like you've never fucked in front of a Christmas tree and
• 49:12
  he's like oh better get one, better get one.
• 49:15
  He was down there. It was like 4 in the morning.
• 49:18
  He was the first one in, first one out.
• 49:22
  He didn't even last a second. He's.
• 49:23
  Probably like have you got the pre decorated ones with the
• 49:27
  lights attached? Yes.
• 49:29
  So I don't want to actually. Put effort in.
• 49:30
  He's like, actually just give me something plastic.
• 49:32
  You can't tell me this man has ever even had sex though.
• 49:35
  No. He's never had sex in the car.
• 49:37
  He's never had sex in front of a Christmas tree.
• 49:39
  He's never had sex. I just oh.
• 49:45
  Can I just say that although Cole is just so cringe, story
• 49:50
  keeps saying copulating. James Big Bang Theory.
• 49:55
  Calm down. Literally Sheldon Cooper.
• 49:58
  I hate it. I hate it.
• 50:00
  You're, you're telling me you're hot redhead and you say
• 50:02
  copulating. There's no way.
• 50:03
  There's no way you're telling me you edit Christmas romance
• 50:08
  movies and that's. Your way to go.
• 50:10
  And then he thought he was so sexy because every time he's
• 50:12
  like, no fuck. He.
• 50:14
  Fucked. And it's like, yeah, Cole, he's
• 50:18
  doing. He's giving those boys who
• 50:19
  pretend to be alpha wolfs on TikTok, Yes.
• 50:23
  No, but she was like, oh, the way he's saying fucking, he's
• 50:27
  just speaking so. I didn't even know he had a
• 50:30
  beard. Yeah, and then lady has a beard
• 50:33
  and I'm like, oh, of course he would.
• 50:35
  I need it. Everything's Christmas related.
• 50:39
  He needs that. Ho ho.
• 50:45
  I didn't know where I was going with that one.
• 50:46
  So it was like it was at the tip of my tongue.
• 50:48
  And then does it work? Went away.
• 50:51
  No God. But of course, after they have
• 50:54
  sex, after they fuck a million times, this man could barely
• 50:58
  fucking last two seconds. But they were fucking every 5
• 51:00
  seconds. He has no fluids left in his
• 51:02
  body. No, he's dehydrated.
• 51:03
  Dehydrated grey iron deficient. And they're calling him Snow
• 51:08
  Daddy because that was Max's actual joke thing.
• 51:10
  And then she like cracked it on. She's just wailing the house
• 51:14
  down screaming snow Daddy. She's snow, daddy.
• 51:16
  She's like Cindy and Tara know nothing.
• 51:19
  Meanwhile, Cindy's like with her binoculars going yes.
• 51:23
  What was with Tara and her stupid boyfriend who's called
• 51:25
  guy? How generic anyway?
• 51:28
  And then that's the reason why she implied that story would
• 51:31
  have to stay in the room with the creepy All American Dolls.
• 51:34
  So because she could whack one out every 5 minutes with the guy
• 51:37
  on FaceTime. Just do it with the creepy dolls
• 51:40
  girl. Who cares?
• 51:44
  Who cares like them when it closes in the.
• 51:46
  Background anyway in the in these videos.
• 51:48
  Like you don't. She just didn't want them to be
• 51:52
  in there, I suppose. Turn.
• 51:53
  Them around, I mean story did she went out with them in there.
• 51:58
  Exactly. After they have their fucking
• 52:01
  sex montage we get like a chapter of text messages.
• 52:07
  Oh, it was so bad. It was the worst fucking things
• 52:11
  I've ever read in my life. And why do we have to get them
• 52:15
  in text form? Why would they long and no one
• 52:18
  speaks like that. You're telling me this is what
• 52:21
  he says to her? Your eyes captivate me story,
• 52:24
  And I don't mean that in a cheesy way.
• 52:26
  Your voice, it commands me in a way I've never experienced.
• 52:29
  Especially when you're deep, pulsing and taking every last
• 52:32
  answer. My pleasure.
• 52:33
  And then she goes and your chest.
• 52:36
  God, I love it so much. It's thick, sturdy, and the
• 52:39
  perfect place to land when I'm seeing you more and comfort it.
• 52:42
  I want nothing more to curl up in your chest right now.
• 52:44
  They sent that in a text message to each other.
• 52:48
  And also. To each other they wrote that
• 52:50
  out. You are adults, you live 5
• 52:53
  seconds away from each other. Calm the fuck down.
• 52:57
  But it was like a whole chapter of text messages.
• 53:01
  Like that and they were all Christmas innuendo as well.
• 53:04
  Yes, mixed in. But I'm like, who says that?
• 53:07
  No one say you walk up to your boyfriend and you're like your
• 53:10
  chest. God, I love it.
• 53:13
  It's thick, it's sturdy, it's a perfect place for me to.
• 53:16
  If I text him that he'd think I'm having an affair with
• 53:18
  someone else and I accidentally sent it to the wrong person
• 53:20
  because why would I send that to him?
• 53:23
  He'd be like, you never talk to me like this.
• 53:25
  I'll be like, sorry, I was just. Trying to keep it spicy.
• 53:28
  No one speaks like that. And it just, it was them going
• 53:31
  back and forth saying things about their random body parts.
• 53:35
  He's like, you know what, Your nose, it smells so good and it
• 53:38
  smells me every time I'm in the room with you.
• 53:41
  Told you he's an alpha. He's an alpha.
• 53:47
  I honestly this is torture at this point.
• 53:50
  I was like what is the point of this?
• 53:51
  And you know what? I hated every bit of it.
• 53:53
  And I forced, I had to force myself to read it.
• 53:56
  I forced myself because I'm like, maybe it will be funny.
• 53:59
  No, it was traumatizing. I need therapy.
• 54:03
  Can I just? Speaks like that.
• 54:05
  Can I just say something? No Dick, daddy Ding Dong.
• 54:10
  Dick, daddy, Ding Dong, Who comes up with that?
• 54:15
  At least, I think that's what it was.
• 54:16
  I was scrambling to write in my notes.
• 54:18
  That's what it was. OK, good.
• 54:20
  He could have. Been like big Dick daddy but he
• 54:25
  said Dick. Story book here comes.
• 54:27
  Big Dick daddy, but no, he's like fuck, we're going to end up
• 54:32
  daddy Dick list. Well, we're.
• 54:34
  Going to end up fucking cancelled.
• 54:37
  This is not my fault. We blame Megan gone, honestly.
• 54:45
  This is where I was blacking out.
• 54:48
  Good ways where I started skipping because I was so
• 54:52
  traumatized from this and the second sexy happy for them.
• 54:56
  The second I was not happy all they did was shit like this and
• 55:02
  then they do it in person. I'm like, you don't even.
• 55:06
  Didn't understand they were full bumping uglies at this point.
• 55:10
  The whole town. The whole town.
• 55:12
  Would have. Taran didn't know.
• 55:14
  Shut up. The whole town was practically
• 55:16
  like just fucking your front yard already so we can watch
• 55:19
  because they're filthy. Tara must have been so wrapped
• 55:22
  up with Guy that she didn't notice.
• 55:24
  Her priorities were not on anything but Christmas.
• 55:27
  She was handling her own crevices just as much as not
• 55:31
  Cindy's, if not more. She'd be like, oh, I didn't know
• 55:33
  you left the house because I was whacking one out.
• 55:38
  Is everyone like really horny in this town or what?
• 55:41
  She didn't. Want to tell her sister about a
• 55:43
  boyfriend? But she can tell her she's
• 55:44
  whacking nuts. Wow, as if there's never a need
• 55:51
  for a sibling to know that. No, I'm sorry, there's never a.
• 55:55
  Need and even when she went in that room in the 1st place,
• 55:57
  she's like, I don't want this room so I can whack one out.
• 56:00
  You could have just been like, I've done 10 years of the
• 56:03
  fucking American Girl doll. Things.
• 56:06
  It's your turn. Exactly.
• 56:08
  There was no function like. You're single, you're not going
• 56:11
  to be whacking one out. No if.
• 56:12
  Anything. That's when you would be because
• 56:14
  you're all single and you're trying to enjoy your life.
• 56:18
  Jesus Christ Jesus was not happy about this town.
• 56:22
  No. Can you believe Jesus is sitting
• 56:25
  there going This isn't what I wanted Christmas to be?
• 56:28
  And it only gets worse. Oh, it only gets worse.
• 56:31
  Because they get they go on a second date.
• 56:33
  I don't know if you're there yet, but.
• 56:34
  We are now they decide that it was fake yet like I mean not.
• 56:37
  Fake. They were not fake now, but they
• 56:40
  were going on a fake date to Vince the town.
• 56:43
  He was like, we're actually gonna go on a date tonight to
• 56:45
  see the reindeers, and she's like the reindeer's house.
• 56:49
  Who? Cares if you were anyone else in
• 56:52
  the town. It's not like they're proud.
• 56:54
  And Angelina, everyone's like, like we have to die so.
• 56:58
  Bored because all they think about is Christmas, but she
• 57:03
  like. She's so invested if these guys
• 57:06
  fuck or not. Certainly the only thing they
• 57:12
  care about anything. They're in the car, they're
• 57:14
  driving up to fucking mount reindeer.
• 57:20
  And she shivers and he goes, are you cold?
• 57:24
  And she goes no. And he goes but you shivered and
• 57:27
  he goes. She goes because you dragged
• 57:29
  your hand over my upper thigh. And he goes did I arouse you?
• 57:34
  Fucking? Not now.
• 57:37
  That's look she's populating so. I don't know if that's funny
• 57:41
  that could be considered funny compared to this shit I.
• 57:44
  Feel like because she's hot she gets away with it because he's
• 57:48
  just nasty but copulating? Couldn't you could be like, oh,
• 57:51
  that's just a weird word she says.
• 57:53
  Because I say provisions a lot to annoy my boyfriend.
• 57:57
  Provision. Provisions.
• 58:00
  What is that from? It's provisions.
• 58:03
  Cool. You know how like in the olden
• 58:06
  days they would be giving out provisions?
• 58:08
  Yeah, it was in a show. And then ever since then I just
• 58:10
  screamed at him. Don't ask me why it.
• 58:13
  Doesn't make it, doesn't need to make sense, no.
• 58:15
  OK. I would talk about all the
• 58:16
  things we say, but it just none of it makes sense.
• 58:18
  No, it doesn't make sense unless you know us.
• 58:22
  Can I just say one thing for the for the record, before we get
• 58:26
  into the candy cane scenario, trigger morning sex with food
• 58:35
  for that one. But can I just say for the
• 58:38
  record that she could feel him all the way to her kidney?
• 58:43
  How did she know? But.
• 58:44
  He's big Dick Daddy. How?
• 58:46
  Did How did she know? She's like, whoa.
• 58:48
  The kidney impact. On the kidney bitch.
• 58:51
  What? I don't even know what.
• 58:53
  Side my kidneys are I. Don't know where my kid.
• 58:56
  My kidneys in my lower back on the right side somewhere.
• 58:59
  Could I point that out from the inside?
• 59:01
  Absolutely not. She could have said in her
• 59:03
  chest. She could have said it.
• 59:07
  Smashing into my brain my. Brain.
• 59:13
  Someone to help me out with this?
• 59:14
  Come on. I don't think that's the problem
• 59:15
  with this entire. I don't think that's the
• 59:17
  problem. I don't think we need to focus
• 59:19
  on the. Kidney.
• 59:20
  No, I just wanted to put it on the record.
• 59:23
  Put it on the record. I don't think it matters
• 59:24
  compared to what? Compared to about what we're
• 59:27
  about to speak about because? You go.
• 59:30
  I didn't write notes for it. I was too traumatized.
• 59:32
  You were traumatized the second this.
• 59:34
  He brought out a big, thick candy cane.
• 59:39
  I knew one was going for one. I decided as soon as the candy
• 59:43
  cane came out. Just letting you know that if he
• 59:46
  inserted it in her, I was quitting.
• 59:49
  So. If he inserted it inside her
• 59:53
  cooch, I was out. I was done.
• 59:55
  I wouldn't read the rest of the book.
• 59:57
  I decided that was a boundary for me and lucky for me, gone.
• 1:00:01
  She did not write that down. However, he did swirl it around
• 1:00:06
  her clit and then suck on it. Put it back and swell it around.
• 1:00:10
  Suck on it. Put it back in pineapple
• 1:00:12
  flavored don't think I'll ever taste of pineapple candy cane
• 1:00:15
  again in my life. Just where was the thought he it
• 1:00:19
  was one of Jimmy's. OK, let's before we continue
• 1:00:23
  into the sex scene, I would like to point out that in a
• 1:00:30
  competition, it was either the fruitcake or the eggnog one.
• 1:00:34
  Yeah, they kept pointing out how Jimmy kept wiping his boogers on
• 1:00:39
  the back of his hands. Booger, Jimmy.
• 1:00:42
  Booger Jimmy Jimmy loves a good booger.
• 1:00:44
  He's saving up later, his hand caked.
• 1:00:48
  You. See.
• 1:00:50
  Because wiped one of his candy canes.
• 1:00:53
  Over the wrapped vacuum sealed. That doesn't matter because at
• 1:00:56
  the end of the day they were throwing the sugar on the hook
• 1:01:00
  and stretching it out with their hands.
• 1:01:02
  So essentially they're rubbing. Cane.
• 1:01:05
  Jimmy's boogers on her nipples and her clit and then she sucked
• 1:01:10
  that off his penis and he loved. It.
• 1:01:12
  He loved every bit of it. They loved it.
• 1:01:15
  It was different it. Was different.
• 1:01:20
  I'm like, I think I got, I got to the point where he was doing
• 1:01:23
  it to the nipples and I was like, swear to God, if you put
• 1:01:26
  that inside of her, I will not finish this book.
• 1:01:30
  I would have been like, oh hey, when are you coming over to
• 1:01:32
  record the episode? Never.
• 1:01:33
  And you just never. You just would have left it on
• 1:01:35
  red. I would have been like, you know
• 1:01:37
  what I'm. Busy.
• 1:01:39
  And you're like, oh, OK. And then I just keep asking you
• 1:01:41
  every week. And then you're just like,
• 1:01:43
  sorry, it's like Christmas is over.
• 1:01:46
  It's like, when are we just going to like, not do the
• 1:01:48
  Christmas book? They're fucking he, she, he rubs
• 1:01:53
  it all over the sugar, all over his penis, whatever.
• 1:01:56
  But then this man, after they fuck, he grabs the candy cane,
• 1:02:01
  scoops up his cum and makes her suck it off the candy cane.
• 1:02:06
  Why did he think that she loved his cum that much?
• 1:02:08
  She did I, I know, but. Is this why it was pineapple
• 1:02:12
  flavoured? I don't know, but he.
• 1:02:15
  To make the cum taste better. She so picked me because of all
• 1:02:17
  the guilt about his dead parents that she's just willing to do
• 1:02:20
  anything. If he was like, I'm going to
• 1:02:22
  shove this candy cane up your asshole, she'd be like, say
• 1:02:25
  less. But he did.
• 1:02:27
  He kept putting in his. Mouth, But he did.
• 1:02:29
  He practically almost did. Apparently the there was a line
• 1:02:34
  drawn and it was at insertion. Thank God.
• 1:02:38
  Yeah, because then everyone would have gone crazy in the
• 1:02:40
  chat about yeast infections. Fair.
• 1:02:42
  So. I feel like she knew where to
• 1:02:44
  stop. Barely.
• 1:02:46
  She should have stopped before the candy cane the line.
• 1:02:48
  Is thrush. Fucking the candy cane Dick play
• 1:02:51
  is illegal. It's illegal.
• 1:02:54
  They were like, how do we make this even in more insane?
• 1:02:57
  It's Christmas, really. I also want to point out candy
• 1:03:00
  cane adjacent related. They have sex one time and he
• 1:03:04
  goes and buys whipped cream, strawberry, chocolate sauce and
• 1:03:07
  everything and he's like, I bought all this stuff with Max
• 1:03:10
  and you're really not going to come over.
• 1:03:12
  How do you know that's what she's into?
• 1:03:14
  You haven't had a conversation that shit would harden.
• 1:03:17
  It's. Cold.
• 1:03:19
  He doesn't care though. Everything's a guilt trip.
• 1:03:21
  No, I come over immediately. I went out and bought this
• 1:03:24
  stuff. My mom.
• 1:03:26
  Used to make candy canes. My mum used to make cocoa with
• 1:03:32
  these things. Ingredients.
• 1:03:33
  She's like looking down at him like I didn't raise this bitch.
• 1:03:38
  Bitch, I didn't raise this bitch.
• 1:03:41
  Can I just ask why we have to hear about his balls tightening
• 1:03:46
  that many times? How tight are these balls?
• 1:03:49
  Shouldn't they be relaxed by now since they've offloaded a
• 1:03:51
  million times? No.
• 1:03:52
  Why do they keep tightening? They're working in OverDrive.
• 1:03:55
  She asked him at some point how his Dick was this one now
• 1:03:58
  texting and he was like stiff to my stomach with something.
• 1:04:04
  Haven't these two ever heard of being hard to get?
• 1:04:08
  No. No, they're practically trying
• 1:04:12
  to sign any. Marriage certificate.
• 1:04:13
  I just don't understand how you both don't have sex for years
• 1:04:18
  and you to fucking each other with a candy cane.
• 1:04:20
  Well. Supposedly months, so they're
• 1:04:23
  sorry. They're lying.
• 1:04:27
  Everything's all good because obviously they'd be smashing,
• 1:04:30
  and for some reason they've got to come back and rejudge the
• 1:04:33
  stupid Christmas lights. Yeah, And story's freaking out
• 1:04:36
  because she's like, oh, my God. Like Taron, we didn't do that
• 1:04:38
  part properly. Like, we really need these
• 1:04:40
  points, blah, blah. And then because obviously now
• 1:04:44
  Kohl's whipped, he's like, oh, my God, it's fine.
• 1:04:47
  They judge it more about the lights getting better over time
• 1:04:50
  so put more on blah blah blah. Do it up.
• 1:04:52
  Go big go home. Go big go.
• 1:04:53
  Home. Meanwhile, in the background,
• 1:04:57
  Taryn's figuring out that they're hooking up, but she
• 1:05:01
  doesn't think that her sister's just genuinely hooking up with
• 1:05:05
  him. She thinks that she's trying to
• 1:05:07
  get back at him for trying to sabotage her in the first place.
• 1:05:11
  She thinks he's doing it to her. Yeah.
• 1:05:13
  And the only reason Taryn works it out is because they're doing
• 1:05:17
  like a sewing competition and she loses.
• 1:05:20
  And for some unknown reason, Cole is wearing a thong and
• 1:05:23
  everybody knows and. It's because she got distracted.
• 1:05:26
  And she kept looking at his thong, at his the pink G string
• 1:05:30
  poking out the top. And then Taron's like, of
• 1:05:32
  course. He's been playing that's.
• 1:05:36
  Another reason for a man to be wearing a thong.
• 1:05:38
  He's been. Leading her along for.
• 1:05:40
  Two weeks complete Fuck boy. I mean, he's depressed, he
• 1:05:45
  doesn't leave his house, but he's using a.
• 1:05:47
  She's working the Gherkin. So instead of putting more
• 1:05:50
  lights up like a normal person was, she goes and takes all of
• 1:05:54
  his lights down. But you know, what I don't
• 1:05:56
  understand is that she's even thinking the story's that insane
• 1:06:02
  that she's willing to pimp herself out too cold in order to
• 1:06:07
  win this for Cindy. Do you know what I mean?
• 1:06:09
  Because she goes, oh, well, Story doesn't like him back.
• 1:06:11
  She's just fucking him so that we'll win.
• 1:06:14
  Yeah, to get him back. Like to be able to manipulate
• 1:06:17
  him back. So she actually did us things.
• 1:06:19
  That her twin sister is that corrupt that she's willing to
• 1:06:21
  fuck someone she hates? Yeah, or she's like her sister
• 1:06:25
  is that dumb that she's getting used by this guy that's been in
• 1:06:29
  love with her forever. So Taran done goofed.
• 1:06:34
  It was hilarious. Yeah, no.
• 1:06:36
  What person she was like, I'm gonna take them all down.
• 1:06:39
  How? Who?
• 1:06:40
  This down is nosy. How did no one stop her?
• 1:06:43
  Exactly. How did she have the time?
• 1:06:45
  She just whipped those those lights down.
• 1:06:48
  And then Max pretty much goes to college.
• 1:06:50
  He's like, bro, our lights are gone.
• 1:06:53
  He's like Story did this. And then Max has always been
• 1:06:56
  suspicious of story when like, what, when she had.
• 1:07:00
  And he's like, you know what, bro?
• 1:07:01
  I'm really just trying to look out for you bro.
• 1:07:04
  He was hyping them up. Literally.
• 1:07:06
  And he's like, I don't know bro. I don't know bro.
• 1:07:09
  She would do that, you know, because the easier option of
• 1:07:12
  putting her own females, these females, they'd be really out
• 1:07:15
  here. They'd be really out here
• 1:07:17
  ripping our lights. Down ripping our hearts out.
• 1:07:19
  And then, of course, cold storms over their house and screams and
• 1:07:23
  Story's face. You know, because that wouldn't
• 1:07:25
  give me the ick immediately. She didn't.
• 1:07:27
  Even know what happened she had. No idea.
• 1:07:29
  That was hilarious. He came in there going off.
• 1:07:32
  And she's like, what is going going on?
• 1:07:34
  Span's acting like she fucking lit his house on fire.
• 1:07:38
  Actual And then she was sitting there about to pretty much admit
• 1:07:41
  to him that she loves him. And then he does that.
• 1:07:44
  He's like storms off and they drive away.
• 1:07:46
  She's like chasing after the car dramatically.
• 1:07:49
  Shame. And he's like, I hate Christmas.
• 1:07:51
  I hate women. But he's allowed to have those
• 1:07:54
  opinions because he's a man. But.
• 1:07:55
  She's not allowed to have that opinion when she was 18 and
• 1:07:58
  having an actual disaster, yes. But he's literally like women
• 1:08:02
  suck, I'm never celebrating again.
• 1:08:05
  Fuck Christmas, fuck my parents, this town sucks.
• 1:08:09
  I hate Christmas, but I'm never going to leave the Christmas
• 1:08:11
  town. You know what?
• 1:08:12
  He's the one who actually hates Christmas, not Story.
• 1:08:15
  Yeah. So projection and then Taran's
• 1:08:19
  like, oh, oops. But she's.
• 1:08:22
  Like, I love him, Tara, and I love him.
• 1:08:26
  He's to love him. Oh my.
• 1:08:27
  God, and Cindy's like, oh, we better have a chat because I may
• 1:08:31
  have fucked up. I may have acted my little heart
• 1:08:34
  out. Too close to the sun.
• 1:08:35
  So Cindy had bring him back to town because she thought the
• 1:08:38
  sisters were getting too far apart.
• 1:08:41
  Also, no one was visiting her. She's 91.
• 1:08:43
  She's too crappy. She's old.
• 1:08:44
  We heard about it a middle times.
• 1:08:46
  Yeah, crevices claimed. But she was lonely.
• 1:08:50
  That's so she's such a fucking narcissistic a hole.
• 1:08:54
  But you could have put it on. You didn't need the sponge bath,
• 1:08:57
  though you could have that's. What I don't?
• 1:08:59
  Understand. Where was the shower chair?
• 1:09:02
  Put that bitch on a shower chair.
• 1:09:04
  Maybe yes. Light a story, Yeah, but why do
• 1:09:06
  you have to light a Tara to make her wipe your?
• 1:09:09
  Asshole. Yeah.
• 1:09:10
  And why isn't Tara pissed about it?
• 1:09:13
  I would be pissed. I would be fucking pissed but
• 1:09:15
  like, how do you pretend? You had broken hip, you could
• 1:09:19
  have done everything else but she was dancing and shit around
• 1:09:23
  so she could have showered. Herself, You know that Aunt
• 1:09:26
  Cindy was popping them pills though yes?
• 1:09:28
  Taron was probably force feeding her for like 5 hours.
• 1:09:31
  She's like. She's living.
• 1:09:34
  Fucking Aunt Cindy's a fucking menace.
• 1:09:36
  She is a menace. And then she goes, oh.
• 1:09:38
  Turns out I didn't even break my hip.
• 1:09:42
  I just wanted you girls. To become closer together.
• 1:09:44
  Closer bitch. Their parents aren't even here.
• 1:09:47
  They couldn't even be fucked. Their parents couldn't care
• 1:09:49
  less. You tell him if you wanted them
• 1:09:53
  closer and family why were their parents have.
• 1:09:56
  To do all this like, why didn't you just invite them for a nice
• 1:09:58
  Christmas dinner? Exactly.
• 1:10:01
  Instead chaos so. She both of them were too busy
• 1:10:05
  whacking it off about two different guys the entire time.
• 1:10:08
  They didn't even spend any quality time together.
• 1:10:11
  Oh, Tara, OK. And then Cindy's like, the whole
• 1:10:14
  town knew you two were fucking. She's like, you know, And Tara
• 1:10:17
  was like, I didn't know. And Cindy was like, yeah, that's
• 1:10:20
  the problem, bitch. You don't know what's going on
• 1:10:22
  around you. Shit, you're not paying
• 1:10:24
  attention. Paul Taron.
• 1:10:27
  Paul, she was just trying to thoroughly.
• 1:10:28
  Get those crevices. She felt so bad.
• 1:10:30
  She's like I just she literally goes I took it down an innocent
• 1:10:34
  man's lights and. She's always.
• 1:10:36
  Sitting there like I just turned this man into the actual Grinch
• 1:10:39
  and ruined his incline. She's like he finally broke his
• 1:10:42
  tenure stint of depression. That's his villain origin story
• 1:10:47
  and I'm here for it. I want him to become the anti
• 1:10:49
  Santa in this town so that he can go against the junior guy.
• 1:10:54
  Like, wouldn't that be a much better sequel?
• 1:10:56
  That would be funny. His name's.
• 1:10:58
  Cole Black? Fine, It's actually just Cole
• 1:11:01
  Sprouse. It works out.
• 1:11:03
  You know what was really annoying before all this big
• 1:11:07
  reveal? He was having like a heart to
• 1:11:09
  heart with Max. Yeah, after all the ball
• 1:11:11
  tightening. Yeah, Yeah.
• 1:11:12
  And he was like, oh, I've had this revelation, Max.
• 1:11:16
  Now that we've been burning left, right and centre, he was
• 1:11:18
  like, I should have had her all along.
• 1:11:21
  It's like, oh, you also could have got on a plane or maybe
• 1:11:25
  picked up a. Phone text.
• 1:11:27
  Sent a letter. But it's like he's angry that he
• 1:11:30
  let her have a life and boyfriend outside of him.
• 1:11:33
  You know what I mean? He's like a.
• 1:11:34
  Letter. That's what I mean, it's just
• 1:11:36
  like she was the property and he's like, I wish I made her
• 1:11:39
  mind this whole time. EW ewee.
• 1:11:42
  So I was happy when his lights came down.
• 1:11:45
  Fuck that man. Big old.
• 1:11:47
  Run. But then it was kind of like
• 1:11:51
  cleared up pretty easily. Yeah, she just had a cry to the
• 1:11:54
  neighbors and everyone put in before Peach and Pell came back.
• 1:11:58
  Yeah, and then he came back around the corner like in the
• 1:12:00
  car, and then he was all lit. Up all lit up, people caroling.
• 1:12:04
  She was like, I love you. He was like I love you.
• 1:12:07
  Come. On.
• 1:12:08
  Come on. How could you?
• 1:12:09
  Just love him when that's how he reacted to something he.
• 1:12:12
  Screamed. In your fucking face without.
• 1:12:14
  Even asking you first, yes. That is not a good but.
• 1:12:18
  Even the whole time he was like Max, She would not do that to
• 1:12:21
  me. What changed your mind?
• 1:12:25
  Physically seeing that it could be fucking Jimmy, it could be
• 1:12:29
  anybody. Jimmy did win.
• 1:12:32
  The epilogue was even worse. Oh, wait.
• 1:12:35
  Before we get to the epilogue, the last challenge was the
• 1:12:38
  Christmas Carol singing. Oh yeah, tell me why I wasn't
• 1:12:41
  like he's going to pull an Alex Volkov.
• 1:12:44
  No. Thank God we didn't have to hear
• 1:12:48
  about the delicate melody or whatever.
• 1:12:49
  She just said the song that he sung and everyone was crying and
• 1:12:52
  stuff. Tell me why this man is a
• 1:12:55
  secret. Singer.
• 1:12:57
  Aficionado. Yes.
• 1:12:59
  How did he pull that out of his asses?
• 1:13:01
  He was. Stranded all year?
• 1:13:03
  Well. Out of the book he was like
• 1:13:04
  stressed about doing the thing and then he was like my mum
• 1:13:07
  always said I had a beautiful. Voice.
• 1:13:09
  That's convenient. Convenient.
• 1:13:11
  What if this is a man of this many talents?
• 1:13:13
  Why is he living in this bum fuck backwards town shovelling?
• 1:13:16
  Shit, that's all he deserves. That's all he's.
• 1:13:19
  Just small. Town.
• 1:13:20
  Boy. Shove a Ridge.
• 1:13:23
  Brandish shit. What a fucking idiot dog.
• 1:13:28
  He's so dumb dog. Fucking dumb dog.
• 1:13:33
  Dumbest dog ever. But he sings.
• 1:13:35
  Beautifully, like an Angel. Kate and the.
• 1:13:39
  Dumb dog Angel voice. OK so bra at this point of my
• 1:13:45
  glutted hands so this is never long.
• 1:13:47
  You know what though, There could have been so much more
• 1:13:51
  juicy shit in there, but I was looking through but they're.
• 1:13:54
  So dramatic. I what?
• 1:13:55
  They are so dramatic for what? And I don't know if this is just
• 1:13:59
  because it's a Christmas book or if this is how she writes, but
• 1:14:02
  I'm never reading her shit again.
• 1:14:03
  Not for me. Let's not no after it's cool.
• 1:14:07
  I've read better books in the past week.
• 1:14:10
  Well, she did make me long do. You know what though?
• 1:14:14
  There was potential because there was some really funny shit
• 1:14:17
  in there. And every time I'd get over it,
• 1:14:20
  something would pop up. It was always Max too, and I'd
• 1:14:23
  be like, ha ha ha. That's kind of funny, really.
• 1:14:25
  Liked how it was dialogue heavy because some books will only
• 1:14:28
  give you 1 little mini combo so I liked her.
• 1:14:32
  There was a lot of. I love, I love a lot of combos,
• 1:14:35
  but all of it was analyzing things they did together.
• 1:14:38
  So I'm like, it's not it's started.
• 1:14:40
  Off good with the banter though. In my.
• 1:14:42
  Mind, because I listened to the audio book so it was the female
• 1:14:45
  and the male voice, yes. So that made it better.
• 1:14:48
  I feel like if I was physically reading it, it wouldn't have
• 1:14:51
  come off as good with the banter.
• 1:14:52
  For instance, Carla hyped me up. She's like, this is a really
• 1:14:56
  good banter, dialogue or whatever.
• 1:14:57
  She said to me and I was a chapter and I was like, she
• 1:15:01
  lies, she's listening. To the audiobook, she's a.
• 1:15:05
  Liar and. I'll see it again.
• 1:15:14
  Well, can we talk about the epilogue?
• 1:15:15
  Yeah, I know. We're starting the drain and we
• 1:15:16
  don't want to. Anyway, it was.
• 1:15:26
  So violent it's a. Coffee.
• 1:15:30
  Of OK, you ready? This is Cole doing his Magic
• 1:15:34
  Mike act for five seconds. This is good job.
• 1:15:41
  The narrator was like, you thought you could get away from
• 1:15:44
  dry humping every two seconds. She had a baby Exactly OK.
• 1:15:50
  And then it was also Christmas again.
• 1:15:56
  And then they're trying to like, get married or some shit.
• 1:15:58
  They're getting married. Fucking Jimmy won fucking
• 1:16:02
  Cindy's back in the competition like she ate 9293 at this place.
• 1:16:07
  That woman's dead world that keeps rotating.
• 1:16:10
  She's deceased. She wasn't acting decrepit.
• 1:16:16
  She is. She couldn't.
• 1:16:19
  Honestly, what the fuck? Honestly no it's my town who
• 1:16:25
  cares like it's the same shit. I've never met an old lady with
• 1:16:29
  that much energy past the age of 80, no.
• 1:16:33
  You're. Kidding.
• 1:16:36
  Anyway, they meet Guy. Guy's so relaxed.
• 1:16:38
  He's a chill surfer guy. He's just a guy.
• 1:16:41
  He's just God it makes. A lot of sense what it just
• 1:16:48
  doesn't. Nothing matters in this book.
• 1:16:52
  That's what I love about it. Just nothing.
• 1:16:55
  Matters. I just don't know if it's like
• 1:16:57
  this on purpose or an accident. I honestly think that she was
• 1:17:02
  just double Dick down. The second the Dick was big she
• 1:17:05
  was like sold. So she's like, they don't even
• 1:17:09
  have a measure. Asian.
• 1:17:11
  No one will ever measure up to your Dick, Cole.
• 1:17:15
  She's like, that's not even boyfriend.
• 1:17:16
  They're actually indeed they're. Actually sitting around the tree
• 1:17:19
  a year later and they're like, remember when you did this and
• 1:17:24
  your chest was so warm and your eyes were captivating?
• 1:17:28
  What? I just.
• 1:17:28
  Knew you were mine and that you were going to be pregnant.
• 1:17:31
  You know when he literally broke up with it with the lights thing
• 1:17:34
  and come back into his house, he's like, how will I ever look
• 1:17:37
  at this house the same because we fucked there, there, there,
• 1:17:40
  there. It's like, bro, it's so.
• 1:17:42
  Bored your relationship? They're fucking like Scary Movie
• 1:17:45
  on the roof. But like.
• 1:17:50
  That's all I did was fun and then talked about and they
• 1:17:53
  thought I'll. Never be able to get past this
• 1:17:55
  because of the amount of time we've I mean I.
• 1:17:57
  Literally think they're sitting in front of the fire.
• 1:18:00
  Christmas tree, hot Coco, baby nursing, right?
• 1:18:04
  And they're like, Cindy, let's talk about the time we fucked in
• 1:18:07
  front of the tree last. Year.
• 1:18:10
  He's like Cindy. We actually, he put the tree in
• 1:18:13
  his house and then we humped and then he came in my face, the
• 1:18:20
  origin, and she was like, I wasn't scared of the Gooch
• 1:18:23
  touching me because I already seen it.
• 1:18:28
  He had to Scrabble like green away.
• 1:18:32
  No I'm not, he's imaginary and I'm still scared of his Gooch.
• 1:18:36
  I'm just ball smooth. Then we went upstairs and we had
• 1:18:41
  to take this picture and Tara's like, what the actual fuck is
• 1:18:47
  going on? And then she goes.
• 1:18:49
  I actually was just whacking one out upstairs.
• 1:18:52
  Dolls were in there. I don't know why everyone's
• 1:18:54
  horny but like pretend they're so wholesome at the same time
• 1:18:58
  it's nice fucked. Up, but somehow there was no it
• 1:19:01
  was not smutty. It's just it was smart bits were
• 1:19:05
  you probably skipped over the actual sex parts.
• 1:19:07
  I'm I? No, I was skimming, skimming and
• 1:19:11
  skipping. I think I read a really smutty
• 1:19:14
  book a couple of days. Before.
• 1:19:15
  That's why. It was like it had blood plate.
• 1:19:18
  Don't ask me where I got there. Not enjoyable, but somehow the
• 1:19:21
  romance in that book was so much better than anyway it was
• 1:19:25
  Leaving Behind by Kate and Malakov and it was actually
• 1:19:28
  really, really good. And I'm still thinking about it.
• 1:19:30
  Okay. Oh, I forgot to mention that at
• 1:19:33
  some point when they were having sex, Cole was hissing with
• 1:19:35
  pleasure. So is he this alpha or is he his
• 1:19:38
  pussy? I just.
• 1:19:40
  He's a snake. A slavery snake.
• 1:19:43
  Honestly, he does the worst things, no accountability and
• 1:19:48
  then she does one thing 10 years ago, not on purpose, and then
• 1:19:51
  she's like the wicked Witch of the West.
• 1:19:54
  K Alphaba, somehow in my Do you remember Credence?
• 1:20:00
  When do I ever not think about credence?
• 1:20:03
  The uncle and Cole somehow at the same energy without having
• 1:20:08
  the same energy. The groomer energy.
• 1:20:10
  Yes. I feel like Cole is way too
• 1:20:13
  insuly whereas Uncle Jake wasn't insul, he was tapping.
• 1:20:18
  Ass. Yeah, true, but that's who I
• 1:20:20
  pictured. Uncle Jake.
• 1:20:24
  Why am I picturing Adam Driver with a beard like dressed up in
• 1:20:28
  flannels? Adam no, like Adam Driver
• 1:20:33
  pretending he's in. It's like like what is I?
• 1:20:36
  Don't know that guy. No.
• 1:20:37
  It'd have to be that guy on the Internet that chops wood.
• 1:20:40
  Yeah. Do you know which one?
• 1:20:42
  I Yeah, Anyone. Doesn't matter which one.
• 1:20:45
  You're you know which one you're thinking of.
• 1:20:47
  What should we write this out of?
• 1:20:50
  Dick don't. What is it, Dick?
• 1:20:52
  Dick Daddy, Ding Dong. Dick daddy, Dick Dong.
• 1:20:55
  How many Dick daddy? Ding dongs out of. 500 Dick
• 1:20:59
  daddy Ding dongs out of five. I hated it.
• 1:21:02
  I hated it so much with every fiber of my being.
• 1:21:06
  I hated this book. This is the worst book I've ever
• 1:21:09
  read and I The thing is, I feel like I'm not out.
• 1:21:12
  Of trash that we've already read just from this podcast alone.
• 1:21:15
  I feel like I'm not a judgey person and this is literally the
• 1:21:19
  worst book I've ever read. I've read worse things.
• 1:21:21
  I've read planet Barbarians, whatever it is.
• 1:21:24
  Nice. Planet Barbarians, yes, I've
• 1:21:26
  read that and that is still better than this.
• 1:21:30
  I honestly think the audio book sold it to be just hilarious
• 1:21:34
  from the get go that I just did not care.
• 1:21:36
  You're so. Full of shit, no.
• 1:21:38
  Like actual, it was just so like non serious, that entertainment
• 1:21:43
  value for me. I was sitting there because I
• 1:21:45
  always clean when I'm listening to shit.
• 1:21:47
  Yeah, I was just sitting there going.
• 1:21:49
  I reckon if I'd listened to the audio ball it would have been
• 1:21:52
  funnier. It was very, but it was so
• 1:21:54
  incest. Incest in cell.
• 1:21:57
  In cell energy. 100%. He was just.
• 1:22:00
  Same as every other grumpy guy in every.
• 1:22:03
  Other but it wasn't done. Well.
• 1:22:05
  It's done crash. No, sometimes.
• 1:22:07
  It is a reason to be that cranky all the time.
• 1:22:10
  But then. Men, they only know cranks.
• 1:22:13
  You're all trying to convince me you 2 are in love.
• 1:22:16
  Where? And it was just based on the
• 1:22:17
  fact that they knew each other and talked a couple times when
• 1:22:20
  they were 18. Give me the conversation from
• 1:22:22
  what if I'm going to have to listen to it?
• 1:22:24
  Give me a flashback. I hate them but give me a
• 1:22:27
  flashback. You know what?
• 1:22:28
  The ratings are polarizing, yes. I'm going to give it 3 Dick
• 1:22:33
  daddy Ding dongs out of five. You're a liar.
• 1:22:37
  No entertainment value and I find was not entertaining
• 1:22:41
  talking about it today. It's fucking funny.
• 1:22:45
  Are you kidding? Magic Mike alone.
• 1:22:49
  OK, I will give the Magic Mike scene credit.
• 1:22:53
  I was give ruffling. OK, I will give Magic my credit
• 1:22:57
  and I will give Max credit, but yeah, you couldn't convince me a
• 1:23:01
  single part of this book was Lewis.
• 1:23:03
  Cindy Unhinged. She was funny.
• 1:23:07
  That's what I mean, what was shit?
• 1:23:08
  No, Yeah, but that's the point. Like they lean into.
• 1:23:11
  Relationship. My problem is every and I'm so
• 1:23:14
  angry that you liked. This is what I let go of the
• 1:23:19
  wheel and I judge it based on how funny it is to do great
• 1:23:23
  you're. Not fucking with me right now.
• 1:23:25
  How is it every other character in the book had really good
• 1:23:29
  dialogue but the two main characters we have to listen to
• 1:23:33
  fucking non-stop were? Shit.
• 1:23:36
  They had no conversation. Oh, individually, everything in
• 1:23:41
  this book is all right. But it's such a try to read.
• 1:23:46
  Yeah, I'm so glad it's over. After this we get to do the
• 1:23:51
  plotties the. Plotties.
• 1:23:53
  Finally. You know what's funny?
• 1:23:55
  Every time I've gone, make sure you write down notes for the
• 1:23:59
  plotties. And the other day I was like,
• 1:24:01
  oh, make sure you write it down. And then you're like, we're
• 1:24:03
  doing it this month. And I was like, fuck, it is
• 1:24:05
  December isn't it? I don't remember a single thing
• 1:24:08
  from this year. So is that everything?
• 1:24:11
  Unfortunately. We're done, We're so done.
• 1:24:14
  The Christmas spirit has left our paws.
• 1:24:16
  Thanks for joining us on Lose the Pot with Carla and Emily.
• 1:24:19
  Don't forget to rate US five stars and subscribe if you
• 1:24:22
  enjoyed slide into our DMS on TikTok or Instagram Lose the
• 1:24:26
  Plot podcast.