Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / You're Talked Out And It Never Works | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep482

Transcript

You're Talked Out And It Never Works | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep482 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I feel better when we talk about it.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Lack of commitment in marriage.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can you outgrow a soulmate?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Rebound relationships, healing, or escaping.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: The value in solitude and growth.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Our big fuck up.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: When kids replace your spouse.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I feel better when we talk about it.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys, and I am gonna prove you wrong.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, you know we think that communication is not key.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, had a wicked testimonial from that Canadian couple up in Canada, I was gonna say.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Canadian couple up in Canada, you heard me guys.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that that's that's the episode of the podcast that hooked them and got them started, and they share that podcast with everybody.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Communication is not key.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Go listen to that episode, it's fantastic.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that we are very proud of, a concept that we came up with, because conversation is what's key.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: But the reason why I wanted to go deeper with this is because A, you all think you need to communicate through the issues you want to resolve.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna give two examples today, and then we're gonna break down some lessons, okay?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: So often when I talk to men, he says, No, I do, I do feel better when we talk about it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Really?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, Yeah, men, not here.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: This happens all the time.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Men say, Yes, I I do.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: I said, let's just uh use the favorite talk that everybody has, which is about sex, why she doesn't want me.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, why don't we have better quality?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't we have more sex?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with um your body?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong, like all these different directions that the why don't we have sex topic goes, okay?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when a man says, Yeah, but I do like it because I want to get I want to get some resolve.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, then I just say, Well, okay, let me just ask you this like, do you really enjoy that conversation, or would you like her sitting on your face every day?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Would you like uh blowjobs?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Would you like to actually have sex where she initiates?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Would you like to have sex that she wants to be there, she feels connected with?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And by the time I'm done answering or asking all these questions, they all say, Well, I mean, all that sounds better.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, then stop fucking talking about sex.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you say that you want to fix it and resolve it, you're not fixing and resolving it, you're pushing her further away.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna give you another example.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: This was a real conversation I had this morning with a woman in Catherine's program who says, like, I want I want to know how to have the hard conversation with my husband.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: He shuts down, and I want to be able to have these conversations with him because I want to get to a resolve.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I asked her the same question.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like having the conversations?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: She said, No.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I said, so why do you want to have them?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because I want the resolve.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I said, that's a logical answer, and you've been trained to do this.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Let me hear about what the uh example is.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: What's one tough conversation that you want to have where he's shutting down?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, um, he works seven days a week.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: He works incredibly hard, he brings home money.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I work too, but uh, you know, the money we can never save anything.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: He either it either gets spent on things like a shed uh or whatever, or it gets um you know used for gambling.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: He likes to gamble.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so we we have this money that we never we never have any money left over, okay?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so I said, so right now you want to talk to your husband about, let's say, a budget, you know, getting on the same page with goals, maybe?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I listed off a few examples.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: She said, yes, all of these things, okay?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so I said, Well, do you agree that when you have the conversation and he's um spending the money that he might feel guilty because he knows that he should save?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like you guys are in your 40s, and he knows that you're gonna need some more money?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Yeah.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: So do you think that if he's coping and using gambling as a as a release because he doesn't want to be connected to you and spend time with you?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'd rather I don't need to go gamble.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was in Vegas twice for some business stuff and I didn't gamble, man.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'd rather talk to my wife.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: If I couldn't talk to my wife, I don't need to need to gamble.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: He's doing that because he's not connected.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's doing that as a way to cope, like many people do.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: They cope with something, everybody, when they don't know who they are.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, so would you rather guilt a worthless man?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't know who you are, you're worthless.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get real, okay?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: So if you guilt him and get nowhere, do you want that or do you just want the fucking money in the bank?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Well, I just really want the money in the bank.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, so why are we having a conversation?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: We're not resolving anything.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: If you're literally making him shut down, it's not about skills to get through the conversation.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I would dare say, that guy needs the skills.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: He's the one shutting down.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you need the skills, maybe you're being too aggressive or whatever.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but like, at the end of the day, you're not gonna get anywhere.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to bring this up, baby, because to me, this has become so uh simple for us.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we still deal with people always talking about all the big shit, right?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Mostly symptoms, not issues.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Always want to discuss it.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you've learned something so powerful this year, you know, with your massive strides of growth this year, with silence of strength.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think the silence of strength is really important because we can talk about you know getting them connected.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: We can talk about, you know, like for example Which is necessary for sure.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Which is necessary.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: For example, I told Catherine's client, like, well, you you could easily lift him, praise him, give him so much gratitude for the seven days a week he's working, all of this stuff.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And you could be building this connection long before we ever A have a conversation or B start uh making changes.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: But by the way, you can still make changes and start saving your portion where he's gambling and you're not buying things, put that in a bank account.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I told her about how you used to uh well you still do, you like to put money away.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, I I hoard money, I like I like to call it secret.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hoard secret money.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and then all of a sudden, but like we want something, she's like, Well, there's I thought I couldn't remember, but I thought the first time I think it ever happened was uh well the example I remembered was the Nova, the first muscle car that I got.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, you or maybe it was the kitchen.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was the kitchen.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted to redo the kitchen, and I was like, Well, I've got this money in a bank account.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, What?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do let's do the kitchen.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so like now here's what's really cool about something like that.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: See, so she starts leading the life that she wants, but building her husband up and they connect, okay?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: But then what happens is when he gets super upset because he finds out about this money and he's mad at her.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and actually I played out like I usually do like a worst case example, you fucking bitch.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're just trying to divorce me, whatever, blah blah blah.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, he would never say that.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, well, I'm using a worst case example.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: He's all of a sudden feeling insecure, maybe whatever.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because of the secret because of the secret money.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did I buy you the Nova, by the way?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that's where you had this money saved, but it's very possible.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, um, and so essentially what happens is with the skills that you learn in the program from Catherine, then you can then connect deeper through that that the thing that he has going on, this insecurity, let's say, because you're gonna leave because you have this money.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: He might say he's mad because he wanted to gamble it, but like at the end of the day, whatever comes up, you have those tools.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: But you see, we start with the example, and we start with the example of loving, and we start with the example of connecting, and we start with the example of saving, and then we start working towards the same thing.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: The sex example will be the same thing.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You start conversations, you're not worried about taking rejection so personal, you're actually planning dates, you're doing all these different things and trying to initiate all the different runs of the of the rejection ladder, and how you don't take it personal is how you start to connect when she starts to feel safe and not so used, uh, like that testimony I was talking about with that uh woman woman from Canada.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, like essentially you start to move forward, you start to actually bridge the gap.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you guys could again just stop talking about all of it all the time.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And aren't you guys talked out yet?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: By the time you get to us, you guys have learned that communication is key and you need to talk it out before you go to bed, so you don't go to bed until six in the morning, and you have to get up at seven in the morning, and you've haven't aren't you done talking?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm actually conversationed out.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk about fun things with my husband, but ask my husband what I do if he wants to talk about something serious.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Go talk to the men.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I just I just I just don't have the capacity anymore because we had so many talks.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, we don't have anything major, no crises happening in our life.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, if we did, then we'd have to have conversations about it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I just want to live my I just want to have fun.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard Kat say, girls just want to have fun.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't write that song.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually true.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, keep your shit to yourself.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't you just connect?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I know there's serious, of course, you have to talk about whatever you need to talk about, sure.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: But get like, why are you why are you still here?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't you waste enough words for the next the last 10 years, 20 years, however long you've been married.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't you waste enough words that now don't you just want to love and time don't you just want to be, yes, words and time.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you just want to love?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you I I know for me personally, I just want to live my life.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I love our life.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: What we've created from all the changes that we've made, I'm living the dream.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I love my life.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to talk about anything negative.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it to yourself, unless I'm your coach.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna bring because I'm gonna bring you with me.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but like you're gonna be moving forward with me.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And just understand this.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: So, like this, we've been talking about this for years, and you've if you've been following us for a while, you know that it gets better and better and better.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: We actually do believe like marriage doesn't get better than this now, but we're just not naive enough to really.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be better next week.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because we just know that's what's gonna happen.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what we really noticed, okay?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: When we had our last big breakthrough at Christmas time last year, okay, what happened was it changed everything.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is when you started to think of this new lesson, you're teaching silence as strength and whatever.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And what what really happened is everything is about focusing on the direction that we want to go.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: If this is where we're going, this is what we must act like, because that's what that person would do.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about that for years, but when we remove the last of the negative bullshit that still can easily suck us all in, guys, everyone, okay?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is we experience more life.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is the word we're using now when we do like an ad, okay?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about what uh uh somebody wants to experience.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: They need to experience a new you.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you're listening, your partner needs to experience the new you, not the conversation that reminds them of the fucking 450,000 conversations that you had that Catherine's talking about.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can get past that, it's not that Catherine is saying, I'm talked out, I'm done with it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: She's just saying, isn't living life better?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talked out, I'm done with it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but don't fucking pull that, bring that back shit into my life.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm gonna tell you this.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you relate to me, you'll rate relate to like you do love talking about it still.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: But what you learn is it's better to create the life that you want versus trying to talk about what it could be like.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: You never get anywhere positive with it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Never really.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're always always somebody's gonna feel guilty, somebody's gonna feel shame, you're gonna feel maybe both people are gonna feel guilty, and then then it's out of uh pressure.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not out of like an intrinsic desire to have more and be better, it's because oh, I feel obligated.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: What did you guys learn about how we feel about obligation?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna get you anywhere.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, and actually, this this is gonna be a great segue into the next episode we're about to film for you guys, uh, which is on um opening up your marriage.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it'll be a great segue.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, guys, uh, if you haven't yet, which we don't recommend, by the way.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely don't recommend.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to the episode, but um, guys, if you haven't yet, go to our app.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Morrow, our last name.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's uh in the Google store, the place I mean the Apple store, all of them, of course.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Go.moralmarriage.com.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's go.moralmarriage.com.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Get in our app and start learning with us, guys.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: We we there's free stuff on there.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, there's so many trainings and whatever, or you can go so much deeper than the talk.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, guys?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: All right, we'll see you next time.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.