Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Luis Alvaro -Listen and Repeat

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Luis Alvaro -Listen and Repeat · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, friends, thank you. Stronger, stronger.
• 0:16
  To grass now, silo, decide, silence. Thank you, thank
• 0:20
  you. Uh, zombies eat zebras that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 0:25
  That' s why, in the event of a zombie attack to let
• 0:28
  them pass, I bought myself a blonde wig and I' m sorry.
• 0:32
  I' m a little short. So, Friends, yes, I was
• 0:36
  going downtown. I saw in the center and in my block there is an
• 0:38
  elevator. But to put a downhill, because people pile up and my landlord
• 0:44
  is pidco and he hates me, so if they killed her, nothing would
• 0:48
  happen to me. He doesn' t love me and you want to be
• 1:00
  and he wants to rip me off because every month he passes me to the
• 1:03
  bill of light, but another day he made me, he passed me the
• 1:07
  bill of sound and I won' t be able to sing. If I
• 1:07
  don' t pay for it, I don' t give a shit.
• 1:11
  There' s no one here who lives. And so, when the neighbors
• 1:14
  complain, I tell them it' s not me, not that, Mr
• 1:17
  Cuesta, but he' s an actor. So, when I' m
• 1:19
  acting, it doesn' t matter and recently they said, they said,
• 1:23
  the news recently said that a child of masso has disappeared. Susana disappeared and
• 1:26
  I was a cop looking for her and everyone got pulos a banner that I
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  made we' re all Susana and I ah so they don' t help.
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  Wait till she' s found before she' s lost her mind.
• 1:45
  Then they hit the TV of a Berman movie called screams and whispers. And
• 1:49
  I went crazy with the volume because you know that before. You know before,
• 1:57
  there was a channel in front of it. There' s also a
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  channel. Then people made Zapin with eyelashes. That' s how you'
• 2:05
  re in control under your eyebrows. Oh, it' s true that everyone
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  does. Yeah. I don' t like it. I don' t
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  like to watch series, because there' s a somewhat time- bound commitment.
• 2:10
  I' d rather watch movies that are like the vibe of a better
• 2:13
  night. Like this. She' s been watching a movie recently, an
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  episode of mete and the ugly one and she' s looking at me like
• 2:19
  saying you' re going to be able to call me and I ran away
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  and so that the savannah savannah doesn' t matter. No, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, no. Recently they call me friend,
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  recently measured I didn' t make a friend, I bought a TV
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  three d and I don' t go to them doing depth. Now they
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  ' ve stolen it and you don' t see the feeling of depth because
• 2:38
  because it' s not I say Mira is lying down again. The show
• 2:40
  is about the corner of your house. You' ve repeated again and all
• 2:43
  the time. I' ve always bought a radio three d and so when
• 2:47
  I listen to music, I put on my glasses and I feel more modern
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  because I' m a person. I' m a raisin. I'
• 2:54
  m a normal person. I' m a normal person. A retard in
• 2:58
  Canaries Ja is strange. It' s strange. It' s lovely.
• 3:09
  When an old man says the radio word yes, well, when that old
• 3:14
  man is your doctor, we' re gonna have to give you radiation therapy.
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  No. No, ah, no, no, yeah, folks.
• 3:23
  Antennas are dangerous. Antennas are dangerous. For example, my aunt lives next
• 3:27
  to a parabolic, she already has cancer in fifty languages. I live next
• 3:35
  door, and I' m a stutterer. Good as it is, yes,
• 3:43
  friends, then the atomic ant has cancer because it has a radioactive surname.
• 3:50
  Then the radiation goes beyond the name of the first name. Then of
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  course, if I had been called ant atomic lead, there would be a
• 3:57
  containment barrier and then I wouldn' t pass the ant relationship and I would
• 4:01
  still do the series today. Bad thinking. It was and it' s
• 4:03
  the same. I became the friend. I' m going to say a
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  friend. I study ontology and I told him and that what the years are
• 4:09
  and tell me is three, five. Yeah, he' s lucky.
• 4:14
  Good friends, I wanted to, I wanted to, I wanted to study
• 4:21
  history. I wanted to study history. They told me, it' s
• 4:24
  a burden. So, future, I mean okay, but tell me a
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  thousand years ago. Then yes, there' s the whole story ahead of
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  you, shit. When I was told, when I was told that English
• 4:34
  was the language of the future, I thought go then now the verbs will
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  be in the past, because they are being made and the future will already
• 4:45
  be present and can be consumed, because sar in the future. It doesn
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  ' t matter. You know from here I' m already Slavic, you
• 4:49
  know why I and I was fine so many giris there, why what because
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  it' s postified me and Slavic Joy means fun and she' s the
• 4:57
  woman of the east. That' s why we' ve tried to turn.
• 5:06
  Many comedians always tell that, that their mother weighed slipper, that yes,
• 5:11
  yes, much more makes me think the slipper. That happened to me
• 5:13
  because my aunt was chasing me that this wheelchair and threatening me with spare parts
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  go. My neighbor' s in a wheelchair and I' ve lost my
• 5:23
  illusion for life, so they took her wheels off. My neighbor broke two
• 5:28
  legs and he' s already making room with a static pizzette. I said
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  go so we' re not going anywhere. Hahaha, learn how to roll.
• 5:41
  You know who he is. You know it' s Steeph hazy there
• 5:43
  that' s Stephen Hawking, yes or no. Steph Holkins is the opposite
• 5:46
  of RoboCop. Steph Hawkins can' t come back from a trip and say
• 5:50
  he' s arrived well. You can say I' m here. It
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  ' s like before, yeah, folks, I' m so here.
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  He' s doing autographs. Let me know they' ve answered because it
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  doesn' t matter i don' t. But by the time a few
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  Olympic games in Lourdes, the miracle isn' t paged, I come without
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  a medal, but I come as a skill. What a glass it doesn
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  ' t matter. Coming this way, I stepped on a sandwich and ate
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  it for luck, because, but, but I' m me, I
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  ' m not superstitious, because superstitious has thirteen letters. I say I'
• 6:35
  m superstition anymore, or in fact, I' m not superstitious. I
• 6:41
  recently broke a mirror and had seven years to pick up crystals. Now I
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  ' m putting it all in place I' m reflecting and I' m
• 6:54
  making a puzzle of myself Yes friends. I' ve never, ever acted.
• 6:58
  I' ve never acted in lepe. I' ve never acted in
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  lep but I' d like to one day perform the lepe, take out
• 7:02
  a mirror and say hey, what appears. This exists you are telepaning it
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  because it laughs I do not know and infinite loop and until it dies exach
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  because the mirrors always tell the truth that yes. But the other way around,
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  for example, you look at me thinking he' s dressed like indie
• 7:25
  people and you look like a homeless person, because, after all, a
• 7:30
  homeless person is an indie who has left keys at home and can' t
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  get in. And that' s there. Yeah, folks, vagabonds buy
• 7:36
  Tsara homeless cartons. I wouldn' t like it. I' d like
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  to live on the street. I wouldn' t like to live on the
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  street, because I don' t like to share a flat with people I
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  don' t know. Don' t transcribe through my bed, don'
• 7:54
  t manifest in my sleepy prbro anyway you understand me, okay, etcc.
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  The worst that can happen to you? The worst that can happen to you
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  with a black cat? Isn' t that right, yes, but the
• 8:05
  worst thing that can happen to him in a black cat is to come across
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  a skin cat? Hahaha, and the worst thing that a skin cat can
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  do to him is to be confused like a rat and eaten by a black
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  cat. They give me shit coming this way, coming to and here you
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  have crucified me as a manifestation of paranoids, a manipulation of paranoids, and
• 8:33
  so many saying. But why are you following me? But why are you
• 8:35
  following me? But why are you following me? Why are you following me?
• 8:35
  Why are you following me? Because it' s expensive, they'
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  re paranoid and they didn' t put up the banners, they put up
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  the banners, don' t look them in the face that they get angry
• 8:45
  they' re nadic pay anyway. Then he offered it to me. Then
• 8:48
  I offered myself a little bow against AIDS and I told them no, thank
• 8:50
  you, I already have it, but the little one from AIDS I told
• 8:56
  them you should deface the pin and you didn' t do it completely final.
• 9:00
  They didn' t convince me and I gave the bearer a check.
• 9:01
  Yeah. But I am, but you' re out- of- court,
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  but you' re supportive. For example, every time, like a
• 9:16
  foot frigo I think of another frigo, sir limping and falling like a frigo
• 9:22
  finger crejoden friends and I curba in I worked in coca cola, they worked
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  coca cola, but they threw me out because I left an open door and
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  went all the expense. Okay. That' s why and for showing me
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  the cigars with the spark of evil life, my roommate is spoiled, but
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  he starved to death. I told him to do this doesn' t feed
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  him anymore, but not fat either. I said pretend to eat and shut
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  up, don' t do it anyway? Doesn' t matter? He
• 10:05
  ' s been watching TV recently. He' s been watching TV recently.
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  With some friends at home I got ahead and they said you hear that the
• 10:09
  meat of donkeys or not transparent and if I fuck truth, I wish it
• 10:13
  was a jellyfish, because the meat duses me if it turns out. What
• 10:18
  ' s more, every day they come to mercamadrito you read of jellyfish.
• 10:20
  They stay there, because no one sees them. You can' t see
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  them. I used to think that when I put the beach in, what
• 10:28
  bit me was curiosity and how a jellyfish is distinguished from its ghost. The
• 10:33
  ghost of a jellyfish looks at a jellyfish. Ah, the past isn'
• 10:37
  t itchy, but it doesn' t matter. You all know each other?
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  Everyone? Do you know each other? Can you? Follow the subject
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  you want. So, uh, you all know clearly, of course you
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  do. You all know the opolars that yes, yes, yes or no
• 10:52
  you did, that yes pussy, yes, but you do not know the
• 10:58
  or bipolar you. I' m going to imitate the polar ovis This is
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  the bipolar is worth to death, honey that Rica, death honey which Rica,
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  ah death, that' s what bipolar is also the bipolar bear,
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  This is the bipolar bear, my honey how rich? I' m not
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  idiotic, honey that Rica I' m not idiotic? And this is the
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  tripolar bear, that is, tripolar, honey how rich? I' m
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  not on a diet come a little bit, fear that Rica I' m
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  not I' ll give it to you a little bit or your rich one.
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  That poor thing. Uh, the plural, the plural of the bullfight
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  is bulls' bucaque. And I like grapes? Do I like grapes?
• 11:54
  I like grapes, but I call them Cherry melons is more. And the
• 12:01
  difference between a song and an anthem is twelve cubatas. And that' s
• 12:05
  what he' s doing here. One song is light to the other money
• 12:09
  because I sometimes drink something. And when and I have a blind friend and
• 12:13
  when I know I think I saw that afternoon those days, they ask the
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  dog to get home, when I' m tired with juntaxi and I tell
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  him it' s still the dog. Yes, friends, I have a
• 12:24
  blind friend and it' s good to have a blind friend. I have
• 12:26
  a blind friend again. It' s just that you don' t have
• 12:30
  to move gifts. I put enveloping music on it. What will be the
• 12:37
  place. Haha well, I have composed a song about a guy who by
• 12:50
  day practices athletic march and at night does tantric sex with his woman alleletic macha,
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  and that is tantric sex. The song' s a title song.
• 12:58
  I want to run and I have composed another song about a hammerhead that is
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  born and small you tell her your mother be careful that you have a hammer
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  and I bought it anyway. I bought a camera, I bought a water
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  photo camera. I took it out of the box and he took it,
• 13:20
  but no matter what, there could have been two pictures that had a fish
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  memory. That room I don' t know is a drowned moyr whore that
• 13:30
  does. If, above all, if you want to get burned, shit,
• 13:33
  we' ll have to boil it because I want to get decinerated and
• 13:43
  cast my ashes according to soup. About that, one day, when a
• 13:46
  lady removes. I form myself say hello, soy a lump that is second
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  clear because I am the first gives later, then I bought a kit kat.
• 14:05
  Then I bought a kat kit to do a parenthesis. But it broke,
• 14:09
  so say, some quotes and mine of life. There' s a
• 14:15
  snack called this joke, because I don' t like it. I don
• 14:18
  ' t like machines. I don' t like the machine. I don
• 14:20
  ' t like the chocolate machine, because the chocolates in there are very proud.
• 14:22
  They' re very proud because that coin and they say ah you want
• 14:26
  to eat me. Hey, what to eat, because before I throw myself
• 14:28
  and throw, I mean, they don' t fall off it and throw
• 14:31
  themselves away anyway. Chocolate. Chocolate that sex subjective. But that only rich
• 14:37
  countries, poor countries, is looking at clouds, eating land and things that
• 14:41
  don' t cost money, eating chocolates. It' s his kind of
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  ap good me, I mean, when someone ever tells you what chocolate it
• 14:48
  is, I don' t know if it' s a substitute. I
• 14:50
  need a replacement. Shit when anyone ever tells us that chocolate is a substitute
• 14:54
  for sex, you have to tell them and you know the phrases made are.
• 15:00
  It' s his type of conversation and you leave because it' s
• 15:05
  not your friends he gives you conversation by engagement. My nephew makes drawings at
• 15:13
  school and I take it from the fridge door and this eater learns behind the
• 15:16
  effort. There' s food. I recently drew a picture of a guy
• 15:22
  signing up with his secretary, and he' s so fucking hot' cause
• 15:26
  it' s not what it looks like. Yeah, folks, I'
• 15:31
  m just gonna talk about buddy. I was in good class recently. Recently
• 15:37
  he was not in religion class and the teacher said that man came from Adam
• 15:41
  and evades the next class. It was the natural one the teacher said that
• 15:45
  the man came from the monkey and tells me go then as Adam finds out
• 15:50
  and then in the next class we were told that AIDS comes from the monkeys.
• 15:54
  I thought bitchy. Of course that means that if it gives that original
• 16:00
  sin, but it cannot be because in the eighties it ceased to be so
• 16:03
  original. Of course in the eighties, I liked Michael Jackson a lot in
• 16:10
  small and vice versa. I did it, but I didn' t.
• 16:19
  If seen the end of the planet to the apes, yes or no,
• 16:23
  yes, yes or no, the end of silver to the apes. When
• 16:26
  Chato Heston discovers that it is not in the silver of the apes, but
• 16:30
  that there is the land and he takes a great disappointment, for he imagined
• 16:33
  what happened next when they told Chatton Hestone that everything is a movie and they
• 16:40
  balance gestures. No. If it happened to me again with BNUR, then
• 16:44
  what my name is I know how to imagine you dinosaurs seeing a Jurassic park.
• 16:52
  Wow, they' re good, done, humans, uh, they
• 16:56
  look digital like us, but this is never gonna happen. I' ve
• 17:00
  dreamed of this. In fact, I really like to dream my roommate the
• 17:06
  other one is sleepwalking, but it took me a long time to realize because
• 17:10
  you slept the day, I thought it was Peruvian. I like to dream
• 17:15
  a lot and in the morning that point what I dreamt. Then at night.
• 17:18
  At night I reread it and say where I was going and I bought
• 17:22
  a book of inhyperation of dreams? Did I buy a dream interpretation book?
• 17:26
  So I' ll do it before I sleep. And that' s how
• 17:29
  I find out all about it. The regional costume of Andalusia is the pajamas,
• 17:41
  it is not an accent, it is that they speak in dreams,
• 17:45
  of course anyone. In fact, he recently woke up. He recently woke
• 17:48
  up. A guy of mine gave a 30- year- old coma,
• 17:52
  a 30- year- old coma and I told him you know now in
• 17:56
  Europe we work with the single currency. And he tells me yes, and
• 17:56
  now who has it. But the worst thing isn' t being in a
• 18:02
  coma for 30 years. But they' re in a coma for thirty years
• 18:03
  in a five- star hotel wakes us up to get egg- slapped trying
• 18:15
  my house' s. They' re building an Ika and it' s
• 18:18
  the owner there alone with the beams. You' ll get your revenge by
• 18:27
  eating a puppy. You know that one year' s person is seven dog
• 18:33
  kids. So if a dog breaks a mirror seven percent out of forty-
• 18:37
  nine, it doesn' t make up for it, it would kill itself.
• 18:41
  Recently, well, I became a friend, a friend of mine who
• 18:45
  ' s up here, is remembering her apartment and tells me Luis has an
• 18:49
  old desk. I said no. But if you wait, yes, because
• 18:57
  I' m a comedian to advance my time. I' m a lime
• 19:00
  and I' m ahead of my time. For example, I was making
• 19:02
  jokes about the eleven, that' s the ten, and they weren'
• 19:06
  t laughing. I thought aha in a matter of hours, because you know
• 19:10
  that the Americans call, call seny leven, call him ngne and leven no
• 19:15
  no donce es aptiembre call him na nor leven no matter. I' ve
• 19:17
  already told you. That was more or less the joke, more or less
• 19:21
  not, it' s not enough equal to the elica. A store has
• 19:25
  been open for 24 hours and has been open for three months. That means
• 19:27
  you' ve exceeded expectations and never try to hook up with a twenty-
• 19:36
  four- hour dependent or dependent, not because hello how much you never get
• 19:41
  out. Then there was the competition next door, a store called closed 24
• 19:48
  hours and it went wrong and they had to open and they went again they
• 19:53
  had to close and no longer knew what to do. Suggestions better. Yeah,
• 20:00
  folks, you know sometimes it' s the two of you that change
• 20:06
  the time, it' s both of you. Last time and I went
• 20:07
  to a rustle and I said hey I' m not gonna count it right.
• 20:11
  You' ve only recently known that sometimes it' s three o'
• 20:14
  clock. It' s one more hour, one more hour. So last
• 20:17
  time I went to a watch shop and said hi sorry. You' re
• 20:19
  selling loose. That joke isn' t cool anymore. I didn' t
• 20:23
  like it. They said no. So I went to twenty- four hours
• 20:26
  and they told me here and we got together there' s twenty- four
• 20:30
  no matter what. Now in my house there' s a costume shop and
• 20:36
  when I get bored I get off, improve a likely Entonce costume and it
• 20:38
  ' s really fun more costumes. This tester. It' s something and
• 20:41
  the guy who came in I don' t know I' m Napoleon,
• 20:52
  but it' s captain' s line. There' s Captain, there
• 20:53
  ' s Captain Garfield' s facias. Oh, that' s right,
• 20:56
  because I' m Napoleon and I went to Captain Garfiel. Leave me alone,
• 21:00
  folks. The five pres have only one eye so yes, yes,
• 21:03
  it will be. That' s why you' re never going to see
• 21:10
  a pirate cycle and it' s not you either. Yeah, Superman ain
• 21:14
  ' t in shit, he' s always wearing size, that fucking joke
• 21:18
  look. So, this worse f is a tiptoe e that looks hello z
• 21:26
  what' s up. It' s all over the zeta shit there wasn
• 21:36
  ' t even. I' ve got a beyond for the letters shit can
• 21:40
  ' t be not chaises because you don' t know what he' s
• 21:42
  going to do next. This last joke is bullshit. I mean, I
• 21:47
  should have finished Napoleon. It comes to say Napoleon and you applaud Napoleon.
• 21:52
  There you go. Are you going good night, thank you? Thank you?
• 21:56
  Thank you? Thank you? It' s a stupid problem. Thank
• 21:59
  you, Rays, the ox.